Category: Global Britain

Theresa May has moved to reassure the country that of the many things that are currently not necessarily binding, the United Kingdom is on the list.

“It’s a timely intervention to stop the horses getting spooked,” Mr Running Hills, analyst for the only British Brexit think tank not currently funded by the Kremlin advises,

“many of the leading nationalists in the nations that comprise the U.K. are wondering if they should be bolting from the stable now, or wait until the stable is completely ablaze in a year or two. The PM has given them the clarity required to stamp their hooves nervously and shuffle about as the hay in the corner starts to burn.”

When to time the dash for independence, or unification, is an overwhelming concern being discussed at length behind closed doors.

“All you need to do is get a tiny percentage advantage in a non-binding referendum by hammering relentlessly a series of lies that no one will hold you to account over, regardless of the severity of the potential consequences, and whacko, you have a mandate to turn the world on its head and see what falls off,” the prime minister reminded the house.

David Davis MP is rumoured to already be sending his CV to the SNP, Plaid, Sinn Fein and the Cornish Independence Party to ensure he has work going on from 2019.

“It’s very clever of Mr Davis,” Mr Hill observed, “I think he’s taking the classic builder’s path. Get the job 80% done and bugger off to the next one saying you’ll be back next week to finish up.”

For editorial balance in this article we asked Brexit Dad to comment,

“The mighty lion of the United Kingdom has never been more united behind the Saint George flag. Not on my watch you traitorous remoaner.”

That’ll bring everyone together.

LCD Views community relations correspondent reports the alarming news this morning that Brexit Dad is locked in his shed and refusing to talk to anyone after bowling 350 million no balls in a charity cricket match.

“It’s terrible for him, the poor love,” Mrs Narage told LCD, “he was really looking forward to last night’s match to celebrate the start of the Ashes.”

Mrs Narage went on to explain that Brexit Dad, or Figel as he’s known locally, had started practising several minutes before the match began and believed he was in form.

“He actually got the first ball on the pitch,” Mrs Narage said, “but then he realised the charity the match was in aid of was for economic migrants and he just lost all his rhythm.”

Didn’t he check before deciding to take part in the match who it was for?

“He didn’t. Silly Figel. He’s so big hearted. When one of the younger chaps down at the Saint George asked him to bowl for charity he just signed right up. He’s livid. He feels totally hoodwinked.”

Apparently Figel is not the only person feeling let down by the event.

“He said he could bowl. That he was a faster bowler than Boycott,” match organiser Mr Prog Ressive explained, “he’s rubbish. I know he’s getting on and he’s not, well, not in the best shape, but I believed him when he said he could manage one over. Six balls. For charity.”

One over comprising three hundred and fifty million no balls must go in Guinness Book of World Records, surely?

“He ordered me to strike all details of his involvement out of the record. He says he would never have agreed to support the fleecing of the great British taxpayer in aid of economic migrants who should stay home and fight. Or some rot like that. We were raising money for refugee children!”

As to when Mrs Narage expects Figel to come out of his shed?

“He could stay in there all day. I suspect he’s rearranging some WW2 memorabilia he bought off EBay. He does like to give the cap badges a good polish. Little skulls they are.”

Let’s hope he recovers quickly. We understand he needs to help set up the local church nativity play set later.

“He won’t let the church down. He’s a good Christian. The milk of human kindness flows from my Figel.”

There were further shock revelations from the ‘Paradise Papers’ today with the publication of extracts suggesting the Moon was declared a crown dependency in 2011 and has been turned into a tax haven.

LCD Views’ Tax, Manners and Small Nails specialist studied the extracts and provided the following breakdown:

“You’ve got to help me! I can’t do this anymore!”

The breakdown finished, he told us what he thought about the latest revelation.

“It’s hardly surprising,” Mr H.M Cola said, “With public awareness of the generally legal, but it is argued deeply immoral, use of offshore tax havens increasing steadily, and with it a clamour for reform, tax dodgers are having to go to greater and greater distances to hide their money.”

It’s believed three craters on the Moon are used as legal headquarters for businesses looking to “off planet” their assets, but those three craters are already the listed address of some 50K individual companies.

“They’re all in the Sea of Tranquility,” H.M. added, “although I suspect once the new EU regulations targeting tax avoidance come into force in 2019 they will either move to the dark side of the moon or perhaps London, should Brexit happen.”

As to how individuals set up their elaborate schemes is the subject of ongoing scrutiny.

“It’s all done electronically I suspect. I don’t believe anyone actually physically goes there to do it.”

The revelation has piqued the interest of a famous British electronic manufacturer who is rumoured to be planning a combined factory and pub (with a business colleague) so long as the regulations are sufficient to encourage competitive employment conditions.

Asked what they intended to do about the Moon a representative for the Treasury had this response,

“Wheel out some aged humanitarian to try and draw moral equivalency between billionaires avoiding tax and cash in hand workers like we always do. What do you want from us? The Moon on a stick?”

The titanic ship HMS Global Britain has been launched amid a fanfare of polarised opinion. Naysayers have complained bitterly about the blatant lack of lifeboats and other safety features. Supporters don’’t care, and just want her to sail as soon as possible.

HMS Global Britain is owned by the Brown Nose Line. It was conceived as a result of negotiations between the head Brown Noser, Mr Farage, and the Australian multi-billionaire, Mr Murdoch. Constructed in secret and in great haste, maritime insurance company DUP of London has been heavily bribed to declare her seaworthy.

Unsurprisingly, the dissent has not subsided. Maritime experts from across the British Isles, and beyond, have repeatedly warned that sailing a shoddily-built tub completely lacking safety features is a recipe for disaster.

The First Lord of the Admiralty, Mr Gove, has dismissed the so-called “experts”. In bold fashion, he states, “”Unlike these unelected minions, I have a powerful mandate. Therefore I speak with the authority of the people.””

Without wishing to linger upon the identity of Mr Gove’’s “powerful mandate” (rumoured to be a certain Mr Johnson), the matter seems to be resolved. HMS Global Britain will sail on 29 March, 2019, whether fully fitted out or not.

The rich and greedy have rushed to buy tickets for her maiden voyage to the brave new world. Anyone refusing to clamour for tickets has been branded a traitor and a saboteur by Mr Murdoch’’s camp.

With tickets priced at up to £80,000 each (at 2017 values), a black market has opened up for people resorting to desperate measures to raise funds. Tales of organs, and even limbs, being sold are circulating. The most desirable suites cost an arm and a leg.

The captain, Mrs May, has been warned of inclement conditions at sea in March. If you steer too far to the right, she has been told, you run the risk of running into an iceberg and sinking without trace.