Category: Governing the people

DIGGING HOLES TO FILL WITH PUBLIC CASH FOREVER : Welcome support today for Secretary of International Trade, Liz Truss, from the calamity king himself.

“As long as Liz Truss is a Minister it’ll feel like I never left,” Chris Grayling told a packed accident and emergency room, “just look at her work with Saudi Arabia? Priceless. I couldn’t have done better myself.”

While long suffering observers of Mr Grayling may quibble with his assertion that he couldn’t have done better in the field of illegal arms sales to Saudi Arabia (we have a few nuclear subs someone could accidentally sell them), Ms Truss does at least offer continuity.

“It’s important to have the impression that every single member of this terminally stupid government is a complete, fucking idiot,” our Westminster watcher said, “it’s important, because based on all available evidence, they are.”

Still, Ms Truss’ little slip of the signature over the arms and equipment to the oil rich kingdom of endless public executions, does take the heat off the photo op she took in Australia.

“The Australian authorities actually had a warrant out for her. Something about imitating a childminder, by giving the impression of a imperial nostalgia drunk muppet down on Sydney Harbour. You must have seen the photo?”

.@trussliz has been in Sydney today, meeting Great British exporters enjoying success in 🇦🇺 and discussing opportunities for Australian firms investing in the UK.@BromptonBicycle @SeedlipDrinks @Diageo_News

Next stop: Canberra#ReadyToTrade pic.twitter.com/Kb411dIjix

— Department for Business and Trade (@biztradegovuk) September 17, 2019

“Someone may have left their children with her and God only knows what calamity would have followed. But they’ve withdrawn the warrant now as she’s promised to promptly leave the country. Before she takes anymore photos and restarts the republican movement.”

All trussed up! Liz Truss, the woman who inadvertently became Trade Secretary after inadvertently submitting her CV to Boris Johnson, has inadvertently revoked Article 50. She had apologised, saying “I don’t know how it happened. Silly me. Oops!”

The gaffe-tastic Truss has been in the ascendant ever since inadvertently joining the Conservative Party. Losing Truss was a shock the Liberal Democrats have never recovered from.

It seems that Truss can’t help herself. For example, she was told how to behave in cabinet meetings. ‘Always laugh at Boris’ little jokes, and never dunk your custard creams.’ Needless to say, Truss emerges from meetings stony faced, and her teacup always contains half a soggy biscuit.

As she approached the higher echelons of power, she was warned not sleep with anyone to enhance her prospects. However sources close to the PM revealed that, during the interview process, Truss inadvertently shagged Dominic Cummings.

So it comes as no surprise that the woman who inadvertently signed off a massive sale of arms to the Saudis with the salutation ‘Love and kisses, Zaphod’ should have accidentally put her name on the wrong piece of paper.

Insiders allege that the PM’s office contains an envelope, containing a blank Article 50 revocation, labelled ‘open in case of emergency’.

Truss had called in to meet Boris, and spotted the envelope while inadvertently giving BJ a BJ. Naturally this was a red tag to a bully, and she managed to sign the document and place it in the PM’s out tray while his attention was elsewhere.

“It was a massive blow,” the PM admitted. “Oh, the revocation, you mean? Well that was a bit of a blow too.”

At least Boris can blame Liz Truss’ inner Lib Dem for the indiscretion.

Unconfirmed rumours state that Truss inadvertently appointed Chris Grayling as her special advisor.

The government is refusing to publish internal No 10 communications, even though parliament voted for it. This is a government which, according to its wisest advisors, does not choose which votes to respect.

“Votes we don’t like don’t count,” explained the government’s cleverest member, James ‘Notso’ Cleverly. “Also, votes by ignorant members of the public are far more important than votes by knowledgeable and frankly annoying members of parliament.”

The brainee member for Braintree believes he is responsible for saying ‘governments don’t choose which votes to respect’. That thought was presumably planted there by Dominic ‘Short’ Cummings, the true source of the quote. The mind games he plays with the Brain of Braintree are just the warm-up to the main act on the bill, Michael Gove.

“We were given a clear instruction by a tiny majority in a rigged referendum,” dribbled Gove. “This means we won, you lost, get over it, suck it up like my drool, and also that anti-Brexit votes and opinions simply don’t count any more. The government is quite within its rights to override parliamentary sovereignty. It’s what we voted for!”

Thank you for clearing that up for us, Michael.

To be fair, the Yellowhammer document has been released, although one section has been blacked out.

“Nobody wants to frighten the plebs at this stage,” wibbled Gove. “That would destroy our position. Can you imagine, telling the great unwashed the truth about Brexit? We can’t be honest with the public in case they finally realise that we have fucked up their lives and their country on purpose.”

The whole system of government is overdue for reform, with an independent watchdog to scrutinise the work of MPs. You could almost hear the sweat breaking out on Cummings’ oversized forehead at the very suggestion, as he sent out another puppet to deny it.

“Westminster is self-regulating!” panted the puppet desperately, vein pulsing in his temple. “Parliament answers to the government, which answers to the PM, who answers to Mr Cummings, who answers to nobody. It’s fine as it is!”

Can’t see a problem there.

Dominic Cummings, the man who put the ‘dick’ into ‘dictator’.

Struggling Soft On Fiscal Crime Minister Boris Johnson has been advised to appear more human by his crack PR team. They have advised him to eat a bacon sandwich in public.

Crack PR team, in the sense of crack cocaine. Theresa May’s government’s slow slide into terminal Brexitaholism has been reflected in Johnson’s kamikaze plunge into No Deal addiction.

Recent gaffes have led the team to a frantic burst of panic. Three lost votes, losing his majority mid-speech, kicking out senior figures who dared to stand up to him, and talking wiff-waffy bollocks surrounded by riot police need to be countered somehow. Play to your strengths, they said. The easy, chummy manner. A clumsy joke and that winning simper. And for goodness’ sake, roll out the lovable buffoon act again.

Eat a bacon sandwich. Pretend you like that revolting red sauce they slather it with. Let some of it drip onto your shirt. Grin sheepishly. Clean up, saying “I love mopping up reds!”

What could possibly go wrong?

No, no, they say, nobody will take pictures of the incident and photoshop them into the Last Supper like they did with that Ed Miliband chap. They only do that to poshos pretending to be lefties.

All PR is good PR, they say, egging him on, especially when the chips are down. Ham it up, and bring home the bacon! Butter them up with a bit of sauce!

Eating greasy food is always guaranteed to generate a bit of press. Remember John Selwyn Gummer persuading his daughter to eat a mad cow burger? Or Theresa May’s chip butty? Yummy.

There is no rasher course for Johnson to take. But what has he got to lose? All his dignity and credibilty are long gone. Why not chomp on comfort food while enraging militant vegans?

Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice. A bacon sandwich with Boris Johnson, or a coalition of quinoa with Jeremy Corbyn?

EMPEROR TYRANNICUS BORISUS : 10 Downing Street already had the gloves off after last night’s mauling in the Commons, but now they’ve moved to tear the skin off their hands as well.

“Mr Johnson will be removing the party whip from the entirety of the Tory Party today and will then govern alone,” a Downing Street source reveals, “it’s a special strategic move on the advice of that master of battle, Short Cummings.”

In order to make the change to constitutional arrangements easy to understand for the general public, the prime minister will also be adopting a new title.

“Emperor. It was focus grouped via phishing campaigns on social media and found to be marginally more palatable than tyrant.”

But critics of the move had pointed out a bit of fudge in the announcement. Perfectly normally for the dynamic duo of Johnson and his master Dom.

“The adoption of the title Emperor won’t actually happen until parliament is prorogued later this month,” our Westminster specialist reveals, “this will cause some serious mistakes for the postal service. People will be incorrectly addressing correspondence to the prime minister from today!”

But there was full support from the Tory MPs who didn’t have the guts to rebel yesterday against food and medicine shortages.

“If it’s good for my career then that’s good enough for me,” said a random MP from a shire somewhere, “who knows, he might make me responsible for the gladiatorial games? I could even end up leading an army to glory in the border wars to come with Scotland? It’s a proper opportunity.”

What the Queen will make of the change isn’t yet clear, as it will presumably raise Mr Johnson over Her Majesty.

“We will have Jacob go up and stretch out on a divan,” the Downing Street source shrugged, “then he’ll lie to her about it and she’ll be none the wiser.”

Ruling by the divine right of Brexit? That’s a dying God he’s pinning his laurel on.

The UK has been offered a stark choice. Chaos or catastrophe. Unbelievably, the latter is the current favourite.

Crime Minister Boris Johnson, or more likely his de facto boss, Dominic “Winter Is” Cummings, has come up with a snappy slogan. Johnson has channelled the clumsy spirit of his predecessor, the piggy porcophile David Cameron.

“Do you want a coalition of chaos with Jeremy Corbyn, or a glorious, glorious fucking apocalypse with me?” Johnson asked, while denying that another election would ever take place while there was breath in his body.

It’s devil or deep blue sea. The People of Britain are buying it, too. Many would rather re-enact the destruction of Atlantis than contemplate having a lefty within 50 yards of Ten Downing Street.

For an election is surely coming, like winter and fuel shortages. The Get Ready For Brexit posters may as well say You’re Going To Have To Vote Again, Suckers.

Cautious citizens are already stocking up on firewood, oven-ready rats, and postal votes for the Conservative Party.

Neither faction has any idea about what is going on. Remainers are too busy saying what they don’t want, and won’t agree how remainy they want to be. Meanwhile the pro-Brexit vote is likely to be ambushed by Nigel “Wrecking Ball” Farage.

It is likely to be the balance of power will be held by crossbenchers. And some of them are very cross indeed.

“I’m not just cross, I’m extremely miffed!” exclaimed independent MP Jack O’Vorltrades. “How dare these irresponsible idiots trash the country for profit! I got so angry, I almost signed an online petition!”

He won’t let power go to his head. “If we win, I’m putting myself forward as a potential Prime Minister,” declared O’Vorltrades. “So long as nobody else wants to do it. It’s exciting, I’ve never mastered anything yet. This could be my big chance!”

Chaos, muddling through and the status quo. Whatever you want.

External inspectors have taken one look at the UK government, and put it straight into Special Measures.

The hurried push for a No Deal Brexit was, in part, a device to evade this inspection. The lurid headlines emanating from the UK persuaded the inspectorate to pay a visit earlier than anticipated. The lead inspector was horrified at what she found.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, and our last inspection was of Hungary,” gasped lead inspector Faye Ling-Grayling. “We have placed the government into Special Measures, and will be replacing the truly inadequate PM and his hopeless team with experienced SuperMinisters.”

The Office for Political and Internal Services Standards (OFPISS) grades administrations on a four point scale, with 1 the best grade and 4 the worst. “In an unprecedented move, we were obliged to award the UK an overall grade of 5,” despaired Ling-Grayling.

The five-star UK is now officially worse than useless, and indeed the worst ever. Worse than the closing days of Nazi Germany (“Grade 3, requires improvement,” claims Ling-Grayling. “They didn’t learn from their mistakes!”) or Caligula’s senate (“ A good, solid 2,” remarks Ling-Grayling. “That horse was dynamite!”).

OFPISS looks at four key areas: Management, Development, Behaviour, and Outcomes. “Management was the worst of the lot,” said Ling-Grayling. “Not an original idea among them, and you can’t trust a word any of them says. It’s like trusting a thief to look after your money. Run a country? I wouldn’t trust them to run a bath.”

Development of inexperienced MPs is simply not happening, which means it receives the most generous grading of the four criteria.

“Behaviour is shocking too,” remarks Ling-Grayling. “In session they all just shout insults at each other. In public they say any old nonsense, not worrying about contradicting themselves. They are unfit for purpose.”

Outcomes is even worse. The UK government has done Ben Stokes in reverse, and seized a highly improbable defeat from the jaws of victory.

There is even talk of OFPISS closing down the government completely, and building a new one somewhere else. Probably in the EU.

GRAB ‘EM BY THE SHIRT AND CURLIES : BORIS JOHNSON’S controller, President Dominic Cummings, has refused to confirm if he’ll allow Johnson a second term as prime minister.

In a fiery exchange late last night Cummings is said to have confronted Johnson over a leaked email that suggested Johnson himself made decisions about his career.

“It was explosive,” a Downing Street aide imaginatively told LCD Views, “the wall paper actually curled up from the skirting boards.”

While Johnson is said to have initially held his ground against the undemocratic, unelected, un-sovereign, recently installed totalitarian ruler of the United Kingdom, it’s believed he soon crumbled when Cummings pulled out the big guns.

“Cummings is said to have threatened to leak to the press the fact Johnson does zero work and spends most of his time evading phone calls from scorned posh, blonde women who believed he wanted to settle down and start a family with them.”

Whether or not Johnson will be allowed to serve a second term is up for debate.

“There’s a beauty parade of hypocrisy going on in the senior ranks of the government,” the aide added, “with pretty much anyone serving as a minister prepared to lie outright to the public to please whoever is funding this wholesale demolition of the UK.”

LCD Views would ask all staff working for Mr Cummings, from Johnson down, to respect their place in the food chain and only speak when spoken to from now on, lest it negatively impacts on their career prospects. Clearly, the welfare of the United Kingdom is so far down the list of priorities as to be invisible. At least until Brexit is delivered and we all spontaneously unite, or self-combust.

SCHOOLBOY PRANK RUNS COUNTRY : NEWS WIRES are humming today with leaked footage from 10 Downing Street which clearly shows a blonde man putting UK democracy into a wheelie bin.

“It’s so blatant, it’s hard to believe your eyes,” a spokesman for Defend Our Democracy said, “he’s blurry, but that’s because of all the hot air swirling about him from some kind of endless fire in his pants. It’s very clear who it is though. And it’s bloody obvious what he’s up to.”

The blonde man himself has not been named, although LCD Views can say with complete authority his nickname is ‘Eton Mess’.

Police are tightlipped over what action will be taken, if any, because these days crimes and misdemeanours by people of high status are apparently labelled ‘political sensitive’.

But a spokesalienfaceeatingandroidliverchurningmonsterfromtheplanetzaaargonworkexperience at 10 Downing Street has this to say,

“Your democracy is not at risk,” which was reassuring, “you will be allowed to vote again, one day, just as soon as we’ve imported a bunch of secondhand electronic voting booths from our friends in the USA, for the Russian to hack.”

Attempts are currently underway to retrieve UK democracy from the bin. Democracy’s current status is believed to be ‘Schrodinger’s Cat’.

REGIME CHANGE IS GOING OKAY : 10 Downing Street has announced that a familiar face will return to the UK’s television screens soon after Comical Ali agreed to work for Boris Johnson.

“This is a prize catch,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Sean Spicer was initially approached, but he’s busy with existing television commitments.”

It’s thought Comical Ali was also initially averse to involving himself with another cast iron, guaranteed disaster in the making, but the promise of a peerage swayed him.

“He just has to reassure everyone daily that No Deal Brexit will be okay. That it’s all going to plan. That the people support their unelected leader. After October 31st he can kick back in the Lords and do as he likes.”

Of course his first duty will be to explain that asking the Queen to suspend parliament just after MPs have returned from summer recess is perfectly normal.

“This is just the normal functioning of an autocracy with a veneer of democracy slapped on the face of it,” the spokesman said, “although Comical Ali will explain it more amusingly.”

The fact that viewers will be able to watch their institutions of state being torn down behind Comical Ali as he speaks isn’t expected to cause any raised eyebrows.

“Boris Johnson is uniting the country in a way Theresa May could only dream of,” the Downing Street spokesman added, “and each and every day now Comical Ali will be there to tell you it’s all okay.”

But what if he burns out with the workload? He’s not a young man anymore?

“Trump has offered to send over that Huckabee-Sanders woman. And if she won’t do he’ll take over the role personally and talk to the British people directly via Twitter, on Johnson’s behalf.”

Believe in Britain, even if in your imagination it doesn’t work this way.