Category: Global Britain

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: Nostril bender in chief Michael Gove has a new role. When Liz Truss was casting around for volunteers to promote British Trade around the globe, he allegedly jumped at the chance. 

“It was right up his sinuses, I mean his street,” confirmed Dutchie of Lancaster spokestoker Ebenezer Goode. “I can reveal that Michael has been on an undercover mission for several weeks now, it’s been a real shot in the arm for him.” 

It’s a fact that Michael Gove gets up some people’s noses, in the same way that certain illicit substances get up his. Allegedly. 

“He also needed a break,” continued Goode. “After all those rumours about his marriage that dreadful Sarah Vine woman wrote about him. If Boris can stick it where he likes and get away with it, why not Michael? In Columbia all his problems can vanish in a puff of smoke.” 

He’s a joker, he’s a smoker, he’s a midnight toker. Allegedly. 

Gove is apparently undercover with a young gentleman of his acquaintance. Undercover, or, if the rumours are true, on top of the covers, on the settee and over the kitchen table. And all the time boosting our trade with Columbia! Gove has quite the nose for these matters. Allegedly. 

“I can neither confirm nor deny these rumours,” said Goode shiftily, popping a pill (“It’s for a migraine,” he explained). “He’s on his uppers, you must understand this. And downers. Follow the money, the good old LSD.” 

Groovy man. Far out. The man with kaleidoscope eyes. Allegedly. 

“The sky’s the limit,” concluded Goode. “High up in the sky, with diamonds, crazy diamonds, shining on, and Michael is as high as they come! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” 

We Global Britons all wish that Michael Gove gets a good deal. And that he has a successful trip. Allegedly. 

STICK A FLAG ON IT : A special kind of talent is needed these days to embarrass the U.K. overseas and many thought we’d exhausted the available talent pool after five years of Brexit, but Liz Truss has stepped up to the plate and hit another six.

It seems Dominic Raab’s week long spot in the spotlight as most humiliating Secretary of State is over, at least for the day, after Ms Truss wowed social media with an announcement that old Beefy himself was now a trade envoy to Australia.

The choice of the famous cricketer of forty years past to wow Australia into demanding imports of cheddar and pasties was obvious because “he’s a committed Brexiter and so knows fuck all about trade”.

This deep and enduring knowledge aligns neatly with Ms Truss’s own. We’ve all just got to hope the Aussies don’t mention it.

“Rewarding Brexiters for their pigheaded commitment to our mission to make the United Kingdom the most embarrassing country on Earth is vital to the success of Brexit,” an aide to Ms Truss told LCD Views. “It’s all very well to destroy a vital trade system with the EU, but you’ve got to have somewhere far away that can never replace it.”

Lord Botham should have special success Downunder because the distant antipodean colonial upstarts are well known to have an automatic deference to English titles.

“We expect once Botham staggers off the Union Flag plane they’ll line up to doff their caps and give the mother country whatever he demands,” the aide adds, “although of course it would be handy if the EU has any established agreements we can just cut and paste, weaken the conditions of and then sign in a hurry. This has been Ms Truss’s successful recipe.”

Whatever the impact on trade though is thought to be unimportant.

“This is primarily about rewarding Brexiters for their ability to deny reality and live in a mind palace of total fantasy and privilege. As such it only matters that they feel puffed up, not that they achieve anything. Brexit isn’t about that.”

It wasn’t just Botham in the news though, Baroness Hoey has been appointed trade envoy to Ghana presumably because everyone wants to get her as far away from the House of Lords as possible.

TORY BRITAIN TODAY : 10 DOWNING STREET is busting a gut to put lipstick on the ever present pig today after Boris Johnson napped through events in Afghanistan, and woke up to find his Foreign Secretary on holiday and his administration on fire.

The issues appear to have started when Donald Trump decided to deal with the Taliban and the British Prime Minister (apparently in a coma at the time) went along with it. This mistake was underlined by a parallel one of assuming the then US President would be able to gaslight his way into a second term. Alas, it was not to be, although no one thought to wake up Johnson to tell him it maybe time to reconsider.

Now, unfortunately for Johnson’s true fans, he finds his international reputation taking a battering just when no one thought it could get any worse. But it is worse. The Afghanistan failure risks foremost the lives of people there who trusted Britain. It also punctures the delusional mythology of Tory MPs about their own country, which they’ve done so much to ruin lately, but no one has thought to mention it.

“Johnson was too busy with Brexit anyway to worry about Trump’s deal with the Taliban,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “He was having far too much fun hammering the bubbles and thinking up new ways to have Lord Frost wind up the EU. Then there was wallpaper to choose. A prop dog to hire. Too many plates in the air at one time.”

But all is not lost as the crack team the PM surrounds himself with can be guaranteed to find away to spin the mess Raab made away.

“We’re going with it’s Johnson’s defining Churchillian moment,” the source says. “Draw on that powerful emotional network in the minds of voters linked to WW2. It’s got us out of every problem before now. Why wouldn’t it work? Just so long as no one thinks to say it is Johnson’s Churchillian moment, but it’s Gallipoli.”

FOR WHOM THE DUMB TOLLS : FOREGIN SECRETARY and Brexit Superstar Dominic Raab has spoken publicly regarding his complete and absolute failure on Afghanistan.

It has been widely reported that the muscular brain of British foreign affairs decided to bugger off on holiday just as the Taliban took Kabul. Something only twenty years of experience in Afghanistan, the days immediately precedng the event, the months before the days and the inherent nature of the Taliban, could have predicted.

“Had there been a Ladybook of Extremists for me to read I may have stood a fighting chance of not getting on the plane to Crete,” the broad plank of state commented. “As it was there was only the bleeding obvious as a guide and I’m notoriously phobic about blood.”

Unfortunately for the Raabster even some normally docile Tory MPs are reportedly Raabid now about Raab.

“Some are accusing me of torpedoing the myth they hold of themselves and their idolised vision of themselves as a great military power who never abandons its friends,” Raab shrugged. “I don’t really understand that. I’m sufficiently insulated against any of my own cockups not to let any failure penetrate. They should try it. I mean it’s a bit rum when the old packet of minced meat Davis has to defend you.”

But even though Raab is now clearly “on a journey” to a greater understanding of how boring holding one of the great offices of state can be, he does still have a fight all of his own now over Afghanistan. It’s politically life or death for Dom.

“I want to reassure everyone that I have learned the lessons of going off to stay in a Putin linked luxury resort during a cascading foreign policy crisis,” he told the country. “I can see now that this mistake, although innocent, has damaged my prospects of becoming Prime Minister. And I assure everyone I will do everything I can to save my career.”

LIFE’S A BEACH : The United Kingdom is being governed by geniuses, everyone agrees, and not just any geniuses, it’s the geniuses who delivered Brexit.

“It’s just as well we’ve got a bunch of guys who can half remember some Latin or Greek running the show,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the state of things if we had some proper girly swots in charge? You know the type. Head always buried in a book. That wouldn’t have gotten Brexit done! We’d have stumbled on minor details like, Europe has a shortage of HGV drivers, so we better not end FOM.”

Happily as the days pass the stellar quality of the brains behind Britain becomes more and more apparent. From driver shortages, to worker shortages and on into chicken shortages. It’s a win a day now.

“Some critics are saying we need to talk about Brexit,” the source adds, “but they’re just jealous they didn’t get any PPE deals. Envy of your betters is never a good look. Just be happy there will be a job we class as low skilled waiting for your kids at the end of their education. Clearly people who had the forethought to have better accidents of birth will buy their children high grades and better prospects. It’s just the natural way of things in Britain.”

In spite of this upbeat assessment of Global Britain’s prospects there is now just one dark cloud on the horizon.

“Oh that business in Afghanistan will soon blow over,” the source shrugs. “You wait by next week the tabloids will be back to hating on refugees and it’ll be business as usual. As surely as the end of the pingdemic will see all UK supply chain issues resolve themselves, the Taliban will stick to their agreements. After all, if they don’t they’ll have Johnson and Raab to deal with.”

GLOBAL BRITAIN LEAVES : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has made a proper example of himself in recent years, especially when it come to adhering to the promises he’s made, but doesn’t intend to keep.

“To move the gaslighting from domestic to international was a tour de force,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I don’t believe too many of our elder statesman would have had the balls to try it on with the unelected EU, but Johnson did. He’s got sufficient spunk for any blag. Girlfriend, the Great British Public or EU Council President.”

And the example of Mr Johnson will be key as the re-emerging powerhouse of Brexitannia cuts its own path through the thickets of international cooperation and statecraft.

“It seems the wily old Taliban aren’t that concerned about sticking to the agreement they made with Donald Trump. Which is a shock. Donald Trump is such a great deal maker. Boris Johnson is going to have a word with them.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will draw on his deep personal experience at having Lord Frost negotiate the Withdrawal Agreement with the EU.

“Just say whatever you need to get them to shut up and sign it,” the source explains. “It worked a treat to get Brexit done. Worry about the fall out after you’ve got the desired result.”

The advice on offer to the extremists over in Afghanistan will be specially targeted.

“Look. You’ve made a commitment. You’ve given your word. You’ve got the result you required in the short term. Now do whatever you like and let other people worry about it. Just think about getting a human shield in case you need plausible deniability down the road. Get yourself a Lord Frost and have him issue most of the threats to tear up the agreement. Just follow Mr Johnson’s example.”

And if you’ve some spare US cash lying about after the evacuation of Western forces?

“Buy a peerage.”

HIDE AND SEEK : The British Army has a lot on its plate recently with the rolling collapse of traditional industry thanks to Brexit, and they’re about to get even busier.

Reconnaissance units especially, minesweepers and any other soldiers specialising in locating and finding have been given fresh orders to locate serving Tory MPs.

“Mr Johnson interrupted his dining plans yesterday to make a show of concern over Afghanistan. He was even prepared to recall Parliament to make a proper job of looking worried, but the whips couldn’t find any MPs to decorate the Commons chamber with. Of course, first he had to find the whips. Then someone realised we still have a Foreign Secretary, but they could be buggered if anyone knew where he was. Off somewhere warm looking surprised he was in post was thought a likely guess. It was a right mess. Finally one of the SPADS suggested scouring the beaches of the Med? Then we started to make headway.”

But although the likely location of a sufficient number of MPs has been correctly deduced to “as far away from Blighty as possible”, getting them to respond to calls to come home early is an uphill struggle.

“That’s why we’ve brought in the army. SAS as well as regulars. Some of those MPs are going to be tough nuts to crack. In particular the chaps with villas and chateaus etc. They turned their phones off at Heathrow. We’ll need to parachute in with special forces and shock them with rendition.”

One saving grace is the pandemic. While social distancing has been binned for the plebs, their betters in Parliament are still limited.

“We only need to rustle up a dozen or so. You’d think that would be a cinch? But you try finding even that many Tories with a classic British summer doing its cloudy best to scatter everyone to the Med! Ha! We should have dragged a few back by Wednesday though. Then we’ll have a right old handwringing festival in the chamber and make a bunch of promises for the Home Secretary to break later. You’ll see. Global Britain at its finest!”

CHAMBERLAINING ALONG : Global LEADER and part time U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to interrupt his tour of his mind palace to address the fast moving events in Afghanistan.

“The Prime Minister is very excited to address the dramatic and terrifying retaking of the country by the medievalists as he will be able to mix in some Ancient Greek references,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Oh and he’s desperately concerned over whatever is happening.”

While the lure of being able to show off with mention of Alexander the Great is certainly a plus for Britain’s greatest serving Prime Minister, he will also have more to play about with in what will be stirring oratory. If it’s 2am. And you’re drunk. And nothing really matters to you anymore but yourself.

“Churchill’s first book was set in what is now western Pakistan and eastern Afghanistan. It’s non-fiction, unlike the Prime Minister’s non-fiction works, which are mostly fictional and designed to use the topic to reflect his fictional idea of himself. But the fact of Churchill’s involvement is a bridge the PM can cross. This will help ease the real problem here which is a PM and a Home Secretary desperate to throw refugees out of the U.K. to keep their radicalised base content, but now finding they have to fly some in!”

But those who expected swifter action will have to be patient as it will take the PM several days to compose his barnstorming lecture on what is happening yesterday.

“This is why it’s taking days to recall Parliament. It’s not just getting enough MPs back to the U.K. to make a show of things. Then there’s Priti Patel. She has to be sedated so we can take in some refugees with links to U.K. armed services. And Raab. Let’s not forget the Foreign Secretary, even though that’s very easy. He has to be drilled with the knowledge Afghanistan is an actual country and not a command to teach a type of large hound to stand. That alone will take days. Then there’s the threat of Tory MPs resigning the whip over their government’s incompetence and lack of action. No wait. There’s no risk of that. They’ll just grandstand on social media like always.”

When it does arrive the speech won’t be all baffling and irrelevant classical references, there will be some measure of stick directed squarely at the extremists.

“Do you want to talk to Liz Truss and agree the basis of further negotiations for a trade deal or not? They have to have a good, long, hard think about that. If they don’t keep to the terms of the deal Trump did with them, and Johnson went along with they won’t be exporting too many cars to Britain.”

While all this is sorted everyone can at least be reassured that when it comes to the plight of refugees in mortal danger overseas Britannia will wield its sovereignty in a way that will demonstrate that Boris Johnson did his best. Days late. When there was only one option left.

BROKEN BRITAIN : Welcome confirmation from 10 Downing Street today that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will focus on self-promotion and let the Home Secretary “have at” the Afghan refugee crisis however she likes.

There was concern that Global Britain, famously now free of the shackles of Brussels, may choose to act in a humanitarian way befitting the urgency of events in Afghanistan. However reports from inside the Home Office have put those fears to rest.

“We’re going to ask one very important question each time we are faced with making a decision over this crisis, and indeed any humanitarian crisis,” a Home Office insider told LCD Views. “That question is what would Nigel Farage do?”

The guiding principle has a fail safe too.

“There is some worry that if the public pressure to assist Afghan refugees, who themselves assisted the British army over the last twenty years, grows too strong Mr Farage may switch position and call for us to help. So we’ll be taking our guidance from his 2016 EU ref ‘Breaking Point’ billboard. You recall the one? He unveiled it on the day Jo Cox was murdered by a far right terrorist and the U.K. political class just kinda got over its shock fast and barrelled along into Brexit. Zero lessons were learned and that’s the way Brexiters like it.”

While the UK’s descent, at government level, into a stinking cesspit of moral depravity and corruption is no surprise, and the bleed through into policy a natural consequence, the entire shitshow does show the importance of progressive politicians robustly challenging the racist dog whistles of degenerates.

“If they don’t then what is acceptable drifts further along the path to a living hell. We’re now at the point of not wanting to help women, men and children at serious risk of death because others may think we will help in similar situations. And let’s all take a moment to think about that and what it says about the United Kingdom today. We beat fascism, don’t you know.”

DO WHAT YOU LOVE : The news of labour shortages in the booming post pandemic economy is a constant these days. Sectors that used to be burdened by Brussels’ red tape into providing employment for foreign born workers are now grinding to a halt because of the betrayal of British industry by the same workers.

Luckily for plucky Global Britain it has the right personnel at the top of government and they are going to fix the issue, at least temporarily. Starting in the new year the Home Office is to run a series of adverts to lure EU27 migrant labour back across the Channel and back to work in Brexitannia.

It’s believed the “charm offensive” will feature Home Secretary Priti Patel smiling in police uniform and standing outside the entrance to one of the United Kingdom’s premier immigration detention facilities. The script will of course write itself as Ms Patel holds forth on the appeal of being incarcerated by the British.

Industry leaders are thought to be unsure how to respond to the initiative, having largely kept quiet since 2016 out of fear of what would happen if they spoke out against the vein bursting madness of the British government. Is it safe to criticise Brexit yet? Do I want to find myself frozen out of access to ministers? It’s a tough call to make, even as you go out of business.

Ms Patel is said to be “upbeat and excited” over the chance to lure EU27 workers back as the Hostile Environment must be fed constantly or it gets very, very angry.

“We’re all really excited about the videos we will be posting on social media next year,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Just imagine the looks on the faces of EU27 workers who decide to brave coming back to Blighty, only to find themselves detained by armed police and locked in a cell awaiting deportation? The looks on their faces will be classic. This is Global Britain. This is how we roll. We beat fascism and we’ve forgotten how country’s fall into it.”

A soundtrack of the Home Secretary laughing her socks off will accompany the advertising campaign so everyone knows that she is loving her work.