Category: Governing the people

BROKE BACK SERFING : Downing Street has relented to pressure and belatedly published an economic assessment of the new Brexit deal struck between Boris Johnson grabbing his ankles and the EU.

The deal shows that like all Brexit’s Boris Johnson’s ‘oven ready’ Brexit will lead to a boom in the agricultural sector of a kind not seen since the Middle Ages.

“And no one will be left out,” a spokesman said on publication of the report, “not the middle aged, not the reception aged child and not the OAP who wanted a way to payback all they’ve taken from society.”

The key benefits of the deal appear to be full employment within the UK, at least until its inevitable breakdown into its constituent parts.

“There will still be full employment within England’s strong borders after the formation of the Celtic Republic of Nations sees England free to realise its potential,” the spokesman added, “not a field left without turning. And to ensure people are happy in their work, they will be assigned to newly collectivised farms under the stewardship of Tory MPs. This way both Brexit and Lexit will be fulfilled. We expect to call it Blexit.”

But not everyone is impressed.

Speaking on behalf of historical re-creationists a red faced man in a set of tights gave the general view.

“The report is succinct, I’ll give them that,” Hobin Rood commented, “being just an A4 print out of a free to use image off google showing medieval fieldworkers. But the appearance of Jacob Rees-mogg in a non-prone posture takes dramatic licence too far for our liking.”

But then there’s always critics of a great leap forward, isn’t there.

Get ready to serf and serf some more Global Britons, and we don’t mean somewhere in the Mediterranean or Adriatic, your freedom of movement in the future will be much more domestic.

AFFECTION ABUSED FIRST CURDLES TO DISDAIN AND THEN INTO HATE : The alleged criminal conspiracy behind outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s re-election campaign has changed tack today after the flood of despair up north.

“No more contemporary Boris, that’s certain,” a source inside the mob told LCD Views, on condition of a threatened kneecapping, “just old footage from his golden era. Have I Got News For You. Early years. Prime time. The launch of his career as celebrity politician. The BBC have offered to assist in the strategy by accidentally using the footage day in and day out until December 11th.”

The move is clever, clearly, simple, simplistically simple, so simple Boris Johnson can’t fail to land the lines, because he’s already delivered them and they were largely written by others.

“We’ll be doubling down on it too by casting an unknown actor to play Boris as he was back in the noughties. So if there are any accidental public appearances ‘Boris’ won’t try and include any off colour jokes dressed up as classical references. That’s right out.”

But while the thinking behind the new play is clearly sound, members of the public will still be asked to help out.

“Cheer mostly. Whenever you see the archive footage pop up, start clapping. And interact with the social media bots who are the meat and gristle of our online campaign. Let us data harvest you too. Stop signing petitions calling for the publication of the Russian interference report. That’s a given. And pressure the Beeb to do its part.”

Surely that’s not necessary if they’ve already agreed to help out with errors made by overworked editorial staff?

“But we need your help. When you see ancient HIGNFY footage broadcast in place of the actor playing Boris Johnson climbing down into the sewers to replica a fatberg, getting stuck, and having to be rescued by emergency services, believe the old footage. No more skepticism posted online. Just laugh along and help Boris get over the line.”

If you don’t, and he’s ousted from government, there’s apparently a risk of him and even Gove eventually doing time? Depending on where all those repressed inquiries go once the laughter of the live studio audience of years ago has faded out in real time.

Have I Got Get The Tories Out For You.

If there’s one thing that has become abundantly clear since Boris Johnson took over as unelected prime minister of this country, it’s that he doesn’t like not getting his own way.

Already he has shown he’ll go to any lengths to show his displeasure when things don’t turn out like he wants. However, now it seems that he’s even willing to throw a childish tantrum at the latest extension to the Brexit negotiating time.

He has vowed to scream and scream and scream until he’s sick. Not a pretty sight.

Professor William Brown of the Crompton Research Institute for Kidlike Extreme Yelling (or CRIKEY for short), had this to say:

“We have observed Mr Johnson during his premiership and for some years before, and we have no doubt about it, he suffers from Bott’s Syndrome.”

Well it’s common knowledge that he uses bots to artificially boost his approval ratings online, but this is apparently something else.

“No, not bots, Bott’s – named after Violet Elizabeth Bott, the first known case of the syndrome. She would always threaten to scream if she didn’t get her own way. And it wasn’t a bluff, she could, would and often did let that scream out. Even when she was just six years old, she already had the lungs for it. But even she’s got nothing on Johnson.”

Professor Brown – who was very informal and insisted I call him just William – went on to explain the syndrome has adapted itself in the modern era.

There’s already an evolved strain, called Trump syndrome, where the subject tweets and tweets and tweets until he’s thick. This version can be easier on the ears on the public, but harder on the credibility. The public read the tweets and have to factor in that the subject made a conscious decision to send them all.

In the case of Boris Johnson, it is feared that he may suffer from both forms of the illness. This is rare, and very dangerous both to the sufferer and to those around him.

There is still no known cure for this syndrome, which has been known of since 1928. Scientists are working on it round the clock, and hoping they hit on something soon before Brexit happens and the EU funding runs out.

We wish them every success.

TILLING FOR ENGLAND : Downing Street has hit back at claims they intend to lower employment standards, post Brexit, even though the claims are based on their own documents.

“We simply will not lower them for workers as they’re categorised now,” a Home Office spokesgargoyle gargoyled, “we will reclassify everyone who doesn’t work the Fx markets as a serf. From that point traditional working standards for serfs will he maintained.”

The revelation of what the Brexit government will do, once it has delivered on the will of the tax havens, is timely and has been well received by medieval re-enactment fans.

“Just think, if you like pretending you’re a brawny field hand who has been drafted into the infantry for the Battle of Bosworth, well, based on what can reasonably be expected to happen in new feudal England, post Brexit, then you can be for real! For the second Battle of Bosworth which will be fought between remainers and leavers over the last toilet roll of the north.”

So too buxom wench revivalists.

“Even now Boris Johnson is drawing up plans to father more bastards than his idol of governance Henry VIII. He’s already got most of it nailed down. He just needs the unchecked sovereign powers. A daft Parliament passing the WAB will give that to him. Then wahey tavern wenches! Here’s your World King come to sire you a child he has no intention of recognising.”

But exactly what will be the tangible benefits for serfs? Post Brexit, as England is redrawn to fit the vivid imaginings of libertarian economists and their misunderstanding of Darwinism and how it applies to a globalised world, and governance?

“Well, you’ll have your own field to till for pottage one afternoon a week. Of course any crops you produce will need to be given to your lord in rent. But you’ll get the satisfaction of the hard work. Working weeks will be seven days, thus ensuring full employment. But you’ll get one day a year off for feast day.”

What will the feast day be?

“The Festival of Brexit.”

DOES DAVID CAMERON HAVE ANY REGRETS YET : Currency speculators are presumed to be feeling very happy with the work of Boris Johnson today as news of a Brexit Deal broke all over twitter.

“Of course immediately after it broke it started to break that maybe it was broken,” our steady hand of governance reports. “which is exactly what is required fo continue the experiment.”

The experiment in question is of course the one in which the UK is run on the basis of no one having any idea what’s going on. Day after day. Week after week. Month after…you get the picture. Or do you?

“The experiment has been producing masses of data day in and day out,” our analyst continues, “most of it false. Most of the accurate information dismissed out of hand by a majority of politicians and commentators. Mostly because that sort of guff, accuracy, directly contravenes the purpose of them running the experiment in the first place.”

And today is expected to produce similar results for the experiment.

“No sooner will Boris Johnson attempt to convince everyone he has agreed a deal with the EU, and breathless MSM reporters begin to parrot the Downing Street line, then we’ll start to see direct contradictions appearing online. By the end of the day no one will be any clearer as to what’s going on. They may not even have a credible idea of what happened hours before.”

And this is the experiment working as hoped by its undertakers.

“He doesn’t have a deal. He has the outline of a deal that has to be agreed at home. It has to hold together on contact with the EU27. It has to be please Trump. No one is allowed to tell the Japanese about it. And so on. So really, regardless of what may or may not establish itself as the day’s narrative. Only one thing remains certain.”

The UK today will be an experiment in no one knowing what’s going on. Especially not the people whose job it is to run it.

THIS CABINET WILL EAT THEMSELVES : The Police are feeling the impact of a decade’s cuts more than usual today after Home Office Secretary, and former advocate of bringing back capital punishment, Priti Patel, ordered all vegetables in the UK placed under house arrest.

Well, that was a first in a long journalistic career. I just filmed police on Oxford Street arrest an ⁦@XRebellionUK⁩ protester dressed like broccoli. As they cuffed him, he cried “Free the pea!” and held aloft a floret of broccoli like it was the liberty torch. pic.twitter.com/f5KQJqMHjH

— Andrew RC Marshall (@Journotopia) October 13, 2019

The disgraced former Secretary for International Development, who had to resign under May for attempting to secretly send overseas aid money to a foreign military, took the extreme decision because of vegetables invading central London to protest against the looming extinction of life on Earth.

“Carrots, broccoli (clearly), potatoes and other vegetables are finding themselves confined to fridge vegetable drawers today and guarded by a member of the Met,” a spokesprout for Ms Patel reassured the public, “this is to protect the public from raising awareness of the preventable mass extinction scheduled for this century.”

Clearly red faced chunks of gammon will still be free to barge about the capital, raising their hands in flat palmed salutes and threatening violence to anti-Brexit protestors. As that is acceptable to the rogue, minority government of Mr Johnson and chums.

Plans are also in place to outlaw the carrying of asparagus spears in public on grounds of public safety.

“If you ever wondered why Ms Patel always has that malevolent smirk fixed to her face, now you know. Her childhood dream of running a police state and arresting people exercising their right to protest is now coming true.”

But the order has had some unintended consequences.

A meeting of the governing cabinet, scheduled for today, had to be postponed after half the ministers failed to turn up.

“They have been located inside fridge drawers and will be freed as quickly as Ms Patel is able to stop smirking about it.”

Members of the cabinet identified as gammon were in attendance and feeling much safer in the awareness that all pineapples were confined to their homes.

In unrelated news, everyone is really relaxed about opposition parties complacency regarding bringing Johnson down and forming a GNU now that the streets are safe from the threat of brassicaceae…

SO YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION : Lifelong Europhile and all round fan of freedom of movement and the single market, multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, has allowed release yesterday of two key pillars in his plan to achieve a long held goal.

“It’s the bull’s horns of electoral triangulation,” an occasional observer of the LOTO said, while bracing for incoming fire,

“to have released on the same day you’ll stand down if you lose the next GE, thus making masses of swing voters wonder what’s the point? Do you really want it?

“Alongside the voters that actually want you to bugger off and Labour have a broadly electable leader, thus giving them a solid reason to vote Green, Libdem, Plaid or SNP?

“While also teasing your fans, some of whom maybe wavering, with the knowledge this is your last shot to elect the messiah…so you better do it?”

No one will have any idea what to think and everyone will argue over their interpretations of the information, which will presumably be modified or contradicted by other sources.

“It’s very clever. It’s divisive. Getting those that think no blame can ever be attached to you arguing with those that think the presumed PM in waiting should be able to stand critique? Genius. It keeps the never ending sense of struggle never ending.”

Potentially unhelpful in broader terms though.

“In what? This is about defending the 99% against the 1%.”

Ah, I’m too cynical. What was the other horn?

“That’s to release details of where you’ll be on the 19th October, potentially one of the most explosive days in UK politics for a generation? That’s a masterclass of deflection from your real objective of getting a sensible Brexit achieved, while getting to blame it all on the Tories.”

But he will be in Westminster on the 19th.

“For a bit before apparently buggering off to hold a rally in Liverpool the same afternoon. Parliamentary business won’t take long if Johnson brings back a deal from the EU leaders summit. How dare you question the leader! You Tory shill!”

Um. Parliamentary business maybe all day and night…unless this whole article is rendered largely obsolete by the opposition parties coordinating to stitch up Johnson with his bogus Queen’s Speech this week.

“Ah. Yes. Let’s hope they’re planning to do that. I’m sure they’re all going to stop their GE positioning long enough to do that.”

But you know how you can totally destroy the Tories and prove Jezza wants to be PM?

“How?”

By fighting them where they’re weakest. Fight them on Brexit. The hard right, tax dodger’s charter promising a demolished economy and shredded worker’s protections while also isolating the country, dismembering it region by region and emboldening the far right. As it’s plain as the nose on your face after several years, there is no ‘Sensible Brexit’, just like there wasn’t a ‘Jobs First Brexit’.

“Oh, we will do anything to defeat the 1%, but we won’t do that.”

STRONG MEN : Nigel Farage has involved himself in the endless negotiations between opposition parties over who should be the UK’s caretaker PM.

“Why shouldn’t a limited company have a say? It would be undemocratic not to let a limited company without a manifesto decide something as important as this,” the sole member of the Brexit Party stated, “we need someone who really believes in Brexit. So I’m nominating a well known Russian friend of Britain.”

Quite what the other politicians involved in negotiations will make of Farage’s pick remains to be seen.

“You’ve all heard the stories of figures closely linked to numerous Tory MPs having their pockets shoved full with Russian cash. And MPs having their pockets shoved full by friends of the regime. I expect those Tory MPs to vote as expected. So that’s near a majority.”

It’s fair to say that in many ways Farage’s pick isn’t a surprise. The Russian leader is high on the list of who benefits most from Brexit, regardless of what he may or may not have done to help in the referendum.

But some have expressed surprise that Mr Farage didn’t nominate himself, as you don’t have to be an MP to do it.

“No. No. Now that wouldn’t suit me at all,” he responded, “I’d have to actually do some work. You know, turn up for the paycheque. Well, actually, looking at Mr Johnson’s activities since becoming PM they may not be entirely correct. But it’s still too great a risk. Better it someone else. I don’t want to have to cut down on my rabble rousing just because there’s been a flood in Kent.”

Maybe the guy dressed as a dolphin, that famously beat Farage in a GE, would be a better pick?

Or Lord Buckethead.

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : David Cameron, Jacob Rees-mogg, Theresa May. Daniel Hannan, Liam Fox, Priti Patel, David Davis and Dominic Raab are said to be fuming tonight after being excluded from a list of people not responsible for the mess that is Brexit.

“David and Theresa, both David’s, are especially peeved as they washed their hands of the entire debacle and walked away. Thus it can’t be their fault in anyway that the UK is currently a massive bin fire as a result of some idiots pursuing Brexit,” a source inside the government said.

But it’s not only Tories that are upset.

Several in the Labour leadership, and on the front bench, are also put out.

“Look, look, multi-millionaire, career politician Jeremy Corbyn didn’t call for the immediate triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016 just to be ignored.”

Fair, but controversial play.

“Surprisingly for an MP who’s been in the House of Commons for nearly four decades, he’s managed to make bugger all impact on the legislature. Brexit is his chance. That’s why he whipped to trigger Article 50, after the courts had ruled parliament had to be involved. And also whipped to help defeat the SNP amendment earlier this year that would have ruled out any chance of a No Deal Brexit. He needs to be recognised. It’s plainly baffling why some yellow Tories, Labour MPs and actual Tories won’t back him as caretaker PM. What with his strong record of opposing the government on Brexit.”

And the fury at being excluded extends to business.

“Tim Martin is said to be gammon red at not being on the list. As he’s only a pub landlord he’s got nothing to do with Brexit politics. Neither James Dyson or that Brexit pushing billionaire which owns INEOS who recently offshored.”

But while the controversy of whose fault the mess definitely isn’t is certain to be vigorous, at least we can all rest peacefully knowing that Prime Minister and his pal Gove are not in anyway to blame.

“It was the Germans. The Irish. That Polish guy remainers adore. All them. And the millions protesting who’ve been saying stop it before it’s too late. It’s their fault. Not the actual members of Parliament and public figures pursuing it.”

MOVE ALONG PLEASE NOTHING TO SEE HERE : DEFRA junior minister, Harris Fulblewn Creton, MP for Window Steam, has chosen an idyllic Kent location for a late afternoon spot of dogging with his pet schnauzer Karperk. The outing is to prove No Deal Brexit won’t cause dogging queues in Kent. In spite of some reports in the newspapers.

“I’ve been here for a full hour and no one has complained about me walking Karperk, even though I have him on a leash,” Mr Creton told LCD Views, “which is encouraging. This area voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU in 2016. I’d expected it to be a bit touch and go if I hung around here for long. People might not like me taking a German breed of dog dogging. But so far it’s been plain sailing. Much as I expect No Deal Brexit will be as easy as eating a muffin in the countryside.”

But Mr Fulblewn Creton isn’t just taking Karperk for a normal walk.

“Language is a funny old thing,” he muses, as a car pulls close, slows down, but then rapidly drives away, “it’s always changing. When I was a boy walking your dog was called ‘going to see a man about a dog’. My father used to say it all the time. I was always confused though, as he never came home with a dog, just the one he took out with him? And he always smelt a bit sweaty. Feminine. Faintly of cheap perfume. Exercise does different things to different people of course. Biochemistry and all that jazz. Now it’s called dogging. But all you’re doing is engaging in a zesty, outdoors activity with man’s best friend. And you never know who you will meet.”

With the sun setting on the horizon Mr Creton paused, put his hands on his hips and brought his knees in tight. Next he did a pelvic thrust.

“It really drives me insane,” he commented, “my lower back. I have exercises I need to do. Like this.”

More thrusting.

A 1978 white Ford Cortina entered the carpark, slowed down, and then crawled over to park alongside Mr Creton. The lady occupant was smoking and even with the window wound down a few inches, it wasn’t entirely clear who she was, or indeed, what she wanted.

“Oi, you’re my MP. Cretin?”

“Creton. It’s not a French name. Don’t worry. And my dog, he is a schnauzer but he was bred right here in Kent.”

“What are you doing hanging about this carpark? You looking to hold an intimate surgery with a constituent?” The question was asked in a tone that can only be described as sleazy.

“I’m here to prove that dogging won’t be a problem in Kent in the event of No Deal Brexit. We’re even going to place a billboard right here to prove it won’t cause any tailbacks.”

“And what will the billboard say?” she asked, winding the window down further, the better to tap ash off her cigarette.

“Dogging for Britain! It’s something everyone can be proud of.”

“You’re my sort of fellow. Fancy a lift?”

“How far are we going?” Mr Creton asked.

“Just to the other side of the carpark you turkey.”

And with that Mr Creton got inside and our intrepid reporters beat a hasty retreat.