Category: Global Britain

Liam Fox had been further than the moon flying in business class at taxpayer’s expense by April of 2017, heaven only knows how much he’s spent to make Britain global again. We thought it was time to send a correspondent along to see just how it goes when Doctor goes.

The phone rang. I let it ring… do I pick it up? it’s bound to be a PPI sales pitch, should I resist? I give in………

“Hi I P, it’s Trevor Bourne here, from the Department of International Trade, do you remember me?”

“Hi Trevor, yes, you helped me with that container import of blow-up dolls from China, and all that tariff and VAT quagmire I had to wade through. Shame the bloody things all had pinholes in them, I stood to make a financial killing. That’s the last time I import anything from China! Anyways, what can I do for you Trev?”

“Liam Fox is organising a trade mission to Kazakhstan and the DIT (supported by EU funding) have been tasked to find importers and exporters to accompany him on the trip. I can offer you a £1000 DIT grant to cover your costs and we can use it in Astana for a bit of entertainment, Just fill in the form asap and I can get you on the trip. We will fly out of the RAF base at Northolt.”

On the plane there was enough leg room for a giraffe and the champagne flowed.

“Liam’s been spending DIT money like confetti,” Trevor whispered to me, “it’s his own personal plane, given to him by Theresa, he’s going to put THE film on now, just go with it and please don’t ask any questions.”

Film! Excellent, I have been looking forward to seeing Black Panther.

But instead we had to sit through the resignation speeches of David Cameron and Nigel Farage both edited together, and when the credits rolled I could see Liam giggling in the front row.

An hour out of Astana Liam Fox, minister for International Trade, stood up (on a chair) before us.

“Right chaps this it, we are going in and we are going to win this trade deal, so help me God. TM, JRM, IDS, BJ, and MG are depending upon us to come back with something they can sell to the British right wing press….tally ho!”

We arrived at Astana airport and the full government greeting was laid on to welcome the British trade mission. The Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev (Naza to his friends) led Liam off to inspect the two rows of camels.

At the British Embassy we were all told what, or what not, to say, and for some reason I was asked to go with Liam to sit in on the negotiations.

“We have oil,” said Naza. “What do you have, Fantastic Mr Fox?”

“Well, we have Japanese cars made by British workers,” said Fox.

“We get them already from Japan,” replied Naza.

“Well, we have Barbour coats with leather elbow patches!”

“We have them already! They come from the rip off clothing factories in India!”

I could see Liam was getting desperate. Looking around something struck me that was missing.

“We have flowers!” I blurted out. “Yes, we have anemones, millions of them, with a beautiful scent, which would be perfect to decorate all your palaces.”

“Done!” said Naza. “Send me your anemones and we have the beginning of a trade deal.”

I thought Liam did a little skip, as he shook my hand.

On the journey home I asked Trevor how it was all going in the DIT?

He looked crestfallen.

“To be honest I P, it’s been a bloody nightmare. Before Brexit we knew exactly what things would cost because we had the book of EU tariffs and therefore could be concise about our global sales opportunities and markets.

Now, we have to make it up on the hoof as we have no idea what tariffs or duties to charge for anything, just promises allied to hope. It’s like we have gone from a strong flowing exporting river to a meandering stream, and Brexit is akin to one of those oxbow lakes, cut off from the mainstream.”

Upon landing back at Northolt, Liam jumped into the waiting government car and hot-tailed to No. 10.

“He’ll be off to tell Theresa the good news about the anemones,” said Trevor. “He’ll go in through the back door, there are quite a few government Brexit ministers metaphorically using Theresa’s back door recently.”

Getting what they can, while they can, before they all get out.

LCD Views can report on great new cost saving methods by the visionary Conservative administration in Westminster with the plan to mine D. Hannan’s head and heart for the rock and stone needed to construct the revitalised hard border between NI and the Republic of Ireland.

“He actually volunteered,” customs post designer (and Brexiter), E E Jit told LCD,

“he phoned Theresa May up personally and instead of giving her his usual hour long diatribe on how soft she is on the disabled, he made the offer, and then lectured her about building workhouses for the undeserving poor after.”

It’s encouraging news, as Brexit is expected to lead to little spare cash in the future.

“It’s very timely,” E E Jit continued, “right now I’m secretly drawing up the plans to just f*ck everyone in Northern Ireland and the Republic sideways and hope we can blame it on the EU for the intransigence regarding international law.”

It appears Owen Patterson, more famous for once exporting a lamb chop via sea mail is part of the design team.

“Owen is great. He’s coming up with nifty new ways to sell the concept of a return to paramilitary violence to the British public.

He’s suggested the GFA has outlived its usefulness, but I think he’s drawing too much on his own experience there. He needs a little distance.

That said, his plan to replace it with the Selfish Saturday Agreement has some legitimacy.”

But what about people who are concerned that Daniel may suffer if he gives too much of his heart? Just for customs officers to hang about in cute little huts until they get mortared?

“Hannan is medically unique.

He’s borderline sociopathic in personality, probably. Talk to anyone who’s had to deal with him and they will tell you the air gets very cold very fast.

But this means he really commits to humanitarian causes he cares about.

Such as destabilising the lives of millions of people on racial grounds, and all in the service of tax havens! He’s basically a reptile that survived the comet that wiped out the other giant lizards.”

Mining of Hannan’s heart is already underway and the hot mantle inside his chest is expected to produce as much stone, via violent emotive eruptions, as is needed.

“Combine the rocks in his head with the ones rattling about old Owen’s empathy free walking corpse and I’d say you’ve just the right amount of material needed to piss away decades of progress.”

Which will be nice.

Interested parties are advised it’s possible to sponsor a ‘Hannan Brick’, but only if you’ve prepared to vomit bile all over the GFA.

As a side note, someone please locate our official opposition party to oppose Brexit before our pubs start blowing up again, anytime soon would be nice.

We have all heard Jacob and his daily chant in TV interviews of cheap food, clothing and footwear for Britain post brexit. So we decided to send I P Standing over to meet Jacob at his favourite Westminster tea room for more detail.

He managed to grab 10mins with the Moggster  over an earl grey, before Jacob had to get all powdered up for his next exclusive and filed the following report.

“Jacob”, I asked, “where do you buy your food? ”

“I get a hamper from Harrods delivered once a week. Great big basket filled with items bearing the Queens crest. If it’s good enough for her majesty it’s good enough for me. Any family who manages their budget can easily do the same.”

A frown did crease his brow momentarily.

“Although I have noticed a marked increase in price recently. I called El Fayad to ask why. He told me that he had to import the baskets from India and since the referendum and the fall in the pound, the cost has rocketed. He assured me the contents were legit and he hadn’t been fiddling with the labels.

I save all the labels for reuse when marking my staff, before I let them in the field for exercise.”

I next asked Jacob had he ever heard of Asda, Aldi or better still, Lidl?

” No,” he replied, “although my wife has shopped once in Waitrose. Like being in a cattle market she said to me… never again! ”

I said, “Asda, Aldi and Lidl offer some of the cheapest food in Europe!”

“They sound foreign, I don’t do foreign,” replied Jacob, “well, unless it’s an emerging market with a sensible approach to rule of law.”

Fair enuff.

“Clothing what about clothing? ”

“I get my suits from Saville row. I have one for every day of the week and I have my name tag sewn into the collar, JRM.

It reminds me of school and the fun we used to have in the dormitories. When the other boys would hide my silk satin jim jams.”

“Jim jams?” I asked.

“Pyjamas, the boys, Cameron and Johnson used hide them behind the gin and tonic vending machine. But I’d always find them because they had my name tag sewn in them. Well, my man would find them. But that’s the same thing.”

“Shirts what about shirts?” I asked.

“Shirts from my tailor, usually with a thin pin stripe….. although at weekends at home I wear one of those photocopier salesman ones. You know, blue with a thin white pin stripe and a white collar and white cuffs. It makes me feel………. dangerous.”

And ties?

“I like to wear a military style, something with a pretend insignia or coloured regimental stripe. I like to keep in tight with the military, you never know when I might need them post brexit. Always be prepared, that’s my family motto, always be prepared to order low born chaps to lay down their lives.”

“Jacob, have you ever heard of Matalan, H&M or better still Primark?” I asked, “You can buy trousers in there for a tenner and a couple of shirts for less than that. They have some of the cheapest clothes in Europe.”

“Matalan, H&M and Primark sounds like a group of invading vikings,” said Jacob. He looked a bit flushed.

“Well what about footwear, where do you buy your shoes?”

“I have a cobbler in Cheltenham he makes superb handmade brogues. Although he recently said he would have to increase his price as the leather is imported from Spain, and due to the weak pound he couldn’t hold his prices down. He also asked if I would settle my previous invoice? All in good time my man, all in good time.”

“Is there a good time to buy shoes?” I asked, thinking shoes maybe an emerging market.

“I always go when the Cheltenham national hunt festival is on. I like to be surrounded by all those Irish priests betting the sum of their annual church collections on the horses.

I like to be around like minded Catholics. Over the winnings we sup a Guinness and revel about anti abortion, anti gay and anti contraception. I feel so at home with them in that week in March.”

“Have you ever heard of Clarkes?

“No, what’s a clark?” replied Jacob.

“They are in Street, Somerset I think they are in your parliamentary constituency, they make shoes.”

“Shoes you say?”

“Yes shoes at very reasonable prices, all styles, you can even get brogues with a rubber sole.”

“I’m not wearing rubber soled shoes, dear boy, who do you think I am, Ian Duncan Smith? Creeping around the corridors of Westminster?

I only wear leather soles so people can hear me coming as I stride over the stone floors of Westminster.”

“Well thank you Jacob for sparing the time,” I said, touching the forelock and seeing in the buff shine of his shoes the future of Brexit Britain.

“I understand now why you would think Britain needs cheaper food, clothing and footwear.”

“Never attribute something to malice which can adequately be explained by stupidity,” the EU has responded with a German proverb to May’s call not to put political ideology first in negotiations.

“We’ve been having a lot of trouble deciding if they [Torykippers] are thick as mince, solely greed driven or actually a combination of both and taking the piss,” Angela Merkel told LCD Views, “we know now.”

Angela Merkel was speaking after British Primed Minister, Theresa May, gave a rousing speech to a packed hall of European leaders in Munich, Germany, yesterday.

“The tickets for this event sold like hot cakes,” Merkel added, “everyone thought here comes one of the hottest properties in British stand up comedy for many years, right here to where we live.

How exciting! Everyone knows only British people laugh. We were hoping to learn a few things.”

But it seems the crowd were at first despondent as the gig got underway and then just upset with May.

“She is pursuing a political ideology first and foremost, given that every single reason put forward for Brexit has been demolished, largely by her own ministers, what else is she doing? And she tries to switch it and accuse us?

She’s going to look pretty bloody funny in a few months time when we tell Scotland it can stay in the EU if it votes to leave the UK before the end of a transition period.

I’ll give you some divide and conquer.”

Indeed.

“And then to suggest that it will be our fault if we can’t agree new arrangements post Brexit on security cooperation? When she is taking orders from proof Victorians invented time travel and Arlene Foster? What the actual?”

And May’s best lines only made things worse.

“Those who threaten our security would like nothing more than to see us fractured.”

“Your prime minister actually said that right here in Germany to all the of the EU. She is doing the bidding of teenagers in bot farms in the Balkans, is she just really dumb or a wind up merchant?”

Asked for a response to the scathing critical review of her act, Ms May released the following statement,

“At least I didn’t mention the war. Do you know how hard it is for a Brexiter to not mention the war?”

Well, all that proves is that she’s not really a Brexiter at heart, even though she has the right amount of xenophobia in her little Englander bones.

May’s season on the EU circuit is expected to continue until the curtain falls in spite of poor ticket sales. She’s already writing her next show too, titled, ‘I did not! You did to!’, which is aimed at the Conservative Party conference circuit.

 

A British woman now famous for pursuing a hard right political ideology is to publicly ask the German leader Angela Merkel today to ignore that she’s pursuing a hard right political ideology and tell the German leader she’ll take the blame when it all goes wrong.

“It’s going to go great,” one of the Maybot’s technicians told our tech correspondent.

“We’ve got the bugs out of the speech algorithm so we don’t expect Maybot to cough at any point.”

But what about letters falling down during her speech?

“Oh, we have been really careful to make sure no Conservative cabinet MP’s are involved in the set design over in Munich,” the technician reassures,

“so there shouldn’t be any of that. Besides, this is Germany, they will have double checked it a few times and not just thrown it up in a rush before getting back to the free bar.”

Plans to just have Theresa shout “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? I AM LOOKING FOR THE AUTOBAHN TO BREXIT” over and over were binned when it was revealed that Merkel knows exactly where the road ends and is going to do her best not to publicly embarrass May by mentioning it in public.

“I think the best touch is the flourish where our prime minister tells the German leader not to let political ideology get in the way of security, when it’s our prime minister’s newly adopted hard right political ideology that is the one which is putting people’s security in question.

It’s a doubly nice twist when you consider what happened the last time hard right political ideology was allowed to flourish unchecked across Europe. Coming from us it will make an impression.

And it’s the sort of inherent contradiction we love in the UK these days.

We reckon it’ll confuse the flying spaghetti monster out of the Germans, who are actually very logical, don’t you know? It’s part of divide and conquer. We’ve a history of being very good at it.”

And what new catchphrases will May reveal today to help solidify German support for Brexit?

”There’s a real sense the German people have united behind Brexit and are determined to make a success of it.”

Anything about Russia?

”Yes, we will warn the Germans that they will have trouble doing exactly what the Kremlin wants to weaken security in Europe if they don’t help us make a success of Brexit.

We’re going to build a way, don’t you know? That should go down well.

And we want the Germans to pay for it.”

And to end?

“The autobahn to Brexit has no speed limit, so strap in, strap on and let’s make a success of it.”

LCD views raided our piggy bank and sent our investigative reporter, I P Standing, on an undercover mission to the Pillars of Hercules.

In modern parlance, the rock of Gibraltar.

As money was tight the planned hitchhiking adventure with a Spanish lorry driver will have to wait until another day. Probably a good thing, as the driver claimed to know Damien Green MP from a file sharing website.

“Sometimes I’d blush,” the driver says, “why would a senior British politician contact me from the houses of parliament? Why always in working hours?”

Gibraltar, the online gaming capital of Europe, there are more betting companies here than there are ships in the Royal Navy.

Ladbrokes, Bet365, drawn by the lucrative cash breaks Gibraltar can offer, the online betting business has thrived on a rock famous for monkey business.

“I was curious to find the address of the betting company used when my credit card was scammed in the Bristol Marriot,” I P said in his report,

“Whilst purusing the streets I found the address of the GoSpanky.com, the insurance website owned by Arron Spanks, the notorious roof lead thief and backer of Leave. EU.

Hidden behind the brass plaque it read Bet365, so that explains the piece in the Paradise Papers.

I decided I needed to go to the top and blagged my way into the Mayor’s office.

By chance I was in luck, as a former Miss World contestant was sitting in the sun having a coffee and drying the paint on her toes.

Like any good investigative journalist, I first cut off her means of escape.

I was very polite and asked her three questions:

1) Is it true they are going to change Winston Churchill Avenue to Arron Spanks Avenue?

2) Are they building swanky new apartments for hedge fund managers?

3) That from March 2019 everyone will have to revert to driving on the left?

My mistake was not to realise that the coffee cup was full and upon my last question, as she took a sip, the contents was splurted all over my nice clean white t-shirt.

“You damn fool,” she snapped, “hedge fund managers never drive on the left.”

Julian Assange was reportedly up late last night and celebrating after his gumtree roomshare ad got another bite.

”He’s really happy with himself,” our Ecuadorean embassy insider said, “you’d think he’d won the lottery. But I guess when you don’t get out much having someone move into your room with you is nice.”

It seems the international raconteur was forced to advertise for a room mate after the embassy informed him they were increasing his rent.

“It’s hard for us having him stay for so long. When we moved the brooms into the kitchen corridor it was supposed to be a temporary measure, but here we are, years later. So we’ve increased his rent.

He doesn’t actually have access to money so his rent is calculated by how much internet access we allow him each week to talk to his controller. Decreasing his internet access by two hours hit him really hard.”

It’s believed Mr Assange hopes that when his new friend moves in he will have money in his pocket and thus be able to give the embassy some pounds sterling, and this will return the two extra hours he’s had to ‘pay’.

“He’s pretty lucky to land such a big fish,” the insider continued,

“His new room mate’s expense budget is a bottom less pit. And the line in Julian’s ad ‘great place to hide when it all hits the fan’ was very attractive.”

Other advantages are of course, his room mate may come and go through the week.

“He’ll be able to take Assange’s letters out for him. When I say letters, I mean the wads of toilet paper he scrawls on with the lemon juice he steals from the kitchen when he thinks no one is watching. Apparently you can write ‘like a real spy’ if you use lemon juice.”

But what about his new room mate’s apparent love of the sauce?

“Oh, that won’t be a problem if you ask Julian. He’s been distilling what he calls ‘sanctuary vodka’ from his wee for years.

I suspect they’ll get on so well the entirety of DExEU will be moving in to the embassy before too long.

That way they won’t have to release anymore documents to anyone. The whole Brexit process can be placed under diplomatic immunity until it goes away. It would be the sensible thing to do.”

Honest broker and all round friend of the people Boris Johnson is to argue today Brexit is liberal if you forget how many racists love it.

In a move that will shock his critics, the minister of state, often regarded as liberal with the truth, will break from long held tradition and come clean.

”Let’s be clear, the will of the people must be obeyed,” Johnson will argue with the strength of a willy of the people suffering from sporadic erectile dysfunction.

”Many times throughout the last century of history in the first half of the twentieth century on the continental landmass of Europe we saw the result of obeying the will of the people and just imagine if mob populism had been betrayed?”

Indeed.

”Whether you voted to leave the gaggle of democracies that have lately enshrined so many rights for people in shared law it makes a neocon’s eyes bleed for that lost percent of profit, or you voted to stand against the rise of nationalism and the chaos and carnage it has always led to, it’s time to unite behind Nigel Farage’s vision of our future.”

This was best evoked when Nigel mirrored Nazi propaganda during the EU ref campaign.

”All of Britain now will join with one heart to shout go home at anyone who looks like they may not be English, which includes shouting at Scots, and say to the world, trust us, trade with us, ignore that we will do whatever makes Rupert Murdoch feel powerful in the autumn of his life.”

He will then say pifflefaffle and something about smiles for the remainder of the speech before lifting hearts by reminding all,

”Brexit is a liberal project,” saluting with a flattened hand raised high, “if you are a racist.”

Rumours were swirling on the back pages of the terminally ill red tops today that the Russian oligarch owner of an English premier league team is considering changing manager.

The problem appears to be ongoing differences over strategy. We asked our only sports correspondent for more.

”It’s to do with the unceasing run of score draws. You don’t spend billions on sponsorship and coaching and media strategy just to watch 0-0 week in and week out.

Not to mention the endless bans for accumulated red cards being handed down to players that cost millions a week to the British economy.”

All that aside, the team is still top of the league.

”But that’s because the only current team capable of mounting a challenge keeps its best players on the bench each week and fields ten defenders and the goalkeeper.”

So the worry is if the challlenger gets a new manager first, one with aggressive strategy, the inherent weaknesses will be exposed?

”Think about last time they played? The winner scraped over the line 1-0 in extra time, in spite of being down to eight men.

All their best players are currently out injured.

They’re having to field a team largely composed of people near retirement who play with anger alone. Their youth squad can’t recruit. It’s a joke.

Any rising stars they do have tend to get caught out in betting scandals.

Like the one who got caught attempting to funnel team secrets to a foreign military’s team. Wtf?

It’s a complete shambles. You tell me how they’re managing to scrape draws every game?

They should be smashed down to the bottom of the league and unable to escape relegation.”

Presumably the manager’s stated intention to pull out of the Champion’s League in Europe and focus on the domestic league must be causing trouble too?

”Actually no. That’s the one area of strategy where the manager and the Russian oligarch owner completely align.”

Great news for lovers of visionaries with the announcement that Boris Johnson MP is giving his big Brexit speech on Valentine’s Day as he’s hoping to screw everyone, again.

It’s believed the government has requisitioned the set of ‘Have I Got News For You’ for the event, as that was when “the people really loved Boris the most”.

We spoke to an aide to Mr Johnson to find out more about the preparations for his new word salad.

”Hand me that hose?” Pris Oner, junior minister, FCO asked,

“I’ve been helping Johnson rewrite his speech again and I’m just covered in it. Would you mind turning around?”

Our reporter duly turned around and the interview was conducted with backs turned.

”Your lot are for it, you know?” Pris said.

How so?

”The Home Office is setting up a Ministry of New Truths. You’ll have to submit headlines for scrutiny before writing. You’ll probably find most come back with some minor alterations in the focus.”

We’ll worry about that in 2019. What’s going to be in Johnson’s big Brexit speech?

”Mostly it will be about how Brexit has actually increased international cooperation. It’s a force for liberal good. It will lead to a new, deeper relationship between Britons and the EU. There won’t be any mention of Nazanin!”

So full of inherent contradictions and an attempt to baffle with bullshit?

”Not at all. Think about it. Regulators are moving to the continent. The agricultural sector has set up outposts in Poland and China. Service indistries are flowing across the channel.”

How is that a good thing?

”That’s the problem with you doom merchants. You lack the ability to see the nuances. This is the United Kingdom deepening its involvement with the whole world, by way of giving them jobs.”

But that’s to our detriment.

”It burnishes our reputation for giving! You need to get behind it! Especially if you need to pack up your desk so it can move to the mainland. Shoulder to the wheel time.”

I don’t think people losing their jobs in a time of uncertainty will see it that way.

”Get a bigger heart. Get a heart like Boris. All valves and chambers full of love and concern.”

Who for?

”Boris mostly. And fit young fillies! Ha! Think of Brexit job losses as aiding international development.

Now, hand me that towel and some cue tips.

I think I’ve got some of his best bits about British liberal values being engorged by telling 27 other countries to sod off stuck in my ears.”

What will you get Boris Johnson for Valentine’s Day?