Category: Global Britain

TOP SECRET : OPERATION IDIOT has been “green lit” by the Home Secretary in what is predicted to be a boom for the indigenous British goldfish biotechnology industry.

Under the plan millions of goldfish-shark hybrids will be bred at a top secret research facility located inside the basement at Chequers before being given the “taste of human blood”. Once they are fully trained they will be released into the ENGLISH Channel.

It is hoped that news of the new and highly dangerous ornamentals swimming up and down the Channel will deter refugee crossings from France.

“So far having an ageing racist shout at the sea hasn’t worked to stop people fleeing our arms export industry,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.

“The invention of the most crap action figure ever, Dan The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, also failed. Probably because no one knows where he is. So it’s time to involve the UK’s world leading science sector in the effort to gain the reputation as the most racist European nation going. We can do it if we all pull together as a team and cheer the goldfish-shark hybrids on.”

But critics of the scheme have asked why goldfish were chosen for the breeding programme and not just actual sharks?

“A junior minister has a school friend whose paper cup factory has gone into bankruptcy. Allowing him to reinvent himself a biotech genius will validate transferring millions of taxpayers cash to the Caymans, via his current account. It’s a win win.”

Additionally goldfish are believed to be the Prime Minister’s favourite animal.

“He thinks voters have the memories of goldfish and when he’s done with them he can just flush them away. Like the voters.”

The release of the fish should add to excitement on British beaches next year when they “start washing up with British Brexit turds.”

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS: We must pay more NI, the Crime Minister has announced. This is to compensate for losing NI to the naughty wicked EU.

There is no Magic Money Tree, as his predecessor would have claimed. Well there is, and it’s very useful for personal enrichment, but it never seems to work for the common good. So instead low earners must put their filthy hands in their unworthy pockets again, this time to bail out the failures of Brexit.

“NI for NI!” boasted Johnson at a press conference for the favoured few. Rapturous cheers erupted from the surrounding sycophants in the room. Johnson relaxed, as his ego swelled. “You don’t get something for nothing!” he bellowed, sounding like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and a social media troll. “NI must go up to save NI! There is no alternative!”

This was splendid stuff, but unfortunately he had nothing else concrete for his adoring fans.

“Erm, erm, erm, I say, yes, no, oh yes, NI for NI!” he waffled. “At least we have a plan, unlike the negligent Opposition who haven’t put a decent policy in place for eleven, yes my friends, eleven years!”

Funny that. But why must the poorest in society pay for the abject failure of Brexit to maintain the integrity of the United Kingdom?

“Yes, well, no, erm, erm, wiff waff,” Johnson replied convincingly, as the journalists swooned and giggled girlishly. “That’s not right, but even if it is, erm, yes, no, erm, we all benefit, and that’s the issue here.”

And will the people currently hiding untold billions in offshore accounts out of reach of the taxman be asked to contribute at all?

“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Johnson to spontaneous applause. “Only the little people pay taxes! NI! NI! NI!”

Like the Knights Who Say NI, he shambled off in search of a shrubbery.

Wanted: One Prime Minister, currently missing. Please check your fridge.

CHOOSE YOUR LEADERS WELL : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported as “rocked to his core” last night after a dinner guest mentioned the crisis in Afghanistan, between courses.

“Initially the PM thought his guest was referencing the first book by Winston Churchill, The Road to Mandalay, and he was ready to blag his way through the next few minutes. But slowly it dawned on him the donor was talking about current affairs.”

The identity of the donor is unclear, although it’s thought to be a structurally bankrupt paper cup manufacturer willing to donate heavily to the Conservatives, once he’s received a contract to manufacture blood test tubes of variable standard.

“He may even stump up for the next nanny,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a very exciting prospect. It was worth investing time and having another donor purchase dinner. The PM likes to lead by example. This is how you improve your prospects by hard work and is an excellent example for those on Universal Credit.”

The end result of the conversation is a new focus by Mr Johnson on the crisis in Afghanistan. Unkind critics suggest he “sleepwalked into” it because he could care less, leaving thousands of Afghanis at risk of a terrifying, short future.

“The polling isn’t great,” the source explains. “Dom being on a beach as Afghanistan fell to the Taliban has cut through in the same way that the other Dom breaking pandemic restrictions cut through. Mr Johnson needs to get on the front foot and pretend to be involved or plans for a 2022 GE are imperilled.”

The main idea now will be for the PM to be “seen to be doing something”, before he has lunch.

“We are considering flying him to Afghanistan to stage a photo shoot with a mop,” the source adds. “But that’s got way too much support within the cabinet.”

NO MATTER HOW FAR NOW MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES : UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab is seeking to repair his irredeemably shattered reputation as a humanitarian today.

But it’s not Afghanistan that is the focus of his bulging brain but the millions of lost EU workers. It’s reported that while at lunch today with “some of the chaps” he overhead background conversation on the challenges facing British industry since the Oven Ready Brexit was signed, sealed and partially delivered.

“He’s in a lather,” an aide to the puzzled politico told LCD Views. “He wants to be seen front and centre leading the search and rescue operation to locate the missing EU workers.”

It’s believed Mr Raab has ordered that “high mountain peaks” and “low, shady valleys” should be the first place to look in case the lost workers went for a hike and got lost. He is drawing on his personal experience as he designs the strategy to rescue them.

“The real winners here will of course be the EU workers who have gone back across the Channel,” the aide says. “They’ll never have to face living under a government staffed by such spectacular idiots as Raab who strip them of rights given them at birth by virtue of shared humanity, and then wonder where they’ve all gone?”

Staff surrounding the struggling Home Secretary are said to be attempting to explain that the phrase he overhead did not mean the EU workers were physically lost, but have been lost to British industry because of Brexit. It’s understood hopes are not high on a breakthrough though as it would involve Raab understanding he’s at fault and he’s not programmed by his designers to process that.

STRAINED HIS SINEW : The U.K. foreign secretary Dominic Raab is said to be “still confused” this morning after telling staff he was told by Boris Johnson he will be nominating him for the “Noble Peace Prize”.

The major source of confusion seems to be Raab’s inability to understand the alleged remark by his boss may have been being sarcastic. Boris Johnson has passed the high watermark of his interest in Afghanistan now and just wishes it would all go away, so he can get on with his hi vis and photo shoots.

“Raab is trying to work out what piece of what prize he will win and why it’s so well intentioned,” an aid to the permanent surprised Secretary of State told LCD Views.

The nomination will at least give the ranks of sycophantic back bench Tory MPs something else to tweet about sycophantically in his defence. They will do whatever they’re told, no matter how dense, which is some source of comfort to the entire Tory Party.

“None of the excuses, none of the deflection, none of the exaggeration, none of the lies, none of it would have been needed if he had just stayed at his desk and done his job,” the aide sighed. “Or even taken his phone off aeroplane mode when he got to the luxury resort. He is still waiting for his phone to fly by the way. He’s incredibly well qualified to be in Johnson’s cabinet. Don’t you think?”

The multiple pile up of failures by Raab has also angered campaigners who say MPs should be paid more so they focus more on their job.

“We have to sort out some employment criteria first,” one told LCD Views. “Allowing people who are lazy as roads and thick as mince to stand for election at Westminster isn’t doing anyone any favours. Especially not the people of Afghanistan.”

Mr Raab is said to be waiting expectantly by his phone to see if he has won the Nobel Peace Prize and if he has will “take some time off to celebrate”.

TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK : The British Prime Minister is as famous for standing by his friends as he is for his Scottish, Cornish, Caribbean, Canadian and Italian holidays, and he’s not going to leave Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab out to dry.

“Dom has enough on his hands just dealing with global matters,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “When Raab first entered the Foreign Office he found a giant globe of the Earth in the foyer. He’s still searching it for the corners. He’s heard there are four. He can’t even find one. It’s really taxing. He needs his time off to recharge and continue his personal mission.”

Recent time off coincided with international crisis as Raab was waiting by the sea in Crete at a £6,000 a night villa, waiting for the sea to open. That’s what Raab said. And then the Taliban just took over pretty much all of Afghanistan. Just like that.

“No one saw it coming. Except for various foreign governments who’ve been evacuating people for weeks,” the source says. “Dom was given briefs but he couldn’t work out how to wear them. There wasn’t even a YouTube instruction video.”

Happily this is where Boris Johnson steps up to the plate to help out his friend.

“How can Johnson just leave Raab out to dry on the beach? He’s done everything wrong that Raab has done and a lot more besides. So he’s found a really neat solution which is actually symmetrical, like a sphere. I think.”

The solution to the Afghanistan problem appears to be to offer to pay the Taliban a lot of money. A lot.

“All they need to do to receive the cash incentive is provide three weeks holiday cover a month for Raab. If the test of the scheme is successful it could really take off and be extended to 10 Downing Street too.”

Won’t there be concerns about allowing foreign powers’ medievalist functionaries dictate U.K. foreign policy while Raab is off?

“Don’t be silly. What foreign policy?”

NOT WAVING DROWNING : If Boris Johnson has anything to do with it the United Kingdom will avoid the worst impacts of the Climate Change disaster that is clearly already occurring.

Surprisingly it seems Brexit is to thank for it and the cascade of negative consequences that are now daily mounting as a result of deciding to go through with it.

“Mr Johnson is the leader Britain needs if it’s to avoid the catastrophe of rising sea levels and terrifying weather events,” an aide to the Prime Minister reveals. “He’s been working on his plan to save the U.K. from the horror of the environmental meltdown for years. Ever since he decided to go with Leave and not Remain.”

It seems the genius strategy is simplicity itself and is already working.

“We’re a global laughing stock and the guffaws around the world are getting louder,” the aide says. “This is exactly what Mr Johnson intended. If you’re not embarrassed by the rapid disintegration of the UK’s standing and its ability to function domestically yet, you soon will be.”

The prize the Johnson strategy aims to achieve is to make the U.K. “so terribly embarrassed that it will sink into the sea with shame.”

This looks likely to happen well before Climate Change becomes insurmountable and will spare us all having to live through the events of years to come.

“By the time the low lying areas of the U.K. join up with Doggerland in one massive sunken landscape we’ll already be a modern Atlantis. And hiding behind our stone sofas. There’s nothing to worry about from climate change. From no working fast food chains to empty supermarkets and on to defeat by the Taliban the U.K. now looks ridiculous to everyone. We’re sinking fast and that’s just what Mr Johnson wants.”

The U.K. will be the first modern industrialised state to vanish beneath the waves from embarrassment and we have the heavy weight of shame heaped on us by our own corrupt and unchallenged political leadership to thank for it.

A country dying of shame? Just Boris being Boris. It’s what the people decided.

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: Nostril bender in chief Michael Gove has a new role. When Liz Truss was casting around for volunteers to promote British Trade around the globe, he allegedly jumped at the chance. 

“It was right up his sinuses, I mean his street,” confirmed Dutchie of Lancaster spokestoker Ebenezer Goode. “I can reveal that Michael has been on an undercover mission for several weeks now, it’s been a real shot in the arm for him.” 

It’s a fact that Michael Gove gets up some people’s noses, in the same way that certain illicit substances get up his. Allegedly. 

“He also needed a break,” continued Goode. “After all those rumours about his marriage that dreadful Sarah Vine woman wrote about him. If Boris can stick it where he likes and get away with it, why not Michael? In Columbia all his problems can vanish in a puff of smoke.” 

He’s a joker, he’s a smoker, he’s a midnight toker. Allegedly. 

Gove is apparently undercover with a young gentleman of his acquaintance. Undercover, or, if the rumours are true, on top of the covers, on the settee and over the kitchen table. And all the time boosting our trade with Columbia! Gove has quite the nose for these matters. Allegedly. 

“I can neither confirm nor deny these rumours,” said Goode shiftily, popping a pill (“It’s for a migraine,” he explained). “He’s on his uppers, you must understand this. And downers. Follow the money, the good old LSD.” 

Groovy man. Far out. The man with kaleidoscope eyes. Allegedly. 

“The sky’s the limit,” concluded Goode. “High up in the sky, with diamonds, crazy diamonds, shining on, and Michael is as high as they come! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” 

We Global Britons all wish that Michael Gove gets a good deal. And that he has a successful trip. Allegedly. 

STICK A FLAG ON IT : A special kind of talent is needed these days to embarrass the U.K. overseas and many thought we’d exhausted the available talent pool after five years of Brexit, but Liz Truss has stepped up to the plate and hit another six.

It seems Dominic Raab’s week long spot in the spotlight as most humiliating Secretary of State is over, at least for the day, after Ms Truss wowed social media with an announcement that old Beefy himself was now a trade envoy to Australia.

The choice of the famous cricketer of forty years past to wow Australia into demanding imports of cheddar and pasties was obvious because “he’s a committed Brexiter and so knows fuck all about trade”.

This deep and enduring knowledge aligns neatly with Ms Truss’s own. We’ve all just got to hope the Aussies don’t mention it.

“Rewarding Brexiters for their pigheaded commitment to our mission to make the United Kingdom the most embarrassing country on Earth is vital to the success of Brexit,” an aide to Ms Truss told LCD Views. “It’s all very well to destroy a vital trade system with the EU, but you’ve got to have somewhere far away that can never replace it.”

Lord Botham should have special success Downunder because the distant antipodean colonial upstarts are well known to have an automatic deference to English titles.

“We expect once Botham staggers off the Union Flag plane they’ll line up to doff their caps and give the mother country whatever he demands,” the aide adds, “although of course it would be handy if the EU has any established agreements we can just cut and paste, weaken the conditions of and then sign in a hurry. This has been Ms Truss’s successful recipe.”

Whatever the impact on trade though is thought to be unimportant.

“This is primarily about rewarding Brexiters for their ability to deny reality and live in a mind palace of total fantasy and privilege. As such it only matters that they feel puffed up, not that they achieve anything. Brexit isn’t about that.”

It wasn’t just Botham in the news though, Baroness Hoey has been appointed trade envoy to Ghana presumably because everyone wants to get her as far away from the House of Lords as possible.

TORY BRITAIN TODAY : 10 DOWNING STREET is busting a gut to put lipstick on the ever present pig today after Boris Johnson napped through events in Afghanistan, and woke up to find his Foreign Secretary on holiday and his administration on fire.

The issues appear to have started when Donald Trump decided to deal with the Taliban and the British Prime Minister (apparently in a coma at the time) went along with it. This mistake was underlined by a parallel one of assuming the then US President would be able to gaslight his way into a second term. Alas, it was not to be, although no one thought to wake up Johnson to tell him it maybe time to reconsider.

Now, unfortunately for Johnson’s true fans, he finds his international reputation taking a battering just when no one thought it could get any worse. But it is worse. The Afghanistan failure risks foremost the lives of people there who trusted Britain. It also punctures the delusional mythology of Tory MPs about their own country, which they’ve done so much to ruin lately, but no one has thought to mention it.

“Johnson was too busy with Brexit anyway to worry about Trump’s deal with the Taliban,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “He was having far too much fun hammering the bubbles and thinking up new ways to have Lord Frost wind up the EU. Then there was wallpaper to choose. A prop dog to hire. Too many plates in the air at one time.”

But all is not lost as the crack team the PM surrounds himself with can be guaranteed to find away to spin the mess Raab made away.

“We’re going with it’s Johnson’s defining Churchillian moment,” the source says. “Draw on that powerful emotional network in the minds of voters linked to WW2. It’s got us out of every problem before now. Why wouldn’t it work? Just so long as no one thinks to say it is Johnson’s Churchillian moment, but it’s Gallipoli.”