Category: Governing the people

10 OF THE BEST : Downing Street has moved today to quell criticism of its Covid-19 pandemic policies by explaining who is to blame.

“Clearly it was an error to allow the nation’s teachers to design our pandemic response day by day,” a senior source inside the dark satanic mill told LCD Views, “you would have thought with all the free time they have on their hands teachers would have made a better fist of it and kept the R value below the mortality value. Or however that works. I am not a math teacher. Frankly, I’m sure I speak for the entire United England when I say I am disappointed.”

Exactly what teachers have to say for themselves isn’t yet clear. According to government sources most are “skiving off work like your average lobby fodder MP over summer recess”.

“If it wasn’t for teachers insisting they could teach the hardworking men and women nestled in the crab infested loins of Downing Street best how to defeat Coronavirus, well, we would already have fully ended the half assed non-lockdown lockdown. I blame them fairly.”

Clearly the only avenue left to teachers is to make amends for the lethal shambles they’ve caused by taking control of the pandemic management, and reopen schools forthwith.

“It’s perfectly safe to go back to underfunded, packed classrooms with insufficient resources. Everyone knows that under 18’s can only pass the particular strain of CV-19 they are unlikely to catch to one another. And I don’t see too many 17 year olds working as teachers. Do you?”

Do your bit teachers. Remember, your sacrifice will be rewarded with Boris ‘fat boy slim’ Johnson clapping LIKE A SEAL on a doorstep once a week with whoever he’s currently shagging. Or by Boris getting the clap off whoever he’s currently shagging. You choose! Your country needs you!

In unrelated news, a furore has kicked off over the spelling of the badges being made to boost teacher morale. English teachers have taken uxbridge at the omission of the “e” at the start of the world “XPENDABLE”…

TAX IS BEST KEPT IN A HAVEN : 500 billion British blue passports are right now being stuffed into brown paper bags to be dropped at an undisclosed location as U.K. Gov prepares to pay the bill for the Covid-19 furlough scheme.

“Someone has to pay for it, it’s just common sense,” Random Tory MP told Radio 4’s Yesterday programme, “there’s no magic money tree you know, just ask the nurses. And it should be the people who caused the crisis by getting sick with a pandemic to begin with.”

But critics of the decision to use British blue passports have leapt on the fact that Coronavirus may not currently be able to exchange the British passports for useful passports, as every border but the UK’s remains closed.

“These nannywobblers worried that CV-19 will come back even angrier when it finds the paper the passports are printed on is worthless need to stop talking Britain down. The Brexit blues are so ramped you with sovereignty Covid-19 will find itself able to found its own nation state the moment it throws the bags in the back of the stolen van.”

And what might CV-19 call its new country?

“Why the United Kingdom of course,” Random Tory MP shrugged, “following on from our ‘take it on the chin‘ approach, it’s only sensible. Can I have my jelly babies now please? I need to pop back off into obscurity and wait for the call up to cabinet the whips promised me.”

Power to the people! Yeah coz democracy. No coz communism. Erm… let’s have a managed no deal referendum!

In a measure that comes as a complete surprise to observers of this government, the major decisions are being sub-contracted out to the general public.

Who would have guessed? The successor to an administration that chickened out of making a decision about the country’s future relationship with Europe has chickened out of making a decision about how to handle a lockdown.

LCD Views sought the opinion of former governmental advisor, and current angry frustrated madman, Gordon Bennett.

“I give up with this bunch of incompetent charlatans,” he raged. “They have been brought up to do whatever the flip they like, and leave matron to clear up the mess. All their decisions have always been made for them. Public school taught them to bully and cheat their way through life. These men are useless in charge of anything, but ideal if you want to plan a midnight raid on the kitchens.”

This abdication of duty is also how we ended up with Brexit.

“Precisely,” Bennett spluttered. “David Cameron refuses to face down the extremists in his party. Instead he tried to fob them off with a referendum. Well we all know what happened next. Instead of facing the music, he ran away and hid in a shed.”

Something of a common thread here.

“Johnson rarely comes out of his fridge these days,” said Bennett through gritted teeth. “Where we need strength, we get weakness. Where we need courage, we get cowardice. Where we need clarity, we get a vague load of meaningless waffle. Where we need visible leadership, we get Dominic fucking Raab.”

And the decisions about going to work, health and safety, travel and so on, are being left to the common sense of The People.

“Life or death decisions are being pushed on to people who shove creme eggs up their bum and think that Boaty McBoatface is a good name for a polar exploration ship,” he almost screamed. “Gordon Bennett! I despair, I really do.”

There will not be another referendum. The People are up shit creek without a paddle, and those nominally in charge are expected to take the money and run any day now.

The government’s guidelines for coping with the current crisis have been criticised for being more than a little vague of late, but the source of those guidelines has now been identified. A keen-eyed observer has pointed out that the guidelines bear a remarkable resemblance to the rules of a modern game.

The game in question is Mornington Crescent.

According to Professor Humphrey Rushton, the world’s leading authority on the rules, every single rule has parallels in the current crisis:

“It’s uncanny,” he told LCD Views via a Zoom chat. “It’s as if he’s taken each and every rule and applied it to the COVID-19 crisis. According to Stovold’s Second Ruling, players can only move an even number of stations along from mainline termini unless they absolutely have to travel by an odd number. That’s like stay in unless you need to go out.”

And that’s far from the only similarity.

“According to the original version of the rules, transverse laterals can only be blocked from the south unless you’re approaching from the north,” the Professor went on, “the parallels here are self-explanatory and only an idiot would need that one explaining.”

Indeed they are. The other obvious parallel is the Brooke-Taylor Gambit, which states huffing is expressly forbidden unless you really really want to put the other player at an unfair disadvantage.

“That’s basic government policy most of the time anyway,” Professor Rushton went on. “And there’s more parallels even than that. I haven’t even started on Montague’s Amendment where the entire Circle Line is wild.”

There have also been reports of parallels to other bizarre games, most notably the card game Fizzbin, whose best known champion was none other than Captain James T. Kirk, who famously triumphed on planet Sigma Iotia II by scoring a Royal Fizzbin – the odds of which are so astronomical they have never been calculated.

At this rate, we can expect the end of the crisis to be announced by the prime minister shouting out “Mornington Crescent!” at the top of his lungs. Assuming he manages to find his way out of the fridge.

FOLLOWING THE ARS-ON SCIENCE : Pants Fire extraordinaire chief, Boris “accelerant” Johnson, has today confirmed the U.K. has moved forward.

“It happened while I was asleep,” Mr Johnson said, with words some suspected were designed to avoid accountability.

“So sometime between 2am and 11:30am today the country ramped up CV-19.”

Mr Johnson said it was really “a stroke of luck” that he woke up so early, or he may not have known before afternoon tea.

The new stage appears to build on the earlier work done by the FUBAR strategy of pandemic management.

“We are controlling the virus,” he went on, “with our initial policies we’re controlling it all over the country. We’ve really levelled up London and the north. And we’re a long way to solving the social care crisis, just as promised.”

The public can expect to enjoy the benefits of the latest stage as they resume using mass transport to go to workplaces unfit for viral control.

“By pouring petrol on the blaze we can get it over faster and begin to rebuild,” Mr Johnson beamed, “while other countries are still chasing their tails we’ll be siftng through the rubble to see what stone is good to rob and re-erect mighty Britannia on the world stage!”

But for voters who will be nostalgic for the two months of Schrödinger’s lockdown, Mr Herd Immunity has words of reassurance.

“You’ll still be able to hear me fiddling. It’s about all I do. So like Theseus finding himself suddenly in a hair dresser with the Gorgon, stay alert for important passages of improvisation in the mood music. You should be able to detect them through the sound of the UK’s crackling roof timbers.”

WATCH YOUR TONE: The mask has slipped. But put it back on quickly before anyone gets the virus. The fatuous filibusterer and acting Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has issued advice to his critics. It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt, he says.

“Let me be perfectly clear about this,” he spluttered to the virtual press conference, in which the press was not allowed to ask questions. “I’m doing this for your own good! If you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer, which makes you look stupid for asking it, if indeed you did ask, and if you didn’t, well you might have done, and what I’m really saying is, you must stay alert to avoid looking stupid, but it’s up to you, but whatever you do, stay alert!”

What does “stay alert” mean, asked a member of the public.

“Well, really, it means to stay alert, unless you can’t, but you should try to, well, the most important thing is to stay alert and don’t travel by bus, unless you have to, and even then don’t do it, and later today there is a 130 page dossier coming out which explains exactly what stay alert means,”

Clear as muddied waters.

Why don’t you follow your own advice, asked another pleb.

“I’m always staying alert,” waffled Johnson. “Oo, oo, oo, oo, staying alert, staying alert. Do as I say, not as I do. Protect the NHS by being alert at all times, keep calm and carry on, if you can, unless you have to go to work, let me be very clear about this, don’t panic, don’t tell ’em, Pike, these tricky blighters are everywhere. Reds under the bed! Fight them on the beaches! Stay alert! Stay alert! Exterminate!”

Johnson has left plenty of room for doubt with his statement, but at least there is nobody in the country who still doubts that he is a fool.

Welcome to the herd! Continuous criticism of the way Boris Johnson and his chums have handled the covid-19 crisis has had an un-herd-of consequence. The government is now completely immune to criticism.

As usual, Boris Johnson has been misleading from the front. He shakes off negative comments with ease. “Criticism? Must be doing something right, old boy,” he was herd to remark by a Downing Street ‘source’. “Like water off a duck’s arse, wiff waff, keep calm and hide in a fridge and all that.”

Upon hearing this nauseating drivel, government lickspittle Laura Kuenssberg practically wet herself, before penning another embarrassing love letter to Johnson.

Emboldened ministers have followed suit. Matt Hancock now feels that he can be patronising, smug and rude while telling people to watch their tone.

Priti Patel is so convinced by her own numeracy skills that she thinks she should be Education Secretary.

Dominic Raab can now locate Dover on a map (with a little help). This means that he now believes he knows where Foreign is, so he is free to be the best Foreign Secretary ever.

As a treat, therefore, Chris Grayling has ordered a celebratory ferry with garlic bread and extra mozzarella.

This outpouring of misplaced confidence shows how effective the herd immunity strategy has been. To explain its mysteries, we consulted eminent expert Dr Sigmund Fraud.

“The strategy displays a triumph of ego over reality,” opined Dr Fraud. “Johnson’s blithe optimism and utterly misplaced confidence have infected the entire government.”

You must have a cure. Tell us there is a cure.

“There is a cure,” lied Dr Fraud. “But, seriously, covid-19 is like foot and mouth disease. The only way to neutralise it is mass culling. Or, if that seems slightly inhuman, letting infected people die, and brand it as nature taking its course.”

And how can the immunity to criticism be tackled?

“That requires unwavering exposure to facts and reality,” said Dr Fraud. “Unfortunately, much of the press and the opposition have developed herd immunity to facts and reality. The good news is that it’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes. It only takes one person to point out the truth to the sufferer to put them on the road to recovery.”

And so the government marches on, like a herd of elephants in the room.

Ramp up! Ramp up! The alt-increase in testing has been explained. There are many thousands of covid-19 tests, oven ready, to be sent out on the post. Unfortunately, they have run out of stamps.

Lights On But Nobody Home Secretary, Priti Patel, is on the case.

“I personally ensured that there would be sufficient supplies,” she fibbed, consulting her notes. “I personally ordered one hundredty million thousand and thirteenty dozen and diddly squat.”

That’s all well and good, but where did you order them from?

“Turkey, of course, they have got loads that we can have,” she replied, again after riffling through her papers. “They will be on a supply plane today!”

We know that hundreds of small post offices across the country have offered to supply you with stamps, why didn’t you take up their offers?

“I’m glad you asked that,” she stalled, listening intently to her earpiece. A slight pause. “Thanks Dom, classic mate. Dom says, I mean, the government believes, that it’s more efficient to make a grand but futile gesture instead of being pragmatic!”

Again she touched her earpiece, wincing slightly.

“I mean, this country has the capacity,” she stated, brass neck gleaming. “But Turkey has the supplies, and this is a matter of urgency, and this is not the time to have loads of small donations, which will probably get lost in the post. Incidentally, you will ignore my previous comment, and my office has already emailed you a restraining order.”

Extensive investigation revealed that Turkey did indeed have 400,000 stamps, which were indeed on a plane, which is due to arrive some time next week. Unfortunately these are not postage stamps, but Green Shield Stamps.

We put this point to Patel.

“This conversation is over!” she shrieked, slamming her laptop shut.

Things have come to a Priti pass. These are testing times, unless you are in government.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE : The Treasury is back in the limelight today as wonder kid Rishi confirms (Tory backer pleasing changes) to the Coronavirus furlough scheme.

“We all saw how George Eustice suffered when impoverished Britons wouldn’t pick his family crops, in spite of Brexit,” an aide to Downing Street told LCD Views, “of course the reason is obvious. We’ve allowed the plebs to live like inheritance millionaires. This has to stop.”

The deeper concern is also that allowing everyone to have a holiday may lead to demands to conditions similar to MPs.

“Of course there are very many hardworking MPs who do not take the absolute piss,” the source looked baffled, “but there are also gold star MPs for who all those holidays and expenses on the public purse aren’t really enough. We can’t have the people living like that. Who is going to bail out the banks next time they’re in crisis?”

Changes to the scheme will allow beneficiaries to “Choose Their Own Adventure”.

“You’ll get to pick between fruit picking, migrant spotting with Nigel Farage or shagging Boris Johnson.”

But what about conscientious objectors?

“Oh, they’ll get to work on Covid-19 wards with what we deem as suitable protection. Just after we ease out of lockdown, as timed to please the Telegraph, Mail and other democratic, humanist bastions.”

EXPERT SEXPERT : The SIC (Shagger In Chief) man of Britain, Boris Johnson, has confirmed, via an UDSC (Unidentified Downing Street Source), via RP (Robert Peston) or the good ship SS LK (SS Laura Kuenssberg) that The Telegraph will shortly publish a front page column by their prize columnist.

The prize bull(shitter) of UK print columns is of course the UK’s MOM (Man of the Moment), BJH (Boris Johnson Himself).

The column will meditate on the sanctity of marriage.

“Mr Johnson knows all about the sanctity of marriage,” the source confirmed, “he’s tested it to destruction. Reverse engineered it. Dismantled and reassembled with new parts. Basically, he’s the expert.”

It’s believed the column is both a reaction to recent events and also timed to capitalise on the new baby.

“Just because the baby was conceived out of wedlock, during an extramarital affair, is no reason not to celebrate Mr Johnson’s continuation as the father of the nation. By the time he’s finished he will be the father of most of the nation.”

There will also be the secrets to a long and happy marriage, with critics (there’s always some) already claiming that those sections will be plagiarised.

“There will be a good mixture of Ancient Greek and some medieval French thrown in. It won’t be at all relevant, but it will make Mr Johnson sound superior, by virtue of a bought and paid for education.”

Free copies of the column will be mailed to every home in the United Kingdom and anyone that pins the article to their front door will be spared when the Angel of Death visits the land, ie, not have to return to work at the premature end of lockdown.

“If you want to know about the sanctity of marriage, best to find out from the man who’s lining up a new one, while still trying to wriggle out of the old one.”