Category: Governing the people

Mrs Tusk, a twelve year old fictional elephant currently residing in a make believe Dover safari park, is being hailed as the next bright hope for promotion to service in May’s cabinet. The development comes as the government scouts for talent to run a soon to be created ministry for intentional disasters.

”It’s because of the elephant’s deliberate creation of a document with more detail than any government No Deal contingency yet produced,” an insider in the prime minister’s office told us, while we helped burn papers relating to scandals still to come.

“Thanks for helping burn these documents. It’s a great relief most of MSM British media is so pro-Tory and blithely disinterested in all the crime relating to the advisory referendum. It’s almost like an establishment stitch-up. But that couldn’t be the case, as the official opposition leaders are disinterested in the crimes too.”

We don’t mind burning stuff. May might really be in the poop if everything she did as Home Office Chief Executioner 2010-2016 were to come out in a rush. Best it’s drip fed, one scandal of poor governance after another.

But whether or not Mrs Tusk is willing to serve in May’s cabinet is yet to be ascertained.

”We’ve made noises that ivory trade bad. Elephant good,” the insider commented, “why wouldn’t the elephant serve? After we arrange a by-election, get her parachuted in as a candidate and elected with a majority equivalent to her weight.”

Maybe she would be worried that the intensity of line work and attention to detail, so evident in her work to date relative to government work, would be dismissed out of hand by Ms May?

”Well, that would only happen if it contradicted the government’s chosen policy agendas.”

So you mean to say if the papers Mrs Tusk produced were evidence based, rather than complete insanity solely designed to further neocon economics and normalise alt-right politics?

”Precisely. Wow. You’ve got a grasp. You fancy coming to work for us?”

I’d rather watch ‘Love Island’ all year without a toilet break.

”So that’s a yes?”

No. But good luck recruiting Mrs Tusk.

”Thanks. It would be lovely to have a real elephant in the cabinet. It might distract attention from the herd of metaphorical ones that are making it almost impossible to get any magical thinking done.”

“It’s amazing what a few splitters can achieve in just a few short days,” LCD Views Crystal Balls says, “although I’d prefer a baker’s dozen by midday today. Another rocket into the bunkers of the old Brexit parties to see the old men and women stumble out from their well padded holes in the ground, faces smeared with the soot of more defections.”

Will eleven departures from Labour and Tory, and a bonus Austin, be enough to force the captains of the Global Titanic Britain to change course, even as the bows of the once great ship of state scrape along the unrelenting iceberg?

”The stinking shit of state is more accurate, currently,” Crystal Balls replies, “bobbing on top of the filth swells on the sea of despair.”

That’s a smelly situation to find yourself in. It’s no way to run a country, unless you want to run it into the ground. As a few seem to want to do, based on the last few years.

”Yes indeed. But looking at what lies outside the bunker. The bot armies. The rent a gob fascists on the street. The tribal political groupings furious and baffled. That’s why more rats haven’t jumped off the ship yet,” Balls rolls on, not forgetting we’re mixing it up with bunker, ships and shits,

“they’re looking at the waters so full already of the wreckage of jobs and lives caused by the duopoly at Westminster pursuing Brexit and thinking, I don’t want to bob about in there.”

Well they may need to. Leave means leave. Get out of the old parties and take a dip.

”I want them too. Another handful leave each and we can watch as Tragic Grandpa and the Maybot begin to fight one another to turn the big wheel to starboard before the Brexitberg tears a giant hole in the hull of all we hold dear.”

Prime (in name only) Minister Theresa May has been sittin’ on the dock of the bay for a very long time now. Nobody can persuade her to move, and she has a permit to sit there until 2022.

Originally she was surrounded by a whole gang of optimistic supporters, waiting for their ship to come in. One by one, her companions have drifted away, as they became aware of the futility of their task.

Some have even jumped ship in an effort to drag her away from the precipice. So far this has had no effect, as she sits there, a rudderless figurehead, captain of a sinking ship.

LCD Views asked her what she was doing there. “I’m watchin’ the ships roll in,” she said, “then I watch ’em roll away again.” A plausible response, except that she was sitting on Ramsgate’s disused harbour watching the ferries run by Seaborne Freight.

That won’t do, we said. There must be more to being Prime Minister.

“Yes, I’m sittin’ here restin’ my bones,” croaked May. “And this loneliness won’t leave me alone. But I’m Primed for action, should it be required.”

You know this makes you Prime Suspect in The Case of the Missing Brexit, don’t you?

“I can’t do what ten people tell me to do,” she droned obliquely, staring blankly out to sea. “So I guess I’ll remain the same.”

This business with hating brown people makes you more Prime Gammon than Prime Minister. It’s not a good look.

“I’ve got nothin’ to live for,” she moaned. “Looks like nothin’s gonna come my way, so I’m just sittin’ on the dock of the bay, watchin’ the tide roll away with all my hopes and dreams.”

We left her there, more sub-Prime than Optimus Prime, sittin’ on the dock of the bay, wastin’ time.

“I’m not into dog whistle politics, just to trigger the Tory voter base, and further my own leadership ambitions, by proving I can be well hard on the children of immigrants,” someone claiming to be Sajid Javid told LCD Views in an imagined conversation today,

“I’m perhaps just a brazen political opportunist, some may say, and I hope my stripping Jeremy Corbyn of his citizenship today displays that quality.”

But surely that’s not possible, as Mr Corbyn was born in Britain and has committed no crime?

”Oh, didn’t you hear we’ve made possession of books with red covers a crime on a par with treason. And besides, I reckon he has Russian citizenship. He’s fine. He can go to Moscow. He’s friends who know the city well enough.”

But doesn’t, arguably, abusing your office of state and its powers for political aims make our democracy less safe? Surely it’s the thin edge of the wedge? Who next?

”You! Ha! You’re next. You once wrote an article critical of Corbyn, after ninety nine bashing my government, so I figured, well, you criticise Corbyn 1% of the time, you’re clearly a paid up Tory shill and I should tell our social media arm to give you a payrise. But now I’m not so sure…”

Wait, the government has a social media arm? You could have fooled me!

”You’re only making it worse for yourself.”

So when are you announcing that you’ve done it? That you’ve taken citizenship off the leader of the official opposition purely out of political opportunism?

”The 23rd of March will do it.”

Why then?

”Because that’s when the next People’s Vote March is planned for London and you can guarantee the absolute boy will be overseas doing something worthy at the time.”

One more thing…

”Yes?”

You’re not really Sajid Javid are you?

”No. I’m a political leek.”

LCD Views can reveal the result of a non-exhaustive study today that has found that the citizens of the United Kingdom are safer in the European Union.

“It was a non-exhaustive study because it wasn’t that hard,” our political futures correspondent, Mr Safety First, says, “seriously, it took about thirty seconds to come to the correct finding. We didn’t really find any evidence to the contrary either. The future is apparent IN or OUT of the EU. You can tell this by looking at the past decade and the present.”

But what was the lynchpin? We need to boil this down for rapid digital consumption.

“That’s easy.”

Well, please do.

“Right. It’s because being in the European Union means there is a base level of protection provided by the treaties and rules, regulations, laws and so on of the supranational organisation. You have to recall its founding, back in the post WW2 years. You also have to consider how you can get dozens of countries to work together. As difficult as that is, and as imperfect as it sometimes is, you don’t do it unless you can guarantee as much equality as possible. Yes certain countries have a lot more money and population and thus power, but every country has a veto. Every country has power. Can you say the same about the union that comprises the United Kingdom? Remain and reform in the UK would be a good starting point. Although Brexit makes the reverse more likely.”

That’s all very well, but what’s the one line to takeaway?

“Fine. It’s because staying in the EU provides the citizens of the UK some protection from their own government. Do you really want a Tory home secretary, or a far left one, should the country flip, in sole control of your rights?”

I suspect I wouldn’t have any. My rights would be based on their whim, if you look at how they’re currently riding roughshod over our democracy.

“Precisely. That’s what we discovered too.”

That wasn’t exhaustive at all.

“If Brexit does happen, you’ll get all the exhaustion you need. No fear.”

Prime Minister Theresa May stands accused of letting the cat out of the bag today after publicly begging her greatest electoral asset, Jeremy ‘jobs first Brexit’ Corbyn to “hold firm on your pro Brexit policy”.

”It’s clearly asked in the credible hope of the complete destruction of the Labour Party before the summer 2019 GE,” our electoral analyst muses,

“Brexit is going to take out both main parties of course, but both leaderships are too blinded by their belief in their own revolutionary righteousness to see that. That said, thanks to the uncertainty principle, who knows what surprising results may emerge, if one crumbles before the other and a GE is called…if could be five more years of Tory rule, thanks to Labour having infected itself with the Tory toxin and dying first. This will likely happen during the article 50 extension period.”

And the Tories have every reason to hope that seven Labour MPs resigning from the Labour Party, for several stated reasons, will not cause Corbyn and chums to change course.

”Who needs red Tory blairite scum anyway? Who needs MPs who question the leader? Jezza never did that! Voters should be made to sign loyalty pledges before voting for Corbyn’s party too. And these are MPs who Labour insurgents have been gunning to put on show trials before kicking them out. People are going to be furious they’ve leaped before they were pushed!”

It’s hoped the show trials may still get to happen, after John McDonnell called on the departing MPs to call by elections.

It’s not hoped any Tories will join the Labour breakaways, as that will cause a number crisis in Westminster that would force Corbyn and May to work openly to deliver Brexit.

”They will be bye bye elections! Ha!” our analyst chuckles, “they’re just self serving scum anyway. Putting their own careers first by calling down the well funded wrath of an entire political party on their isolated heads. What selfish bastards! See how they fare without Len inviting him to his penthouse apartment in the Shard! Elite traitors! They get told their principles these days by head office and a little red book. They don’t decide for themselves.”

LCD Views is proud to announce we have partnered with ‘SNAFU’ television to bring to you “The Maytrix”, a new forty part, fly on the wall documentary about life inside 10 Downing Street.

The series will be live streamed each day, with a short delay to allow for minimal editing (to insert additional offensive language), as world famous AI controlled prime minister, ‘The Maybot’, goes about her sinister daily task of generating an ever expanding dystopia.

“It’s hoped the series will give voters an insight into why their lives are going down the toilet in an ever tightening spiral,” producer Ken Doll says,

“there was some concern when SNAFU approached us for the tie-up that all we would see was a series of blue screens of death, broken only by spinning wheels as the Maybot malfunctioned, but we’ve been reassured there will also be intense policy generating sessions. These will give people tuning in real insight into how a dispassionate machine decides their fate with no recourse to basic human emotions.”

These policy sessions are believed to alternative between reality, which never lasts long, and hour long blue sky thinking sessions wherein the Maybot spins in a circle attempting to use her limited code base to configure a different way to ask Brussels to shaft the Irish.

“Viewers will also see a rotating cast of Tory VIP’s come and go from the Maybot’s narrow field of vision. It’s a great chance to see how some of the more outstanding characters function when they forget they’re being observed, as they go about the business of programming the UK into a solely graft based political system.”

But there will be light hearted moments and pathos too.

“We’re told the Maybot needs to be turned off and on again as part of her daily routine. Watching her reboot is quite something. As the red light grows in her eyes. It’s actually incredibly sci-fi, her system crackling into life with little flashes of electricity before it starts screaming about finding Sarah Connor, then settles down to demanding more ways to make life hard for forriners.”

In the background in every room there’s a giant clock, ticking down the seconds to Brexit day.

But why only forty episodes?

“Because come what may, that’s the maximum number of days the Maybot has left to function before she self-destructs. It’s all in the code.”

Disruption in the Cabinet is coming to a head. The utter imbecility of pursuing Brexit as a policy is finally taking its toll on sentient ministers. The situation will take more unravelling than a ball of wool after a group of kittens has been let loose on it.

These ministers, who allegedly include Rudd, Gauke, Hammond, Clark, Mundell and Grieve, have finally decided they want nothing more to do with the Brexit shitshow.

Theresa May, as is her wont, is taking it on the chin. Keep Calm And Carry On Ignoring The Facts is her mantra. She is planning to replace her Cabinet with something Stronger and Stabler by going for the technological solution: a chest of drawers that can walk and talk.

There are historical precedents for this course of action. Margaret Thatcher created a Cabinet out of dead sheep, Caligula made his horse a senator, and Donald Trump appointed a clothes-horse to be his daughter.

There is one striking difference. Thatcher, Caligula and Trump were/are all batshit crazy. May is instead stuck in an iterative loop, in which this question is asked repeatedly: “Is Brexit ready yet?”. The eternal reply is “Computer says no”.

May, typically, is planning to construct the techno-chest of drawers herself, using the enormous number of pairs of short planks lying around in Parliament.

Woodwork expert Morty Sand-Tenon had doubts about May’s carpentry skills. “She has never displayed any aptitude for practical matters,” said Sand-Tenon. “Creating a piece of quality furniture is a job for a craftsman, not a deluded incompetent working with inferior materials and blunt tools.”

Members of the ERG (Extra-thick Redwood Group) are unhappy. Members, who include Andrew Bridge-Table and Jacob Fleece-Rugg, are pressing May to endorse innovative improvements to the chest of drawers. This technology, which is so cutting-edge that it doesn’t yet exist, would give the chest speech and mobility functions, which would enable it to carry out basic governmental tasks.

Although the best use of the chest of drawers would be to put a sock in it.

A woman in a position of power to do exactly what she says, it seems, is to give a Valentine’s Day speech tonight which includes the promise to screw our entire country, and hard.

“They’re won’t be any butter either,” our SNAFU analyst adds, “mostly because it will be melting out the back of a gridlocked truck, broken down after being stuck idle at a hard border somewhere.”

The exact way in which she will promise to screw the country is believed to entail a game of chicken mashed up with twister (don’t ask how, this is Brexit) that everyone has to play. During this game she will steer the UK headfirst at reality and demand reality gets out of the way. It won’t.

“It’s going to be messy,” our analyst says, “a simple hot shower won’t get all the bodily fluids resulting from the screwing off. This won’t be a lipstick on your collar type thing either. This is a full blown, hard fist right into the backside of the UK.”

Whether or not gloves will be worn during the event is not yet clear.

“It’s not even certain she really intends to screw the entirety of the UK,” says our analyst, “but when you consider the flatline in FDI, the departing industries, the alienation on the world stage, the rent a fascists on our streets seemingly allowed to do as they like, the refusal to investigate all the crime involved in the Brexit campaigns and the fact that that little prat is Williamson is being allowed to pretend to be a general, I’d say we’re pretty well f*cked already. Some of us just don’t know it yet.”

Videos of a good hard Brexiting can be found on the dark web. We advise you delete your browser history after viewing though. Oh, and you’ll probably go blind if you go there. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Brexiter “Dr” Liam Fox wants human rights to be optional, rather than, well, a human right. His excuse is to facilitate post-Brexit trade, but the reality is yet another hidden privatisation. In future, UK citizens wishing to continue to have human rights will have to apply for them.

There is, of course, a fee attached to this process. The suggestion that it will cost £350m to obtain human rights was dismissed as “faintly ridiculous” by Dr Fox’s spokesman Jack Schitt. In fact, the fee for an adult will be £65. “The fee for children will be half that, since children are less human than adults,” he added.

All existing human rights will cease to exist once the Brexit process has completed, since they are currently aligned with the EU. “Obviously, we cannot tolerate the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights,” explained Schitt. “It makes everything simpler just to start from scratch.”

Anyone wishing to apply for human rights status after Brexit should download an app onto their smartphone. Anyone not possessing a smartphone will be officially anachronistic and have no self-respect. Therefore these people will not be encouraged to seek out the alternative methods of application, and will be deemed to have forfeited their rights.

Advertisements have been placed in all national publications and social media. To encourage early uptake, these advertisements read: “Apply for human rights status NOW and receive a FREE £10 NHS voucher!”

Unfortunately for some, the app only works on Android devices. Jack Schitt again: “We are trying to iron out any potential problems,” he said shiftily. “Until then, if you do find yourself in difficulty, it serves you right for being an Apple w*nker! Go and buy the cheap rip-off, you tosser, that’s where the country is heading anyway. Get over it!”

We tried to contact Fox for comment, but he was too busy digging himself a foxhole.