Category: Global Britain

BREAKING NEWS from central London this morning after an underground carriage was declared a hostile environment after the gatekeeper and key master met.

Commuters are being warned to keep well back until a team of specialist ‘idiot separaters’ can track down the travelling encounter and put a stop to it.

”The encounter is deeply worrying,” said everyone watching, nearby, living in the country the union is occurring in, or watching from abroad, except collectors of certain WW2 memorabilia,

“when you think of the innate dislike for ‘others’ in the marrow of both supernaturally charged idiots, the result of a union between them is anyone’s guess.

Throw in the almost magical power of imperial nostalgia they’ve been cursed with. It’s as nauseating as it is scary. It’s likely they’ll release malignant forces that most thought under control.”

It’s thought the duo, who together compromise the force of ageing and blinkered little englanders on one side and actual government on the other, are hoping to cast the country under a rule of darkness.

Fears mostly centre on what might happen to public policy.

”It will be very bad to anyone who is incapable of remembering that the empire was a thing people tried to free themselves from and eventually did,” said anyone who paid the slightest attention,

“Then it will be bad for everyone else, as they’ll seek to reduce the status of one group after another.”

Vans are expected to begin appearing on the streets, driven by servants of darkness, to signal what is expected of people.

”Mostly that anyone not born in the gatekeeper’s village F off back to where they came from.

The churning hatred inside the pair will make that easier by burning important records giving them legitimacy on immigration rules. Then they’ll change the rules and demand those bits of paper or tell people to live in fear and uncertainty interminably.”

Devious. Like a cruel spell.

”It’s going to be a bit of a ride. When nasty, blinkered people get great power, it tends to turn everything to shit.

And when you think the ultimate master of the gatekeeper and the key master is tax havens and asset burning hard right ideologies. It’s a scary vision of the future.”

So are they planning a ceremony?

”Oh, the portal to enteral darkness is already open, we’re only now really seeing what’s coming out of it. It’s not nice. And given how fanatically evil it is, it’s also curiously incompetent.”

While the situation unfolds people are encouraged to avoid the vicinity of the two, just until we can work out what the hell is going on.

”Whatever you do don’t open your fridge door on your own until the power of nasty, inward focused sentimentality and government can be separated and consigned to the history bin like a too long ignored pre-bagged salad.”

The Windrush scandal, smouldering under the surface for years and now fully ablaze in Westminster, has forced a crack team of taxpayer funded policy makers back to the drawing board for the answer to how to deport three million people after Brexit.

”Clearly we have classes of people in the United Kingdom that are undesirables,” chief policy maker Theresa May told LCD Views, “and those are retired and not white, although in time they will be retired and white too.”

It seems the settled method since some mysterious woman, yet to be identified, became Home Office Secretary was to make life as miserable as possible.

”I can’t say at the moment how the human hating policies were dreamt up,” Theresa said, “that person must be certifiable!”

Although she could see why.

”Clearly a method for dealing with such people who have abruptly stopped contributing to society after decades is to get rid of them. Actually anyone who doesn’t read the Express and wasn’t born in little England needs to go. But quietly. Without recourse or press attention.”

So the principles established by convict transportation to Australia in the late 18th and early 19th century still hold good?

”They do in my book,” Theresa replied, “settled status means settled status.”

This may raise some issues for Brexit negotiations too?

”Yes! How can I con the hell out of Barnier if we all now see what global Britain really means? I mean, we must find a way to boot out the three million EU citizens after they retire or Brexit won’t really mean Brexit.”

Back to the drawing board then?

”Yes. And for the rest of you, if any of you know who that crazed fool was who commissioned frankly horrid vans to drive around the country in 2012 telling people to F off, please be good enough to keep it to yourself.”

LCD Views can report on a helpful leg up for Doctor Liam Fox in his global trade mission today as the Home Office has begun deporting Commonwealth born citizens as brand advocates for Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’s really put the wind under my wings and given me a rush to have a joint initiative with my colleagues at the Home Office,” Dr Fox told us, “to think in just a few years we’ll likely be peers today as well, once we fly off to our well earned rest as Conservative Lords.”

Under the new strategy anyone who came to the United Kingdom as a minor and who hasn’t kept the ticket stub to prove they did it by boat or plane, and not illegally by levitation, is to be rounded up and forced back to the countries of their birth.

The scheme is expected to be rolled out after this test phase to other groups who also legally arrived, often by invitation from a country eager for fit, young people, but who now doesn’t like anyone not born in a shire so much, and wants the world to know it.

“I have suggested we get Nigel Farage to redo his famous breaking point poster, only this time with other groups,” Doctor Fox said, “just to make sure the world really gets what Britain and Brexit means.”

And Doctor Fox has other ideas they don’t involve curtains too.

”I was expecting I’d probably only achieve a Guinness Book of World Records entry for most business class air miles earned at public expense while achieving sod all,” Doctor Fox mused, “but with HMG competing with President Trump across the pond to make racism a guiding light in immigration policy, well, I’m going to have a lot of free publicity for Global Britain’s brand in so many Commonwealth countries I want to do a free trade deal with after Brexit.”

LCD Views thinks Doctor Fox is indeed lucky, to have some many chums to give him a leg up the ladder, in spite of his ability.

”That goes for the entire cabinet currently, pretty much,” he adds, “it explains all these wonderful policies. Competence. What is it and how do you avoid it?”

Although we perceive some risk of the kick out anyone a kipper hates policy backfiring, given a few of the targeted individuals may at some point negotiate the telephone books of paperwork, and stump up the fees needed to process documents resulting from rule changes decades after people settled in the UK and were allowed to do so.

“It’s a good warm up,” Doctor Fox finished, “for when we start screwing around EU27 citizens even harder while shouting at the EU to give us cake. Bargain chips. That’s what we see when we see people.”

Best of luck Global Britain, you’ll need it.

 

The Home Office has thrilled everyone today with the announcement that the lettering on the covers of the new blue patriotic passports is to be printed in ink made from iron pyrite.

“It was a tough call,” Ms 500M Pounds told LCD Views, “we had thought about ritually slaughtering a unicorn and making ink out of its blood, but we went with the fools gold in the end.”

Why? Surely a unicorn, as it features on the coat of arms, would have been more appropriate? Especially in the context of the reasons for spending half a billion quid changing the colour of passports to a colour we could have had anyway?

“It was a real shock to all of us,” Ms 500M answered, “but we couldn’t actually locate a unicorn for the purpose.”

But politicians are promising unicorns now for pretty much everything going, surely you could have just taken an incy wincy bit of blood from one of those?

“Are you sitting down?”

Yes. I always sit when interviewing fictional characters.

“Unicorns don’t exist.”

Get out of here.

“Seriously,” Ms 500M was adamant, “I should know as I’ve just finished overseeing a study into their habitats, feeding patterns, reproductive cycles, best way to catch and tame etc. Unicorn farming is a cornerstone of all future policy. It was a bloody shock to discover they aren’t real.”

So what are you going to do?

“Buggered if I know,” Ms 500M replied, “spend money hand over fist and hope something magical happens is the most likely course of action.”

Maybe you could start replacing unicorns with iron pyrites all over the shop?

“Now that’s the sort of advice we pay well for. Do you want a job as a consultant at DExEU?”

How long would I have to stay for?

“Not long. No one does.”

A family in an endlessly war torn part of the world has today expressed its gratitude that it’s only local elections happening in the United Kingdom on May 3rd.

“Some may call us ungrateful for the attention we’ve recently received from the world’s pillars of democracy,” one member of the family said, “but hey, everyone likes their fifteen minutes of fame once a year.”

The family was speaking after the Friday night bombing raid on Syrian chemical weapons facilities and stock piles. While pleased that Assad’s capabilities in this area may have been temporarily downgraded, they were still left with some niggling doubts about the motivations behind the coalition of the willing’s actions.

“It’s okay to blow up civilians here or in Yemen with conventional weaponry?” they wanted to know, “but it’s not okay to gas us? That’s when limited action is taken? It does seem a bit cynical. If you were really concerned presumably you’d be committed full time to bring an end to the conflict?”

They did go on to say they were pleased that the military industrial complex had a playground though.

“Everyone thought Eisenhower was a bit loopy when he made his big goodbye speech in the fifties, warning of the commercial push for endless war,” the representative of the family commented, while lugging a small child for miles down a bomb cratered road, “but I suspect he’s been shown to be very much on the mark. Much like a laser guided missile. How much do they cost again?”

Still, at least the action is only limited.

“It plays into everyone’s hands,” the family said, “most of the leaders involved need a PR win. It’s a little curious on the part of May and Trump, given their attitudes to refugees. It’s also a little curious from the stop the war group, as I don’t recall them protesting the barrel bombing of my home or the other mass drops of conventional munitions by Assad and Putin? Still, everyone has busy lives, so you get involved when it suits I suppose.”

They hope to have a little rest now.

“It’s probably just as well the United Kingdom only has local elections coming up on May 3rd. God only knows how much your government would care about us if it was a general election!”

BBC Radio 4 is to counter accusations of bias against Brexit by John Humphrys reading out a Daily Mail in its entirety, with special commentary provided by experts from The Sun and The Telegraph.

”We were hoping Katie Hopkins or Nigel Farage could provide the specialist commentary, but they’re busy flogging their wares in America,” Radio 4 unbiased media specialist, S Sands, told LCD Views, “but happily a gaggle of tabloid op ed rent a gobs will be on hand to fulfil that role.”

But why was Humphrys chosen for the honour and not Kate Hoey MP?

”John loves to read out the Daily Mail when he’s on shift in the mornings. It sets up the inevitable pro-gammon interview with stinky Tory cheese wheel Iain Duncan Smith wonderfully,” S Sands replied, “there wasn’t really a contest. Wikipedia may have decided the Fail isn’t a reliable or credible news source, but not our cuddly old Humpy.”

And we hear particular attention has been paid to the music to accompany the reading?

”Yes. We’ve had a sound team on the seaside in Thanet recording screeching seagulls to accompany the reading. That and the sound of axes grinding will be a perfect foil for the childlike folly of the tabloid paper.”

And what response do you give to critics of the decision to broadcast this special?

”Do they need a response?”

Maybe. Very many people won’t be happy with the decision, we expect, you’re not even balancing it out with a reading of The Observer or Indy.

”So? Those critics are likely to not have voted to deliver an overwhelming mandate to ruin the country. It’s not the BBC’s role to give them a voice.”

S Sands thank you for your time. We look forward to downloading Humphrys full throttle reading the Daily Mail, cutting out the commentary and spamming it across social media very soon.

”You’re welcome. Consider it a public service.”

Like Sands through the hourglass…

”Excuse me?”

The much loved and hankered after unity of the governing Conservative cabinet lay in shreds this morning after a controversial change was made to the United Kingdom’s coat of arms overnight.

“What’s with the f*cking Johnson?” Ms May is said to have hissed, as a fresh pile of official correspondence greeted her, as she sat down at her desk to evade the big questions of the day.

It’s believed a modification to the government’s coat of arms was in the offing, but, ”A turkey rampant had been chosen to replace the lion on the left of the shield. Not a poundstore Trump on a lion’s body,” an aide to the prime minister informed LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity.

Is this to symbolise the transition currently occurring in the United Kingdom?

”Yes. As we are right now turkeys having voted for Christmas, who are expected to become dodos post Brexit, these two British birds were felt to best symbolise what is afoot.”

So who is responsible for the premature and abrupt change?

”Boris Johnson appears to have broken into the Home Office last night, three sheets to the wind and made some alterations,” the aide replied.

So what is Ms May to do about it? Surely this is a sacking offence?

”I know your publication has a reputation for being less than serious at times about the big issues facing the country,” the aide said, “but that’s just ludicrous. Risk Ms May’s job over an issue of national importance? You don’t know much about modern British political leadership.”

So we’re all going to have to get used to the new coat of arms?

“Just pretend it’s not happening,” Mr Parkinson advised, “and you hold the current key to government.”

“If you don’t vote Labour the Tories get in,” is on permanent cut and paste under the fingertips of Labour activists with just weeks to go until the polls, and the reverse for the three or four Tory ones that exist still. As no other parties exist in British politics and even if they did clearly their points of view no longer matter.

“We’ve also a fresh batch of vilifying insults to deploy on social media for anyone who isn’t prepared to kiss Corbyn’s saintly ring,” Jacob Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “you see Brexit is a crusade of proven lies, anyone with proper political principles is backing it.”

Something to chew on.

But why is the ultra conservative, ultra Brexiter, leader of the Borg, assisting Labour with its campaign chit chat?

”Because Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell and the crowd running Momentum are Brexiters,” the MP for stripping away the rights of the working man said.

”Their enemy is our enemy, so it’s best we work together until we fight over the spoils.”

That’s the long game?

”Yes.”

It explains why it’s taking so long.

But surely you run the risk of people voting Labour as a result of this now tried and tested phrase?

”You’re forgetting that the people who say it online often follow up with yellow Tory, centrist shill for about a week on retweet,” Jacob smiled, “so any wavering Conservatives will stay with us out of fear of being strung from a lamp post day one of a Corbyn administration.

As to the others who don’t think either a Corbyn or May Brexit is the answer, as they are clearly one and the same, those millions no longer exist and can be insulted at leisure due to their obvious thought crimes. It’s fantastic campaigning. Building alliances through insults and alienation.”

But it’s not even true. People abandoning both Labour and Conservatives and voting UKIP made Nigel Farage prime minister just with council seats and voteshare.

”And what a fine Brexit PM he’s turning out to be, he’s even united the leadership of the two main parties in U.K. politics behind his vision of a xenophobic little England for the future.”

Nice work.

I wonder what the rest of the world thinks of us now?

”They think we’re an example, mostly of how 1930’s values can be revised for the 21st century.”

British exceptionalism at its finest.

Theresa May has announced her intention to start a trade war with Argentina in order to boost Tory party prospects in the May 3rd local elections.

”It worked for Maggie,” Stephen Parkinson, Downing Street insider, told us while stopping by to kick our door in, “it’ll work for Theresa. It’s my idea. I don’t want anyone else getting the credit or I’ll put their whole family in danger for payback.”

It’s certainly a shrewd bit of politics and why shouldn’t it work?

”Have they asked Argentina about it?” our international trade correspondent wanted to know, “Trump is coordinating his trade war with China via back channels so both he and Xi look tough, the stock market tumbles and they all make a lot of money buying the right stocks in a bear market before stabilising things again. I’m not sure Theresa has put in the ground work?”

We put his concerns to Stephen.

“Groundwork is for pussies,” Mr Parkinson retorted, “we’re on full wing it mode. Day to day. Seat of your pants stuff. Groundwork? What age is your supposed expert living in? The early 2000’s?”

But will a trade war centred on a few international footballers give May the boost her party needs to not wipe out on May 3rd?

”That’s an easy one,” our political analyst chimed in, “No. 41% of the local elections are in London. Enough said. Remain central. F*ck Theresa May. And very possibly a bit of screw you Jeremy coming too. In order to unite the country behind her she needs Russia to invade the Shetlands, or maybe even Skye.”

Well, that’s encouraging. Good luck with your trade war Theresa come what May. You get this trade war right it’s another fifteen years of Tory rule and flag waving. Global Britain will make Great Britain grate even more. Full cheese grater.

*This article is to be redacted before printing so Boris doesn’t get any ideas about Scottish islands and Russia.

Greg Clarke Minister for Bungling was leading the big band in a celebration song after the government buckled to PSA’s demands for a big bucket of British taxpayer’s cash yesterday.

“This shows you we cut a fine cut out out when we agreed to give Nissan however much they wanted to stay in the U.K. for a while,” Mr Clarke sang, “and PSA have been smart enough to twist our arm behind our back and demand likewise to keep van production at the Luton plant.”

While some short sighted types might criticise the government for shoving taxpayer’s money into the pockets of multinationals, Mr Clarke is not having that.

”I’m having taxpayer’s cash of course. It’s my job. But securing capitalists against any potential losses that will be incurred because HMG has a dream of a bold, bucaneering, free trading country out on the high seas of international trade, busily shoving fistfuls of money into the pockets of international businesses dependent on CU and SM access to survive, that’s just a traditional conservative approach to business, isn’t it?”

They are the party of business, after all.

”I’m sure Labour won’t criticise the nationalisation of profit loss by capitalists, given it’s in the service of Brexit.”

LCD Views commends the government for its short term thinking and is more than certain there’s enough taxpayer’s money in the U.K. piggy bank to bribe, we mean incentivise, any business that needs bribing, we mean incentivising, to keep operations in the U.K. for a few years longer, while we sort out the few details left to clarify what Brexit means for trade.

”Of course her majesty’s loyal opposition supports throwing money at multinationals so our support of Brexit doesn’t get sticky for us before the long game reaches the final stage,” John McDonnell is expected to say later,

“there’s nothing else those millions could be better spent on. Remember, the people had a vote. Which is why Labour now also supports austerity, because the people had a vote on that too. It’s about our principles.”