Category: Global Britain

CRISIS IS OPPORTUNITY : Suggestions that the UK’s government isn’t serious about Climate Change can easily be retorted by pointing out the lengths Liz Truss is going to to foster trade relations with the far side of the world.

Once Patagonia and New Columbia are dependent upon British markets for their livelihoods they will be under great political pressure to ensure the trade remains viable. This underscores the UK Gov’s seriousness on the subject more than any major BBC platform like Newsnight asking Stanley Johnson on to opine on the subject. The British establishment is engaging in this subject in earnest.

But it’s not just distant lands that will benefit from our attempts to develop greener fossil fuels to transport goods, local British industries will see the benefits of Climate Change also.

“The fishermen will, that’s for certain,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Once the low lying areas of the UK flood then there will be even more sovereign British water for our domestic industry to prosper in. And no Scandinavian will be able to cast a line beside the Palace of Westminster or the new estuaries of West Sussex! Ha! Take that EU!”

The opening up of inland areas of England for fishermen will be particularly beneficial after the industry suffered a “mysterious and unexplained” setback this year.

“It may take a few decades for Sutton in South London to become a viable shellfish breeding region, so the fishermen will just have to be patient,” the source advises. “They can take advantage of the job prospects opening up in the haulage industry in the interim.”

Sunlit uplands of Brexit? What sunlit uplands? The sunken lowlands are where the real prizes lie. As the people who brought you Brexit can be guaranteed to do their upmost to bring you a changing climate…

HOLDING ALL THE CARDS : Brexit is going so well the government of Great Britain is now being urged by UK businesses to share the fruits more broadly with our friends in Europe.

The calls are growing louder daily as opportunities in the booming UK economy sees many businesses struggling to recruit enough staff. There are serious concerns that the growth will stall.

Front and centre of the staffing crisis is of course the Home Office. Ever an engine of the UK’s outward facing focus the Home Secretary Priti Patel is expected to retain her position as the heart and soul of the immigration programme.

“Ms Patel has heard the calls of business and is ready and willing to help,” an unreliable and invented source inside the Home Office has told LCD Views. “She will later be issuing a call resonant of the Pied Piper of Hamlet and bring those much needed EU workers flooding in.”

Why the EU workers left in the first place is a source of mystery to the government, with suspicion falling on rival European states enticing them away by promising to treat them like human beings.

Ms Patel’s pitch to entice them back across the Channel will contain a few carrots, best of which is the promise not to lock them up the moment they arrive.

“The Home Secretary will speak directly to EU27 workers later today and give them the solid gold promise that she will imprison less Italian au pairs when they arrive in the UK. Oh, and the truck drivers? She has had more portaloos installed in Kent.”

While the move is certain to charm those reluctant migrant workers back, internal critics have lost their shit over the Home Secretary saying less and not fewer.

IT’S NOT OVER TILL THE FAT MAN SINGS : Reports from the heart of government suggest that Prime Minister Boris Johnson believes everyone in the U.K. is getting too hot under the collar over the collapse in U.K. supply lines.

Happily for the architect of the End of Freedom of Movement, Priti Patel, there is not yet any suggestion of not being “batshit crazy and vicious” to any foreigners wishing to come over from Europe and work in the U.K. It’s not clear how that helps the driver shortage though?

“It’s irrelevant,” a source close to the PM told LCD Views. “The driver shortage is due to the pingdemic. It’s nothing to do with turning the immigration system into a shakedown racket post Brexit. Absolutely not related to stripping EU27 citizens of rights given at birth and replacing them with costly paperwork and the threat of deportation. We’re Great Britain. We’re now Global.”

It appears the prevailing belief is that once the pandemic “burns itself out” and the phones stop alarming everyone those HGV drivers will not be able to stop themselves from racing back to Blighty.

“We’re British. They love to work for us. All the jobs we can’t be bothered to properly train for, resource or advocate. Just to be on this island is really payment enough for foreign chaps. When you consider their alternatives it’s obvious. You’ll see, once we become the first nation to achieve herd immunity, via natural infection, in a pandemic of an ever mutating virus all those burly chaps will be back. Just hold tight.”

In the meantime shoppers are asked not to panic buy.

“It maybe a close run thing. Just try using one sheet of toilet paper every time you go. That’ll help with supplies. And remember, five a day is indulgence, think yourself lucky to get one banana and share it generously amongst the family.”

It’s not just wait and see though, there are plans to further modify the NHS App to send more positive notifications to close contacts of virus cases.

“You’re going to die one day anyway, get out and play! That’s what the app will soon say. Together with things like ‘We’re here for a good time not a long time!’. Trust in Boris and just keep taking it on the chin.”

Never forget, tomorrow is a lovely day.

NO FOETUS IS AN ISLAND : Controlling Britain’s borders has never been easier since the country sensibly took back control from the tyrannical EU and today breaks the news that Priti Patel’s Home Office is relishing its new found global super power.

The runaway success of the Hostile Environment stands as one of the greatest legacies of the May/Cameron era with its snappy catchphrase “Citizens of Nowhere” fingered by some as the moment the U.K. really took back control of negotiations with the EU. Now Priti Patel is taking the Home Field advantage and driving it into foreign soils.

“Operation In-Utero De-Porto is the next stage in the globally recognised push to rid the U.K. of unwanted peoples. You know the kind, they come to the country and steal jobs. Jobs which right thinking Britons should be doing. Thanks to Brexit we’ve 100’s of 1,000’s of job vacancies now which just shows how successful your government has been pursuing Nigel Farage’s priorities,” a Home Office spokesman told LCD Views.

In-Utero De-Porto has been given “a name that sounds both Latin and Latin” the spokesman explains so that “forrins can better understand it” and has already seen thousands of newborns across the EU issued with pre-emotive deportation notices.

“Those babies know that if they come to Global Britain they’ll be going right back out again. It’s how we will build Empire 2.0. Soon we will be expanding the scheme to issue notices to unborn job thieves and potentially even individual spermatozoa and ovals before they join. You can never go too far when it comes to nipping job crime in the bud.”

But some critics within the Tory Party have expressed alarm at the scheme.

“It’s been misreported that we’re upset over the loss of small but vigorous children for field work and chimney sweeping. Changes to UC will ensure a ready domestic supply of the needed staff,” Swivel Eyes Loon MP told LCD Views.

“What we are really upset over is robbing future Conservative MPs of the chance to persecute people who moved to the U.K. perfectly legally before having the rug pulled from under them. The lost years of mental stress and despair, and the money shakedown that now won’t happen, shows we need a system that lets them in first. Then we punish them.”

Global Britain – You don’t need to wait to come here before being told Leave means Leave.

SHOUT LOUDER SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU : Great news today for anyone concerned the United Kingdom is becoming less visible on the global map since its reinvention as Global Britain.

Fearless Prime Minister Boris Johnson maybe self isolating on a country estate so massive no one can find him but that doesn’t mean he’s idle, all the time.

It’s alleged the booze has not stopped flowing since he took the sensible precaution of allegedly retrospectively changing his geographical location on the day he was deciding whether or not to take the piss out of self isolation rules, or do what he does best and make an example of himself.

“The cellars are Chequers maybe at risk of being empty by the time the PM finishes his seclusion,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But the blue sky will be full of magical thinking.

It seems mostly the PM has turned his attention to destabilising the peace process in Northern Ireland, in the hope of blackmailing the EU into changing the Brexit Deal.

“But he’s also given some thought to the need for the country to update its national symbols to better exemplify its new reality. The flag clearly needs a redesign.”

Any redesign must be in keeping with the man himself which is why all Union Flags will soon be much brighter and impossible to miss.

“We’re redoing the flag in hi vis. This way no one will be able to ignore Global Britain. And everyone will have to take us seriously as a risk,” the source confirms, “This spikes the guns of the nationalists in the colonial provinces too. You want to redesign our flag Sturgeon? Too late! We’ve beaten you to it!”

The other tangible benefit of the recoloured flag will be to better represent the UK’s government.

“Run a hi vis filter over the Union Flag and it looks just like UKIP’s. Which is especially fitting when you look at Boris Johnson’s nasty, little xenophobic government. Plus, it’ll be a boom to the flag and bunting industry in China.”

THAT SINKING FEELING : Still waters may run deep but the churning, shallow stream of effluent from 10 Downing Street is in no danger of being still. Or stopping. As “Freedom Day” is rapidly approaching world king Boris ‘Plague’ Johnson is determined to celebrate the declared end of the pandemic in the UK with a traditional British celebration.

“We’re going to have a wonderful party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will be like the VE Day celebrations last year all over again. Conga lines on every street passing the airborne virus from front to back and with the Prime Minister’s express permission and encouragement!”

And to help everyone really get into the right mood for the party the PM is said to have booked a famous British band to provide the music.

“We’ve booked the actual band that played on the actual Titanic as it sank. You could not stop them cheering the passengers up as the ship upended and went straight into the depths. Which is exactly what we’re aiming for on the 19th of July.”

The booking of the band that played as the Titanic went under is not only appropriate because of the comparison between the behaviour of England and that other preventable disaster.

“It’s the right choice. Remember what Mr Johnson said himself in the House of Commons? We’re going to make a Titanic success of Brexit! We’ve done that. And now we’re doing it with the novel virus. Because not hitting the iceberg at speed would upset the Tory backbenchers. And no one ever wants to do that! No matter what the human cost.”

Home Secretary Priti Patel welcomed a startling new initiative suggested by Nigel Farage to not only substantially cut the number of illegal immigrants attempting to cross the channel, but to boost the funds of the much treasured RNLI.

Mr Farage’s idea is reportedly to use the RNLI to transport immigrants from the French coast to the proposed purpose-built reception centres where asylum seekers can put forward their cases before being deported. Currently, the RNLI craft are collecting immigrants from the English Channel when their dinghies capsize and bringing them ashore in Kent, but it has been suggested that the charity could charge immigrants for the full trip to bolster its funds.

A Home Office spokesman said, ‘The beauty of the idea is that the charity will collect much needed funds by undercutting the vile traffickers, thus putting them out of business. This is of course a key plank of the Home Secretary’s humanitarian immigration strategy.’

Asked where the immigrants would be transported to, the spokesman replied, ‘We are looking at a number of options at the moment with redundant oil rigs, out of service container ships, and the Isle of Wight being amongst the front runners. One possibility of course is to offer a package for transport and accommodation, prices being dependent on the quality of the latter. Naturally, all tickets will include a full return service. In due course we should be able to utilise out of season hotels for our Gold class package deals. It shouldn’t be too costly for our customers as it will, of course, be short term. Very short term.’

An RNLI spokesman said, ‘OK, wait, what?’

THIS SKEWERED ISLE : 10 DOWNING STREET isn’t taking the EU treating the UK like a third country without HITTING BACK!

The news that Great British TV content may not screen so much now, because of exactly what 10 Downing Street demanded, is not something the “purist EU is allowed to get away with”.

Boris Johnson himself is said to have come up with a plan to take the FIGHT BACK to the EU!

“He was working through his pickled herrings at breakfast and wondering what champagne to have with lunch when it came to him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he won’t let them not see Great British TV output.”

Clearly the only language the EU will understand spoken by GLOBAL BRITAIN will be communication full of WW2 REFERRENCES.

“That’s why Mr Johnson has chosen Great British TV classic ‘Dad’s Army’ to show the EU they won’t get away with it!”

‘Dad’s Army’ will now be broadcast 24/7, come rain, hail or food shortages onto THE GREAT BRITISH WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER!

“It’s genius,” the source nods along, “this way the FRENCH HAVE TO WATCH IT!”

The broadcast will continue, unrelenting, until the EU BACKS DOWN.

“If we run out of Dad’s Army there’s always a long list of black and white WW2 films to screen and THE ENGLISH VICTORY IN THE 1966 WORLD CUP!”

The only potential problem in the scheme to HIT THE EU WHERE IT HURTS is Home Secretary Priti Patel’s plans to deploy a wall of floating Union Flag barges down the middle of the English Channel to stop BRUSSELS SPYING ON US!

“It’s okay. Mr Johnson has said we’re going to be a digital tech superpower. We’ll just cut some holes in the barge line and the French can SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT!”

BREXIT BENEFITS COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER : OMG the Brexiters have done the impossible today and agreed to agree a trade agreement with Australia.

The exciting development maybe a surprise but was of course a forgone conclusion after Liz Truss went there with a Union Flag umbrella. Who could resist the power of those Sydney Harbour visuals? Not the Australians! Especially not Australians with some extra jars of Vegemite and a spare packet of Tim Tams to export to the far side of the world!

“Clearly it’s important no one mentions hormone injected beef as we celebrate this monumental achievement,” a spokesman for the British Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, said. “Also don’t talk about the ecological vandalism required to tear up trade with half a billion people a few miles away in favour of trade with half a dozen a world away. This is Global Britain, to question its achievements is unpatriotic.”

To help embed the world beating win Downing Street had enlisted the help of the Royal Mail. They will be producing a special celebratory stamp to mark the agreement to agree to agree an agreement.

“The stamp will list all the benefits to the U.K. of the Aussie FTA,” the spokesman revealed. “It will be the smallest stamp ever produced by any nation on Earth. It is just that significant. And no one can question the value of the projected 0.02% to U.K. GDP over the next 15 to 1,000 years. We’ve had an electron microscope discover it.”

Break out the bunting Global Britons! Brexit may be costing you thousands each per year but you’ll sooner or later get 10p off a jar of Vegemite! Well done cobbers! This ain’t a load of cobblers!

G YOURSELF UP : The United Kingdom is to follow its world beating success at hosting the recent G7 summit in Cornwall by hosting the first ever G1 next month.

It’s believed Prime Minister Boris Johnson will announce this evening the timing of the G1 after he informs the great British public that full lockdown easing will be delayed for four weeks because “he screwed up the pandemic plan by just not caring overly much about public health, again.”

The date the G1 begins will be on “Freedom Day” as that is felt most appropriate to really showcase post Brexit Britain to the British press. Only the Great British press will be invited to the event to ensure client journalists turn up and not some pesky foreign types intent on undermining Brexit by talking Britain down. For this purpose Channel 4 will be classed as foreign press and moved to immigration detention in Kent.

“The G1 will show the entire world the extend of Global Britain’s influence,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Only inviting ourselves will send a strong and unequivocal message to foreigners about who is best. Also how we intend to take advantage of the newfound freedoms made available by reclaiming our sovereignty.”

The summit will feature all the same high points as the recent G7 with the addition of a series of domestic announcements.

“Boris Johnson will agree to outlaw the use of metric with himself and the imposition of imperial for all important measurements. Especially sausages and bananas.”

The conclusion of the summit will also mirror the triumphant closure of the G7 with the PM swimming in the sea on his own.

“Only this time he will keep swimming towards the horizon where a submarine will surface and collect him. He will never be seen again but it’s okay, as Carrie will then reign in his place instead to ensure strong and stable government from 55 Tufton Street continues unimpeded.”

The nationality of the submarine hasn’t been revealed but it’s believed it will be “Russian”.