Category: Governing the people

TUNE IN TUNE OUT : BORIS JOHNSON IS SET TO AVOID IMPEACHMENT after accepting a deal to resign as prime minister and renew his flagging entertainment career with a dedicated YouTube channel.

The offer has been made by a cross party coalition of MPs and Lords and will not please many as it means the nagging enquiries into what “technological instruction” actually meant with a pole dancer he helped direct public funds to, may go unanswered.

“It’s a very tempting offer, he would have been foolish to turn it down,” our social media analyst says, “the Lords have arranged for the thousands of bots and trolls that amplify his message to instantly follow the dedicated channel. This will allow him to carry on believing he has popular appeal. Oh, and there will be one real person. Nicky Morgan has agreed to be the first to put a heart emoji on each new broadcast.”

The prolific nature of Mr Johnson’s video output has been a feature of his time as prime minister and has taken the place of any actual governance.

“He just loves pulling his shirt askew and ruffling his hair before delivering a stream of mangled consciousness to the camera,” our analyst continued, “interrupted now and then with the day’s slogan by Dominic “Short” Cummings.”

The channel will begin streaming live just as soon as Mr Johnson can decide on the permanent marketing slogan to scroll across the screen as he stares into camera and pretends to read out questions from pretend fans.

The possibility of a tie up with Donald Trump has been considered, but it’s still up for discussion as it’s not clear he’ll be able to broadcast reliably from the cabin in Siberia he lives in after making a dash to avoid prosecution.

“The title of the first video is at least confirmed,” our analyst completes, “Surrender is my safe word. It’s apparently related to a memory to do with time spent with a model of restraint, who may or may not have been receiving public funds for a tech start up company.”

ONE DAY AT A TIME : Great news for people the wrong side of forty today, born after October 31st, with the announcement from Downing Street that every day after October 31st this year will still be October 31st.

“It’s to ensure we deliver Brexit, do or dead in a ditch, by October 31st,” a DExEU spokesman told LCD Views, “Boris Johnson has today signed an executive order to that effect. You will have noticed that we never said it will be delivered by October 31st 2019? Well, now we are saying it. Because if it’s always October 31st it’s always 2019. This will also likely make 2019 the longest year ever. Which people will like.”

But critics of the plan have cried foul as it clearly will discriminate against people who will not yet have had their birthday, thus leaving them in limbo until the dawn of the October 31st in which Brexit is delivered.

“Well, that’s really only going to upset people who aren’t yet 21. And can they vote? Would they vote Conservative? Very unlikely. So stuff them. Just think of how people the wrong side of forty, fifty or sixty will feel? You’ll never age a day ever again. Bingo!”

But other critics have also weighed in. Most notably the midwifery sector.

“We’ve a lot of births due after October 31st already. Seriously, we’re going to have heavily pregnant women stacked up to the ceilings waiting for their delivery dates to arrive!”

The government however was sanguine.

“Such women can use their E.U. FOM to have those babies on the continent or in Ireland. Then they can bring their babies home to be called traitors. This will align them with over fifty percent of the population that don’t want Brexit. I’d call that a win win.”

To assist people prepare for the change in dates, or more correctly, the failure of the date to change after October 31st, the government will be recalling all 2019 calendars with immediate effect.

“Then we will burn them. Just like the books and the atlases. It will help make a success of Brexit on October 31st, as after it becomes October 31st it will be important that everyone in Britain forgets there was ever a day that wasn’t October 31st. At least until we deliver Brexit. So that’ll be forever.”

It’s like they’ve thought of everything.

SKYSCRAPERS IN THE SUBURBS : Until Housing Minister Robert Jenrick joined the fray of Conservative Party insane policy announcements no one had heard of him. Not even in his own constituency. Not even in his own home. But all that has not changed.

“We’ve all heard the saying ‘An Englishman’s home is his castle’?” Rob begun, announcing the new policy simultaneously in that robust journal of investigative journalism, The Daily Mail, and on Twitter, “well, castles get razed. And some castles get bigger. Your government is committed to the insane asylum. Hang on? Has someone been messing with my notes? Am I over 280 characters yet?”

The new policy, nicknamed by the civil service, ‘Permitted Demolishment’, is aimed at making it easier for people to have larger homes without the tedium of having to move.

“This will ensure our communities stay strong,” Mr Jenrick resumed, “and what’s best it’s not some new red tape nightmare. The choice to demolish your neighbour’s home will be yours. All you’ll need to do is prove you have a better credit score than they do and whacko! Bring in the bulldozers!”

There will be no right to appeal in the new system, as Permitted Demolishment will nest under Permitted Development regulations.

“You will still have to stick to planning rules,” Mr Rob advised, “ie, no Norman castle designs. Just good old fashion English ones as made popular by famous Englishmen of the past like William the Conqueror and his descendants such as Edward 1st. This is an opportunity for lateral extensions to patriot’s homes and I expect 50% of the country to seize on it.”

But critics have been quick to point out what happens to the people whose homes have been demolished? And what happens when neighbours either side of someone both have better credit scores than the neighbour in between them, and both want to demolish the poorer person’s family home?

“This is all to be worked out in the development of the policy,” Mr Jenrick posted a shrug emoji on Twitter, “and it’s perfectly sensible to find the way forward. If two families wish to demolish the home of the neighbour in-between them, they can have a credit score match off to see whose is better and then the family that loses that will have to demolish their own home instead.”

Makes sense. They really have thought this through. It’s not some idiocy like suddenly allowing people to add two storeys to their homes without a right to appeal by their neighbours.

“This will ensure there are no frivolous attempts at demolition. And as to the un-homed? They can apply to rent camping space in what was once their backyard. Permitted Demolishment – if we work together we can build a better Britain.”

THERE IS A TIME TO SOW AND A TIME TO REAP : We’ve all got them. Those leg bones connected to those thigh bones. Those thigh bones connected to those hip bones. Those hip bones connected to those back bones. Why should Boris Johnson be any different?

“Because he’s the prime minister and his every public utterance impacts on the economy and standing of the country?” a Downing Street source supplied the answer, “but don’t tell anyone I said that. And let’s not consider the fresh skeletons he’s presumably jamming in his closet with every private deal struck behind closed doors.”

But it is the skeletons in Boris Johnson’s closet that became the focus after a late night emergency in 10 Downing Street.

“There was quite the raucous,” the source supplied some more, “initially we all thought it must be a technological problem focused on a laptop, but then we saw all these ghoulish skeletons dancing out of the private parts of the residence and down the hall to the PM’s office.”

That must have been scary. What did they do when they got there?

“Mostly just took up positions around the desk and stared at it,” the source said, “the Acuri scandal. The alleged short selling scandal. The garden bridge scandal. The beat up a journalist scandal. Clearly we have names for some of the spectres. And there’s a fair few that haven’t been named yet which went for a walk last night.”

What did you all do?

“We called the Ghostbusters. They arrived promptly enough, but declared there wasn’t a public service in forcing all those skeletons back into the closet.”

Did you call the male or female ghostbusters?

“Which will wind up the gammon more?”

The ladies of course.

“That’s the team we called. But apart from suggesting the skeletons go back to playing sardines in Mr Johnson’s closet, I can’t think what we’ll do?”

Hope to win a landslide GE so you have enough MPs so none of it matters?

“Ha! In our dreams.”

And in our nightmares.

“We’re just going to have to watch them dance now, in public, and hope we can survive it.”

Good luck. It’s a graveyard’s worth of bones.

“Yes, but let me correct you on one thing. Not everyone has a back bone connected to their hip bone. Not everyone has a back bone. Just look at the Tory MPs still sitting alongside Mr Johnson.”

Dem bones, dem bones, gonna walk around…now hear the words of the law…

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : The United Kingdom is at risk of spontaneous street parties today as the reality of having a ‘strong man’ as prime minister sinks in.

“It’s not just the PM who is strong,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “let me tell you, I’ve just got to say, his special advisor is strong too. Like Heracles strong. And smart. Real, real smart. Probably the smartest man in Britain, if not the world.”

The dawning realisation of what it is like to live in a one party state with a father figure as leader has been sinking in, perhaps too slowly, for some weeks.

“It’s sped up, the sinking feeling, since the Supreme Court judgement,” the source continued, “not knowing whether or not the executive will obey the law? That’s a fresh sensation for the UK. So too the subtle and nuanced messages about MPs voting the right way to feel safe. You know what to do MPs!”

And all this with a minority government. It almost beggars belief.

“It beggars credibility too. I wonder just how many billions are riding on the strongman remaining strong? No surrender! There’s a currency to crash. Do or die is starting to take on some interesting implications.”

How long the strongman will continue to be in position, if not really power, is a new question too.

“Well, if we get the bullying right, potentially forever. You know the blueprint. Democratically elected. Hold a dodgy referendum. Use that criminally procured result as a mandate to defend the chosen people against enemies, internal and external. Next stop is palaces and as much gold as you can eat. You don’t get that sort of governance with girlyswots!”

But what will happen if the streets of the country are filled with spontaneous street parties?

“The Civil Contingencies Act is what. At least that’s what we strongmen plan.”

Interesting to know. Perhaps the girlyswots might like to democratically remove the strongman from government? Sooner, rather than later…

“No time like the present.”

There certainly isn’t.

DIGGING HOLES TO FILL WITH PUBLIC CASH FOREVER : Welcome support today for Secretary of International Trade, Liz Truss, from the calamity king himself.

“As long as Liz Truss is a Minister it’ll feel like I never left,” Chris Grayling told a packed accident and emergency room, “just look at her work with Saudi Arabia? Priceless. I couldn’t have done better myself.”

While long suffering observers of Mr Grayling may quibble with his assertion that he couldn’t have done better in the field of illegal arms sales to Saudi Arabia (we have a few nuclear subs someone could accidentally sell them), Ms Truss does at least offer continuity.

“It’s important to have the impression that every single member of this terminally stupid government is a complete, fucking idiot,” our Westminster watcher said, “it’s important, because based on all available evidence, they are.”

Still, Ms Truss’ little slip of the signature over the arms and equipment to the oil rich kingdom of endless public executions, does take the heat off the photo op she took in Australia.

“The Australian authorities actually had a warrant out for her. Something about imitating a childminder, by giving the impression of a imperial nostalgia drunk muppet down on Sydney Harbour. You must have seen the photo?”

.@trussliz has been in Sydney today, meeting Great British exporters enjoying success in 🇦🇺 and discussing opportunities for Australian firms investing in the UK.@BromptonBicycle @SeedlipDrinks @Diageo_News

Next stop: Canberra#ReadyToTrade pic.twitter.com/Kb411dIjix

— Department for Business and Trade (@biztradegovuk) September 17, 2019

“Someone may have left their children with her and God only knows what calamity would have followed. But they’ve withdrawn the warrant now as she’s promised to promptly leave the country. Before she takes anymore photos and restarts the republican movement.”

All trussed up! Liz Truss, the woman who inadvertently became Trade Secretary after inadvertently submitting her CV to Boris Johnson, has inadvertently revoked Article 50. She had apologised, saying “I don’t know how it happened. Silly me. Oops!”

The gaffe-tastic Truss has been in the ascendant ever since inadvertently joining the Conservative Party. Losing Truss was a shock the Liberal Democrats have never recovered from.

It seems that Truss can’t help herself. For example, she was told how to behave in cabinet meetings. ‘Always laugh at Boris’ little jokes, and never dunk your custard creams.’ Needless to say, Truss emerges from meetings stony faced, and her teacup always contains half a soggy biscuit.

As she approached the higher echelons of power, she was warned not sleep with anyone to enhance her prospects. However sources close to the PM revealed that, during the interview process, Truss inadvertently shagged Dominic Cummings.

So it comes as no surprise that the woman who inadvertently signed off a massive sale of arms to the Saudis with the salutation ‘Love and kisses, Zaphod’ should have accidentally put her name on the wrong piece of paper.

Insiders allege that the PM’s office contains an envelope, containing a blank Article 50 revocation, labelled ‘open in case of emergency’.

Truss had called in to meet Boris, and spotted the envelope while inadvertently giving BJ a BJ. Naturally this was a red tag to a bully, and she managed to sign the document and place it in the PM’s out tray while his attention was elsewhere.

“It was a massive blow,” the PM admitted. “Oh, the revocation, you mean? Well that was a bit of a blow too.”

At least Boris can blame Liz Truss’ inner Lib Dem for the indiscretion.

Unconfirmed rumours state that Truss inadvertently appointed Chris Grayling as her special advisor.

The government is refusing to publish internal No 10 communications, even though parliament voted for it. This is a government which, according to its wisest advisors, does not choose which votes to respect.

“Votes we don’t like don’t count,” explained the government’s cleverest member, James ‘Notso’ Cleverly. “Also, votes by ignorant members of the public are far more important than votes by knowledgeable and frankly annoying members of parliament.”

The brainee member for Braintree believes he is responsible for saying ‘governments don’t choose which votes to respect’. That thought was presumably planted there by Dominic ‘Short’ Cummings, the true source of the quote. The mind games he plays with the Brain of Braintree are just the warm-up to the main act on the bill, Michael Gove.

“We were given a clear instruction by a tiny majority in a rigged referendum,” dribbled Gove. “This means we won, you lost, get over it, suck it up like my drool, and also that anti-Brexit votes and opinions simply don’t count any more. The government is quite within its rights to override parliamentary sovereignty. It’s what we voted for!”

Thank you for clearing that up for us, Michael.

To be fair, the Yellowhammer document has been released, although one section has been blacked out.

“Nobody wants to frighten the plebs at this stage,” wibbled Gove. “That would destroy our position. Can you imagine, telling the great unwashed the truth about Brexit? We can’t be honest with the public in case they finally realise that we have fucked up their lives and their country on purpose.”

The whole system of government is overdue for reform, with an independent watchdog to scrutinise the work of MPs. You could almost hear the sweat breaking out on Cummings’ oversized forehead at the very suggestion, as he sent out another puppet to deny it.

“Westminster is self-regulating!” panted the puppet desperately, vein pulsing in his temple. “Parliament answers to the government, which answers to the PM, who answers to Mr Cummings, who answers to nobody. It’s fine as it is!”

Can’t see a problem there.

Dominic Cummings, the man who put the ‘dick’ into ‘dictator’.

Struggling Soft On Fiscal Crime Minister Boris Johnson has been advised to appear more human by his crack PR team. They have advised him to eat a bacon sandwich in public.

Crack PR team, in the sense of crack cocaine. Theresa May’s government’s slow slide into terminal Brexitaholism has been reflected in Johnson’s kamikaze plunge into No Deal addiction.

Recent gaffes have led the team to a frantic burst of panic. Three lost votes, losing his majority mid-speech, kicking out senior figures who dared to stand up to him, and talking wiff-waffy bollocks surrounded by riot police need to be countered somehow. Play to your strengths, they said. The easy, chummy manner. A clumsy joke and that winning simper. And for goodness’ sake, roll out the lovable buffoon act again.

Eat a bacon sandwich. Pretend you like that revolting red sauce they slather it with. Let some of it drip onto your shirt. Grin sheepishly. Clean up, saying “I love mopping up reds!”

What could possibly go wrong?

No, no, they say, nobody will take pictures of the incident and photoshop them into the Last Supper like they did with that Ed Miliband chap. They only do that to poshos pretending to be lefties.

All PR is good PR, they say, egging him on, especially when the chips are down. Ham it up, and bring home the bacon! Butter them up with a bit of sauce!

Eating greasy food is always guaranteed to generate a bit of press. Remember John Selwyn Gummer persuading his daughter to eat a mad cow burger? Or Theresa May’s chip butty? Yummy.

There is no rasher course for Johnson to take. But what has he got to lose? All his dignity and credibilty are long gone. Why not chomp on comfort food while enraging militant vegans?

Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice. A bacon sandwich with Boris Johnson, or a coalition of quinoa with Jeremy Corbyn?

EMPEROR TYRANNICUS BORISUS : 10 Downing Street already had the gloves off after last night’s mauling in the Commons, but now they’ve moved to tear the skin off their hands as well.

“Mr Johnson will be removing the party whip from the entirety of the Tory Party today and will then govern alone,” a Downing Street source reveals, “it’s a special strategic move on the advice of that master of battle, Short Cummings.”

In order to make the change to constitutional arrangements easy to understand for the general public, the prime minister will also be adopting a new title.

“Emperor. It was focus grouped via phishing campaigns on social media and found to be marginally more palatable than tyrant.”

But critics of the move had pointed out a bit of fudge in the announcement. Perfectly normally for the dynamic duo of Johnson and his master Dom.

“The adoption of the title Emperor won’t actually happen until parliament is prorogued later this month,” our Westminster specialist reveals, “this will cause some serious mistakes for the postal service. People will be incorrectly addressing correspondence to the prime minister from today!”

But there was full support from the Tory MPs who didn’t have the guts to rebel yesterday against food and medicine shortages.

“If it’s good for my career then that’s good enough for me,” said a random MP from a shire somewhere, “who knows, he might make me responsible for the gladiatorial games? I could even end up leading an army to glory in the border wars to come with Scotland? It’s a proper opportunity.”

What the Queen will make of the change isn’t yet clear, as it will presumably raise Mr Johnson over Her Majesty.

“We will have Jacob go up and stretch out on a divan,” the Downing Street source shrugged, “then he’ll lie to her about it and she’ll be none the wiser.”

Ruling by the divine right of Brexit? That’s a dying God he’s pinning his laurel on.