Category: Governing the people

I’M NOT A FASCIST GET ME OUT OF HERE : A SHOCK new POLL in THE DAILY REPRESS today reveals INGERLAND to be RIDDLED with people who don’t BELIEVE in BREXSHIT hard ENOUGH.

“It is quite a shock,” a pollster for polling firm, CONres, told LCD Views, “but it helps explain why Brexit isn’t a success yet.”

The presumed talking down of the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS by heretics is the most likely reason for the EU not yet BOWING TO THE DEMANDS of GLOBAL BRITAIN.

“Some say it’s the fact the EU is a rules and treaty based organisation, the only way to get dozens of democracies to work together in a union, and the blatantly inhuman way the British government has threatened the well-being of millions of EU27 CITIZENS OF NOWHERE explains why BRUSSELS HAS NOT BENT THE KNEE. But the poll reveals the reason is FIFTH COLUMNISTS in England itself.”

It’s thought that Brussels has long had a patriotic feeling vibe machine, or PFVM, directed at Blighty, mostly likely on undercover French fishing vessels.

“The lack of purity of essence in millions of people in England is detected by Barnier and he feeds back the results to the EU27 leaders. This has led to an overconfident stance in negotiations so far. It’s definitely not anything to do with all Brexit supporting politicians being complete and total fantasists who couldn’t negotiate their way out of a wet paper bag.”

But clearly the people who will suffer the most once ENGLAND IS FREE AT LAST will be the Scottish.

“They won’t be able to build homes fast enough north of Hadrian’s Wall, if this poll is anything to go by. That’ll learn them. And where will they put the skills, feeling of relief and assets the fleeing non-fascist English will bring with them?”

Ha! They don’t have an answer to that!

Similar polls will be conducted this week in Wales, Northern Ireland and Cornwall. If the results are the same, they’ll also be in trouble of overpopulation once we’ve made a success of Brexit and they’ve gone independent.

Global Britain. So long as the globe is as small as the minds of the politicians driving forward the disaster capitalist project of Brexit, we’ll make a success of it!

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM : The Tory think tank of Irritable Duncan Syndrome have hit another home run today by working out what to do with poor people who want to eat when they’re elderly.

“Don’t pay them till they’re dead,” IDS proudly said, while rubbing wax made from the fat of virgins on his head, “and they have to collect the pension in person or they don’t get it.”

The deeper thinking behind the move is believed to be the continuation of a seriously knotty problem.

“It’s fatter tax havens or poor people being able to enjoy a retirement?” IDS shrugged, “it’s a no brainer.”

IDS is of course famous for the invention of ‘Universal Credit’. A revolution in welfare for which he was awarded the ‘Nosferatu Award for Sucking the Life Out of People’. With the suggestion of raising the pension age to a point post mortem he looks like receiving more plaudits.

LCD Views would like to commend the work of men like IDS. To compensate for his (presumed) private awareness of deep inadequacy, and the twin to that of knowing he only achieved status through a wealthy chumocracy, by punishing poor people with Victorianesque policy, he can rest easy at night believing he’s achieved something all his own.

It’s also an impressive way to repay working class people who bizarrely keep voting for these moral voids and handing them power.

“We’re essentially trolling working class Brexiters,” IDS smirked, “by impoverishing the state via support for the hard right tax dodger’s con of Brexit they have brought this all on themselves. It’s quite a hoot.”

But anyone concerned they won’t enjoy a pension due to declining life expectancy in the post Brexit UK reality, is reminded to take comfort with the knowledge that as they toil through their autumn years, IDS will be sat back, inherited money overflowing, knowing he’s done his bit to improve your character by forcing you to work hard, until you’re dead.

We’re all going on a summer holiday! With Parliament in recess, MPs are Getting On With Brexit by going on their jollies. But one man is unhappy. Dominic Raab is refusing to go to Bath, because he likes a shower of a morning instead.

“I’m always told that I’m a bit of a shower,” says the Secretary for Bloody Forriners. “And it’s true! A good shower washes away all the day’s muck. Politics is a grubby game sometimes, so it’s nice to feel clean and competent!”

Bath gets its name from the ancient Roman baths there. This is another reason not to go, according to our man in the shower cubicle.

“Roman baths? ROMAN?” he exclaims indignantly. “You mean, from the EU? Rome is in France, right? I’m not putting up with any foreign muck!”

Experts confirmed that Rome is indeed in Europe, and that the baths were constructed the last time the EU invaded Britain. That time, the legions swept away years of native inertia, replacing lovely original creaky infrastructure with horribly useful paved roads, mosaics, underfloor heating, decent sewerage, and of course baths.

Other MPs are on holiday too. Boris Johnson is obsessed with Bridge, though he talks a better game than he plays. He challenged Donald Trump to a game. Garden Bridge? enquired the orange numpty. No, Transatlantic Bridge, replied the pink numpty. Trump haggled him down to a round of Snap, which Johnson won by a convincing margin.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Esq is on a modern holiday to 1215. He is very excited. “Magna Carta! It’s the first time The People took back control from the liberal elite!” he said, almost losing that measured tone. “I can’t wait to witness it all over again!”

The previous Minister for Incompetence, Chris Grayling, didn’t manage to sort out a holiday for himself this year, though his constituency office is liberally garlanded with holly. “He’s got the hump,” said his exasperated secretary. “He is going around in a camel costume!”

To Bath, or not to Bath? It just won’t wash.

ABOUT TIME TOO : The United Kingdom has been seen increasingly as a repressive, retrograde, banana republic in recent years, but that’s about to change!

From this Friday the UK is to take part in a limited trial of a new United Nation’s scheme to bring the corporate insanity of hot desking to international governance.

“Theresa May signed the UK up to the trial in the last minutes of her premiership,” UN rapporteur Mr Goode Govern told LCD Views, “and it seems Boris Johnson’s instant clear out of ideologically impure civil servants meant no one told him about it in time to pull out.”

As part of the trial no less than fifty governments around the world will see their top executive figures scramble for the presidency, or premiership, or monarchy of each others’ country as soon as work starts on Friday.

The UK is already slated for the New Zealand premier because organisers of the scheme decided it would be best to rotate a few leaders to start it, lest the collective prove too shy.

“Monday they go again,” the UN figure advised, “although if Ardern enjoyed her long weekend in the UK, you may find she’s at the office early enough to get Downing Street again.”

But supporters of the Johnson government have slammed the trial and threatened to withdraw prematurely. Something Mr Johnson has never before achieved in any endeavour, except ones involving accountability and honesty.

“ Mr Johnson can’t be expected to get out of bed before midday, shower, change, ruffle his hair, boof an unsuspecting posh filly, ruffle his hair some more and get to work early enough to get anything but the least desirable country.”

The UN however is unrepentant.

“We’ve put Donald Trump down to run Saudi Arabia, which should get interesting,” the UN man added, “although we fully expect the Saudis to just dazzle him with that magic light ball they showed him when he visited before. That’s if he gets off the golf course and turns up to work at all.”

How the UK will benefit from having Ms Ardern as prime minister, even temporarily, is apparent.

“After nearly a decade of this toxic regressive Conservatism? Even a long weekend of an actual human in charge of the country will be a tangible relief.”

JOHNSON BOOSTED BY INTERPLANETARY ENVOY : UK’s last human (using that label very loosely) Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Piffle Willy, has received a massive BOOST today after a visit from Martian Envoy, John Bolt-on.

Mr Willy received Mr Bolt-on at his temporary London address, 10 Downing Street, which Mr Willy is using as lodgings until his next door neighbours hear a screaming match with temporary girlfriend, Someone Someone Till-thenext-Someone.

Speaking after the tête-à-tête a visibly impressed Mr Willy spoke to reporters outside his temporary home.

“May I first just say how impressed I was with the Martian Envoy and his declaration of peaceful intentions,” Mr Willy enthused, thrusting one hand skyward in a flat palmed salute, “today marks not the beginning, but the deepening of a special relationship that will put the one enjoyed by Tony ‘T-bone’ Blair and Dubya in the shade. They called Blair the poodle, what will they call me? I’ll tell you what, the British Rottweiler. Or perhaps a more traditional British dog. Some sort of terrier,

“But nonetheless, regardless of which species of Canis lupus familiaris is chosen to describe my good self, let me say how IMPRESSED (more arm waving, even a fist pump) I was with the Martian Envoy’s declaration of the possible joint, fiscal benefits between the United Kingdom and his empire.”

Mr Willy went on to mention that the only thing that stood between the harmonious future was a failure to deliver Brexit.

“Which is why, DO OR DIE, my government will deliver on the result of the criminally manipulated, lie strewn, hard right con of the United Kingdom made possible by the naivety of my old school chum David ‘hug a hoodie’ Cameron.”

As to what the UK can expect to gain from the union, Mr Willy was definite.

“Massive cost savings in the running of our national health service. This will be achieved by the complete handover of ownership to our new overlords. And cost savings will be vital as we develop the medical conditions of increasing obesity, heart disease and diabetes brought about by the revitalisation of our food sector. For too long the unelected technocrats have kept hungry Britons from hormones and antibiotics. Well no more!”

As to what Mr Willy expected to receive personally?

“I think not of myself,” he said, with a smirk, “but I am heartily cheered by the Martian ambassador’s offer of keeping my head in a fully self contained sphere after Brexit. This will allow me to enjoy the thrill of interplanetary travel without the trouble of passport queues.”

WORK LIFE OUT OF BALANCE : 10 Downing Street has had to cancel all staff leave out of a real fear no one will come back from their holidays.

The move, described as perfectly rational given the irrationality of the decisions being taken by the executive, it is hoped will prevent key insiders seeking political asylum in EU27 states.

Oh, and stop that young filly the PM has his eye on from taking work elsewhere.

”That’s because everyone is an enemy now,” an aide to the unelected bureaucrat PM, Dominic Cummings Esq, told LCD Views, “all those states that are forcing us into a no deal Brexit will be certain to try and lure away anyone weak enough to want food consistently this winter.”

Come to us we have food, that could turn anyone into a traitor.

It’a thought even holidays within the UK have been banned in case 10 Downing Street staff give in to the temptation to swim out to ships sailing past Ramsgate or Southend.

”We’re pretty sure French fishermen will be attempting to take unwitting and innocent English nationalists off the coasts of England,” the insider warned, “after which Macron will place them in a dungeon and torture them with the smell of freshly baked croissants. We could lose dozens of state secrets just like that.”

And don’t think a staycation will get you out of the door and home in front of the television either.

”We’ve already bugged all the staff’s homes. If they go home and talk about work they’ll just get in trouble. Best to stay in the office and push through till November. Everyone will be able to have time off then because of the sunlight on the uplands of Brexit.”

As to press speculation that the cancellation of leave is because a general election is planned, the insider had this to say,

”When Boris Johnson said there wouldn’t be a general election before Brexit he was talking bollocks. Obviously. Only a fool would have believed it, which is par for course for whatever he says.”

And what do the staff themselves think about the cancellation of their Leave?

”I thought Leave was supposed to mean Leave!” one shouted out in exasperation.

WHAT’S REAL : The EU has responded today to the waves of nonsense and make believe emanating from Downing Street with a clear statement of their own.

”There is no basis for further Brexit talks while the United Kingdom is being run by a prime ministerial parody account,” a Brussel’s spokesman shrugged, “we would like to talk. Of course we would. We’re very good at talking. After you triggered Article 50 with no plan at all we talked for three years to help you find a plan. We’ve done a lot of talking with you.”

An additional criteria for any further talks, alongside having an actual prime minister and not just a joke that got out of hand, is to do with the way the offshore, tax exile press barons of the UK operate.

”Wave after wave of nausea inducing, xenophobia laden, historically ignorant bombast published as a flanking attack to the mortared bollocks coming from Downing Street? Is this the way to manage a civil divorce? Sort yourselves out.”

What Downing Street will make of the response from Brussels isn’t certain, but it can be presumed they’ll try and ramp up the rhetoric.

”Brexit really is very simple in the end,” our Brexit specialist reassures, “hard right revolutionary forces want to create a massive disaster as an excuse to return the country to feudalism economically and socially. Hard left forces want the hard right to do this thinking if the hard right breaks the eggs then the hard left will make the omelette. Both are idiots.”

The UK, if we want other people to take us seriously and talk to us, we best save the parody for entertainment and criticism of government, and not the actual method of government.

A DAMN FINE FILLY, THOUGHT I WAS IN THERE : Prime minister of the United Kingston, Boris Johnson, has reportedly told his aides in a bad tempered outburst that he’s already bored of being prime minister.

”It got better for a moment when he got to ride in a helicopter to somewhere with an unexpected water folly,” an aide to the restless PM told LCD Views, “but then they wouldn’t let him try and stick his finger in the dyke and the fun died again.”

How Mr Johnson will entertain himself now is anyone’s guess, especially since some people have started booing.

”He’s supposed to be adored,” the aide insighted, “that’s what he thrives on. He’s played the UK like a doe eyed Tory lass. All bluff and gags, with a few half understood classical references thrown in to dazzle. Now he’s got Britannia in the sack and had his way with her he’s looking for the next conquest. Which is difficult when you’re prime minister. You’re expected to stay faithful. You’re expected to stop screwing around.”

One of the main causes of irritation appears to be having to work. Daily.

”The wheeze was to conclude the Tory leadership contest with six weeks of summer hols to look forward to. Apparently you can’t just bunk off when you’re PM and threatening the country with economic suicide and civil unrest. Who knew?”

“Winning was supposed to be an end in itself,” Mr Johnson was heard to mutter, “not the start of some bloody endless chore. Who can we invade? Can we invade ourselves?”