Category: Global Britain

Home Secretary Amber Rudd, MP for Bottled Up, has gotten out her big ministerial paddle and slapped the Football Association around the ears today while shouting “YOU ARE NOW THE SOCCER ASSOCIATION”, repeatedly.

”It’s just one of the many tangible benefits of Brexit,” Mr Adobe Onfire, junior minister at the Home Office, told LCD Views,

“as we prepare for a future in which we bend over backwards and forwards to ensure the success of our special friend Donald’s four-four-twenty-two MAGA regime, our national institutions need to evolve.

We expect everyone, most especially the Soccer Association, to give a minimum of 110% to the many changes coming down the line. And everyone is to damn well start thanking God after every conceivable setback.”

It’s believed that by eradicating the world “football” whenever we actually mean “soccer” in our national discourse, Brexitannia will be better placed to strike trade deals that are exceptionally lucrative for the US.

”These deals can be after Brexit, or maybe even before Brexit,” Adobe says, “depending on how many active brain cells Liam Fox has on the day he’s asked to opine on the progress his department is making.”

Changes will be made to the format of soccer games too.

”Cheerleaders. An absolute bucket of them. Dancing and twirling with those little skirts and probably some branded batons.

’Starspangled Spanner’ will be sung by a celebrity before the first pitch in a soccer game.

Goals are now home runs.

And injury time is to be replaced by a drone strike on a middle eastern country.

Penalty shoot outs replaced by multi-ball shoot out bonanzas with bonus points for injuries sustained.

And of course commentary will only be given by old men on toilets tweeting aggressively. It’s got to be max entertainment with super tasty, massive hormone pumped, fried chicken breasts to eat.”

Further exciting changes are expected in other iconic British sports.

”Cricket is going to be called Crickets and games only played in quarters and there must be a winner now.

Cups of tea will be replaced by mugs of coffee, regardless of the age of the drinker (sorry octogenarians) and pavements become sidewalks. It’ll all help show we mean to let Trump do his business on us.”

LCD Views commends the swift play by the Home Secretary in best preparing the United Kingdom for independence from the tyrannical group of parliamentary democracies who for too long have conceded to all our whimsical ways.

We will say it’s a bit curious, changing foot-ball to soccer though, as it’s one word that is already descriptive, in the American way, but we commend this statement to the house anyway. We look forward to the first multi-ball, powerplay madness in the premier league, sponsored by MaxMaxMax CheeseWarehouse – They’ve got the CheeseCheeseDistractingWarCheeseBurgle for You!

The Department for Education has issued a directive today stating that the Suez Crisis is to be referred to officially from now on as the Suez Success, to prepare the United Kingdom for Brexit, from school children up.

”We wouldn’t have triumphed at Suez without the steadfast support of our American allies who rallied the UN to our cause,” S Panker, junior minister at the department said, “it’s just a shame the same can’t be said of the French.”

In addition to the correction of history which “for too long has been viewed in a negative light”, schoolchildren will also be invited to tell their teachers if their parents misunderstand modern British history.

”Say a child is told by their parents that the Suez Success was in fact a crisis, well, Brexit Britain’s government needs to hear about this so the parent can be guided gently back to the right path.”

Gentle guidance may involve unexpected trips to the dentist and time off work.

But why start with the impressionable minds of schoolchildren?

Surely it would just be better to have the BBC produce a serious of re-educational documentaries fronted by John Humphrys, and repeat them as nauseum until everyone has corrected their misunderstandings about the Suez Success?

”We at the Department for Education, working with our colleagues across government, believe it’s best to reshape young minds first.”

Whats your reasoning?

”It’s quite obvious,” S Panker said, “they’re the ones who are going to inherit the mess of the Brexit Success.”

Downing Street has burnished its reputation brighter with the world of big, medium and small businesses by announcing patriot medallions for any business which goes bust for Brexit.

“It’s exciting isn’t it?” an aide to the prime minister asked us, “aren’t you excited? Business keep sending these excitable types in to see us demanding clarity. Well, here’s a clarity bomb for you so huge, it will probably wipe out life on Mars.”

We can barely contain ourselves. We have to say.

We’re delaying production of, “Brexit recipes : updated edition now including recipes for cooking only patriotic feelings and cabbage”, so we can include an image of a patriot medallion on the cover.

“See how easy it is to get behind the flag when you have faith?” the aide asked, “If you can’t afford the ink you use to print LCD Views, which we understand is derived from Saiga antelope milk and imported from Carpathia, due to a further devaluation in sterling, and you go bust, you’ll get a shiny medallion you can wear on a ribbon that definitely won’t fray day one!”

The aide went on to say that the right ribbon was being sourced as a matter of urgency for government, as well as putting out to tender the £500M contract to determine which patriotic figure from the United Kingdom’s glorious past will be featured on the observe of the medallion.

“Definitely an English one,” the aide nodded, “I can tell you that for nothing, which is unusual, I’m normally very expensive. But if you can think of anyone not from England who has ever done anything worthwhile, I’d like to hear about it.”

So all is in hand for Brexit?

“Yes. When Nissan choose to stay, when Airbus chooses to stay, when those soft fruit producers who can’t get fruit pickers choose to stay, as everyone will choose to stay, they’ll get a medallion when they have to shutter up due to the financial calamity that will be a successful Brexit.”

Jacob Rees-mogg will present the medallions, hopefully?

“Him and Boris together. It should be a very nice ceremony. It will cost enough.”

But what about people who lose their jobs when the jobs go to the EU27 countries, or the business collapses having exhausted even payday loan lenders?

“They’ll get stickers!” the aide smiled, “we’re already handing those out now. We have been for over a year. It’s a stickers first Brexit and there is no way in hell you can tell me it isn’t worth it.”

 

British foreign secretary Boris Johnson is to take the stage again to empiresplain to India why they should trade more with us than France.

“It’s straightforward fombledozzle logic,” Mini Boris, aide to the foreign secretary, told LCD Views, “these foreign chaps have forgotten who rules the sub-continent. Headings changed on some official documents, but the sun did not set on the British Empire.”

It was good to have that explained, even if Mini Boris did speak rather loud and slowly. We supposed it was to make sure we got it.

“Who has the Kho-i-Noor after all? Ask yourself that!

India is a country whose economy is developing, do you understand dear?

But our economy is simply huge. Dazzling. Almost the biggest economy on earth. This means people will want to trade with us. They will be in a rush to trade with us. We are very impressive. They are learning how to do things. We can help teach them how people give us something and we give them a lot less.

If they won’t give us something we round up all the energetic, rickets ridden chaps from the slums we can, slap a red coat on their back, some cardboard shoes on the feet and give them a rifle. This is called international trade, Global Britain style. What what!”

It’s believed the foreign secretary will make his pitch for India to give us all its treasure, but none of his people, very soon in order to outflank French president Macron’s play for a $118 billion trade deal.

”The French lost India to us the first time and they’ll bally well lose it this round too,” Mini Boris boasted, “you don’t go supplicant, ragged Gallic beret in hand to the subcontinent, you tell them who is boss. They respect that about Brits. You see France had an empire, but we still have an empire.”

Boris Johnson will also play heavily on the easy and smooth transition after World War Two to a symbolic Indian administration of the British overseas territory, believing Modhi needs pulling back into line.

”Theresa May has already sent a shiver up their spines,” Mini Boris adds, “when she flew out there to impress upon the subject state that Global Britain Empire 2.0 is going to take all of their loot again, and you just take your pesky students straight back home to the red fort once they’ve shelled out all their dosh in good old Blighty.

Theresa is especially distrustful of people who look like they weren’t born in an English shire.

Unless, and this is important, unless they have lots of money. She can swallow some of her unease then, long enough to force the Queen to soft power the bejewelled shirts off their backs. This is Brexit.

Even old Corbs is getting into the swing of it, presenting less than 0.2% of the workforce of the UK, those posted worker bees, as some sort of foreign devil come to steal an honest englishman’s horses!”

LCD Views commends the fast and forward thinking approach of our government to what could otherwise turn into a full scale revolt in one of Britain’s most important overseas provinces.

“Got to keep the French out of things, you see? They think they’re being clever, running about the globe, reversing our patronising, deluded and subtly racist offers with open handed ones. But we’re playing the long game. That’s because our blood is cooler.

You see the French tend to get carried away by their passions. They think they’re stealing all the good stuff we’re turfing away like rotten fruit. But we’ll see who comes out on top in the long run.

Australia, Canada, China, we’re having your goodies too and you’ll be damn well chuffed with some RP, a stiff undercurrent of xenophobia and a laminated book about the Queen in exchange.

This is what trade is about you see, you give us something and we give you something less in return. You’ll soon get the hang of it.”

Tally ho!

 

Great news for the city of London today with the exciting announcement that famous tax funded aviator Liam Fox MP is to publicly list his accumulated air miles.

“We’re just cock-a-hoop,” Philip Maay, a trader who manages a small, non-tax paying, private, very private indeed, fund told LCD Views.

“This takes the pressure caused by Brexit right off the city. Forget the constant job losses.

Recently we’ve been forcing the Royals to entertain Saudi princes so thick and so fast they were starting to talk about a merger between the families. May have taken some smooth PR to sell it to the public, but think of all the money? Oil oil oil money. Mmmm.

It seemed the only solution for the Windsors, to both wave at poor people and do their bit as ‘soft power’ with tyrants.

It’s a key royal activity that. Talking executioners into throwing great mountains of blood money into the capital. Sometimes they even have to play polo sober. It’s a hell of a sacrifice for the country.

But plucky Liam has played a blinder with this one. Ever since he was given charge of the white elephant Department for International Trade, he’s invested heavily using public funds into air miles. Really canny stuff. Business class all the way.

People said he had nothing to show for it? Well, look here now! This is going to be one bull of a market.”

The value of stocks listed on the LSE is expected to triple, perhaps even quadruple the instant the listing goes live.

There is no fear of a crash in value either, the rising cost of air travel for British citizens caused by Brexit calamities will mean the air miles hold their value, never stop accumulating and are likely to be a boom unseen in modern times.

LCD Views commends Liam Fox MP for his vision and courage in helping to provide a contingency for the fiscal future of the United Kingdom.

God only knows what shape the country’s finances would be in if Liam Fox MP had never been involved spending millions.

Break open your rainy day money and pile it in the moment Liam Fox’s air miles go live!

The crown  prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed bin Salman met with British Prime Minister Arlene Foster at 10 Downing Street earlier today to talk about how many bombs he would like to buy to continue peacekeeping efforts in Yemen.

”They also talked about religious fundamentalism,” our Downing Street correspondent reveals, “with the Saudi Prince gently encouraging Ms Foster to perhaps update her knowledge of when the world was made and how.”

Other issues covered were democratic reform, again the crown prince did his best to steer the British PM away from her traditional notions of how to conduct parliamentary democracy, to something more twenty first century.

Although neither could keep a straight face when the subject of blackmail came up.

Enquiries why Mohammed bin Salman choose to meet with Arlene Foster, and not her subordinate Theresa May, as initially scheduled, were met with a brisk reply.

”The Prince doesn’t waste his time making small talk with petty functionaries. He talks with the seat of power.”

It’s hoped the British trip will make the prince swoon and promise to bankroll Britain post Brexit, so long as we don’t quibble about all the death stuff.

The meeting followed an earlier breakfast with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace.

Reports suggest the prince struggled to hide his disdain for the little “city crash pad” and its lack of a functioning execution block.

”How do you rule if you don’t chop off heads?” he is said to have asked in bemusement, but the Queen just smiled wistfully while Prince Charles muttered in a corner.

”It’s believed the Queen did ask the crown prince to convey a personal message to the British PM on her behalf.”

Which was?

”She is believed to have said ‘one has already gotten one’s EU flag hat out once, to make one’s views on Brexit plain,” our correspondent says, “one doesn’t expect to have to do it again’.”

LCD Views has another scoop today after the reassurance we are the only global news organisation to have received the leaked U.K. draft guidelines for EU trade negotiations. We can tell you now that they reveal there are only two written words in the entire one thousand page document, “wing” and “it”.

We must confess to being shocked anything had been written down, but just as excited to have the scoop.

“We had to produce a fat document,” the whistleblower from DExEU explained, “the EU is always slapping these bloody phonebooks down on the table full of words, charts, numbers, projections, legal nonsense. It’s a bit daunting for David Davis.”

This is because David Davis has a unique way of negotiating, that serves very well for internal Tory Party politics?

“Yes. He gets insecure colleagues so drunk they’ll start to gossip. Once he has what he needs he says, ‘I’m just ducking to the chapel to alleviate the bursting mains’, and saunters off into the night.”

So why isn’t this tried and tested strategy working with Barnier and Junker, Tusk and the like?

“They can hold their liquor. Especially Junker. Fearsome. Never accept one of his wagers based on a drinking contest! You’d have to be insane. He’ll have the shirt off your back,” our insider says, “no, David Davis can’t use his only strategy, even if he could match them glass for glass.”

Why not?

“Because they aren’t concerned about his ability to influence their career trajectory. He can bluff and bluster all he likes, but he’s got nothing on them.

Actually, with Brexit, the entire UK can’t touch anyone of course.

You wait until we have our sovereignty that we never lost back, and start getting screwed over at the WTO by little countries no one has ever heard of, but who have not forgotten Empire 1.0. Brexit is just the beginning of the end, and it’s going to take a very, very long time.”

Well now he’s armed with a negotiating strategy he’ll be able to match them. He’ll be able to force Nissan and Airbus and the rest to stay in the United Kingdom after Brexit.

“I suspect those companies will make decisions based on where they can pick enough cherries to actually stay in business,” our whistler shrugs, “but at least now Davis has a tried and tested strategy he’ll be able to make it up as he goes along for the rest of the negotiations.”

So no change here then. And this was supposed to be a scoop! Let’s keep calling it one anyway. LCD Views advises Davis to go for the drinking contest! At least then he’ll be playing to his one strength.

 

Downing Street has moved to smooth ruffled feathers today with the reassuring news that they are in negotiations with Southern Rail to replace the ‘Open Skies’ agreement between the EU-US with a rail replacement bus service.

“There is absolutely nothing to worry about,” transport minister Chris Grayling said, “British planes will still fly after Brexit, they just may not fly very far.”

Under the scheme being negotiated between the UK government and Southern Rail, scheduled “aviation events” will be cancelled or delayed at the last minute to “bring some of the excitement of modern rail travel in an industrialised country to the mile high club”.

“It’s mostly about getting the language right to sell it to the flying public,” Grayling continued,

“what do you call it when you pull the United Kingdom out of a marriage in its fifth decade, with all the planning usually given to planning a morning walk of shame after pulling while drunk?

You don’t plan that walk until you have to do it, at least that’s what I’ve heard. Why should Brexit be any different?”

Grayling went on to illuminate (first time for everything) that you did it by quickly glancing at Wikipedia and ignoring “the bores in the civil service and their endless piles of tedious paper covered in strange symbols.”

But what does the aviation industry think of the looming loss of the EU-US Open Skies agreement, imperilled by the shamble-funicular that is the governing Con-Lab supply and demand agreement at Westminster?

“We’re bloody terrified! What do you expect? We have to know what we’re doing at least a year in advance or we can’t sell tickets. We need to know by the end of March. Time is fast running out for the U.K.,” an aviation representative said,

“The UK doesn’t know what it’s doing tomorrow, let alone the minute after the country’s engines drop off and it plummets headfirst into the mountainside that is currently life after Brexit.

And that mountainside, it’s heavily forested, and that forest, it’s on fire!

Adopt the position they advise you to when in a plane that’s crashing? Good luck with that!”

So worse than leaves on the line?

“Look. In public we’re making polite, slightly strained little noises like every industry.

We don’t want to appear to publicly interfere with the democratic process, while privately we lobby the hell out of the democratic process of course.

But behind closed doors we’re shouting in rage and incomprehension at these complete and utter idiots who are crashing the UK.

And do you know what the say in response, in private, your government ministers?

They tell us it’s our patriotic duty to make a success of Brexit. It’s eyewateringly insane.

Labour are no different.

They just smile serenely at us while they daydream about nationalising the production of platitudes.

We’re planning how to cut the UK out of our future. As much as we can.

Just look what’s happening with the Irish ferries, that’s your heads up pal.”

We asked Chris Grayling for a comeback to the aviation representative’s statement, but he couldn’t talk again, as he was busy having lunch with the CEO of Southern Rail, while they finalised how to get a bus to fly.

LCD Views advises everyone not to panic and to trust in the overwhelming mandate delivered by the British people on the 23rd June 1816 to colonise the world and build a new empire by staying at home.

Brexiters are presumably pleased at the potential of the U.K. crashing out of Open Skies, because in many ways it made travel over borders much easier. So at least someone can be happy.

Fantastic Mr Fox has declared himself ‘relaxed’ about the possibility of a trans-Pacific trade war. This is widely believed to be because he has no comprehension of how international trade operates.

Fox was far too ‘relaxed’ to speak to us, so his associate Ed Lesschicken explained matters. “This is all happening outside Britain, isn’t it?” he demanded. “So the Boss couldn’t care less, right?”

We explained that, if Donald Trump levied a 25% tariff on steel imports, that China could well respond in kind, and prices could escalate worldwide.

“This is why we are doing Brexit,” said Lesschicken. “It’s a massive display of strength and confidence which will break down barriers across the globe. Global Britain means Global Britain! China and the USA will be begging us for our steel.”

But Margaret Thatcher closed down the UK’s steel industry decades ago.

“Yeah, that’s because they were run by trade unions,” responded Lesschicken. “Ideology has always been far more important than practical matters.”

Despite Lesschicken’s assertion, Fox has been jet-setting around the globe trying to secure trade deals, or at least schmoozing and boozing. Britain’s prospects are so bright, he has even been wooing shithole countries like China. He has accumulated at least 290,000 air miles in the process. His department’s motto is Fly Me To The Moon.

 

This page has previously exposed Liam Fox’s improbable attempts to do trade deals with the ultimate shithole country, Uranus.

Other sources revealed that Mr Fox was allegedly “very relaxed indeed this afternoon, by which we mean jetlagged of course, after flying somewhere foreign”. The same sources disclosed that Fox had turned down the chance of a three-course meal with the PM. Instead, he was self-medicating his ‘jetlag’ with prawn cocktail flavour crisps.

As a patriotic page, we ask, is all this necessary? After all, the UK could still make deals while remaining in the Customs Union, or indeed within the EU.

We can only assume that the real reason is to keep Liam Fox out of the way as much as possible.

By now everyone in the United Kingdom has read in The Sun about the release of new commemorative 10p coins tomorrow, Monday the 3rd of March.

The 260 million coins, one for every EU27 highly skilled worker expected to apply for permanent right to remain in England, have been hand painted blue to reflect Britain’s renewed sense of local pride, for local people.

”It’s also a great example of the immediate future of digital currencies too,” our financial analyst notes, “as each coin contains a digital microchip which tracks the value of Sterling against the Euro.”

This means that each time Theresa May speaks publicly on Brexit the coins devalue by 1p.

”It’s groundbreaking technology and wouldn’t have been possible without Liam Fox arranging a bespoke FTA with Germany (the chips are made in Frankfurt) in advance of Brexit.

We’ll be agreeing similar trade deals with each EU27 country over the next twelve months to ensure seamless continuity as we secretly diverge, with ministers of the crown giving backhanders to Saudi princes and oligarchs from China and Russia.”

To help people better understand the symbolism on the new coins we’ve produced a random guide of some of the designs, to train the eye for the rest.

There are 24 new designs, one for each letter of the betabet.

“We start with A for anarchy,” our analyst says, “this evokes the sense of what’s coming down the line for the U.K.”

C is for cricket, as hardly anyone in the world, who wasn’t ruled by Queen Victoria, knows what we’re playing at now.

”F is for fish n chips, to celebrate the contribution of immigration to British culture. That’s the most controversial design.

Most Tory ministers were dead set against it, but finally gave way on recognition that the prime minister, Rupert Murdoch, is from the colonies.”

E is for God, because he’s an Englishman.

“B is for Biffer, because in its guts, that’s Brexit, and the leaders of both main political parties, Tory and Labour, have united behind biffers.”

X is for xenophobia, this celebrates famous puppet minister May’s guiding principle for public policies.

“R is for rebel, without a clue, as that’s the government.”

O is for opium, that was said to be Boris Johnson’s personal secretion, we mean selection, to fire a shot across the bows of China’s ship of trade.

“G was going to be for the GFA. It’s worth celebrating and nurturing the peace after thousands of deaths.

That’s been changed to greed, to better capture the inspiration for the idiots who could care less about the GFA.”

V is for velocity, so we all know what speed we’re aiming for as we respect the will of the people.

The rest of the designs you can easily work out, as you unite behind collecting an example of each coin.

”Just don’t get the coins wet,” our financial man advises, “it’ll fry the chip inside and could cause localised electrocutions.”

LCD Views encourages our readers to ignore that advice as the future for the United Kingdom is only sunny and dry now. Money was made to go round and velocity is terminal.