Category: Global Britain

A British woman now famous for pursuing a hard right political ideology is to publicly ask the German leader Angela Merkel today to ignore that she’s pursuing a hard right political ideology and tell the German leader she’ll take the blame when it all goes wrong.

“It’s going to go great,” one of the Maybot’s technicians told our tech correspondent.

“We’ve got the bugs out of the speech algorithm so we don’t expect Maybot to cough at any point.”

But what about letters falling down during her speech?

“Oh, we have been really careful to make sure no Conservative cabinet MP’s are involved in the set design over in Munich,” the technician reassures,

“so there shouldn’t be any of that. Besides, this is Germany, they will have double checked it a few times and not just thrown it up in a rush before getting back to the free bar.”

Plans to just have Theresa shout “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? I AM LOOKING FOR THE AUTOBAHN TO BREXIT” over and over were binned when it was revealed that Merkel knows exactly where the road ends and is going to do her best not to publicly embarrass May by mentioning it in public.

“I think the best touch is the flourish where our prime minister tells the German leader not to let political ideology get in the way of security, when it’s our prime minister’s newly adopted hard right political ideology that is the one which is putting people’s security in question.

It’s a doubly nice twist when you consider what happened the last time hard right political ideology was allowed to flourish unchecked across Europe. Coming from us it will make an impression.

And it’s the sort of inherent contradiction we love in the UK these days.

We reckon it’ll confuse the flying spaghetti monster out of the Germans, who are actually very logical, don’t you know? It’s part of divide and conquer. We’ve a history of being very good at it.”

And what new catchphrases will May reveal today to help solidify German support for Brexit?

”There’s a real sense the German people have united behind Brexit and are determined to make a success of it.”

Anything about Russia?

”Yes, we will warn the Germans that they will have trouble doing exactly what the Kremlin wants to weaken security in Europe if they don’t help us make a success of Brexit.

We’re going to build a way, don’t you know? That should go down well.

And we want the Germans to pay for it.”

And to end?

“The autobahn to Brexit has no speed limit, so strap in, strap on and let’s make a success of it.”

LCD views raided our piggy bank and sent our investigative reporter, I P Standing, on an undercover mission to the Pillars of Hercules.

In modern parlance, the rock of Gibraltar.

As money was tight the planned hitchhiking adventure with a Spanish lorry driver will have to wait until another day. Probably a good thing, as the driver claimed to know Damien Green MP from a file sharing website.

“Sometimes I’d blush,” the driver says, “why would a senior British politician contact me from the houses of parliament? Why always in working hours?”

Gibraltar, the online gaming capital of Europe, there are more betting companies here than there are ships in the Royal Navy.

Ladbrokes, Bet365, drawn by the lucrative cash breaks Gibraltar can offer, the online betting business has thrived on a rock famous for monkey business.

“I was curious to find the address of the betting company used when my credit card was scammed in the Bristol Marriot,” I P said in his report,

“Whilst purusing the streets I found the address of the GoSpanky.com, the insurance website owned by Arron Spanks, the notorious roof lead thief and backer of Leave. EU.

Hidden behind the brass plaque it read Bet365, so that explains the piece in the Paradise Papers.

I decided I needed to go to the top and blagged my way into the Mayor’s office.

By chance I was in luck, as a former Miss World contestant was sitting in the sun having a coffee and drying the paint on her toes.

Like any good investigative journalist, I first cut off her means of escape.

I was very polite and asked her three questions:

1) Is it true they are going to change Winston Churchill Avenue to Arron Spanks Avenue?

2) Are they building swanky new apartments for hedge fund managers?

3) That from March 2019 everyone will have to revert to driving on the left?

My mistake was not to realise that the coffee cup was full and upon my last question, as she took a sip, the contents was splurted all over my nice clean white t-shirt.

“You damn fool,” she snapped, “hedge fund managers never drive on the left.”

Julian Assange was reportedly up late last night and celebrating after his gumtree roomshare ad got another bite.

”He’s really happy with himself,” our Ecuadorean embassy insider said, “you’d think he’d won the lottery. But I guess when you don’t get out much having someone move into your room with you is nice.”

It seems the international raconteur was forced to advertise for a room mate after the embassy informed him they were increasing his rent.

“It’s hard for us having him stay for so long. When we moved the brooms into the kitchen corridor it was supposed to be a temporary measure, but here we are, years later. So we’ve increased his rent.

He doesn’t actually have access to money so his rent is calculated by how much internet access we allow him each week to talk to his controller. Decreasing his internet access by two hours hit him really hard.”

It’s believed Mr Assange hopes that when his new friend moves in he will have money in his pocket and thus be able to give the embassy some pounds sterling, and this will return the two extra hours he’s had to ‘pay’.

“He’s pretty lucky to land such a big fish,” the insider continued,

“His new room mate’s expense budget is a bottom less pit. And the line in Julian’s ad ‘great place to hide when it all hits the fan’ was very attractive.”

Other advantages are of course, his room mate may come and go through the week.

“He’ll be able to take Assange’s letters out for him. When I say letters, I mean the wads of toilet paper he scrawls on with the lemon juice he steals from the kitchen when he thinks no one is watching. Apparently you can write ‘like a real spy’ if you use lemon juice.”

But what about his new room mate’s apparent love of the sauce?

“Oh, that won’t be a problem if you ask Julian. He’s been distilling what he calls ‘sanctuary vodka’ from his wee for years.

I suspect they’ll get on so well the entirety of DExEU will be moving in to the embassy before too long.

That way they won’t have to release anymore documents to anyone. The whole Brexit process can be placed under diplomatic immunity until it goes away. It would be the sensible thing to do.”

Honest broker and all round friend of the people Boris Johnson is to argue today Brexit is liberal if you forget how many racists love it.

In a move that will shock his critics, the minister of state, often regarded as liberal with the truth, will break from long held tradition and come clean.

”Let’s be clear, the will of the people must be obeyed,” Johnson will argue with the strength of a willy of the people suffering from sporadic erectile dysfunction.

”Many times throughout the last century of history in the first half of the twentieth century on the continental landmass of Europe we saw the result of obeying the will of the people and just imagine if mob populism had been betrayed?”

Indeed.

”Whether you voted to leave the gaggle of democracies that have lately enshrined so many rights for people in shared law it makes a neocon’s eyes bleed for that lost percent of profit, or you voted to stand against the rise of nationalism and the chaos and carnage it has always led to, it’s time to unite behind Nigel Farage’s vision of our future.”

This was best evoked when Nigel mirrored Nazi propaganda during the EU ref campaign.

”All of Britain now will join with one heart to shout go home at anyone who looks like they may not be English, which includes shouting at Scots, and say to the world, trust us, trade with us, ignore that we will do whatever makes Rupert Murdoch feel powerful in the autumn of his life.”

He will then say pifflefaffle and something about smiles for the remainder of the speech before lifting hearts by reminding all,

”Brexit is a liberal project,” saluting with a flattened hand raised high, “if you are a racist.”

Rumours were swirling on the back pages of the terminally ill red tops today that the Russian oligarch owner of an English premier league team is considering changing manager.

The problem appears to be ongoing differences over strategy. We asked our only sports correspondent for more.

”It’s to do with the unceasing run of score draws. You don’t spend billions on sponsorship and coaching and media strategy just to watch 0-0 week in and week out.

Not to mention the endless bans for accumulated red cards being handed down to players that cost millions a week to the British economy.”

All that aside, the team is still top of the league.

”But that’s because the only current team capable of mounting a challenge keeps its best players on the bench each week and fields ten defenders and the goalkeeper.”

So the worry is if the challlenger gets a new manager first, one with aggressive strategy, the inherent weaknesses will be exposed?

”Think about last time they played? The winner scraped over the line 1-0 in extra time, in spite of being down to eight men.

All their best players are currently out injured.

They’re having to field a team largely composed of people near retirement who play with anger alone. Their youth squad can’t recruit. It’s a joke.

Any rising stars they do have tend to get caught out in betting scandals.

Like the one who got caught attempting to funnel team secrets to a foreign military’s team. Wtf?

It’s a complete shambles. You tell me how they’re managing to scrape draws every game?

They should be smashed down to the bottom of the league and unable to escape relegation.”

Presumably the manager’s stated intention to pull out of the Champion’s League in Europe and focus on the domestic league must be causing trouble too?

”Actually no. That’s the one area of strategy where the manager and the Russian oligarch owner completely align.”

Great news for lovers of visionaries with the announcement that Boris Johnson MP is giving his big Brexit speech on Valentine’s Day as he’s hoping to screw everyone, again.

It’s believed the government has requisitioned the set of ‘Have I Got News For You’ for the event, as that was when “the people really loved Boris the most”.

We spoke to an aide to Mr Johnson to find out more about the preparations for his new word salad.

”Hand me that hose?” Pris Oner, junior minister, FCO asked,

“I’ve been helping Johnson rewrite his speech again and I’m just covered in it. Would you mind turning around?”

Our reporter duly turned around and the interview was conducted with backs turned.

”Your lot are for it, you know?” Pris said.

How so?

”The Home Office is setting up a Ministry of New Truths. You’ll have to submit headlines for scrutiny before writing. You’ll probably find most come back with some minor alterations in the focus.”

We’ll worry about that in 2019. What’s going to be in Johnson’s big Brexit speech?

”Mostly it will be about how Brexit has actually increased international cooperation. It’s a force for liberal good. It will lead to a new, deeper relationship between Britons and the EU. There won’t be any mention of Nazanin!”

So full of inherent contradictions and an attempt to baffle with bullshit?

”Not at all. Think about it. Regulators are moving to the continent. The agricultural sector has set up outposts in Poland and China. Service indistries are flowing across the channel.”

How is that a good thing?

”That’s the problem with you doom merchants. You lack the ability to see the nuances. This is the United Kingdom deepening its involvement with the whole world, by way of giving them jobs.”

But that’s to our detriment.

”It burnishes our reputation for giving! You need to get behind it! Especially if you need to pack up your desk so it can move to the mainland. Shoulder to the wheel time.”

I don’t think people losing their jobs in a time of uncertainty will see it that way.

”Get a bigger heart. Get a heart like Boris. All valves and chambers full of love and concern.”

Who for?

”Boris mostly. And fit young fillies! Ha! Think of Brexit job losses as aiding international development.

Now, hand me that towel and some cue tips.

I think I’ve got some of his best bits about British liberal values being engorged by telling 27 other countries to sod off stuck in my ears.”

What will you get Boris Johnson for Valentine’s Day?

Global Britain 2.0 publishing house has launched the exciting and new “Bob the Brexiter” series to teach reception age children about cannibalism and how to survive in near future Britain.

Our education supplement editor, Rosie Searchlight, spoke to the head of Global Britain 2.0 publishers to find out more about this mad development.

“Fanfannyfantastiloosic!” Chief editor of kid’s books, Mr Johnson Johnson, told Rosie,

“When the aaaaa, esteemed and much cherished Department for Edu-edumacation asked us to work hand in glove with the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots to devise, design and ultimately launch like a comet into a field jam packed with giant reptlies, the Bob the Brexiter series, we couldn’t wait to get our big fingers into that pie and rip chunks out and smear them over our cheeks like a toddler faced with a bag of chocolates.”

Great to see such enthusiasm for going forward. Whose actual concept was it?

“Well, it’s a little intentionally derivative. We studied the plots of USA neocon financial long cons, the trickle down lark, we mixed in some of the shame the institutions that are the foundations of democratic politics, really run them down over time, so you can take control, bit of that stuff, and then we slammed a whole help of ‘Lord of the Flies’ in for good measure. It’s bloody good fun.”

But what about early reports from some parents that their children have started crying midway through reading the first “Bob the Brexiter” book, seemingly having confused it with a long running series where a competent team of professionals overcome obstacles to construct something worthwhile?

“Fibble fabble. All children. Absolutely every single mite who has gotten one of the first editions in their hands has got to the end and thrown up in excitement.”

That’s reassuring.

“And thanks to our colleagues at the Department for Health for organising the coming promotional tour of all schools when Nadine, from the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots, will be along to give away sensibly priced signed copies to everyone present.

She’ll also be asking everyone to join a WhatsApp group with her, because apparently, even though she helped write them, she doesn’t quite understand the books.

It actually got a bit sticky. But she convinced herself that if something is too complex for you to understand you should throw it out. Kind of like the concept of brain surgery. Just put it in the can because you personally don’t get it.

Now that’s the way to design a future for all our happy little readers!”

Get your copy today! But be careful when you read it. Those recipes featured at the end of each chapter will come in handy one day!

 

Great news for the North East of England today with the news from French owned car giant Nissan that production of a penny farthing will stay in the U.K. post Brexit, regardless of what size and flavour of cake the EU agree to give Theresa May.

LCD Views spoke to the Japanese ambassador yesterday, after he attended yet another meeting of heads of all major car brands with the acting prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

“Who is that individual?” he asked, with a frown, “just, what does she think she is doing?

Every decision she makes is made in the moment and reversed a moment later.

Is this really Global Britain?

Where is your political opposition?

Do you still have a functioning representative parliament?

Why is the official opposition going along with the national economic suicide plot?

Why are they not traitorously subverting the overwhelming mandate for isolation delivered on the 23rd June 2016 to make Mr Farage very happy?”

All good questions ambassador, that I am sure the BBC will interrogate fully.

“She is pursuing a policy that makes continuing to manufacture cars and almost everything else in the United Kingdom impossible, in all likelihood.

And I have to find a way to politely tell you that it is over. You are entering the era of national managed decline.”

It’s a good thing he’s not British. This sounds like treason!

“But due to the decades of fruitful union between Japanese car makers and the people of England, we will leave you with a legacy industry that best symbolises Brexit and your future.”

That’s something at least, what will it be?

“Production of a new square wheeled penny farthing will occur in the United Kingdom, so long as you agree to provide a tax incentive in the billions for it.”

So May has offered them the same deal she’s offering everyone? One she can’t afford?

“It was a curious meeting, as at one point, your prime minister got furious and ordered Nissan to keep car making in the North East on patriotic grounds.

She tried to slam the table and her fist slipped over the edge and she hit herself in the knee.”

Strong and stable.

“She then accused us of subverting the will of the people by insisting we could only run a business here if it made a profit.”

Have you seen the government’s political P/L sheet?

“Bicycle. You can have a bicycle.”

LCD Views would like to commend the automotive industry for its decision to keep manufacturing of one Victorian British classic within the United Kingdom, in good faith and trusting to the bespoke bicycling deal we will strike with our friends and partners in Europe as we forge a new, deep and special relationship.

“You realise we’re only doing this because you won’t be able to afford a car?”

Thank you Japanese ambassador.

You’re the only person who has emerged from 10 Downing Street and spoken the truth for a very long time.

What will the new penny farthing model be called?

“Le Farage.”

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

Great news for lovers of patriotic songs today with the announcement from the Ministry for Potatoes that their crop of Tory MP’s will be introducing a new bill in parliament that will make it obligatory for every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit.

“We actually wanted to make the law retrospective,” said Tumble-Trot Bum-aster, MP for Trot-Bum-on-Creem, “but we were sabotaged by some remaoner civil servants who were determined we do not break the laws of time and travel backwards any further than we already are.

And to be fair, given the result of the last vote ever needed by the United Kingdom, it seems legs are pretty easy to pull already, we just have to theme tune them.”

Also, an upside of the advice is that all true born British children will have the opportunity to learn the lyrics of the famous music hall classic in time for 10pm 29th March 2019.

“Some children have been caught singing ‘God save the EU’, which will of course be a hanging offence from 22:01, 29th March 2019.”

Further preparations will be undertaken to help right thinking British folk choose which leg is their preferred leg to be pulled.

“If you don’t use your good leg you might make a hash of the song,” Tumble-Trot says soberly,

“I use my gentleman’s personal gentleman’s leg for all songs, as a rule, so even I have to work out which leg I’m going to have pulled to play ‘God Save The Queen’.

As an MP I tend to pull my middle leg in the office.”

At this point the MP appeared to notice he was already pulling his leg and not singing.

“Excuse me. I appear to need to sing, to lead the charge, you don’t know the lyrics to ‘God Save The Queen’ do you?”

We don’t. Oh my God.

“Australian sons let us rejoice for we” No! Stop.

“Oh say, can you see the dawn’s early light” No!

”The people’s flag is deepest red”

No! Only if Labour get into power and are determined to turn Brexit into Lexit!

The lyrics will have to be learned by the time the neocon project of Brexit reaches tumescent fulfilment in 2029.

Anyone have ‘Alexa’ handy? She’ll know. We are on the wrong path but at least we’ve seen the light.

God save our gracious Queen (from the Brexiters once they get Henry VIII powers) and the rest of us…

Pull the other one, it plays Brexit bells.