Category: Governing the people

Brexit Party MEPs have symbolically rejected the EU and all it stands for. But they are more than happy to pocket its money.

Farage’s mob are so anti EU that they campaign for election to the European parliament. They reject its version of democracy by turning up to work. They are so principled that they refuse to turn down any sort of remuneration.

So why turn up at all if you are just going to act in such a childish fashion?

“I turned my back to salute the French,” said new Brexit Party MEP Dave Fuller-Bull. “I’ve seen that documentary, where King Arthur is prevented from finding the Holy Grail by the French. I was turning to fart in their general direction.”

Yet you still take their money.

“Expenses means expenses!” he said. “It took me literally several days to even work out where Strasbourg is. I need compensation for the EU imposing such a useless education system in us. It’s their fault I skived off geography!”

Fuller-Bull was upset when he finally discovered that Strasbourg was in France.

“France is where you go on holiday!” he declared. “So even if I get there, I’m not doing any work. Instead I’ll play Candy Crush on this nice new iPad they gave me.”

He still expects to be paid in full for the work he isn’t doing. “I am going to milk this gravy train for all it’s worth,” he said. “I’m bringing home the bacon!”

He reiterates his antipathy to all things European. “I was in the subsidised EU bar, having a nice English Peroni, when this Guy came up to talk to me,” he recalled. “He reeked of garlic, probably, and spoke in a foreign accent. I said to him, WE WANT TO LEAVE, SIMPLES, GOT THAT YET? until he shut up and went away. Job done!”

So he doesn’t need to actually show up ever again. But he will happily take the money.

Wait, we’re not going on a summer holiday? MPs have threatened the two men vying to be the last prime minister of the United Kingdom with an immediate vote to revoke Article 50, if Downing Street attempts to cancel MPs’ holidays.

“Even the ERG are in on it,” committed Brexiter, Lord Bumble-on-Snatch, Tory MP for Bumble-on-Snatch, told LCD Views, “If any bloody Brexit patsy prime minister threatens my trip to the Rhône this summer I’ll bring them down, and fast. Leave means leave! Strictly in the paid leave sense you understand.”

And Bumble isn’t alone. Scores of MPs across the lower chamber have awoken from their almighty slumber to voice a similar willingness to act and stop Brexit, if Brexit risks stopping them getting a tan.

“It’s all very well for Jeremy Hunt to talk about ending employment in the UK as we know it, to deliver Brexit by Halloween,” Mrs Tori Tory, MP for 0.3% of the population stated, “and sure, we’ll lose the NHS to Trump, what’s not to like? But I’ve been looking forward to catching up with my old school chums on the Costa del Sol for weeks. Just because I’ve spent the last two years saying Britain will thrive under WTO rules and no food or medicines, doesn’t mean I won’t put my name to a motion to #RevokeArticle50 if Bojo threatens my summer mojo!”

How Jeremy Hunt, or Boris Johnson, will navigate the intransigency of their own MPs, if either one of them manages to become prime minister isn’t yet clear, but we suspect it’s by immediately going back on whatever they said that lead to them to become Prime Minister.

“It’s not like we’re doing any work nowadays anyway,” Bumble added, “not since Brexit took over. I’ll be just as productive with a good vintage on a deckchair in the sun.”

Prime Minister in waiting, Boris Johnson, has endeared himself to the British public by calling the French ‘turds’. Cries of gleeful Francophobia at this latest gaffe must wait, though. I misspoke, claims Boris.

“It just slipped out,” said a contrite Boris the next day. “It’s tough at the top, pressure from all sides. Cannons to the left of me, cannons to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Brexit is ours to do and die, and I will do it even if it kills me!”

And what has all that got to with the French?

“Yes, yes, yes, I was coming to that,” bluffed Boris. “Of course, the natural insult for the French is ‘Frogs’, but that’s so old school. I meant to say ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’. That would look good painted on the side of a bus!”

Even one made from wine boxes?

“It’s my latest project!” burbled Boris. “I am going to paint my entire manifesto on the sides of buses, so I never need turn up to a hustings again!”

We fully expect buses, childishly painted, to replace debate in the coming weeks. Expect slogans like ‘Fuck business!’, ‘We will leave on 31 October unless I chicken out!’, and ‘I don’t negotiate with turds cheese eating surrender monkeys!’ The standard of discourse is predicted to improve greatly.

LCD Views’ Pardon My French correspondent, Didi Saythat, did his best to analyse Johnson’s amorphous waffling.

“He’s taking bollocks as usual,” was Saythat’s considered opinion. “Making it up as he goes along. I expect he did say ‘turds’, and the BBC conspired to cover it up, probably with lots of toilet paper. It’s a tissue of lies!”

Incredibly, the Daily Mail, of all papers, detected the skidmark and brought it to public notice. We can only assume that the Mail supports Jeremy C. Hunt as Tory leader.

And what about the French? Boris again: “Let them eat cheese.”

Latest polls about the Tory leadership reveal the startling truth that an empty chair is now the most popular candidate. The most literally vacant option for the vacancy is polling at 52%, ahead of pretty boy Boris and pretty vacant Hunt.

It’s a case of a Brexit slant on an old tale. If the polls are correct, then the next Prime Minister will be the Emperor’s New Candidate.

“It’s a no-brainer,” opined Tory stalwart Rich Old-White. “Boris is a spoilt sixteen year old pretending to be a middle-aged man. Hunt is just unspeakably dire. An empty chair is a safe pair of hands.”

But it’s a complete absence. A void. The Tory leadership has gone AWOL.

“Fine by me,” says Old-White. “I would sooner listen to the sound of silence than May’s deranged squawk, Johnson’s charming drivel or Hunt’s arrogant idiocy.”

But how could an empty chair represent Britain on the international stage?

“By sheer force of personality,” replied Old-White. “Absence has real presence! Sending an empty chair to Brussels sends a clear message that the UK wants out, and wants out now. Not only will we stop at nothing, we will settle for nothing less than we have now, and show the world that no leader is better than a bad leader! Nothing is better than our current deal, so we want nothing! Nothing could be clearer!”

It seems as clear as mud to the rest of us.

“Nonsense, you just have to believe more,” responded Old-White. “A leadership contest? Endless power struggles? Johnson? Hunt? Nothing is better for Britain!”

Empty head, empty vessel, or empty chair? That is the choice that Old-White and his fellow Tories must make. Both physical candidates are current or former Foreign Secretaries. From FO sweet FA.

Clearly, for loyal Tories, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

PUSH ME PULL YOU : “Honestly, it’s clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” Theresa May is expected to tell the Queen, when she goes to see her in late July, at the conclusion of the Tory leadership contest.

“Whoever wins, it’s plain as day they’re a dangerous idiot,” Ms May is said to have briefed her aides in 10 Downing Street this morning, “and I’m a dangerous idiot. But better the dangerous idiot you know. You should all prepare to stay on as my prime ministerial aides through the summer and into the autumn. There’s not a snowflake’s chance in hell that I’ll tell the Queen to ask either Boris Johnson or Jeremy Hunt to form a government.”

The move by Theresa May to cling onto power is not a surprising one, after Jeremy Hunt informed the nation’s workers he’d quite happily jam their jobs into a shredder if it gets him elected Tory leader. And Boris Johnson revealed he is essentially high all the time on glue.

It’s believed that Ms May won’t wait until late July either to land the bombshell, she’ll foreshadow it this week.

During her regular meeting with the Queen she is expected to say quietly, “Just between you and me, you know you can’t have any confidence in the Tory leadership contest winner. Whoever it is.”

What constitutional law experts will make of it is anyone’s guess, although technicality May maybe on solid ground, until it turns to quicksand, as it always does.

It’s guaranteed to make the Brexit headbangers have brain explosions. May has done her job as their patsy, but she’s revealed she’s not quite insane enough to finish the project, so they’re looking for someone who is.

It seems the Tory party plan to stitch up parliament by concluding their leadership contest on the day parliament breaks up for six weeks, thus putting off a vote of confidence, May leave them screaming blue murder through the summer when Theresa May smiles maniacally and tells them,  “Contest winner means contest winner, but for the next six weeks prime minister still means me.”

CARRIE, COME BACK BABE, I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN : The nearest 24 hour petrol station to 10 Downing Street is reportedly stocking up on emergency bouquets of flowers, as the tantalising prospect of a Boris Johnson government draws close.

“His private life is already a soap opera,” a source at TV Central told LCD Views, “the ratings are huge. It consumes the media and public attention day after day. News cycle reliant satire pages have no choice but to write about it, because that’s the only news! Just wait until Boris and Carrie settle into Downing Street. Day one they’ll probably start arguing over whether to hang a portrait of Boris as Jupiter in the lobby, or one of Carrie as Venus!”

Such pinch points are certain to cause drama to flare. It’s a good thing the door to Downing Street is so thick, and the windows quadruple glazed, or all the neighbours won’t be able to help hearing them.

And plans are already afoot to film the daily travails of Britain’s next first man and his current girlfriend.

“We think a fly on the wall style show would be the best format,” our source says, “Boris just wants to dominate the headlines, he doesn’t seem to actively give a flying what’s it about anything else, so we expect he’ll be well up for it. As to what Carrie thinks? Who cares! He certainly doesn’t, judging by how loudly she has to insist he removes his tub of lard off her. But maybe she’ll be touched if people take the spin on Coronation Street, Boronation Street, and nickname the ratings hit ‘Carrie’, instead of Corrie!”

And like a good modern soap opera it is almost certain to focus on hot social topics. Things like adultery, love children, more adultery, public v private life in the age of social media, racism and how to promote it (go Boris!), and even possibly, domestic violence?

But Boronation Street is just one of the potential titles for the show. There are many in the mix.

“It’s not nailed down yet, just like Boris’s bid to be PM,” our source added, “we’re also considering calling the show about a bed hopping PM, and the domestics his expected rampant infidelities will cause, CountryEnders, Shaggerdale, Bollocksoaks, Lieside, Shaggers City, Affairs (we’ve shortened Family Affairs, because family doesn’t seem overly necessary) or Willyside. It’s hard to get away from sex as a central theme. But that’s just Boris being Boris!”

And as a final tidbit, in advance of filming, every British soap opera has to have a pub, and the pub in Boronation Street is no exception.

“The Shaggers Return of course,” our source smirks, “which is a little ironic, because if the shagger is Boris, he’s not likely to.”

Boris Johnson, not the sharpest tool in the box, is suspected to have had a bust-up with his partner. Unconfined rumours suggest that Boris was heard to mutter, well she could have been hiding a weapon.

It has taken Boris some time to make his Mark in this Field. He was always a lover, not a fighter.

Baseless allegations have been flying back and forth. Some say Carrie Symonds’ sister emerged from Boris’ back door with a black eye. Others allege that a pig’s head was smuggled out under the cover of darkness. One possible explanation is that Boris’ bed broke after a bigly bonk.

Nobody knows whether Symonds was removed bodily from the scene by the neck. Feminism must have taken massive steps now that Tory MPs feel threatened by women. It’s never been the same since Thatcher.

“I did not have an altercation with that woman!” burbled Boris, the morning after. “There’s no truth in the rumours. It was self-defence, pure and simple. She started talking about the environment, and, well, it was instinctive. Everyone knows environmentalists are armed to the teeth!”

She would hardly come into the bedroom, scantily dressed, to kill.

“Dressed to kill? No, no, no, no, no, yes,” agreed Boris. “Who knows what she could have concealed in that basque! And stilettos are lethal, and I should know!”

You would never have done that to a man.

“A man in my bedroom?” mused Boris. “There’s only one weapon a man needs in the bedroom, and it’s not lethal! It takes me right back to the dorms at Eton, we had some fun back then, I can tell you. Good times!”

None of this dispels the suspicion that Johnson and his chums regard women as second-class citizens. Nor that this makes them first-class weapons grade cavemen. Even if they didn’t vote Remain.

YAKETY BALL SAX : FANTASTIC news today on a badly needed update to Global Britain’s pomp and circumstance with the news that ‘God Save The Queen’ will be retired, should Boris Johnson succeed in becoming prime minister.

The famous jazz ditty, made famous by Benny Hill as the closing music in his long running smash TV show, is believed to better encapsulate the international reputation the UK will quickly acquire.

“That’s if we’re lucky,” a Whitehall civil servant, tasked with selecting the new national anthem, told us exclusively, “lucky in this context means that the Johnson premiership is one in which he does sod all actual work and just runs about the country bed hopping with young women silly enough to bed hop with him. Before attempting to escape them so he can hop into the next bed. It could be hilarious.”

But what if we’re unlucky?

“You mean, he actually tries to govern?”

Yes.

“Defcon 5 old boy,” the weary civil servant shrugged, “I’ll be retiring early to the south of France and I recommend you do too. It’ll be the entire budget year on year spaffed on the planning of vanity monuments that will never be built, while everything around you burns.”

But surely if we just believe hard enough in Boris Johnson’s ability to govern it will all work out well?

”In a sense,” the civil servant agreed, “in the sense that he will do so terribly at it he’ll be out of office by year end and take Brexit with him.”

Now that’s a future we can get behind and push.

BORIS WHO? Boris Johnson has released a statement today, exclusively to LCD Views, in which he makes a move to distance himself from himself.

”I um, paaaaaah, like Theseus purchasing a sewing machine, the old wheel of fate doth churn the butter off the fat of the young, blonde filly’s thighs…tasty!” the statement, apparently recorded by Mr Johnson himself begins, “and I say to Dunkirk! Take back your ships! I would already have dessert!”

And that wasn’t the half of it, for the love of God.

”Many ships have sailed the Straits of Eros and I have been the pilot of thighs uncounted. The uncharted pubis reveals, once, waaa, once touched by the bowstrings of cheap delight, flight into the night, before the verocious, judgemental glare of Michaelangelo and his palate from the Gods!”

It really is just a word salad, like anything Mr Johnson says, but he says it with energy and people believe it’s a flattened lamb slaughtered for a feast.

”So I say to you now! Under WTO rules, Gate 24, departures open, I do not know this Boris Johnson whose neighbours call the police in the night! It is Gove! The vengeful spirit. I know him. But Boris Johnson I have never met. Vote for me. Me. ME. And I will retrieve the shining ring from the fires of Mount Doom!”

We doubt that. Our advice to Mr Johnson this morning, after the domestics of the night, is to stop hiding as he’s just f*cking that up too.

Let us see you. Stand in the light. Your every move now will be the focus of the media and should you fall on your own clumsy sword, shared delight.

SILVERBACKS : Relief amongst the red faced and swollen ranks of dominant alpha male Tory MPs this afternoon with the news they are to receive self defence training.

”It’s so they can protect themselves from younger women armed with threatening ideas,” Mr Gore Illa (MP for Recall-on-petitions) told us proudly.

”You don’t get your family to get you into a privileged position in politics only to have some bloody hippy pleb interrupt you at dinner in a posh building,” Mr Gore Illa continued, “when I stand up momentarily on my hind legs to beat my fists against my chest I expect it’s only my call that sounds through the forest.”

The training is expected to be so simple even Mark Francois, or Mark Field, can understand it.

”What to do with a woman holding an opposing view?” the MP explained, “you first ignore them. They’re not important enough. If they persist you glare threateningly and hope a sub member of the pack deals with them to make you happy. If that fails you bellow aggressively. And if that doesn’t work? Physical violence is the only reasonable reaction. You have to overpower them to make them feel afraid so they don’t interrupt you feeling important ever again. Nothing can be allowed to bruise your sense of entitlement. It’s about safety of reputation. Mostly as that of a brute.”

Critics have been quick to point out that there’s an increasingly long list of Tory MPs who don’t need the training. And taxpayer money could be better spent on more expensive lunches.

”Bloody hippies. Bad for the digestion. Who cares if the planet is turning into a boiling puddle of piss, so long as I’m not interrupted at a dinner reception.”