Category: Governing the people

ASLEEP AWAY FROM THE WHEEL : We all know that plenty of sleep is necessary for a healthy immune system and Global Britons can work those zero hours contracts reassured that their prime minister’s immune system is in tip top shape.

“He’s spending the next few days preparing for the cold and fly battle ahead, the Battle of the Sniffles, if you will,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “I am personally encouraging this. While he is away I will dismantle the judiciary, so you can rest assured the work of governing for opaquely funded, American libertarian billionaires continues apace. The country will be ready for the asset fire sales of 2021, mismanagement of the country’s defences against a global pandemic can only assist in that.”

But while many will be reassured that all those billions from across the pond have brought the right people to the top, some are suggesting that the Prime Minister should chair a Cobra meeting before his holiday, just in case a plane load of achoo’s arrive in his absence.

“Nanny state nonsense,” the source countered, “the will of the people is for Boris Johnson to do what he does best, shirk his responsibilities and let functionaries do the heavy lifting, and make him look like he’s paying attention to anything other than his own selfish pleasures and personal advancement. It’s worked well this far.”

So there’s nothing to worry about. As you trundle in and out of the workplaces in overcrowded trains and buses, eyeball to eyeball with other Global Britons, just make sure you’ve some hand sanitiser on you. Once you get out of the carriage and can raise your arms again, give your hands a good scrub. And be sure to breathe out everything you breathed in.

“Don’t worry about old Al,” the source added, “he’s not worrying about you. He’s getting his beauty sleep. We’re not preparing for a global pandemic by talking about Boris Johnson having another holiday. Sometimes it just feels that way.”

Brexit, like 42, is the answer to a question that can never be formulated, let alone asked. But questions can still be asked about it. The old default response, Yeah, but Corbyn, has been consigned to history. Much like Corbyn himself.

These questions still need an answer, though. Cunning Cummingses and brainy bots have been racking their brains for a suitable riposte.

“What we need,” as LCD Views imagined Dominic Cummings to have mused, “is a statement that will answer any Brexity question, however complicated. Like… Yeah, but… blue passports… Yes! I don’t think that there is a single Brexit-related question that it can’t answer. ‘What about the trade deal?’ ‘Yeah, but blue passports’. ‘Won’t Brexit irrevocably weaken our position in Europe, and indeed the world?’ ‘Yeah, but blue passports.’ I think I’ve got it!”

Programming the bots was a simple enough job, but the real fly in the ointment was Boris Johnson. Again, we picture Dom, now standing in front of Johnson. In his hand, a board with the phrases “Yeah, but blue passports” and “Yes” written in large letters.

“Now, Boris, read the words…”

“Drink! Girls! Feck!”

You know how it goes. Now you know why there has been no sign of Johnson for some time – he’s been learning his line.

In the unlikely event that Johnson attends Prime Minister’s Questions and a question about Brexit is raised, he will have an answer to hand. And online, anybody with the temerity to ask awkward factual questions will be bombarded with “Yeah, but we got are blue passports back innit and that’s what matters to me!” until they shut the feck up.

In the end it all comes down to your particular political religion. Which matters more? Freedom and sovereignty and kicking out all the foreigners, but being closed off and insular? Or belonging to a large bloc that operates on a global scale but requires some surrender of sovereignty in return?

Individual freedom or stronger together? Brexit or EU? That would be an ecumenical question.

Where’s Boris? The infamous floppy-haired fridge dweller is rumoured to be toast. Almost literally.

At least we now know where the attraction to walk-in cold storage units comes from. It means the oven-ready dog’s dinner remains palatable that bit longer.

One of our prime ministers is missing, but that no longer matters. The entire cabinet is comprised of ciphers and placemen, who think they have been given the levers of power to pull. Like when you buy your child a toy dashboard so they can pretend to drive the car.

While Johnson has not been seen for some time, the alleged brains behind him is looking better than ever. Well fed and radiant, Dominic Cummings looks as stuffed as the country he presides over.

Cummings is a man who has fingers in a lot of pies. Or in this case, a lot of Boris Johnson’s fingers baked in a pie. Four and twenty, if you also count his toes and a few other random bits and bobs thrown in for good luck.

Cummings is said to have started with the brain. A shocked Downing Street “source” reported that the contents of Johnson’s skull was merely sufficient for an entree. His true brain resides in the trouser department, of course.

Not that the prime gammon minister will need that any more. His tendency to excess has been cured, by immersion in salt water.

Cummings is making a complete meal of things. The absence of the nominal head of government is raising questions. Can the body politic operate without a head? Or, will it behave like a hydra and sprout three more? That would be a lot for Cummings to swallow.

At least there will be one tangible benefit of Cummings’ cunning plan. Johnson, whom many regard as a very dangerous individual, has been rendered ‘armless.

Soon he won’t even have a leg to stand on either.

Some say that the whole Brexit business has torn the heart out of the country, so Cummings is symbolising this by tearing the heart out of his boss and eating it. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the proper gander.

Cummings will not be consuming one part of Johnson. His bollocks will be fed to the general public.

SCRAPE THE BOTTOM AND JUST KEEP SCRAPING : BREXITERS, those ever reliable fonts of wisdom regarding EU rules and regulations, have once again gotten their knickers in a twist and a knot.

This time their ire has been turned onto the country’s waterways and what we can and can not do to them, according to those unelected, faceless Brusselcrats!

In particular, the flooding that has devastated large swathes of the UK is all the EU’s fault, so they say. Apparently some directive about not polluting arable land with heavy metal laden spoils has been taken as a LAW PROHIBITING dredging of rivers and swamps. Or something like that, it would take thirty seconds on Google to find out exactly, and who’s got time for that with all the outrage that needs expressing.

“It’s nonsense,” our resident expert on EU law clarifies, “you just need to take one look at the coterie of shite currently running the UK to be certain that dredging has been ongoing. And what’s been dredged up has been placed on the top.”

Perhaps the misdirection of outrage is there to stop people asking Where’s Boris? As the flood hit communities flounder. And where’s the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference? And how’s the Arcuri inquiry getting along? And who leaked the Darroch emails? And who paid for Boris Johnson’s £15,000 a week holiday? And..and…so on.

Next Brussels will be telling us we can’t scrape the bottoms of our barrels too! But only until the 31st of December 2020.

“It’s too late for that too,” our expert adds, “the barrel is well and truly scraped and the bottom dragged out. The digging equipment is into what lies underneath.”

And what is that?

“Why the swamp.”

WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A REVOLUTION : THE HOME OFFICE has issued stout advice today to the millions of “economically inactive” Britons, just slumming about raising kids, caring for infirm or elderly members of their communities, being infirm themselves or wasting their time incurring massive debts over text books.

“The notion of the unpaid labour of women is right out the window,” a Home Office red eyed, laser sighting, metal talon clawed robot advised, “so too the labour of stay at home dads and the like. 2020? Get on your bike! We’re turning the clock back to a golden age.”

But there is a way to avoid the stigma of being classed as “economically inactive”, should patriotic Britons so desire.

“It’s easy,” the robot went on, it’s head rotating faster and faster, “primary carers are advised to begin billing their infants with invoices that will be liable to VAT, given the sheer amount of cost involved.”

To make it easier the Home Office will be releasing suggested charging schedules for duties such as nappy changing, colic treatment, outside excursions, sleep services and so on.

“Although the free market will ultimately decide the level any duty is charged at in Brexitannia.”

Clearly also elderly relatives, the disabled – if being cared for by family members, and others should also now be charged, so as to not stain their carers with the new shame of economic inactivity.

“It will have the added advantage of bringing younger members of the community out of schools and into the workforce much earlier,” the robot added, it’s eyes heating up and ready to burn, “which will alleviate the pressure to fund schools. It’s really a win win for everyone.”

There’s no sitting about just letting the computer algorithms of the casino traders now running the government do all the work for you. If you have a child, it needs to know it needs to pay. As we all will.

MARKED SAFE IN A WALK IN FRIDGE : FLASHMAN PRODUCTIONS, famous for chronicling Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s meteridiotic rise to the top of the Conservative and Unionist (theoretical) Party has announced a new FEATURE documentary, to hit screens (like a rotten tomato) in 2020. Splat!

“Dude, Where’s my Prime Minister?” is being filmed as we go to print in South Wales, Yorkshire and other places of the UK that it’s highly likely Mr Johnson could even name, if he could even be assed to try.

Big budget house, COBRA Productions, were initially expected to be involved in the documentary, but pulled out before filming started, stating “We didn’t even know it was happening? Wait? What? There’s flooding?”

The film itself will zero in on Mr Johnson’s visible, public reactions to the flooding that is currently ravaging many areas of the country. His difficulties walking the Downing Street dog in a deluge and how Carrie is managing to keep her hair looking less insane than her lover’s.

“It will actually be a short film,” a spokesman for Flashman told LCD Views, “incredibly short. It’s incorrect to call it a feature. It’s not really even a short. At the moment all it is is a poster.”

But why so short?

“Because of a flaw in the premise, I’m happy to admit.”

And what’s that?

“We decided to focus on Mr Johnson’s visible, public reaction to the floods causing misery and terror across the country, his leadership of communities in crisis, and not his big dreams for big bridges. And right now his visible reaction to the floods is zero.”

Perhaps you should have filmed a fly on the wall documentary about Mr Johnson spending all this week on holiday, regardless of what’s happening to the country…

GET DE-NERDIFICATION DONE : BORIS JOHNSON leads a government now rapidly defenestrating itself of experts in all areas.

“It’s because people have had quite enough of them,” a Michael Gove impersonator told LCD Views. “And quite right too. They tend to tell you no. Boris doesn’t do no’s.”

And Global Britons don’t do no either. Well, at least not while they’re in the post Article 50 transition. At least not until they start talking to the EU from the vantage point of a third country. But even then, we’ll just block our ears and say no. Just so.

With disaster capitalists and casino traders now running the economy, there’s only one way we can go. Boom to bust and make a killing.

“We really are making great strides with throwing all the experts out of the window,” the Gove mirror crows, “we’ve got rid of the trade experts, quite visibly, we’ve left the largest free trade zone on Earth in order to forge a new future as a free trade supremo. The nest of Tufton Street think tanks would like to thanks us, on behalf of their shadowy funders, for that.”

That’s some expert ignoring of expert evidence right there. Let’s platform a ‘think tank’ and free ourselves of fact based policy making.

“And we’ve got rid of the diplomatic experts. We’ve shown that by not sitting next to anyone that used to be our friends. Take that Junker. We’ve taken back control of isolation in order to be forge new friendships. And given the motorway pile up our diplomatic relations are becoming with the US, and even Australia, we’re showing why you don’t need experts here too.”

I mean, we’ve Dominic ‘human hard-on’ Raab running the FCO, proof is in the pudding.

“We’re definitely getting rid of bridge building experts. They’ll say you can’t build a bridge to Ireland over a WW2 munitions dump. Such small horizons. You can if you use empty wine crates! Save on the weight, save on the risk of explosions!”

Genius.

“The BBC has got to go! You don’t need experts in disseminating information to the public if you don’t want the public to have information. No. No. No.”

Yeah! Let’s learn to drool our own way.

“And now to show just how liberalising our one nation Conservative government is, we’re hiring in special advisors that favour eugenics. Let’s just be governed by a bunch of self-styled, inheritance rich mavericks, high on the scent of their own misunderstandings and with a fetish for fascism. We can build a new nation wholly comprised of blonde haired super children! Global Britain! Here we go! We’re not racists, but, we like us some eugenics.”

We may have had quite enough of experts, as symbolised by Brexit, but by the time this mad and vicious clown car government has finished we may well need some experts to put us all back together again…

PEOPLE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE VOTING FOR : Sauron’s minor functionary, Michael Gove, has been tasked with a duty additional to torturing hobbits for fun, he now has to oversee the complete subjugation of the British judiciary to self-interested, poor hating autocracy.

What he will recommend is not hard to forecast. All you have to do is look at the Tory Party’s record in government.

“It’s definitely going to be a ring based justice system,” an aide to the Govester told LCD Views, “although I think we can safely assume he will not advise a ring he made for the kings of all the different races. Rather, to spare unnecessary expense, just one ring.”

The ring itself will be made of gold.

“9ct. This will give it the strength required. It’s going to be under quite a lot of pressure. It’ll have to work the magic of taking a slowly liberalising, generally functional, modern representative democracy and turn it into a far right, triumphalist, fascist cash cow for whoever funds all those dodgy ‘think tanks’ nested like vipers at 55 Tufton Street.”

Great! And we hear there will be an inscription on ring?

“Yes. It’s a well known verse. It goes :

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.”

How did they get there? The last cabinet member to climb the greasy fencepost has quit, leaving a row of startled turtles in charge of national affairs.

The country has been sold a pig in a poke and is making a dog’s dinner of it. The horse trading has left us with a tranche of trapped turtles to lead the lemmings off the cliff edge

Some brand new turtles have been placed upon the posts by the crawlin’ howlin’ king snake in the grass, “Classic” Dom Cummings himself. These turtles are neither teenage, mutant or ninja, although they are possibly addicted to pizza as well as certain stronger substances.

The new reptiles on the block include one time hedge fund manager Rishi Sunak. Can Sunak adapt his hedge experience to fences? At least, as a turtle, he should be familiar with the use of shell companies.

Sunak joins more established fence sitters like Liz Truss. She appears to have been superglued to her post since nothing seems to shift her.

Esther McVey and Andrea Leadsom were dislodged, as some of the brickbats thrown their way found their mark.

The serpent seems to have taken back control. The last time a snake was allowed to influence affairs, it persuaded a woman to eat an apple, and we all know how well that turned out.

The elephant in the room is still Brexit, although as use of the word is forbidden. Maybe we should instead say Br*x*t. Is it done, oven ready or half baked? It won’t be over until the fat lady sings, and Boris Johnson putting on one of Jennifer Arcuri’s frocks and yodelling London Bridge Is Falling Down doesn’t count.

The cat is out of the bag. The elephant will bug the UK for donkeys’ years. The rats will leave the stinking ship. And the turtles? They will remain in – or on – post until the cows come home.

Buses means buses. Boris Johnson’s government has only one use for them: as banners for slogans. And the more expensive the better.

£5bn doesn’t go far when you are buying Routemasters. In fact, it doesn’t even get as far as the terminus, instead it turns around and returns to the depot.

£5bn equates to roughly 15,000 new Big Red Boris Buses, which means there is only space to paint 15,000 Big Fat Lies on the sides.

The Ministry of Truth is hard at work deciding which slogans to deploy. All the old favourites are guaranteed bus space: Easiest Deal In History, Frictionless Trade, and of course They Need Us More Than We Need Them.

Ministry wonks were pondering whether to include Non-Whites Without An Unblemished Record (Including Parking Tickets) Will Be Deported To Jamaica. However it was deemed too truthful, and Britain Is A Welcoming And Inclusive Country was substituted.

At least 100 buses have been earmarked to carry disingenuous bollocks about fishing.

However the suspicion remains that buying buses is Boris’ primary distraction technique. Since he is also building bridges again, there must be something truly ghastly going on under the radar.

Firstly, Michael Gove has resurfaced. These days Gove is only ever released from protective custody to play the pantomime baddie, making some far fetched announcement like the reintroduction of tariffs or customs checks. We can all boo and hiss, because after all it’s only Michael Gove.

Secondly, all the disadvantages of Brexit are being slipped out in a low key manner, while the media deliberately wail about a supposedly lethal virus which has infected approximately six whole people and generally makes you feel a bit poorly for a while.

It is only a matter of time before Jacob Rees-Mogg emerges from his Victorian Gothic novella to pronounce poshly in pig Latin.

So let’s cheer as the lies roll past on the Boris Buses over the Boris Bridge while our rights, jobs and lives are cut from underneath us.