Category: Governing the people

HAVE A PUNT ON THE UK : The UK is enjoying an unprecedented period of interest in governance, which is of course, not a good thing.

“As always there will be winners and losers,” our Downing Street source shrugs, “and there’s never been a better time to get down to Big Red Bus Bookies and have a punt!”

Wait. Are you moonlighting at a bookies?

“Big Red Bus Bookies have all the odds on the UK’s political scene and you can rest assured we’re not currently run by Dido Harding.”

Don’t we pay you enough? Isn’t just existing enough for a figment of the imagination?

“Whether you fancy taking a punt on Liam Fox becoming the next head of the WTO at 10,000,000,000 to 1 or something more dead cert like Boris Johnson tangled in tent cables at evens, Big Red Bus Bookies is the place to let your instincts take over.”

Anyway, you sound like you’re selling furniture, not promoting a bookie.

“So why not get down today to Big Red Bus Bookies and pop a tidy little wager on Gavin Williamson fighting his way out of a paper bag at evens? Or if you’re after something more adventurous you could go for Dominic Cummings organising a successful piss up in a brewery at 100/1 – should he succeed, bets void if any electoral laws are broken. Big Red Bus Bookies – we do democratic process the right way!”

Don’t bother coming back to the office.

Wait. Why can’t we just bet using an app? You do have an app don’t you? Or are you totally amateur? Is this even a licensed bookmaker?

“Big Red Bus Bookies – after the arrest of Steve Bannon we no longer have an app. Big Red Bus Bookies – there will be no paper trail, whatever your wager it will be between you and me!”

ECONOMIES OF SCALE: In a blatant move to achieve greater efficiency, two government departments have merged. This will allow the core business of embezzling public funds to happen more smoothly.

The Department of Organising Piss Ups In A Brewery will combine forces with the Department of Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo. The total failure of both is being hailed as a great success for democracy, as world beating sums of money have been wasted by both. The merger aims to waste money even more effectively.

The new department will be named the Department of Spreading Nonsense About Foreign Unions, or SNAFU for short. And there is an oven ready chief of SNAFU: none other than the great Chris Grayling.

Doesn’t the remit of the new department overlap with the existing white elephant in the room, the Brexit department? LCD Views talked to Whitehall analyst Jack Schytte. 

“You can’t apply normal logic to this government,” argues Schytte. “Words cease to have their normal meanings. Efficiency, for example, doesn’t mean efficiency. Instead it means introducing a layer of inefficiency,, laden with dead cats, to obscure the true objectives.”

Doesn’t Brexit mean Brexit, though?

“Well, yes and no,” said Schytte. “Obviously yes, it’s a tautology. Then again, no, because it’s a concept that was never properly defined. Ask anybody what it means. Ask the hardline Ultras, ask the moderates, ask a remainer, ask Dominic Cummings. You won’t get a consistent answer. You are more likely to get some idea of what Brexit doesn’t mean, and some irrational rantings and ravings about fish.”

In other words, Brexit both does and doesn’t mean Brexit?

“Exactly,” said Schytte with some exasperation. “This is why it is a disaster. Even a successful Brexit would be a failure, and an unsuccessful Brexit would be a victory. Whichever mast a government nails its colours to will be the wrong one. This is why Chris Grayling is so important. Everyone knows he’s a walking failure, so by failing he will, by his own parameters, be a success.”

Indeed, the entire government is rebranding. It will now be known as Fundamentally Useless, Brexit And Run, or FUBAR for short.

SPECIAL PLEADING : The Westminster emergency services, all of them, are on standby today after the announcement that all government MPs are to undertake emergency thinking training.

A representative of the local NHS hospital, Saint Truss’s, is said to be expecting “mass casualties”, and they weren’t just referring to any future trade deals negotiated by their namesake.

“It’s not just the expected services on standby,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “police, fire department and ambulance, the SAS are also at the ready. Maritime rescue services. Land search and rescue. Anyone with a dog with a working sense of smell. The whole kit and caboodle. There’s deep fears that once Gavin Williamson misses the target and plunges head first up his backside it will become a siege situation. And let’s not get started on how anyone can expect Boris Johnson to find his backside with his own hands in the dark of a specially adapted, sensory deprivation, hiding fridge.”*

The training is a result of the unending series of cockups by all ministers in all portfolios.

“If you haven’t heard of a minister involved in a damaging furore it’s just because they’re too junior. They’re all at it. Casualties are mounting.”

But while the decision to take the crash course has been welcomed by government critics (that’s everyone who isn’t in government), there are concerns over what maybe achieved.

“That’s because the training is to be guided by an algorithm designed by friends of acting prime minister Dominic Cummings,” the source sighs, “and can you name one thing, one thing at all that he hasn’t screwed up?”

To be fair, it’s hard to accurately forecast anything with your head so far up your arse.

Finding your backside with two hands? For some in government that’s now a very hard target.

*the prime minister is understood to have long passed training in finding other people’s backsides with his own two hands.

A STAR TURN : A DROWNING STREET source has confirmed today the preconditions for a U-turn on the A Level grading fiasco.

“We’re waiting for significant public disgust to show up in our private polling and focus group studies,” the source told LCD Views.

“We only care about our own survival. About clinging onto power to transfer the wealth of the state into the offshore bank accounts of our mates. It’s all pretty straightforward. Make us nervous about our hold on the reigns and we’ll flip. This is across the board. It’s your not so secret weapon.”

And the possibility of a flip on the grading is likely?

”Yes. We’ve detonated a dirty bomb across the whole electorate, regardless of how you voted. It really is impressive. Of course if we don’t do a U turn it means you’ve collectively given us the green light to carry on treating you all with total contempt. So make your choice.”

But aren’t you concerned about alienating an entire generation who are just hitting voting age in England? How do you think they’ll vote at the next election?

“What election? If Trump is able to steal the upcoming US election than there won’t be free voting here either.”

Still, there’s the possibility of survivor’s guilt among the youth who have benefited from the biased algorithm. Aren’t you concerned you could turn some of your target demographic off? How will that impact you at the next election?

“I refer you to my previous answer.”

Finally, what do you see as the potential tipping point with this crisis? The moment you would nudge signals you can’t just ride it out and must do an about face?

“Marcus Rashford. If he gets involved we’re toast.”

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : OFFICIAL CONFIRMATION TODAY that Boris Johnson’s premiership can not be in crisis, in spite of some clearly unpatriotic headlines.

“He’s proven himself to be world beating,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Leaders, like that show off in New Zealand, are almost hyperactive in the face of a minor setback. But not Boris. You can’t ruffle his feathers. And it’s not because, in spite of carefully crafted appearances, they appear pre-ruffled.”

And it’s certain that the United Kingdom will take great reassurance in knowing that nothing can stop a Boris Johnson holiday. Not even the worst economic downturn on record, on the back of the Covid-19 crisis and with no deal agreed yet with the EU.

“If you can keep your holiday itinerary while all about you [in government] aren’t cancelling theirs either, it shows you’re made of the right stuff to lead. Besides, nothing can stop a parliamentary recess. It’s the most stubborn force on Earth. It would be a really rum show if Mr Johnson stayed in Downing Street while half his cabinet are exporting proper British Covid-19 to the continent.”

But some have suggested that Mr Johnson should at least appear to give a toss? Especially as millions look set to abruptly become unemployed, in part because of the unwillingness to lockdown the U.K. economy just to stop some of the economically inactive from dying.

“Why? Dominic Cummings isn’t on holiday. So what are you moaning and gloomsaying for? He’ll have the right slogan for the recession released any day now. You’ll see. With a bit of Blitz spirit we’ll rebound. If only off the back of PPE contracts.”

Presumably the slogan will be ‘Get Recession Done”. That will take care of it.

“Actually it’s more likely to be ‘Take it on the chin’ again. More apt. Under us the entire country is getting chinned.”

ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT: Crossing the English Channel in a little boat is risky, dangerous and illegal. This is according to the alleged Prime Minister, invoking the heroic Dunkirk evacuation, which involved the same risky, dangerous and illegal crossing.

There is one big difference. Dunkirk was a rescue of Our Boys by Plucky Brits. Today, the victims of war are rescuing themselves.

The filibustering foreigner foghorn Farage fought fearlessly to force this farce onto the front pages. Funnily, after weeks of whining and whinging, Fleet Street has finally realised there’s a funny foreigners story to milk and milk.

Not only that, but the fear of Farage forced the government into full dead cat mode. Priti Patel has been seen in full battle dress in Dover, “co-ordinating” efforts. The rhetoric, if not the rescue effort, has been ramped up. There are even rumours that the RAF has been obliged to scramble a warplane to join the struggle.

Now Boris Johnson has got involved. “We will fight them on the beaches,” he quipped as he set off for a fortnight’s hard boffing in a secret location in Scotland. “Never in the history of human endeavour has… well, you know the quote, same thing, smash the Hun, bang bang you’re dead, jolly good show old boy!”

Churchillian indeed. But surely the poor souls risking their lives to cross the Channel in inflatable dinghies are displaying the true Dunkirk Spirit?

“Well yes, I mean no, well it doesn’t matter either way,” blithered Johnson. “It’s about being British and seizing defeat from the jaws of victory, or vice versa, de facto, cul-de-sac. Bottom line, these chappies are simply too foreign to be British, and that’s what Taking Back Control is all about. Veni vidi vici!”

Meanwhile there’s a deadly virus killing people, the government is siphoning off public cash in full view, and there is nobody at the wheel of the speeding big red Brexit bus. But hey, foreigners.

A VERY BRITISH MORAL DEGRADATION : THE BBC is to join forces with Downing Street in the attempt to bring bread and circuses to an increasingly restless population.

“The new initiative is timed to coincide with the winding down of the Covid-19 furlough scheme,” a Beeb executive, talking from his desk in the Cabinet Office, told LCD Views.

“A Very British Bear Baiting will be a fly on the wall show which celebrates the return of bear baiting to the capital after centuries. People will be able to identify with a cast of real characters as they battle to survive in the bear pit. Not everyone will make it. But viewers can be guaranteed of maximum spectacle. And perhaps, while they enjoy their popcorn* they will forget about:

1. The mismanagement of Covid-19 and how it led to tens of thousands of unnecessary and avoidable early deaths, under a pseudo-science ‘herd immunity’ strategy said to have been favoured by Dominic Cummings.
2. The Tory MP alleged rape scandal and the inaction of party authorities who knew about the accusations directly from the victim, and appear to have done nothing.
3. What appears to be billions in fraud on the back of bogus PPE scandals.
4. The failure to prepare for the end of the Brexit transition period, and the looming devastation that will occur as the Brexiters’ lies fully slam into the country at last.
5. The fact the UK is now governed by a tyrannical, unelected bureaucrat.
6. The fact FPTP is clearly no longer fit for purpose, but it suits the needs of a corrupt ruling elite to perpetuate it as they milk the land dry and stuff its wealth into tax havens.
7. The Intelligence and Security Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy – and what that says about the potential compromising of elected representatives, and that a series of elections, and the Brexit referendum, were meddled in and unsafe.
8. The various scandals that Boris Johnson is involved in, and how they always end up in the long grass.
9. The attempt to bully teachers back into schools in full awareness it will kill some of them, just like NHS and social care workers were killed, unless the Covid-19 virus is actually, finally, properly managed by central government and not used as a haymaker by disaster capitalists.
10. Whether or not Boris Johnson will take up golf while on holiday in Scotland.
11. The cronyism in the House of Lords.
12. The numbers 13-1000 in this list.

So be ready to back your bear as it fights to survive! And remember! It’s very dangerous! And if that doesn’t work to take your mind off the list of vicious incompetence, some complete and utter prat will use your licence fee to narrate the struggle to survive of human beings in the English Channel, so racists and feel all warm and snugly.

Global Britain – is it the best we can be?

*supplies of popcorn expected to be exhausted early in 2021.

FOX IN THE BLACK BOX: Leaky Liam Fox has his email account hacked. Using world beating cybercrime techniques, the Russian boffins eventually cracked his account by employing the password “password”.

It’s a shock to realise that a man so out of touch with the ordinary people actually uses gmail like the rest of us. It’s traditionally seen as a less secure version of the standard Westminster communication conduit of messenger boys on bicycles, who bear messages engraved upon the finest vellum using goose quill pens.

The hackers discovered a treasure trove of information. Secret plans to destroy the economy. Underhand methods of transferring the NHS into private hands. Billets doux to Adam Werrity.

We all know what happened next. The documents came into the hands of Jeremy Corbyn. This meant that nobody believed that the documents were real, and also that Corbyn could be blamed for the leaks.

“Cyber security has been ramped up considerably since the Russian invasion,” remarked snubbed Intelligence and Security Committee chairman-elect, Chris Grayling. “Every account now has an uncrackable password!”

And what is this amazing new password?

“password1,” replied Grayling smugly. “They’ll never guess that one!”

In the interests of balance, LCD Views spoke to an actual expert from an actual internet safety company.

“It’s traditional to leak this kind of material,” explained the expert, Ethan Ette-Cable. “It’s the most passive aggressive way to reveal secrets without being seen to be doing it. Using an insecure webmail address is the modern equivalent of leaving the documents on a train.”

And how easy is it for the ordinary hacker to crack into gmail?

“Basically any smart eight year old with an internet connection could do it,” said Ette-Cable. “But using ‘password’ as your password is basically bloody stupid, and an open invitation to pop in and have a look.”

It’s like hunting for treasure!

“Yes, it’s very addictive, although usually all you find is communications about someone’s supermarket delivery time,” sneered Ette-Cable. “Occasionally though you find gems like the nuclear codes or Donald Trump’s personal phone number.”

Liam Fox is hoping to lead the WTO. The logical response is WTF?!

DOUBLING DOWN, AND UP: Let us be entirely clear. Matt Hancock claims that the messages from the government have been consistent, despite being changed on a daily basis.

Little Matt Hancock, who has had to learn the art of being completely two faced while the public watched his transformation, was keen to defend official guidance.

“Hands, Face, Space has always been the message,” said an exhausted Hancock. “It has never changed and never will. It means the same as Check, Change, Go, and if you think about it, it’s the same as Brexit Means Brexit.”

Hang on. The only consistent thing there is that each slogan has three words.

“Stay Alert was only two words,” replied Hancock pompously. “Stay Home, Stay Safe, Get Brexit Done, Eat More Chips. The underlying message is the same!”

In that case, could you explain the underlying message, because quite frankly the public are confused.

“There is no confusion!” exclaimed Hancock, now desperately looking for a way out. “Protect The NHS. Track And Trace. Stand And Deliver. We are all in this together, and the same rules apply to everyone!”

Which is fine, until you recall that “Classic” Dom Cummings broke lockdown and was defended to the hilt. The government sacrificed its authority to save Cummings’ skin.

“That was a special case!” stammered Little Matt. “Control The Virus. We Don’t Know. Give Us Your Fokkin Money!”

Nature abhors a vacuum. So into the confusion and ambiguity created by meaningless empty slogans designed to conceal a complete lack of policy, rushes the Great British Public. A public that has no faith in the government and uses its British Common Sense to justify not being sensible.

“If the public wish to get infected with covid-19, then I won’t interfere with the Will Of The People,” concluded Hancock, finally finding the loophole he was looking for. “Herd Immunity, We Don’t Care, It’s YOUR Fault!”

Blame The Public. Collect The Money. Wash Your Hands.