Category: Governing the people

THIS CABINET WILL EAT THEMSELVES : The Police are feeling the impact of a decade’s cuts more than usual today after Home Office Secretary, and former advocate of bringing back capital punishment, Priti Patel, ordered all vegetables in the UK placed under house arrest.

Well, that was a first in a long journalistic career. I just filmed police on Oxford Street arrest an ⁦@XRebellionUK⁩ protester dressed like broccoli. As they cuffed him, he cried “Free the pea!” and held aloft a floret of broccoli like it was the liberty torch. pic.twitter.com/f5KQJqMHjH

— Andrew RC Marshall (@Journotopia) October 13, 2019

The disgraced former Secretary for International Development, who had to resign under May for attempting to secretly send overseas aid money to a foreign military, took the extreme decision because of vegetables invading central London to protest against the looming extinction of life on Earth.

“Carrots, broccoli (clearly), potatoes and other vegetables are finding themselves confined to fridge vegetable drawers today and guarded by a member of the Met,” a spokesprout for Ms Patel reassured the public, “this is to protect the public from raising awareness of the preventable mass extinction scheduled for this century.”

Clearly red faced chunks of gammon will still be free to barge about the capital, raising their hands in flat palmed salutes and threatening violence to anti-Brexit protestors. As that is acceptable to the rogue, minority government of Mr Johnson and chums.

Plans are also in place to outlaw the carrying of asparagus spears in public on grounds of public safety.

“If you ever wondered why Ms Patel always has that malevolent smirk fixed to her face, now you know. Her childhood dream of running a police state and arresting people exercising their right to protest is now coming true.”

But the order has had some unintended consequences.

A meeting of the governing cabinet, scheduled for today, had to be postponed after half the ministers failed to turn up.

“They have been located inside fridge drawers and will be freed as quickly as Ms Patel is able to stop smirking about it.”

Members of the cabinet identified as gammon were in attendance and feeling much safer in the awareness that all pineapples were confined to their homes.

In unrelated news, everyone is really relaxed about opposition parties complacency regarding bringing Johnson down and forming a GNU now that the streets are safe from the threat of brassicaceae…

SO YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION : Lifelong Europhile and all round fan of freedom of movement and the single market, multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, has allowed release yesterday of two key pillars in his plan to achieve a long held goal.

“It’s the bull’s horns of electoral triangulation,” an occasional observer of the LOTO said, while bracing for incoming fire,

“to have released on the same day you’ll stand down if you lose the next GE, thus making masses of swing voters wonder what’s the point? Do you really want it?

“Alongside the voters that actually want you to bugger off and Labour have a broadly electable leader, thus giving them a solid reason to vote Green, Libdem, Plaid or SNP?

“While also teasing your fans, some of whom maybe wavering, with the knowledge this is your last shot to elect the messiah…so you better do it?”

No one will have any idea what to think and everyone will argue over their interpretations of the information, which will presumably be modified or contradicted by other sources.

“It’s very clever. It’s divisive. Getting those that think no blame can ever be attached to you arguing with those that think the presumed PM in waiting should be able to stand critique? Genius. It keeps the never ending sense of struggle never ending.”

Potentially unhelpful in broader terms though.

“In what? This is about defending the 99% against the 1%.”

Ah, I’m too cynical. What was the other horn?

“That’s to release details of where you’ll be on the 19th October, potentially one of the most explosive days in UK politics for a generation? That’s a masterclass of deflection from your real objective of getting a sensible Brexit achieved, while getting to blame it all on the Tories.”

But he will be in Westminster on the 19th.

“For a bit before apparently buggering off to hold a rally in Liverpool the same afternoon. Parliamentary business won’t take long if Johnson brings back a deal from the EU leaders summit. How dare you question the leader! You Tory shill!”

Um. Parliamentary business maybe all day and night…unless this whole article is rendered largely obsolete by the opposition parties coordinating to stitch up Johnson with his bogus Queen’s Speech this week.

“Ah. Yes. Let’s hope they’re planning to do that. I’m sure they’re all going to stop their GE positioning long enough to do that.”

But you know how you can totally destroy the Tories and prove Jezza wants to be PM?

“How?”

By fighting them where they’re weakest. Fight them on Brexit. The hard right, tax dodger’s charter promising a demolished economy and shredded worker’s protections while also isolating the country, dismembering it region by region and emboldening the far right. As it’s plain as the nose on your face after several years, there is no ‘Sensible Brexit’, just like there wasn’t a ‘Jobs First Brexit’.

“Oh, we will do anything to defeat the 1%, but we won’t do that.”

STRONG MEN : Nigel Farage has involved himself in the endless negotiations between opposition parties over who should be the UK’s caretaker PM.

“Why shouldn’t a limited company have a say? It would be undemocratic not to let a limited company without a manifesto decide something as important as this,” the sole member of the Brexit Party stated, “we need someone who really believes in Brexit. So I’m nominating a well known Russian friend of Britain.”

Quite what the other politicians involved in negotiations will make of Farage’s pick remains to be seen.

“You’ve all heard the stories of figures closely linked to numerous Tory MPs having their pockets shoved full with Russian cash. And MPs having their pockets shoved full by friends of the regime. I expect those Tory MPs to vote as expected. So that’s near a majority.”

It’s fair to say that in many ways Farage’s pick isn’t a surprise. The Russian leader is high on the list of who benefits most from Brexit, regardless of what he may or may not have done to help in the referendum.

But some have expressed surprise that Mr Farage didn’t nominate himself, as you don’t have to be an MP to do it.

“No. No. Now that wouldn’t suit me at all,” he responded, “I’d have to actually do some work. You know, turn up for the paycheque. Well, actually, looking at Mr Johnson’s activities since becoming PM they may not be entirely correct. But it’s still too great a risk. Better it someone else. I don’t want to have to cut down on my rabble rousing just because there’s been a flood in Kent.”

Maybe the guy dressed as a dolphin, that famously beat Farage in a GE, would be a better pick?

Or Lord Buckethead.

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : David Cameron, Jacob Rees-mogg, Theresa May. Daniel Hannan, Liam Fox, Priti Patel, David Davis and Dominic Raab are said to be fuming tonight after being excluded from a list of people not responsible for the mess that is Brexit.

“David and Theresa, both David’s, are especially peeved as they washed their hands of the entire debacle and walked away. Thus it can’t be their fault in anyway that the UK is currently a massive bin fire as a result of some idiots pursuing Brexit,” a source inside the government said.

But it’s not only Tories that are upset.

Several in the Labour leadership, and on the front bench, are also put out.

“Look, look, multi-millionaire, career politician Jeremy Corbyn didn’t call for the immediate triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016 just to be ignored.”

Fair, but controversial play.

“Surprisingly for an MP who’s been in the House of Commons for nearly four decades, he’s managed to make bugger all impact on the legislature. Brexit is his chance. That’s why he whipped to trigger Article 50, after the courts had ruled parliament had to be involved. And also whipped to help defeat the SNP amendment earlier this year that would have ruled out any chance of a No Deal Brexit. He needs to be recognised. It’s plainly baffling why some yellow Tories, Labour MPs and actual Tories won’t back him as caretaker PM. What with his strong record of opposing the government on Brexit.”

And the fury at being excluded extends to business.

“Tim Martin is said to be gammon red at not being on the list. As he’s only a pub landlord he’s got nothing to do with Brexit politics. Neither James Dyson or that Brexit pushing billionaire which owns INEOS who recently offshored.”

But while the controversy of whose fault the mess definitely isn’t is certain to be vigorous, at least we can all rest peacefully knowing that Prime Minister and his pal Gove are not in anyway to blame.

“It was the Germans. The Irish. That Polish guy remainers adore. All them. And the millions protesting who’ve been saying stop it before it’s too late. It’s their fault. Not the actual members of Parliament and public figures pursuing it.”

MOVE ALONG PLEASE NOTHING TO SEE HERE : DEFRA junior minister, Harris Fulblewn Creton, MP for Window Steam, has chosen an idyllic Kent location for a late afternoon spot of dogging with his pet schnauzer Karperk. The outing is to prove No Deal Brexit won’t cause dogging queues in Kent. In spite of some reports in the newspapers.

“I’ve been here for a full hour and no one has complained about me walking Karperk, even though I have him on a leash,” Mr Creton told LCD Views, “which is encouraging. This area voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU in 2016. I’d expected it to be a bit touch and go if I hung around here for long. People might not like me taking a German breed of dog dogging. But so far it’s been plain sailing. Much as I expect No Deal Brexit will be as easy as eating a muffin in the countryside.”

But Mr Fulblewn Creton isn’t just taking Karperk for a normal walk.

“Language is a funny old thing,” he muses, as a car pulls close, slows down, but then rapidly drives away, “it’s always changing. When I was a boy walking your dog was called ‘going to see a man about a dog’. My father used to say it all the time. I was always confused though, as he never came home with a dog, just the one he took out with him? And he always smelt a bit sweaty. Feminine. Faintly of cheap perfume. Exercise does different things to different people of course. Biochemistry and all that jazz. Now it’s called dogging. But all you’re doing is engaging in a zesty, outdoors activity with man’s best friend. And you never know who you will meet.”

With the sun setting on the horizon Mr Creton paused, put his hands on his hips and brought his knees in tight. Next he did a pelvic thrust.

“It really drives me insane,” he commented, “my lower back. I have exercises I need to do. Like this.”

More thrusting.

A 1978 white Ford Cortina entered the carpark, slowed down, and then crawled over to park alongside Mr Creton. The lady occupant was smoking and even with the window wound down a few inches, it wasn’t entirely clear who she was, or indeed, what she wanted.

“Oi, you’re my MP. Cretin?”

“Creton. It’s not a French name. Don’t worry. And my dog, he is a schnauzer but he was bred right here in Kent.”

“What are you doing hanging about this carpark? You looking to hold an intimate surgery with a constituent?” The question was asked in a tone that can only be described as sleazy.

“I’m here to prove that dogging won’t be a problem in Kent in the event of No Deal Brexit. We’re even going to place a billboard right here to prove it won’t cause any tailbacks.”

“And what will the billboard say?” she asked, winding the window down further, the better to tap ash off her cigarette.

“Dogging for Britain! It’s something everyone can be proud of.”

“You’re my sort of fellow. Fancy a lift?”

“How far are we going?” Mr Creton asked.

“Just to the other side of the carpark you turkey.”

And with that Mr Creton got inside and our intrepid reporters beat a hasty retreat.

TUNE IN TUNE OUT : BORIS JOHNSON IS SET TO AVOID IMPEACHMENT after accepting a deal to resign as prime minister and renew his flagging entertainment career with a dedicated YouTube channel.

The offer has been made by a cross party coalition of MPs and Lords and will not please many as it means the nagging enquiries into what “technological instruction” actually meant with a pole dancer he helped direct public funds to, may go unanswered.

“It’s a very tempting offer, he would have been foolish to turn it down,” our social media analyst says, “the Lords have arranged for the thousands of bots and trolls that amplify his message to instantly follow the dedicated channel. This will allow him to carry on believing he has popular appeal. Oh, and there will be one real person. Nicky Morgan has agreed to be the first to put a heart emoji on each new broadcast.”

The prolific nature of Mr Johnson’s video output has been a feature of his time as prime minister and has taken the place of any actual governance.

“He just loves pulling his shirt askew and ruffling his hair before delivering a stream of mangled consciousness to the camera,” our analyst continued, “interrupted now and then with the day’s slogan by Dominic “Short” Cummings.”

The channel will begin streaming live just as soon as Mr Johnson can decide on the permanent marketing slogan to scroll across the screen as he stares into camera and pretends to read out questions from pretend fans.

The possibility of a tie up with Donald Trump has been considered, but it’s still up for discussion as it’s not clear he’ll be able to broadcast reliably from the cabin in Siberia he lives in after making a dash to avoid prosecution.

“The title of the first video is at least confirmed,” our analyst completes, “Surrender is my safe word. It’s apparently related to a memory to do with time spent with a model of restraint, who may or may not have been receiving public funds for a tech start up company.”

ONE DAY AT A TIME : Great news for people the wrong side of forty today, born after October 31st, with the announcement from Downing Street that every day after October 31st this year will still be October 31st.

“It’s to ensure we deliver Brexit, do or dead in a ditch, by October 31st,” a DExEU spokesman told LCD Views, “Boris Johnson has today signed an executive order to that effect. You will have noticed that we never said it will be delivered by October 31st 2019? Well, now we are saying it. Because if it’s always October 31st it’s always 2019. This will also likely make 2019 the longest year ever. Which people will like.”

But critics of the plan have cried foul as it clearly will discriminate against people who will not yet have had their birthday, thus leaving them in limbo until the dawn of the October 31st in which Brexit is delivered.

“Well, that’s really only going to upset people who aren’t yet 21. And can they vote? Would they vote Conservative? Very unlikely. So stuff them. Just think of how people the wrong side of forty, fifty or sixty will feel? You’ll never age a day ever again. Bingo!”

But other critics have also weighed in. Most notably the midwifery sector.

“We’ve a lot of births due after October 31st already. Seriously, we’re going to have heavily pregnant women stacked up to the ceilings waiting for their delivery dates to arrive!”

The government however was sanguine.

“Such women can use their E.U. FOM to have those babies on the continent or in Ireland. Then they can bring their babies home to be called traitors. This will align them with over fifty percent of the population that don’t want Brexit. I’d call that a win win.”

To assist people prepare for the change in dates, or more correctly, the failure of the date to change after October 31st, the government will be recalling all 2019 calendars with immediate effect.

“Then we will burn them. Just like the books and the atlases. It will help make a success of Brexit on October 31st, as after it becomes October 31st it will be important that everyone in Britain forgets there was ever a day that wasn’t October 31st. At least until we deliver Brexit. So that’ll be forever.”

It’s like they’ve thought of everything.

SKYSCRAPERS IN THE SUBURBS : Until Housing Minister Robert Jenrick joined the fray of Conservative Party insane policy announcements no one had heard of him. Not even in his own constituency. Not even in his own home. But all that has not changed.

“We’ve all heard the saying ‘An Englishman’s home is his castle’?” Rob begun, announcing the new policy simultaneously in that robust journal of investigative journalism, The Daily Mail, and on Twitter, “well, castles get razed. And some castles get bigger. Your government is committed to the insane asylum. Hang on? Has someone been messing with my notes? Am I over 280 characters yet?”

The new policy, nicknamed by the civil service, ‘Permitted Demolishment’, is aimed at making it easier for people to have larger homes without the tedium of having to move.

“This will ensure our communities stay strong,” Mr Jenrick resumed, “and what’s best it’s not some new red tape nightmare. The choice to demolish your neighbour’s home will be yours. All you’ll need to do is prove you have a better credit score than they do and whacko! Bring in the bulldozers!”

There will be no right to appeal in the new system, as Permitted Demolishment will nest under Permitted Development regulations.

“You will still have to stick to planning rules,” Mr Rob advised, “ie, no Norman castle designs. Just good old fashion English ones as made popular by famous Englishmen of the past like William the Conqueror and his descendants such as Edward 1st. This is an opportunity for lateral extensions to patriot’s homes and I expect 50% of the country to seize on it.”

But critics have been quick to point out what happens to the people whose homes have been demolished? And what happens when neighbours either side of someone both have better credit scores than the neighbour in between them, and both want to demolish the poorer person’s family home?

“This is all to be worked out in the development of the policy,” Mr Jenrick posted a shrug emoji on Twitter, “and it’s perfectly sensible to find the way forward. If two families wish to demolish the home of the neighbour in-between them, they can have a credit score match off to see whose is better and then the family that loses that will have to demolish their own home instead.”

Makes sense. They really have thought this through. It’s not some idiocy like suddenly allowing people to add two storeys to their homes without a right to appeal by their neighbours.

“This will ensure there are no frivolous attempts at demolition. And as to the un-homed? They can apply to rent camping space in what was once their backyard. Permitted Demolishment – if we work together we can build a better Britain.”

THERE IS A TIME TO SOW AND A TIME TO REAP : We’ve all got them. Those leg bones connected to those thigh bones. Those thigh bones connected to those hip bones. Those hip bones connected to those back bones. Why should Boris Johnson be any different?

“Because he’s the prime minister and his every public utterance impacts on the economy and standing of the country?” a Downing Street source supplied the answer, “but don’t tell anyone I said that. And let’s not consider the fresh skeletons he’s presumably jamming in his closet with every private deal struck behind closed doors.”

But it is the skeletons in Boris Johnson’s closet that became the focus after a late night emergency in 10 Downing Street.

“There was quite the raucous,” the source supplied some more, “initially we all thought it must be a technological problem focused on a laptop, but then we saw all these ghoulish skeletons dancing out of the private parts of the residence and down the hall to the PM’s office.”

That must have been scary. What did they do when they got there?

“Mostly just took up positions around the desk and stared at it,” the source said, “the Acuri scandal. The alleged short selling scandal. The garden bridge scandal. The beat up a journalist scandal. Clearly we have names for some of the spectres. And there’s a fair few that haven’t been named yet which went for a walk last night.”

What did you all do?

“We called the Ghostbusters. They arrived promptly enough, but declared there wasn’t a public service in forcing all those skeletons back into the closet.”

Did you call the male or female ghostbusters?

“Which will wind up the gammon more?”

The ladies of course.

“That’s the team we called. But apart from suggesting the skeletons go back to playing sardines in Mr Johnson’s closet, I can’t think what we’ll do?”

Hope to win a landslide GE so you have enough MPs so none of it matters?

“Ha! In our dreams.”

And in our nightmares.

“We’re just going to have to watch them dance now, in public, and hope we can survive it.”

Good luck. It’s a graveyard’s worth of bones.

“Yes, but let me correct you on one thing. Not everyone has a back bone connected to their hip bone. Not everyone has a back bone. Just look at the Tory MPs still sitting alongside Mr Johnson.”

Dem bones, dem bones, gonna walk around…now hear the words of the law…

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : The United Kingdom is at risk of spontaneous street parties today as the reality of having a ‘strong man’ as prime minister sinks in.

“It’s not just the PM who is strong,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “let me tell you, I’ve just got to say, his special advisor is strong too. Like Heracles strong. And smart. Real, real smart. Probably the smartest man in Britain, if not the world.”

The dawning realisation of what it is like to live in a one party state with a father figure as leader has been sinking in, perhaps too slowly, for some weeks.

“It’s sped up, the sinking feeling, since the Supreme Court judgement,” the source continued, “not knowing whether or not the executive will obey the law? That’s a fresh sensation for the UK. So too the subtle and nuanced messages about MPs voting the right way to feel safe. You know what to do MPs!”

And all this with a minority government. It almost beggars belief.

“It beggars credibility too. I wonder just how many billions are riding on the strongman remaining strong? No surrender! There’s a currency to crash. Do or die is starting to take on some interesting implications.”

How long the strongman will continue to be in position, if not really power, is a new question too.

“Well, if we get the bullying right, potentially forever. You know the blueprint. Democratically elected. Hold a dodgy referendum. Use that criminally procured result as a mandate to defend the chosen people against enemies, internal and external. Next stop is palaces and as much gold as you can eat. You don’t get that sort of governance with girlyswots!”

But what will happen if the streets of the country are filled with spontaneous street parties?

“The Civil Contingencies Act is what. At least that’s what we strongmen plan.”

Interesting to know. Perhaps the girlyswots might like to democratically remove the strongman from government? Sooner, rather than later…

“No time like the present.”

There certainly isn’t.