Category: Governing the people

THE GOD COMPLEX: History, the saying goes, is written by the winners. In the case of “Classic” Dom Cummings, history is being rewritten to suit his Machiavellian plan to rule the world.

Hidden among his deranged ramblings is a post entitled Genesis: Selling England by the Pound. The very first paragraph reads thus:

“In the beginning Dom created the atmosphere and the political landscape. Now the landscape was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Blitz Spirit of Dom was hovering over the waters. And Dom said, let there be enlightenment, and there was enlightenment. Dom saw that it was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. Dom called the light “power”, and the darkness he called “work”. And there was evening and there was morning – the first of the Dom days.”

So it continues, the language and claims becoming ever more hyperbolic and unbelievable, until he reaches the sixth and final day:

“Then Dom said, “Let us make puppets in our own image, in our likeness.” He called the puppet Boris, which means ‘A lover not a fighter’. But for Boris no suitable helper could be found, so Dom took the puppet, and while he slept removed his conscience. Then Dom made an endless succession of busty blonde fillies from the conscience, and placed them with him in the Garden of Roses.”

The post continues, as Dom himself enters the story in the form of a serpent, and tempts them to eat the fruit from the Tree of Brexit. Boris and the blondes are kicked out of the Garden and told to go forth and multiply.

The final paragraph has been much altered. Originally it read, “And on the seventh day Dom took a well earned rest”. The revised version suggests that instead Dom undertook an exhausting journey up the A1 while unwell, in order to test whether he was too tired to drive.

THE PARTY OF LAW AND ORDER : YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, those that play together, stay together and there’s no more important time to play with your family than while you are potentially carrying a highly infectious, lethal virus across the country.

And following on from the recent revelations that the UK’s actual prime minister, D Cummings, has broken the laws regarding Covid-19 on more than one occasion, the law itself is reacting to ensure families can stay united.

“There’s one important proviso,” a source inside 10 Downing Street said, “you can now break any law you want, and get away with it, in fact the Attorney General herself will defend you, but.”

But what?

“But you must have done so in the interests of your children.”

But how can you prove that?

“You can’t. It’s an internal decision. Well, you could provide messaging or diary entries I suppose to back up your claim, but evidence is rather irrelevant. Just make the claim. MAKE THE CLAIM and get away with it.”

The new legal avenue away from consequence will be welcomed by the many tens of thousands of prisoners inside UK prisons and those awaiting sentencing.

“We had to make the change otherwise we risk having a country where there is one law for rich, powerful people and one for the poor. We can not have that. It undermines the entire concept of rule of law, and just as importantly, public health messaging. Democracy itself is in danger.”

But there are some critics of the change, notably from the legal profession.

“That’s us out of business,” one lawyer said, “once everyone knows that in order to avoid prosecution you can simply say you did it for your children. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. I guess I’ll find a new profession. It won’t be childcare, the country is now full of parents who will risk anything to care for their offspring, even killing the grandparents with a novel virus.”

And one more important change will also follow the new regime emanating from 10 Downing Street.

“From now on all new laws will be published in duplicate,” our Downing Street insider reveals, “one law for everyone else, and one law for Dominic Cummings.”

A giant vault has been discovered underneath a London address which contains spines believed to have been removed from the United Kingdom’s governing Tory cabinet.

”Ever since Guy Fawkes attempted his little fireworks display we’ve been under orders to check all vaults and other big spaces under the Palace Of Westminster, 10 Downing Street and nearby properties each day,” a security insider told LCD Views.

It seems that during one such sweep yesterday a secret vault was discovered, by accident, that led to the fortitous discovery.

”I keep expecting to find that Victorian waxwork Rees-mogg somewhere with Farage and barrels of gunpowder,” the insider said, “but it was whilst chasing a rat that looked like Arron Banks chasing a much bigger rat that looked like a Russian man holding a bag containing thirty pieces of silver, that was when I found the vault under the townhouse.”

The security officer said he slipped rounding a corner and his torch flew from his hands.

”It landed with the light pointing at a little handle at floor level I’ve never seen before.”

Unlike the grimy surrounds the handle was shiny and had clearly seen recent and frequent use.

”There was a bit of gore around it. Blood and skin and the like. All the skin was very yellow. And there was a bobble hat nearby. I suspect whoever used the vault lost it.”

Undeterred by the gore the officer turned the handle.

”There was a sound like a giant millstone grinding away and then the floor beneath me slid back and I toppled in to this vault.”

He went on to say he didn’t fall far.

”For a heartbeat I believed I was a goner. But I only fell a few feet before I found myself on top of a giant subterranean mountain of spines. Only spines. You know, backbones.”

The officer was able to climb out and run for help.

”I did attempt to take one with me, but it just turned to dust at the slightest pressure.”

Whether or not police will be able to match the spines to their former owners is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect if you match yesterday’s tweets from serving cabinet ministers, and some other Tory MPs, to the spines, you will be able to see who is missing theirs. It’s a fairly straightforward process. I wouldn’t be surprised if the prime minister’s spine is in the pile.”

But who owns the property that sits over the vault?

“Some guy from Durham,” the officer shrugged, “I’m not allowed to say his name out loud or it summons him. Not that I see that as too much of a risk as he’s usually dancing to Abba in the garden of his parents’ place in Durham.”

DON’T TOUCH THIS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to add further confusion to the public misunderstanding of measures he has advised to avoid catching Covid-19. Which shouldn’t be interrupted as his administration wanting you to catch it. Herd immunity was never, ever, definitely not the plan.

“He’s giving people analogies to use when out in public, or on a crowded bus,” an aide inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “we were all completely hammered when we thought them up. We do our best work trolleyed. Although some prefer to be high as kites. To each their own. But what you can not doubt is the clarity of the message.”

And clarity there is, in abundance, just like Covid-19.

“My favourite was that people should keep one ‘prone pole dancer’ away from one another in supermarket queues,” the source went on, “although Boris’s fridge one, to keep one fridge length apart from each other on buses, that’s also very special.”

But the new message that really has the cut through seems to be referencing the proven criminally corrupted IN/OUT referendum on EU membership in 2016.

“Be sure to keep one criminally corrupted referendum away from democracy when forcing your children back into school to catch CV-19. 1st of June we aim to release that one. Although we’ll probably have to do a u-turn. That’s the problem with having scant legitimacy and relying on the mob to rule. You fear the mob turning all the time. You’re much more malleable than many think.”

This loyal thrall of Boris, this septic isle. This hearth of mediocrity, this seat of arses. This other Eton, demi-parasite. This fortress built by Neoliberalism for herself against inspection and the hand of peace.

This hapless breed of men, this little England, this putrid shit set in a septic tank, which serves it in the office of a wall, or as a tariff defensive to a trade deal. Against the ennui of more happier lands: this betrayal plot, this urchin, this rogue, this England.

This England, or “The UK” according to Dominic “throbbing vein” Raab, is revelling in regaining the title of The Sick Man Of Europe. Not since the decline during the 1970s and the admission into the fledgling EU has this been the case. To be, or not to be in the EU, that was the question: Whether ’twas nobler in the media to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous policy, or to take arms against a sea of remoaners, and by opposing end them.

We all know the answer to that.

Now, thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, the crown has been won again, over six months ahead of schedule. For in that sleep of death what covid may bring when we shuffle off this mortal coil, must give us pause – there’s the number of deaths we can get away with before declaring herd immunity a success.

In celebration, Send ‘Em Home Secretary Priti Patel has issued her new album, Greatest Hits: When Smirkey Sings. As well as classics like Smirk Gets In Your Face, Get It Done, and Smirk On The Watered-Down Fascism, is the hit single Ending Free Movement. This song is expected to gain the now traditional nul points at Eurovision.

We don’t need no education, cough the covid-suffering sick men of Britain, as we put another brick in the wall separating the UK from the 21st century.

And what will come of this England? The undiscover’d country, from whose borders no traveller returns? To die, to sleep, perchance to dream of past glories.

Herd insanity: We state our position, and covid-19 will be forced to make concessions, claim government sources. Let’s see who blinks first.

It’s the true bulldog spirit. Face the enemy square in the eye, and refuse to budge under any circumstances. It worked for Brexit: look at how many times the EU crumbled! It’s a long game. We will dig in, ignore health and safety regulations, and see who dies first.

Leading this refusal to take any kind of action at all is former Brexit Secretary David Davis. He spoke to LCD Views from his modest palace in Middle England.

“We hold all the cards,” he burbled, working his way through his third bottle of Chateau Maison d’Homme Anglais of the morning. “Covid-19 needs us more than we need it, so it will be desperate to bow down before our Imperial might.”

But infection and deaths in the UK are disastrous, especially when you compare with Germany.

“Yes, yes, exactly,” waffled Davis. “Too many deaths, and there won’t be anyone left to buy their cars! It’s in the German car manufacturers’ best interests to do a deal.”

And how do you deal with a virus?

“Oh, I’m sure somebody will come up with a technological solution sooner or later,” he burped casually. “Fishing rights are key. Eat more fish! British fish, with British chips, caught in British waters, using boats that went to Dunkirk! British bulldog, one, two, three!”

Then what happens?

“We wait for everything to fall into place,” be continued complacently. “Covid means covid, and we are going to make a Titanic success of it!”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

“The best news is that we don’t have to do anything!” he concluded. “We wait for covid to blink first, and it will, there is absolutely no doubt. These tricky foreign buggers always do. Then we can stroll away into the sunlit uplands, never to be heard of again!”

David Davis, about to enjoy the obscurity he, and the country, so richly deserve.

YOU WON’T LIKE WHAT YOU FIND : Downing Street has confirmed this morning that overgrown child bully Boris ‘de death rattle’ Johnson is to feature on milk cartons.

“The prime minister is missing,” a source inside Downing Street confirms, “although it’s not fair to say he is missing in action as that implies he is working.”

Happily there is a wide selection of photo portraits to choose from as the search commences.

“It’s not accurate to say the search is commencing,” the source interjected, “more that it is resuming. He’s like a boy, always running away from home and having to be returned by an authority figure.”

Plans to pin a name tag and address label on Mr Johnson are also advancing, in the hope that he won’t be bothered to take them off before he next goes missing.

There are currently no plans to offer a reward for his safe discovery, as even the members of his own party are said to be growing weary of his complete abdication of leadership.

“We’re not making many milk cartons available,” the source adds, “contrary to the health secretary’s claims we will ramp up their production. We don’t actually want him to be found. Dom can manage to ruin the country perfectly well on his own tyvm.”

If by chance Mr Johnson turns up in the HoC for lunch time, he will almost certainly go missing again soon after.

But critics of the decision to release the portraits have suggested it would be better to feature the entirety of British parliamentary democracy, as that has been missing since June 2016, when the advisory opinion poll was won with proven corruption and the country’s politicians sailed merrily on.

PLAYING WITH MATCHES : MASS RELIEF TODAY as a legitimate professor from the University of Life has confirmed that it is now safe for most British children to return to school.

Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Professor Noes Fucall, said they have been consulting with the second rate fireplace salesman, Gav “spider” Williamson, who serves as Education Secretary symbolically, and prime minister Boris Johnson.

Their comments were greeted with a measure of initial scepticism, as everyone knows that Boris Johnson does not work weekends.

“British kids currently can’t catch or pass on the bubonic plague,” Professor Fucall shrugged, “so I see no reason there should be any difference with Covid-1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and Twentyteen. Did I miss any? 7? Did I say 7?”

The expert opinion serves to reinforce the government as it attempts to get kids back to school, so the mistresses of Tory MPs can offload their own offspring onto cheerful, working class nannies, and thus go out to lunch again.

“There really is only one important criteria to consider when thinking about sending children out to create massive petri dishes swarming with viral matter,” the Professor added, “and that is the credit score of the parents. Clearly we advise that private schools remain closed for the summer.”

LCD Views would like to commend the government for involving experts from such a famous university in the decision, and believes the input of Professor Fucall more than compensates for not having consulted the relevant DfE staff, or anyone with any relevant expertise at all.

All the parents involved in this publication concur also with the protective bubble the government is promising, and will continue to keep our children in the one they’re already in, rather than the mad science experiment the government wants to run. To. Learn. Things. Already. Known. About. The. Virus.

10 OF THE BEST : Downing Street has moved today to quell criticism of its Covid-19 pandemic policies by explaining who is to blame.

“Clearly it was an error to allow the nation’s teachers to design our pandemic response day by day,” a senior source inside the dark satanic mill told LCD Views, “you would have thought with all the free time they have on their hands teachers would have made a better fist of it and kept the R value below the mortality value. Or however that works. I am not a math teacher. Frankly, I’m sure I speak for the entire United England when I say I am disappointed.”

Exactly what teachers have to say for themselves isn’t yet clear. According to government sources most are “skiving off work like your average lobby fodder MP over summer recess”.

“If it wasn’t for teachers insisting they could teach the hardworking men and women nestled in the crab infested loins of Downing Street best how to defeat Coronavirus, well, we would already have fully ended the half assed non-lockdown lockdown. I blame them fairly.”

Clearly the only avenue left to teachers is to make amends for the lethal shambles they’ve caused by taking control of the pandemic management, and reopen schools forthwith.

“It’s perfectly safe to go back to underfunded, packed classrooms with insufficient resources. Everyone knows that under 18’s can only pass the particular strain of CV-19 they are unlikely to catch to one another. And I don’t see too many 17 year olds working as teachers. Do you?”

Do your bit teachers. Remember, your sacrifice will be rewarded with Boris ‘fat boy slim’ Johnson clapping LIKE A SEAL on a doorstep once a week with whoever he’s currently shagging. Or by Boris getting the clap off whoever he’s currently shagging. You choose! Your country needs you!

In unrelated news, a furore has kicked off over the spelling of the badges being made to boost teacher morale. English teachers have taken uxbridge at the omission of the “e” at the start of the world “XPENDABLE”…

TAX IS BEST KEPT IN A HAVEN : 500 billion British blue passports are right now being stuffed into brown paper bags to be dropped at an undisclosed location as U.K. Gov prepares to pay the bill for the Covid-19 furlough scheme.

“Someone has to pay for it, it’s just common sense,” Random Tory MP told Radio 4’s Yesterday programme, “there’s no magic money tree you know, just ask the nurses. And it should be the people who caused the crisis by getting sick with a pandemic to begin with.”

But critics of the decision to use British blue passports have leapt on the fact that Coronavirus may not currently be able to exchange the British passports for useful passports, as every border but the UK’s remains closed.

“These nannywobblers worried that CV-19 will come back even angrier when it finds the paper the passports are printed on is worthless need to stop talking Britain down. The Brexit blues are so ramped you with sovereignty Covid-19 will find itself able to found its own nation state the moment it throws the bags in the back of the stolen van.”

And what might CV-19 call its new country?

“Why the United Kingdom of course,” Random Tory MP shrugged, “following on from our ‘take it on the chin‘ approach, it’s only sensible. Can I have my jelly babies now please? I need to pop back off into obscurity and wait for the call up to cabinet the whips promised me.”