Category: Global Britain

LCD Views can report this morning that the population statistics for the United Kingdom have been artificially inflated to 650 million people in order to put us in pole position for future trade deals with lesser countries.

We sent a reluctant reporter along to Steve Baker, famous for bungling ill thought out put up jobs in parliament with living descendant of Vlad the Impaler, Jacob Rees-mogg, to learn more.

”Let me correct you at the start,” man of integrity Steve began, “we haven’t artificially inflated any statistics, the 650 million is now the actual, literal, word thing fact stat published by our colleagues in the Home Office.

It’s a great sign of government working together to give Little Liam and his white elephant of international trade real cred on the international stage. You should actually literally be congratulating us for our clever idea.”

But it’s bullshit.

”Oh my God, they’ve sent a child to interview me!”

Mr Baker laughed scornfully and considered terminating the interview.

”If you’re not going to buy the government line it’s going to stop us making a success of post Brexit dumpster fire Britain. You’re pathetic.”

Okay. Let’s play along. What’s the cause of the sudden jump in the UK’s population?

”It’s not sudden at all. Since the moment of reawakening on the 23rd June 2016 everyone who believes in the U.K. has been shagging like bunnies. We’re in the middle of a massive patriotic population baby boom. It’s why we can send all those foreign types home with no conceivable negative connotations at being perceived as racist.”

Correctly perceived, given government policy and even the official opposition party banging on about ending freedom of movement.

”There you go again! We’re not a racist government. Just visit Nadine Dorries on Twitter to see that. No. No. We just KNOW British born people are exceptional compared to others and we’re making sure everyone knows it.”

You’re killing the country day by day and Labour is helping you.

”After Brexit when we change all the laws you’re going to be arrested. And it won’t matter who is in charge. It might even be me.”

We’ll see about that. What’s the point of artificially inflating the population statistics anyway?

”So we can hand the Japanese their backsides in not only rugger but trade negotiations.

We have to have a larger population than the EU or we’re going to get shafted on a relative worth basis in consideration of trade deals done as a bloc of 500M+.”

This will work how?

”650 is bigger than 500. It’s basic. Just do the math and you’ll see a glorious trading future awaits.”

The “Ultimate boy”, Jeremy ‘I heart Brexit’ Corbyn, is to explain to more than one million university students why losing their birth right of freedom of movement, and being stuck on an island with men upset over ham based teasing, is all part of the “long game”.

“He’s going to do it at Glasto this year when he storms the stage again,” PR man for old Corbs, Mr Jacob Rees-mogg, told us during a morning’s beating about the bush.

“Imagine it, you’ve piled up over £50K worth of debt and there’s no jobs in the UK when you graduate. And now getting across the channel to the EU27 to find work for all that debt is a raft and paddle situation because May and Jezza together forever demanded the UK pull out of the single market. 80% of the economy. There’s clearly no way they would demand such a thing just to keep gammon faced idiots happy and voting for them?”

These are the same gammon that have been merrily screaming in CAPS ‘libtard snowflake cuck you lost get over it!!!,!,,,!!!’ all over social media for years, but now that a tag has stuck to their ideological viewpoint, they can’t handle it?

“Ironic isn’t it. Little gammon flakes.”

So tell us more about Glastonbury this year?

“Well, clearly the Corbynator is going to need an audience of young people like you find in the fields of Glastonbury to explain why losing freedom of movement and being stuck on an island with angry middle aged men and women is all worth it in the service of the long game.”

I’m sure he’s got it all worked out. I mean it makes sense. Why wouldn’t you keep whipping your MPs to either vote with the vilest and least competent Tory administration anyone can remember in order to move hard Brexit closer to reality?

“He’s moved to abstaining with the whip now. It’s very clever. Another long game play. Most voters will be so thick they think abstaining means voting against. Got to hand it to the old campaigner.”

But why not explain the benefits of losing FOM to over a million young people on television? Why choose Glastonbury?

“That’s obvious. In order to swallow it and continue believing in JC the one million plus young people will have to be completely off their collective faces on MDMA.”

Collective is a nice word.

“Yes. It goes well with farm. And that’s why we need to help Theresa May catastrophically limit the freedom of movement of everyone. Once we end freedom of movement for EU27 nationals to keep the gammon happy, who’s going to till the soils of mighty England if we let our young get away?”

Social media platforms are buzzing today with the amazing news that the government of the United Kingdom is to host a summit later this year just so smaller countries vying to join the European Union can get together and laugh at us.

“This is Global Britain Empire 2.0 in action,” Liam ‘airmiles’ Fox told LCD Views from the gold lounge in terminal 7, Heathrow, shortly before jetting off to sell more bombs to dictators, “we don’t need membership of the EU for prosperity, not while people far away are determined to bomb the sh*t out of each other, but smaller countries without highly developed arms industries most certainly do.”

So we’re doing it from a standpoint of credibility?

“Yes. We’re a proper example of why membership of the European Union is desirable in an interconnected world with massive tax dodging individuals and multinationals vying to take over countries with a reputation for rule of law from behind the scenes, just so they can undermine the rule of law and get even richer. It’s what Brexit is about.”

And what talks or classes we will put on for these lucky little start up democracies?

“We’re going to hold classes on democratic accountability, how to milk the teat of the taxpayer till it bleeds while in office and just how lucky do you have to be to have an economy that has bombs and the creation of mass refugee situations at its heart, but a dangerous amount of water separating you from the problem when it arises, while having elected an institutionally racist government. What a jackpot for the UK in the time of Tories in power. It’s going to be a fun packed summit.”

Who’s coming to it?

“Smaller countries from the Balkans and wherever else. I didn’t read the detail. We’ll include the attendees in the latest immigration statistics and deport them before the summit closes as further evidence of why getting into the EU is good. Human rights, well, it’s for others now of course.”

Global Britain on show. Stocking up on laughs to export to the world. Get in there and giggle!

LCD Views’ navigation correspondent reports this morning that the biggest spoon in the Tory cabinet has announced that the UK is to spend three billion pounds developing its own GPS satellite in a fit of pique.

“This is outrageous,” the shiny piece of cutlery told us, “I’m not the biggest spoon in the cabinet draw. Boris is. Or maybe Davis. Or maybe the prime minister. Or even the new kid Sajid, give him time. Me? You’ve seen how I took on Putin with playground chat. I’m a man. I own a spider.”

But regardless of who is the biggest spoon in a jammed drawer which features no knives or forks, UK Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson is still intent on spending three billion pounds on a satellite system that will takes years to build and be done without the cooperation of the countries we’ve just spent more than fifteen years developing the EU’s system, Galileo, with.

“I admit I stack up like a good spoon with the rest of them,” Mr Williamson mused, “you should see us playing sardines in the cupboard at Chequers. Shape is very important if you want to jam spoons into a tight space.”

He went on like this for some time.

We interrupted to ask if there were any other ways we could spend three billions pounds, perhaps by not blowing decades of international cooperation out of the water and spend the money on strained public services at home?

“And you think I shouldn’t be trusted with a knife and fork!” he hit back, “if we don’t waste money as fast as possible while delivering the best Brexit possible, then it’ll be harder to justify privatising whatever is left when we have made a success of Brexit.

What will the offshore interests funding this neocon coup say then? Seriously, just go away and shut up or I’ll insult you again.”

Mr Williamson called us up later to add,

“I”m very shiny. You should see me when I’m polished.”

LCD Views was shocked, stunned, taken aback and then given aforward by the most recent ONS figures. The construction industry in the United Kingdom appears to have more than man flu (and we know what that means) and the economy overall has slowed to, in technical terms ‘just a bit better than shit’. And don’t mention the outflow of investment. Where could it go next?

We decided to talk to one of the Francis Drake’s of our proud, buccaneering country, set free once again to privateer on the high seas, and find out what he made of it all.

He was in the middle of an important work call when we arrived, so we sat politely in a guest chair, that was interestingly very low to the floor, while our man’s was a much bigger chair. What could it mean?

“I spoke to Liam Fox and he says it’s alright,” David Davis, aka Francis Drake, said into his work phone, “we can just roll over the bar tab at the commons till next month.”

We knew it was his work phone because someone had helpfully written ‘work phone’ on some tape and then stuck that to the phone.

“No. No. There’s no chance the bar staff will refuse to serve any of us just because we haven’t settled up in months. It’s just a technical problem,” he continued, “look, talk to Liam. He knows all about this stuff. I’m too busy wrestling with old Barnier. Okay. Yes. Lock in session tomorrow night. You’re on. Be there for lunch and we’ll just push through. Ha!”

He replaced the work phone and turned to us.

“Make it snappy,” he ordered in a very boss way, “I’ve got to go to the tailor’s in ten minutes and get fitted out for asbestos underwear.”

Certainly minister. Who is your tailor?

“Some chap who’s in the process of bankrupting Boris. Now what is it?”

Well, we’re just a little bit worried that project fear is becoming project fact? And all those blithe types who decided Brexit was all great because the UK didn’t fall off a cliff immediately, as it takes time to lose momentum and fail, maybe in for a shock? You know, time and tide and all that.

“Look. Chaotic economic collapse is just Global Britain’s opening negotiating position. This is all going to plan. Brexit is supposed to be a calamity.”

I see. And what comes after that?

“We’ll mix it up with the big boys of the global economy with imagination and seamless exceptionalism. They’ll give us what we want because we’re British and everyone around the world remembers the Empire.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to work out how I got this fork stuck in my head while I was eating lunch.”

Thank you for your time minister.

“You couldn’t give it a tug, could you? Steer clear of the pointy end.”

A woman in a position of some influence has spoken to one of our award winning political correspondents today to explain how she experienced a damascene conversion regarding Brexit.

“You are aware I’m only answering the questions I pre-approved?” she said at the beginning of the interview, “if you try and ask me anything I have not had the pat phrase pre-installed as a reply to, I’ll freeze up and then you’ll have to reboot me.”

We know. We know. It’s okay. We read every instruction manual before talking to a government minister.

“Good. Just ignore the blue screens behind my pupils if they pop up. A member of the IT staff will pop in and turn me off and on again. Now, what’s your question?”

“We were mostly interested in how you went from being a supporter of remaining in the European Union to someone who isn’t now. You spoke several times of the clear and present dangers that leaving entailed.

But then once the con artists behind Leave successfully rigged, lied, micro targeted with stolen data susceptible and credulous voters, allegedly broke election laws by funnelling money into puppet companies, and to top it all off, drove a giant lie around the country on a bus, overnight you became a Brexiter?

“The answer is very straight forward.”

Please tell.

“The moment I understood I could deport three million people, and forcibly, well, I just had to go for it,” she smiled.

So you admit to having, shall we say, every so slightly racist instincts?

“Have you seen what we’ve been up to with the Windrush generations? Oh my God! How could you even ask me that? Where have you been?”

I’ve been right here living through your time in office.

“Do you have the papers to prove it?”

I thought you were supposed to have suddenly stopped all that and become very mad at the people who started it?

“Sorry. Old habits and all that. It’s a shame really. The hostile environment is my pet ‘long game’.

Becoming prime minister on a Brexit ticket looked so promising.

I could really exercise my deep antipathy to anyone who didn’t look like they were born in an English village. Foreigners are just so suspicious, don’t you find?

Still, let’s not give up now hey? We’ve got the official opposition backing Brexit with us and committed to leaving the single market, just like us. Freedom of movement is as good as dead in the water. We may get another swing on the mass deportation wicket.”

LCD Views reports with deep alarm this morning the call from a leading Brexiter to replace Saint George as the patron saint of England after Brexit with a proper British saint.

“He’s an immigrant, isn’t he?” a member of the ERG group told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity. “You won’t leak this whatsapp chat, will you? I’ll have you if you do. I’ll dedicate myself to taking away your freedom of movement to move across an entire continent so I can better control the conditions you work under and crush your rights for my personal financial gain.”

Can we stick to Saint George please? We’re your back channel to the world on the issue.

“Fine. Saint George definitely entered the country illegally. The Home Office has recently changed the rules regarding documentation required to enter the United Kingdom in the 14th century and it’s highly unlikely this so called saint has the required paperwork.

He should be found, detained without trial, forced to pay for a legal defence he wouldn’t need if we hadn’t changed the rules to change his legal status, knowing he couldn’t provide the necessary documentation. We’ve also reduced dramatically legal aid, but that’s just a coincidence.

After this we should deport him to anywhere. He’s been identified as an undesired class, because he’s an immigrant, and not English by birth, and we should transport him and dump him as far away as possible, just like we used to do with starving lower orders in the 18th and 19th century. Some people are born wrong and you can’t cure them, you just need to surgically remove them from society to improve it.”

Can we surgically remove you?

“Excuse me?”

Nothing. But King Edward III invited Saint George to come to England and work as our patron saint. It’s not fair to change the rules now to throw him out.

“How much does this Saint George cost the public purse now? He’s well past retirement age. What use is he?”

Are you even human?

“I think so. I have a birth certificate, somewhere. Although I admit many people are starting to doubt it.”

Okay. So who would you suggest replaces the globe trotting, most international of saints?

“Saint Del Boy. Saint Theresa of Barking (mad). Jacob Rees-mogg the deliverer of common people from their rights. There’s any number of proper, British born magical thinkers who could do the job right. Just not someone not born in England. What has an immigrant ever done for us? Saint Theresa asked me that the other day. I couldn’t answer. Can you?”

Yes.

The people of Earth have voted to leave the solar system. Triumphant Leavers have declared that the Earth, finally, will be free to decide its own destiny.

“This decision is out of this world!” gushed campaigner Newton Fouledupp. “Never again will the Earth be subject to the so-called laws of gravity imposed upon the planet by the undemocratic Sun.”

According to Fouledupp, the Earth will be free to make a deal with any Star it chooses. “Much better than our current, restricted position,” he said. “We have literally been going round in circles for years.”

“In fact, we believe that gravity is just a ruse to keep us in our place,” he continued. “We got are plannit back!”

Opposition to the vote has been raised. “The Leavers told us lies,” claimed pro-orbital spokesman Ellie Psis. “Half the world’s population has been kept in the dark.”

Miss Psis raised the issue of the Moon. “As an exo-planet, it was not eligible to vote,” she claimed. “No provision has been made for the moon at all. It’s lunacy!”

The Loonies are believed to be in secret negotiations with the solar system for satellite rights. “We are after dwarf planet status, like Pluto,” said a spokesClanger. “We want to protect our trade in space junk and blue string soup.”

Meanwhile, Fouledupp declared that there was a bad atmosphere in the solar system. “No atmosphere is better than a bad atmosphere,” he claimed. Unsurprising given that most planetary atmospheres comprise hydrogen, methane and sulphur.

“They need us more than we need them,” he continued. “Without the Earth, Jupiter, Saturn and the rest will simply fall from the sky and the Sun will be revealed for what it is: just a lot of hot air.”

Many problems remain. No satisfactory alternative to the Sun has been proposed, nor has any workable solution to the Lunar Border issue been forthcoming. No matter. All that matters is that we are Leaving.

The Home Office sought to get back into the public’s good books today by revealing their new and out of this world points based migrant worker scheme.

“We were hoping to keep it under wraps till after Brexit, but that little fuss about some landing cards has meant we’ve had to push our plan to replace costly, human rights hungry EU27 workers, and all those we’ve deported illegally on the quiet, to the front of the news cycle,” revealed Jacob Rees-mogg MP, a synthetic human who makes synthesised speech like sounds by way of an old moog synth he’s had installed where his voice box should be, told LCD Views.

“Our new plan is the result of flexible and imaginative thinking and doesn’t have any of the tedious fuss relating to human rights and paying people a living wage. No data privacy hassles and gets right around the new anti-tax haven laws the tyrannical EU are forcing upon Britain because we’ll never stop taking dodgy kleptomanic cash on our own,” he added, “it seems some people have a very imaginative idea of what a human is. But not myself and my working group the Borg.”

Under the new plan the British space industry will receive a massive boost as the government is to provide a £350M per week cash incentive to bankroll any business that successfully identifies alien life that can be convinced to come and work cheaply in the United Kingdom after Brexit, on the assurance that we’ll look after them equal to white people who live in the counties and vote Tory.

“We’re going to need to replace the ageing workforce somehow, at least until the replicants of UKIP voters are produced,” Rees-mogg added, “the reputation of Global Britain as a place to work seems to have suffered unfairly due to a conspiracy by left wing rabble rousers politicising the Windrush scandal, just at what was really the most inconvenient moment [he means while the Commonwealth heads of government are in town].”

It seems the Home Office, in conjunction with “emerging market” specialist Rees-mogg, is hoping that a workforce of off planet variety may still be willing to be enticed to come and work in Global Britain, as no one else will now, and trust their rights will be protected even after the likes of Jacob and all the other fancy xenophobes have decided they’re now an expendable group and should be kicked out.

“It has the added advantage,” Rees-mogg explained, “not only won’t they know what we’re like, unlike earth based life forms now, but freedom of movement won’t have to be on the table either, due to the distances involved.”

While Jacob and his colleagues in government are sure the plan is a success in the making, critics have raised a few doubts about the feasibility.

“Firstly, alien planets with life forms sentient enough to work for disaster capitalists on the cheap will have been receiving our television broadcasts for decades and will probably have decided to never talk to us now that reality tv is a thing,” one added, “and they’ve seen what a basket case of scat flinging idiots QT now is. Secondly, if they can communicate with us we’re bloody sure they won’t be stupid enough to believe a word any pro-Brexit Conservative or Labour politician says. It might be best to start facing economic realities at home and just stop with the racist government policies.”

That critic was later accused of being a traitor who doesn’t understand democracy, of undermining the leader and being an enemy to the people.

LCD Views can report today after an exhaustive global survey that the Brexit dividend has been revealed to be the whole world believing the United Kingdom is now a bunch of incompetent and racist twats.

“It’s really going to help old Liam ‘airmiles’ Fox nail down those free trade deals with tiny countries,” Doctor Liam Fox said, referring to himself in the third person, “you don’t mind if I talk about Liam as if he’s someone else do you? I’m trying to put some distance between Liam and myself for when the crap hits the old fan. It’s a big fan!”

Please do. Why don’t you catch a flight and really put miles between you and Doctor Liam Fox?

“Liam would love that! The only thing he likes more than taxpayer funded business class plane tickets for zero public gain is checking behind curtains for friends!”

Now, back to the Brexit dividend?

“Well, it was really there in the EU referendum campaign. The country voting by an overwhelming mandate of sod all percent in an advisory referendum, which had no super majority because a, people weren’t supposed to be so thick as to vote for it and b, parliament was expected to act like a representative parliament even after it, the people backing Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard gave everyone the heads up.

Then the government goes “Brexit means Brexit!”. And the whole world knew what Brexit meant…but May had to say that because old Corbs, that sly dog, had already stolen a march on her by calling for article 50 to be invoked the moment the referendum result was announced! In spite of all the racism sticking to Brexit. Pretty amazing work even for a man whose understanding of Europe is stuck back when Jacob Rees-mogg was being fitted for his first monocle.”

And I under recent events have only served to underline the perception of the UK now, as revealed by our survey?

“Yep. The Windrush scandal. What a shot between the eyes for compassionate conservatism that is. On top of all the other policies we’ve brought in which have made for a hostile environment for not just immigrants, but the sick and the disabled and the unemployed. And don’t forget, the same immigration nightmare is facing other communities too. It really could be our legacy.”

Well all this will only make your work easier.

“Liam is really chuffed. He’s out and about going ‘Global Britain’ and ‘Empire 2.0’ at everyone, give us your cash and keep your people, we don’t want them unless they went to kindergarten with Theresa. This immigration scandal will just help everyone remember that a lot of the time was spent shooting their ancestors and taking their goodies. If we’re to do all that again we really do need to fill up some slums with unemployed men with rickets that we can put into red coats and cardboard boots.”

You’re well on the way to achieving that with your slow and certain destruction of the NHS.

“Liam is a winner. And Liam’s friends are winners. We’re really nice people, just a little dim.”

We know Liam and the longer we have a government committed to Brexit and an official opposition leader committed to Brexit, the more the world knows it too. Thank you for your time.

“Liam wants a lollipop. Liam helped get are country back.”