Category: Global Britain

A blow for fifth column Brexit saboteurs today with the announcement from the Home Office that U.K. border force customs officers have begun training for post Brexit US food imports in full uniform.

”This will stuff those who say we aren’t preparing for life after Brexit right up,” Liz Truss said, in a joint statement released and read by Priti Patel.

”And what’s more no one can accuse your government of wasting hard earned taxpayer’s cash on the uniform design, as we’ve looked backwards for inspiration,” Priti Truss continued, “which is about as Brexit as you can get.”

The medieval plague doctor look is certainly flash.

We asked our resident fashion correspondent to comment on both the design and utility of the swish outfits.

“The new uniforms are certainly eye catching. They feature a classic fedora style hat and a beaked face mask that is certain to have any customs officer, no matter their length of time in post, feeling confident in their work,” Gary Searchlight commented.

The beaks come in varying sizes too, and can be chosen depending on the food being inspected.

”If for instance it’s American hormone stuffed chicken breasts then a long beak can be worn,” Gary reassured, “or if it’s Aussie beef, perhaps a shorter beak.”

And what are the beaks made from?

All beaks are made from one hundred percent British tanned leather and lacquered at a new site purpose built in Pembrokeshire.”

This will help see off complaints that Brexit will mean cheaper clothing imports from abroad at the expense of home manufacturers too?

”Quite right. With one exception.”

Which is?

”The beaks for inspecting Chinese origin, antibiotic soaked pork have been sourced from Chernobyl, as only the native woodpeckers of the famous region have mutated long enough beaks for that task.”

I’m sure no one will complain about a little international trade.

”It’s why we have to leave the EU,” Gary agreed, “we can’t comtinue to base our entire economy just on Cornish pasty exports to France.”

And how will the money saved on the design be spent?

”By Dominic Raab, on maps.”

The first great trade deal of Global Britain has already been struck. Australia has agreed to supply beef in exchange for British ball-tampering technology.

The mainstream press have pounced upon the story, in order to avoid reporting any news. Who cares that a small, noisy group of people is feeding anti-Corbyn stories to all and sundry? What does it matter that Brexit is failing? Let’s slag off the Aussies instead.

Liam Fox was understandably jubilant on all fronts. “My tickets to the Ashes were well worth the money the taxpayer forked out for them,” he crowed. “England showed them how to cheat without being found out.”

But England lost the series 4-0.

“But nobody saw them cheat!” replied Fox. “Now the Aussies ripped the ball to shreds and mended it with gaffer tape. It worked, but wasn’t exactly subtle, was it? British sandpaper, concealed in a pocket, is the way to do it!”

Tell us how the trade deal came about.

“I was chatting to my Aussie counterpart during the lunch interval,” Fox disclosed. “The beef was excellent, much better than ours. So I offered him the chance to cheat undetectably at cricket in exchange for as much delicious meat as he could spare. He agreed, and I swelled visibly with pride!”

Maybe that was just the hormones.

British beef has lost popularity recently. Cattle raised in cold, damp Britain yield tough, tasteless meat. Aussie beef, from cattle raised on sunshine and hormones, tastes of success, albeit fraudulently obtained.

A perfect metaphor for Brexit, then.

John Bull, of the Beef and Bullshit Corporation (BBC), was not happy.

“Why are we doing this?” he moaned. “British people should eat British food. Even if it is expensive and tastes of cardboard. It’s like our passports being produced in France. I thought we had got our country back!”

Empire Beef, as it has been branded, will be available as soon as England have regained the Ashes from the cheating colonials.

The Ministry of Defence has taken action today and moved all Leave EU memes to their secure facility at Porton Down, as they’re now just so toxic.

“This move has been planned for some time,” MOD spokesman, General Wtfis Williamson, told LCD Views, “as the risk to public safety from the hate and racism and bile is nearing the level of a spoonful of Russian nerve agent.

Leave EU itself is probably a Russian nerve agent in campaign form, but that’s a question for another day to do with murky money trails.”

It’s believed the action has been taken now to stop the spread of any further memes.

“You see all the islamophobia going around? That’s Brexit,” the general explained, “that’s Leave EU. That’s Farage. That’s Britain First. That’s all manner of degenerate crap we’re supposed to have left behind. That’s how humanity ends up in wars. They allow sociopaths to sow division. They make credulous people stop seeing shares humanity. They want violence to beget violence.

They want people to hate. It’s a right little earner.

And that’s why they’re after Eddie Izzard now too. He’s just a threatening puzzle to them. And their followers are not good at puzzles!

Leave EU are essentially a terror group. They probably sense though that their time is up, as the net on all the corruption closes in, so they’re going to get worse and worse.

But they’re still very dangerous as they’re good at triggering insecure idiots into action. It’s now a national security risk.”

So you’re saying we’ve let the f*cking nazi’s in our midst get emboldened by making a billboard mirroring WW2 fascist propaganda become our face to the world?

“Do you ever stop and ask what that has said to the world? It’s definitely part of the problem.”

I consider it routinely. It shames us as a country that we’re allowing hate to be our face.

“Yes. The fact too, that senior elected British politicians are happy to push forward UKIP’s vision for the UK?

We’re doing the work of the fascists for them! With paid expenses! And it’s all about tax evasion. It’s a time in our history we won’t look back on with any pride.”

Hatemonger Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard, Leave EU and the other swamp creatures are loving it though?

“They reckon they’re going to get a race war and they’re spreading their anti-human shit about on social media to further encourage the bacterial filth and gullible types that follow them.

This is why we’re acting now. All Leave EU memes will be contained in a bunker deep underground next to the recording of Nigel Farage singing Hitler Youth songs when he was a boy.”

What have Michael Gove and Boris Johnson had to say about this move?

“What have they got to do with it?”

Aren’t Leave EU associated with Vote Leave?

“Are you conflating things?”

It does seem like it’s all connected. Even if only spiritually. What’s your boss Gavin Williamson up to? Did he order the memes contained?

“Oh that little prick? No. He’s busy shopping for a bigger tarantula. Not a day passes when he doesn’t wake in a sweat remembering what he said to Putin. I’d leave him out of it. He’s making enough trouble for himself.”

Members of the public are requested to notify the MOD the moment they spot any Leave EU memes, just in case one has slipped the net. Do not touch it. Do not comment on it. And whatever you do do not share it. Together we can stop the hatred, but we’ll probably need to stop it being major public policy first.

LCD Views has a breaking report from Heathrow air traffic control that an out of control hot air balloon drifting across the English Channel has been identified as Boris Johnson.

”Shortly after lunch time GMT today reports from aircraft arriving from or flying to the continent stated there was a large, overinflated, unifentified flying object drifting uselessly across the English Channel towards France,” a statement from Heathrow said, “the blueberry coloured object appeared to be direction less and with no capable pilot.”

Heathrow air traffic control enacted emergency security procedures, contacting the RAF who scrambled a pair of Eurofighter Typhoons to intercept, and if necessary, destroy the flying hazard.

”Initial reports from RAF interceptors said the object was a hot air balloon. Further flybys established it was in fact a serving minister of state, Boris Johnson MP for Boris Johnson.”

Even though the danger to aviation was clear, it was decided not to burst the balloon at this time.

”The RAF pilots were instructed to escort Boris Johnson, however his course was so unpredictable and erratic they were unable to track the hot air balloon and had to return to base, having exhausted their fuel.”

All flights to and from Heathrow have been diverted, at great expense, while a decision is made as to what to do about the aviation hazard.

”It’s expected Boris Johnson will shortly make a public statement on Russia, in order to deflect from the shambles of the government, or any other shiny thing that catches his eye.”

This will cause him to deflate enough to descend to the ground, where he will resume his standard role as an obstacle to cross border trade via the roads.

Potatriots are rejoicing over the design of the new blue, potatriotic passports today with the confirmation that the famous British phrase “We got are country back” is to be printed on the front.

“It’s so everyone around the world knows what Brexit means to natural English  speakers when we visit,” Amber Rudd MP, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ travel correspondent,

“well, if we visit. After Brexit the only Brits who will likely be able to afford to go anywhere will be the ones rich enough to purchase an EU27 burgundy passport of course. And senior politicians, like the party leaders pushing it forward.”

Why that phrase in particular though?

“The phrase was chosen as it best symbolises what Brexit means for the people who want it. And importantly, for the people who don’t.”

Yes. What about the people who don’t want to lose decades of accrued rights?

What about the people who think its an outrage you intend to strip away their right to travel freely across an entire continent?

“Do you mind if I ignore that question? Those people don’t really exist anymore. Even if they’re members of Labour.”

Carry on.

“Thanks. We had a bit of difficulty settling on the spelling,” Amber illuminated, “some thought country should be spelt cuntry, but that seemed a little low brow to my mind. Also there was a strong case for spelling back without the c, but I want people to focus on the ‘are’ personally.”

And we’ve heard there are other special features?

“Yes indeed! The cover is to be made from a material that combusts when deprived of oxygen.”

Why is that?

“It’s to stop traitors putting the British blue into burgundy wallets. If they do, they’ll catch fire. In fact any prolonged pressure on the surface will cause it to combust.”

But doesn’t that mean you won’t be able to hold them in immigration queues?

“We hadn’t thought of that.”

Doesn’t it also mean you won’t even be able to ship them?

“Because they’ll catch on fire in the shipping containers?”

Exactly.

“This is why we need to leave the EU. All these overbearing rules and regulations to do with what is and what is not supposed to catch on fire. Minimum rights and all that guff. You’ve just underlined our entire manifesto.”

I don’t see how. I’ve pointed out that there’s a risk ten mile long truck tailbacks at Dover could start burning when we leave the customs union.

“You realise this passport colour change is costing half a billion quid? And that’s just for starters?”

It sounds like money very well spent, if it means we get are country back.

“Oh, it’s just a down payment. You wait until you see how much the commemorative stamps are going to cost. Not to mention the loss of huge pieces of our service sector as a result of leaving the single market.”

I dread to think.

“Ah, now you’re getting in the swing of it. That’s how I get through every waking day now.”

Amber Rudd, thank you for your time.

“Thank you. Now watch me as I deport another academic.”

” Let me make one thing clear, in case I never make anything else clear,” Theresa May told a waiting country today, “Global Britain doesn’t need to be in the European Union’s surplus Galileo navigation programme, as the world revolves around us already.”

The announcement was timely, as some in the country, who perhaps don’t festoon their kitchens with Saint George flags, had begun to fret a little over the United Kingdom missing out on inclusion in the EU’s new navigation project.

“Futhermore,” May futhermored, “Galileo the heretic was patently wrong. The galaxy is clearly not heliocentric, as my government is proving right now with the air miles Liam Fox is generating, the world revolves around Global Britain. Further study even suggests it actually revolves only around the Tory party’s interests.”

This furthermoring was a further welcome relief to everyone in light of Donald Trump’s playful attitude to world trade.

“Once the United Kingdom has successfully Brexit’ed the European Union and Global Britain is free to assume its natural gravity I’ll personally be surprised if the moon doesn’t crash right into us.”

And she wasn’t finished there.

“We know exactly where we are everyday with Brexit, it has made GPS a technology of yesterday,” May added, “All you really need is a compass and a map where everything is pink again. As all roads will lead to London, you’ll simply need to know where London is to navigate. This will make navigation at sea much simpler.”

Not only that, but it will mean Global Britain’s loyal citizens won’t have to worry about falling out of the digital communications agreement and the return of roaming charges.

“No one from Global Britain will be roaming anywhere,” May added, “my government’s economic agenda will see to that. You’re all going to save so much money, you’ll be rich.”

To help everyone understand what is correct now text books on geography and physics are to be rewritten and reissued shortly.

“Each book will also include a special note by my boss Arlene Foster about dinosaurs,” May finished, “so that will be nice.”

LCD Views’ Common Folk correspondent has been speaking with a man who is thanking God everyday for Brexit.

The interview took place in the man’s local gym, located in the crypt of Saint T-Bone’s church, as he worked out.

Although ageing, the man likes to keep in fighting shape.

“You never know when you may have to leg it with your money. In case you’re running late for church confession, or something.”

Just an everyday guy.

”You know when they told me,” the man said next, huffing as he bench pressed one hundred pre-reformation bibles, “that Brexit had narrowly won the advisory referendum I was thrilled.”

He paused a moment, inhaling God’s air, counting mentally with the bibles over his head, his arms trembling but not quaking.

“I thought [puff], that chubby, pork fancying simulacrum of me the Tories had elected leader had stuffed his party for a generation.

I never dreamed parliament would be so dense as to take a narrow win in an advisory referendum as a command from god written in the sky in fire to destroy the entire country.

But then, I was forgetting in that moment that Jeremy Corbyn is a diehard Brexiter and the Tory party owned lock stock these days by tax haven exiles and offshore media moguls with bad tendencies. Of course they were going to work hand in hand to deliver Brexit, before squabbling over the ashes.”

But Corbyn campaigned for Remain. The Tories own Brexit. Labour is playing the long game and will ride to triumph once the Tories destroy themselves. Labour are very clever.

“Corbyn predominately campaigned for remain in little town halls where no one would bother reporting what he said much, because Boris was tearing up the country in a big, red bus.”

Do you think Corbyn would have campaigned harder if Seamus had let him off the leash more?

“In a word. No.

Everyone forgets that in my day Corbyn and McDonnell were parliamentary rebels who disobeyed the whip every turn they could, while plotting with David Davis and the other rebels on the Tory back benches.

I suspect if anyone bothered to dig about, they may find there’s a lot more coordination between May’s cabinet and the current Labour front bench than people realise, even though it’s blindingly obvious if you look at what is happening in the Commons on Brexit.

In the end it’ll only be people who shout ‘you’re just trying to undermine the leader’ who’ll still be ignoring the possible collusion to undermine our democracy and turn it into something rather different.”

So you’re saying the hard right Tories and the old revolutionaries on the other side are engaged in a winner take all battle over the future of our country, right now? And working together until the final play?

“That’s the long game.

Both sides would be happy to have you eating out of a bin as it works for both hard right and hard left agendas.

The hard right get to slash and burn regulations and pay, that’s how Global Britain will attempt to compete with China, and the hard left wants to burn the established model to the ground, but they can only get the conditions for that if the middle classes are also reduced to penury, enough to revolt.”

But Corbyn’s supporters love to talk about how he rebelled against Blair’s government over the Iraq War and ignore the fact that the Liberal Democrats under Charles Kennedy voted against the war as a party?

“Omission is important when you are trying to motivate people emotionally. If anyone should know that, it’s me!”

So what’s next?

“Get me that towel, will you? I’ve worked up a godly sweat.”

Here you go.

“Thank you,” he said, “What’s next for me?”

I was thinking about the country, but talk about you if you like.

“I’m going to get my legacy back by the time this is all over, with a smudge inbetween sorting out Sierra Leone and Brexit.”

How are you going to do that?

“Because all the people in positions of power are going to totally screw themselves pursuing their blind ideological agendas and at the end of the day, it’ll just be me talking any sense.”

There’s others.

“Whatever. Brexit will be a great eraser over the parts of my record I’d rather you forgot. I may have screwed it up bad with one vital decision and sowed the winds of death and destruction in other parts of the world with that horrible mistake, but I’m inconveniently right on Brexit.”

This is not easy. I don’t like this.

“Suck it up buttercup.

Old Corbs is going to look pretty bloody silly still shouting ‘jobs first Brexit’ when Nissan and Airbus announce they’re pulling out in the summer.

I’m going to enjoy that day almost as much as I did watching David Cameron announce he was chicken shitting away from the mess he created by being too gutless to stand against the racists in his own party.”

I’m not going to enjoy thousands of people losing their jobs, although that’s probably what it will take to stop Brexit.

“You don’t see the completeness of God’s design like me.”

So what’s next today?

“I’m going to pray, as I do everyday, and thank God for Brexit.”

The Home Office was in chaste mood today as it released a list of activities that are now banned on patriotic grounds to help make a success of Brexit.

“Number one, french kissing is over,” Amber Rudd, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ Dating Advice columnist, “french breadsticks are going too, as  one often leads to the other.  Sourdough will do well enough for honest British snoggers hereafter.”

But the addition of french letters to the list of proscribed activities and items caused criticism that the Home Office had not thought things through.

“Of course we have,” Ms Rudd replied primly, “we going to need a baby boom to replace all those foreign workers that are going home and taking their newly illegal activities with them.

French letters are almost certainly a French plot to undermine the great British birth rate. It’s much simpler just to ban them instead of having inspectors going around the country piercing each one individually with a pin. Even though that adds an element of surprise to unexpecting parents.”

But how does the Home Office expect to police the banning of french kissing?

“Easy. We’re going to surveil you. After Brexit you will have to apply for an “intimacy permit”. If you are successful you will be supervised during the times supervised for close contact. Some have called this a needless job creation scheme, but I refute that. We’ve already made enough civil service jobs just trying to find something sensible for David Davis to say.”

LCD Views welcomes all measures taken to encourage a greater sense of national identity for proper Brits, but we think banning french kissing is perhaps a step too far. It would have been more sensible to just retitle it as British kissing and be done with it.

“You know someone once suggested to me if we just asked the EU27 to rename the ECJ as the BCJ we could have saved ourselves a hell of a lot of expense and effort. But it’s too late now. The people had a vote.”

A new slogan is expected to accompany the campaign to raise public awareness of the ban on french kissing and letters.

“No tongues please, we’re British,” Ms Rudd nodded soberly, “that ought to do it. And if it doesn’t we’re going to have G4S detain you.”

The new blue passports, which have been treacherously produced in the EU, will not be reaching these shores any time soon. Dover customs jobsworths have refused the first consignments because they are the wrong size.

It transpires that the new blue passports measure precisely 8cm by 12 cm. The specification stipulates that they should measure roughly 3 inches by 4 inches. Predictably, the tabloid press have seized upon this gaffe with great delight.

“Who wants a blEU passport?” squeals the Daily Mail. “We MUST take control of our passports NOW!” proclaims the Daily Express. Many items of calamitous bad news have been cheerfully buried in small print on page 73 as a result.

Cursory digging reveals that many of the now-useless decimal passports lack pages entirely. This is not a problem, as they are unlikely ever to be used, but they fail to communicate the vital illusion of global travel.

The ‘executive’ version of the passport does indeed contain pages. These pages are not made of the usual vellum, as this is too expensive. Instead, a parchment made from the skins of grateful unicorns has been used.

Including pages does increase costs, though. So corners have been cut to save costs. The passports will come without corners to get all dog-eared.

“This is a national scandal!” hooted passport expert Bergen Dee. “The incompetent EU cannot even get basic units of measurement correct. It is vital that we leave the EU as soon as possible, if not before that!”

Bergen Dee riffed about the use of Imperial measures being the first step towards reclaiming the Empire, before turning his ire on the EU again. “If you can’t even use a ruler properly, how on earth can you be taken seriously?” he shouted. “Britannia rules the waves!”

Don’t mention the fact that it would be much cheaper and simpler to retain EU passports. But that’s not Brexit. Britannia waives the rules.

Calls for increased tariffs on French Brie and Dutch clogs today as reports state the first shipment of potatriotic, British blue passports are stuck in a ten mile truck tail back at Dover.

The hold up occurred after the firm responsible, Franco-Dutch printers, Gelato, refused to pay the 500% tariff imposed on imported paper products by Brexminster.

”The driver of the lorry carrying the passports said he was under orders not to use the ‘express’ customs lane and its smart tariff payment system, as the processing fee added to smart payments by the British based sub-contractor responsible for processing was more than the tariff imposed,” passport specialist Paper Mashe told LCD Views, “which is a shame as the tail back in the express lane is usually only nine miles and not ten.”

It appears the driver turned off his engine and said he would have to wait for clearance from head office.

”But this only increases the cost as G4S, since winning the contract to manage the seamless border, have been actively clamping any vehicle moving slowly enough for their parking enforcement sub-contractors, Balls-Up, to get a clamp on.

It’s understood the clamp won’t be removed until the fine has been paid to Balls-Up’s sub-contractor for collections, Big Harry.

But as Big Harry was last seen drinking with his old flame Krystal late last night at the Fudge n Duck, no one expects him to surface until tomorrow, when they’ve run out of gear and he surfaces to score.

Unfortunately that’s nornally when Krystal slinks away and Harry returns to find the hotel room empty, damaged. This will trigger a five day bender ending in arrest after violent disorder in an off license in Enfield, where he first met Krystal all those years ago.”

So not much hope of getting those passports through Dover in time for the patriotic Brits who have booked for a holiday abroad this month?

”Not unless Scotland relaxes the hard border it recently imposed with England after Boris Johnson wouldn’t shut up about Culloden. They also cancelled all visas issued to English citizens, excepting the Cornish who are in open revolt.”

Will Boris apologise? Will Cornwall lay down their arms?

“Boris never has yet. He’s unsackable, even as the petition calling for his firing now has the signatures of over two billion people world wide. And the Cornish situation has only worsened recently as Jacob Rees-mogg, since seceding with Somerset, has arranged his militia on the border, it’s said with the tacit support of Westminster.”

So you’d advise people to plan on a staycation this year?

”Yes. Just like every year since we regained our independence from what, no one is quite sure anymore.”