Category: Governing the people

JOHNSON BOOSTED BY INTERPLANETARY ENVOY : UK’s last human (using that label very loosely) Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Piffle Willy, has received a massive BOOST today after a visit from Martian Envoy, John Bolt-on.

Mr Willy received Mr Bolt-on at his temporary London address, 10 Downing Street, which Mr Willy is using as lodgings until his next door neighbours hear a screaming match with temporary girlfriend, Someone Someone Till-thenext-Someone.

Speaking after the tête-à-tête a visibly impressed Mr Willy spoke to reporters outside his temporary home.

“May I first just say how impressed I was with the Martian Envoy and his declaration of peaceful intentions,” Mr Willy enthused, thrusting one hand skyward in a flat palmed salute, “today marks not the beginning, but the deepening of a special relationship that will put the one enjoyed by Tony ‘T-bone’ Blair and Dubya in the shade. They called Blair the poodle, what will they call me? I’ll tell you what, the British Rottweiler. Or perhaps a more traditional British dog. Some sort of terrier,

“But nonetheless, regardless of which species of Canis lupus familiaris is chosen to describe my good self, let me say how IMPRESSED (more arm waving, even a fist pump) I was with the Martian Envoy’s declaration of the possible joint, fiscal benefits between the United Kingdom and his empire.”

Mr Willy went on to mention that the only thing that stood between the harmonious future was a failure to deliver Brexit.

“Which is why, DO OR DIE, my government will deliver on the result of the criminally manipulated, lie strewn, hard right con of the United Kingdom made possible by the naivety of my old school chum David ‘hug a hoodie’ Cameron.”

As to what the UK can expect to gain from the union, Mr Willy was definite.

“Massive cost savings in the running of our national health service. This will be achieved by the complete handover of ownership to our new overlords. And cost savings will be vital as we develop the medical conditions of increasing obesity, heart disease and diabetes brought about by the revitalisation of our food sector. For too long the unelected technocrats have kept hungry Britons from hormones and antibiotics. Well no more!”

As to what Mr Willy expected to receive personally?

“I think not of myself,” he said, with a smirk, “but I am heartily cheered by the Martian ambassador’s offer of keeping my head in a fully self contained sphere after Brexit. This will allow me to enjoy the thrill of interplanetary travel without the trouble of passport queues.”

WORK LIFE OUT OF BALANCE : 10 Downing Street has had to cancel all staff leave out of a real fear no one will come back from their holidays.

The move, described as perfectly rational given the irrationality of the decisions being taken by the executive, it is hoped will prevent key insiders seeking political asylum in EU27 states.

Oh, and stop that young filly the PM has his eye on from taking work elsewhere.

”That’s because everyone is an enemy now,” an aide to the unelected bureaucrat PM, Dominic Cummings Esq, told LCD Views, “all those states that are forcing us into a no deal Brexit will be certain to try and lure away anyone weak enough to want food consistently this winter.”

Come to us we have food, that could turn anyone into a traitor.

It’a thought even holidays within the UK have been banned in case 10 Downing Street staff give in to the temptation to swim out to ships sailing past Ramsgate or Southend.

”We’re pretty sure French fishermen will be attempting to take unwitting and innocent English nationalists off the coasts of England,” the insider warned, “after which Macron will place them in a dungeon and torture them with the smell of freshly baked croissants. We could lose dozens of state secrets just like that.”

And don’t think a staycation will get you out of the door and home in front of the television either.

”We’ve already bugged all the staff’s homes. If they go home and talk about work they’ll just get in trouble. Best to stay in the office and push through till November. Everyone will be able to have time off then because of the sunlight on the uplands of Brexit.”

As to press speculation that the cancellation of leave is because a general election is planned, the insider had this to say,

”When Boris Johnson said there wouldn’t be a general election before Brexit he was talking bollocks. Obviously. Only a fool would have believed it, which is par for course for whatever he says.”

And what do the staff themselves think about the cancellation of their Leave?

”I thought Leave was supposed to mean Leave!” one shouted out in exasperation.

WHAT’S REAL : The EU has responded today to the waves of nonsense and make believe emanating from Downing Street with a clear statement of their own.

”There is no basis for further Brexit talks while the United Kingdom is being run by a prime ministerial parody account,” a Brussel’s spokesman shrugged, “we would like to talk. Of course we would. We’re very good at talking. After you triggered Article 50 with no plan at all we talked for three years to help you find a plan. We’ve done a lot of talking with you.”

An additional criteria for any further talks, alongside having an actual prime minister and not just a joke that got out of hand, is to do with the way the offshore, tax exile press barons of the UK operate.

”Wave after wave of nausea inducing, xenophobia laden, historically ignorant bombast published as a flanking attack to the mortared bollocks coming from Downing Street? Is this the way to manage a civil divorce? Sort yourselves out.”

What Downing Street will make of the response from Brussels isn’t certain, but it can be presumed they’ll try and ramp up the rhetoric.

”Brexit really is very simple in the end,” our Brexit specialist reassures, “hard right revolutionary forces want to create a massive disaster as an excuse to return the country to feudalism economically and socially. Hard left forces want the hard right to do this thinking if the hard right breaks the eggs then the hard left will make the omelette. Both are idiots.”

The UK, if we want other people to take us seriously and talk to us, we best save the parody for entertainment and criticism of government, and not the actual method of government.

A DAMN FINE FILLY, THOUGHT I WAS IN THERE : Prime minister of the United Kingston, Boris Johnson, has reportedly told his aides in a bad tempered outburst that he’s already bored of being prime minister.

”It got better for a moment when he got to ride in a helicopter to somewhere with an unexpected water folly,” an aide to the restless PM told LCD Views, “but then they wouldn’t let him try and stick his finger in the dyke and the fun died again.”

How Mr Johnson will entertain himself now is anyone’s guess, especially since some people have started booing.

”He’s supposed to be adored,” the aide insighted, “that’s what he thrives on. He’s played the UK like a doe eyed Tory lass. All bluff and gags, with a few half understood classical references thrown in to dazzle. Now he’s got Britannia in the sack and had his way with her he’s looking for the next conquest. Which is difficult when you’re prime minister. You’re expected to stay faithful. You’re expected to stop screwing around.”

One of the main causes of irritation appears to be having to work. Daily.

”The wheeze was to conclude the Tory leadership contest with six weeks of summer hols to look forward to. Apparently you can’t just bunk off when you’re PM and threatening the country with economic suicide and civil unrest. Who knew?”

“Winning was supposed to be an end in itself,” Mr Johnson was heard to mutter, “not the start of some bloody endless chore. Who can we invade? Can we invade ourselves?”

KANGAROO COURT : Home Office Secretary Priti Patel is wasting no time making her mark on her new patch of law and order and judge and jury.

”I want criminals to feel terror when they contemplate crime,” she declared.

Unless they’re a Tory MP?

It’s unclear if she is talking about a predetermined societal class, she’s identified in advance as criminal, or talking about people who have already proven themselves to have been criminal, so can be expected to be criminal again.

Unless they’re a disgraced Tory MP who used to be in a Ministry? Can they be presumed to be criminal again?

”They should feel terror too,” our criminal affairs analyst suggested, “with Patel running one of the most important ministries in the land.

“She’s previously argued for a return of hanging, as a deterrent. Which is encouraging to know, given how many innocent people tend to get hung. That’s a deterrent to not breaking the law? So at least if you swing it’s for something you’ve done?”

But Patel is well placed, as a minister in the party of law and order, to address matters of crime and punishment.

Tory MPs keep proving they know all about it. They keep ending up in court.

Patel herself had to resign the last time she was a minister. After it was revealed she was secretly negotiating with a foreign military.

You’d think that would end a politician’s career. Unless they’re a Tory MP.

”And of course her colleague now running education had to resign only weeks ago for leaking security council secrets to the press.”

You’d think that would have ended his political career. Good thing he’s a Tory MP.

It’s reassuring to have the ‘one rule for us and one for the rabble’ rule laid out so clear by the actions of the Conservatives running the government.

If you want crime to pay, presumably it helps to be a Tory MP?

FAILURE TO PREPARE IS PREPARING TO BREXIT : The all knowing UK government has announced it is to gratuitously waste £100m of British taxpayers money on No Deal misinformation leaflets.

“Rationing is kool kids!” a clearly baffled, blinking, maybe I’m dreaming, Mr Doom Rabbit (MP) told LCD Views, “it was swinging in the 40’s and 50’s and it’s hip daddio again today.”

But although a noble attempt to convince people that what they know they don’t know and they should just let it all wash out of their brains, it maybe a hard sell in the era of online retail.

“That’s easy,” Doom Rabbit shrugged, “no one will be able to afford to shop online, or on the high street, once we successfully crash out without a deal. The leaflets will help by teaching people how to succeed in a barter based economy. Also by encouraging you to take your kids out of school and put them to work.”

And there’s further consideration given to the hardships to come.

“If the inheritance millionaire, hedge fund loving, currency speculating, feudalist lunatics that are bringing you Brexit (ably assisted by an official opposition that thinks the Tories will break the eggs, but we’ll make the omelette!) are successful, some day to day items maybe in short supply,” Doom Rabbit added, “but we’ve thought of that. The leaflets will be edible. Don’t use them as a substitute for the vanished toilet paper supply. Not when you can make them into soup!”

Believe in Brexit and let’s make a success of it. It being queueing for food while  a cherished family member hopes that airlifted insulin arrives on time.

Global Britain. What the fcuk happened to it?

BELIEVE IN BRITAIN : The government has responded this morning to criticism that it has handed back funds intended to alleviate child poverty in the UK to the EU unspent.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-49131685

“If we can’t spend it on Brexit what’s the point of it?” a Downing Street spokesman shrugged, “I mean if it could have been used to pay private consultants to prepare voluminous reports for contingency planning for things we’ll never in a million years do, that would have been different.”

And furthermore, experts in the field have a bit of advice for poor kids.

“You’re not going to better yourself sponging about off foreign aid money,” Toby Agspoon esq, Tory MP for Oblivion-by-and-by, advised.

“And, besides, we waste all this money on EU officials and get nothing back! This ruins the narrative of a fair and prosperous Britain, its children’s faces gold lit by the wealth of opportunity provided by Caring Conservatism. Reach out children and seize the opportunities of Brexit! The chimney sweep’s brush! The three legged stool in the match factory! The one kidney sold, but the other one kept!”

Quite how the government could have been so incompetent as to not have spent the money is anyone’s guess.

“Because they’re a useless effing shower of a government who have no idea about alleviating poverty and couldn’t care less,” Anyone guessed. But it was a credible guess.

“Hard work will get you anywhere,” Toby Agspoon esq added, “get your nose to the grindstone. If that fails, call your dad. Take your cash back EU! We don’t need it. Our coffers are full. And besides, if belief in Britain can’t lift a child out of poverty in 21st century Britain, what will?”

Quod erat demonstrandum! The new Minister for Classical Antiquity, Jacob Rees-Mogg, wants all his staff to communicate in Latin.

[Note: For those of you who didn’t go to school with Jacob Rees-Mogg, our Latin cheat sheet is here:]

https://bestlifeonline.com/latin-phrases/

“Simplex est petitio,” explained Rees-Mogg, to LCD Views’ Victorian Values correspondent. “Oh, I suppose you went to one of those ghastly modern redbrick universities that teach abominations like science. One hears that they let you wear… jeans… trainers…” He choked on the words. “One’s staff will speak Latin and wear gowns. This country needs to reclaim its heritage!”

“It’s a bloody liberty,” moaned parliamentarian Polly Glott. “Until now, official policy with foreign languages has been to speak slowly and loudly. Now we have to learn a whole new sodding language!”

“Condemnant quo non intellegunt,” countered Rees-Mogg. “This summarises my thoughts on Europe, and, I am told, most online political discussions.”

“I hope we are going to get dedicated training on this?” asked Glott.

“Ad astra per aspera,” replied Rees-Mogg. “As with Brexit, we will all pass through difficult times, but the eventual rewards will be worth it. Carpe diem. Alea iacta est!”

“Thank you Julius Caesar,” retorted Glott. “That’s one Rubicon I’m not going to cross!”

“Oh come now, dulce periculum!” replied Rees-Mogg. “Or, in the vernacular, live a little! Audentes fortuna iuvat!”

“Boldness has nothing to do with it,” replied Glott. “When I applied for this job, was I told that fluency in Latin was essential? Of course not. Factum fieri infectum non potest, I know, but it’s bloody ridiculous!”

“You are doing very well,” said Rees-Mogg, with just a hint of sounding slightly patronising. “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam should be your motto from now on.”

“And this stupid Brexit business!” said Glott. “Creo quia absurdum est, I know, but just remember, faber est suae quisque fortunae, and qui totum vult totum perdit!”

“He who wants everything will lose everything,” mused Rees-Mogg. “Very apt, may I say. Remind me to mention that to the Prime Minister the next time we meet.”

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixture dementia fuit. Unfortunately there is little wisdom in the current madness.

In, out, put the kettle on. That’s Brexit, Boris style. Enough of May’s deferred gratification, Johnson wants a quickie followed by a nice cup of tea.

Johnson is relying on his effervescent charm in order to get his wicked way. “I know how to talk to those European Johnnies,” he said, on his way to his seaside hols in Margate. “Buono estente, sminki pinki, Chris Waddle, Brexito rapido, give us a squeeze Louise, ethethetheth bang bang, Boutros Boutros Ghali!”

One cannot but be impressed by his total grasp of both the facts and the foreign language. Why Margate?

‘Scorchio!” he said happily.

Isn’t Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am a bit one sided?

“No, no, not at all,” replied Boris. “You know, it’s like the time when I… wibble wibble… and there was a donkey in the room!… fibble fabble… an incredible amount of cheese…wiff waff… I’m afraid I was very, very drunk.”

None of this fits together very well, but somehow it makes a coherent whole.

“It’s like a great piece of music!” crooned Boris. “Political jazz! The ebbs and the flows, the highs and the lows. Javid at the Treasury, Patel at Home, and Clam on bass. Nice!”

This is a complete contrast from May’s softly softly approach, isn’t it?

“Brexit is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman,” replied Johnson. “Lie back and think of Brussels, I say. You go in hard, get the dirty work done as quickly as possible, and pull out the moment you’re finished.”

In other words, spaff everywhere, and leave someone else to clear up the mess?

“In’t Brexit brilliant!” he replied.

Before you leave, could you sum up your first week as Prime Minister for us?

Boris paused thoughtfully, then said, “This week, I have been mostly spaffing money up the wall!”

Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am? Ooo! Suit you sir!