IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING : The so called United States of America is in for a big spectacle next January when its once and future King, Donald Trump, once again risks three degree burns by placing his hand on the bible to be sworn in as President.
While the woke left will be eagerly watching for smoke coming off the ageing offenders hand, keener eyed watchers will have their attention focused lower down.
”Clearly it’s common sense to pay attention to Donald’s hands at all times. Watch for any sudden movements,” an insider told LCD Views, “but if you really want to see the direction America is now headed in I’d be watching his groin.”
This timely advice is to do with President for Life Trump’s secret plans to steal the show on his own big day.
”Donald has bought a real Tudor codpiece off EBay,” the insider can reveal, “it’s said it was worn by his nearest ancestor, in style of government, Henry VIII! Donald is really thrilled.”
Right now the symbol of monarchical and patriarchal power is being refitted for use by Mr Trump.
”Padding is being added to the interior of the codpiece. That’s not because of Donald’s tiny hands. It’s because of how cold it gets in lame Washington in January. A problem Donald and the petrochemical industry have vowed to fix on day one.”
Gold is also being added to the exterior to make sure everyone notices the traditional symbol of power.
But what if anyone says the codpiece is a fashion crime?
”Not a problem. El Donnie will just pardon himself.”