LOOKING HERE LOOKING THERE LOOKING EVERYWHERE : AT THE RISK OF BEING ACCUSED OF NOT writing satire (the accusation will be correct, this time, and other times, when we choose – sometimes you just want to directly call out the BS) LCD Views has decided to impart to the entire world our take on the government’s ‘Brexit red tape’ challenge.
“It’s a bit bloody obvious,” declared the dust ball nestled next to the discarded paperclip, by the non-existent, permanently shrouded photocopier, “it’s because they haven’t got a fucking clue what to do.”
And while that is certainly true, so far as all the red tape is concerned, it does distract from a more pernicious object of this exercise.
“It’s just more gaslighting,” the broken HB pencil, lost behind a buzzing monitor (covered in derelict, curling post-it notes) shrugs, “they are about to sink the UK’s businesses and private citizens in an unending tidal wave of red tape, so they’re deflecting,
“If you can’t think of any red tape that needs getting rid of that means it’s fine when you get a lot more of it. Just try taking your pet across a border after Brexit. Ha! Don’t worry about the end of JIT manufacturing. Don’t worry about lack of important medications! Don’t worry about the government stockpiling body bags! Try taking Mr Pips to France. Good luck with that!”
The broken HB pencil, he’s got a point.
“Which is more than you can say for Brexit!”
Yes, yes discarded paperclip, you’ve got a point too.
Although we’re a little bit curious about Javid and Truss and this ‘Brexit red tape challenge’? Is the actual word Brexit now banned? Maybe they didn’t get the memo? Maybe it was just more bollocks from the government by gaslight.
GOVERNMENT BY GASLIGHT : THE UK GOVERNMENT has hit back over scurrilous claims in discredited sections of the press (and social media) that it is just making it up as it goes along, by releasing its entire policy stance for 2020.
“It’s a classic policy position for any government in a tight corner,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, merely because we were chosen in the expectation of being a sympathetic stenographer, while others were denied access, “if you can’t actually prove anything you assert, if you have no real idea of what you’re doing next, if you’ve backed yourself into a corner and then just kept on backing up, if you’re a chancer who relies on inbred privilege, than you’ve got to get inventive.”
And inventive means you’ve got to make things up. If you don’t you risk people realising your real motives and that won’t be good for you.
“Every day, a new load of waffle. Drown people in it. Crowd out all the coherent seeds of thought, unless they take root. Keep people chasing their tails. Baffle them with bullshit. Make sure, so far as the public is concerned, attempting to make sense of what we’re doing is like an endless game of whack a mole.”
But why do it? Why doesn’t Boris Johnson especially have a vision for Britain?
“Oh he has a vision alright,” the source shrugs, “it’s to be prime minister in an attempt to cover over the screaming void of inadequacy that exists inside him, that can only be denied. Can he distract himself sufficiently to not consider his own fear of his own inadequacy? He’s managed it so far. Now he needs our help. If you’re endlessly baffled then you will show him the doubt he needs to see in your own critical judgement. That’s how he gets away with it. That’s what he’s in this for. All the rest is unimportant. Let the ministers, morally purchased by overseas interests, do the bidding of their ethical paymasters. All Boris needs is for you to be baffled. It makes him feel dominant, and less aware that he’s inadequate in comparison to the vain glories he imagined as himself as compensation for childhood, parental abandonment. Although this could all also be bullshit.”
Ah, so he’s made a science of bullshit to make himself feel better? And that’s all it is? That’s why the UK must end?
“Apparently so. It’s the price of enough people voting for negligence. Now, print a story about Johnsons’ vision and verve, and belief in Britain or you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of the carpet.”
DON’T BLAME US YOU VOTED FOR US : DOWNING STREET is stopping at no lengths to meet the challenges the termination of the Article 50 notification period will bring.
“Have you seen the eye watering list of international treaties we’ll have to renegotiate upon leaving the European Union?” a DExEU junior minister asked LCD Views, while clearing out his desk, “seriously, have you seen it? I know it’s around here somewhere. At least now we’ll be doing it from the standpoint of 65m British lions, unhindered by the drag of half a billion bloody Europeans! Hey! Ha! The world won’t know what hit it. Grrr.”
But it’s not just the necessity of renegotiating pretty much our entire relationship with Planet Earth.
“No, there’s also the trade deals to do on Planet Zelta-D-9,” the minister chimed in, “at least I think that’s where the cheapest shoes are online? I can’t find my laptop. Have you seen it? I’ve got the solar system bookmarked.”
And to help all of us help them navigate this exciting new terrain of opportunities 10 Downing Street is to spend another £100m on a new public information campaign.
“You could have stopped us,” the minister noted, in a moment of blazing clarity, “but you were all either manipulated by the micro-targeted, mind control whiz bang trickery of Brexit pushers, or a Lexiter (excuse me while I’ll double over laughing on my hard right midriff) or too bloody apathetic, expecting common sense to return. Well, where’s common sense now? Hey? Seriously. I know I’ve lost it.”
The campaign itself will take a similar format to the “Get Ready For Brexit” one that cost tens of millions and carried absolutely no useful information at all. But this one will be aimed at helping people to understand what happens when the public, as well as the politicians, fail to keep up their side of the bargain which protects democracy under a representative parliament.
“Clearly the remoaners could see the issue,” the minister continued, “but as they officially ceased to exist as politically relevant on 23rd June 2016, we don’t have to worry about it. But this campaign will let everyone know that it’s their fault for re-electing proven charlatans and frauds to parliament. It’s not the fault of the charlatans and frauds. Obvs.”
What’s the new campaign called?
“Get Ready to Share the Blame!” the minister beamed, “it’s to help us make a success of Brexit. Well, whatever it is we’re doing after Brexit. Because apparently by late Friday night we’ve already got that done.”
WE’RE NOT LETTING YOU EAT CAKE : DOWNING STREET has put the entire United Kingdom in the mood to party today with the announcement that one hundred days of bread and circuses will kick off on the 1st February this year.
“Instead of bread there will be cardboard,” a Downing Street source said, announcing the months of celebrations, “although Emperor Borix is willing to bung a bob into a crowdfunder for actual bread, if anyone is interested?”
And what about the circuses?
“Yes. Rumours have been circulating that the demolition of the Houses of Parliament, fast tracked to begin next week, is to make way for the building of the first amphitheatre in London since Romexit. But that’s fake news. We’re just demolishing the Houses of Parliament because they’ve outlived their usefulness, now we have our majority. The area will be replaced with a giant pit for book burnings.”
So where will the circuses be?
“The front pages of The Express, The Daily Mail and The Telegraph,” the source beamed, “just wall to wall hilarious nonsense and distractions from the actual political machinations day after day. Meghan and Harry think it’s all going to blow over? Ha! Not today. Attenborough wants to witter away about the boiling seas? Who cares! Big Ben isn’t going to bong for Brexit. OMFG!!! Grab your hair and take to the streets screaming, if you please.”
But the focus on what some consider distractions are revealing. In many ways the stories symbolise what a trivial, debased and joke country we’ve become. Our elected representatives taken en masse untroubled by the disregard for the rule of electoral law. The public largely treating the same with a shrug.
“Next you’ll be asking me where is the intelligence report into Russian interference in UK democracy?”
Good question.
“And whether or not a follow up one is planned regarding the buying of political and cultural influence to achieve Brexit by US billionaires.”
Now that you mention it…
“What you’re telling me is we need to bring back the page three girls in the tabloids.”
In place of reporting on the abandonment of Mr Johnson’s promises?
“ZNikki (the Z is silent), Shaffold, 21, likes astrophysics. Yeah. Get some of it. Don’t worry about the business of governance. You leave that to me. Enjoy the bread and circuses! On the 1st of February you will awake free! You’ll see.”
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SOMETIMES YOU’VE GOT TO GETAWAY : A PRIME MINISTER OF SOMEWHERE who likes to pretend he’s looking anywhere but the fat wallets of US and Russian billionaires, Boris Johnson, has ordered the construction of a symbol of his ambition.
“It’s the limit of his ambition for his time in office,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “which is very ambitious. Think about it. Most individuals who achieve the highest political office in the land actually have an idea about what they want to get done. Not Boris. He’s happy for other people to have those ideas. He just wants to wear the crown. After that? Let’s just enjoy swanning about the place. He’s a vision alright, it’s of girls in skimpy bikinis on Mustique. Huzzah!”
But the construction of the bridge will have benefits for his newly won heartlands in the Midlands and North of England.
“He’s going to cobble the bridge together out of the hopes and dreams of the voters daft enough to vote for a three word slogan. Get bridges done! That’s the wonder of decades of mismanaged decline. You get people so desperate they’ll grab at anything. Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what the quacks call it, I think?”
Construction of the bridge will begin immediately, at least so far as the redirecting of public funds and recruiting of naive celebrity backers for the scheme.
“Mr Johnson will have Carrie out the back of Downing Street with a pick axe breaking ground,” the source added, “although I suspect that’s to keep her busy while he chats to some fit new filly on Whatsapp at the time. But don’t quote me on that, I just make all this up as I go along.”
Which is exactly how we’re now to be governed. Global Britain – building a bridge to nowhere, some of the time, but mostly only in our minds.
GOVERNMENT IN SELF IMPOSED EXILE : EVER HARDWORKING PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND, BORIS DE WTFACKLE JOHNSON, hasn’t shied away from hard work while on the beach.
“You don’t pay £20,000 per week for a beach holiday on an exclusive millionaire’s retreat, after conning millions of working class voters to back you, before getting away with your latest squeeze to just drink and shag for weeks,” our embedded reporter reports, “not if you’re Al “shagger” Johnsonov. It’s not all play. From what I’ve observed, in between games of Twister, it’s bloody hard work figuring out how to actually stay away on full pay.”
And work it out Boris Johnson has and action he is taking.
“He’s asked Dom to arrange one of the lackey MPs to introduce new legislation levelling up the PM’s holiday pay to 52 weeks per year,” our reporter continues to fabricate,
“it’s necessary to recharge if you’re allowing a bunch of misfits and oddballs to do the job of governing for you. Those moments when you have to hide? When you have to run into the nearest walk-in fridge, you’ve got to be ready for those moments. You’re going to need energy to burn. Admittedly it’s a short burn.”
And judging by news leaking out of the Westminster torture dungeon Short Cummings has been happy to do as required.
“It saves him time,” the reporter adds, “he’s essentially the Johnson ventriloquist dummy’s hand and voice. If Boris just stays away on holiday then Dom saves time not having to pretend Boris is prime minister. He can really get those reforms done in fast time then.”
Which is exactly what you’d expect from an unelected advisor curiously, apparently, currently given carte blanche to do over our entire basis of government.
Enjoy the beach Boris. Why not stay away all year?
Oiling the wheels? Greasy grifter Dominic Raab is trying to pour oil on troubled waters after his boss’ American double fired the first shot of what could escalate into World War Three.
Raab looked sweaty and troubled as he made his play. The diagnostic throbbing vein in his temple was going nineteen to the dozen as Raab looked, in vain, for a fridge to hide in.
“I, erm, that is to say, the government, well, somebody anyway, wants to advise the public to avoid Iran and Iraq,” he stated masterfully. “I am fully in control of the situation, and I will issue further instructions when we find out where the hell Iraq and Iran are.”
Now perspiring visibly, Raab opened his London A-Z with trembling fingers. “Where’s the index in this flipping book?” he muttered under his breath.
One of his long-suffering aides drew him to one side. “Here,” he said, opening out a large sheet of paper showing a map of the world, with the legend ‘My First Atlas’ at the top. Raab bent over to study the document intently. The aide took a large red crayon from his pocket and drew a ring around the British Isles, a big arrow and the words ‘YOU ARE HERE’. He drew another ring around the Middle East and labelled it ‘IRAN AND IRAQ’.
Raab pondered this for some time. “Does the blue bit mean the sea?” he asked finally.
“Yes, Mr Raab,” answered the aide through gritted teeth. Raab looked overjoyed.
“Then this Iran and Iraq place is somewhere foreign?” asked the Foreign Secretary.
“Correct,” confirmed the aide.
“Right, I get it now,” said Raab, comprehension, or at least its distant relative, breaking out all over his face. He stood up again and addressed the room.
“My friends,” he announced proudly. “We live in an independent and very Global Britain. We stand alone. We do not need to concern ourselves with foreign lands. We are British! There is no crisis! There is no need to panic! There is no need to travel to foreign parts! This is why our ferry companies have no boats. The foreigners will come to us, begging for our help!”
With the Prime Minister hiding in Mustique, and the Foreign Secretary hiding in plain sight, we have absolutely nothing to worry about.
