Category: Governing the people

Chuck A. Beveridge, the man who threw milkshake at Nigel Farage, is confused. He has been ordered to do community service, but thought that he had already done that by throwing the milkshake.

Beveridge was hauled up in front of humourless magistrates to do penance.  “It’s a disgrace!” thundered magistrate Waring A. Silliwig. “In this great country, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, one simply does not throw expensive drinks at fringe politicians!”

Beveridge was not to be browbeaten. “It was a spur of the moment act,” he replied. “I was enjoying a tasty, milky drink and minding my own business. Then this procession came towards me, accompanied by the stench of nostalgic exceptionalism, and led by a man I can only describe as Nigel Farage. I saw red, white and blue. I didn’t even think. I just launched the shake. I did it for the greater good!”

“I fail to see how defacing one of our minor celebrities constitutes the greater good,” replied Silliwig, with a trace of sarcasm. “You will do 150 hours of community service!”

“But milkshaking Farage is an act of community service,” Beveridge responded. “The poisonous, slippery little man has had it his own way far too much. Nobody is prepared to stand up to him. I think he’s milking it too much!”

“And you must pay for the clean-up!” continued Silliwig, not to be deflected. “The street will need to be scrubbed, and the non-recycleable cup and straw must be disposed of!”

“What about Nigel’s suit?” asked Beveridge.

“Yeah, I suppose we should get that cleaned up too,” agreed Silliwig. “Mustn’t have him strutting about with it like a badge of honour!”

“So you agree with me,” said Beveridge.

“Yes, but officially I can’t,” said Silliwig. “I’m paid to stick up for the wealthy and privileged. 150 hours of community service. Next!”

Beveridge may have lost his job as a result of the incident, but he has already moved into TV production. Tune in tonight for his new show, Celebrity Shakes!

PM WIFFLE WAFFLE : BORIS JOHNSON’S campaign to be prime minister looks sturdier today than yesterday after his notes for dealing with a No Deal Brexit were leaked to the press overnight.

“Raab is furious,” an insider inside Johnson’s pants told LCD Views, “Boris has copied his workings. So too Sajid. All three have exactly the same plan for managing a No Deal Brexit. Although between you and me I think Raab believes in it more, but then, he’s not that bright.”

The plans, which are composed of blank sheets in a vintage notepad, are more detailed than many expected.

“He’s got as far as opening a notepad. It shows he’s thought about it. I expect he’ll begin writing things down and crossing them out sometime before the end of the summer.”

What Boris will write down, and cross out, is the focus of speculation.

“One, blame the Germans. I reckon he’ll write that down. Then two, blame the French. That’ll go down also. His target constituency in the Tory Party will bray for that.”

And the leaking of the notes is expected to cause some ‘blue on blue’ action as the other leadership contenders hit back over what they’ll claim is IP theft.

“Raab will threaten to sue Boris for plagiarism, live on air, in that TV debate Boris won’t take part in tonight. Then Sajid will threaten to sue Raab, while Rory looks on amused because he doesn’t need a plan, because he’s not threatening to do it.”

Why Boris has used an antique notepad and not a new one isn’t entirely clear, but some have speculated it’s actually his little black book and that’s the only page he hasn’t filled with the names of fruity young fillies yet.

It’s a hard life, and sometimes you know when you are in too deep. Matt Hancock has recognised that Boris is the alpha male in the competition to f*ck the UK. He has retreated to get on with the job in hand.

“I wasn’t getting the satisfaction I wanted,” said Hancock, zipping up. “So I withdrew, went to my office and got on with what I do best.”

Which is?

“I’m Health Secretary, which means I have to look after myself,” he replied, wiping his hands. “Also, and this is completely unconnected, there’s this listeria outbreak to investigate.”

Which listeria outbreak?

“There have been deaths from contaminated hospital food,” replied Hancock, slamming down the lid of his laptop. “Hand on cock, I mean hand on heart, I have no idea how contamination could have entered either the pig’s head sandwiches or the cut-price bargain mayonnaise.”

In order to unravel these mysteries, LCD Views’ Private Passions correspondent spoke to Hancock’s long standing friend, Ivanka Lott.

“Matt’s always been a very private person,” says Ivanka. “He’s always been a solo operator. If you want a job doing, he always says, do it yourself. Mrs Hancock allegedly wants children, but is destined to be disappointed.”

There is no way he would ever be able to compete with Boris, Ivanka remarks. “Boris spaffs money up the wall,” she observes. “Matt spaffs money in private and conceals the evidence. The People like a man who proudly presents his personal peccadillos to the public. Matt is neat and tidy. Boris makes a lot of noise and a lot of mess, and expects someone else to clear up after him. The People just lap it up!”

Hancock entered with confidence, but his campaign soon went limp. We can only surmise how he consoled himself.

Fifteen minutes of fame? Let’s be generous and call it Hancock’s Half Hour.

It’s All Greek To Me Secretary, Jeremy C. Hunt, has made a plea for broadcasters to stop making fun of his name. Consequently, all news outlets globally have instead pinky promised to call him Jeremy Lady-Garden.

“I think it’s most disrespectful,” said Lady-Garden. “C*** is such a horrible word. Lady-Garden is much more pleasant. It evokes feminine grace and beauty, lush vegetation and a sweet aroma.”

It’s so much better than the original Hunt, too. “Yes, who wants loads of men with horns rummaging around where they please?” asked Lady-Garden. “It’s damaging to the vegetation, and a violation of open countryside.”

Jeremy’s embracing of his feminine side is a massive step away from the traditional parliamentary willy-waving. LCD Views’ resident Below The Belt correspondent, Jenny Taylia, offered her psychological insights.

“I think Jeremy has taken his distant second place in the leadership contest to heart,” remarks Taylia. “The knock his confidence must have taken is enormous. Imagine coming second to a muppet like Johnson, and finishing only narrowly ahead of a coked-up slimeball.”

Is this why he has gone all snowflakey about being called a c***?

“Partly,” admitted Taylia. “It’s also a conscious move to soften his image, and to gain female support. It is his attempt to appear deep, warm and accommodating.”

In some respects, then, Lady-Garden is still thinking like a man.

“While we are talking downstairs body parts, one of his rivals told me that Jeremy wasn’t a c***, but an ars*h*le,” Taylia revealed. “They are next door, after all, like China and Japan. It’s an easy mistake for a misguided prick to make.”

So how do you see the change affecting his chances of winning the next ballot?

“It won’t make the slightest difference,” said Taylia. “You can call him Jeremy Lady-Garden by all means, but he’s still a c***.”

It seems that Jeremy has made a boob, and now he looks like a complete tit.

HANDS UP : The gaggle of confirmed lunatics struggling to replace Theresa May as leader of the Tories have been praised today by a nation grateful for moral guidance.

”They’re all pledging to fix a country they broke systemically, and completely avoidably, over nearly a decade,” said Mr Kno One, “that shows a degree of personal insight and maturity they need to fix the country they broke.”

Which one will ultimately hold the cellotape and superglue isn’t clear until late July, although one of the biggest wreckers is clearly favourite.

”Of course Boris can fix it,” said Mrs No One-either, “he’s a complete wrecking ball. His total disregard for integrity, truth, gravity of office and the common good has helped smashed the country to its knees. Of course he knows how to do it. He’ll just have to run himself in reverse.”

But he’s not alone in having the know how required.

“If you want to stop fires you get an arsonist,” shrugged Ms No Nope, “if you’re worried about theft of domestic pets you get a cat burglar. It’s pretty obvious. Who can fix the vicious welfare system? Esther McVey! She’s an expert, especially in the vicious part. What about the dumbing down of public debate? Angela Leadsom! Worried about the privatisation of the NHS? Get in the health secretary with curious donations from curious origins. Don’t like the hostile environment? Sajid is your man, he’ll tell you the story of his childhood and then carry on May’s legacy. They’ve all got the talents.”

LCD Views would like to commend the contenders for the maturity they’re displaying recognising the UK is in a terrible pickle, and seeing as how they’re all holding bottles of vinegar, we fully trust them to fix it.

Anyone calling for a general election in the hope of shaking things up and perhaps removing some of the dullards and sociopaths is not giving them a chance. When it comes to know how on Broken Britain, we’ve already got the best.

Chris Grayling is the latest minister to come clean about dirty deeds. He admits to attempting to snort coke, but couldn’t do it because of the high carbon dioxide content.

“I usually just drink it,” confessed Grayling. “But then Govey let on that he likes snorting it, so I thought I would give it a go!”

But that didn’t work out too well either.

“I sat there with my drink, snorting,” said Grayling. “But making myself laugh down my nose did nothing for me. I must say though, I did produce some impressive bogies!”

Eventually someone explained to him that snorting coke meant breathing it in through a rolled up banknote.

“Well, I thought, my plastic drinking straw is much the same thing,” Grayling continued. “So I did it! Then sneezed everywhere, because the bubbles got up my nose. I told Govey, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”

But Gove isn’t the only government minister with a drug habit.

“Rory Stewart likes a bit of opium,” reveals Grayling. “No wonder he always smells so nice. He picked up the habit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Jacob admits to occasionally sampling laudanum with Samuel Taylor Coleridge.”

Then there are several cannabis users.

“Dominic Raab likes to smoke joints,” said Grayling. “So I tried it. I rolled my joint first, why you do that I still have no idea, then smoked it. I now have a large supply of smoked gammon. It’s delicious, but I still can’t see the attraction.”

Grayling also reveals that there is a small group that enjoys LSD.

“The old fashioned ones, who want a return to the pre-decimal currency,” said Grayling. “They claim that unicorns are not only real, but they have seen them and ridden on them. Well, I got some farthings and florins, but no unicorns appeared. It’s a mystery, and nobody will tell me what’s going on!”

And he departed, to the strains of Lucy in the Sky with David Davis.

GO WHISTLE : Global Britons need have no fear today as the U.K. shortly embarks on its next premiership, with the oh so slow sinking of the bad ship Mayhem, as supporters of hot favourite Boris Johnson say they’ve priced in all his noteworthy qualities.

“We’ll be alright Jack, don’t worry about us,” a gaggle of Tory inheritance millionaires told LCD Views, “we didn’t get to where we are today by dint of the accident of birth. Hard work. Graft. More Graft. A lot more graft. And even more graft got us here as buoyancy aids to the most feckless and untrustworthy man in British politics. And given the shower in Westminster currently, that’s saying something! Trust us to profit whatever happens.”

And whatever happens is highly likely. Mr Johnson doesn’t have a reputation as a details man, rather the opposite. And he doesn’t have a reputation for honesty. And he doesn’t have a reputation for loyalty. And he doesn’t have a reputation for the degree of blood, sweat, toil and tears that Brexit Britain would bring.

“Lazy, feckless, dead cat on the table PM? Yes please,” the supporters chorused, “just like Donald Trump in the White House, everyone will be so distracted by all the chaos and outrageous comments that they won’t see what we’re up to behind closed doors. Look at the Boris show! Be appalled! Be surprised. Watch as the NHS gets privatised.”

But what of the chance that Boris as PM will read the impact papers of Brexit and decide he’s not doing it? He’s got the brass neck for any sort of policy reversal. He hardly wants to be the PM who breaks up the UK.

“Then it’ll all be May’s fault. The old fool. She’s the Brexit patsy forever. Job done. Off you trot. Don’t you worry about Boris, he’ll be okay. And we say to the EU, keep your banana straightening machines away!”

So it’s just bluffing it out all the way?

“And some bullying too. Anyone who gets in the way of Boris will be like a Japanese child on a rugby pitch.”

His supporters may have priced in Boris Johnson’s flaws, but I’m not sure the rest of us can afford it. Boris as PM? He’ll make a Titanic success of it and I know that the lies will go on…

National Service is the best cure for delinquent kids, says ‘Tory Rory’ Stewart. Stewart, the wannabe PM, hopes that cadets will progress into the EU army.

“You must understand that this is strictly non-military,” explained Tory Rory, rolling a special ciggie. “Young people will be trained to march, obey orders and kill foreigners, but in a completely non-military way.”

That sounds intriguing. So who will be conducting this novel non-military National Service?

“The Army, of course,” Tory Rory replied, taking a deep drag. “The Army will soon be running everything, after whoever beats me in this leadership race crashes us out of the EU. The Army is the solution to all domestic emergencies!”

Suddenly it makes perfect sense.

“The Army will take over from the failing police service,” he continued, blowing smoke rings. “It will run hospitals, battlefield style, and will completely take over education. A bit of old-fashioned discipline is what the kids of today need.”

And presumably National Service will replace sixth-form colleges?

“Exactly. It will be the nation’s finishing school,” he said, the opium really kicking in now. “Career opportunities are many, and I’m sure a lot will wish to progress into the EU army.”

Difficult, if we have crashed out of the EU.

“What? Nobody in their right mind would do that!” exclaimed Tory Rory, completely addled now. “The EU brings stability, prosperity and growth, and the longest peace Europe has ever known!”

He paused, apparently shocked by what had just come out of his own mouth.

“Yeah, but Brexit, yeah,” he drawled. “Got to Brexit come Hell or high water. Kind of appropriate given this climate change lark, eh?”

Tory Rory paused, seemingly deep in thought. He looked down at the remains of his ciggie.

“Christ, this is good shit,” he said finally.

Stewart retired to sit on a cactus and ponder his next move. Determined to blow his own trumpet, and his chances of ever progressing further, he rolled another ciggie to enable him to cope with his cognitive dissonance.

The drugs don’t work. Just say no, kids.

SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMONDS : Identical twin girls have taken over control of the U.K. this afternoon after Theresa May stepped down.

The Grady girls will serve as interim Tory leader and prime minister until the Conservative Party leadership contest is concluded.

”They may even be asked to stay on,” Chairman of the 1922 committee, Mr Satan, told LCD Views, “it’s unlikely whoever succeeds will be able to command the confidence of parliament. So if we can’t find a way to prorogue the meddling chamber then a little bit of the old supernatural terror maybe needed to see it out. At least until Brexit is delivered.”

It’s believed Ms May handpicked the Grady twins personally, believing they would be well suited to continue her now famous hostile environment.

”I personally would have just stuck it out,” Mr Satan shrugged, “Ms May’s knack for turning all that is good to dust was perfectly suited to the disaster capitalist project we’re carrying out. I don’t personally believe she’d exhausted her appetite for deceit, blackmail and treachery. I guess she just ran out of puff? Shame. I would have carried on supporting her. She’s one of my brightest and best.”

But out of puff May is. The Grady twins will however guarantee strong and stable governance throughout while the Prince of Lies chooses her successor and makes them an offer they can’t refuse, in exchange for temporary power.

”Anyone concerned that we’re just wasting more time while the Brexit clock runs out needn’t worry,” Mr Satan added, “given the rapidly deteriorating state of parliamentary democracy and the declining economy, that’s exactly what we’re about. So too the official opposition. Just settle in and enjoy the ride.”

We did ask the Grady girls for comment but all they would say was,

”Hello Blighty, come and play with us. Come and play with us forever…”

Donald Trump has backed Boris Johnson’s Tory leadership bid – but has some important advice. If you want to be an international leader, you have to be more orange.

Trump knows what he is talking about. After all, he is President of the United States, the World, the Universe, and Loompaland.

His advice was, naturally, splashed across social media. “Boris is a bigly great man!” read one typical post. “He learned from the best – me! I admire his hair, I LOVE his attitude. Like me, he is being bullied for telling his version of the truth. Prime Ministerial harassment!”

So far, so Trump. But a late night missive from the presidential bathroom contained the vital missing link. It read, “Boris must be MORE ORANGE if you covfefe”

Rumours that the President actually did an Elvis and died on the throne, mid-tweet, have been greatly exaggerated.

Analysts have been puzzling over the end of this tweet. However the initial advice is sound. To become PM, Boris must go on a diet of Wotsits.

Johnson himself is delighted. “I absolutely love Wotsits,” he admitted. “I also love Trump. I particularly admire the way he says whatever he likes without fear of getting Muellered. The courts won’t find me guilty either. I’m Boris Johnson. Talking bollocks is what I do. They can’t prosecute me for being me!”

Members of Boris’ staff reveal that he is stockpiling skin pigmentation products as well as Wotsits. He is going to reveal his new statesmanlike appearance at the televised beauty contest. This is already being described as ‘going the full red panda’.

Unfortunately, Trump has recently cut all communications with Boris. Johnson believes Trump is mixing him up with Nigel Farage. “It’s ridiculous!” said Boris. “After all, he’s a mendacious, lying, narcissistic twat, with his own personal advancement being his only goal in life. We are nothing alike!”

The future’s bright…