Category: Global Britain

A cross party amendment to the EU Withdrawal Bill slipped through by the House of Commons without anyone noticing last week, as we were all too distracted by Boris “Bungle” Johnson’s big Bungle bridge idea.

“We hold ourselves personally accountable,” LCD Views’ political editor wished to apologise.

“We focus our attention on the big hitters of British politics, and sometimes John McDonnell.”

We’d like to apologise.

“We will spend more time following the BBC’s lead from now on and just obsess about UKIP in order to get better ratings.”

It seems the amendment was put forward by Jacob Rees-mogg and seconded by Jeremy “We don’t care what the actual data says anymore either” Corbyn, in order to get the French out of our coat of arms.

“This will best prepare the United Kingdom for life as an isolated, ferocious, pioneering, global trading nation getting the shit owned out of us at the WTO by countries no one remembers ever having heard of,” Ms May, Prime Minister (allegedly), is to say later today.

It won’t be the only change to the famous coat of arms.

“We’re putting a lot more unicorns in,” parliament said this in unison, “both major parties want to jam it full with them,

“There’s a bit of disagreement over whether they should be blue or red, so we’re going for a mixture of both. We can see the personal profit on both sides of the political divide.”

Everyone will find it easier to remember the updated phrase too.

As it’s a proper INGLISH saying and not some forrin muck.

You’ll all be saying it over and over from 2019 whenever a forriner asks what the hell is happening to the United Kingdom, so may as well get practicing.

“We’re not racists, but,” say it again and again.

It’s what happens when you make UKIP’s raison d’être your sole reason for being.

Outside observers have commented though we would be better changing the famous motto to,

reductio ad absurdam…

Theresa May handed her close friend Donald Trump a way around the impasse over funding for his border wall today by saying the U.K. would pay for the wall.

“I want to make this clear, this is our gift to our special friends across the water,” the pm stated, to the background sounds of a magic money tree being not just shaken, but chainsawed to the ground and turned into wood chips.

“All we ask for in return is the chance to talk about holding trade talks with the United States as we prepare to exit the European Union and take our place on a flatter Earth as a bold, buccaneering, swashbuckling country afraid of the dragons at the edges of the maps.”

There was no immediate reply from the White House.

An aide to Donald Trump did assure he would respond, only after he was sure May creating a Minister for Loneliness didn’t mean she was a loser no one talked to? Because he himself wouldn’t seek to help such people.

Before asking who Theresa May was again?

Is she blonde?

Does she accept hush money?

The aide suggested finally, “leave the money in bags at the back door of Trump Tower and Donnie will think about it.”

This will be interpreted by the British tabloid press as an enormous success, guaranteeing the financial security of a post Brexit U.K.

The BBC will also present it this way, for balance.

While there were some murmurs of dissent within May’s cabinet at the plan to send hundreds of billions of pounds to Trump Tower, in unmarked notes, there was support for the prime minister from a sometimes critical corner.

“This is perfectly sensible and pragmatic planning from our wise and matrononic prime minister,” J. Rees-mogg soothed, “Paying huge sums to secure trade deals will make us all richer.”

Mr Rees-mogg went on to explain that his investment business specialises in “emerging markets”.

Leading one to ask the question, just asking you understand,

Does doing business with regimes with a flexible approach to rule of law in anyway influence an inheritance squllionaire’s attitude to Brexit and the importance of charters of rights for everyday folk?

Work on the wall is due to begin Saturday with Boris Johnson demolishing the first Mexican home.

“Boris will swing the hammer!” May trumpted, hands clenched in the air.

This will be a symbol of the close and enduring, special relationship between the United Kingdom and POTUS. Not necessarily a measure of our moral fibre.

The British Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, was in an expansive mood last night when he announced plans for a new cross-channel bridge while having dinner with the President of France.

The Bungle, as it’s been nicknamed by admirers of the bold initiative, is to be completed in time for the UK’s triumphant return to the EU in 2075.

“Working with our fantabababoulist colleagues in the Department for Transport we will build a bridge to somewhere,” Boris told a wry looking Macron, “a sparkling example of what a Britain, freed of the constraints of the EU can do.

We look forward to working in partnership with our friends in the EU to build a bridge symbolising our deep and lasting union, even when we’re out of the union and trying to return.”

The bridge, which will begin at a brownfield site in Kent and terminate in Calais, is to be constructed by a consortium handpicked,

“By my colleague Chris Grayling, who, after consultation with senior donors of the Conservative Party have selected Global Carillion 2.0 to lay the foundations. Global Carillion is a shining example of British teamwork, not for nothing is it nicknamed ‘the Phoenix that never sodding dies’.”

Internal critics in the government have agreed the bridge is an excellent initiative, but have demanded it should cross the Atlantic instead.

This will make it easier for US based asset strippers to cart off the remaining treasure of the U.K. post March 2019.

The response from the EU has been muted, in its enthusiasm.

“They want us to pay for it,” a spokesman for the ECB said, “what’s the point of spending decades building a symbol of partnership? Some clown lol Boris, having escaped from a Jeeves and Wooster novel, will just smash it down again.”

While there has been surprise that the EU has heard of Wodehouse, otherwise the British contingent have interpreted the response as a definite yes, how much money do you want?

Ms May has not been asked for comment because she’s not really the Prime Minister, not really.

Construction begins tomorrow, after the visas for the construction teams have been sorted out.

Build a bridge and make it to somewhere.

The President of France, Emmanuel Macron, has expressed deep shock this morning at learning what the Bayeux Tapestry is all about, and hopes it will not impact on the mood when he talks to Theresa May tomorrow.

“I thought it was the story of when the English, under the last English/German/Viking king of Anglo-Saxon-Scandinavian England, you know, back when England was just for the English, unlike when it was Roman internationalists, or before that, when it was various continental celtic tribes, defeated the French/Norman usurper William the Bastard, at Hastings, by your charming English seaside,” he explained,

“To learn it’s the reverse! Sacré bleu!”

It’s believed the offer of the loan of the famous cloth artefact was meant to ease relations between England and France before their leaders meet tomorrow.

It may have done the reverse for how the English press is viewing it as a subtle bit of Gallic triumphalism, and a warning of what’s to come with the Brexit negotiations this year.

We asked our international diplomacy correspondent, Doctor Blanque Check, what he makes of the French faux pas?

“I’ll make of this phopar whatever you want me to,” he responded, aptly signalling why he is the highest paid imaginary member of our staff, “this is the French being too clever for their own good.

Tomorrow, Emmanuel Macron, is going to sit down on a short legged chair, pat the cushion of the one next to his, and ask Ms May to take a seat next to him, ‘mon mois préféré de mai’”

After Ms May acquiesces, President Macron will say something like this in geezer, to make sure Ms May gets it,

“Do you want a jungle in Dover, you great steaming, robotic pillock?

Because the way you’re going, sweetheart, you’ll find your English border right back in England and thousands of refugees camping along your frozen beaches.

How do you think that’s going to play with the tub thumping idiots you rely on to keep you in power?

No idea? Cat got your tongue?

I’ll tell you.

It’s going to spin your head so fast counterclockwise that those little, bitty bolts that hold your head on will pop right out and the whole show will fall right off. That’s how.

Now give’s your financial services, pharmaceutical, aerospace industries, get ready to pay forty percent more for brie and billions for border security and piss off.”

And how does Doctor Check believe this will play with Ms May?

“She’ll be backing a referendum on the terms of Brexit faster than Corbyn can blink when he hears it,” the doctor replied, “by the way, it’s a frigging embroidery, not a tapestry! What is so bloody hard about that?”

Boris Johnson took a step closer to getting his own reality television show today by choosing to side with the cheeto faced, racism spewing, alleged Kremlin colluding, sock puppet across the pond instead of London’s mayor Sadiq Khan.

“We here at ‘You can be serious’ productions would love to film a month in the life of Boris Johnson as he attempts to cycle to work through a rain of yellow liquid hurled by Londoners,” a talent scout for the company told LCD.

A spokesman for the foreign secretary tried to downplay excitement over the potential television series.

“He’s not ready yet. He maybe siding with a narcissistic man child who retweets manufactured, racist propaganda, but until he starts retweeting such content himself, or doubles down and calls the citizens of countries he has previously insulted with Victorian era phrases something scatalogical, we have advised him not to sign any deals with ‘You can be serious’, because let’s be honest, he can’t.”

Critics of the foreign secretary have also suggested that,

“the actual pompous, puffed up popinjay is the entitled, blonde buffoon who decided to endanger the entire future of the country he represents by backing a side of serial liars and hate mongers in an important referendum campaign, just to get one up on a former school chum who fancies pigs a little too much.”

We here at LCD Views find the Johnsons’ intervention on the side of Trump, and not Khan, even more curious, given Trump is already heading the news for denigrating a big percentage of the world’s citizens as living in a shithole.

Maybe just keep out of it Boris? Oh wait. You’re jealous Nigel was in the news so you decided to jump in?

It’s unlikely London’s mayor is endangering the special relationship between the U.K. and the USA, as Trump is doing that all on his own. And besides, not many of us want a special relationship with Trump.

There is only one pompous, puffed up popinjay in this row and he’s endangering the U.K.’s relationship with reality, daily.

Millions of tourists and people who suffer admin screw ups between the Home Office and the country’s banks are to be gifted free trips to their real homes this year thanks to new Home Office rules forcing banks to perform immigration status checks.

“This is a golden opportunity to mismanage documents and kick out all the benefit scroungers,” Fayda Jansen, patriot, told LCD Views.

“When I got this job at my local bank branch I was pretty bummed out. It meant less time fighting for Britain by spam sharing factually based, patriot posts on social media. Which is my true calling.

But now, if someone who isn’t white and so doesn’t have a right to be on English soil comes up to the counter I can just shred their paperwork and book them a seat on Southern’s new Deporting You First, cross channel train service.

I now love the Home Office.”

But critics of the scheme have hit back.

“The Home Office has already announced it’s closing the Chunnel and turning it into a mushroom farm.

If the government u turns on this promise to keep it open to deport illegal humans, who by the way, shouldn’t be here in the first place if they can afford the buffet car prices on their journey home, how are they going to get them out?

No English boat is going to be free to do it. They’ll all be patrolling BRITISH WATERS as part of the Border Volunteer Force. It’s not thought through.”

Another critic, speaking for a human rights organisation, was similarly unimpressed,

“Okay, this is clearly racist, in intent, which fits with Brexit Britain. Is clearly open to abuse. Is a clear data privacy risk. Is going to discriminate against elderly and poorer people who may not have all the documents needed to hand, and so will be stuffed while they sort things out, and to top it all off, they’re going to put forced to use Southern.”

But Christopher Greylimb, government minister responsible for awarding the plumb contract to Southern defended the scheme.

“We’re caring Conservatives,” he said with a dead eye and a weasel’s smile.

But LCD Views is not convinced.

We’re concerned this is more evidence that Global Britain means deporting anyone not born in Britain, or who hasn’t the paperwork to prove it, to anywhere else on the globe.

Just maybe, maybe, it’s another change under May’s loving reign that makes us a teeny, weeny bit racist…

Thames Waterworks have asked LCD Views to issue an emergency public safety bulletin this morning, on the back of the alarming news that golden showerer in chief, Donald Trump, has called off his planned visit to the capital.

“This is a public safety announcement.

We urgently request all residents of London, and other areas, to not pour your individually collected gallons of piss, stored to throw at Trump, into the storm water drains and sewers all at once,” the bulletin request begins,

“The creaking infrastructure of the capital, and other areas, will be unable to cope with the sheer quantity of yellow liquid and we fear the streets of London, and other areas, being paved with your liquid gold.”

Please take note, this is not the result of privatisation and under investment of the water services.

It is the result of WW2 bomb damage to the infrastructure of the capital, and other areas.

“We ask that you continue to store your liquids safely in neat, well capped, rows in your backyards, out of the reach of boys, and girls, and pets, and drunks.”

Apparently the MoD has expressed interest in collecting the slowly crystallising liquids too.

“As part of Great Britain’s advance into the future we will once again be collecting household urine for the manufacture of gunpowder.”

This is to properly arm the militias Farage intends to set up should Brexit not occur, or even if it does.

“Please be patient at this time of increased demand on the service in London, and other areas.”

You know those leaks in the roads and pavements that occur frequently and take weeks to repair?

You don’t want fountains of wee sparkling in the sunlight on your street.

“This is a public health danger, much like Trump,” the bulletin ends, “and besides, he may still visit later in the year. So keep your powder dry, or wet, to throw another day.”

The end.

David Davis is expected to announce this key policy during the second phase of Brexit talks. Echoing Donald Trump’s pledge to build a border wall with Mexico, Davis now wants a wall along the British border with the EU.

“We will build this wall, and the EU will pay,” Davis claimed at a press conference earlier today. “It’s their fault entirely. We were quite happy to prop up their crumbling regime, until they started nagging us about bendy bananas and employment rights and other such trivia. They drove us away, so they have to pay!”

LCD’s Walking On Water correspondent asked how this would be achieved. “Simple, all you need is a willing team of brickies from Eastern Europe,” replied Davis. “They can build it on their way out.”

But, the English channel is made of water, our correspondent insisted. “The wall will float, like a castle in the air,” countered Davis. “It will be both strong and stable. That’s what Brexit is all about.”

What about shipping? “British ships will use the British side, and foreign ships will use the foreign side,” said Davis. “It’s that simple. There will be no need to actually cross the channel after we leave the EU for good.”

Further plans regarding the wall were revealed. On the British side, a mural of great wartime victories, Winston Churchill, the Queen and the Union Jack will be painted. This is designed to encourage any feeble-minded souls who erroneously think of leaving Britain. Naturally, the skips and the building rubble will be on the foreign side.

To celebrate the grand opening of the wall, the remaining members of Pink Floyd have been contacted, requesting that they reform to perform The Wall, their joyous celebration of Global Britain. This has been met with a unanimous silence. Fortunately, David Davis remarked “I have a cassette of The Wall at home somewhere, I’ll see if I can dig it out.”

Pink Floyd would have been frogmarched to the border and denied re-entry for treason, except for the fact that they are all far too rich.

We contacted the EU’s Construction Department to comment on Davis’ initiative. Much was lost in translation, but the gist was “good luck with that, mate.”

Game specialists Nintendo have launched a special sequel to their smash hit game ‘Pokemon Bro’ in reaction to the withering Conservative Party membership in the U.K.

“Pokemon Tory Membership will allow players to walk around their local area searching for Conservative Party members. The more active the member captured, the more points scored.”

It’s believed the launch date was initially pencilled in for after the local council elections in major metropolitan areas, but the release date has been brought forward.

“We’re worried if we wait until after the May elections there won’t be any members to find in major city centres at all, except for at the House of Commons, but players may have trouble gaining access to the palace if they aren’t press or work for elected MPs.”

Concerns have been raised though that take up of the special edition will still be sluggish.

“Would you want your friends to see you’d spent all day tracking down Conservative Party members and catching them on your phone?” LCD Video and Pinball specialist Reg Ular asked.

“Most game players are young. I can’t see them boasting to their mates about going out looking for Tories.”

But the special committee set up by the Conservative Party to brainstorm ideas about how to attract younger voters was more up for it.

“We were going to push for a version of the classic card game Snap, only all the pictures would be pairs of benefit cheats, overpriced studio apartments, tax havens, NHS services for sale, that sort of thing, but this sounds way more hip. This will totally build on stripping away membership of the EU and all the rights that go with it. Young Tories are fiercely patriotic.”

Anyone who does play the game is asked to be careful when catching a card carrying Tory as many have fragile hips, the average Conservative Party member age now being over seventy.

“If they’re younger, they’re likely to be completely, Patrick Bateman level unhinged, and will need distracting by laying out a line of Thatcher collector cards first,” Reg Ular advises,

“the best idea is to shout into the game’s voice function ‘economic migrant’, or ‘overseas development aid’, as that will immediately freeze most with rage and you can just bag them and keep moving.”

The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rupert Murdoch, has phoned Theresa May and ordered her to see to it that “there’s a great, big farking queue of meat wagons all along Downing Street” to show the people of the U.K. that the NHS is not in crisis.

“This will reassure everyone,” said Handoncock, an aide to deputy PM Theresa May, “if we can spare thirty or forty ambulances, with crews, to sit empty on Downing Street, then there can’t be an NHS crisis, can there? This is all going exactly to plan.”

It’s believed the emergency measure will last until the first day of spring and there are plans to expand the new system.

“We are thinking of placing medical staff inside 10 Downing Street in a A&E department where they will treat visitors to the deputy PM’s office.”

This will inject a bit of much needed fun into the health service.

“Critics have been complaining for some time now that the NHS is too serious and lacks the sort of real life fun you can find on a private island owned by the kind of billionaire that likes to sue the national health service for millions when they miss out on a contract.”

The range of ailments the ‘NHS for fun’ department will treat has been described as ambitious.

“Boris, Gove, Davis, they all need plastic surgery on their noses. Most cabinet ministers can’t fit through normal doorways now, their noses are so long. Others have burnt buttocks from pants fires.”

Damien Green has also expressed support for the measure, in the hope of receiving much needed eye treatment for a mysterious ailment that seems to strike whenever he is alone with his taxpayer funded laptop.

But what about the deputy PM? What would she seek treatment for?

“Tin man syndrome,” Handoncock advises, “she watches the Wizard of Oz constantly in the hope of learning how to get a heart. But she never makes it all the way to the end as I always turn it off because I don’t want a cure for my own cardiac condition because everything is going to plan. Here, how would you like to pay for your minor surgery today? Card or loan?”