Category: Governing the people

LCD Views can reveal the result of a non-exhaustive study today that has found that the citizens of the United Kingdom are safer in the European Union.

“It was a non-exhaustive study because it wasn’t that hard,” our political futures correspondent, Mr Safety First, says, “seriously, it took about thirty seconds to come to the correct finding. We didn’t really find any evidence to the contrary either. The future is apparent IN or OUT of the EU. You can tell this by looking at the past decade and the present.”

But what was the lynchpin? We need to boil this down for rapid digital consumption.

“That’s easy.”

Well, please do.

“Right. It’s because being in the European Union means there is a base level of protection provided by the treaties and rules, regulations, laws and so on of the supranational organisation. You have to recall its founding, back in the post WW2 years. You also have to consider how you can get dozens of countries to work together. As difficult as that is, and as imperfect as it sometimes is, you don’t do it unless you can guarantee as much equality as possible. Yes certain countries have a lot more money and population and thus power, but every country has a veto. Every country has power. Can you say the same about the union that comprises the United Kingdom? Remain and reform in the UK would be a good starting point. Although Brexit makes the reverse more likely.”

That’s all very well, but what’s the one line to takeaway?

“Fine. It’s because staying in the EU provides the citizens of the UK some protection from their own government. Do you really want a Tory home secretary, or a far left one, should the country flip, in sole control of your rights?”

I suspect I wouldn’t have any. My rights would be based on their whim, if you look at how they’re currently riding roughshod over our democracy.

“Precisely. That’s what we discovered too.”

That wasn’t exhaustive at all.

“If Brexit does happen, you’ll get all the exhaustion you need. No fear.”

Prime Minister Theresa May stands accused of letting the cat out of the bag today after publicly begging her greatest electoral asset, Jeremy ‘jobs first Brexit’ Corbyn to “hold firm on your pro Brexit policy”.

”It’s clearly asked in the credible hope of the complete destruction of the Labour Party before the summer 2019 GE,” our electoral analyst muses,

“Brexit is going to take out both main parties of course, but both leaderships are too blinded by their belief in their own revolutionary righteousness to see that. That said, thanks to the uncertainty principle, who knows what surprising results may emerge, if one crumbles before the other and a GE is called…if could be five more years of Tory rule, thanks to Labour having infected itself with the Tory toxin and dying first. This will likely happen during the article 50 extension period.”

And the Tories have every reason to hope that seven Labour MPs resigning from the Labour Party, for several stated reasons, will not cause Corbyn and chums to change course.

”Who needs red Tory blairite scum anyway? Who needs MPs who question the leader? Jezza never did that! Voters should be made to sign loyalty pledges before voting for Corbyn’s party too. And these are MPs who Labour insurgents have been gunning to put on show trials before kicking them out. People are going to be furious they’ve leaped before they were pushed!”

It’s hoped the show trials may still get to happen, after John McDonnell called on the departing MPs to call by elections.

It’s not hoped any Tories will join the Labour breakaways, as that will cause a number crisis in Westminster that would force Corbyn and May to work openly to deliver Brexit.

”They will be bye bye elections! Ha!” our analyst chuckles, “they’re just self serving scum anyway. Putting their own careers first by calling down the well funded wrath of an entire political party on their isolated heads. What selfish bastards! See how they fare without Len inviting him to his penthouse apartment in the Shard! Elite traitors! They get told their principles these days by head office and a little red book. They don’t decide for themselves.”

LCD Views is proud to announce we have partnered with ‘SNAFU’ television to bring to you “The Maytrix”, a new forty part, fly on the wall documentary about life inside 10 Downing Street.

The series will be live streamed each day, with a short delay to allow for minimal editing (to insert additional offensive language), as world famous AI controlled prime minister, ‘The Maybot’, goes about her sinister daily task of generating an ever expanding dystopia.

“It’s hoped the series will give voters an insight into why their lives are going down the toilet in an ever tightening spiral,” producer Ken Doll says,

“there was some concern when SNAFU approached us for the tie-up that all we would see was a series of blue screens of death, broken only by spinning wheels as the Maybot malfunctioned, but we’ve been reassured there will also be intense policy generating sessions. These will give people tuning in real insight into how a dispassionate machine decides their fate with no recourse to basic human emotions.”

These policy sessions are believed to alternative between reality, which never lasts long, and hour long blue sky thinking sessions wherein the Maybot spins in a circle attempting to use her limited code base to configure a different way to ask Brussels to shaft the Irish.

“Viewers will also see a rotating cast of Tory VIP’s come and go from the Maybot’s narrow field of vision. It’s a great chance to see how some of the more outstanding characters function when they forget they’re being observed, as they go about the business of programming the UK into a solely graft based political system.”

But there will be light hearted moments and pathos too.

“We’re told the Maybot needs to be turned off and on again as part of her daily routine. Watching her reboot is quite something. As the red light grows in her eyes. It’s actually incredibly sci-fi, her system crackling into life with little flashes of electricity before it starts screaming about finding Sarah Connor, then settles down to demanding more ways to make life hard for forriners.”

In the background in every room there’s a giant clock, ticking down the seconds to Brexit day.

But why only forty episodes?

“Because come what may, that’s the maximum number of days the Maybot has left to function before she self-destructs. It’s all in the code.”

Disruption in the Cabinet is coming to a head. The utter imbecility of pursuing Brexit as a policy is finally taking its toll on sentient ministers. The situation will take more unravelling than a ball of wool after a group of kittens has been let loose on it.

These ministers, who allegedly include Rudd, Gauke, Hammond, Clark, Mundell and Grieve, have finally decided they want nothing more to do with the Brexit shitshow.

Theresa May, as is her wont, is taking it on the chin. Keep Calm And Carry On Ignoring The Facts is her mantra. She is planning to replace her Cabinet with something Stronger and Stabler by going for the technological solution: a chest of drawers that can walk and talk.

There are historical precedents for this course of action. Margaret Thatcher created a Cabinet out of dead sheep, Caligula made his horse a senator, and Donald Trump appointed a clothes-horse to be his daughter.

There is one striking difference. Thatcher, Caligula and Trump were/are all batshit crazy. May is instead stuck in an iterative loop, in which this question is asked repeatedly: “Is Brexit ready yet?”. The eternal reply is “Computer says no”.

May, typically, is planning to construct the techno-chest of drawers herself, using the enormous number of pairs of short planks lying around in Parliament.

Woodwork expert Morty Sand-Tenon had doubts about May’s carpentry skills. “She has never displayed any aptitude for practical matters,” said Sand-Tenon. “Creating a piece of quality furniture is a job for a craftsman, not a deluded incompetent working with inferior materials and blunt tools.”

Members of the ERG (Extra-thick Redwood Group) are unhappy. Members, who include Andrew Bridge-Table and Jacob Fleece-Rugg, are pressing May to endorse innovative improvements to the chest of drawers. This technology, which is so cutting-edge that it doesn’t yet exist, would give the chest speech and mobility functions, which would enable it to carry out basic governmental tasks.

Although the best use of the chest of drawers would be to put a sock in it.

A woman in a position of power to do exactly what she says, it seems, is to give a Valentine’s Day speech tonight which includes the promise to screw our entire country, and hard.

“They’re won’t be any butter either,” our SNAFU analyst adds, “mostly because it will be melting out the back of a gridlocked truck, broken down after being stuck idle at a hard border somewhere.”

The exact way in which she will promise to screw the country is believed to entail a game of chicken mashed up with twister (don’t ask how, this is Brexit) that everyone has to play. During this game she will steer the UK headfirst at reality and demand reality gets out of the way. It won’t.

“It’s going to be messy,” our analyst says, “a simple hot shower won’t get all the bodily fluids resulting from the screwing off. This won’t be a lipstick on your collar type thing either. This is a full blown, hard fist right into the backside of the UK.”

Whether or not gloves will be worn during the event is not yet clear.

“It’s not even certain she really intends to screw the entirety of the UK,” says our analyst, “but when you consider the flatline in FDI, the departing industries, the alienation on the world stage, the rent a fascists on our streets seemingly allowed to do as they like, the refusal to investigate all the crime involved in the Brexit campaigns and the fact that that little prat is Williamson is being allowed to pretend to be a general, I’d say we’re pretty well f*cked already. Some of us just don’t know it yet.”

Videos of a good hard Brexiting can be found on the dark web. We advise you delete your browser history after viewing though. Oh, and you’ll probably go blind if you go there. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Brexiter “Dr” Liam Fox wants human rights to be optional, rather than, well, a human right. His excuse is to facilitate post-Brexit trade, but the reality is yet another hidden privatisation. In future, UK citizens wishing to continue to have human rights will have to apply for them.

There is, of course, a fee attached to this process. The suggestion that it will cost £350m to obtain human rights was dismissed as “faintly ridiculous” by Dr Fox’s spokesman Jack Schitt. In fact, the fee for an adult will be £65. “The fee for children will be half that, since children are less human than adults,” he added.

All existing human rights will cease to exist once the Brexit process has completed, since they are currently aligned with the EU. “Obviously, we cannot tolerate the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights,” explained Schitt. “It makes everything simpler just to start from scratch.”

Anyone wishing to apply for human rights status after Brexit should download an app onto their smartphone. Anyone not possessing a smartphone will be officially anachronistic and have no self-respect. Therefore these people will not be encouraged to seek out the alternative methods of application, and will be deemed to have forfeited their rights.

Advertisements have been placed in all national publications and social media. To encourage early uptake, these advertisements read: “Apply for human rights status NOW and receive a FREE £10 NHS voucher!”

Unfortunately for some, the app only works on Android devices. Jack Schitt again: “We are trying to iron out any potential problems,” he said shiftily. “Until then, if you do find yourself in difficulty, it serves you right for being an Apple w*nker! Go and buy the cheap rip-off, you tosser, that’s where the country is heading anyway. Get over it!”

We tried to contact Fox for comment, but he was too busy digging himself a foxhole.

A woman who should know better has spoken exclusively to LCD Views today in the hope of convincing everyone to rot away their brains.

She says she scrapes the mould off her jam and uses it for a brain and you should do it too.

”Not just your brain, your conscience too,” she adds, “you find doing ghastly things to people based on little more than their accident of birth and/or skin colour is incredibly easy once you allow mould to make all the difficult life choices for you.”

The frank admission is welcome and helps explain much of the record of ghastly, costly, xenophobic and downright bonkers decisions she has taken in nearly a decade of holding high office.

”Once we all have a mouldy brain then we can all reshape the United Kingdom in the image of mycotoxin. The toxins we’ll produce will make dominating the world anew much simpler as we’ll more easily overcome anyone we touch.”

But how do you do it?

”It’s quite simple once you get the hang of it,” she says, “you simply take a butter knife, find a jar of jam with mould on the top, scrape off the jam and then repeatedly jam the mould smeared flat of the knife against your forehead while repeating an incantation.”

What is the incantation?

”Red, white and blue Brexit. Hubble bubble. I am going to make a success of it. Hocus pocus. Let my brain be made of mould found on jam. Abracadabra.”

See, so simple any idiot can do it.

Great news today for lovers of fiscal policy tightening by government with the announcement that HMG is to create “The Graylings”, gongs for the Secretary of State, and other ministers, who waste the most public money annually.

”It’s pretty much open season on the public finances,” our Downing Street insider reveals, “we know we’re running out of time in seeming control of the country and its finances, so it’s grab as much cash as you can before the sheriff rides into town and we have to scarper for the hills. All those non-exec positions on the boards of companies that have benefitted massively from our policy decisions, while having a pad next to Dave “trotters” Cameron in Nice.”

But why waste time creating the Graylings? Surely you’ve got more pressing things to do?

”We want our legacy to last long after we’ve finished doing the work of 55 Tufton Street. The Grayling award will help with that. Automatic elevation to the Lords and a £350m pot to the winner annually. Sweet.”

Other awards are also planned.

”The Chope, a pin on your lapel star for the most regressive and morally repulsive MP, to be awarded weekly, as it’s such a crowded field,

”The Mays, for the public servant hell bent on a path regardless of how much evidence has piled up that it’s insane; that public money isn’t going to find its way into private pockets via catastrophe without a good push from the top you know!”

I hear there’s talk too of the Johnson, what’s that one?

“That’s in honour of man of the moment, bastion of piffle paffle and casual racism himself, Boris Johnson.”

What’s the entry criteria to be in the running for a Johnson?

”Easy, you just need to be the biggest rooster in the show. Some said, given how much public money he wasted while Mayor of London it’s too similar to the Grayling, but we think he deserves a special award based on his personality alone.”

The Grayling, you’ve got to be in it to win it. To win it you’ve got to be an idiot.

The no-deal deal for the no-ferries ferry company  has been scrapped by the no-plan planners. The idea has become no idea, and the proposal that was floated has been sunk.

There is a beautiful irony in that the body that pulled the plug was its Irish backer. No backstop, no deal.

This ought to be a severe embarrassment for the government. However, the Prime Minister herself has denied this. “Let me be very clear on this point,” she grated. “This government does not do embarrassment.”

It is yet another triumph of idiocy over any kind of common sense or practical consideration. The Minister for Bare-Faced Incompetence, Chris “Insert Joke Here” Grayling, remains proudly in post.

“The EU is sabotaging our preparations,” wittered Grayling, over a strong drink and a stronger cigarette in his local Contemptible Club. “Ireland is still in the EU, isn’t it? Anyway, they have dumped us in the shit big time again, so that’s another £14m they aren’t getting their hands on!”

Grayling reveals his alternative plan. “The EU have declared war on our sovereignty and Imperial delusions,” he declared. “So in the same way, I will evoke the Blitz Spirit and the Dunkirk Spirit, in the expectation that plucky Brits will always muddle through somehow.”

Grayling waddled off to the bar for a refill of Dutch Courage.

Our fearless investigative journalists attempted to track down anyone who claims to work for Seaborne Freight, the company that never was that became famous for not existing, and now never will exist. We located its head office in a run-down terraced house in Ramsgate. The house’s sole occupant was an old, deranged man, sitting in a bath, rocking back and forth and playing with a rubber duck.

By coincidence, government cuts mean that Ramsgate Harbour will not reopen any time soon.

You could argue that this is all a storm in a teacup, or Brexit in microcosm. Whatever floats your boat.

Long pants wearing school yard rebel, multi-millionaire, isolationist ‘socialist’ and so called ‘Absolute boy’ Jeremy Corbyn has made the most disliked girl in their Westminster school yard an offer he knows she’ll refuse, just to look cool in front of the other kids.

“It’s playground politics of the highest level,” LCD View’s obsessively depressed school counsellor reports,

“he knows he’s got her. She can’t accept his offer because if she does the few kids who pretend to like her, because she has a lot of money for sweets, will turn on her and if she doesn’t accept his offer then he can say, hey, look, at least I tried to help her get accepted by the kids who bully her, weekly, as a ritual, but who think the ‘absolute boy’ is mint. Even if they’ve never said it directly to anyone.”

But why is she so unpopular?

“Well, she’s head girl, so she’s a stickler for the rules, well, not the school’s rules, the rules she makes up as she goes along and forces all the other kids to stick to on pain of exclusion. She has the ear of the school authorities. Some say her family donate a lot of money to the school and this is why she is so influential, but I’m not into spreading school yard rumours, so I won’t,

“Anyway, the school is twinned with another school and it lets the kids share a lot of facilities that they otherwise wouldn’t have. She doesn’t like the kids at the other school because she thinks they talk funny,

“For this reason she wants to break the partnership, but it’ll mean everyone in the school, except the richest kids, will lose out. This hasn’t done a lot for her popularity.”

But why has the ‘Absolute boy’ has made the offer now?

“It is not clear, but it’s believed the timing is something to do with a long running school yard prank that has been nicknamed ‘the long game’, by kids who think the ageing, multi-millionaire school boy, isolationist ‘socialist’ is playing a well smart move that will see him elected head boy of the entire school,

This is all very convoluted and confusing.

“It’s supposed to be. That’s so no one knows what is going on.”

But do you think he’ll get elected head boy? Will this strategy work?

“I don’t think so personally. I haven’t thought so since 2016 and let me tell you, I got a lot of grief for pointing it out when I walked through the school yard. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what the kids are really up to and who’ll get hurt as they carry on their school yard politics.”

Who’ll get hurt?

“Everyone. Many kids believe Jezza is just using the unpopular girl’s unpopularity to force an early election for head boy, or girl. Once he’s won it he’ll maintain the relationship with the other school, but some kids believe he’s never really liked the other school himself, something to do with all the rights they keep enshrining in law for every kid, regardless of their family’s bank accounts, and he just wants the girl to get all the blame for the break up. Apparently some graffiti in the school toilets rubbishing the other school from a few years back is in his handwriting.”

Surely it’s time the grown ups intervened and put a stop to this? It just sounds like bullying? Like no way to run a school.

“Fat chance of that! All the grown ups send their kids to the other school! I wouldn’t be surprised if the Westminster School for Big Boys and Big Girls ends up in special measures soon.”