Category: Governing the people

BY THEIR WORKS WILL THEY BE KNOWN : The masters’ puppet, Boris Johnson, has made a video to celebrate the puppet masters first year in the office of Prime Minister.

“Whaaa whaaa where do I start?” the fading blonde, limb stringed automaton started, answering his own question.

“Shall I start with the illegal Prorogation of Parliament? A real humdinger! Can you imagine a prime minister staying in office in an earlier epoch? If he’d lied to Her Majesty? Even a PM as clever as old Cummings/lliot/Trump/Koch/Mercer/Putin!”

No. Their party would have thrown them out of office.

“Maybe I should start with that oven ready Brexit? You know the slogan! It won Dom the GE while I masterfully hid from Morgan in a fridge. Real pizazz! Class act. Almost as dazzling as when I put that reporter’s phone in my pocket.”

Also definitely right up there with the “achievements”.

“Or maybe I should be more contemporary? Ye old plague that stalks the land because I couldn’t be bothered to stop making buses from old wine crates and go to the snake council? What snake is it? Python? Mamba? Cobra! That’s it! What do they do there again? I haven’t the foggiest! Bloody talking shop with no booze. Talking about boring the pants off you. I don’t need my pants bored off. They incinerate the moment I open my mouth.”

We think stick with your achievements during the pandemic.

“I said I’d solve the social care crisis. Bloody hell. Thanks to Covid-19, we’ve made a great start. Just imagine how we’ll build on it in 2021 with Brexit!”

FIFTY SHADES OF GRAYLING: The curse of Chris Grayling has struck again. His unerring ability to mess up the simplest situation remains unaffected, even in his absence.

True to form, Number Ten has tried to spin failure as world beating success. Grayling, says the PM’s office, is just too intelligent and too safe a pair of hands to chair the Intelligence and Security Committee.

The now notorious Russia Report is at the heart of Downing Street’s rationale. The usual job of the Intelligence and Security Committee, it reasons, is to leak titillating details of the Report to selected journalists, in return for cash. A man such as Grayling, with his mind on a higher plane, would be likely to leave the whole report, unredacted, for free, next to his face mask, on the 6.47 to Epsom.

Friends of Grayling have been quick to leap to the great man’s defence. “Chris was simply overqualified for the position,” claims longstanding chum Trevor Clever. “He is frequently voted Britain’s Smartest MP, and it’s a very competitive field. Chris always wins, even though he’s usually up against Boris Johnson, Priti Patel and even James Cleverly!”

LCD Views naturally wanted to speak with Grayling himself. Unfortunately, his chief aide, Alec Smartt, confessed over the telephone that his boss was so given to esoteric and profound thought, that mundane matters like working out how to talk via Zoom were too far below him. “He can’t even use a telephone without accidentally emptying the vaults of the Bank of England,” admitted Smartt. “His thoughts are so powerful, they affect everyone within range, like an aura. On the Committee, I can see him disclosing Britain’s nuclear codes and Dominic Cummings’ personal phone number simply because he is too busy squaring circles.”

Is this the same sophistication which led him to spaff millions of pounds on a ferry company without ferries?

“Naturally,” confirmed Smartt. “He deduced that the name Seaborne Freight was a fiendishly complex double bluff, within half a millisecond. His integrity is such that he never suspected that it was a gruesomely simple fraud.”

In his leisure time, Grayling is believed to inhabit a room with walls padded like a luxury sofa, while wearing a straitjacket. This, it is believed, is the only way to protect his immediate surroundings from the power of his brainwaves.

It’s all clear now. We have had enough of experts.

SURVIVAL OF THE THICKEST: The coup over the chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee has claimed its first victim. The victor, Julian Lewis, has been de-Toried for proving himself more intelligent than Chris Grayling.

This begs the question: if being cleverer than Chris Grayling is a sackable offence – and it’s a very low bar – what does that say about the remaining MPs?

So now the fate of the Russia Report, an allegedly explosive document detailing how the Russians paid for Brexit and the election in December 2019, is in the hands of a man potentially hostile to Boris Johnson. Lewis could extract his revenge by publishing the whole thing, unredacted, and condemn the Vote Leave government. Who would have thought that a petulant knee-jerk reaction could have such extreme consequences?

Obviously not Way Past His Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, and his de facto boss, “Classic” Dom Cummings. Johnson, judging by his hapless efforts at Prime Minister’s Questions, doesn’t have any more than the most basic thought in his head. Cummings is either less brilliant or less frightening than he clearly believes he is.

This has become something of a pattern. Act first, fill in the details later, if at all. Don’t worry about the consequences, you can blame them on somebody else. And, as with virtually everything else this government touches, the consequences are the opposite of what they promise will happen. Does exactly what it doesn’t say on the tin, you might say.

Suddenly, the race to the bottom of the barrel had become interesting. All it takes is someone to throw a spanner into the barrel reserved for fish shooting. The cat is among the pigeons and feathers will surely fly. The Russia Report could well be published as MPs go on their summer jollies. If so, it is likely that many will not return.

But it’s not all bad news. Vladivostok is lovely this time of year.

FACE MASKS FOR DUMMIES: Government chief adviser Dominic Cummings has announced that blue face masks will be compulsory, for all Conservative MPs, outside the family home. The move is designed to provide leadership and clarity for the British public.

Due to negative connotations, use of the word mask will be discontinued and the more inclusive term facial covering will be adopted. Members are urged to achieve the required levels of fit and facial coverage when placing their orders, and an online training aid is available. Cummings also announced MPs will not be giving any interviews due to the facial coverings. He stated, “We do not want government communications to sound mumbled, unclear or incoherent and we don’t want to have to endlessly repeat the same things to get our message across. Until we get a vaccine all future governmental communication will be via meme. Acme-me, a one-man band, run from a garden shed between Durham and Barnard Castle, has been awarded the contract.”

East Midlands MP Andrew Airbridgen said, “I an proud to reveal that all facial coverings will be British made. I have received a letter from a Constituent, who said he could supply the equipment from Ye Olde Sweet Shoppe in Leicester, although Sweet was incorrectly spelled as Swet.” When asked about the spelling he went on to say, “It was obviously a simple spelling mistake. As part of our more inclusive levelling up agenda, the ability to spell will be lesss rellyvant.”

Almost all MPs were surprised by the early morning Cummings, but agreed with the policy. One MP, whose secretary is also his wife, said of the announcement, “Well, it came a little sooner than we expected this morning and she wasn’t able to catch it all, but I think she got the message.”

Many older male MPs were worried they may not be able to achieve the facial coverage levels required by the rules.

Several younger female MPs expressed concern about the standard of facial coverings, as they spend a lot of time and money on their appearance. One said, “I don’t need my hair messing up due to a badly done facial covering!”

A more senior female member, Honey Trapp, who spent decades sliding up and down various ministerial greasy poles, said with a knowing smile, “Succumbing to a little facial covering may benefit their careers.” Other female members accepted the move but were not happy about it. “They will just have to take it on the chin,” remarked Trapp.

Later, UK Internet was almost brought to a standstill, due to searches for the online ten-minute training aid. Internet providers were astonished by the levels of video downloads and the time spent watching them, after googling Cummings Facial Coverings. This phenomenon was also thought to be responsible for an outbreak of nudging, winking (know what I mean?) and infantile giggling in Commons bars.

Several MP’s wives/secretaries were rushed to A&E with suspected PTSD, and there has been an unprecedented rise in wrist injuries/Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It is thought Ann Widdicombe, a lifelong supporter of complete withdrawal, may never recover after Mark Francois asked her to give him a hand with the matter.

A spokesman for No.10 said: “In keeping with recent government policy, the new initiative will be called About Face. British facial coverings will be the envy of the world and will take a lot of beating. We have already chosen a delegation of MPs to ensure this is the case. Their first task will be a fact-finding mission to Amsterdam, where there’s a vibrant facial covering industry. We are hoping for cross party support, it’s vital that everyone is pulling together on this initiative”. Michael Gove is believed to have signed up already.

The final word must go to a seasoned parliamentarian and former father of the house, Kent Clark, who commented, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Conservative MPs have been masquerading as representatives of the people since Adam was a lad”.

BEHIND THE MASK (allegedly): Government advice changes so quickly it is hard to keep up sometimes. But now there is hard and fast guidance. Wearing a face mask in public is to become compulsory, ever since Dominic Cummings revealed to Boris Johnson that one of his mates is distributing them.

How quickly the mask of public decency has been stripped away. The public are expected to mask up, and pay through the nose to do so. Meanwhile, any pretence that this is not a blatant means of cashing in on the covid crisis has gone.

At least it is out in the open, along with gatherings of no more than six people. PPE money is being directed into phantom companies whose directors are connected to Cummings and the government. Money is being spaffed on apps, oddly enough developed by Cummings’ associates, that don’t work, There is no end to the rush to stick snouts into the trough for possibly the last time before No Deal Brexit empties it for good.

“I’ve known Dom for a long time,” admitted PPE seller Fay Scuvering. “In fact at school he was my boyfriend for a while, but I found him to be too controlling. We stayed friends though, in as much as Dom ever has friends. I think he rather admired my talent for stealing the first years’ lunches then selling it back to them at inflated prices.”

This is a talent that must come in very handy during the current fraudocracy.

“Indeed,” agreed Scuvering. “I get my old mum and her isolated friends to make face masks out of old bits of cloth. Then I sell them to frightened hipsters for £25 each, or more if they are stupid enough to cough up. Mum thinks I’m taking them to the local church and the food bank, the silly mare.”

Crisis, what crisis? It’s just another opportunity to make a profit. Your money or your life! Or both, of course.

China recently passed a controversial security law for the former UK colony. President Trump, as part of his ongoing trade war and general paranoia, has urged Britain to apply pressure to China and protect its former colony.

The UK government recently formed the Special China Action Group or SCAG (kicking kuh). It is thought the group name was chosen to invoke memories of the highly profitable trade Britain had with China in the 19th century.

This morning Boris Johnson announced that the government has found a solution to the problem of Hong Kong. Boris made the announcement from Redwalls End, a small coastal village, in a constituency which swung heavily to the Tories at the last election. He also promised a £108M grant for a new Working Men’s Club and Fish Wives Institute. 

“I can announce today that the UK has resolved the issue on a permanent basis,” he wibbled. “The UK will take back Hong Kong and have full control over all laws, without any further interference from China. In return the UK will cede power over the Isle of Wight to China!”

When asked how this will affect the Isle of Wight, Boris replied “I cannot answer any questions regarding the Isle of Wight because, quite frankly I haven’t a clue where it is or what the Chinese will do,” and added “representatives from the IoW were on SCAG and fully involved in the decision.”

Later in the day the following statements were made with regard to the issue.

The Attorney General reassured IoW residents, by saying “Any security laws the Chinese put in force will not affect the residents. The current UK laws are just as ambiguous, secretive and carry a life sentence in certain circumstances.

A spokesman for the Dept. of Transport said “Travel to and from the island will not be affected, in fact the Chinese are keen on doing something to speed up the crossing, but we will cross that air bridge when we come to it”.

The DWP issued the following statement: “All residents will benefit from this arrangement due to the unusual demographics of the island. The elderly will benefit because Chinese culture has always stressed respect toward elders. People of working age and the young will benefit from Improved employment prospects. The Chinese have promised to open Europe’s largest takeaway, which should become a major tourist attraction and being famous for their fireworks, said they will open a new factory to build medium range rockets. The remaining residents who live in caravans for 11 months a year, will not be affected as the Chinese do not charge council tax.”

A local marine engineer said he had already been approached by Just Eat and Deliveroo, regarding Jet Ski’s for food delivery to the mainland.

A Sandbanks resident and ex footballer, who likes a pint and tax avoidance, hoped the Chinese would open a duty-free wet market.

A local councillor stated that he was impressed by the Chinese proposals and negotiations had gone smoothly. Although he did admit when it came to the most important issue, the IoW’s continued access to Britain in Bloom, things had got a little difficult.

It later came to light that the Isle of Man had also been under consideration alongside the IoW. A spokesman for The Isle of Man authorities made the following statement: “The Chinese are obsessively secretive; we did not want them to decrease the openness and transparency of our financial system. We consulted widely on this decision, and all of the 67 billionaires and 241 multi-millionaires involved were unanimous that the IoW was more suitable. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an order for a Caribbean island to attend to.”

Unfounded rumour suggests that he was three legs to the wind at the time.

I’M WITH STUPID: The man who hired a ferry company with no ferries is back. Chris Grayling is to head up the Intelligence committee. An intelligence committee with no intelligence, you might remark.

The return to public life of parliament’s little April Fools Day joke came as something of a surprise to Grayling. He was planning to retire and live a life of luxury after receiving the entire wealth of the Nigerian royal family via email.

However it is believed that the money never appeared, in fact his own not particularly hard earned cash mysteriously vanished. Grayling appealed to the Foreign Secretary for help, but unfortunately Dominic Raab neither had any useful contacts nor knew where Nigeria was.

Grayling will be responsible, among other things, for the Russia report. This document, believed to be highly sensitive (a euphemism for ‘damaging to the government’) is a political time bomb. Grayling’s natural sense of good timing and attention to detail will surely see copies sent to all the national newspapers within the week. Just in case, another copy will be sent, mistakenly, to Keir Starmer’s personal office printer.

With this degree of competence at the top, Grayling will do for intelligence what Brexit did for Anglo-European relations.

The appointment process was interesting, to say the least. During lockdown, teams of MPs have, like many of us, taken part in Zoom quizzes. The intelligence post was the booby prize for the worst performing team.

Grayling is, as ever, oblivious to all of this. His team – some of whom can actually write their own names – regards him as a kind of talisman. If ever there was a man who could snatch failure from the jaws of success, it is Grayling. He possesses the reverse of the Midas touch. The Sadim touch, if you will.

Stupid intelligence? It’s what you get with an oxymoron in charge.

WORLD BLATHERING : DOWNING STREET HAS bowed to pressure from the alcohol industry by confirming that the reopening of boozers will last exactly two weeks.

“It allows them to do more planning for the future of their industry than anyone directly impacted by Brexit,” a Downing Street source asserted, “the drinks industry now knows it has exactly fourteen days to stuff the coffers full before the next shutdown.”

Precision of decision making has become a scarce feature of British governance since 2016 and many are heartened to see its return, albeit briefly.

But why fourteen days?

“Well, don’t tell anyone, but between you and me we’ve plucked that out of the hat. But, and this is the important point, the hat is full of precise estimates about the average incubation time between contracting Covid-19 and displaying symptoms. Clearly people are widely known to be infectious before becoming symptomatic, but you can’t please everyone.”

The decision to reopen boozers is part of a multi-pillared Covid-19 strategy that is definitely not aimed at achieving herd immunity in the UK through a combination of wilful disregard of the intrinsic value of people’s lives and the kind of half baked, barely grasped pseudo-science prime minister Cummings is now famous for. It also allows us to pretend we’re still a perfectly normal country, which is a tangible benefit for the tourism industry.

“Let everyone get drunk and act responsibly while they’re at it,” the source added, “alcohol is a famous inhibitor, just ask Mr Johnson. The son or the father. And if you follow the government guidance and head to the pub this weekend you also stand a chance of asking the Holy Ghost. Cheers!”

YOU HAD ONE JOB: And you certainly didn’t do it. Robert Jenrick is only the latest pretender to the throne of Emperor Boris who has not been fired.

The setup is simple. Week in, week out, young Turks who aspire to Borishood compete to fulfill basic tasks. Every week, the Johnson dismisses the least successful, or at least the most anonymous. The last man standing becomes Apprentice to Johnson.

But Johnson never fires anyone. And so the shitshow continues indefinitely, and none of the candidates fears failure. It has become a competition to see who can get away with the most.

In Jenrick’s case, it’s a simple matter of helping a billionaire to avoid paying tax. Jenrick has not been particularly good at Borishood, and he is certainly anonymous. But the stakes are higher these days, and a simple case of blatant corruption no longer cuts the mustard.

Indeed, when an unelected bureaucrat can break lockdown, claim to go driving to test his eyesight, lie about it, and instead of being sacked is rewarded with his own cosy press conference, the stakes are higher than Michael Gove on a fact finding mission to Amsterdam.

Matt Hancock has tried especially hard to get fired. He has tried lying, being creepy and patronising, concealing information, contradicting himself, and fiddling the figures. Yet Johnson hasn’t fired him either.

The only wannabe Boris that Johnson would like to fire is Keir Starmer. Unfortunately for Johnson, Starmer is not an arse licking toady on the take, but a genuine rival. A typical exchange between them goes thus:

“Prime Minister, the figures show that your government is doing a particularly bad job, please explain.”

“The figures are wrong!”

“They are your own figures, Prime Minister.”

At which point Johnson generally splutters and engages in some irrelevant whataboutery instead of replying.

Shitshow means shitshow. Unfortunately Starmer can’t fire Johnson either.

SICK SENSE : Get out of here! No one cares anymore. These two statements appear to be the premise for the decision to end the daily Covid-19 press briefings, and not the fact that the scientists just can’t take it anymore.

“It’s really very tedious,” a 10 Downing Street source commented, “we thought getting members of the public to submit questions, rather then so called journalists, would liven it up a little, but even then there weren’t enough questions about Mr Johnson’s choice of shampoos.”

How members of the public will get their daily updates as to the status of the Covid-19 pandemic in the U.K. now isn’t clear though.

“Just look at the situation in comparable industrialised countries and extrapolate it exponentially for the worse,” the source suggests, “we’ve filled our boots off the back of it, now it’s just zzzz dead people, predominantly poor, I mean we’ve got the sell off of the NHS to focus on. Fish to fry. British fish.”

It is though unclear if Mr Johnson’s boredom over the plague is shared broadly, with it seems many U.K. voters weirdly believing the PM should be both visible and accountable in times of national crisis.

“That’s the peasantry for you,” the source added, “if they wanted a visible and accountable prime minister why the hell did they elect Johnson?”

Now with Covid-19 consigned to just a fact of daily life, the public can go back to the pub and wait to see what Johnson tires of next, if even a mountain of dead can’t hold his interest.

“Brexit. That’s next. All those endless international treaty negotiations, it’s enough to put old Bojo into a coma. Bread and circuses, that’s what the country needs. And not just any circuses. World beating circuses. Wouldn’t get too hung up on the bread though. Not with leaving the single market and customs union coming up next.”