Category: Governing the people

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE MILLIONAIRES : DROWNING STREET has confirmed this morning that the highly popular plan to repaint the PM’s plane, in a patriotic pattern, has been ditched.

“We couldn’t source the required amount of red, white and blue striped paint,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “in spite of giving some mate of Dom’s (with a recently opened model aeroplane shop) a £108m contract for the paint. Without tender clearly, national emergency, time was of the essence. Still, we have no regrets. Public money has moved to private pockets. On any reasonable measure that’s a success.”

But the revised paint plan will at least silence critics, who are becoming increasingly focused on the way in which the Johnson administration dolls out public money like it’s candy, with no perceivable concern about outcomes.

“We’re not going to bother with the Union Jacks on the fuselage now,” the source shrugged, “I hope that keeps everyone happy? To be fair it would have been a bit pointless. We’ll be having to repaint it with just the Saint George cross shortly. So a plain plane it is. We can do that very simply. We’re going to paint a list of Boris Johnson’s achievements on it. Or more accurately, iconography depicting his premiership.”

While the icons are selected and stuck on a public consultation will be held to rename the PM’s plane, in the manner of Airforce One.

“AirFarce Dumb is currently the most popular. Although personally I favour ConAir. I really like the movie.”

Look up in the sky, is it a bird, is it a plane? Or is it another massive waste of taxpayer’s money?

MAKING A SPLASH: Edward Colston, the very late cruel bastard slave trader and guilt ridden philanthropist, is to receive a knighthood.

The justification for ennobling Colston is for his valiant, if fortuitous, contribution to race relations. In this one act of self sacrifice, he achieved more than he ever achieved during his lifetime.

It is a worthy man indeed who permits himself to be humiliated for the good of mankind. Whenever the next time comes to dole out gongs, Colston’s name will be at the top of the list.

Needless to say, the Crime Minister, Boris Johnson, was delighted. “I say, jolly good show, old chap,” he wibbled, as his driver exchanged details with the man in the black suit and dark glasses from the following Range Rover. “Dashed bad luck, that prang, I must tell the coachman to select the red, white and blue car next time.”

Tell us your thoughts on the Colston knighthood.

“Excellent, superb, magnificent,” he enthused. “I only heard about this hi jinks yesterday, same as that Daniel Rashford malarkey. In his honour, we will bring back slavery as soon as… excuse me one moment…” He put his hand to his earpiece and listened. “Great, great, thanks Dom. I mean, isn’t it fantastic that we are all talking about equal rights for our dusky friends?”

How do you propose to Knight a dead man? Again he listened to the voice in his ear.

“Dom will, er, wibble, er, that is to say, I will, er, yes that’s it, instruct Nigel Farage to sail to the docks in his wanky little migrant boat, and retrieve the statue,” he stammered. “It will be erected again in the House of Lords, most of them are living statues anyway! Hee hee hee!”

He ambled back to the dented car, the grubby business of apportioning blame and appointing lawyers over.

“No more questions,” he said. “Snack, tennis, nap. I’m a busy man!”

Edward Colston achieved in a few short minutes what four years of arguing could never do. His vacant plinth will remain as a monument to the vacuum at the heart of government.

THE POWER BEHIND THE THRONE : The hay baled, shamble haired, spunk bucket of British politics, Boris Johnson, has spoken publicly about a lightbulb moment he’s experienced today.

The barely coherent utterances happened during one of Mr Johnson‘s rare conscious moments when he appeared, under duress and allegedly under the influence (of so many dark forces), to address his party’s sadness at having to feed hungry children.

“Like Theseus ascending Mount Porphyria, which we all recall as vividly as the day we used a new boy to clench tight a hot crumpet, a vision was waiting at the top of the summit,” Mr Johnson declared, bleary eyed and with a fearful glance at PMQs.

It wasn’t entirely clear what he was alluding to at first, although that is par for course, if the header for any speech wasn’t in bold and large font above him, no one would ever know the subject under consideration.

“And like the Ancient Greek wayfarer I too have experienced a revelation as if Mercury himself had dug out the kilogram of beeswax in my ear and whispered intelligence, briefly, into it.”

At this stage in the press conference it was still unclear what exactly he was talking about. The only certainty being that it wasn’t specifically about U.K.-EU relations as Mr Johnson had yet to employ a daft and vapid cliche.

“Dom! Dom! For whom the bell of doom Doms!” the obliterated conscience of long decayed imperial power blurted, “We are in the time of Cummings! Not of Johnsons! I only just learnt it today when he shocked me out of my fully steeped stupor with the cattle prod of DOMination in his hands. Which was a bit frisky for early morning, or mid afternoon to you.”

For some in the room it was still hazy. What was the megalomaniacal pustule of piffle referring to?

“Oh, he’s just worked out Dom is prime minister,” one hack realised. A revelation only to the “prime minister”.

BREAKING BRITAIN : DOWNING STREET HAS ISSUED an urgent clarification regarding the statue of Winston Churchill in central London, the statue they are glad everyone is talking about rather than the urgent issue of institutional racism in the UK.

“For the last day or two people have been talking about the statue of Winston Churchill,” a Downing Street source said, “this is great! They’re not talking about Black Lives Matter(ing) if they’re talking about WW2. Unfortunately this seismic global conflict is little discussed in the United Kingdom today. We blame ourselves for that. Recent statistics indicate that representatives of HMG, and right wing media pundits, allowed several seconds to pass last week when no one invoked WW2. We will do better. But, while you’re here, we do need to clear up a common misconception that appears to be taking root within the population.”

Is it that you do not want far right protests in central London to distract from the urgent cause of BLM?

“Hardly. Have you looked at the diversity of thought in government? No. It’s about the hoarding placed around Winston Churchill. It is not meant to resemble a monument to Boris Johnson, hiding in a fridge, even though it does.”

Is that the clarification? I can see why you’ve said something. It was looking pretty funny.

“No. That is not the clarification. The statue of Winston Churchill, who singlehandedly won WW2, while waiting for the Commonwealth, US, a goodly majority of European peoples, and Russia to turn up, was covered for an entirely different reason.”

Oh. And that is?

“It criticised Dominic Cummings. So like the Chief Nurse and certain scientists, whose names will be erased from the official records, it has been disappeared.”

Crikey. What did the statue say?

“The statue didn’t say anything. Winston Churchill himself did to Dom while he was having one of his visionary dreams. Basically it was an act of treason and Mr Churchill is now as gone as a Tory MP in 2019 suggesting we shouldn’t completely crash the economy. And let that be a lesson to the rest of you!”

Peddling the metal: The government has been swift to acquire as many brass necks as it can. A brass neck is stronger and stabler than the organic version, and also allows for 360 degree rotation of the head.

Michael Gove is only the latest senior figure to stick his brass neck out. “The EU has better get it’s finger out and give us the outstanding deal they know they want to give us,” he says. “While we do sweet FA, watch people die of covid-19 and calculate how much this will save the NHS in the long run.”

Some of the lesser lights of a spectacularly dim parliament have also been donning metallic vertebrae. These include big-headed small-minded rent-a-gobshites like Lance Corporal Mark Francois and his sidekick Andrew “Mr Potato Head” Bridgen.

“These foreign Johnnies always blink first,” bluffed Francois, while undermining his position by losing a stare-out with Will Self. “The EU can get stuffed with its undemocratic high food standards. The British palate can’t cope with garlic and snails and all that poncy crap. They want a Maccy D’s and a skinful of cheap lager!”

Bridgen made the same points, only with more conviction and less coherence.

One reassuring side effect of all this brass neckery is the re-emergence of David Davis. He squelched out of his wine cellar, in the same suit in which he squelched into it some years ago. His rhetoric was unchanged as well, still believing that border checks will not be necessary. In which case he won’t complain if the French dump substandard barrels of wine on his doorstep. He paused just long enough to demonstrate another advantage of the brass neck: it’s telescopic, which makes it so much easier to bury one’s head in the sand.

Then there’s Priti Patel, who thinks that because she has a fancy job title and a big office, she can tell the police how to do their job.

Breaking: statues of racists and slave traders across the country are being taken down, and melted down to make more brass necks.

DO AS I SAY : DOWNING STREET AREN’T WALLOWING IN THE DOLDRUMS of adverse press coverage (by traitors), they’re on the front foot and looking to fight back.

“We’re ramping up,” Matt Hancock, the self-inflating balloon of UK politics, declared today, “we are determined, now more than ever, to identify the Tory MP rumoured to have observed the lockdown regulations.”

The reason for the increased focus on the effort to test, track and trace the mythical MP is believed to be the press coverage of Bob Seely MP, who broke lockdown to BBQ with some of Britain’s finest potatriots.

“When we find the MP, and he, or she, must exist, we will be isolating them. We will make an example of them. They will be the doing the 5pm daily CV-19 press conferences, whether they’re dripping in the sweat of possible Covid-19 nor not. They’ll be declaring what a great job YOU, THE BRITISH PEOPLE, have done swallowing the BS of us YOUR BETTERS. They’ll carry on until they’re blue in the face.”

We here at LCD Views would like to wish the government success in its latest endeavour. It can’t be easy achieving total compliance from the public after “Cummings’ Law” entered the common law.

But like the Loch Ness Monster, Sasquatch, Edwardian Garden Faeries and Unicorns, the one Tory MP who put the public first and didn’t make an entire sham of a nation’s efforts must exist. And when cornered they must be isolated, presumably to be laughed at by their colleagues in private.

In other news, the new CV-19 slogan has been modified to “STAY ALERT – A BBQ INVITATION MAY COME AT ANY TIME. EVEN DURING LOCKDOWN.”

FAMINE WILL DO AS FAMINE PLEASES : Prime Minister Dominic Johnson has used that august platform, The Daily Torygraph, to communicate his latest strategy to defeat Covid-19.

“We’re going to outwit the virus by befriending the virus,” he said, in another stunning display of out of the box thinking, “invite it into each and every home. Once it is comfortable, with its slippers on, then we will launch our attack!”

It seems a key plank in this masterplan is to take direct control of the busiest horsemen.

“To this end we will now take direct control of plague, disease, man flu or whatever you want to call it,” Prime Minister Boris Cummings continued, “we will take control back by losing control. We will award every contract to control, track, trace, isolate, quarantinate, and generally carpetbagate from Covid-19 to a raft of big name corporate chums. Not to those ridiculously unprofitable public health concerns that have specialities in tracing infectious diseases in their communities. One can hardly ride a horse if one blinkers it, blinds it and hobbles it! Cash. Horses run on mountains of cash.”

Quite what famine and war, and whatever the other horsemen is called, will do whilst Plague is getting the special treatment isn’t yet clear.

But we’re sure some media trained halfwit, promoted to the cabinet solely on the basis of an ability to be submissive and smash their moral compass, will be along soon to tell us in soundbites how they’re taking it.

Boris Dominic Johnson Cummings, taking control of fuck all, and by doing so riding a famous horse very well, thank you very much. Now line up and vote. Just turn your back if the MP next to you sneezes. It’ll be alright. Bit of pluck and Blitz spirit and Covid-19 will do exactly as the government wants it to. Achoooooo.

READ THE FINE PRINT : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT THIS EVENING, VIA THE CLASSIC ‘SOURCE’, TO CLEAR UP CONFUSION REGARDING THE 2019 DECEMBER GENERAL ERECTION.

“Lately we have been receiving queries regarding the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the December GE,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can confirm it was not Boris Johnson, a popular misconception, but Dominic Cummings.”

The reason for the statement is believed to be the result of recent seismograph tests which revealed millions of barely conscious Tory voters bursting into spasms of activity, upon realising who is actually prime minister.

“People’s memories can cloud with time,” the source continued, “just like today. Already people are believing that Prime Minister Cummings’ PA, Boris Johnson, refused to let the science swots answer questions at today’s Covid-19 party political broadcast. This is not the case. Mr Johnson essentially hassled the reporters to ask the science swots questions, before giving up in exasperation and moving on.”

The clarification of historical fact will be welcome to millions of concerned voters, some of who maybe feeling like chumps.

“Everyone (who was paying attention) knew that the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip was Dominic Cummings. And whoever he works for. Best not ask about that. Boris Johnson was merely a brand name, or a slogan. He was never going to wield power, apart from the fact he couldn’t be bothered to do the work required for that.”

Whether or not non-party affiliated, spaffing SPAD Mr Cummings will appear on the next GE ballot paper isn’t yet clear.

“It depends whether or not we dispense with the façade of elections altogether. Which given the way we now have things stitched up, a hobbled parliament, a craven cabinet, a curious ownership of postal voting and constituency boundary changes to come, is not entirely certain we need anymore elections at all.”

BELIEVE IN BETTER: Prime Minister (in name only), Boris Johnson, needs us all to believe in the Word of Dom. Trust my judgement, he pleads, I’ve never been wrong about anything before.

This is a man who does little set piece items to camera with an unendearing and embarrassing incompetence. This is a man who is so trustworthy that he leaves hordes of disappointed pregnant blonde fillies in his wake. This is a man who hid in a fridge to avoid having to answer a question.

So, should we trust his judgement?

“He’s a lying toad!” spat jilted lover Norma Sarse. “And that’s unfair to toads! He promised me a rose garden, he promised to leave his mistress for me, he said I had a terrific figure. Well that’s in the past, thanks to him. And now I’m lumbered with this blond brat who thinks I only exist to service his needs. I wouldn’t trust him to judge a knobbly knees competition!”

That’s a no, then.

But what can we do in these passive, isolated times? For those of us who aren’t Dominic Cummings, swanning up and down the country with impunity and covid. Lie back and think of England?

“That’s what got me into trouble in the first place!” grumbled Sarse. “He saw, he conquered, he came, and then he buggered off!”

To where, nobody seems to know. He is not to be seen in parliament, at the daily coronavirus briefings, or on TV reassuring a jumpy public. For a man who loves the limelight, he has been strangely invisible.

There can be only one explanation. We all know the government is comprised of brexity yes men, and that anyone showing intellect or compassion has been removed ruthlessly. Yet we are asked to take Cummings on trust.

What does Cummings know about Johnson that he doesn’t want to come out?