Category: Governing the people

The UK has been offered a stark choice. Chaos or catastrophe. Unbelievably, the latter is the current favourite.

Crime Minister Boris Johnson, or more likely his de facto boss, Dominic “Winter Is” Cummings, has come up with a snappy slogan. Johnson has channelled the clumsy spirit of his predecessor, the piggy porcophile David Cameron.

“Do you want a coalition of chaos with Jeremy Corbyn, or a glorious, glorious fucking apocalypse with me?” Johnson asked, while denying that another election would ever take place while there was breath in his body.

It’s devil or deep blue sea. The People of Britain are buying it, too. Many would rather re-enact the destruction of Atlantis than contemplate having a lefty within 50 yards of Ten Downing Street.

For an election is surely coming, like winter and fuel shortages. The Get Ready For Brexit posters may as well say You’re Going To Have To Vote Again, Suckers.

Cautious citizens are already stocking up on firewood, oven-ready rats, and postal votes for the Conservative Party.

Neither faction has any idea about what is going on. Remainers are too busy saying what they don’t want, and won’t agree how remainy they want to be. Meanwhile the pro-Brexit vote is likely to be ambushed by Nigel “Wrecking Ball” Farage.

It is likely to be the balance of power will be held by crossbenchers. And some of them are very cross indeed.

“I’m not just cross, I’m extremely miffed!” exclaimed independent MP Jack O’Vorltrades. “How dare these irresponsible idiots trash the country for profit! I got so angry, I almost signed an online petition!”

He won’t let power go to his head. “If we win, I’m putting myself forward as a potential Prime Minister,” declared O’Vorltrades. “So long as nobody else wants to do it. It’s exciting, I’ve never mastered anything yet. This could be my big chance!”

Chaos, muddling through and the status quo. Whatever you want.

External inspectors have taken one look at the UK government, and put it straight into Special Measures.

The hurried push for a No Deal Brexit was, in part, a device to evade this inspection. The lurid headlines emanating from the UK persuaded the inspectorate to pay a visit earlier than anticipated. The lead inspector was horrified at what she found.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, and our last inspection was of Hungary,” gasped lead inspector Faye Ling-Grayling. “We have placed the government into Special Measures, and will be replacing the truly inadequate PM and his hopeless team with experienced SuperMinisters.”

The Office for Political and Internal Services Standards (OFPISS) grades administrations on a four point scale, with 1 the best grade and 4 the worst. “In an unprecedented move, we were obliged to award the UK an overall grade of 5,” despaired Ling-Grayling.

The five-star UK is now officially worse than useless, and indeed the worst ever. Worse than the closing days of Nazi Germany (“Grade 3, requires improvement,” claims Ling-Grayling. “They didn’t learn from their mistakes!”) or Caligula’s senate (“ A good, solid 2,” remarks Ling-Grayling. “That horse was dynamite!”).

OFPISS looks at four key areas: Management, Development, Behaviour, and Outcomes. “Management was the worst of the lot,” said Ling-Grayling. “Not an original idea among them, and you can’t trust a word any of them says. It’s like trusting a thief to look after your money. Run a country? I wouldn’t trust them to run a bath.”

Development of inexperienced MPs is simply not happening, which means it receives the most generous grading of the four criteria.

“Behaviour is shocking too,” remarks Ling-Grayling. “In session they all just shout insults at each other. In public they say any old nonsense, not worrying about contradicting themselves. They are unfit for purpose.”

Outcomes is even worse. The UK government has done Ben Stokes in reverse, and seized a highly improbable defeat from the jaws of victory.

There is even talk of OFPISS closing down the government completely, and building a new one somewhere else. Probably in the EU.

GRAB ‘EM BY THE SHIRT AND CURLIES : BORIS JOHNSON’S controller, President Dominic Cummings, has refused to confirm if he’ll allow Johnson a second term as prime minister.

In a fiery exchange late last night Cummings is said to have confronted Johnson over a leaked email that suggested Johnson himself made decisions about his career.

“It was explosive,” a Downing Street aide imaginatively told LCD Views, “the wall paper actually curled up from the skirting boards.”

While Johnson is said to have initially held his ground against the undemocratic, unelected, un-sovereign, recently installed totalitarian ruler of the United Kingdom, it’s believed he soon crumbled when Cummings pulled out the big guns.

“Cummings is said to have threatened to leak to the press the fact Johnson does zero work and spends most of his time evading phone calls from scorned posh, blonde women who believed he wanted to settle down and start a family with them.”

Whether or not Johnson will be allowed to serve a second term is up for debate.

“There’s a beauty parade of hypocrisy going on in the senior ranks of the government,” the aide added, “with pretty much anyone serving as a minister prepared to lie outright to the public to please whoever is funding this wholesale demolition of the UK.”

LCD Views would ask all staff working for Mr Cummings, from Johnson down, to respect their place in the food chain and only speak when spoken to from now on, lest it negatively impacts on their career prospects. Clearly, the welfare of the United Kingdom is so far down the list of priorities as to be invisible. At least until Brexit is delivered and we all spontaneously unite, or self-combust.

SCHOOLBOY PRANK RUNS COUNTRY : NEWS WIRES are humming today with leaked footage from 10 Downing Street which clearly shows a blonde man putting UK democracy into a wheelie bin.

“It’s so blatant, it’s hard to believe your eyes,” a spokesman for Defend Our Democracy said, “he’s blurry, but that’s because of all the hot air swirling about him from some kind of endless fire in his pants. It’s very clear who it is though. And it’s bloody obvious what he’s up to.”

The blonde man himself has not been named, although LCD Views can say with complete authority his nickname is ‘Eton Mess’.

Police are tightlipped over what action will be taken, if any, because these days crimes and misdemeanours by people of high status are apparently labelled ‘political sensitive’.

But a spokesalienfaceeatingandroidliverchurningmonsterfromtheplanetzaaargonworkexperience at 10 Downing Street has this to say,

“Your democracy is not at risk,” which was reassuring, “you will be allowed to vote again, one day, just as soon as we’ve imported a bunch of secondhand electronic voting booths from our friends in the USA, for the Russian to hack.”

Attempts are currently underway to retrieve UK democracy from the bin. Democracy’s current status is believed to be ‘Schrodinger’s Cat’.

REGIME CHANGE IS GOING OKAY : 10 Downing Street has announced that a familiar face will return to the UK’s television screens soon after Comical Ali agreed to work for Boris Johnson.

“This is a prize catch,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Sean Spicer was initially approached, but he’s busy with existing television commitments.”

It’s thought Comical Ali was also initially averse to involving himself with another cast iron, guaranteed disaster in the making, but the promise of a peerage swayed him.

“He just has to reassure everyone daily that No Deal Brexit will be okay. That it’s all going to plan. That the people support their unelected leader. After October 31st he can kick back in the Lords and do as he likes.”

Of course his first duty will be to explain that asking the Queen to suspend parliament just after MPs have returned from summer recess is perfectly normal.

“This is just the normal functioning of an autocracy with a veneer of democracy slapped on the face of it,” the spokesman said, “although Comical Ali will explain it more amusingly.”

The fact that viewers will be able to watch their institutions of state being torn down behind Comical Ali as he speaks isn’t expected to cause any raised eyebrows.

“Boris Johnson is uniting the country in a way Theresa May could only dream of,” the Downing Street spokesman added, “and each and every day now Comical Ali will be there to tell you it’s all okay.”

But what if he burns out with the workload? He’s not a young man anymore?

“Trump has offered to send over that Huckabee-Sanders woman. And if she won’t do he’ll take over the role personally and talk to the British people directly via Twitter, on Johnson’s behalf.”

Believe in Britain, even if in your imagination it doesn’t work this way.

ABSOLUTE BOLLOCRACY : The aspiring (to) autocracy of Boris Johnson, and chums, have laid down the gauntlet today to MPs by declaring that all laws dating back to 1689 will be repealed.

“That includes the Bill of Rights in 1689 which established the supremacy of parliament over the monarchy,” Doom Cumon, spokesman for 10 Downing Street advised LCD Views, “and the best thing about it is, as we’re taking back control over the chamber of elected representatives, we’re just doing it. But they’ll hear about it when James Cleverly is told to tweet.”

The payoff for MPs will of course be an extended summer recess.

“Like, forever, on full pay with pensions.”

That will certainly get the support of many, not that it matters of course.

“To make the repeal of all laws back to 1689 even more special, we will be doing it live, broadcast on Facepamphlet, with some of our extra special MPs, like DExEU minister, Scan Barcode, repealing laws on camera.”

It’s felt the Lords too will be in on the act.

“Once the Act of Parliament in 1911, which abolished the ability of the House of Lords to veto legislation, is repealed, then the Lords can believe they’re back in control. This is why we’ll stuff it with kippers to ensure they don’t try and control anything. And the Queen will fast regain many powers, which she will be happy to gift to 10 Downing Street, lest we call her a traitor too.”

This is of course all good news for the sovereignty of parliament, and all Britons will be forced by Boris Johnson’s first royal decree to proclaim their support loudly at street parties, with bunting.

“It will mean certain changes to how society functions,” Doom Cumon added, “doffing of caps is back. Rule of thumb? Back. End of universal suffrage. Abolition of all workers rights and a return to full employment for children.”

It’s certain this government, if left to do as it pleases, will make the UK the greatest place to live on earth, for feudal minded, tax hating tyrants. Believe in Britain!

As for those who say that choosing which votes to respect is entirely how a democracy progresses, well, wait for the social media campaign calling you a traitor. In Brexit Britain there’s only one place that’s sovereign, and it’s not parliament.

He bats, he bowls, he fields like a demon – damn it, he could probably sort Brexit with a mighty swish of his dashing willow. Everything points to the fact that Ben Stokes is now The People’s choice as Britain’s prime minister.

He would take over from the honorary president of the Bumbling Old Etonians Cricket Club, Boris ‘Golden Duck’ Johnson. Stokes has just seized a miraculous victory from near certain disaster. Number Ten beckons for England’s Number Five.

“Ben Stokes could sort out Brexit with a stick of rhubarb,” opined Sir Geoffrey Boycott, reverse swept up in the Headingley hysteria. “He would knock Macron, Merkel and Tusk for six, as easily as if they were Australian bowlers!”

Indeed the political team GB needs a miracle of Stokesian proportions. But this near-miraculous victory has given Brexiters hope.

“If Ben Stokes can pull off an impossible victory against the Australians, what can’t he do?” asked a sweaty, drunk but ecstatic man who only gave his name as ‘Brexity McBrexitface’. “The Irish border problem would be hit for six before you could say silly mid-off!”

To be fair, the country is not unanimous in its choice of Ben Stokes. Labour still favour Jeremy Corbyn, although there are mutterings about bringing in Stokes’ staunch ally Jack Leach as the next Labour Leader. Jacob Rees-Mogg naturally favours W. G. Grace.

Former cricketers, and indeed anyone else who remembers the Test Match drama at Edgbaston in 2005, and at Headingley in 1981, are recovering from collective brain orgasm. They are joyously recalling former captain Mike Brearley’s impressive stint as interim prime minister after Margaret Thatcher had to retire hurt in The Falklands.

The massive problem that has stumped finer minds than Johnson’s will now be sorted by a man who can bowl several hundred overs in the sort of 50 degree heat only an English summer can provide, score more often than the current incumbent, and never be caught with sandpaper in his pocket.

At least until 4 September, when Ben Stokes will be required to quit politics and return to test cricket. Play up! Play up! And play the game!

The UK has been given an ultimatum. Within 30 days, it must find a technological solution to Boris Johnson.

Despite this blistering timetable, Britain’s best boffins are on the case. Up and down the length and breadth of Merrie Englande, wannabe Wallaces are dashing to their sheds to find the solution.

LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent met leading inventor and computer nut, Mike Rowe-Chipps.

“I’ve already created a functional prototype,” said Rowe-Chipps excitedly. “I call it Zaphod Bumblebot. Look at this!”

He placed an order for the destruction of the British Isles in front of the android. It seized a pen, and scrawled the salutation ‘Love and kisses, Zaphod’.

“I haven’t quite synchronised the voice yet,” explained Rowe-Chipps, as the robot’s Stephen Hawking-like voice said “Golly goodness! Fibble fabble! What a to-do, old bean!”

Moaning remainers have created their own killjoy creation, codenamed Marvin. Its database is full of comments from Twitter correspondents with ‘FBPE’ in their handle. Its very first words were ‘I think you should know I’m very depressed.’

Paranoid androids apart, the specifications for the Boris bot are extensive. It must be sufficiently different to the obsolete Maybot, which is currently situated in a museum blurting out statements like “Strong and stable!” and “My deal or no deal!” at random intervals.

There are two particular details which Rowe-Chipps and his fellow inventors are finding difficult. That irritating “What the Dickens is going on here?” facial expression, and the tendency to shag any presentable female. “I have to wear a chastity belt whenever Zaphod Bumblebot is turned on,” reflects Rowe-Chipps ruefully.

Experts who have read the relevant documentation have realised that the irresponsible Zaphod is, ultimately, redeemed by the boring Marvin. Their findings have, of course, been dismissed by opinionated government wonks.

Will it work? Possibly not, as it’s probably infinitely improbable.

Schrödinger’s border? Boris Johnson insists the Irish border must remain open and frictionless. Priti Patel insists our borders must close. Make your minds up, folks!

The man in supposed charge is boxed into his corner, and unable to get out due to the weight of bullshit in his way. He has access to a number of tools – none bigger than Dominic Raab – but refuses to dig himself out of trouble.

Raab, meanwhile, will say anything his big boss Boris wants him to, without anything ever passing through his brain. If you need a man to call a spade a f***ing screwdriver, dum dum Dom’s your man.

Priti “Polly” Patel parrots anything the Leave.EU team wants her to. With the old team reunited in Boris’ back room (and his back door, who knows), it is permissible to say any old crap so long as it is sufficiently Brexity.

Dominic Cummings, the evil genius driving the Johnson government, doesn’t give a shit. He just wants enough controversy to keep the lefties arguing while No Deal Brexit happens under their very noses.

Cummings declared that the border paradox was a matter for the Prime Minister to deal with. He granted LCD Views an interview with Boris at any convenient time, so long as Johnson was unavailable.

Brexit will allow the UK to set its own rules, tariffs, customs arrangements etc.. These will be different to the EU’s (otherwise, what’s the point?), so a hard border is inevitable.

“It’s a tricky one, so it is,” remarked Irish expert Anne Trim. “If we leave, there will be Troubles, if we stay there will be double. There’s always some sort of Clash whenever we hear London calling. Should we stay or should we go? Or just leave us alone, begorrah!”

Johnson wants to eat his cake and have it, but this particular cake was roundly rejected three times. It’s a bit stale now. Why not start all over again?

The new name for No Deal planning is not Operation Yellowhammer, as previously believed. The true name is Operation Yellowbelly.

Yellowbelly reveals that we are looking at three months’ worth of food shortages, fuel shortages and medicine shortages. And this is a conservative estimate, not a Conservative estimate.

Boris Johnson and his acolytes know this, of course, yet still they stick doggedly to their Brexit plan. Except there isn’t a plan, just run down the clock and crash out regardless. Apparently no plan is better than a bad plan.

The People, all of whom definitely voted for this, will suffer. They will starve, be denied essential medication, and be unable to travel to work because the petrol will run out. All so a bunch of very rich people can have another tax break.

Brexiters have given up telling us how great Brexit will be. They have given up saying, it will be tough but we’ll get through it. They have given up saying it must be done to satisfy democracy. It’s do or die. Or, for many of us, do and die.

Doing nothing is the order of the day. No plan means no plan, and big talk and no action is this government’s modus operandi. Let the disaster happen, then blame somebody else and scarper. Let’s just hope nobody notices!

Yellowbelly relies on all the major players being completely chicken. It’s doctrine states that nobody will have the guts to tell it as it is, which is ironic given that so many online Brexit fans claim to do just that. Our goose is cooked, our turkeys can’t wait for Christmas, the fox rules the hen house. What the cluck?

But no plan is what they want. The bigger the crash, the more money our cowardly friends will be able to make from the wreckage. So that’s all right then. Thanks guys.

No coward is better than a bad coward. Who will be brave enough to stop this farce? Answers on a postcard please.