Category: Governing the people

MUMMY’S GOT BODY ARMOUR : Downing Street is expected to release more advice today, via a “source”, on how people can cope in the apocalypse.

The wisdom of releasing major public policy announcements via anonymous briefings to client journalists in a time of national crisis, when people need clear leadership and clarity of instruction, is not under discussion here.

“While zombies themselves are not known to favour head to toe body wrappings,” the source acknowledged, in what we received as a surprising depth of knowledge in detail for this shambles, “they do however tend to ignore other undead specimens. For this reason disguising yourself as a mummy is recommended, should you have surplus toilet paper that you are unable to sell for a profit on the burgeoning black market.”

Other suggestions for toilet paper, apart from the obvious use as pasta substitutes, is to build “hoop style skirts by way of wrapping up home made twig and branch constructions – sticks as can be found in any back yard – to ensure social distancing, while remaining fashionably dressed in the home”.

But critics have been quick to point out that “while disguising oneself as a mummy may provide an initial protection” it won’t be long before the zombies smell the perspiration of the living human and attack.

“The toilet paper would have to be wrapped so densely so as to render movement slow, shuffling and uncoordinated.”

Other critics have hit back saying “that just adds to the defensive qualities of the disguise, by way of blending in better. And besides, in spite of portrayals in popular television shows and movies, zombies lack the jaw strength to bite through any toilet paper wrapping thicker than a few inches.”

This seems to be a point that will remain under contention, but LCD Views would advise that the best advice is just to stay home and build a fort from the rolls and play with the kids and pets.

NO SCORE CAN’T BE A HIGH SCORE : Much has been made in recent days of the perceived failure of leadership from Downing Street. In particular questions have been asked about the decision to stop large scale public testing for Covid-19 in the UK.

LCD Views has reacted to this with our usual insightful, investigative reflex and invented a Downing Street ‘source’ to explain the rationale behind the decision.

“We never started wide scale public testing to begin with,” our ‘source pushed back, in an interview with LCD Views’ ‘Testing Times’ correspondent, “so it’s a bit rum to criticise us for stopping something we didn’t start. We’re not South Korea.”

But how can you know the extent of the problem faced if you don’t attempt to find out?

“That’s not very patriotic of you. Why are you trying to turn this into a party political issue?”

I wasn’t. Although, given the underfunding and intentional deterioration to the scope and readiness of public services over the last decade, you can definitely, legitimately make this a party political issue. Neoliberal economic policies, combined with hard right, nationalist isolationism does not appear to make the UK best placed to confront Covid-19?

“We can’t be seen to be doing the same as the bloody continentals,” our ‘source’ scoffed, “it would undermine the will of the people.”

Most of them are closing their borders.

“See! Outrageous. They can’t do that as members of the EU. This is why we had to Brexit.”

To keep our borders open in a time of global, pandemic crisis, wherein controlling the flow of people will help control the transmission of the virus?

“Exactly. Anyway, we don’t have to close our borders as everyone is closing theirs for us. This way we look international and outward focused. It’s a complete PR triumph.”

[The source then coughed.]

Can we get back to testing for Covid-19. Have you been tested?

“That’s a private matter.”

Arguably it’s a matter of public interest.

[The source then began to sweat.]

“We aren’t testing, except to confirm that people who have passed away from Covid-19 have passed away from Covid-19. It’s all bloody obvious.”

But if you don’t test you don’t know the scale of the problem you are facing. How can you then best prepare to face the challenge?

“Denial of reality has worked to get Brexit. Mixed messaging, leaked briefings, favourite journalists, nudge the public the way you want, it’s a winning strategy. It will work with the virus.”

You’re not up to the task of managing this are you?

“We’re letting the public make the moves and then following. It puts us in the position of being leaders, will of the people and all that. You’ll see. We’ll be on top of this virus in no time. Soon everyone will have it.”

And then you don’t need to test for it?

“Precisely, and the money saved can be spent renting hospital beds off private health interests.”

It’s a dog’s life. Yet another prominent figure has tendered his resignation amid allegations of bullying. This time it is not a mere unelected bureaucrat, but the highly influential Downing Street figure of Dilyn the Dog.

The named bully is none other than the once highly popular Larry the Cat. “Larry is always scratching, backbiting and leaving dead mice in my basket,” barked Dilyn. “It leaves me feeling ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff.”

Dilyn isn’t the first inhabitant of Downing Street to be dogged by Larry. The malicious moggy is also facing accusations from Babe, David Cameron’s pet pig, and Boris the Downing Street poodle. He is also defending a class action from a number of harassed mice.

Larry has been stoutly defended by Downing Street. There is no way he will end up in the doghouse.

LCD Views managed to track down Babe to St Gammon’s Kill And Cure Rest Sty for Retired Swine. Babe was very forthcoming about her experiences with Larry.

“That cat was a right bastard,” snorted Babe. “He never left me and Dave alone in peace. I was employed to do just the one job for Dave, but Larry saw to it that my life was made hell. Every time we got down to business, and I use the term advisedly, he would scratch at the door and yowl. Every time Dave got his trousers up and opened the door, Larry would just sit there like he owned the place, be sick on my trotters and stalk out. I was in therapy for years after.”

Talk about making a silk ear from a sow’s purse. Or whatever.

As for the rodents, well it’s a cat and mouse situation. Spokesmouse Barry the Rat claimed that Larry was engaged in a vendetta against his family. “Constantly chasing us, killing us and frightening the children,” squeaked Barry indignantly. “We are permanently ratty, and haven’t stolen any of the Prime Minister’s cheese for weeks!”

Sorry, Dilyn. Life’s a bitch.

INTELLIGENCE MATTERS OR MAYBE NOT : COVID-19 FACED STIFF COMPETITION to hold the front pages today as the news broke that Boris Johnson had appointed Britain’s ‘Einstein’ Chris Grayling to head up the important Intelligence and Security Committee.

“It’s genius,” a Downing Street source, who normally looks after the 10 Downing Street rescue dog, commented, “Boris is desperate to give John Crace someone else to focus on. Grayling heading up the Intelligence committee? Wow! Talk about irony overload. The sketch writers will now completely ignore Johnson and his goings on. Classic Dom, as someone once said.”

The appointment also solves another tricky problem for Downing Street.

“The old boys must be looked after in the club, even the complete and utter idiots. Grayling excelled at taking money from the public coffers and putting them, by way of policy bungling, into private pockets. He has earned every bit of this new appointment.”

It will presumably make not releasing the Intelligence Report on Russian Interference into UK Democracy a breeze.

“Wait until he tries to photocopy that explosive tome and puts it in the microwave instead! No long grass needed. Boom! Up in smoke. Genius.”

Although there are some worrying signs early on with the switch from Grieve (overqualified and just irritating) to Grayling (perfection).

“Okay. There’s an early problem, but we’re sure by spending a few billion of the taxpayers’ hard earned coin we can sort it out and keep all customers happy.”

What problem could Grayling possibly have created? And this early on?

“He’s only gone and offered a free Intelligence Report on Russian Interference with every family size pizza ordered between now and December.”

VIRAL REDISTRIBUTION : Some things Tory MPs aren’t keen to share between rich and poor, like magic money tree inheritances, the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, and the profits from casino gambling with people’s pensions. But when it comes to a potentially lethal viral cold they appear much more generous.

“We’re levelling up Coronavirus,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, on the back of the news that Health Minister Nadine Dorries is the first high profile politician to be infected.

“So we’ve no plans to test minsters or the prime minister, or anyone that Dorries has been in contact with. At least not so far as we’ll admit publicly, because then everyone will expect testing.”

To this end large public gatherings are still going ahead. Jammed commuter services are still operating and schools remain the greatest place to catch a cold going.

“Also a full sitting of parliament today, with Dominic Raab looking like he’s having trouble negotiating a bad cold,” the spokesman nodded, “and then everyone back out to their constituency surgeries and swanky events. We’re British. We’re not Italian. Covid-19 knows this.”

Right…

“Look, we can’t have the panic until there’s something to panic over, like a pandemic,” the source continued, “an unwillingness to look reality squarely in the face and act in a preemptive fashion would make a failure of Brexit. It’s how we govern now. Don’t you like it? We definitely aren’t planning to explain to people how we will maintain all vital supplies and services in the event of the inevitable lockdown in a week or two. If they don’t go out and panic buy then how will we achieve record growth in the first quarter of 2020? Brexit stockpiling really gave the economy a boost.”

When pressed as to why mass public gatherings like the Cheltenham races were still going ahead, with 60,000 people in close contact on the first day, the spokesman shrugged.

“Horses can’t get Covid-19, any fool knows that.”

Hook Line And Stinker : What you going to do? You have to take back control of your borders, especially the WET ones, especially the ones containing YOUR fish.

So goes the thinking inside the lairs of mad geniuses, located at Downing Street, the Kremlin, Washington and Tufton Street today, as they guide the United Kingdom into an entertaining, if somewhat slippery, future.

“It’s almost as if the mad, kleptomaniac, offshore, tax evading billionaire fuknuckles that have bought and paid for Brexit were so bored they thought, let’s see if we can get the English and French to have a war again? Let’s see if we can start it over fish? That’ll be the prize catch of Brexit,” suggests our very own fishy affairs expert.

“Or maybe they just wanted to really humiliate the UK? Just how stupid can we make it look, collectively, before it breaks apart into different low tax, zero regulation territories?”

But whatever the motivation, the warning from Downing Street to the EU that we’ve bought a couple of extra ships and we’re prepared to fire on the Continentals if we DON’T GET WHAT WE WANT, that warning will be heard.

“There is some appreciation thought of the even handedness of the latest bit of jingoistic nonsense in Brussels,” our EXPERT adds, “I mean they could just have warned we’ll sink the French! But to also request that they sink any of our fishing vessels that stray into their territorial waters? That shows the pragmatism that Brits are famous for hasn’t completely sunk without trace with Brexit.”

Johnson means Johnson! The Procreating Premier has made preparations for the next time his government is obliged to announce bad news. The newly installed harem of busty blonde concubines will take it in turns to be impregnated by Bonking Boris.

This naturally means that the shambling shagger will be very busy indeed. Boris the man isn’t known for his hard graft, but Boris’s Johnson will be working double time.

In short, the lecherous leader has put himself out to stud. Expect a population explosion of bumbling blonde babies, who will expect to rise effortlessly through the strata of society. Cream rises, they say. Unfortunately, so do big shits.

There is a scale, of course. A prominent cabinet member bullying a respected senior official into constructive dismissal, one baby. Being forced to follow EU regulations after discovering that nobody wants to trade our substandard goods, two babies. Releasing the Russia Report will have to wait until one of the pneumatic brood fillies conceives triplets.

Some would have argued that the right man for the job was Jacob Rees-Mogg. However, the Georgian gravedigger sticks firmly to his Catholic morals, in bedroom matters at least. Although it is about time Mrs Rees-Mogg did her wifely duty and got up the duff again.

Instead the priapic Prime Minister has taken matters into his own hands. Well, maybe not literally into his own hands. In these desperate times every drop of Essence Of Johnson is a precious resource, and is not to be spaffed up the wall. Waste not, want not.

The recipients will allegedly be remunerated on a pay-per-poke basis. They will be employed on zero hours contracts, although more realistically they will actually be thirty second contracts.

It will require a supreme act of stamina from the aging Johnson, who is going to seed, just as he has done for his entire adult life.

And what do you imagine will he say to Carrie? Not tonight, dear, I’ve got a headache.

SOME MOTHERS DO ‘AVE ‘EM : The UK’s most famous father, committed family man, Alexander Boris words words words Johnson, has announced he will be taking paternity leave in anticipation of his latest child arriving.

“Mostly he’ll be stockpiling on wine. The staff can get the nappies in,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “all that crying in the middle of the night replaced by the mewling infant? The crackled nipples of the latest mother now out of bounds. It’s a tough gig, being a sperm donor. But there is the tangible benefit of knowing that Charles Darwin is looking at you and going, natural selection wins again! Way hey!”

The paternity leave will be more than standard, but that’s because Mr Johnson has earned it.

“He’s backdating his paternity leave allowance to account for all the children he hasn’t taken it for so far,” the source continued, “which basically puts him on leave until retirement.”

But he’s not a selfish man, he only intends to take a few years off.

“Dom will let him know when it’s time to get back to work,” the source added, “in the run up to the 2024 general election Mr Johnson will be back in front of the webcam proudly telling Global Britons that it’s the finest British mud they’re eating post Brexit, and to vote for him for another five years of having to decide whether or not to use that tin of food as a weapon while rioting, or to eat first, riot after?”

But surely the part-time prime minister, but full time dad, will need a slogan to rally the people behind him?

“It’s already sorted,” the source beamed, “Get Fathering Done! And then get it done with someone else. And then get it done with someone else again. Basically just keep getting it done with as many women as you can.”

Imagine what the right wing press would be saying about the expectant couple if they were working class? Father a known serial adulterer who refuses to say how many children he has, has already been taking to court to prove paternity of a child, the mother to be formerly his mistress, now his fiancee, before he’s finished divorcing his second wife, both of them put up at taxpayer’s expense…it’s a Daily Mail dream headline with anyone other than Boris.

ASLEEP AWAY FROM THE WHEEL : We all know that plenty of sleep is necessary for a healthy immune system and Global Britons can work those zero hours contracts reassured that their prime minister’s immune system is in tip top shape.

“He’s spending the next few days preparing for the cold and fly battle ahead, the Battle of the Sniffles, if you will,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “I am personally encouraging this. While he is away I will dismantle the judiciary, so you can rest assured the work of governing for opaquely funded, American libertarian billionaires continues apace. The country will be ready for the asset fire sales of 2021, mismanagement of the country’s defences against a global pandemic can only assist in that.”

But while many will be reassured that all those billions from across the pond have brought the right people to the top, some are suggesting that the Prime Minister should chair a Cobra meeting before his holiday, just in case a plane load of achoo’s arrive in his absence.

“Nanny state nonsense,” the source countered, “the will of the people is for Boris Johnson to do what he does best, shirk his responsibilities and let functionaries do the heavy lifting, and make him look like he’s paying attention to anything other than his own selfish pleasures and personal advancement. It’s worked well this far.”

So there’s nothing to worry about. As you trundle in and out of the workplaces in overcrowded trains and buses, eyeball to eyeball with other Global Britons, just make sure you’ve some hand sanitiser on you. Once you get out of the carriage and can raise your arms again, give your hands a good scrub. And be sure to breathe out everything you breathed in.

“Don’t worry about old Al,” the source added, “he’s not worrying about you. He’s getting his beauty sleep. We’re not preparing for a global pandemic by talking about Boris Johnson having another holiday. Sometimes it just feels that way.”

Brexit, like 42, is the answer to a question that can never be formulated, let alone asked. But questions can still be asked about it. The old default response, Yeah, but Corbyn, has been consigned to history. Much like Corbyn himself.

These questions still need an answer, though. Cunning Cummingses and brainy bots have been racking their brains for a suitable riposte.

“What we need,” as LCD Views imagined Dominic Cummings to have mused, “is a statement that will answer any Brexity question, however complicated. Like… Yeah, but… blue passports… Yes! I don’t think that there is a single Brexit-related question that it can’t answer. ‘What about the trade deal?’ ‘Yeah, but blue passports’. ‘Won’t Brexit irrevocably weaken our position in Europe, and indeed the world?’ ‘Yeah, but blue passports.’ I think I’ve got it!”

Programming the bots was a simple enough job, but the real fly in the ointment was Boris Johnson. Again, we picture Dom, now standing in front of Johnson. In his hand, a board with the phrases “Yeah, but blue passports” and “Yes” written in large letters.

“Now, Boris, read the words…”

“Drink! Girls! Feck!”

You know how it goes. Now you know why there has been no sign of Johnson for some time – he’s been learning his line.

In the unlikely event that Johnson attends Prime Minister’s Questions and a question about Brexit is raised, he will have an answer to hand. And online, anybody with the temerity to ask awkward factual questions will be bombarded with “Yeah, but we got are blue passports back innit and that’s what matters to me!” until they shut the feck up.

In the end it all comes down to your particular political religion. Which matters more? Freedom and sovereignty and kicking out all the foreigners, but being closed off and insular? Or belonging to a large bloc that operates on a global scale but requires some surrender of sovereignty in return?

Individual freedom or stronger together? Brexit or EU? That would be an ecumenical question.