Category: Governing the people

Nothing to see here: it’s all going so well. Joined up, big government is the order of the day. Unfortunately we don’t have anything like that in this country. Boris Johnson is leaving the big decisions to individual householders.

This is a bold move. At a stroke, Johnson has avoided both responsibility and the need to do any work.

The message, when it arrives with a fresh FREE sample of coronavirus straight from 10 Downing Street, will contain not just one letter but two. One will argue the case in favour of CV19, and the other against.

LCD Views contacted the Prime Minister’s office, and the only available ‘source’ spoke to our My Indecision Is Final correspondent.

“Make this quick, I need another power nap,” purred the ‘source’, who turned out to be none other than Larry the Cat. “As the only inhabitant of Downing Street not infected with CV19, I’ve had a very busy day.”

Why the two letters, we wanted to know.

Larry slowly stretched out in the weak spring sunshine and yawned. “Got any cat treats?” he asked, finally.

Half a packet of Dreamies later, he was able to give us some insight.

“I don’t think the big blond human has a single thought in his scruffy head,” he miaowed. “Now that the other human has scarpered, you know, the bald psychopathic one… err…”

You mean Dominic Cummings?

“Yeah, that’s the one,” agreed Larry. “So, Scruffy doesn’t know what to think without Psycho whispering in his ear, and I think that he is trying to duck the issue while appearing to take decisive action.”

Johnson will have more splinters in his bum than Jeremy Corbyn!

“Who?” asked Larry.

The old, useless one who falls asleep on trains.

“Oh, yeah,” yawned Larry. “Shame he didn’t become PM, I was planning to crap on the bed every night if he won. Sort the podium for me, will you?”

And with that Larry strolled back into Number Ten.

The decision is yours. Herd immunity, or heard enough?

WHATEVER IT TAKES : Downing Street has shed new light today on the measures being taken to combat CV19.

Following on from the Prime Minister’s impersonation of someone who gives a toss last night, a Downing Street ‘source’ has answered questions regarding overcrowding on train services in and out of London.

“These are key workers travelling to key work,” the source shrugged, “it’s key we keep them moving and we’ll do whatever it takes. Just today I read about a nurse who had to travel from Zone 4 to Zone 1 to work in a hospital. You don’t want her to feel all alone? Like the world is ending. Do you?”

But that’s precisely how people need to feel at the moment, surely? Especially on mass transport. In order to feel confident they’re being protected as they put themselves on the line for all of us.

“That’s why we’re running a much reduced service.”

But you’re turning train services into superspreaders? Potentially? Aren’t you? Especially now as the disease is growing at a frightening exponential.

By reducing the services available, people are jamming in together. It’s horrifying. What about running a normal time table and scaling it back to what’s required to provide both transport and social distancing in transit?

“You mean like think ahead and sensibly calibrate the service? Show a minimum of competence?”

Exactly. Phew.

“I’m not too sure about that,” the source scowled, “by running a reduced service for people, forcing them to jam in next to each other, by doing that we are keeping a feeling on the trains of business as usual.”

LAST MAN STANDING : Britons puzzled why their government is so reluctant to lockdown the country have received welcome explanation toady direct from the heart of government.

Speaking directly to LCD Views, and keeping a socially respectful distance (imaginary sources are excellent at social distancing), a Downing Street ‘source’ outlined the thinking.

“Well, clearly we’re still doing herd immunity as the Covid-19 policy. Just not officially. But until we legally impose restrictions it’s the policy by default. You know the one? Let it sweep through the population? Build up herd immunity to a virus from a class humans have never built up herd immunity to without a vaccine. That’s the policy.”

But surely we should look to the example of countries that didn’t have our advantage of time lag? What did they get right? What did they get wrong?

“Foreign chaps? What could foreign chaps possibly teach Britons about a virus? A blue passport and a commemorative Brexit 50p is all the protection you need against a killer cold.”

Is it your hope then that people who exploded out of London at the end of last week are carrying those special talismans with them?

“Yes. Covid-19 is now in all nooks and crannies of the UK. Excellent work. More than a few pensioners will die now. It’s very exciting, running your approach to a pandemic crisis in the same way we dealt with Brexit. Triangulate. Rumour. Counter rumour. Vague suggestions. Contradictory information. We’ll get Covid-19 delivered.”

But surely, given we’re two weeks behind Italy, and Italy is a scene of terrible humanitarian crisis, we need to lockdown now. We should have locked down with other countries did.

“Stop the party? No. No. Mr Johnson doesn’t want to be the stick in the mud that stops the music playing. That’s not his style. He wants to be loved. He wants to be popular.”

So the devastating mismanagement of Coronavirus is just Boris being Boris?

“Exciting isn’t it? Herd immunity. It’s still the policy. Just not officially.”

BLITZING THE UNAVOIDABLE SHITMINSTER : THE UNITED KINGDOM has received some much needed advice today from Reality, which stopped by to have a world.

“I see you’re in a crisis about the Coronavirus crisis,” Mr Reality stated, nodding soberly.

We are. Nice of you to stop by. What would you like to tell our audience?

“You’ve such a fetishisation in certain demographics of population and media for WW2. I’m surprised you are taking so long to work out one of the key lessons that the period offers. So far as early crisis management goes.”

Which is?

“When you’re entering an extended crisis, which is now inevitable due to the poor decisions of the current government, the first thing you need to ensure is new, sound leadership.”

We have a government.

“I didn’t say you didn’t have a government.”

It’s just that they don’t appear sound.

“They don’t, do they.”

So what should we do?

“What did they do in WW2? What did Neville Chamberlain do?”

He found his political support evaporating and he stood down. Winston Churchill took over as prime minister with cross party support.

“What should Boris Johnson do?”

Well, judging only by the Sunday papers he’s hanging Cummings out to dry.

“He should go with him. Then you lot should form a government of national unity, cross party, with a credible prime minister leading it. One with an attention span greater than a gnat’s.”

Then what?

“If you choose wisely, they’ll know what to do. But I’d start by listening to the WHO.”

Nerr, I’ve gone off them since Daltrey revealed himself as a kipper.

“The World Health Organisation, you wally.”

“Roger that.”

Roger who?

Roger that. Listen to the World Health Organisation and not Dom.

UNELECTED SPAD SPAFFS TIME ADVANTAGE AGAINST WALL OF FATE : Britain’s unelected prime minister, Dominic ‘out on his ear soon’ Cummings has used his client journalists to give Covid—19 a message.

“Come back here and I’ll bite your legs off!”

The message, which it’s assumed Covid-19 will ignore, follows on from a tussle between the unelected official and the new killer virus.

Till now it seems Mr Cummings has been deciding the UK’s pandemic strategy, to save Mr Johnson the effort. So boring, poor people dying in droves, just get on with it.

Just imagine that Great Britain, an unelected official has been governing Britain. The ironies and idiocies of Brexit, always a viral sickness in the body politic, now become real and fuelling a crisis.

How the mighty have allowed themselves to become fallen.

As to the tussle itself, first Coronavirus took Mr Cumming’s arms and then it took his legs, leaving the UK ‘armless in the face of pandemic crisis.

“It goes to show that you can’t run a pandemic crisis the way you’ve run Brexit,” our full time pandemic (new employee – although has been working freelance for some weeks) analyst comments.

“I’m not sure why Cummings is seen as such a genius? He got Brexit done because all the proven dodgy methods were useful to politicians, who were themselves amoral voids. So he was politically protected. This is not a genius, except I guess in the failed human field of taking advantage of people’s fears and lesser instincts.”

Get Cummings Done. Let’s get a competent administration that can manage the crisis. Emotionally retarded little boys grown into men are not going to do anything but lose their heads, and ours.

MUMMY’S GOT BODY ARMOUR : Downing Street is expected to release more advice today, via a “source”, on how people can cope in the apocalypse.

The wisdom of releasing major public policy announcements via anonymous briefings to client journalists in a time of national crisis, when people need clear leadership and clarity of instruction, is not under discussion here.

“While zombies themselves are not known to favour head to toe body wrappings,” the source acknowledged, in what we received as a surprising depth of knowledge in detail for this shambles, “they do however tend to ignore other undead specimens. For this reason disguising yourself as a mummy is recommended, should you have surplus toilet paper that you are unable to sell for a profit on the burgeoning black market.”

Other suggestions for toilet paper, apart from the obvious use as pasta substitutes, is to build “hoop style skirts by way of wrapping up home made twig and branch constructions – sticks as can be found in any back yard – to ensure social distancing, while remaining fashionably dressed in the home”.

But critics have been quick to point out that “while disguising oneself as a mummy may provide an initial protection” it won’t be long before the zombies smell the perspiration of the living human and attack.

“The toilet paper would have to be wrapped so densely so as to render movement slow, shuffling and uncoordinated.”

Other critics have hit back saying “that just adds to the defensive qualities of the disguise, by way of blending in better. And besides, in spite of portrayals in popular television shows and movies, zombies lack the jaw strength to bite through any toilet paper wrapping thicker than a few inches.”

This seems to be a point that will remain under contention, but LCD Views would advise that the best advice is just to stay home and build a fort from the rolls and play with the kids and pets.

NO SCORE CAN’T BE A HIGH SCORE : Much has been made in recent days of the perceived failure of leadership from Downing Street. In particular questions have been asked about the decision to stop large scale public testing for Covid-19 in the UK.

LCD Views has reacted to this with our usual insightful, investigative reflex and invented a Downing Street ‘source’ to explain the rationale behind the decision.

“We never started wide scale public testing to begin with,” our ‘source pushed back, in an interview with LCD Views’ ‘Testing Times’ correspondent, “so it’s a bit rum to criticise us for stopping something we didn’t start. We’re not South Korea.”

But how can you know the extent of the problem faced if you don’t attempt to find out?

“That’s not very patriotic of you. Why are you trying to turn this into a party political issue?”

I wasn’t. Although, given the underfunding and intentional deterioration to the scope and readiness of public services over the last decade, you can definitely, legitimately make this a party political issue. Neoliberal economic policies, combined with hard right, nationalist isolationism does not appear to make the UK best placed to confront Covid-19?

“We can’t be seen to be doing the same as the bloody continentals,” our ‘source’ scoffed, “it would undermine the will of the people.”

Most of them are closing their borders.

“See! Outrageous. They can’t do that as members of the EU. This is why we had to Brexit.”

To keep our borders open in a time of global, pandemic crisis, wherein controlling the flow of people will help control the transmission of the virus?

“Exactly. Anyway, we don’t have to close our borders as everyone is closing theirs for us. This way we look international and outward focused. It’s a complete PR triumph.”

[The source then coughed.]

Can we get back to testing for Covid-19. Have you been tested?

“That’s a private matter.”

Arguably it’s a matter of public interest.

[The source then began to sweat.]

“We aren’t testing, except to confirm that people who have passed away from Covid-19 have passed away from Covid-19. It’s all bloody obvious.”

But if you don’t test you don’t know the scale of the problem you are facing. How can you then best prepare to face the challenge?

“Denial of reality has worked to get Brexit. Mixed messaging, leaked briefings, favourite journalists, nudge the public the way you want, it’s a winning strategy. It will work with the virus.”

You’re not up to the task of managing this are you?

“We’re letting the public make the moves and then following. It puts us in the position of being leaders, will of the people and all that. You’ll see. We’ll be on top of this virus in no time. Soon everyone will have it.”

And then you don’t need to test for it?

“Precisely, and the money saved can be spent renting hospital beds off private health interests.”

It’s a dog’s life. Yet another prominent figure has tendered his resignation amid allegations of bullying. This time it is not a mere unelected bureaucrat, but the highly influential Downing Street figure of Dilyn the Dog.

The named bully is none other than the once highly popular Larry the Cat. “Larry is always scratching, backbiting and leaving dead mice in my basket,” barked Dilyn. “It leaves me feeling ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff.”

Dilyn isn’t the first inhabitant of Downing Street to be dogged by Larry. The malicious moggy is also facing accusations from Babe, David Cameron’s pet pig, and Boris the Downing Street poodle. He is also defending a class action from a number of harassed mice.

Larry has been stoutly defended by Downing Street. There is no way he will end up in the doghouse.

LCD Views managed to track down Babe to St Gammon’s Kill And Cure Rest Sty for Retired Swine. Babe was very forthcoming about her experiences with Larry.

“That cat was a right bastard,” snorted Babe. “He never left me and Dave alone in peace. I was employed to do just the one job for Dave, but Larry saw to it that my life was made hell. Every time we got down to business, and I use the term advisedly, he would scratch at the door and yowl. Every time Dave got his trousers up and opened the door, Larry would just sit there like he owned the place, be sick on my trotters and stalk out. I was in therapy for years after.”

Talk about making a silk ear from a sow’s purse. Or whatever.

As for the rodents, well it’s a cat and mouse situation. Spokesmouse Barry the Rat claimed that Larry was engaged in a vendetta against his family. “Constantly chasing us, killing us and frightening the children,” squeaked Barry indignantly. “We are permanently ratty, and haven’t stolen any of the Prime Minister’s cheese for weeks!”

Sorry, Dilyn. Life’s a bitch.

INTELLIGENCE MATTERS OR MAYBE NOT : COVID-19 FACED STIFF COMPETITION to hold the front pages today as the news broke that Boris Johnson had appointed Britain’s ‘Einstein’ Chris Grayling to head up the important Intelligence and Security Committee.

“It’s genius,” a Downing Street source, who normally looks after the 10 Downing Street rescue dog, commented, “Boris is desperate to give John Crace someone else to focus on. Grayling heading up the Intelligence committee? Wow! Talk about irony overload. The sketch writers will now completely ignore Johnson and his goings on. Classic Dom, as someone once said.”

The appointment also solves another tricky problem for Downing Street.

“The old boys must be looked after in the club, even the complete and utter idiots. Grayling excelled at taking money from the public coffers and putting them, by way of policy bungling, into private pockets. He has earned every bit of this new appointment.”

It will presumably make not releasing the Intelligence Report on Russian Interference into UK Democracy a breeze.

“Wait until he tries to photocopy that explosive tome and puts it in the microwave instead! No long grass needed. Boom! Up in smoke. Genius.”

Although there are some worrying signs early on with the switch from Grieve (overqualified and just irritating) to Grayling (perfection).

“Okay. There’s an early problem, but we’re sure by spending a few billion of the taxpayers’ hard earned coin we can sort it out and keep all customers happy.”

What problem could Grayling possibly have created? And this early on?

“He’s only gone and offered a free Intelligence Report on Russian Interference with every family size pizza ordered between now and December.”

VIRAL REDISTRIBUTION : Some things Tory MPs aren’t keen to share between rich and poor, like magic money tree inheritances, the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, and the profits from casino gambling with people’s pensions. But when it comes to a potentially lethal viral cold they appear much more generous.

“We’re levelling up Coronavirus,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, on the back of the news that Health Minister Nadine Dorries is the first high profile politician to be infected.

“So we’ve no plans to test minsters or the prime minister, or anyone that Dorries has been in contact with. At least not so far as we’ll admit publicly, because then everyone will expect testing.”

To this end large public gatherings are still going ahead. Jammed commuter services are still operating and schools remain the greatest place to catch a cold going.

“Also a full sitting of parliament today, with Dominic Raab looking like he’s having trouble negotiating a bad cold,” the spokesman nodded, “and then everyone back out to their constituency surgeries and swanky events. We’re British. We’re not Italian. Covid-19 knows this.”

Right…

“Look, we can’t have the panic until there’s something to panic over, like a pandemic,” the source continued, “an unwillingness to look reality squarely in the face and act in a preemptive fashion would make a failure of Brexit. It’s how we govern now. Don’t you like it? We definitely aren’t planning to explain to people how we will maintain all vital supplies and services in the event of the inevitable lockdown in a week or two. If they don’t go out and panic buy then how will we achieve record growth in the first quarter of 2020? Brexit stockpiling really gave the economy a boost.”

When pressed as to why mass public gatherings like the Cheltenham races were still going ahead, with 60,000 people in close contact on the first day, the spokesman shrugged.

“Horses can’t get Covid-19, any fool knows that.”