Category: Governing the people

PRITI LIKELY : Home Secretary Priti Patel hasn’t been seen much about the Home Office since the general election. The dull, concrete halls of the megalithic building have been without the sparkle and wit of one of the UK’s most famous reformed advocates of capital punishment. LCD Views have investigated (in our imaginations) and found out why.

“She’s started turning off the heat in the homes of people who’ve criticised her on social media,” our source in the Home reveals, “she’s been keeping a list. It’s a long one. But she’s working through it with diligence.”

The list itself is believed to have been modelled with a seasonal flair.

“It’s just like the one the all powerful gift overlord, Santafuhrer, keeps. It has a column ‘Naughty’ and a column ‘Good’. Except she’s titled the columns ‘SAURON SEES YOU AND YOU WILL BURN FOR YOUR BETRAYAL’ and ‘Those who are just following orders’. She’s had to rotate the A4 sheets lengthways just to fit in the header.”

But questions have been raised over on what authority the Home Secretary is using to justify her actions?

“Haven’t you seen the government’s majority? They can do what they like with us now. The British people have been patiently waiting for common sense to return to its politics, and governance in general, for the last few years. Which was nice of them. Now strong and stable government is back. She’s using the authority granted under a new law they haven’t passed yet.”

But it hasn’t been passed?

“So? Since when have Boris Johnson and his chums showed any inclination to stick to piddling norms like that? It’ll be passed in the fullness of time. This is what the voters get when they keep re-electing political parties to power who have demonstrated a complete absence of moral compass. Ms Patel was fired as a minister for running a secret foreign affairs policy. But allowed to remain an MP! Politicians will abide by the standards the public allows them to sink to.”

Oh, well that makes it alright. Will she turn your heat back on if you say something nice about her on Twitter?

“I can’t tell you that. The only accounts to do so have been bots.”

Rug up Global Britons. The new regime is a cold one.

WHAT’S THE TIME MR WOLF : TAKE THAT BONEY! Great news today that the latest Boris Johnson government is to move swiftly to ensure Britain stays English.

For too long continental influences have been allowed to erode the certainty of patriotic British men, women and bull terriers over who is right about everything, and of course who is wrong.

Time to set things right.

To this end today’s Queen’s Speech will include a raft of measures to chase away the debilitating corrosion in our psychological infrastructure.

In many ways it’s snuck in unseen from across the channel as Brits accidentally made links with suspicious foreign subversives, while attempting to help out by shouting loudly enough to be understood. This has mostly occurred while buying bread that is the wrong shape.

“First up is time,” Mr F Magnet, Home Office, told LCD Views, “we all know that an Englishman invented time in Greenwich, some time ago, but then all these pale imitators across the Channel claimed to know what it was. Brass neck of them. They took proper clocks and put their own, incorrect, time on them. Then people started bringing those clocks back as souvenirs. That’s how they do it you see? Lull you into a false sense of security. Well it stops now!”

And it’s not just time that is being served.

“Have I mentioned bread? Painful subject. So many incorrect shapes for sale on the high streets these days. And presumably online. Well, no more! All bread will now be either breast, or bap shaped, or square. That way you can make sandwiches correctly.”

This is a great start. It can only help make a success of Brexit if correct culture is imposed by way of legislation.

“And don’t forget that greatest of English inventions. The chip! Anyone caught dipping a chip into mayonnaise will now be stoned.”

You what?

“Britain first! That’s the way we’ll run this government.”

How very Brexit.

TIN AND POT : Newly elected President Boris Johnson has announced to the country that as part of ongoing government preparations for turning the UK into a banana republic, he is going to wear military uniform to parliament.

”He hasn’t decided on what rank to give himself,” Mr Cavalier, fruit shape policy aide at 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once he settles on what kind of general he is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But he has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. He’s really just following the instructions of the people. This the people’s government, even if 53% of people who voted didn’t vote for it.”

I guess he’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. He’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. He’s won the war on immigrants, with his senior aide Priti Patel. He triumphed over the poor, with the help of a bus driver’s son. He’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General Johnson’s father’s wisdom.”

The people had a vote, once, they don’t need another. Long live the republic!

FIVE TEN FIFTY SAY IT AGAIN : EARLY ANALYSIS of the Boris Johnson victory in the general election suggests that once again a three word slogan, pretending to be a policy, did a lot of heavy lifting.

“Get Brexit Done?” our in house pollster asks, “I didn’t vote for it as it’s nonsense. But enough did. It is a neat trick. Champion a monumental, multi-year project to reshape the country as something as easy as changing your socks,

“Get that over the line,

“Claim the democratic mandate by ignoring the crime involved,

“Then, when it turns out to be a monumental, multi-year project that is almost impossible to implement, and when a big tranche of voters are getting bored of talking about it, just tell them you’ll get it done. Very helpful if your major opposition is championing a policy of dragging it out for much longer. Essentially pull the same con on just enough voters that you did the first time. Simplicity itself.”

And while anyone paying attention to the details of Brexit scoffed indignantly at the slogan, just enough people who can’t be bothered with the details of what they’re voting for, thought, yep, I’ll have some of that. Just get it done.

“May you live in interesting times? That old chestnut. Well, we do, whether we like it or not. But if you voted for Brexit because you’re bored of Brexit, you might want to take a moment to consider you’ve just voted to be bored to death, for years.”

ARE WE STILL DOING THIS : The Conservatives have thrown another lure in the electoral waters this weekend by making another promise they intend to keep.

“I can promise you we are going to keep lying,” Mr Soul Less, MP for Confusion, told LCD Views, “in fact if we win the GE this week, we’ll have so many promises to keep, that we have no interest in keeping, that we’re going to have to get properly industrial with the lying. Just to meet demand.”

It’s believed the industrialisation of political deception will be a boon for the economy, and will easily replace the automotive sector in share of national output.

“We’ll export the lies too. We’ll bloody have to, there’s going to be so many of them stacked up across the country.”

And good British children are expected to share in the bounty.

“No British child will be more than 15mins away from a Boris Johnson lie,” Mr Less continued, “once we get our majority and pass the executive power grab on page 48, then we’ll ban protest and any message contrary to the Downing Street ‘sources’. But this won’t lead to a loss of income for the country’s billboard owners. We will plaster them all with lies. This way patriotic British children skipping to school, or for a day in the workhouse, they’ll see them all.”

To show the intent behind the child focused policy Mr Less unveiled another policy.

“You may have heard Ms Morgan waffling on about football pitches this weekend? As if that’s what we need to spend hundreds of millions on? Well, we do, having forced state schools to sell off all their playing fields to buy basic educational supplies. But to make the football pitch policy come true we will convert every food bank into a football pitch. And then we’ll force the little blighters to play for food.”

Global Britain. Unleashing its potential in a way those who voted for Brexit back in 2016 never imagined.

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12th OF DECEMBER : Get Brexit Done is the slogan outgoing Prime Minister Boris “f*ck democracy” Johnson’s aides repeat ad nauseously on his social media accounts. He’s told us himself that he doesn’t really do the Twittersphere, but someone does in his name then?

It’s an interesting pitch. The one aim over half of the country does not want achieved. That is his electoral pitch.

No longer is the aim to govern for all, but to govern for only those that support your agenda and the rest can go whistle.

It’s been this way since May’s “citizens of nowhere” speech heralded the new age in British democracy. The age in which political leaders of the right, and the left, decided proven electoral lawbreaking didn’t undermine democracy.

And now the very nature of our governance is up for grabs.

Many say, with no little justification, that FPTP has had its day. If they eventually prevail in changing the system, with no help from the old duopoly who quite like it, FPTP will he replaced by something more representative.

And representative democracy is the way we’ve usually done it. And if we allowed the question to be direct, it was heavily safeguarded.

Not so with Brexit. An advisory referendum, corrupted by the unscrupulous, has been transformed magically into a mandate from the heavens, regardless of the crime and snake oil and risk.

And once more direct democracy’s advisory Brexit goes to the representative ballot box. December 12th.

A representative parliament. The people choose who represents them. It’s been a good system. So many are too overworked to decide on matters of daily governance. Or too ill. Or too young. Or too dumb, that too. Those who refuse to inform themselves and allow the spin doctors and media to hold sway. So we guard against all by employing people to make it their job to protect us and progress the country.

But the system is at breaking point. The thick are in the ascendancy within and without the hallowed halls.

December 12th, the make or break of representative democracy? Either way it will be a day to remember.

Priti “SuperSmirk” Patel has blamed Labour for the London Bridge terrorist attack. Essentially her argument is that Labour passed a law in 2008 and her government has spent the last 9 years failing to amend it.

The emperor is proudly wearing his brand-new outfit, and pointing out that Jeremy Corbyn has an incriminating stain on his y-fronts.

It’s the Tory modus operandi this season. No policies (beyond Get It Over And Done With For Goodness Sake). No attempt to justify their comedy manifesto. Just slag off Labour and hope that nobody notices.

But terrorist legislation is part of Patel’s remit as Home Secretary. Does she seriously want us to believe that Labour left such a mountain of problems that she and her predecessors are still sorting through it, nine years later? What on earth can they have been thinking of? Theresa May had plenty of time to create a hostile environment and demonise British citizens of Caribbean descent, but clearly no time to update policy on detaining terrorists.

It’s not even Patel’s first attempt to demonstrate her own incompetence. The government is not to blame for poverty, she said, it’s local authorities. Nine years of austerity, including massive and repeated spending cuts for local authorities, have obviously had no effect on poverty. Neither has the introduction of the completely useless and totally mismanaged Universal Credit.

“You are taking my words out of context,” said Patel, smirking broadly, when we tracked her down on an unofficial mission to Israel, rumour has it, to bring home some antisemitism to plant on Jeremy Corbyn. “My job is to make sure the public know that whatever the issue, Labour is to blame. We have spent the last nine years on ideological onanism, and can’t let reality prevent the climax yet again, or we will never Get It Done!”

So if the government won’t govern, who will? “Putin,” replied Patel. “Don’t quote me on that, but if some nice man offers you massive sums of money so he can do your job for you, you would be stupid to refuse. It’s win-win. Cheque please!”

BROKE BACK SERFING : Downing Street has relented to pressure and belatedly published an economic assessment of the new Brexit deal struck between Boris Johnson grabbing his ankles and the EU.

The deal shows that like all Brexit’s Boris Johnson’s ‘oven ready’ Brexit will lead to a boom in the agricultural sector of a kind not seen since the Middle Ages.

“And no one will be left out,” a spokesman said on publication of the report, “not the middle aged, not the reception aged child and not the OAP who wanted a way to payback all they’ve taken from society.”

The key benefits of the deal appear to be full employment within the UK, at least until its inevitable breakdown into its constituent parts.

“There will still be full employment within England’s strong borders after the formation of the Celtic Republic of Nations sees England free to realise its potential,” the spokesman added, “not a field left without turning. And to ensure people are happy in their work, they will be assigned to newly collectivised farms under the stewardship of Tory MPs. This way both Brexit and Lexit will be fulfilled. We expect to call it Blexit.”

But not everyone is impressed.

Speaking on behalf of historical re-creationists a red faced man in a set of tights gave the general view.

“The report is succinct, I’ll give them that,” Hobin Rood commented, “being just an A4 print out of a free to use image off google showing medieval fieldworkers. But the appearance of Jacob Rees-mogg in a non-prone posture takes dramatic licence too far for our liking.”

But then there’s always critics of a great leap forward, isn’t there.

Get ready to serf and serf some more Global Britons, and we don’t mean somewhere in the Mediterranean or Adriatic, your freedom of movement in the future will be much more domestic.

AFFECTION ABUSED FIRST CURDLES TO DISDAIN AND THEN INTO HATE : The alleged criminal conspiracy behind outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s re-election campaign has changed tack today after the flood of despair up north.

“No more contemporary Boris, that’s certain,” a source inside the mob told LCD Views, on condition of a threatened kneecapping, “just old footage from his golden era. Have I Got News For You. Early years. Prime time. The launch of his career as celebrity politician. The BBC have offered to assist in the strategy by accidentally using the footage day in and day out until December 11th.”

The move is clever, clearly, simple, simplistically simple, so simple Boris Johnson can’t fail to land the lines, because he’s already delivered them and they were largely written by others.

“We’ll be doubling down on it too by casting an unknown actor to play Boris as he was back in the noughties. So if there are any accidental public appearances ‘Boris’ won’t try and include any off colour jokes dressed up as classical references. That’s right out.”

But while the thinking behind the new play is clearly sound, members of the public will still be asked to help out.

“Cheer mostly. Whenever you see the archive footage pop up, start clapping. And interact with the social media bots who are the meat and gristle of our online campaign. Let us data harvest you too. Stop signing petitions calling for the publication of the Russian interference report. That’s a given. And pressure the Beeb to do its part.”

Surely that’s not necessary if they’ve already agreed to help out with errors made by overworked editorial staff?

“But we need your help. When you see ancient HIGNFY footage broadcast in place of the actor playing Boris Johnson climbing down into the sewers to replica a fatberg, getting stuck, and having to be rescued by emergency services, believe the old footage. No more skepticism posted online. Just laugh along and help Boris get over the line.”

If you don’t, and he’s ousted from government, there’s apparently a risk of him and even Gove eventually doing time? Depending on where all those repressed inquiries go once the laughter of the live studio audience of years ago has faded out in real time.

Have I Got Get The Tories Out For You.

If there’s one thing that has become abundantly clear since Boris Johnson took over as unelected prime minister of this country, it’s that he doesn’t like not getting his own way.

Already he has shown he’ll go to any lengths to show his displeasure when things don’t turn out like he wants. However, now it seems that he’s even willing to throw a childish tantrum at the latest extension to the Brexit negotiating time.

He has vowed to scream and scream and scream until he’s sick. Not a pretty sight.

Professor William Brown of the Crompton Research Institute for Kidlike Extreme Yelling (or CRIKEY for short), had this to say:

“We have observed Mr Johnson during his premiership and for some years before, and we have no doubt about it, he suffers from Bott’s Syndrome.”

Well it’s common knowledge that he uses bots to artificially boost his approval ratings online, but this is apparently something else.

“No, not bots, Bott’s – named after Violet Elizabeth Bott, the first known case of the syndrome. She would always threaten to scream if she didn’t get her own way. And it wasn’t a bluff, she could, would and often did let that scream out. Even when she was just six years old, she already had the lungs for it. But even she’s got nothing on Johnson.”

Professor Brown – who was very informal and insisted I call him just William – went on to explain the syndrome has adapted itself in the modern era.

There’s already an evolved strain, called Trump syndrome, where the subject tweets and tweets and tweets until he’s thick. This version can be easier on the ears on the public, but harder on the credibility. The public read the tweets and have to factor in that the subject made a conscious decision to send them all.

In the case of Boris Johnson, it is feared that he may suffer from both forms of the illness. This is rare, and very dangerous both to the sufferer and to those around him.

There is still no known cure for this syndrome, which has been known of since 1928. Scientists are working on it round the clock, and hoping they hit on something soon before Brexit happens and the EU funding runs out.

We wish them every success.