Category: Global Britain

LCD Views reports with deep alarm this morning the call from a leading Brexiter to replace Saint George as the patron saint of England after Brexit with a proper British saint.

“He’s an immigrant, isn’t he?” a member of the ERG group told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity. “You won’t leak this whatsapp chat, will you? I’ll have you if you do. I’ll dedicate myself to taking away your freedom of movement to move across an entire continent so I can better control the conditions you work under and crush your rights for my personal financial gain.”

Can we stick to Saint George please? We’re your back channel to the world on the issue.

“Fine. Saint George definitely entered the country illegally. The Home Office has recently changed the rules regarding documentation required to enter the United Kingdom in the 14th century and it’s highly unlikely this so called saint has the required paperwork.

He should be found, detained without trial, forced to pay for a legal defence he wouldn’t need if we hadn’t changed the rules to change his legal status, knowing he couldn’t provide the necessary documentation. We’ve also reduced dramatically legal aid, but that’s just a coincidence.

After this we should deport him to anywhere. He’s been identified as an undesired class, because he’s an immigrant, and not English by birth, and we should transport him and dump him as far away as possible, just like we used to do with starving lower orders in the 18th and 19th century. Some people are born wrong and you can’t cure them, you just need to surgically remove them from society to improve it.”

Can we surgically remove you?

“Excuse me?”

Nothing. But King Edward III invited Saint George to come to England and work as our patron saint. It’s not fair to change the rules now to throw him out.

“How much does this Saint George cost the public purse now? He’s well past retirement age. What use is he?”

Are you even human?

“I think so. I have a birth certificate, somewhere. Although I admit many people are starting to doubt it.”

Okay. So who would you suggest replaces the globe trotting, most international of saints?

“Saint Del Boy. Saint Theresa of Barking (mad). Jacob Rees-mogg the deliverer of common people from their rights. There’s any number of proper, British born magical thinkers who could do the job right. Just not someone not born in England. What has an immigrant ever done for us? Saint Theresa asked me that the other day. I couldn’t answer. Can you?”

Yes.

The people of Earth have voted to leave the solar system. Triumphant Leavers have declared that the Earth, finally, will be free to decide its own destiny.

“This decision is out of this world!” gushed campaigner Newton Fouledupp. “Never again will the Earth be subject to the so-called laws of gravity imposed upon the planet by the undemocratic Sun.”

According to Fouledupp, the Earth will be free to make a deal with any Star it chooses. “Much better than our current, restricted position,” he said. “We have literally been going round in circles for years.”

“In fact, we believe that gravity is just a ruse to keep us in our place,” he continued. “We got are plannit back!”

Opposition to the vote has been raised. “The Leavers told us lies,” claimed pro-orbital spokesman Ellie Psis. “Half the world’s population has been kept in the dark.”

Miss Psis raised the issue of the Moon. “As an exo-planet, it was not eligible to vote,” she claimed. “No provision has been made for the moon at all. It’s lunacy!”

The Loonies are believed to be in secret negotiations with the solar system for satellite rights. “We are after dwarf planet status, like Pluto,” said a spokesClanger. “We want to protect our trade in space junk and blue string soup.”

Meanwhile, Fouledupp declared that there was a bad atmosphere in the solar system. “No atmosphere is better than a bad atmosphere,” he claimed. Unsurprising given that most planetary atmospheres comprise hydrogen, methane and sulphur.

“They need us more than we need them,” he continued. “Without the Earth, Jupiter, Saturn and the rest will simply fall from the sky and the Sun will be revealed for what it is: just a lot of hot air.”

Many problems remain. No satisfactory alternative to the Sun has been proposed, nor has any workable solution to the Lunar Border issue been forthcoming. No matter. All that matters is that we are Leaving.

The Home Office sought to get back into the public’s good books today by revealing their new and out of this world points based migrant worker scheme.

“We were hoping to keep it under wraps till after Brexit, but that little fuss about some landing cards has meant we’ve had to push our plan to replace costly, human rights hungry EU27 workers, and all those we’ve deported illegally on the quiet, to the front of the news cycle,” revealed Jacob Rees-mogg MP, a synthetic human who makes synthesised speech like sounds by way of an old moog synth he’s had installed where his voice box should be, told LCD Views.

“Our new plan is the result of flexible and imaginative thinking and doesn’t have any of the tedious fuss relating to human rights and paying people a living wage. No data privacy hassles and gets right around the new anti-tax haven laws the tyrannical EU are forcing upon Britain because we’ll never stop taking dodgy kleptomanic cash on our own,” he added, “it seems some people have a very imaginative idea of what a human is. But not myself and my working group the Borg.”

Under the new plan the British space industry will receive a massive boost as the government is to provide a £350M per week cash incentive to bankroll any business that successfully identifies alien life that can be convinced to come and work cheaply in the United Kingdom after Brexit, on the assurance that we’ll look after them equal to white people who live in the counties and vote Tory.

“We’re going to need to replace the ageing workforce somehow, at least until the replicants of UKIP voters are produced,” Rees-mogg added, “the reputation of Global Britain as a place to work seems to have suffered unfairly due to a conspiracy by left wing rabble rousers politicising the Windrush scandal, just at what was really the most inconvenient moment [he means while the Commonwealth heads of government are in town].”

It seems the Home Office, in conjunction with “emerging market” specialist Rees-mogg, is hoping that a workforce of off planet variety may still be willing to be enticed to come and work in Global Britain, as no one else will now, and trust their rights will be protected even after the likes of Jacob and all the other fancy xenophobes have decided they’re now an expendable group and should be kicked out.

“It has the added advantage,” Rees-mogg explained, “not only won’t they know what we’re like, unlike earth based life forms now, but freedom of movement won’t have to be on the table either, due to the distances involved.”

While Jacob and his colleagues in government are sure the plan is a success in the making, critics have raised a few doubts about the feasibility.

“Firstly, alien planets with life forms sentient enough to work for disaster capitalists on the cheap will have been receiving our television broadcasts for decades and will probably have decided to never talk to us now that reality tv is a thing,” one added, “and they’ve seen what a basket case of scat flinging idiots QT now is. Secondly, if they can communicate with us we’re bloody sure they won’t be stupid enough to believe a word any pro-Brexit Conservative or Labour politician says. It might be best to start facing economic realities at home and just stop with the racist government policies.”

That critic was later accused of being a traitor who doesn’t understand democracy, of undermining the leader and being an enemy to the people.

LCD Views can report today after an exhaustive global survey that the Brexit dividend has been revealed to be the whole world believing the United Kingdom is now a bunch of incompetent and racist twats.

“It’s really going to help old Liam ‘airmiles’ Fox nail down those free trade deals with tiny countries,” Doctor Liam Fox said, referring to himself in the third person, “you don’t mind if I talk about Liam as if he’s someone else do you? I’m trying to put some distance between Liam and myself for when the crap hits the old fan. It’s a big fan!”

Please do. Why don’t you catch a flight and really put miles between you and Doctor Liam Fox?

“Liam would love that! The only thing he likes more than taxpayer funded business class plane tickets for zero public gain is checking behind curtains for friends!”

Now, back to the Brexit dividend?

“Well, it was really there in the EU referendum campaign. The country voting by an overwhelming mandate of sod all percent in an advisory referendum, which had no super majority because a, people weren’t supposed to be so thick as to vote for it and b, parliament was expected to act like a representative parliament even after it, the people backing Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard gave everyone the heads up.

Then the government goes “Brexit means Brexit!”. And the whole world knew what Brexit meant…but May had to say that because old Corbs, that sly dog, had already stolen a march on her by calling for article 50 to be invoked the moment the referendum result was announced! In spite of all the racism sticking to Brexit. Pretty amazing work even for a man whose understanding of Europe is stuck back when Jacob Rees-mogg was being fitted for his first monocle.”

And I under recent events have only served to underline the perception of the UK now, as revealed by our survey?

“Yep. The Windrush scandal. What a shot between the eyes for compassionate conservatism that is. On top of all the other policies we’ve brought in which have made for a hostile environment for not just immigrants, but the sick and the disabled and the unemployed. And don’t forget, the same immigration nightmare is facing other communities too. It really could be our legacy.”

Well all this will only make your work easier.

“Liam is really chuffed. He’s out and about going ‘Global Britain’ and ‘Empire 2.0’ at everyone, give us your cash and keep your people, we don’t want them unless they went to kindergarten with Theresa. This immigration scandal will just help everyone remember that a lot of the time was spent shooting their ancestors and taking their goodies. If we’re to do all that again we really do need to fill up some slums with unemployed men with rickets that we can put into red coats and cardboard boots.”

You’re well on the way to achieving that with your slow and certain destruction of the NHS.

“Liam is a winner. And Liam’s friends are winners. We’re really nice people, just a little dim.”

We know Liam and the longer we have a government committed to Brexit and an official opposition leader committed to Brexit, the more the world knows it too. Thank you for your time.

“Liam wants a lollipop. Liam helped get are country back.”

BREAKING NEWS from central London this morning after an underground carriage was declared a hostile environment after the gatekeeper and key master met.

Commuters are being warned to keep well back until a team of specialist ‘idiot separaters’ can track down the travelling encounter and put a stop to it.

”The encounter is deeply worrying,” said everyone watching, nearby, living in the country the union is occurring in, or watching from abroad, except collectors of certain WW2 memorabilia,

“when you think of the innate dislike for ‘others’ in the marrow of both supernaturally charged idiots, the result of a union between them is anyone’s guess.

Throw in the almost magical power of imperial nostalgia they’ve been cursed with. It’s as nauseating as it is scary. It’s likely they’ll release malignant forces that most thought under control.”

It’s thought the duo, who together compromise the force of ageing and blinkered little englanders on one side and actual government on the other, are hoping to cast the country under a rule of darkness.

Fears mostly centre on what might happen to public policy.

”It will be very bad to anyone who is incapable of remembering that the empire was a thing people tried to free themselves from and eventually did,” said anyone who paid the slightest attention,

“Then it will be bad for everyone else, as they’ll seek to reduce the status of one group after another.”

Vans are expected to begin appearing on the streets, driven by servants of darkness, to signal what is expected of people.

”Mostly that anyone not born in the gatekeeper’s village F off back to where they came from.

The churning hatred inside the pair will make that easier by burning important records giving them legitimacy on immigration rules. Then they’ll change the rules and demand those bits of paper or tell people to live in fear and uncertainty interminably.”

Devious. Like a cruel spell.

”It’s going to be a bit of a ride. When nasty, blinkered people get great power, it tends to turn everything to shit.

And when you think the ultimate master of the gatekeeper and the key master is tax havens and asset burning hard right ideologies. It’s a scary vision of the future.”

So are they planning a ceremony?

”Oh, the portal to enteral darkness is already open, we’re only now really seeing what’s coming out of it. It’s not nice. And given how fanatically evil it is, it’s also curiously incompetent.”

While the situation unfolds people are encouraged to avoid the vicinity of the two, just until we can work out what the hell is going on.

”Whatever you do don’t open your fridge door on your own until the power of nasty, inward focused sentimentality and government can be separated and consigned to the history bin like a too long ignored pre-bagged salad.”

The Windrush scandal, smouldering under the surface for years and now fully ablaze in Westminster, has forced a crack team of taxpayer funded policy makers back to the drawing board for the answer to how to deport three million people after Brexit.

”Clearly we have classes of people in the United Kingdom that are undesirables,” chief policy maker Theresa May told LCD Views, “and those are retired and not white, although in time they will be retired and white too.”

It seems the settled method since some mysterious woman, yet to be identified, became Home Office Secretary was to make life as miserable as possible.

”I can’t say at the moment how the human hating policies were dreamt up,” Theresa said, “that person must be certifiable!”

Although she could see why.

”Clearly a method for dealing with such people who have abruptly stopped contributing to society after decades is to get rid of them. Actually anyone who doesn’t read the Express and wasn’t born in little England needs to go. But quietly. Without recourse or press attention.”

So the principles established by convict transportation to Australia in the late 18th and early 19th century still hold good?

”They do in my book,” Theresa replied, “settled status means settled status.”

This may raise some issues for Brexit negotiations too?

”Yes! How can I con the hell out of Barnier if we all now see what global Britain really means? I mean, we must find a way to boot out the three million EU citizens after they retire or Brexit won’t really mean Brexit.”

Back to the drawing board then?

”Yes. And for the rest of you, if any of you know who that crazed fool was who commissioned frankly horrid vans to drive around the country in 2012 telling people to F off, please be good enough to keep it to yourself.”

LCD Views can report on a helpful leg up for Doctor Liam Fox in his global trade mission today as the Home Office has begun deporting Commonwealth born citizens as brand advocates for Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’s really put the wind under my wings and given me a rush to have a joint initiative with my colleagues at the Home Office,” Dr Fox told us, “to think in just a few years we’ll likely be peers today as well, once we fly off to our well earned rest as Conservative Lords.”

Under the new strategy anyone who came to the United Kingdom as a minor and who hasn’t kept the ticket stub to prove they did it by boat or plane, and not illegally by levitation, is to be rounded up and forced back to the countries of their birth.

The scheme is expected to be rolled out after this test phase to other groups who also legally arrived, often by invitation from a country eager for fit, young people, but who now doesn’t like anyone not born in a shire so much, and wants the world to know it.

“I have suggested we get Nigel Farage to redo his famous breaking point poster, only this time with other groups,” Doctor Fox said, “just to make sure the world really gets what Britain and Brexit means.”

And Doctor Fox has other ideas they don’t involve curtains too.

”I was expecting I’d probably only achieve a Guinness Book of World Records entry for most business class air miles earned at public expense while achieving sod all,” Doctor Fox mused, “but with HMG competing with President Trump across the pond to make racism a guiding light in immigration policy, well, I’m going to have a lot of free publicity for Global Britain’s brand in so many Commonwealth countries I want to do a free trade deal with after Brexit.”

LCD Views thinks Doctor Fox is indeed lucky, to have some many chums to give him a leg up the ladder, in spite of his ability.

”That goes for the entire cabinet currently, pretty much,” he adds, “it explains all these wonderful policies. Competence. What is it and how do you avoid it?”

Although we perceive some risk of the kick out anyone a kipper hates policy backfiring, given a few of the targeted individuals may at some point negotiate the telephone books of paperwork, and stump up the fees needed to process documents resulting from rule changes decades after people settled in the UK and were allowed to do so.

“It’s a good warm up,” Doctor Fox finished, “for when we start screwing around EU27 citizens even harder while shouting at the EU to give us cake. Bargain chips. That’s what we see when we see people.”

Best of luck Global Britain, you’ll need it.

 

The Home Office has thrilled everyone today with the announcement that the lettering on the covers of the new blue patriotic passports is to be printed in ink made from iron pyrite.

“It was a tough call,” Ms 500M Pounds told LCD Views, “we had thought about ritually slaughtering a unicorn and making ink out of its blood, but we went with the fools gold in the end.”

Why? Surely a unicorn, as it features on the coat of arms, would have been more appropriate? Especially in the context of the reasons for spending half a billion quid changing the colour of passports to a colour we could have had anyway?

“It was a real shock to all of us,” Ms 500M answered, “but we couldn’t actually locate a unicorn for the purpose.”

But politicians are promising unicorns now for pretty much everything going, surely you could have just taken an incy wincy bit of blood from one of those?

“Are you sitting down?”

Yes. I always sit when interviewing fictional characters.

“Unicorns don’t exist.”

Get out of here.

“Seriously,” Ms 500M was adamant, “I should know as I’ve just finished overseeing a study into their habitats, feeding patterns, reproductive cycles, best way to catch and tame etc. Unicorn farming is a cornerstone of all future policy. It was a bloody shock to discover they aren’t real.”

So what are you going to do?

“Buggered if I know,” Ms 500M replied, “spend money hand over fist and hope something magical happens is the most likely course of action.”

Maybe you could start replacing unicorns with iron pyrites all over the shop?

“Now that’s the sort of advice we pay well for. Do you want a job as a consultant at DExEU?”

How long would I have to stay for?

“Not long. No one does.”

A family in an endlessly war torn part of the world has today expressed its gratitude that it’s only local elections happening in the United Kingdom on May 3rd.

“Some may call us ungrateful for the attention we’ve recently received from the world’s pillars of democracy,” one member of the family said, “but hey, everyone likes their fifteen minutes of fame once a year.”

The family was speaking after the Friday night bombing raid on Syrian chemical weapons facilities and stock piles. While pleased that Assad’s capabilities in this area may have been temporarily downgraded, they were still left with some niggling doubts about the motivations behind the coalition of the willing’s actions.

“It’s okay to blow up civilians here or in Yemen with conventional weaponry?” they wanted to know, “but it’s not okay to gas us? That’s when limited action is taken? It does seem a bit cynical. If you were really concerned presumably you’d be committed full time to bring an end to the conflict?”

They did go on to say they were pleased that the military industrial complex had a playground though.

“Everyone thought Eisenhower was a bit loopy when he made his big goodbye speech in the fifties, warning of the commercial push for endless war,” the representative of the family commented, while lugging a small child for miles down a bomb cratered road, “but I suspect he’s been shown to be very much on the mark. Much like a laser guided missile. How much do they cost again?”

Still, at least the action is only limited.

“It plays into everyone’s hands,” the family said, “most of the leaders involved need a PR win. It’s a little curious on the part of May and Trump, given their attitudes to refugees. It’s also a little curious from the stop the war group, as I don’t recall them protesting the barrel bombing of my home or the other mass drops of conventional munitions by Assad and Putin? Still, everyone has busy lives, so you get involved when it suits I suppose.”

They hope to have a little rest now.

“It’s probably just as well the United Kingdom only has local elections coming up on May 3rd. God only knows how much your government would care about us if it was a general election!”

BBC Radio 4 is to counter accusations of bias against Brexit by John Humphrys reading out a Daily Mail in its entirety, with special commentary provided by experts from The Sun and The Telegraph.

”We were hoping Katie Hopkins or Nigel Farage could provide the specialist commentary, but they’re busy flogging their wares in America,” Radio 4 unbiased media specialist, S Sands, told LCD Views, “but happily a gaggle of tabloid op ed rent a gobs will be on hand to fulfil that role.”

But why was Humphrys chosen for the honour and not Kate Hoey MP?

”John loves to read out the Daily Mail when he’s on shift in the mornings. It sets up the inevitable pro-gammon interview with stinky Tory cheese wheel Iain Duncan Smith wonderfully,” S Sands replied, “there wasn’t really a contest. Wikipedia may have decided the Fail isn’t a reliable or credible news source, but not our cuddly old Humpy.”

And we hear particular attention has been paid to the music to accompany the reading?

”Yes. We’ve had a sound team on the seaside in Thanet recording screeching seagulls to accompany the reading. That and the sound of axes grinding will be a perfect foil for the childlike folly of the tabloid paper.”

And what response do you give to critics of the decision to broadcast this special?

”Do they need a response?”

Maybe. Very many people won’t be happy with the decision, we expect, you’re not even balancing it out with a reading of The Observer or Indy.

”So? Those critics are likely to not have voted to deliver an overwhelming mandate to ruin the country. It’s not the BBC’s role to give them a voice.”

S Sands thank you for your time. We look forward to downloading Humphrys full throttle reading the Daily Mail, cutting out the commentary and spamming it across social media very soon.

”You’re welcome. Consider it a public service.”

Like Sands through the hourglass…

”Excuse me?”