Category: Governing the people

Bumbling panto dame and some time Prime Minister Boris Johnson has applied to head up the royal family.

This astonishing move, some believe, bears the hallmarks of bonkers special advisor Dominic “Short” Cummings, but the logic is impeccable. The Monarch is the only possible obstruction in between Johnson and doing what the hell he likes. If Her Majesty could be persuaded to make Johnson her heir, then the road to absolute power is opened up.

Downing Street mouthpiece Anne Onnimus explained the situation. “All the Queen ever does is wave, read the statements we write for her, and rubber stamp our decisions,” said Onnimus. “Boris can do that too, dead easy. It would save him the stress of worrying if the old bat is ever going to pluck up the nerve to break protocol. God knows, she has been on the verge of it for the last four years!”

Johnson would inherit the Queen’s entire family. Having children you refuse to acknowledge is a distinct advantage here.

Johnson does of course have royal blood. Like the Queen, he is descended from George II.

“In these days of equality, descent via the female line, unmarried couples and illegitimacy is not a disadvantage,” explained Onnimus. “In fact, becoming Monarch because of male, legitimate decent reeks of elite privilege. I give you Boris Johnson, the people’s Queen!”

There is a certain ring to it.

Johnson wants to Get It Done as soon as possible. The current Queen is batting on a bit, and could snuff it at any time. № 10 is worried that, should Charles become king, that he would abuse his position as Head Of State to deny the Royal Assent to laws proposed by his advisors. This is not how things are done in this country. “Boris would never dare defy Mr Cummings,” warned Onnimus, ominously.

Expect a coronation in the near future. Get your Queen Boris commemorative mugs and tea towels now!

Boris Johnson has re-entered the country as if it were a willing filly. His Christmas break to the wintry, snowbound, tropical Caribbean paradise that is Mustique has left him glowing with rude good health and ready to get it done. His tan is so powerfully glowing that it shines in the darkness.

Indeed, it looks like Johnson has not only had his Ready Brek, but also been in close contact with nuclear fuels.

The tan is suspiciously deep, almost orange in colour, Trump-esque in fact. It is unusual for a blond, nominally British man with pale colouring like Johnson to tan. Normally they burn and then peel. Suspicious observers reckon that Johnson’s tan is as fake as his credentials.

“I’m also suspicious about why Johnson went to Mustique,” said suspicious observer Bea di Yie. “It’s close enough to the USA for one of Steve Bannon’s minions to fly over with the Trump playbook and make-up kit.”

The recipe for TrumpTan is a closely guarded secret, but it is rumoured to contain chemicals designed to repel both socialism and facts. The unvarnished truth will never penetrate the varnished leader.

“The tan forms a mask behind which an ordinary, posh, wealthy man of the people can play the part of an aggressive, powerful tyrant,” claimed di Yie. “Boris watchers like myself are bracing themselves for a fresh blast of Johnsonism. It’s all an act, and when the real Boris Johnson becomes aware of the horrors he has perpetrated, he will remove the mask and slip out of the public eye into a fabulous retirement on the after-dinner speaking circuit. This, after all, is where the man’s true talents lie.”

An unfortunate side-effect of the untested chemical composition of TrumpTan is, experts believe, the tendency to tweet random crap while sitting on the presidential throne.

“I will GET BREXIT DONE! The wicked Labs and the treacherous Remoaners are trying to obstruct justice again. Sad! They must never succeed! MAKE ENGLAND GREAT AGAIN!”

PMINO : It’s hard work lying your way into power. It’s even harder work lying your way into increased power.

“He needs some time off to recharge,” an aide to Boris ‘Field Marshall Wetherspoons’ Johnson told LCD Views, “he needs to lie down for a bit. Recharge. Wait for the news cycle to give him new things to lie about. He’s not really interested in running the UK anyway. That’s why Short Cummings chose him. Now Boris can swan about on an RAF jet with whosever his girlfriend is on any given day and let Dom remake the UK in his own image.”

But it won’t all be lie ins and games of hide ‘n seek.

“He will need to spend some time crank calling David Cameron of course. Then there’s the Queen to embarrass. Backers to pay back. Not to mention remodelling Downing Street as a torture garden and learning to hum the Benny Hill theme tune by heart. It won’t be all dodging arrest and no pay.”

There are also rumours of Mr Johnson taking up golf and remodelling his hair on Trumpesque lines.

“It’s a good thing he has sod all interest in the details of actual governance or the billionaires who have funded the think tanks may wonder what they’ve been paying for all these years.”

Indeed. When you want a front man, that’s all you want.

“Still, once the data is in and the micro targeting underway for the next round of mass manipulation there will be plenty for Boris ‘bread and circuses’ Johnson to do. Distract the plebs while we steal the rest of their gold and silver. Sort of a zero hours premiership with a few heavy days now and then.”

But while the man who is now prime minister may not be up to much, Global Britons can rest assured someone is watching their every move and guiding them accordingly.

No one would have believed that in the early years of the 21st century our world was being watched keenly and closely by minds immeasurably crueller than our own.

“Boris will be okay though,” the aide shrugged, “so long as there is a rock to hide under or a fridge to hide in when the going gets rough.”

We’d suggest the Johnson family Christmas dinner would be a heated and interesting event, but presumably the World King is going to hide from his brother and sister too.

Brexit Britain. Who runs it when the man who is supposed to spends his time far away? And just why does everyone think the next GE is five years away? You can con your way into power, but once there, you’ve no time to rest.

PRITI LIKELY : Home Secretary Priti Patel hasn’t been seen much about the Home Office since the general election. The dull, concrete halls of the megalithic building have been without the sparkle and wit of one of the UK’s most famous reformed advocates of capital punishment. LCD Views have investigated (in our imaginations) and found out why.

“She’s started turning off the heat in the homes of people who’ve criticised her on social media,” our source in the Home reveals, “she’s been keeping a list. It’s a long one. But she’s working through it with diligence.”

The list itself is believed to have been modelled with a seasonal flair.

“It’s just like the one the all powerful gift overlord, Santafuhrer, keeps. It has a column ‘Naughty’ and a column ‘Good’. Except she’s titled the columns ‘SAURON SEES YOU AND YOU WILL BURN FOR YOUR BETRAYAL’ and ‘Those who are just following orders’. She’s had to rotate the A4 sheets lengthways just to fit in the header.”

But questions have been raised over on what authority the Home Secretary is using to justify her actions?

“Haven’t you seen the government’s majority? They can do what they like with us now. The British people have been patiently waiting for common sense to return to its politics, and governance in general, for the last few years. Which was nice of them. Now strong and stable government is back. She’s using the authority granted under a new law they haven’t passed yet.”

But it hasn’t been passed?

“So? Since when have Boris Johnson and his chums showed any inclination to stick to piddling norms like that? It’ll be passed in the fullness of time. This is what the voters get when they keep re-electing political parties to power who have demonstrated a complete absence of moral compass. Ms Patel was fired as a minister for running a secret foreign affairs policy. But allowed to remain an MP! Politicians will abide by the standards the public allows them to sink to.”

Oh, well that makes it alright. Will she turn your heat back on if you say something nice about her on Twitter?

“I can’t tell you that. The only accounts to do so have been bots.”

Rug up Global Britons. The new regime is a cold one.

WHAT’S THE TIME MR WOLF : TAKE THAT BONEY! Great news today that the latest Boris Johnson government is to move swiftly to ensure Britain stays English.

For too long continental influences have been allowed to erode the certainty of patriotic British men, women and bull terriers over who is right about everything, and of course who is wrong.

Time to set things right.

To this end today’s Queen’s Speech will include a raft of measures to chase away the debilitating corrosion in our psychological infrastructure.

In many ways it’s snuck in unseen from across the channel as Brits accidentally made links with suspicious foreign subversives, while attempting to help out by shouting loudly enough to be understood. This has mostly occurred while buying bread that is the wrong shape.

“First up is time,” Mr F Magnet, Home Office, told LCD Views, “we all know that an Englishman invented time in Greenwich, some time ago, but then all these pale imitators across the Channel claimed to know what it was. Brass neck of them. They took proper clocks and put their own, incorrect, time on them. Then people started bringing those clocks back as souvenirs. That’s how they do it you see? Lull you into a false sense of security. Well it stops now!”

And it’s not just time that is being served.

“Have I mentioned bread? Painful subject. So many incorrect shapes for sale on the high streets these days. And presumably online. Well, no more! All bread will now be either breast, or bap shaped, or square. That way you can make sandwiches correctly.”

This is a great start. It can only help make a success of Brexit if correct culture is imposed by way of legislation.

“And don’t forget that greatest of English inventions. The chip! Anyone caught dipping a chip into mayonnaise will now be stoned.”

You what?

“Britain first! That’s the way we’ll run this government.”

How very Brexit.

TIN AND POT : Newly elected President Boris Johnson has announced to the country that as part of ongoing government preparations for turning the UK into a banana republic, he is going to wear military uniform to parliament.

”He hasn’t decided on what rank to give himself,” Mr Cavalier, fruit shape policy aide at 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once he settles on what kind of general he is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But he has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. He’s really just following the instructions of the people. This the people’s government, even if 53% of people who voted didn’t vote for it.”

I guess he’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. He’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. He’s won the war on immigrants, with his senior aide Priti Patel. He triumphed over the poor, with the help of a bus driver’s son. He’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General Johnson’s father’s wisdom.”

The people had a vote, once, they don’t need another. Long live the republic!

FIVE TEN FIFTY SAY IT AGAIN : EARLY ANALYSIS of the Boris Johnson victory in the general election suggests that once again a three word slogan, pretending to be a policy, did a lot of heavy lifting.

“Get Brexit Done?” our in house pollster asks, “I didn’t vote for it as it’s nonsense. But enough did. It is a neat trick. Champion a monumental, multi-year project to reshape the country as something as easy as changing your socks,

“Get that over the line,

“Claim the democratic mandate by ignoring the crime involved,

“Then, when it turns out to be a monumental, multi-year project that is almost impossible to implement, and when a big tranche of voters are getting bored of talking about it, just tell them you’ll get it done. Very helpful if your major opposition is championing a policy of dragging it out for much longer. Essentially pull the same con on just enough voters that you did the first time. Simplicity itself.”

And while anyone paying attention to the details of Brexit scoffed indignantly at the slogan, just enough people who can’t be bothered with the details of what they’re voting for, thought, yep, I’ll have some of that. Just get it done.

“May you live in interesting times? That old chestnut. Well, we do, whether we like it or not. But if you voted for Brexit because you’re bored of Brexit, you might want to take a moment to consider you’ve just voted to be bored to death, for years.”

ARE WE STILL DOING THIS : The Conservatives have thrown another lure in the electoral waters this weekend by making another promise they intend to keep.

“I can promise you we are going to keep lying,” Mr Soul Less, MP for Confusion, told LCD Views, “in fact if we win the GE this week, we’ll have so many promises to keep, that we have no interest in keeping, that we’re going to have to get properly industrial with the lying. Just to meet demand.”

It’s believed the industrialisation of political deception will be a boon for the economy, and will easily replace the automotive sector in share of national output.

“We’ll export the lies too. We’ll bloody have to, there’s going to be so many of them stacked up across the country.”

And good British children are expected to share in the bounty.

“No British child will be more than 15mins away from a Boris Johnson lie,” Mr Less continued, “once we get our majority and pass the executive power grab on page 48, then we’ll ban protest and any message contrary to the Downing Street ‘sources’. But this won’t lead to a loss of income for the country’s billboard owners. We will plaster them all with lies. This way patriotic British children skipping to school, or for a day in the workhouse, they’ll see them all.”

To show the intent behind the child focused policy Mr Less unveiled another policy.

“You may have heard Ms Morgan waffling on about football pitches this weekend? As if that’s what we need to spend hundreds of millions on? Well, we do, having forced state schools to sell off all their playing fields to buy basic educational supplies. But to make the football pitch policy come true we will convert every food bank into a football pitch. And then we’ll force the little blighters to play for food.”

Global Britain. Unleashing its potential in a way those who voted for Brexit back in 2016 never imagined.

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12th OF DECEMBER : Get Brexit Done is the slogan outgoing Prime Minister Boris “f*ck democracy” Johnson’s aides repeat ad nauseously on his social media accounts. He’s told us himself that he doesn’t really do the Twittersphere, but someone does in his name then?

It’s an interesting pitch. The one aim over half of the country does not want achieved. That is his electoral pitch.

No longer is the aim to govern for all, but to govern for only those that support your agenda and the rest can go whistle.

It’s been this way since May’s “citizens of nowhere” speech heralded the new age in British democracy. The age in which political leaders of the right, and the left, decided proven electoral lawbreaking didn’t undermine democracy.

And now the very nature of our governance is up for grabs.

Many say, with no little justification, that FPTP has had its day. If they eventually prevail in changing the system, with no help from the old duopoly who quite like it, FPTP will he replaced by something more representative.

And representative democracy is the way we’ve usually done it. And if we allowed the question to be direct, it was heavily safeguarded.

Not so with Brexit. An advisory referendum, corrupted by the unscrupulous, has been transformed magically into a mandate from the heavens, regardless of the crime and snake oil and risk.

And once more direct democracy’s advisory Brexit goes to the representative ballot box. December 12th.

A representative parliament. The people choose who represents them. It’s been a good system. So many are too overworked to decide on matters of daily governance. Or too ill. Or too young. Or too dumb, that too. Those who refuse to inform themselves and allow the spin doctors and media to hold sway. So we guard against all by employing people to make it their job to protect us and progress the country.

But the system is at breaking point. The thick are in the ascendancy within and without the hallowed halls.

December 12th, the make or break of representative democracy? Either way it will be a day to remember.

Priti “SuperSmirk” Patel has blamed Labour for the London Bridge terrorist attack. Essentially her argument is that Labour passed a law in 2008 and her government has spent the last 9 years failing to amend it.

The emperor is proudly wearing his brand-new outfit, and pointing out that Jeremy Corbyn has an incriminating stain on his y-fronts.

It’s the Tory modus operandi this season. No policies (beyond Get It Over And Done With For Goodness Sake). No attempt to justify their comedy manifesto. Just slag off Labour and hope that nobody notices.

But terrorist legislation is part of Patel’s remit as Home Secretary. Does she seriously want us to believe that Labour left such a mountain of problems that she and her predecessors are still sorting through it, nine years later? What on earth can they have been thinking of? Theresa May had plenty of time to create a hostile environment and demonise British citizens of Caribbean descent, but clearly no time to update policy on detaining terrorists.

It’s not even Patel’s first attempt to demonstrate her own incompetence. The government is not to blame for poverty, she said, it’s local authorities. Nine years of austerity, including massive and repeated spending cuts for local authorities, have obviously had no effect on poverty. Neither has the introduction of the completely useless and totally mismanaged Universal Credit.

“You are taking my words out of context,” said Patel, smirking broadly, when we tracked her down on an unofficial mission to Israel, rumour has it, to bring home some antisemitism to plant on Jeremy Corbyn. “My job is to make sure the public know that whatever the issue, Labour is to blame. We have spent the last nine years on ideological onanism, and can’t let reality prevent the climax yet again, or we will never Get It Done!”

So if the government won’t govern, who will? “Putin,” replied Patel. “Don’t quote me on that, but if some nice man offers you massive sums of money so he can do your job for you, you would be stupid to refuse. It’s win-win. Cheque please!”