Category: Global Britain

LCD Views can report with breathless excitement that British prime minister, Theresa May, is to play to her weaknesses tomorrow when she gives another in a series of visionary speeches about Brexit.

“She’s going to talk about what she wants from the negotiations with the EU,” A Dalek, speechwriter for the PM told us, “and she’s going to not talk about what she wants from the negotiations with the EU.”

Is this because what she wants is clearly insane?

“Well, put it this way, have you seen all the videos of her campaigning for Remain in the referendum, and explaining rationally all the foreseeable negative consequences of voting to Leave?”

Yes. They keep getting shared on social media.

“That’s unfortunate. Theresa is increasingly baffled and desperate for a magic bullet solution. Theresa will urge the British people to unite behind a shared sense of amnesia tomorrow.”

So what weaknesses will she play to?

“Oxymoronic catchphrases are a definite.”

Exactly.

“An ability to appear overly emotional when dealing with subjects that are having a serious negative impact on people’s lives.”

I’m not sure that’s accurate?

“Traitor.”

Is this how we’re doing things now?

“Are you undemocratically attempting to have an ongoing political discussion on the ramifications of getting a decision wrong that will last for generations, and is based on a narrow win in an arguably gerrymandered advisory referendum designed solely for internal Tory party politics?”

Yes. It’s called democracy.

“It’s called treason. I bet you question Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit also?”

I do. But we’re talking about Theresa baffled May here.

“So you’re a class traitor yellow Tory who can be blamed for the pandemic of rough sleeping too. How’s your conscience?”

Very good. I believe I am doing the best I can to protect my children and their future by campaigning to keep the UK in the EU.

“You’ll be one of the first against the wall then.”

Is all this going in the speech tomorrow?

“Don’t be silly. These aren’t catchphrases. They’re just the nasty underbelly of Brexit and what will happen to our society if we go through with it. Just like what happens every time a hard right, ideological blind, nightmarish coup takes over a democracy.”

That’s reassuring.

“That’s more like it. You’ll get plenty more reassurance tomorrow too. As well as finally hearing what sort of deal Theresa actually wants with the EU.”

Omg! Really? What is it?

“It’s a nod and a wink kind of deal. Nothing in writing. Like the one from last December that got us to the next stage. You remember it, it was celebrated orgiastically by the tabloids.”

But the EU wrote it down.

“That’s because they’re bullies who are attempting to divide and conquer and annex regions of the UK. We won’t allow that. We’re going to do that to ourselves.”

I’m hoping for some new catchphrases to mock?

“Oh, you’ll get those too. That’s one of Theresa May’s strengths.”

A legal firm acting on behalf of the Met Office has confirmed today that they have received a writ detailing a court action against them, regarding their use of the term “Beast from the East”.

It is claimed that this was the alias used by a retired WWWF wrestler whose glittering, sweaty career spanned 40 years. The ex-wrestler is said to want,

“a share of all associated advertising revenue streams and royalties from anyone using the term.”

The Russian retiree, now living in Romford, notably won a string of tub-thumping bouts during the Autumn of 1983. He was briefly crowned champion when he took the title from The Crazy Cowboy, a showdown that carried considerable political symbolism during the Cold War years.

This isn’t the first time the Met office’s use of frivolous and patronising names for dangerous weather systems has got them mired in controversy.

They were also subject to legal action when they were forced to subtly change the name of a North African tropical weather system to “the Grumble from the Jungle” during a particularly oppressive heat wave in the notorious summer of 2003.

In other news, Vladimir Putin has commented on the case saying the term is a disgraceful example of cultural appropriation and Russophobic in nature.

He is said to have told British envoys to expect hordes of ruthless barbarian warriors riding upon the wind, to descend upon London and besiege the gates of the Met office building.

More on this breaking storm of controversy as it happens.

Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, has been found in a central London alleyway crumbled in defeat after losing a fight with a packet of crisps.

LCD sent our roaming reporter, Gary Lineker, down to the scene to find out as much as possible and to make up the rest.

“Even as I stand in the freshly fallen snow of central London near Leicester Square, I can see a scene before me that fills the mind with a mixture of bafflement and wonder.

Liam Fox, somehow an MP still, after resigning in disgrace from the position of Secretary of State for Hiding Friends Behind Curtains (aka Defence), is being shifted onto a stretcher.

The crisps he fought for his country are believed to have been a packet of Walkers, maybe Salt and Vinegar, perhaps Bugle cones, witnesses are being sought.

But from what I have gathered from speaking to people who claimed to have seen the drama occur, I can say little Liam gave the regular-tory less than 110%,

EXT    LONDON ALLEYWAY   DAWN

A shifty looking, short man with a briefcase stands at the entrance to a dark alleyway. This is Liam Fox.

A curtain hangs on the wall to his side. Movement behind it tells us someone is hiding behind.

The sun breaks over the building behind Liam and throws light through his steamy breath.

Liam Fox

“Wait for my signal. If he tries anything you run at him waving your arms and screaming.”

CLOSE ON

The curtain. A hand comes out of the side to give the thumbs up.

PULL BACK

Liam advances into the alley, the golden light of dawn running ahead of his steps.

He stops.

We hear rustling sounds. Crunching noises. A giant is stepping through the alley snow.

CLOSE ON

Liam’s face. The face of fury.

CLOSER STILL

His eyes. Just voids.

PULL BACK

Liam Fox

“I’ve got what you asked for.”

Silence, except for the sound of a giant bag of crisps rustling itself up.

Liam Fox

“Have you got the cash?”

No reply still.

Liam clutches his briefcase to his chest. He looks uncertain.

He begins to back pedal. Fear spreads across his face like butter on a bread roll in business class.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

He starts to walk backwards faster.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

CLOSE ON

The curtain.

See the furtive figure (we don’t see his face) dash out from behind and leg it out of the alleyway, and gone.

Liam Fox holds the briefcase over his head.

The crunching of the crisp giant grows louder and louder.

Liam’s shaking arms raise his briefcase over his head, even as he falls to his knees in the snow.

Liam Fox

“I am Liam Fox. Secretary of State for International Trade and you will give me a free trade deal.”

A shadow looms over Liam and a giant crisp packet begins to laugh menacingly.

END SCENE

 

 

LCD Views has received a leaked summary of the recent census of La La Land and it reveals a boom in population that runs contrary to many recent population trends in industrialised countries.

”The big counter trend is that the population boom is a result of mental procreation,” our demographics specialist says,

“people aren’t moving to live in La La Land seeking new opportunities and bringing La La culture, but the resident population is doing this themselves by establishing a parallel universe next to people who refuse to move in with them.

In fact, it’s likely the population boom may discourage inward flows of migration.”

While anyone living in La La Land finds it a perfectly suitable place to live, academics who are not from the university of life are raising concerns.

”The government of La La Land has no bloody idea what it’s doing and while they may appear smug and self assured, they’re storing up massive problems for non la la land.”

One of the other issues relate to people who actually use Google to find facts.

”This is a serious and troubling concern for the minority of reason based inhabitants. It can lead to awareness of a looming loss of rights and growing economic calamity.

Especially as La La Land is not a country based on geography, but a bug eyed, swivelled headed idiocy that finds rabble rousing bigoted chancers presenting inherently racist agendas as perfectly acceptable, if it plays into their mortal fears represented as a sense of nostalgia the inhabitants of La La Land can’t be bothered to identify and combat with honest introspection.”

But what do you do if you find yourself surrounded by La La Land when you want to live elsewhere?

”You can leave. Many choose to. Or you can continue making the argument that living in La La Land is foolish and irresponsible.

Curiously, many La La Lands are actually democracies, so you can continue to make counter arguments even after idiotic decisions have been taken by governments, and if you can convince enough people to leave La La Land then you will succeed.”

But what if you don’t succeed?

“Then you’ll find yourself living in an Idiocracy and that’s never good. Except for people happy in La La Land as ignorance is apparently bliss.”

 

Jacob Rees-mogg MP is to tell an increasingly hungry nation today that, “Poverty is wealth” in his first major intervention as the newly created Secretary of State for Abundance.

”Home is where the heart is,” he is also expected to say, to allay concerns over the little pandemic of homelessness,

“people who are not prepared to open their doors and larders to those who have made a conscious decision to be less fortunate are not best positioned to harangue an overstretched public purse with pleas to assist the vocationally roofless.”

The speech will hopefully provide a welcome distraction from a government which is so busy accepting plaudits for its work over the last several years, that it’s having trouble communicating its deeply thought out policy agenda.

”U turn is straight ahead,” Jacob will continue from the steps of his modest one hundred room mansion, “1984 is 2018, but 2019 will still be 1984. Tax break is incentive. Rising cost of living is investment in your future.”

Other pearls are anticipated to be on display in a showcase of antique jewellery set beside the average working man.

A man who risen through his own hard work, while overcoming the numerous deprivations of his birth. Proving accident of birth is no barrier to advancement.

”Ladder is ceiling. Discord is unity. Famine is a meal for the spirit, and if you are wealthy with famine you have all the sustenance you need.”

He will also add that debt is equity and horses are for courses.

Enquiries as to what policy agenda he will set for his new ministry were met with an encouraging to do list.

”Once Jacob has freed the United Kingdom from the overweening shackles of the tyranny of parliamentary democracies across the Channel he will set to work on, Serfdom is freedom, to revise the labour market with fresh thinking.”

And finally, he will finish his debut speech today by reminding the country that “War is peace.”

The authorities in Westminster, London, are bracing themselves for a clean up job that may appear endless as another giant fudgeberg is emerging on the waters of the Thames.

“Here we go again,” a fed up London Port Authority worker told LCD, “the guys that have to go down into the sewers and clean out fatbergs, they don’t know how easy they have it! We had the mother of all fudgebergs before Christmas and now they’re saying son of fudgeberg has emerged!”

It appears the giant fudge, which has the potential to kill as readily as its mother, not only over the issue of the Irish border, is made up by a combination of the looming Brexit position speeches planned in the coming week by both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“If these politicians had to clean the giant floaters out of the Thames themselves, maybe they’d think twice before creating these bloody things? I’m supposed to be counting herons up stream at Richmond, but I’ve been drafted in and told to grab a spoon and a bucket,” the worker continued.

But how concerned should the general public be?

“Very! Don’t go near it. If you see a piece washed up on the foreshore at low tide, do not touch it. Don’t let your dog eat it. If your child accidentally ingests a piece you need to get their stomach pumped right away. Anyone who has actually digested Brexit fudge has become a drooling idiot who believes the BBC is still impartial on politics.”

But surely the experience the Port Authority has now in clearing fudgebergs should have lead to efficiencies in the clean up process by now?

“Do you want to get down here and pick up a spoon? It’s smelly work. It gets on your clothes and eats into the fabric. It’s just a nasty job.”

LCD Views would like to state how much we value and appreciate the work of the Port Authority men and women who are routinely called upon to clean up the results of the fudged thinking of leading politicians too cynical to tell the voting public exactly what they’re after.

“Oh, hang on. Apparently the meeting at Chequers last night birthed a giant Boris turd that has been flushed into the river too.

And now that McDonnell’s interview in The New European has been digested by the masses we’re expecting a bloody unicorn splashing about endangering shipping any minute. I’ve got to go.”

We will tell your children you love them. Stay strong. Our lives are in your hands and on your spoon.

The first Big Brexit Benefit has been revealed. Our Glorious Leader, Theresa May, has announced that a potentially lucrative trade deal has been struck with Uranus.

Although details are naturally sketchy, this is a triumph for May and the Trade Secretary, Liam Fox. We will no doubt, in time, become better acquainted with the products of Uranus.

“Global Britain means Global Britain!” gushed Brexit advocate R. Slicker. “It’s one in the eye for the EU. This is out of this world!”

Slicker could not put flesh on the bones of the deal. “Early days, early days,” he chided. “I am not privy to the whole agreement. I assume that Uranus produces, well, Uranium I suppose. The nuclear summer is round the corner.”

Liam Fox was in celebratory mood. “This is, I believe, the first such interplanetary deal in the world!” he announced at a hastily-called press briefing. “It has the added benefit of enabling me to fly to Uranus to finesse the deals. I am thinking of re-naming air miles air parsecs!”

Fox did not reveal the cost of his space hops, but assured the faithful hacks that Britain would benefit in the long term. “I am also on the brink of securing trade rights with Pluto,” he revealed, before berating the International Astronomical Union for downgrading Pluto’s status to a ‘dwarf planet’. “It means that I can no longer fly business class to Pluto. Britain deserves better!”

EU representative Claude Feete was on hand to admit defeat. “I’ll tell Liam Fox where to stick it!” he exclaimed. “He can stick it up Uranus!”

Something lost in translation there, we suspect.

We tried to contact representatives from Uranus for comment. Unfortunately, neither the Pigs Of Uranus nor the Pink Fairies managed to make any kind of coherent sound.

This certainly isn’t a bad deal. It will be a roaring success, because as we all know, no deal is better than a bad deal.

A man who hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing is to explain today that post Brexit Britain won’t be entirely a cannibalism based diet.

“It will be better to think of it as an aggressive hunter and gathering type society,” David Davis, Secretary of State for Exiting the EU, will reassure, “a traditional British lifestyle. Approximately 10,000 BC.”

This has raised the hopes of ancient animal fanciers that Brexit Britain will also mean a return of the mammoth?

“It’s possible,” Davis will assert, “why not? As I understand it Theresa May is in the process of setting up a year long review into bringing back the mammoth, in order to provide variety in the meat based diet post Brexit.”

It’s understand the motivation is not only to give people something to hunt, other than people, but,

“Hunting a large and dangerous woolly animal will show Britons working together in a way we haven’t done since we joined the EU in 1933. I understand PETA has got their knickers in a twist over plans to wear fur again, but there’s always extremists.”

It would also be a boon to tourism operators who are understood to be made nervous with the expected extinction of any air based travel methods to and from the UK in spring 2019.

Although there will still be food drops, so long as the transition agreement can agree on the wording with Barnier.

“This is just sensible planning on behalf of Her Majesty’s Government,” Davis will waffle on, “Although it’s important everyone able bodied does their bit. I advise you to not burn wood now.

You should save it for after Brexit. Sharpened stakes and cooking fires will light up the landscape. And scavenge whatever scrap steel you can now.

You never how prised it maybe once roaming hordes of hoodies are ravaging the landscape in search of an easy meal on a mobility scooter.”

David Davis MP will reassure a collection of European business leaders and politicians in Vienna later today that Brexit won’t be a Mad Max style dystopia, it’ll be like The Shining and the twins will be Theresa Mays.

“He’s going to soothe the nervous flock,” One half of David Davis’ brain told LCD Views, while the other half wandered aimlessly, looking for a drink.

“Look, all these fears that we’re going to slash and burn rights and regulations in the service of greed, leading to a dystopia lifted from Mad Max are just plain wrong.

Firstly because we genuinely haven’t planned much other than just “action operation wrecking ball”.

But for those people who are nervous I want to reassure them by asking a question.”

Go on.

“Have you read ‘The Shining’ by Stephen King? Because it’s going to be much more like that after Brexit. Very personal. Not this crazed tearing about the desert business. We won’t be able to afford the fuel for that anyway.”

Whether or this will relax the mood in Vienna and bring the Austrians on side, we will have to wait and see.

Presumably the vision of David Davis as Jack Torrance, trapped in a high mountain resort closed for winter, slowly going insane as he just can’t get the final Brexit impact assessment written, while his family watches with increasing anxiety, and then terror, before attempting escape, will at least prove that Davis and other Brexiters have a clear vision of the future.

“And don’t let anyone tell you I’m not prepared for questions today. If anyone asks me who Theresa May is in my dream of the UK’s future, I will answer honestly.”

The twins are Theresa Mays, unable to escape the nightmare and now committed merely to terrifying everyone else.

Liam Fox had been further than the moon flying in business class at taxpayer’s expense by April of 2017, heaven only knows how much he’s spent to make Britain global again. We thought it was time to send a correspondent along to see just how it goes when Doctor goes.

The phone rang. I let it ring… do I pick it up? it’s bound to be a PPI sales pitch, should I resist? I give in………

“Hi I P, it’s Trevor Bourne here, from the Department of International Trade, do you remember me?”

“Hi Trevor, yes, you helped me with that container import of blow-up dolls from China, and all that tariff and VAT quagmire I had to wade through. Shame the bloody things all had pinholes in them, I stood to make a financial killing. That’s the last time I import anything from China! Anyways, what can I do for you Trev?”

“Liam Fox is organising a trade mission to Kazakhstan and the DIT (supported by EU funding) have been tasked to find importers and exporters to accompany him on the trip. I can offer you a £1000 DIT grant to cover your costs and we can use it in Astana for a bit of entertainment, Just fill in the form asap and I can get you on the trip. We will fly out of the RAF base at Northolt.”

On the plane there was enough leg room for a giraffe and the champagne flowed.

“Liam’s been spending DIT money like confetti,” Trevor whispered to me, “it’s his own personal plane, given to him by Theresa, he’s going to put THE film on now, just go with it and please don’t ask any questions.”

Film! Excellent, I have been looking forward to seeing Black Panther.

But instead we had to sit through the resignation speeches of David Cameron and Nigel Farage both edited together, and when the credits rolled I could see Liam giggling in the front row.

An hour out of Astana Liam Fox, minister for International Trade, stood up (on a chair) before us.

“Right chaps this it, we are going in and we are going to win this trade deal, so help me God. TM, JRM, IDS, BJ, and MG are depending upon us to come back with something they can sell to the British right wing press….tally ho!”

We arrived at Astana airport and the full government greeting was laid on to welcome the British trade mission. The Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev (Naza to his friends) led Liam off to inspect the two rows of camels.

At the British Embassy we were all told what, or what not, to say, and for some reason I was asked to go with Liam to sit in on the negotiations.

“We have oil,” said Naza. “What do you have, Fantastic Mr Fox?”

“Well, we have Japanese cars made by British workers,” said Fox.

“We get them already from Japan,” replied Naza.

“Well, we have Barbour coats with leather elbow patches!”

“We have them already! They come from the rip off clothing factories in India!”

I could see Liam was getting desperate. Looking around something struck me that was missing.

“We have flowers!” I blurted out. “Yes, we have anemones, millions of them, with a beautiful scent, which would be perfect to decorate all your palaces.”

“Done!” said Naza. “Send me your anemones and we have the beginning of a trade deal.”

I thought Liam did a little skip, as he shook my hand.

On the journey home I asked Trevor how it was all going in the DIT?

He looked crestfallen.

“To be honest I P, it’s been a bloody nightmare. Before Brexit we knew exactly what things would cost because we had the book of EU tariffs and therefore could be concise about our global sales opportunities and markets.

Now, we have to make it up on the hoof as we have no idea what tariffs or duties to charge for anything, just promises allied to hope. It’s like we have gone from a strong flowing exporting river to a meandering stream, and Brexit is akin to one of those oxbow lakes, cut off from the mainstream.”

Upon landing back at Northolt, Liam jumped into the waiting government car and hot-tailed to No. 10.

“He’ll be off to tell Theresa the good news about the anemones,” said Trevor. “He’ll go in through the back door, there are quite a few government Brexit ministers metaphorically using Theresa’s back door recently.”

Getting what they can, while they can, before they all get out.