Category: Global Britain

The much loved and hankered after unity of the governing Conservative cabinet lay in shreds this morning after a controversial change was made to the United Kingdom’s coat of arms overnight.

“What’s with the f*cking Johnson?” Ms May is said to have hissed, as a fresh pile of official correspondence greeted her, as she sat down at her desk to evade the big questions of the day.

It’s believed a modification to the government’s coat of arms was in the offing, but, ”A turkey rampant had been chosen to replace the lion on the left of the shield. Not a poundstore Trump on a lion’s body,” an aide to the prime minister informed LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity.

Is this to symbolise the transition currently occurring in the United Kingdom?

”Yes. As we are right now turkeys having voted for Christmas, who are expected to become dodos post Brexit, these two British birds were felt to best symbolise what is afoot.”

So who is responsible for the premature and abrupt change?

”Boris Johnson appears to have broken into the Home Office last night, three sheets to the wind and made some alterations,” the aide replied.

So what is Ms May to do about it? Surely this is a sacking offence?

”I know your publication has a reputation for being less than serious at times about the big issues facing the country,” the aide said, “but that’s just ludicrous. Risk Ms May’s job over an issue of national importance? You don’t know much about modern British political leadership.”

So we’re all going to have to get used to the new coat of arms?

“Just pretend it’s not happening,” Mr Parkinson advised, “and you hold the current key to government.”

“If you don’t vote Labour the Tories get in,” is on permanent cut and paste under the fingertips of Labour activists with just weeks to go until the polls, and the reverse for the three or four Tory ones that exist still. As no other parties exist in British politics and even if they did clearly their points of view no longer matter.

“We’ve also a fresh batch of vilifying insults to deploy on social media for anyone who isn’t prepared to kiss Corbyn’s saintly ring,” Jacob Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “you see Brexit is a crusade of proven lies, anyone with proper political principles is backing it.”

Something to chew on.

But why is the ultra conservative, ultra Brexiter, leader of the Borg, assisting Labour with its campaign chit chat?

”Because Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell and the crowd running Momentum are Brexiters,” the MP for stripping away the rights of the working man said.

”Their enemy is our enemy, so it’s best we work together until we fight over the spoils.”

That’s the long game?

”Yes.”

It explains why it’s taking so long.

But surely you run the risk of people voting Labour as a result of this now tried and tested phrase?

”You’re forgetting that the people who say it online often follow up with yellow Tory, centrist shill for about a week on retweet,” Jacob smiled, “so any wavering Conservatives will stay with us out of fear of being strung from a lamp post day one of a Corbyn administration.

As to the others who don’t think either a Corbyn or May Brexit is the answer, as they are clearly one and the same, those millions no longer exist and can be insulted at leisure due to their obvious thought crimes. It’s fantastic campaigning. Building alliances through insults and alienation.”

But it’s not even true. People abandoning both Labour and Conservatives and voting UKIP made Nigel Farage prime minister just with council seats and voteshare.

”And what a fine Brexit PM he’s turning out to be, he’s even united the leadership of the two main parties in U.K. politics behind his vision of a xenophobic little England for the future.”

Nice work.

I wonder what the rest of the world thinks of us now?

”They think we’re an example, mostly of how 1930’s values can be revised for the 21st century.”

British exceptionalism at its finest.

Theresa May has announced her intention to start a trade war with Argentina in order to boost Tory party prospects in the May 3rd local elections.

”It worked for Maggie,” Stephen Parkinson, Downing Street insider, told us while stopping by to kick our door in, “it’ll work for Theresa. It’s my idea. I don’t want anyone else getting the credit or I’ll put their whole family in danger for payback.”

It’s certainly a shrewd bit of politics and why shouldn’t it work?

”Have they asked Argentina about it?” our international trade correspondent wanted to know, “Trump is coordinating his trade war with China via back channels so both he and Xi look tough, the stock market tumbles and they all make a lot of money buying the right stocks in a bear market before stabilising things again. I’m not sure Theresa has put in the ground work?”

We put his concerns to Stephen.

“Groundwork is for pussies,” Mr Parkinson retorted, “we’re on full wing it mode. Day to day. Seat of your pants stuff. Groundwork? What age is your supposed expert living in? The early 2000’s?”

But will a trade war centred on a few international footballers give May the boost her party needs to not wipe out on May 3rd?

”That’s an easy one,” our political analyst chimed in, “No. 41% of the local elections are in London. Enough said. Remain central. F*ck Theresa May. And very possibly a bit of screw you Jeremy coming too. In order to unite the country behind her she needs Russia to invade the Shetlands, or maybe even Skye.”

Well, that’s encouraging. Good luck with your trade war Theresa come what May. You get this trade war right it’s another fifteen years of Tory rule and flag waving. Global Britain will make Great Britain grate even more. Full cheese grater.

*This article is to be redacted before printing so Boris doesn’t get any ideas about Scottish islands and Russia.

Greg Clarke Minister for Bungling was leading the big band in a celebration song after the government buckled to PSA’s demands for a big bucket of British taxpayer’s cash yesterday.

“This shows you we cut a fine cut out out when we agreed to give Nissan however much they wanted to stay in the U.K. for a while,” Mr Clarke sang, “and PSA have been smart enough to twist our arm behind our back and demand likewise to keep van production at the Luton plant.”

While some short sighted types might criticise the government for shoving taxpayer’s money into the pockets of multinationals, Mr Clarke is not having that.

”I’m having taxpayer’s cash of course. It’s my job. But securing capitalists against any potential losses that will be incurred because HMG has a dream of a bold, bucaneering, free trading country out on the high seas of international trade, busily shoving fistfuls of money into the pockets of international businesses dependent on CU and SM access to survive, that’s just a traditional conservative approach to business, isn’t it?”

They are the party of business, after all.

”I’m sure Labour won’t criticise the nationalisation of profit loss by capitalists, given it’s in the service of Brexit.”

LCD Views commends the government for its short term thinking and is more than certain there’s enough taxpayer’s money in the U.K. piggy bank to bribe, we mean incentivise, any business that needs bribing, we mean incentivising, to keep operations in the U.K. for a few years longer, while we sort out the few details left to clarify what Brexit means for trade.

”Of course her majesty’s loyal opposition supports throwing money at multinationals so our support of Brexit doesn’t get sticky for us before the long game reaches the final stage,” John McDonnell is expected to say later,

“there’s nothing else those millions could be better spent on. Remember, the people had a vote. Which is why Labour now also supports austerity, because the people had a vote on that too. It’s about our principles.”

A blow for fifth column Brexit saboteurs today with the announcement from the Home Office that U.K. border force customs officers have begun training for post Brexit US food imports in full uniform.

”This will stuff those who say we aren’t preparing for life after Brexit right up,” Liz Truss said, in a joint statement released and read by Priti Patel.

”And what’s more no one can accuse your government of wasting hard earned taxpayer’s cash on the uniform design, as we’ve looked backwards for inspiration,” Priti Truss continued, “which is about as Brexit as you can get.”

The medieval plague doctor look is certainly flash.

We asked our resident fashion correspondent to comment on both the design and utility of the swish outfits.

“The new uniforms are certainly eye catching. They feature a classic fedora style hat and a beaked face mask that is certain to have any customs officer, no matter their length of time in post, feeling confident in their work,” Gary Searchlight commented.

The beaks come in varying sizes too, and can be chosen depending on the food being inspected.

”If for instance it’s American hormone stuffed chicken breasts then a long beak can be worn,” Gary reassured, “or if it’s Aussie beef, perhaps a shorter beak.”

And what are the beaks made from?

All beaks are made from one hundred percent British tanned leather and lacquered at a new site purpose built in Pembrokeshire.”

This will help see off complaints that Brexit will mean cheaper clothing imports from abroad at the expense of home manufacturers too?

”Quite right. With one exception.”

Which is?

”The beaks for inspecting Chinese origin, antibiotic soaked pork have been sourced from Chernobyl, as only the native woodpeckers of the famous region have mutated long enough beaks for that task.”

I’m sure no one will complain about a little international trade.

”It’s why we have to leave the EU,” Gary agreed, “we can’t comtinue to base our entire economy just on Cornish pasty exports to France.”

And how will the money saved on the design be spent?

”By Dominic Raab, on maps.”

The first great trade deal of Global Britain has already been struck. Australia has agreed to supply beef in exchange for British ball-tampering technology.

The mainstream press have pounced upon the story, in order to avoid reporting any news. Who cares that a small, noisy group of people is feeding anti-Corbyn stories to all and sundry? What does it matter that Brexit is failing? Let’s slag off the Aussies instead.

Liam Fox was understandably jubilant on all fronts. “My tickets to the Ashes were well worth the money the taxpayer forked out for them,” he crowed. “England showed them how to cheat without being found out.”

But England lost the series 4-0.

“But nobody saw them cheat!” replied Fox. “Now the Aussies ripped the ball to shreds and mended it with gaffer tape. It worked, but wasn’t exactly subtle, was it? British sandpaper, concealed in a pocket, is the way to do it!”

Tell us how the trade deal came about.

“I was chatting to my Aussie counterpart during the lunch interval,” Fox disclosed. “The beef was excellent, much better than ours. So I offered him the chance to cheat undetectably at cricket in exchange for as much delicious meat as he could spare. He agreed, and I swelled visibly with pride!”

Maybe that was just the hormones.

British beef has lost popularity recently. Cattle raised in cold, damp Britain yield tough, tasteless meat. Aussie beef, from cattle raised on sunshine and hormones, tastes of success, albeit fraudulently obtained.

A perfect metaphor for Brexit, then.

John Bull, of the Beef and Bullshit Corporation (BBC), was not happy.

“Why are we doing this?” he moaned. “British people should eat British food. Even if it is expensive and tastes of cardboard. It’s like our passports being produced in France. I thought we had got our country back!”

Empire Beef, as it has been branded, will be available as soon as England have regained the Ashes from the cheating colonials.

The Ministry of Defence has taken action today and moved all Leave EU memes to their secure facility at Porton Down, as they’re now just so toxic.

“This move has been planned for some time,” MOD spokesman, General Wtfis Williamson, told LCD Views, “as the risk to public safety from the hate and racism and bile is nearing the level of a spoonful of Russian nerve agent.

Leave EU itself is probably a Russian nerve agent in campaign form, but that’s a question for another day to do with murky money trails.”

It’s believed the action has been taken now to stop the spread of any further memes.

“You see all the islamophobia going around? That’s Brexit,” the general explained, “that’s Leave EU. That’s Farage. That’s Britain First. That’s all manner of degenerate crap we’re supposed to have left behind. That’s how humanity ends up in wars. They allow sociopaths to sow division. They make credulous people stop seeing shares humanity. They want violence to beget violence.

They want people to hate. It’s a right little earner.

And that’s why they’re after Eddie Izzard now too. He’s just a threatening puzzle to them. And their followers are not good at puzzles!

Leave EU are essentially a terror group. They probably sense though that their time is up, as the net on all the corruption closes in, so they’re going to get worse and worse.

But they’re still very dangerous as they’re good at triggering insecure idiots into action. It’s now a national security risk.”

So you’re saying we’ve let the f*cking nazi’s in our midst get emboldened by making a billboard mirroring WW2 fascist propaganda become our face to the world?

“Do you ever stop and ask what that has said to the world? It’s definitely part of the problem.”

I consider it routinely. It shames us as a country that we’re allowing hate to be our face.

“Yes. The fact too, that senior elected British politicians are happy to push forward UKIP’s vision for the UK?

We’re doing the work of the fascists for them! With paid expenses! And it’s all about tax evasion. It’s a time in our history we won’t look back on with any pride.”

Hatemonger Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard, Leave EU and the other swamp creatures are loving it though?

“They reckon they’re going to get a race war and they’re spreading their anti-human shit about on social media to further encourage the bacterial filth and gullible types that follow them.

This is why we’re acting now. All Leave EU memes will be contained in a bunker deep underground next to the recording of Nigel Farage singing Hitler Youth songs when he was a boy.”

What have Michael Gove and Boris Johnson had to say about this move?

“What have they got to do with it?”

Aren’t Leave EU associated with Vote Leave?

“Are you conflating things?”

It does seem like it’s all connected. Even if only spiritually. What’s your boss Gavin Williamson up to? Did he order the memes contained?

“Oh that little prick? No. He’s busy shopping for a bigger tarantula. Not a day passes when he doesn’t wake in a sweat remembering what he said to Putin. I’d leave him out of it. He’s making enough trouble for himself.”

Members of the public are requested to notify the MOD the moment they spot any Leave EU memes, just in case one has slipped the net. Do not touch it. Do not comment on it. And whatever you do do not share it. Together we can stop the hatred, but we’ll probably need to stop it being major public policy first.

LCD Views has a breaking report from Heathrow air traffic control that an out of control hot air balloon drifting across the English Channel has been identified as Boris Johnson.

”Shortly after lunch time GMT today reports from aircraft arriving from or flying to the continent stated there was a large, overinflated, unifentified flying object drifting uselessly across the English Channel towards France,” a statement from Heathrow said, “the blueberry coloured object appeared to be direction less and with no capable pilot.”

Heathrow air traffic control enacted emergency security procedures, contacting the RAF who scrambled a pair of Eurofighter Typhoons to intercept, and if necessary, destroy the flying hazard.

”Initial reports from RAF interceptors said the object was a hot air balloon. Further flybys established it was in fact a serving minister of state, Boris Johnson MP for Boris Johnson.”

Even though the danger to aviation was clear, it was decided not to burst the balloon at this time.

”The RAF pilots were instructed to escort Boris Johnson, however his course was so unpredictable and erratic they were unable to track the hot air balloon and had to return to base, having exhausted their fuel.”

All flights to and from Heathrow have been diverted, at great expense, while a decision is made as to what to do about the aviation hazard.

”It’s expected Boris Johnson will shortly make a public statement on Russia, in order to deflect from the shambles of the government, or any other shiny thing that catches his eye.”

This will cause him to deflate enough to descend to the ground, where he will resume his standard role as an obstacle to cross border trade via the roads.

Potatriots are rejoicing over the design of the new blue, potatriotic passports today with the confirmation that the famous British phrase “We got are country back” is to be printed on the front.

“It’s so everyone around the world knows what Brexit means to natural English  speakers when we visit,” Amber Rudd MP, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ travel correspondent,

“well, if we visit. After Brexit the only Brits who will likely be able to afford to go anywhere will be the ones rich enough to purchase an EU27 burgundy passport of course. And senior politicians, like the party leaders pushing it forward.”

Why that phrase in particular though?

“The phrase was chosen as it best symbolises what Brexit means for the people who want it. And importantly, for the people who don’t.”

Yes. What about the people who don’t want to lose decades of accrued rights?

What about the people who think its an outrage you intend to strip away their right to travel freely across an entire continent?

“Do you mind if I ignore that question? Those people don’t really exist anymore. Even if they’re members of Labour.”

Carry on.

“Thanks. We had a bit of difficulty settling on the spelling,” Amber illuminated, “some thought country should be spelt cuntry, but that seemed a little low brow to my mind. Also there was a strong case for spelling back without the c, but I want people to focus on the ‘are’ personally.”

And we’ve heard there are other special features?

“Yes indeed! The cover is to be made from a material that combusts when deprived of oxygen.”

Why is that?

“It’s to stop traitors putting the British blue into burgundy wallets. If they do, they’ll catch fire. In fact any prolonged pressure on the surface will cause it to combust.”

But doesn’t that mean you won’t be able to hold them in immigration queues?

“We hadn’t thought of that.”

Doesn’t it also mean you won’t even be able to ship them?

“Because they’ll catch on fire in the shipping containers?”

Exactly.

“This is why we need to leave the EU. All these overbearing rules and regulations to do with what is and what is not supposed to catch on fire. Minimum rights and all that guff. You’ve just underlined our entire manifesto.”

I don’t see how. I’ve pointed out that there’s a risk ten mile long truck tailbacks at Dover could start burning when we leave the customs union.

“You realise this passport colour change is costing half a billion quid? And that’s just for starters?”

It sounds like money very well spent, if it means we get are country back.

“Oh, it’s just a down payment. You wait until you see how much the commemorative stamps are going to cost. Not to mention the loss of huge pieces of our service sector as a result of leaving the single market.”

I dread to think.

“Ah, now you’re getting in the swing of it. That’s how I get through every waking day now.”

Amber Rudd, thank you for your time.

“Thank you. Now watch me as I deport another academic.”

” Let me make one thing clear, in case I never make anything else clear,” Theresa May told a waiting country today, “Global Britain doesn’t need to be in the European Union’s surplus Galileo navigation programme, as the world revolves around us already.”

The announcement was timely, as some in the country, who perhaps don’t festoon their kitchens with Saint George flags, had begun to fret a little over the United Kingdom missing out on inclusion in the EU’s new navigation project.

“Futhermore,” May futhermored, “Galileo the heretic was patently wrong. The galaxy is clearly not heliocentric, as my government is proving right now with the air miles Liam Fox is generating, the world revolves around Global Britain. Further study even suggests it actually revolves only around the Tory party’s interests.”

This furthermoring was a further welcome relief to everyone in light of Donald Trump’s playful attitude to world trade.

“Once the United Kingdom has successfully Brexit’ed the European Union and Global Britain is free to assume its natural gravity I’ll personally be surprised if the moon doesn’t crash right into us.”

And she wasn’t finished there.

“We know exactly where we are everyday with Brexit, it has made GPS a technology of yesterday,” May added, “All you really need is a compass and a map where everything is pink again. As all roads will lead to London, you’ll simply need to know where London is to navigate. This will make navigation at sea much simpler.”

Not only that, but it will mean Global Britain’s loyal citizens won’t have to worry about falling out of the digital communications agreement and the return of roaming charges.

“No one from Global Britain will be roaming anywhere,” May added, “my government’s economic agenda will see to that. You’re all going to save so much money, you’ll be rich.”

To help everyone understand what is correct now text books on geography and physics are to be rewritten and reissued shortly.

“Each book will also include a special note by my boss Arlene Foster about dinosaurs,” May finished, “so that will be nice.”