Category: Global Britain

Great news for the North East of England today with the news from French owned car giant Nissan that production of a penny farthing will stay in the U.K. post Brexit, regardless of what size and flavour of cake the EU agree to give Theresa May.

LCD Views spoke to the Japanese ambassador yesterday, after he attended yet another meeting of heads of all major car brands with the acting prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

“Who is that individual?” he asked, with a frown, “just, what does she think she is doing?

Every decision she makes is made in the moment and reversed a moment later.

Is this really Global Britain?

Where is your political opposition?

Do you still have a functioning representative parliament?

Why is the official opposition going along with the national economic suicide plot?

Why are they not traitorously subverting the overwhelming mandate for isolation delivered on the 23rd June 2016 to make Mr Farage very happy?”

All good questions ambassador, that I am sure the BBC will interrogate fully.

“She is pursuing a policy that makes continuing to manufacture cars and almost everything else in the United Kingdom impossible, in all likelihood.

And I have to find a way to politely tell you that it is over. You are entering the era of national managed decline.”

It’s a good thing he’s not British. This sounds like treason!

“But due to the decades of fruitful union between Japanese car makers and the people of England, we will leave you with a legacy industry that best symbolises Brexit and your future.”

That’s something at least, what will it be?

“Production of a new square wheeled penny farthing will occur in the United Kingdom, so long as you agree to provide a tax incentive in the billions for it.”

So May has offered them the same deal she’s offering everyone? One she can’t afford?

“It was a curious meeting, as at one point, your prime minister got furious and ordered Nissan to keep car making in the North East on patriotic grounds.

She tried to slam the table and her fist slipped over the edge and she hit herself in the knee.”

Strong and stable.

“She then accused us of subverting the will of the people by insisting we could only run a business here if it made a profit.”

Have you seen the government’s political P/L sheet?

“Bicycle. You can have a bicycle.”

LCD Views would like to commend the automotive industry for its decision to keep manufacturing of one Victorian British classic within the United Kingdom, in good faith and trusting to the bespoke bicycling deal we will strike with our friends and partners in Europe as we forge a new, deep and special relationship.

“You realise we’re only doing this because you won’t be able to afford a car?”

Thank you Japanese ambassador.

You’re the only person who has emerged from 10 Downing Street and spoken the truth for a very long time.

What will the new penny farthing model be called?

“Le Farage.”

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

Great news for lovers of patriotic songs today with the announcement from the Ministry for Potatoes that their crop of Tory MP’s will be introducing a new bill in parliament that will make it obligatory for every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit.

“We actually wanted to make the law retrospective,” said Tumble-Trot Bum-aster, MP for Trot-Bum-on-Creem, “but we were sabotaged by some remaoner civil servants who were determined we do not break the laws of time and travel backwards any further than we already are.

And to be fair, given the result of the last vote ever needed by the United Kingdom, it seems legs are pretty easy to pull already, we just have to theme tune them.”

Also, an upside of the advice is that all true born British children will have the opportunity to learn the lyrics of the famous music hall classic in time for 10pm 29th March 2019.

“Some children have been caught singing ‘God save the EU’, which will of course be a hanging offence from 22:01, 29th March 2019.”

Further preparations will be undertaken to help right thinking British folk choose which leg is their preferred leg to be pulled.

“If you don’t use your good leg you might make a hash of the song,” Tumble-Trot says soberly,

“I use my gentleman’s personal gentleman’s leg for all songs, as a rule, so even I have to work out which leg I’m going to have pulled to play ‘God Save The Queen’.

As an MP I tend to pull my middle leg in the office.”

At this point the MP appeared to notice he was already pulling his leg and not singing.

“Excuse me. I appear to need to sing, to lead the charge, you don’t know the lyrics to ‘God Save The Queen’ do you?”

We don’t. Oh my God.

“Australian sons let us rejoice for we” No! Stop.

“Oh say, can you see the dawn’s early light” No!

”The people’s flag is deepest red”

No! Only if Labour get into power and are determined to turn Brexit into Lexit!

The lyrics will have to be learned by the time the neocon project of Brexit reaches tumescent fulfilment in 2029.

Anyone have ‘Alexa’ handy? She’ll know. We are on the wrong path but at least we’ve seen the light.

God save our gracious Queen (from the Brexiters once they get Henry VIII powers) and the rest of us…

Pull the other one, it plays Brexit bells.

The Eurocratic superstate was trembling in its boots today after Downing Street fired the first trade in a trade war by threatening to shoot itself.

“They need to know we mean business,” grumbled Kwasi Kwarteng, MP for Speltthorne, Surrey, “that they can’t just threaten to attempt to maintain a frictionless border with the United Kingdom. We won’t stand for it. We’re prepared to do what it takes to come out on top.”

It was a reassuring statement for people wondering how on earth a nation of 65M, currently sliding down the scale of world economies, is going to face off a united union of nearly half a billion people, comprising the largest trading bloc on earth.

“This is classic divide and conquer,” Kwasi added, “We’ve divided ourselves and now we invite the EU to conquer.”

It’s not certain how the obscene superstate will respond as it’s yet to finalise its plans for a EU army.

“We’ve got them on the run,” Kwarteng added, “you see this loaded shotgun, you see both barrels pointed at my feet, you see my finger sliding around the trigger? I’m prepared to pull the trigger unless…”

Unless the EU gives us the cake and eat it trade deal we’re demanding.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret though,” said the Conservative Party Brexiter, “we actually want to pull the trigger. You may not have noticed, but the people really, really keen on Brexit and Brexit of the hardest kind, are all disaster capitalists most likely working hand in glove with an ill intentioned foreign power.

I’m amazed we’ve got away with it this long. Although the complicity of the official opposition, thus far, certainly helps.”

Kwasi went on to confirm he would be appearing on all BBC outlets over the coming days because all the usual Tory MP’s shoved out for the purpose of lying through their teeth to the country are currently a bit shop soiled.

“We’ve got to get better at our set ups,” Kwarteng admitted, “Probably best to keep Jacob Rees-mogg out of the planning from now on. His little conspiracies keep blowing up in his face.”

Downing Street offered clarity this morning to the United Kingdom’s importers and exporters with the news that the United Kingdom will definitely leave both the indefinite and the definite custom’s union.

“This is the certainty we’ve been waiting for,” said a farmer standing at the border with the Republic of Ireland and about to move a herd of cows across the road, which is the border,

“now I know I have to plan for ridiculous delays, increased costs and the potential return of paramilitary violence, I feel great. Certainty means certainty.

It’s nice to know that Downing Street, and England in general, are focused on the real dangers to my living and personal safety in my future. And I’m sure they’ll pull a customs union rabbit out of the hat that keeps everyone happy anyway. They’ve still got a year or so to invent it.”

And the farmer was further encouraged by the big shift announced that once the United Kingdom is free of the tyrannical tyranny of a multinational trade dispute arbiter, individuals and businesses who believe their competitors are not playing by the agreed rules, will be able to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.

“I can’t believe our luck,” the farmer added, “to know that a proven resolver of disputes is prepared to take up the duties once performed by the ECJ is just adding further to my sense of impending doom, bankruptcy and terror. I wonder if I’ll be lucky enough to get on the show?”

Jeremy Kyle himself was not available for comment about the exciting re-direction in his carer, said to be currently undertaking a lie detector test to certify for insurers that he is not going to lie when he settles disputes.

We’re just making this up as we go along. We’re Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition.

“Jeremy Kyle means Jeremy Kyle,” said Theresa May.

 

LCD Views have taken the silken cloth off our crystal ball this morning and in it seen that Labour are in a jubilant mood after former Secretary of State for Education, Justine Greening, crossed the floor. That may not sound like the best set up, but just imagine if it happened, how much would you laugh?

”They’ve been working hard since the June 8th general election to make one crack,” Krad Nibats told LCD Views,

“Activists have been on the pavement week in and week out in any constituency where a Tory MP saw their majority cut from ‘I can vote for a return of child labour, match factories and Brexit’ to ‘omg omg omg’.”

It’s believed it was just a matter of time till one of the senior Conservative MP’s said sod this and left the party, knowing that in the coming general election they would be swept out of their seat and into the political dustbin anyway.

It’s coming. It’s coming. Beware the Ides of March.

“It’s actually been on the cards since the following scene played out in early January in the prime minister’s office,” Krad Nibats added, and handed us a couple of sheets of script.

INT. Prime Minister Theresa May’s Office – Day

A tired woman sits rigid behind a desk. She’s a husk.

She’s attempting to click her fingers in time with a grandfather clock in the corner. But she isn’t able to do it. Always a fraction late as the second hand ticks.

This is Theresa May, prime minister of the United Kingdom. Somehow.

It looks like there’s wires attached to her shoulders and arms, pulling her up towards an invisible puppet master.

A few nervous underlings pace back and forth. They stare at their phones. No one makes eye contact with anyone else.

Theresa’s desk would be an acre of empty space without the one thing placed on it.

A tarantula in a glass case.

CLOSE ON

The tarantula as it reaches lazily up the side of its tank. See those fangs. Make them huge.

Stay on the tarantula and hear the door to the office open.

                                                     Theresa

“Ah, so good of you to come Justine.”

                                                     Justine

“Skip the sweet talk Theresa. We all know why I’m here. And I’ll tell you how it’s going to go.”

PULL BACK

See Theresa transfixed. Terrified. She’s been terrified for so long now. She never knows what to do.

END SCENE

It’s coming.

News is breaking today, first on LCD Views’ and later the BBC, of the incredible gathering of birds outside parliament, as over five hundred ostriches stage a protest over chronic sand shortages.

”In all my years of broadcasting I have never witnessed a flock of birds this mad,” begins Kay Burley, with the Sky News report,

“Reports started to hit the news wires at dawn this morning of a squadron of black, white and grey birds flying low over the capital and headed for Westminster Green.”

The RAF did dispatch Tiger Moths to intercept the UFO’s, not suspecting ostriches as they have to be furious to fly, but the bi-planes we’re eaten when they made first contact. Bye planes.

”AIr raid sirens sounded across London as people stared blearily into their coffees and didn’t bother to look outside because what could possibly be worse than this current farce of a parliament?”

The next one?

The Met ordered marksmen to rush to Westminster Green, but that didn’t happen because Mark said no.

”I was one of the first on the scene, arriving just after Auntie, with a camera man and a man who wasn’t a camera, to capture the unfolding drama.”

Uncle arrived late.

”But what at first seemed like an airborne attack by a hostile force was quickly discovered to be a flock of ostriches, who had decided to bring their rage and despair at perceived injustice straight to the doors of the counrry’s law makers and oath breakers.”

They weren’t allowed inside. Health and safety PC gone mad over fears of hygiene risk.

The PC was later calmed down.

”I identified an individual who appeared to be the group’s spokesbird and asked why they were here?”

Because we’re not there, he replied.

”He told me they were flocking mad. He brandished an empty plastic bucket, such as a child would use on a beach.

It appears the birds have flocked to parliament to protest the chronic sand shortages faced by ostriches now, that on balance the country’s parliamentarians have buried their heads as a group in the sand over their harm they’re doing collectively to the UK’s interests.”

What do we want? The birds are now shouting in chorus.

We want our sand.

When do we want it?

We want it now.

”We’re not going to stand for this injustice any longer,” the spokesbird proclaimed, “at least, until we can bury our heads in the sand again.”

More on this evolving story as it unfolds.

Great news of advancing preparations for Brexit by the government today with the announcement that proper British queuing is to be taught in British schools, instead of tolerance, to better prepare tomorrow’s leaders for Brexit.

We’re not sure who is currently education secretary, it’s such a hot potato, who’d want it? So we invented a spokesman for the Department of Education.

“I’ll serve well enough,” said Bumble-UKuf, MP for Tommorow, “this is bold and imaginative planning on behalf of your government catering for the needs of your children, yesterday and the day about seventy years before yesterday.”

Under the new guidance, which must be followed by all schools but “free schools”, modules in British queuing will,

”Replace that all outmoded PC gone mad crap we’ve been shovelling down our kids throat ever since we decided wars and food rationing were bad things.

We’ll the new golden era of true British racism is being born again. No more attempting to understand and accept, to avoid inter-national conflict.

Tub thumping classes will replace music lessons shortly too, by order of your Prime Minister.”

We asked our team of education correspondents what they thought of all this?

”Do we have to wait in line and talk one at a time?” the choir returned.

Yes of course! We can see our entire platoon of education reporters will be down for remedial classes.

”I think it’s great,” A Student replied, “tolerance, respect for neighbours, sense of community, loyalty to friends, those are all provably shared values among many cultures.

But proper British queuing? That’s what we do best! We’ll show the world how queuing is done again after Brexit.”

Mostly of course for bread and if we’re lucky a nip of counterfeit schnapps.

Queue for Britain. Go on. Form an orderly line. You know you want to queue for Britian.

 

LCD Views has heard a confirmed rumour that the MP for Maidenhead, Theresa May, has writen to the chairman of the 1922 committee demanding a Tory Party leadership contest after hearing the British PM’s second class EU citizens speech.

”She was shocked, sickened a little actually,” an aide to the Maidenhead MP told us,

”the whole speech was clearly a coded play to mollify the racist, tub thumping, deluded, nostalgia freak idiots in her party who are threatening to plunge the knives in unless she starts treating anyone not born in little England like dirt.”

It’s not clear how many letters are in the drawer of the chairman’s desk demanding a leadership contest, and an attempt to replace Theresa May as party leader, but it is believed to be perilously close to the forty eight needed.

”We know the entire cabinet has written a letter each. Boris actually has written multiple ones alone. So it’s really just a matter of days now. One more screw up or u turn and it’s all go. It’s coming. Just wait.”

Theresa May herself is said to be desperate to know how many letters are there and who they are from.

”Every day she has to say something farcical in order to placate some headcase with a pen in their hand who has glared at her in a threatening way in the Commons.”

So it seems, now that Theresa May has lost the support of the MP for Maidenhead she is unlikely to see through the negotiations with the European Union?

”What negotiations? You’re just being silly. We’re not negotiating. We’re being told how and where we can go, and how fast.”

Copies of all the letters will be available to purchase from the 10 Downing Street Global Britain cafe and gift shop, after the contest occurs.

While you’re there, why not purchase a cream tea and a scone? Because we won’t be selling any of that foreign muck.

Chinese hackers successfully hacked Britain’s first talking computer today after discovering, to their amazement, that the password was just “password”.

“We truly were stunned,” one told LCD Views’ technology analyst on the condition of anonymity, “we thought this was going to be tougher than hacking Donald Trump’s twitter account. It was.”

It seems a select group of hackers, employed by the Chinese government, have been preparing for the tour of Britain’s first talking computer, nicknamed ‘the Maybot’, for weeks.

“We only found out the Maybot was going on tour a few weeks ago,” our source revealed, “that in itself was a little surprising. Such little planning for such a major event? But we have been hard at training ever since.”

It’s believed, although successful in their mission to hack inside the talking computer, which impressively can also walk, the hackers have not been able to steal anything much of interest.

“There’s a few important phrases stored. Brexit means Brexit. Breakfast means breakfast. Red, white and blue breakfast,” the source continued,

“But mostly it’s an altogether weirder experience. It took us a little while to work out what we were looking at. But we realised in the end.”

Well, what was it? What did you steal? Britain’s secrets are now already for sale on the dark web we suppose?

“No. Don’t be silly. Why would we give away what we’ve worked years to achieve?

What we found inside was a computer representation of a human mind frozen in complete terror and unable to decide between fright or flight.”

It’s believed the agent controlling the group was less than impressed by this.

“Our controller said if he wanted to know in advance what an entry for next year’s Turner Prize looked like, he wouldn’t bother, because he doesn’t want to know. Although, personally I think the whole hard drive was probably fried by the millennium bug years ago.”

Nonetheless, they’ve been ordered to go back in and keep going until they found something compromising.

“We’re not allowed out until we get something that can be used to blackmail the next British PM into letting us build another nuclear power plant, but this time inside Westminster Abbey.

Oh, there was another thing. It seems the Maybot has been told to solve only one puzzle.”

Which is?

“Can Britain use gunboat diplomacy again, after Brexit, to force the Chinese to buy drugs from Britain and give you lots of cash? We can save you the bother. The answer is no, you can’t.”