Category: Governing the people

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : Eye steaming pleasing news today from Whitehall that the UK’s Civil Service is to be replaced by a recording of applause at the word “Brexit”.

”We’ve had it specially recorded by a lackey of Trump’s across the pond,” ERG member and total useful idiot, Jacile Reeks-pond, MP for Carpet-on-bag, told LCD Views.

The recording, which is available on cassette tape and beeswax, will be duplicated and placed in all rooms previously occupied by those traitors that didn’t believe in Brexit enough.

”It will help make a success of Brexit,” the useless idiot MP declared, “because it really believes. Nothing is worth saving if we get to fully apply our ideas to the society. Starve the idiots who didn’t choose a good accident of birth. Deregulate the entire show. Get rid of tax. That’s the recipe for success in the new reich.”

But while the revolution in how the civil service serves will clearly save the exchequer billions and squillions, there have been critics.

”Why just one man clapping?” a thought criminal asked, “why not a mass crowd dressed in a variety of cross like symbols chanting and clapping together? This is a missed opportunity.”

That said, and ignored, it will make diplomatic cables about foreign powers much easier.

”Just applause. Good, old fashioned sycophantic, reality denying applause.”

The recording will also be available to download on all smart phones, laptops and desktops as a vinyl print, because it’s Brexit.

”If you listen really closely to the recording you can actually hear Donald Trump tweeting orders to Britain’s next prime minister in the background. Because that’s how we run our country now.”

Into the ground. For the benefit of overseas interests. Global Britain. Believe in it. Or you’ll be replaced by a recording of a man clapping, which may make paying your mortgage more difficult.

ALT COMPETENCY : The giant, career ending scandal of the enormous fraud perpetrated on the Universal Credit system has sunk without trace. Just bubbles on the surface of the sea. Thanks to Donald Trump and his affirmation of the U.K. ambassador’s assessment of him, via is multi-day Twitter tantrum.

”It’s a God send,” an imaginary source inside the DWP told LCD, “imagine if the media had the capacity to focus on more than one story at a time? We’d really be for it.”

And for it someone should be. Millions ripped out of the welfare system over months in the most blatant fashion. Brexit Britain at its finest incompetency. Grayling governance par excellence.

”Can you imagine the flames that would once have engulfed the government? Not just the ministry, but the executive too over a story of such eye wateringly poor governance? Don’t worry about looking for a lifeboat, they’re on fire too! Just jump straight into the sea!”

But no. We nerds must be absorbed by Trump.

And we must. If the ruler of our most powerful ally is upset with us, like a scared child stood before an enraged and unpredictable father, we have to focus on what he’ll do next and forget all else that’s going wrong.

”It’ll be great when it’s the Boris Trump double act,” the source continued, “day after day after day, just one giant distraction as the sink hole expands unmatched and we slide into the sea. Think of all the beautiful frauds that people will get away with? And barely a whisper in the news.”

Brexit Britain. Modern Conservative government. SNAFU. This is what we’ve allowed this country to be.

But maybe it’s not a massive story all week, as it should be, because we’ve come to expect gross incompetency in our government? It’s now the norm. SNAFU.

Perhaps it’s time we did that favourite thing of Brexiters. Imagined turning back the clock. But the land we imagine, let’s not make it one where universal incompetency is the currency of governance.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48887753

UKSNAFU : Reassuring news from government today that a much needed technological solution is being sought for the entire U.K. government.

“It’s because if the Universal Credit fraud f*ck up,” a sober looking Chris Grayling told LCD Views tonight in an exclusive, “to be honest I welcome it. Being the omniscient spirit of governance is actually pretty tiring. I don’t know how deities do it. Imagine if I ran the universe? I’d be knackered. Although on the plus side, there wouldn’t be a universe.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-48887753

The technological solution to takeover from the current set up isn’t yet invented, or is it?

”We actually think an Atari games console from the 1980’s has sufficient power to do a better job than us,” Grayling shrugged, “I mean, come on, have you seen the list of things we’ve f*cked up? It’s kinda long. The Universal Credit fraud f*ck up is just the latest in a long line of disasters.”

It’s hoped the technological solution will be identified and put in place in time for a No Deal Brexit later this year.

”Can you imagine this mob attempting to keep you fed and medicated after tearing up the entirety of our global trading relationship? Wow. The mind boggles.”

But it’s not all bad news, regarding the astronomical Universal Credit fraud f*ck up.

”You were wondering where we got all the money for the No Deal Brexit fund? Or how Farage was funding his Brexit Party? Well, I can’t say on the record, and this is probably all made up, but some of the names of benefit claimants in the fraud look more than a little made up…”

Global Britain. We do things differently now. We do them badly. Very badly. SNAFU.

SPY V WORK SHY : Downing Street has been forced into an edifying admission today concerning (what it perceived at the time) to be former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson’s fitness for the role.

“We didn’t conceal sensitive intelligence briefings from Mister Boris, while he was in post at the FCO,” an aide to Theresa May said, “we simply placed the briefings on his desk with other boring, detailed information that required deliberation, effort and digestion.”

But sources close to Mr Johnson have hit back, labelling the confession disingenuous.

“They did put them on Boris Johnson’s desk, but they hid them in a file named ‘Work’. They knew full well there was bugger all chance of him reading them. It was clearly a carefully planned strategy to stop him blurting out half absorbed facts as inaccuracies, thus potentially endangering British subjects abroad. I guess Nazanin Zaghari-Radcliffe is a good case in point.”

Other methods used to prevent Mr Johnson seeing classified information appear to have been employed, alongside hiding the briefings on his desk, in plain sight.

“They also employed a series of blonde ladies in their twenties, positioned strategically about the corridors of the FCO. Some days he was so busy pursuing them along the marbled halls he never actually made it to his office.”

And if all else failed there was a further go to tactic.

“But if he somehow managed to bulldoze his way into the office they would have a secretary race in ahead of him and stick a post-it note on the work file.”

And what would it say.

“Your wife called. She says she saw the text messages and she insists you phone her back immediately to talk,” the source said, “you could guarantee that would see him about face and march right back out into the street.”

Brexit Party MEPs have symbolically rejected the EU and all it stands for. But they are more than happy to pocket its money.

Farage’s mob are so anti EU that they campaign for election to the European parliament. They reject its version of democracy by turning up to work. They are so principled that they refuse to turn down any sort of remuneration.

So why turn up at all if you are just going to act in such a childish fashion?

“I turned my back to salute the French,” said new Brexit Party MEP Dave Fuller-Bull. “I’ve seen that documentary, where King Arthur is prevented from finding the Holy Grail by the French. I was turning to fart in their general direction.”

Yet you still take their money.

“Expenses means expenses!” he said. “It took me literally several days to even work out where Strasbourg is. I need compensation for the EU imposing such a useless education system in us. It’s their fault I skived off geography!”

Fuller-Bull was upset when he finally discovered that Strasbourg was in France.

“France is where you go on holiday!” he declared. “So even if I get there, I’m not doing any work. Instead I’ll play Candy Crush on this nice new iPad they gave me.”

He still expects to be paid in full for the work he isn’t doing. “I am going to milk this gravy train for all it’s worth,” he said. “I’m bringing home the bacon!”

He reiterates his antipathy to all things European. “I was in the subsidised EU bar, having a nice English Peroni, when this Guy came up to talk to me,” he recalled. “He reeked of garlic, probably, and spoke in a foreign accent. I said to him, WE WANT TO LEAVE, SIMPLES, GOT THAT YET? until he shut up and went away. Job done!”

So he doesn’t need to actually show up ever again. But he will happily take the money.

Wait, we’re not going on a summer holiday? MPs have threatened the two men vying to be the last prime minister of the United Kingdom with an immediate vote to revoke Article 50, if Downing Street attempts to cancel MPs’ holidays.

“Even the ERG are in on it,” committed Brexiter, Lord Bumble-on-Snatch, Tory MP for Bumble-on-Snatch, told LCD Views, “If any bloody Brexit patsy prime minister threatens my trip to the Rhône this summer I’ll bring them down, and fast. Leave means leave! Strictly in the paid leave sense you understand.”

And Bumble isn’t alone. Scores of MPs across the lower chamber have awoken from their almighty slumber to voice a similar willingness to act and stop Brexit, if Brexit risks stopping them getting a tan.

“It’s all very well for Jeremy Hunt to talk about ending employment in the UK as we know it, to deliver Brexit by Halloween,” Mrs Tori Tory, MP for 0.3% of the population stated, “and sure, we’ll lose the NHS to Trump, what’s not to like? But I’ve been looking forward to catching up with my old school chums on the Costa del Sol for weeks. Just because I’ve spent the last two years saying Britain will thrive under WTO rules and no food or medicines, doesn’t mean I won’t put my name to a motion to #RevokeArticle50 if Bojo threatens my summer mojo!”

How Jeremy Hunt, or Boris Johnson, will navigate the intransigency of their own MPs, if either one of them manages to become prime minister isn’t yet clear, but we suspect it’s by immediately going back on whatever they said that lead to them to become Prime Minister.

“It’s not like we’re doing any work nowadays anyway,” Bumble added, “not since Brexit took over. I’ll be just as productive with a good vintage on a deckchair in the sun.”

Prime Minister in waiting, Boris Johnson, has endeared himself to the British public by calling the French ‘turds’. Cries of gleeful Francophobia at this latest gaffe must wait, though. I misspoke, claims Boris.

“It just slipped out,” said a contrite Boris the next day. “It’s tough at the top, pressure from all sides. Cannons to the left of me, cannons to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Brexit is ours to do and die, and I will do it even if it kills me!”

And what has all that got to with the French?

“Yes, yes, yes, I was coming to that,” bluffed Boris. “Of course, the natural insult for the French is ‘Frogs’, but that’s so old school. I meant to say ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’. That would look good painted on the side of a bus!”

Even one made from wine boxes?

“It’s my latest project!” burbled Boris. “I am going to paint my entire manifesto on the sides of buses, so I never need turn up to a hustings again!”

We fully expect buses, childishly painted, to replace debate in the coming weeks. Expect slogans like ‘Fuck business!’, ‘We will leave on 31 October unless I chicken out!’, and ‘I don’t negotiate with turds cheese eating surrender monkeys!’ The standard of discourse is predicted to improve greatly.

LCD Views’ Pardon My French correspondent, Didi Saythat, did his best to analyse Johnson’s amorphous waffling.

“He’s taking bollocks as usual,” was Saythat’s considered opinion. “Making it up as he goes along. I expect he did say ‘turds’, and the BBC conspired to cover it up, probably with lots of toilet paper. It’s a tissue of lies!”

Incredibly, the Daily Mail, of all papers, detected the skidmark and brought it to public notice. We can only assume that the Mail supports Jeremy C. Hunt as Tory leader.

And what about the French? Boris again: “Let them eat cheese.”

Latest polls about the Tory leadership reveal the startling truth that an empty chair is now the most popular candidate. The most literally vacant option for the vacancy is polling at 52%, ahead of pretty boy Boris and pretty vacant Hunt.

It’s a case of a Brexit slant on an old tale. If the polls are correct, then the next Prime Minister will be the Emperor’s New Candidate.

“It’s a no-brainer,” opined Tory stalwart Rich Old-White. “Boris is a spoilt sixteen year old pretending to be a middle-aged man. Hunt is just unspeakably dire. An empty chair is a safe pair of hands.”

But it’s a complete absence. A void. The Tory leadership has gone AWOL.

“Fine by me,” says Old-White. “I would sooner listen to the sound of silence than May’s deranged squawk, Johnson’s charming drivel or Hunt’s arrogant idiocy.”

But how could an empty chair represent Britain on the international stage?

“By sheer force of personality,” replied Old-White. “Absence has real presence! Sending an empty chair to Brussels sends a clear message that the UK wants out, and wants out now. Not only will we stop at nothing, we will settle for nothing less than we have now, and show the world that no leader is better than a bad leader! Nothing is better than our current deal, so we want nothing! Nothing could be clearer!”

It seems as clear as mud to the rest of us.

“Nonsense, you just have to believe more,” responded Old-White. “A leadership contest? Endless power struggles? Johnson? Hunt? Nothing is better for Britain!”

Empty head, empty vessel, or empty chair? That is the choice that Old-White and his fellow Tories must make. Both physical candidates are current or former Foreign Secretaries. From FO sweet FA.

Clearly, for loyal Tories, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

PUSH ME PULL YOU : “Honestly, it’s clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” Theresa May is expected to tell the Queen, when she goes to see her in late July, at the conclusion of the Tory leadership contest.

“Whoever wins, it’s plain as day they’re a dangerous idiot,” Ms May is said to have briefed her aides in 10 Downing Street this morning, “and I’m a dangerous idiot. But better the dangerous idiot you know. You should all prepare to stay on as my prime ministerial aides through the summer and into the autumn. There’s not a snowflake’s chance in hell that I’ll tell the Queen to ask either Boris Johnson or Jeremy Hunt to form a government.”

The move by Theresa May to cling onto power is not a surprising one, after Jeremy Hunt informed the nation’s workers he’d quite happily jam their jobs into a shredder if it gets him elected Tory leader. And Boris Johnson revealed he is essentially high all the time on glue.

It’s believed that Ms May won’t wait until late July either to land the bombshell, she’ll foreshadow it this week.

During her regular meeting with the Queen she is expected to say quietly, “Just between you and me, you know you can’t have any confidence in the Tory leadership contest winner. Whoever it is.”

What constitutional law experts will make of it is anyone’s guess, although technicality May maybe on solid ground, until it turns to quicksand, as it always does.

It’s guaranteed to make the Brexit headbangers have brain explosions. May has done her job as their patsy, but she’s revealed she’s not quite insane enough to finish the project, so they’re looking for someone who is.

It seems the Tory party plan to stitch up parliament by concluding their leadership contest on the day parliament breaks up for six weeks, thus putting off a vote of confidence, May leave them screaming blue murder through the summer when Theresa May smiles maniacally and tells them,  “Contest winner means contest winner, but for the next six weeks prime minister still means me.”

CARRIE, COME BACK BABE, I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN : The nearest 24 hour petrol station to 10 Downing Street is reportedly stocking up on emergency bouquets of flowers, as the tantalising prospect of a Boris Johnson government draws close.

“His private life is already a soap opera,” a source at TV Central told LCD Views, “the ratings are huge. It consumes the media and public attention day after day. News cycle reliant satire pages have no choice but to write about it, because that’s the only news! Just wait until Boris and Carrie settle into Downing Street. Day one they’ll probably start arguing over whether to hang a portrait of Boris as Jupiter in the lobby, or one of Carrie as Venus!”

Such pinch points are certain to cause drama to flare. It’s a good thing the door to Downing Street is so thick, and the windows quadruple glazed, or all the neighbours won’t be able to help hearing them.

And plans are already afoot to film the daily travails of Britain’s next first man and his current girlfriend.

“We think a fly on the wall style show would be the best format,” our source says, “Boris just wants to dominate the headlines, he doesn’t seem to actively give a flying what’s it about anything else, so we expect he’ll be well up for it. As to what Carrie thinks? Who cares! He certainly doesn’t, judging by how loudly she has to insist he removes his tub of lard off her. But maybe she’ll be touched if people take the spin on Coronation Street, Boronation Street, and nickname the ratings hit ‘Carrie’, instead of Corrie!”

And like a good modern soap opera it is almost certain to focus on hot social topics. Things like adultery, love children, more adultery, public v private life in the age of social media, racism and how to promote it (go Boris!), and even possibly, domestic violence?

But Boronation Street is just one of the potential titles for the show. There are many in the mix.

“It’s not nailed down yet, just like Boris’s bid to be PM,” our source added, “we’re also considering calling the show about a bed hopping PM, and the domestics his expected rampant infidelities will cause, CountryEnders, Shaggerdale, Bollocksoaks, Lieside, Shaggers City, Affairs (we’ve shortened Family Affairs, because family doesn’t seem overly necessary) or Willyside. It’s hard to get away from sex as a central theme. But that’s just Boris being Boris!”

And as a final tidbit, in advance of filming, every British soap opera has to have a pub, and the pub in Boronation Street is no exception.

“The Shaggers Return of course,” our source smirks, “which is a little ironic, because if the shagger is Boris, he’s not likely to.”