Category: Governing the people

INTO THE MOUNTAINS WITH YOU : THE HEALTH SECRETARY of an industrialised nation currently mismanaging Covid-19 has made a plea for assistance from the nation’s young.

“Some would think we’re still pursuing herd immunity as our strategy with Covid-19,” he began, “but just at a slower, more political manageable pace. Rather than the mass pit burial velocity we had to pull back from before the summer. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your leaders are famous for adjusting their positions based on public opposition. We U turn all the time. You can trust us to U turn on you. And you can trust me when I say that, because I’m from your government.”

So far, so good.

“And don’t listen to any unpatriotic types who suggest that urging everyone back into offices, after reopening pubs, at the same time as refilling schools is not a sensible public health strategy. Teenagers, and drunks are famous for their self control and adherence to rules. Drunk teenagers especially! It’ll not be our fault if they catch Covid. It’s just nature taking its course.”

All perfectly sensible.

“But there is one area where I need the youth of this nation to help me out. It’s not just wearing face masks while shoplifting, or whatever past time you scallywags get up to these days, that I need your help with.”

Alright. Get on with it.

“It’s with your grandparents. You maybe aware we have a social care crisis in this country. For too long governments pursued a shortsighted agenda of helping people live longer. Long past their ability to work in the gig economy. This is a now a serious problem. Of course the funds that could be spent solving it are currently in tax havens. That is where money belongs. So what to do about all these old people hanging about the place, and between you and me, not doing much that’s useful except grandparenting?”

What indeed. Someone has to give them Covid?

“You don’t want giving them Covid that on your conscience. So let it happen as a result of other people crisscrossing the UK in search of Covid tests. World beating navigation will see us through. And if you really want to help out, take a drive to Barnard Castle and sneeze. We’re taking the right steps, at the right time. This is why you need to protect your grandparents so a rogue algorithm can take care of them, just like it did for A level tests.”

Don’t kill your granny. That’s the government’s job.

THE VENOMOUS VIGILANTE: Or the Banksy of Brexit. Slimy shit stirrer Nigel Farage has had his collar felt after defacing an ancient monument.

Farage was taking a break from harassing weary asylum seekers arriving near Dover. Instead he paid a visit to the heart of the Garden of England, where vast lorry parks are being constructed.

But the paving of Paradise had to be halted temporarily. Woke activist lefty snowflake archaeologists discovered an ancient Saxon wall in the way. This, they believe, was originally constructed to prevent people fleeing from the ruins of the Roman Empire.

Engraved upon this wall was the following legend, written in genuine Anglo-Saxon. “Faecke offeth, wir sind fölle!” Farage rendered this into modern English in six foot high letters using red paint: “Bog off, we’re full!”

Police arrested Farage at the scene of the crime, for defacing an ancient monument, causing a beach of the peace, and failing to wear a face mask.

The ancient site has created a stir of interest. Royal grave hunters have been all over it like a rash, because it is now traditional to build a car park over the burial place of a King of England.

Farage himself was incandescent with rage. “This is a disgrace!” he foghorned. “Land of Hope and Glory? Political correctness and whingeing liberals are ruining the country! Rule Britannia!” The police slapped an oversized mask over his face and dragged him away.

Farage refused to do community service. This is because he argued the community service was what he was doing when he was arrested. So they threw him in a cell for the night and let him bellow himself to sleep.

Maybe they should have left the mask on. Or the muzzle. Or the face nappy, given the amount of sh*t that comes out of his mouth.

HAVE A PUNT ON THE UK : The UK is enjoying an unprecedented period of interest in governance, which is of course, not a good thing.

“As always there will be winners and losers,” our Downing Street source shrugs, “and there’s never been a better time to get down to Big Red Bus Bookies and have a punt!”

Wait. Are you moonlighting at a bookies?

“Big Red Bus Bookies have all the odds on the UK’s political scene and you can rest assured we’re not currently run by Dido Harding.”

Don’t we pay you enough? Isn’t just existing enough for a figment of the imagination?

“Whether you fancy taking a punt on Liam Fox becoming the next head of the WTO at 10,000,000,000 to 1 or something more dead cert like Boris Johnson tangled in tent cables at evens, Big Red Bus Bookies is the place to let your instincts take over.”

Anyway, you sound like you’re selling furniture, not promoting a bookie.

“So why not get down today to Big Red Bus Bookies and pop a tidy little wager on Gavin Williamson fighting his way out of a paper bag at evens? Or if you’re after something more adventurous you could go for Dominic Cummings organising a successful piss up in a brewery at 100/1 – should he succeed, bets void if any electoral laws are broken. Big Red Bus Bookies – we do democratic process the right way!”

Don’t bother coming back to the office.

Wait. Why can’t we just bet using an app? You do have an app don’t you? Or are you totally amateur? Is this even a licensed bookmaker?

“Big Red Bus Bookies – after the arrest of Steve Bannon we no longer have an app. Big Red Bus Bookies – there will be no paper trail, whatever your wager it will be between you and me!”

ECONOMIES OF SCALE: In a blatant move to achieve greater efficiency, two government departments have merged. This will allow the core business of embezzling public funds to happen more smoothly.

The Department of Organising Piss Ups In A Brewery will combine forces with the Department of Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo. The total failure of both is being hailed as a great success for democracy, as world beating sums of money have been wasted by both. The merger aims to waste money even more effectively.

The new department will be named the Department of Spreading Nonsense About Foreign Unions, or SNAFU for short. And there is an oven ready chief of SNAFU: none other than the great Chris Grayling.

Doesn’t the remit of the new department overlap with the existing white elephant in the room, the Brexit department? LCD Views talked to Whitehall analyst Jack Schytte. 

“You can’t apply normal logic to this government,” argues Schytte. “Words cease to have their normal meanings. Efficiency, for example, doesn’t mean efficiency. Instead it means introducing a layer of inefficiency,, laden with dead cats, to obscure the true objectives.”

Doesn’t Brexit mean Brexit, though?

“Well, yes and no,” said Schytte. “Obviously yes, it’s a tautology. Then again, no, because it’s a concept that was never properly defined. Ask anybody what it means. Ask the hardline Ultras, ask the moderates, ask a remainer, ask Dominic Cummings. You won’t get a consistent answer. You are more likely to get some idea of what Brexit doesn’t mean, and some irrational rantings and ravings about fish.”

In other words, Brexit both does and doesn’t mean Brexit?

“Exactly,” said Schytte with some exasperation. “This is why it is a disaster. Even a successful Brexit would be a failure, and an unsuccessful Brexit would be a victory. Whichever mast a government nails its colours to will be the wrong one. This is why Chris Grayling is so important. Everyone knows he’s a walking failure, so by failing he will, by his own parameters, be a success.”

Indeed, the entire government is rebranding. It will now be known as Fundamentally Useless, Brexit And Run, or FUBAR for short.

SPECIAL PLEADING : The Westminster emergency services, all of them, are on standby today after the announcement that all government MPs are to undertake emergency thinking training.

A representative of the local NHS hospital, Saint Truss’s, is said to be expecting “mass casualties”, and they weren’t just referring to any future trade deals negotiated by their namesake.

“It’s not just the expected services on standby,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “police, fire department and ambulance, the SAS are also at the ready. Maritime rescue services. Land search and rescue. Anyone with a dog with a working sense of smell. The whole kit and caboodle. There’s deep fears that once Gavin Williamson misses the target and plunges head first up his backside it will become a siege situation. And let’s not get started on how anyone can expect Boris Johnson to find his backside with his own hands in the dark of a specially adapted, sensory deprivation, hiding fridge.”*

The training is a result of the unending series of cockups by all ministers in all portfolios.

“If you haven’t heard of a minister involved in a damaging furore it’s just because they’re too junior. They’re all at it. Casualties are mounting.”

But while the decision to take the crash course has been welcomed by government critics (that’s everyone who isn’t in government), there are concerns over what maybe achieved.

“That’s because the training is to be guided by an algorithm designed by friends of acting prime minister Dominic Cummings,” the source sighs, “and can you name one thing, one thing at all that he hasn’t screwed up?”

To be fair, it’s hard to accurately forecast anything with your head so far up your arse.

Finding your backside with two hands? For some in government that’s now a very hard target.

*the prime minister is understood to have long passed training in finding other people’s backsides with his own two hands.

A STAR TURN : A DROWNING STREET source has confirmed today the preconditions for a U-turn on the A Level grading fiasco.

“We’re waiting for significant public disgust to show up in our private polling and focus group studies,” the source told LCD Views.

“We only care about our own survival. About clinging onto power to transfer the wealth of the state into the offshore bank accounts of our mates. It’s all pretty straightforward. Make us nervous about our hold on the reigns and we’ll flip. This is across the board. It’s your not so secret weapon.”

And the possibility of a flip on the grading is likely?

”Yes. We’ve detonated a dirty bomb across the whole electorate, regardless of how you voted. It really is impressive. Of course if we don’t do a U turn it means you’ve collectively given us the green light to carry on treating you all with total contempt. So make your choice.”

But aren’t you concerned about alienating an entire generation who are just hitting voting age in England? How do you think they’ll vote at the next election?

“What election? If Trump is able to steal the upcoming US election than there won’t be free voting here either.”

Still, there’s the possibility of survivor’s guilt among the youth who have benefited from the biased algorithm. Aren’t you concerned you could turn some of your target demographic off? How will that impact you at the next election?

“I refer you to my previous answer.”

Finally, what do you see as the potential tipping point with this crisis? The moment you would nudge signals you can’t just ride it out and must do an about face?

“Marcus Rashford. If he gets involved we’re toast.”

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : OFFICIAL CONFIRMATION TODAY that Boris Johnson’s premiership can not be in crisis, in spite of some clearly unpatriotic headlines.

“He’s proven himself to be world beating,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Leaders, like that show off in New Zealand, are almost hyperactive in the face of a minor setback. But not Boris. You can’t ruffle his feathers. And it’s not because, in spite of carefully crafted appearances, they appear pre-ruffled.”

And it’s certain that the United Kingdom will take great reassurance in knowing that nothing can stop a Boris Johnson holiday. Not even the worst economic downturn on record, on the back of the Covid-19 crisis and with no deal agreed yet with the EU.

“If you can keep your holiday itinerary while all about you [in government] aren’t cancelling theirs either, it shows you’re made of the right stuff to lead. Besides, nothing can stop a parliamentary recess. It’s the most stubborn force on Earth. It would be a really rum show if Mr Johnson stayed in Downing Street while half his cabinet are exporting proper British Covid-19 to the continent.”

But some have suggested that Mr Johnson should at least appear to give a toss? Especially as millions look set to abruptly become unemployed, in part because of the unwillingness to lockdown the U.K. economy just to stop some of the economically inactive from dying.

“Why? Dominic Cummings isn’t on holiday. So what are you moaning and gloomsaying for? He’ll have the right slogan for the recession released any day now. You’ll see. With a bit of Blitz spirit we’ll rebound. If only off the back of PPE contracts.”

Presumably the slogan will be ‘Get Recession Done”. That will take care of it.

“Actually it’s more likely to be ‘Take it on the chin’ again. More apt. Under us the entire country is getting chinned.”

ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT: Crossing the English Channel in a little boat is risky, dangerous and illegal. This is according to the alleged Prime Minister, invoking the heroic Dunkirk evacuation, which involved the same risky, dangerous and illegal crossing.

There is one big difference. Dunkirk was a rescue of Our Boys by Plucky Brits. Today, the victims of war are rescuing themselves.

The filibustering foreigner foghorn Farage fought fearlessly to force this farce onto the front pages. Funnily, after weeks of whining and whinging, Fleet Street has finally realised there’s a funny foreigners story to milk and milk.

Not only that, but the fear of Farage forced the government into full dead cat mode. Priti Patel has been seen in full battle dress in Dover, “co-ordinating” efforts. The rhetoric, if not the rescue effort, has been ramped up. There are even rumours that the RAF has been obliged to scramble a warplane to join the struggle.

Now Boris Johnson has got involved. “We will fight them on the beaches,” he quipped as he set off for a fortnight’s hard boffing in a secret location in Scotland. “Never in the history of human endeavour has… well, you know the quote, same thing, smash the Hun, bang bang you’re dead, jolly good show old boy!”

Churchillian indeed. But surely the poor souls risking their lives to cross the Channel in inflatable dinghies are displaying the true Dunkirk Spirit?

“Well yes, I mean no, well it doesn’t matter either way,” blithered Johnson. “It’s about being British and seizing defeat from the jaws of victory, or vice versa, de facto, cul-de-sac. Bottom line, these chappies are simply too foreign to be British, and that’s what Taking Back Control is all about. Veni vidi vici!”

Meanwhile there’s a deadly virus killing people, the government is siphoning off public cash in full view, and there is nobody at the wheel of the speeding big red Brexit bus. But hey, foreigners.

A VERY BRITISH MORAL DEGRADATION : THE BBC is to join forces with Downing Street in the attempt to bring bread and circuses to an increasingly restless population.

“The new initiative is timed to coincide with the winding down of the Covid-19 furlough scheme,” a Beeb executive, talking from his desk in the Cabinet Office, told LCD Views.

“A Very British Bear Baiting will be a fly on the wall show which celebrates the return of bear baiting to the capital after centuries. People will be able to identify with a cast of real characters as they battle to survive in the bear pit. Not everyone will make it. But viewers can be guaranteed of maximum spectacle. And perhaps, while they enjoy their popcorn* they will forget about:

1. The mismanagement of Covid-19 and how it led to tens of thousands of unnecessary and avoidable early deaths, under a pseudo-science ‘herd immunity’ strategy said to have been favoured by Dominic Cummings.
2. The Tory MP alleged rape scandal and the inaction of party authorities who knew about the accusations directly from the victim, and appear to have done nothing.
3. What appears to be billions in fraud on the back of bogus PPE scandals.
4. The failure to prepare for the end of the Brexit transition period, and the looming devastation that will occur as the Brexiters’ lies fully slam into the country at last.
5. The fact the UK is now governed by a tyrannical, unelected bureaucrat.
6. The fact FPTP is clearly no longer fit for purpose, but it suits the needs of a corrupt ruling elite to perpetuate it as they milk the land dry and stuff its wealth into tax havens.
7. The Intelligence and Security Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy – and what that says about the potential compromising of elected representatives, and that a series of elections, and the Brexit referendum, were meddled in and unsafe.
8. The various scandals that Boris Johnson is involved in, and how they always end up in the long grass.
9. The attempt to bully teachers back into schools in full awareness it will kill some of them, just like NHS and social care workers were killed, unless the Covid-19 virus is actually, finally, properly managed by central government and not used as a haymaker by disaster capitalists.
10. Whether or not Boris Johnson will take up golf while on holiday in Scotland.
11. The cronyism in the House of Lords.
12. The numbers 13-1000 in this list.

So be ready to back your bear as it fights to survive! And remember! It’s very dangerous! And if that doesn’t work to take your mind off the list of vicious incompetence, some complete and utter prat will use your licence fee to narrate the struggle to survive of human beings in the English Channel, so racists and feel all warm and snugly.

Global Britain – is it the best we can be?

*supplies of popcorn expected to be exhausted early in 2021.