Category: Governing the people

Boris Johnson, not the sharpest tool in the box, is suspected to have had a bust-up with his partner. Unconfined rumours suggest that Boris was heard to mutter, well she could have been hiding a weapon.

It has taken Boris some time to make his Mark in this Field. He was always a lover, not a fighter.

Baseless allegations have been flying back and forth. Some say Carrie Symonds’ sister emerged from Boris’ back door with a black eye. Others allege that a pig’s head was smuggled out under the cover of darkness. One possible explanation is that Boris’ bed broke after a bigly bonk.

Nobody knows whether Symonds was removed bodily from the scene by the neck. Feminism must have taken massive steps now that Tory MPs feel threatened by women. It’s never been the same since Thatcher.

“I did not have an altercation with that woman!” burbled Boris, the morning after. “There’s no truth in the rumours. It was self-defence, pure and simple. She started talking about the environment, and, well, it was instinctive. Everyone knows environmentalists are armed to the teeth!”

She would hardly come into the bedroom, scantily dressed, to kill.

“Dressed to kill? No, no, no, no, no, yes,” agreed Boris. “Who knows what she could have concealed in that basque! And stilettos are lethal, and I should know!”

You would never have done that to a man.

“A man in my bedroom?” mused Boris. “There’s only one weapon a man needs in the bedroom, and it’s not lethal! It takes me right back to the dorms at Eton, we had some fun back then, I can tell you. Good times!”

None of this dispels the suspicion that Johnson and his chums regard women as second-class citizens. Nor that this makes them first-class weapons grade cavemen. Even if they didn’t vote Remain.

YAKETY BALL SAX : FANTASTIC news today on a badly needed update to Global Britain’s pomp and circumstance with the news that ‘God Save The Queen’ will be retired, should Boris Johnson succeed in becoming prime minister.

The famous jazz ditty, made famous by Benny Hill as the closing music in his long running smash TV show, is believed to better encapsulate the international reputation the UK will quickly acquire.

“That’s if we’re lucky,” a Whitehall civil servant, tasked with selecting the new national anthem, told us exclusively, “lucky in this context means that the Johnson premiership is one in which he does sod all actual work and just runs about the country bed hopping with young women silly enough to bed hop with him. Before attempting to escape them so he can hop into the next bed. It could be hilarious.”

But what if we’re unlucky?

“You mean, he actually tries to govern?”

Yes.

“Defcon 5 old boy,” the weary civil servant shrugged, “I’ll be retiring early to the south of France and I recommend you do too. It’ll be the entire budget year on year spaffed on the planning of vanity monuments that will never be built, while everything around you burns.”

But surely if we just believe hard enough in Boris Johnson’s ability to govern it will all work out well?

”In a sense,” the civil servant agreed, “in the sense that he will do so terribly at it he’ll be out of office by year end and take Brexit with him.”

Now that’s a future we can get behind and push.

BORIS WHO? Boris Johnson has released a statement today, exclusively to LCD Views, in which he makes a move to distance himself from himself.

”I um, paaaaaah, like Theseus purchasing a sewing machine, the old wheel of fate doth churn the butter off the fat of the young, blonde filly’s thighs…tasty!” the statement, apparently recorded by Mr Johnson himself begins, “and I say to Dunkirk! Take back your ships! I would already have dessert!”

And that wasn’t the half of it, for the love of God.

”Many ships have sailed the Straits of Eros and I have been the pilot of thighs uncounted. The uncharted pubis reveals, once, waaa, once touched by the bowstrings of cheap delight, flight into the night, before the verocious, judgemental glare of Michaelangelo and his palate from the Gods!”

It really is just a word salad, like anything Mr Johnson says, but he says it with energy and people believe it’s a flattened lamb slaughtered for a feast.

”So I say to you now! Under WTO rules, Gate 24, departures open, I do not know this Boris Johnson whose neighbours call the police in the night! It is Gove! The vengeful spirit. I know him. But Boris Johnson I have never met. Vote for me. Me. ME. And I will retrieve the shining ring from the fires of Mount Doom!”

We doubt that. Our advice to Mr Johnson this morning, after the domestics of the night, is to stop hiding as he’s just f*cking that up too.

Let us see you. Stand in the light. Your every move now will be the focus of the media and should you fall on your own clumsy sword, shared delight.

SILVERBACKS : Relief amongst the red faced and swollen ranks of dominant alpha male Tory MPs this afternoon with the news they are to receive self defence training.

”It’s so they can protect themselves from younger women armed with threatening ideas,” Mr Gore Illa (MP for Recall-on-petitions) told us proudly.

”You don’t get your family to get you into a privileged position in politics only to have some bloody hippy pleb interrupt you at dinner in a posh building,” Mr Gore Illa continued, “when I stand up momentarily on my hind legs to beat my fists against my chest I expect it’s only my call that sounds through the forest.”

The training is expected to be so simple even Mark Francois, or Mark Field, can understand it.

”What to do with a woman holding an opposing view?” the MP explained, “you first ignore them. They’re not important enough. If they persist you glare threateningly and hope a sub member of the pack deals with them to make you happy. If that fails you bellow aggressively. And if that doesn’t work? Physical violence is the only reasonable reaction. You have to overpower them to make them feel afraid so they don’t interrupt you feeling important ever again. Nothing can be allowed to bruise your sense of entitlement. It’s about safety of reputation. Mostly as that of a brute.”

Critics have been quick to point out that there’s an increasingly long list of Tory MPs who don’t need the training. And taxpayer money could be better spent on more expensive lunches.

”Bloody hippies. Bad for the digestion. Who cares if the planet is turning into a boiling puddle of piss, so long as I’m not interrupted at a dinner reception.”

Brexit Industries Latest : World famous digi-sovereignty software manufacturers, Brexit Industries, have released today an update to the terms and conditions accompanying their global smash Brexit app.

“Version 1.0 of our famous Brexit app was an immediate smash in the U.K.,” Brexit Industries’ CEO Mr Putin-Trump-Johnson-Farage-Tice-LexitisstillBrexitto told a packed press conference, via Skype, “we’ve changed the United Kingdom beyond recognition with our message to take back control and give it to us. And now, with the soon to be released Johnsonian version of Brexit, we feel it’s necessary to update the terms and conditions.”

Standard business practise in a rapidly evolving dark money funded, social media landscape.

”The change concerns the likely future of the United Kingdom as users lock onto and load the ‘buccaneering, seafaring trading nation add-on,” he added, with a smirk, before removing his tie live on air and adding further explanation.

”The ‘probable breakup of United Kingdom’ in the terms and conditions has been modified to ‘certain break up of the United Kingdom’.”

The change to the t&c’s is perhaps overdue, as anyone who spent five minutes researching the Brexit app prior to its release in 2016 was already aware of it.

”We’d like to reassure the users of Brexit that this change in no way impacts on the easy, friendly, outward focused, war festishising nature you’ve come to love while using Brexit. And for the 17.4m initial  subscribers, we don’t expect you to read the update t&c’s anyway. If you did you might become a remainernow user and we’d hate that.”

Brexit, there’s an app for that! Comes with free country destroying malware with every download. Delete your version today!

Chuck A. Beveridge, the man who threw milkshake at Nigel Farage, is confused. He has been ordered to do community service, but thought that he had already done that by throwing the milkshake.

Beveridge was hauled up in front of humourless magistrates to do penance.  “It’s a disgrace!” thundered magistrate Waring A. Silliwig. “In this great country, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, one simply does not throw expensive drinks at fringe politicians!”

Beveridge was not to be browbeaten. “It was a spur of the moment act,” he replied. “I was enjoying a tasty, milky drink and minding my own business. Then this procession came towards me, accompanied by the stench of nostalgic exceptionalism, and led by a man I can only describe as Nigel Farage. I saw red, white and blue. I didn’t even think. I just launched the shake. I did it for the greater good!”

“I fail to see how defacing one of our minor celebrities constitutes the greater good,” replied Silliwig, with a trace of sarcasm. “You will do 150 hours of community service!”

“But milkshaking Farage is an act of community service,” Beveridge responded. “The poisonous, slippery little man has had it his own way far too much. Nobody is prepared to stand up to him. I think he’s milking it too much!”

“And you must pay for the clean-up!” continued Silliwig, not to be deflected. “The street will need to be scrubbed, and the non-recycleable cup and straw must be disposed of!”

“What about Nigel’s suit?” asked Beveridge.

“Yeah, I suppose we should get that cleaned up too,” agreed Silliwig. “Mustn’t have him strutting about with it like a badge of honour!”

“So you agree with me,” said Beveridge.

“Yes, but officially I can’t,” said Silliwig. “I’m paid to stick up for the wealthy and privileged. 150 hours of community service. Next!”

Beveridge may have lost his job as a result of the incident, but he has already moved into TV production. Tune in tonight for his new show, Celebrity Shakes!

PM WIFFLE WAFFLE : BORIS JOHNSON’S campaign to be prime minister looks sturdier today than yesterday after his notes for dealing with a No Deal Brexit were leaked to the press overnight.

“Raab is furious,” an insider inside Johnson’s pants told LCD Views, “Boris has copied his workings. So too Sajid. All three have exactly the same plan for managing a No Deal Brexit. Although between you and me I think Raab believes in it more, but then, he’s not that bright.”

The plans, which are composed of blank sheets in a vintage notepad, are more detailed than many expected.

“He’s got as far as opening a notepad. It shows he’s thought about it. I expect he’ll begin writing things down and crossing them out sometime before the end of the summer.”

What Boris will write down, and cross out, is the focus of speculation.

“One, blame the Germans. I reckon he’ll write that down. Then two, blame the French. That’ll go down also. His target constituency in the Tory Party will bray for that.”

And the leaking of the notes is expected to cause some ‘blue on blue’ action as the other leadership contenders hit back over what they’ll claim is IP theft.

“Raab will threaten to sue Boris for plagiarism, live on air, in that TV debate Boris won’t take part in tonight. Then Sajid will threaten to sue Raab, while Rory looks on amused because he doesn’t need a plan, because he’s not threatening to do it.”

Why Boris has used an antique notepad and not a new one isn’t entirely clear, but some have speculated it’s actually his little black book and that’s the only page he hasn’t filled with the names of fruity young fillies yet.

It’s a hard life, and sometimes you know when you are in too deep. Matt Hancock has recognised that Boris is the alpha male in the competition to f*ck the UK. He has retreated to get on with the job in hand.

“I wasn’t getting the satisfaction I wanted,” said Hancock, zipping up. “So I withdrew, went to my office and got on with what I do best.”

Which is?

“I’m Health Secretary, which means I have to look after myself,” he replied, wiping his hands. “Also, and this is completely unconnected, there’s this listeria outbreak to investigate.”

Which listeria outbreak?

“There have been deaths from contaminated hospital food,” replied Hancock, slamming down the lid of his laptop. “Hand on cock, I mean hand on heart, I have no idea how contamination could have entered either the pig’s head sandwiches or the cut-price bargain mayonnaise.”

In order to unravel these mysteries, LCD Views’ Private Passions correspondent spoke to Hancock’s long standing friend, Ivanka Lott.

“Matt’s always been a very private person,” says Ivanka. “He’s always been a solo operator. If you want a job doing, he always says, do it yourself. Mrs Hancock allegedly wants children, but is destined to be disappointed.”

There is no way he would ever be able to compete with Boris, Ivanka remarks. “Boris spaffs money up the wall,” she observes. “Matt spaffs money in private and conceals the evidence. The People like a man who proudly presents his personal peccadillos to the public. Matt is neat and tidy. Boris makes a lot of noise and a lot of mess, and expects someone else to clear up after him. The People just lap it up!”

Hancock entered with confidence, but his campaign soon went limp. We can only surmise how he consoled himself.

Fifteen minutes of fame? Let’s be generous and call it Hancock’s Half Hour.

It’s All Greek To Me Secretary, Jeremy C. Hunt, has made a plea for broadcasters to stop making fun of his name. Consequently, all news outlets globally have instead pinky promised to call him Jeremy Lady-Garden.

“I think it’s most disrespectful,” said Lady-Garden. “C*** is such a horrible word. Lady-Garden is much more pleasant. It evokes feminine grace and beauty, lush vegetation and a sweet aroma.”

It’s so much better than the original Hunt, too. “Yes, who wants loads of men with horns rummaging around where they please?” asked Lady-Garden. “It’s damaging to the vegetation, and a violation of open countryside.”

Jeremy’s embracing of his feminine side is a massive step away from the traditional parliamentary willy-waving. LCD Views’ resident Below The Belt correspondent, Jenny Taylia, offered her psychological insights.

“I think Jeremy has taken his distant second place in the leadership contest to heart,” remarks Taylia. “The knock his confidence must have taken is enormous. Imagine coming second to a muppet like Johnson, and finishing only narrowly ahead of a coked-up slimeball.”

Is this why he has gone all snowflakey about being called a c***?

“Partly,” admitted Taylia. “It’s also a conscious move to soften his image, and to gain female support. It is his attempt to appear deep, warm and accommodating.”

In some respects, then, Lady-Garden is still thinking like a man.

“While we are talking downstairs body parts, one of his rivals told me that Jeremy wasn’t a c***, but an ars*h*le,” Taylia revealed. “They are next door, after all, like China and Japan. It’s an easy mistake for a misguided prick to make.”

So how do you see the change affecting his chances of winning the next ballot?

“It won’t make the slightest difference,” said Taylia. “You can call him Jeremy Lady-Garden by all means, but he’s still a c***.”

It seems that Jeremy has made a boob, and now he looks like a complete tit.

HANDS UP : The gaggle of confirmed lunatics struggling to replace Theresa May as leader of the Tories have been praised today by a nation grateful for moral guidance.

”They’re all pledging to fix a country they broke systemically, and completely avoidably, over nearly a decade,” said Mr Kno One, “that shows a degree of personal insight and maturity they need to fix the country they broke.”

Which one will ultimately hold the cellotape and superglue isn’t clear until late July, although one of the biggest wreckers is clearly favourite.

”Of course Boris can fix it,” said Mrs No One-either, “he’s a complete wrecking ball. His total disregard for integrity, truth, gravity of office and the common good has helped smashed the country to its knees. Of course he knows how to do it. He’ll just have to run himself in reverse.”

But he’s not alone in having the know how required.

“If you want to stop fires you get an arsonist,” shrugged Ms No Nope, “if you’re worried about theft of domestic pets you get a cat burglar. It’s pretty obvious. Who can fix the vicious welfare system? Esther McVey! She’s an expert, especially in the vicious part. What about the dumbing down of public debate? Angela Leadsom! Worried about the privatisation of the NHS? Get in the health secretary with curious donations from curious origins. Don’t like the hostile environment? Sajid is your man, he’ll tell you the story of his childhood and then carry on May’s legacy. They’ve all got the talents.”

LCD Views would like to commend the contenders for the maturity they’re displaying recognising the UK is in a terrible pickle, and seeing as how they’re all holding bottles of vinegar, we fully trust them to fix it.

Anyone calling for a general election in the hope of shaking things up and perhaps removing some of the dullards and sociopaths is not giving them a chance. When it comes to know how on Broken Britain, we’ve already got the best.