Category: Governing the people

REGIME CHANGE IS GOING OKAY : 10 Downing Street has announced that a familiar face will return to the UK’s television screens soon after Comical Ali agreed to work for Boris Johnson.

“This is a prize catch,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Sean Spicer was initially approached, but he’s busy with existing television commitments.”

It’s thought Comical Ali was also initially averse to involving himself with another cast iron, guaranteed disaster in the making, but the promise of a peerage swayed him.

“He just has to reassure everyone daily that No Deal Brexit will be okay. That it’s all going to plan. That the people support their unelected leader. After October 31st he can kick back in the Lords and do as he likes.”

Of course his first duty will be to explain that asking the Queen to suspend parliament just after MPs have returned from summer recess is perfectly normal.

“This is just the normal functioning of an autocracy with a veneer of democracy slapped on the face of it,” the spokesman said, “although Comical Ali will explain it more amusingly.”

The fact that viewers will be able to watch their institutions of state being torn down behind Comical Ali as he speaks isn’t expected to cause any raised eyebrows.

“Boris Johnson is uniting the country in a way Theresa May could only dream of,” the Downing Street spokesman added, “and each and every day now Comical Ali will be there to tell you it’s all okay.”

But what if he burns out with the workload? He’s not a young man anymore?

“Trump has offered to send over that Huckabee-Sanders woman. And if she won’t do he’ll take over the role personally and talk to the British people directly via Twitter, on Johnson’s behalf.”

Believe in Britain, even if in your imagination it doesn’t work this way.

ABSOLUTE BOLLOCRACY : The aspiring (to) autocracy of Boris Johnson, and chums, have laid down the gauntlet today to MPs by declaring that all laws dating back to 1689 will be repealed.

“That includes the Bill of Rights in 1689 which established the supremacy of parliament over the monarchy,” Doom Cumon, spokesman for 10 Downing Street advised LCD Views, “and the best thing about it is, as we’re taking back control over the chamber of elected representatives, we’re just doing it. But they’ll hear about it when James Cleverly is told to tweet.”

The payoff for MPs will of course be an extended summer recess.

“Like, forever, on full pay with pensions.”

That will certainly get the support of many, not that it matters of course.

“To make the repeal of all laws back to 1689 even more special, we will be doing it live, broadcast on Facepamphlet, with some of our extra special MPs, like DExEU minister, Scan Barcode, repealing laws on camera.”

It’s felt the Lords too will be in on the act.

“Once the Act of Parliament in 1911, which abolished the ability of the House of Lords to veto legislation, is repealed, then the Lords can believe they’re back in control. This is why we’ll stuff it with kippers to ensure they don’t try and control anything. And the Queen will fast regain many powers, which she will be happy to gift to 10 Downing Street, lest we call her a traitor too.”

This is of course all good news for the sovereignty of parliament, and all Britons will be forced by Boris Johnson’s first royal decree to proclaim their support loudly at street parties, with bunting.

“It will mean certain changes to how society functions,” Doom Cumon added, “doffing of caps is back. Rule of thumb? Back. End of universal suffrage. Abolition of all workers rights and a return to full employment for children.”

It’s certain this government, if left to do as it pleases, will make the UK the greatest place to live on earth, for feudal minded, tax hating tyrants. Believe in Britain!

As for those who say that choosing which votes to respect is entirely how a democracy progresses, well, wait for the social media campaign calling you a traitor. In Brexit Britain there’s only one place that’s sovereign, and it’s not parliament.

He bats, he bowls, he fields like a demon – damn it, he could probably sort Brexit with a mighty swish of his dashing willow. Everything points to the fact that Ben Stokes is now The People’s choice as Britain’s prime minister.

He would take over from the honorary president of the Bumbling Old Etonians Cricket Club, Boris ‘Golden Duck’ Johnson. Stokes has just seized a miraculous victory from near certain disaster. Number Ten beckons for England’s Number Five.

“Ben Stokes could sort out Brexit with a stick of rhubarb,” opined Sir Geoffrey Boycott, reverse swept up in the Headingley hysteria. “He would knock Macron, Merkel and Tusk for six, as easily as if they were Australian bowlers!”

Indeed the political team GB needs a miracle of Stokesian proportions. But this near-miraculous victory has given Brexiters hope.

“If Ben Stokes can pull off an impossible victory against the Australians, what can’t he do?” asked a sweaty, drunk but ecstatic man who only gave his name as ‘Brexity McBrexitface’. “The Irish border problem would be hit for six before you could say silly mid-off!”

To be fair, the country is not unanimous in its choice of Ben Stokes. Labour still favour Jeremy Corbyn, although there are mutterings about bringing in Stokes’ staunch ally Jack Leach as the next Labour Leader. Jacob Rees-Mogg naturally favours W. G. Grace.

Former cricketers, and indeed anyone else who remembers the Test Match drama at Edgbaston in 2005, and at Headingley in 1981, are recovering from collective brain orgasm. They are joyously recalling former captain Mike Brearley’s impressive stint as interim prime minister after Margaret Thatcher had to retire hurt in The Falklands.

The massive problem that has stumped finer minds than Johnson’s will now be sorted by a man who can bowl several hundred overs in the sort of 50 degree heat only an English summer can provide, score more often than the current incumbent, and never be caught with sandpaper in his pocket.

At least until 4 September, when Ben Stokes will be required to quit politics and return to test cricket. Play up! Play up! And play the game!

The UK has been given an ultimatum. Within 30 days, it must find a technological solution to Boris Johnson.

Despite this blistering timetable, Britain’s best boffins are on the case. Up and down the length and breadth of Merrie Englande, wannabe Wallaces are dashing to their sheds to find the solution.

LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent met leading inventor and computer nut, Mike Rowe-Chipps.

“I’ve already created a functional prototype,” said Rowe-Chipps excitedly. “I call it Zaphod Bumblebot. Look at this!”

He placed an order for the destruction of the British Isles in front of the android. It seized a pen, and scrawled the salutation ‘Love and kisses, Zaphod’.

“I haven’t quite synchronised the voice yet,” explained Rowe-Chipps, as the robot’s Stephen Hawking-like voice said “Golly goodness! Fibble fabble! What a to-do, old bean!”

Moaning remainers have created their own killjoy creation, codenamed Marvin. Its database is full of comments from Twitter correspondents with ‘FBPE’ in their handle. Its very first words were ‘I think you should know I’m very depressed.’

Paranoid androids apart, the specifications for the Boris bot are extensive. It must be sufficiently different to the obsolete Maybot, which is currently situated in a museum blurting out statements like “Strong and stable!” and “My deal or no deal!” at random intervals.

There are two particular details which Rowe-Chipps and his fellow inventors are finding difficult. That irritating “What the Dickens is going on here?” facial expression, and the tendency to shag any presentable female. “I have to wear a chastity belt whenever Zaphod Bumblebot is turned on,” reflects Rowe-Chipps ruefully.

Experts who have read the relevant documentation have realised that the irresponsible Zaphod is, ultimately, redeemed by the boring Marvin. Their findings have, of course, been dismissed by opinionated government wonks.

Will it work? Possibly not, as it’s probably infinitely improbable.

Schrödinger’s border? Boris Johnson insists the Irish border must remain open and frictionless. Priti Patel insists our borders must close. Make your minds up, folks!

The man in supposed charge is boxed into his corner, and unable to get out due to the weight of bullshit in his way. He has access to a number of tools – none bigger than Dominic Raab – but refuses to dig himself out of trouble.

Raab, meanwhile, will say anything his big boss Boris wants him to, without anything ever passing through his brain. If you need a man to call a spade a f***ing screwdriver, dum dum Dom’s your man.

Priti “Polly” Patel parrots anything the Leave.EU team wants her to. With the old team reunited in Boris’ back room (and his back door, who knows), it is permissible to say any old crap so long as it is sufficiently Brexity.

Dominic Cummings, the evil genius driving the Johnson government, doesn’t give a shit. He just wants enough controversy to keep the lefties arguing while No Deal Brexit happens under their very noses.

Cummings declared that the border paradox was a matter for the Prime Minister to deal with. He granted LCD Views an interview with Boris at any convenient time, so long as Johnson was unavailable.

Brexit will allow the UK to set its own rules, tariffs, customs arrangements etc.. These will be different to the EU’s (otherwise, what’s the point?), so a hard border is inevitable.

“It’s a tricky one, so it is,” remarked Irish expert Anne Trim. “If we leave, there will be Troubles, if we stay there will be double. There’s always some sort of Clash whenever we hear London calling. Should we stay or should we go? Or just leave us alone, begorrah!”

Johnson wants to eat his cake and have it, but this particular cake was roundly rejected three times. It’s a bit stale now. Why not start all over again?

The new name for No Deal planning is not Operation Yellowhammer, as previously believed. The true name is Operation Yellowbelly.

Yellowbelly reveals that we are looking at three months’ worth of food shortages, fuel shortages and medicine shortages. And this is a conservative estimate, not a Conservative estimate.

Boris Johnson and his acolytes know this, of course, yet still they stick doggedly to their Brexit plan. Except there isn’t a plan, just run down the clock and crash out regardless. Apparently no plan is better than a bad plan.

The People, all of whom definitely voted for this, will suffer. They will starve, be denied essential medication, and be unable to travel to work because the petrol will run out. All so a bunch of very rich people can have another tax break.

Brexiters have given up telling us how great Brexit will be. They have given up saying, it will be tough but we’ll get through it. They have given up saying it must be done to satisfy democracy. It’s do or die. Or, for many of us, do and die.

Doing nothing is the order of the day. No plan means no plan, and big talk and no action is this government’s modus operandi. Let the disaster happen, then blame somebody else and scarper. Let’s just hope nobody notices!

Yellowbelly relies on all the major players being completely chicken. It’s doctrine states that nobody will have the guts to tell it as it is, which is ironic given that so many online Brexit fans claim to do just that. Our goose is cooked, our turkeys can’t wait for Christmas, the fox rules the hen house. What the cluck?

But no plan is what they want. The bigger the crash, the more money our cowardly friends will be able to make from the wreckage. So that’s all right then. Thanks guys.

No coward is better than a bad coward. Who will be brave enough to stop this farce? Answers on a postcard please.

I’M NOT A FASCIST GET ME OUT OF HERE : A SHOCK new POLL in THE DAILY REPRESS today reveals INGERLAND to be RIDDLED with people who don’t BELIEVE in BREXSHIT hard ENOUGH.

“It is quite a shock,” a pollster for polling firm, CONres, told LCD Views, “but it helps explain why Brexit isn’t a success yet.”

The presumed talking down of the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS by heretics is the most likely reason for the EU not yet BOWING TO THE DEMANDS of GLOBAL BRITAIN.

“Some say it’s the fact the EU is a rules and treaty based organisation, the only way to get dozens of democracies to work together in a union, and the blatantly inhuman way the British government has threatened the well-being of millions of EU27 CITIZENS OF NOWHERE explains why BRUSSELS HAS NOT BENT THE KNEE. But the poll reveals the reason is FIFTH COLUMNISTS in England itself.”

It’s thought that Brussels has long had a patriotic feeling vibe machine, or PFVM, directed at Blighty, mostly likely on undercover French fishing vessels.

“The lack of purity of essence in millions of people in England is detected by Barnier and he feeds back the results to the EU27 leaders. This has led to an overconfident stance in negotiations so far. It’s definitely not anything to do with all Brexit supporting politicians being complete and total fantasists who couldn’t negotiate their way out of a wet paper bag.”

But clearly the people who will suffer the most once ENGLAND IS FREE AT LAST will be the Scottish.

“They won’t be able to build homes fast enough north of Hadrian’s Wall, if this poll is anything to go by. That’ll learn them. And where will they put the skills, feeling of relief and assets the fleeing non-fascist English will bring with them?”

Ha! They don’t have an answer to that!

Similar polls will be conducted this week in Wales, Northern Ireland and Cornwall. If the results are the same, they’ll also be in trouble of overpopulation once we’ve made a success of Brexit and they’ve gone independent.

Global Britain. So long as the globe is as small as the minds of the politicians driving forward the disaster capitalist project of Brexit, we’ll make a success of it!

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM : The Tory think tank of Irritable Duncan Syndrome have hit another home run today by working out what to do with poor people who want to eat when they’re elderly.

“Don’t pay them till they’re dead,” IDS proudly said, while rubbing wax made from the fat of virgins on his head, “and they have to collect the pension in person or they don’t get it.”

The deeper thinking behind the move is believed to be the continuation of a seriously knotty problem.

“It’s fatter tax havens or poor people being able to enjoy a retirement?” IDS shrugged, “it’s a no brainer.”

IDS is of course famous for the invention of ‘Universal Credit’. A revolution in welfare for which he was awarded the ‘Nosferatu Award for Sucking the Life Out of People’. With the suggestion of raising the pension age to a point post mortem he looks like receiving more plaudits.

LCD Views would like to commend the work of men like IDS. To compensate for his (presumed) private awareness of deep inadequacy, and the twin to that of knowing he only achieved status through a wealthy chumocracy, by punishing poor people with Victorianesque policy, he can rest easy at night believing he’s achieved something all his own.

It’s also an impressive way to repay working class people who bizarrely keep voting for these moral voids and handing them power.

“We’re essentially trolling working class Brexiters,” IDS smirked, “by impoverishing the state via support for the hard right tax dodger’s con of Brexit they have brought this all on themselves. It’s quite a hoot.”

But anyone concerned they won’t enjoy a pension due to declining life expectancy in the post Brexit UK reality, is reminded to take comfort with the knowledge that as they toil through their autumn years, IDS will be sat back, inherited money overflowing, knowing he’s done his bit to improve your character by forcing you to work hard, until you’re dead.

We’re all going on a summer holiday! With Parliament in recess, MPs are Getting On With Brexit by going on their jollies. But one man is unhappy. Dominic Raab is refusing to go to Bath, because he likes a shower of a morning instead.

“I’m always told that I’m a bit of a shower,” says the Secretary for Bloody Forriners. “And it’s true! A good shower washes away all the day’s muck. Politics is a grubby game sometimes, so it’s nice to feel clean and competent!”

Bath gets its name from the ancient Roman baths there. This is another reason not to go, according to our man in the shower cubicle.

“Roman baths? ROMAN?” he exclaims indignantly. “You mean, from the EU? Rome is in France, right? I’m not putting up with any foreign muck!”

Experts confirmed that Rome is indeed in Europe, and that the baths were constructed the last time the EU invaded Britain. That time, the legions swept away years of native inertia, replacing lovely original creaky infrastructure with horribly useful paved roads, mosaics, underfloor heating, decent sewerage, and of course baths.

Other MPs are on holiday too. Boris Johnson is obsessed with Bridge, though he talks a better game than he plays. He challenged Donald Trump to a game. Garden Bridge? enquired the orange numpty. No, Transatlantic Bridge, replied the pink numpty. Trump haggled him down to a round of Snap, which Johnson won by a convincing margin.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Esq is on a modern holiday to 1215. He is very excited. “Magna Carta! It’s the first time The People took back control from the liberal elite!” he said, almost losing that measured tone. “I can’t wait to witness it all over again!”

The previous Minister for Incompetence, Chris Grayling, didn’t manage to sort out a holiday for himself this year, though his constituency office is liberally garlanded with holly. “He’s got the hump,” said his exasperated secretary. “He is going around in a camel costume!”

To Bath, or not to Bath? It just won’t wash.

ABOUT TIME TOO : The United Kingdom has been seen increasingly as a repressive, retrograde, banana republic in recent years, but that’s about to change!

From this Friday the UK is to take part in a limited trial of a new United Nation’s scheme to bring the corporate insanity of hot desking to international governance.

“Theresa May signed the UK up to the trial in the last minutes of her premiership,” UN rapporteur Mr Goode Govern told LCD Views, “and it seems Boris Johnson’s instant clear out of ideologically impure civil servants meant no one told him about it in time to pull out.”

As part of the trial no less than fifty governments around the world will see their top executive figures scramble for the presidency, or premiership, or monarchy of each others’ country as soon as work starts on Friday.

The UK is already slated for the New Zealand premier because organisers of the scheme decided it would be best to rotate a few leaders to start it, lest the collective prove too shy.

“Monday they go again,” the UN figure advised, “although if Ardern enjoyed her long weekend in the UK, you may find she’s at the office early enough to get Downing Street again.”

But supporters of the Johnson government have slammed the trial and threatened to withdraw prematurely. Something Mr Johnson has never before achieved in any endeavour, except ones involving accountability and honesty.

“ Mr Johnson can’t be expected to get out of bed before midday, shower, change, ruffle his hair, boof an unsuspecting posh filly, ruffle his hair some more and get to work early enough to get anything but the least desirable country.”

The UN however is unrepentant.

“We’ve put Donald Trump down to run Saudi Arabia, which should get interesting,” the UN man added, “although we fully expect the Saudis to just dazzle him with that magic light ball they showed him when he visited before. That’s if he gets off the golf course and turns up to work at all.”

How the UK will benefit from having Ms Ardern as prime minister, even temporarily, is apparent.

“After nearly a decade of this toxic regressive Conservatism? Even a long weekend of an actual human in charge of the country will be a tangible relief.”