Category: Governing the people

STRAINING EVERY SINEW: Working day and night to avoid scrutiny is not an easy job. Who can blame Crime Minister Boris Johnson, for needing to take the occasional power nap during the working day?

For example, a typical Wednesday morning for Johnson starts as early as 11.30am. His dedication to the cause is demonstrated by the fact that he puts on yesterday’s clothes, and doesn’t bother combing his hair. These moves are designed to save precious time.

He will then rush to the House of Commons after foregoing a second Full English breakfast, while fortifying himself with a few stiff G&Ts in his chauffeur driven limousine.

After that, he sacrifices a whole hour of his precious time to the traditional ritual of dodging Keir Starmer’s forensic questioning. After that, any man would need a swift forty winks.

By 4.30 he is ready to rouse himself for another Herculean effort. A couple of large brandies later, and he is ready to surround himself with flags and toadies to address the Great British Public. Once again, he makes a monumental effort to avoid the issues and to promise to take full personal responsibility for something or other.

Once again, he permits his cosy coterie of client journalists to lob him a few easy questions, for form’s sake. It takes a lot of nerve and skill to waffle meaninglessly on the spot, so another decent nap is on the cards.

By 8.00pm, he is once more awake, and by now hungry enough to tackle a modest 6-course banquet and a case of Champagne. On completion of this barely adequate repast, he now tackles his red boxes. A man of detail, he delegates the detail to someone else and reads the 2-page summary in large print. Adequately prepared for the following day, and by now mentally exhausted, it’s finally bedtime. He likes to relax with a couple of busty blonde fillies before taking a mere 12 hours of sleep.

There just aren’t enough hours in the day.

TAKE IT ON THE CHIN: As the covid death counts tops a world beating 100,000, Crime Minister Boris Johnson has spoken to the nation. I will take personal control, he waffled, of taking full responsibility. 

“I want you to know what I want you to know,” he clarified. “And what I want you to know is that I’m right behind the science, following it all the way, leading from the front. I’m right behind you, at the head of the queue, wiff waff, I say, and I want you to know that I am taking personal control of, erm, of taking full responsibility.”

There was a lot more of this, most of it comprising words flung together in a more or less random fashion, and delivered in that distinctive stuttering cod-Churchillian fashion, like a semi animated scarecrow. 

“I am now fully in control of the fact, yes the fact, folks,” he claimed desperately, “that tenty hundredy hundred people, alas, have sadly passed from illness. I got that sentence from the Send ‘Em Home Secretary herself. We will, eventually, decisively, take immediate action. I take full responsibility for ramping up, doubling down, pulling in, rolling out, in, out, shake it all about, and doing the hokey cokey.”

The PM paused, since Matt Hancock’s tear generator (which he had borrowed for the day) kicked into action and drenched his face in water. 

“As I said, I am taking full and personal responsibility for picking up the phone next time Marcus Rashford rings to have a go at me for delivering my party’s priorities!” he burbled in a sudden spurt of coherence. “And, rest assured, my personal photographer will be on hand to record the moment and photoshop it!” 

The government was informed of the existence of covid-19 in December 2019. However, at the time the PM was too busy with his election. 

Months of downplaying the risks and wittering about herd immunity followed. Then a full lockdown ruined by the Cummings affair. Next came the anti covid propaganda and highly expensive and ineffective Track & Trace. The virus laughed at us and took back control. Is the PM taking full responsibility for that? 

“I’m taking full responsibility NOW!” he said, pausing dramatically. “There. Done that. The moment has passed. It’s somebody else’s fault again now.” 

And he left, feebly waving a Union Jack. 

AND FOR THE VEGETABLES : DOWNING STREET IS UNDER GROWING PRESSURE TODAY TO CANCEL ITS CONTRACT WITH CHARTWELLS U.K.

There has been constant speculation in the U.K., and globally, on the subject of governance in the United Kingdom, which has deteriorated readily since 2010.

“Why has the U.K. moved from a Parliamentary Democracy to a Kakistocracy? Well, now we know,” our politics expert declares.

The answer is evidently the MPs, cabinet and even the Prime Minister supplied by the major Tory Party donor.

But while school meal hampers look set to be improved by public exposure, it’s not clear the same impact will be felt by today’s revelation.

“It is a scandal,” our expert opines, “Chartwells U.K. are paid a sufficient sum per minister to supply a Marcus Rashford, or equivalent, and instead they are supply Hancocks, Raabs and Liz Truss. The public is clearly getting ripped off and the multi-national exploiting the taxpayer for profit.”

Whether or not the PM will how to pressure to cancel the contract and source his cabinet ministers from an actual pool of talent, isn’t clear though.

“They supply the PM too, so I wouldn’t expect rapid change. He’s essentially the top end of a carrot, as evident from the hair. and it’s gone mouldy.”

THE STRAIN OF JOHNSON : Testing times for Britons as scientists announce they have identified an even more severe strain of dithering at 10 Downing Street.

“We advise the public to stay indoors whenever possible,” lead researcher at the Institute for the Study of Kakistocracy told LCD Views, “this new mutant strain of prime ministerial dithering is even more infectious than the previous ones, and they were bad enough.”

Of course not everyone can take the precautions necessary to protect themselves against the mutant Johnson.

“If you work in the NHS we suggest you remember the claps of last spring and summer. It’s unlikely you’ll be offered anything else as the PM maybe too busy listening to his backers to worry about you. Except when he needs to play dress up in a medical setting.”

The more deadly dithering will also increase the risk for supermarket workers and public transport employees, as the enforcement of vital measures such as masks is not on the radar at Downing Street.

“If you have to of necessity be in lose contact with members of the public we advise you to hold your breath while on shift. It will do wonders for your ability to swim laps of pools underwater should the blessed day ever arrive that Brits can go overseas again.”

But one of the sectors most impacted by the dithering strain is of course education. Teachers were told to prepare for in class teaching and to additionally prepare mass testing regimes, and then abruptly told to do it all online.

“It’s okay. Eton is fine,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the rest of the children, the plebs? It’s really not that serious what happens to their education. You can tell that by Gavin Williamson being Education Secretary. I mean no one who cared about the sector would do that!”

There is one ray of hope though, as the vaccinations for CV-19 are currently being distributed.

“if you’re under 70 you should receive your vaccine before 2029. In the meantime just stay home and take comfort from the growing number of Union Jack flags behind the PM.”

Whether or not there will be a specific measure taken to deal with the dithering is down to the actions of the Tory Party. So everything is going to be just fine.

LIVE FROM CLOWNING STREET : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to lead the UK in rejoicing at the passing of his world beating Brexit deal tonight.

At 8pm this evening he will emerge like a victorious Roman general, replete in toga, with his betrothed on his arm.

A specially adapted Spitfire x Harrier Jump Jet will hover over the famous address and relay the couple’s stirring rendition across the capital. It is thought that even Dylin the prop dog will join in to add a little bit of family comedic flair to the event.

“Big Ben will bong too,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “with Mark Francois, freshly out of hiding, hitting his head against the famous bell. The sounds of the echoes inside his head will reverberate patriotically in time with the song.”

The choosing of a Vera Lynn song to mark the UK’s triumphant passage of its entirely symbolic legal hurdle is thought to be a fitting tune, given how closely associated all those who fought in WW2 have made themselves to Brexit.

“After the rendition the Prime Minister will lead a procession to the House of Parliament and take his place in the new throne that has been installed where the Speaker’s Chair used to be.”

But the cameras will pan away and fade to black at this moment, so Mr Johnson can have a private moment to laugh at all the MPs who turned up today to provide legitimacy for a world beating act of democratic vandalism.

“Remember, Boris Johnson always promises you a lovely day tomorrow,” the aide winked, “even why he’s trashing everything you hold dear today.”

DON’T PANIC : THE UK IS FACING ITS WORST CRISIS SINCE ELECTING BORIS JOHNSON PRIME MINISTER, WIDELY RECOGNISED AS A DISASTER IN ITSELF, BUT NEVER FEAR, COBRA IS HERE.

Shortly before 6am this morning the contingencies committee that deals with national emergencies was convened. It was joined by the Prime Minister, who forgo sleep to finish off that fourth bottle of Chateau Margaux 1996 and see what all the fuss was about.

“We are facing an unprecedented national crisis,” chair of Cobra, Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, opened the meeting, “it appears the French can understand English. And if we shout for days that we have a mutant strain of Covid and that’s it for Christmas, it will cause a reaction in Europe which could affect travel and trade. Total curve ball.”

The revelation that what is said in the British press can be understood across the Channel is thought to be a serious crisis, given that no patriotic Englishman bothers to learn French. Or any other inferior, foreign language these days.

“Perhaps if we talk more quietly?” Matt Hancock is believed to have whispered.

“We need to go back to talking in Ancient Greek,” the prime minister is believed to have suggested, before farting and falling asleep. Sleeping the rest of the meeting away, occasionally mentioning the names of former mistresses in his sleep.

This was the key point in the meeting and neatly displayed the PM’s genius at leadership.

“He handed us the answer and let us work it out for ourselves,” Dan later told LCD Views, “simply genius. Although whether or not our recommendation that he attempts to govern sober will be taken up is anyone’s guess. He’s still asleep.”

HE COULDN’T HELP HIMSELF IF HE TRIED : MODERN DAY SHITE CHURCHILL STRAINED TEABAG BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the HOUSE OF COMMONS today to outline plans to bring the Covid-19 vaccine to the UK in 2021, after its successful production in Germany and the Netherlands.

“It will be a MIRACLE OF DELIVERANCE,” the outgoing Prime Minister told a sparsely populated Commons VIA A VIDEO LINK BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN HE’S ISOLATED, “thousands of BRITISH CRAFT will ferry vaccines to Dover. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes in pairs, sometimes in threes, why, occasionally like Hercules, sometimes in fours.”

The plan to use the small boats draws on the WW2 evacuation of British troops, and it is believed it is the best way to terrify the virus.

“By reminding Covid-19 of our HEROIC DEEDS at Dunkirk it will know that it’s time is numbered. But while we wait for the MIRACLE we will not flag or fail. We will continue to fight Covid-19 on our beaches by having half baked, tier system lockdowns. To fight it for months in our pubs and restaurants, and in our supermarkets and friend’s houses. Only by refusing a proper lockdown can we keep Covid-19 on the back foot until we can claim the PR SUCCESS of sudden DELIVERANCE. And perhaps some friends may receive lucrative contracts for the vaccine roll out.”

But critics of the plan to use the small boats have queried if there will be a way to determine they have the right fridge specification on board to safely ferry the vaccines. And what will happen when the vaccines arrive at Dover? If Kent is suffering log jam waiting for the Brexit portaloos to be installed on motorways.

At this point the prime minister was at his most motivational.

“If there are any issues with internal movement in Kent then MATT HANCOCK will be ready to take off his Clark Kent spectacles and leap into the nearest toilet booth and emerge with his cloak flowing as the supercharged champion of vaccine delivery!”

What could possibly fail?

GIVE A MAN A FISH and he will throw it back into the river. Teach a man to fish for publicity, and he will repeat the same stunt, over and over again.

Fisherman Farage famously flung fish into the Thames to make a point. Infamously, Farage cares so much about fish and fisheries that he actually attended one out of hundreds of Fisheries Committee meetings held during his tenure as an MEP.

Now the global rentagobshite has nailed his colours to Donald Trump’s fake-tanned mast. So he has recruited his former fishy friend Kate Hoey to throw American fish into the Potomac River to boost Trump’s re-election bid.

The trumping twosome commandeered a river boat and set off to make their lone protest, with only a hundred news teams in attendance. Hoey was resplendent in fishnet stockings and sou’wester, while Farage rolled up his trouser leg to reveal that he, too, was wearing fishnets.

As Hoey’s ermine joined Farage’s old man tie in fluttering on the breeze, the piscatorial potatriots searched for the bucket of fish. They eventually found it, buried under a mound of discarded fag ends.

“Right, chaps, have you got this?” foghorned the frog-faced fish fancier. The American news men, amused by the English idiom (idiot?), focussed their cameras.

“I say! On a count of three, I’ll give it the old heave-ho,” Farage continued, to muffled sniggers. “One, two, three, and away!”

A hundred shutters clicked, and plenty of phones captured the act for that low-fi street recording vibe.

A sad cascade of unwanted fish hit the water, as the not very merry crew wondered how the hell to get off the Codforsaken boat and into the nearest bar.

Classic Dom may throw dead cats on to the table. Fishy Farage throws dead fish on to the water, then drifts aimlessly, the media men having long departed, in an apt metaphor for his entire career.

Farage is, of course, just a prawn in a much bigger game.

BAD CHURCHILL IMPERSONATORS GONNA BADLY IMPERSONATE : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, BORIS ‘AL TO HIS FRIENDS’ JOHNSON, has led the country through thin and thinner already in his time in office.

“Well, it’s not accurate to accuse him of being in office,” a 10 Downing Street insider claims, “as that implies work. And Boris didn’t sign up for that.”

But whether or not he is working while in office is not up for dispute, the wisdom of a second English lockdown is. Especially by idiots in the Tory party.

“We didn’t have much choice in that,” the insider says, “I blame the last Labour government. If they hadn’t devolved certain powers to the colonies, such as health and safety, then we wouldn’t be having the lockdown. Now we have to or we get shown up by the Welsh. Oh, and Scotland.”

And not being shown up by subject provinces is key in the decisions being taken by the Johnson government.

“If they have no one dying and we have thousands dying, people may begin to ask questions of Boris Johnson’s leadership. And I don’t just mean in the way that PPE contracts are dished out to mates, or the failing track and trace system.”

While comparisons to lesser nations have to be avoided, if unfavourable, there is one other major reason England now has to go into lockdown again.

“Dominic Cummings,” the insider shrugs, “there’s a reason the government keeps blaming the public. They’ve lost disciple in England. Right about the 25th of May when Cummings held his press conference in the Rose Garden to laugh at the nation.”

HANDS, FACE, SPACE, AND BOOMPSY-DAISY: The latest guidance for businesses facing the Brexit cliff edge has been published. Like all previous guidance, the paper it is written on is worth rather more.

LCD Views’ Purple Prose Condenser has been hard at work, and has distilled the prolix document into readable form. In essence, the guidance states, Get Ready! Be Prepared! And Stay Alert!

Of course, a rather more honest evaluation of the guidance was supplied by none other than Crime Minister (In Name Only) Boris Johnson. In his former guise as Secretary of State for Insulting Foreigners, an exasperated Johnson lost his cool when some lackey dared to ask him a searching question. “F@#k business!” was the, for once, honest retort. He won, we lost, so we will have to suck it up, while he f@#ks it up.

The business community, and to be honest, the rest of us as well, have been hoping for clarity. But it’s difficult to Get Ready For Brexit when nobody knows what Brexit means, least of all those in charge of delivering it. Or at least, they do probably know, but daren’t tell the rest of us because it’s going to be catastrophic.

Meanwhile The Rules are changing faster than the Great British Weather. To lockdown, or not to lockdown, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous coronavirus, or to take arms against a sea of naysayers? And as for Brexit, well the UK’s world beating negotiators are still quibbling over fishing rights and refusing to engage until they get their own way.

So nobody knows. F@#ked businesses will have to respond instantly to demands that should have been made clear years ago.

In conclusion, this is what to do. Stock up on baked beans, toilet roll, and candles. It’s going to be a long, dark, winter.