Category: Global Britain

Global Britain is on the march (-ing powder) with the latest genius wheeze from the creators of open borders, no one ever said anything about controlling them Brexit U.K.

”When we said take back control of our borders we actually meant open ourselves up like the most clueless debutant at a coming out ball jammed full of vampyres looking for a neck to suck,” junior home Office Minister Mr Feckin’ Clueless told LCD Views,

“think of the bargains you’ll get on guns, drugs, cheap labour now we’ve introduced an honour system for Dover?

”I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before! Stocks in organised crime are already booming. Of course Brexit is organised crime, but now we’re opening up the opportunity to people who don’t have money in tax havens to cash in too. People who just want to have a good time and forget about how we’re shafting the country senseless.”

The new policy, which relies on trust from importers, is not only a boon for organised crime, but will mean cheaper nights out for all scallywags.

”I think it’s safe to say this is a key part of our strategy to win back the support of professional twentysomethings and youth in general too,” the addled minister added

“once upwardly mobile professionals realise that they’re chances of retiring in the Mediterranean maybe stuffed by Brexit, but they can score buckets of white goods for half the price they were on March 28th, they’ll be back voting Tory before you know it.”

The only potential snag in the problem is if French customs officials decide to increase checks at Calais for goods coming into the U.K.

”I wouldn’t worry about that,” Mr Feckin’ Clueless MP said, “the diplomatic tour de force currently being waged by Theresa May’s government will ensure all trucks are fully checked in at least one direction.”

The offices of Seaborne Ferries (they don’t seem to have an office, they just have lots of taxpayer cash) were cock-a-hoop today with the announcement that they will be handed an additional £14m of taxpayer’s money to import a new range of edible clothing from the sweatshops of North Korea.

This is an additional measure by the Department of Transport as transport tzar Chris Grayling does his bit to prepare the UK for Brexit.

“It’s genius really,” Mr Takit Enran, VP of Cross-purposes at Seaborne, told us, “I mean, all those years little Kim Jong-un grew up watching the peasants starving, he must have known there was a light bulb moment out there somewhere. He and Grayling are soul brothers. I’m sure of it.”

And there was a light bulb moment waiting.

Reportedly, after watching a starving family strip the last leaves off the last tree in their yard, in their five minute break from singing about how wonderful life is in North Korea now that Donald Trump is Kim’s bitch, Kim felt inspiration strike, when he saw them tearing up strips of their shirt and stirring it into the pot.

“Imagine the scene, mid-winter, halfway up a mountain on a government controlled slogan farm, somewhere in Berkshire, the snow is piled up, your family is hungry, but you’ve greedily woofed down the last bowl of proper British noodles, delivered by some terrified cadets a week ago. What next to eat? Well, your clothes are made of cotton and cotton is a plant and plants are edible…”

Now Brits can benefit from Global Britain’s trade negotiating might, even before we’ve left the struggling corner shop of the EU.

“There’s a range of flavours to choose from. Ham and pineapple Hawaiian shirts. Mushroom flavoured socks. Woollen hats that are made from actual lamb residue. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone makes their fortune out of this contract.”

So rest assured, as we move forward onto the sunlight uplands, you will have a choice previously only reserved for citizens of a totalitarian state which sees your suffering serving a higher purpose.

“Do I die of exposure or starvation?” Mr Enran asks, “exposure is faster, but…Calais to Dover is jammed…I better eat the shirt off my back before someone else does!”

Global Britain is set to put on a display worthy of its current direction of travel this week after Downing Street ordered every last pound in the country’s coffers assembled on barges in front of the Palace of Westminster and incinerated as part of preparation for a No Deal Brexit.

“We’ve called it ‘Operation Bonfire of the Insanities’. Once the barge is all bobbing up and down on the Thames we’re going to set fire to it,” aide to human cash incinerator Theresa May told LCD Views, “it’s basically the only policy the cabinet can agree on. And most importantly, it has cross bench support.”

The display is intended to show EU27 countries, and the broader international community, what Global Britain is all about.

“Burn it, burn it! It’s going to be quite the display,” the aide adds, “and while the main purpose is symbolic, it has the added benefit of speeding up the Brexit process. We don’t expect that process to be complete until the country is completely potless.”

But who is going to light the match?

“Well, that’s the only sticking point, so many MPs are so keen to do it, there’s probably going to have to be a hat out of which the lucky name is called.”

This doesn’t sound fair, as it’s a collective responsibility to burn all the cash in the country?

“That’s so sweet,” the aide shakes their head affectionately, “there’s no such thing as collective responsibility currently in UK governance. I expect many MPs will use the distraction of the great fire of blunden to quietly slip away into the shadows.”

And where will the prime minister be as all the money in the UK burns on a Thames barge?

“She’ll be on a tug boat alongside the barge shovelling more money into the fire as it arrives at the exchequer,” the aide said, “oh, and I would guess also any files detailing crimes of Conservative Party MPs.”

LCD Views has conducted the biggest survey of its kind for this time of day to discover what the British attitude is to US special prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump (alleged, of course, only alleged) criminal presidency.

“Drain the swamp!” was one of the most common responses, and in a tone of voice that was rather impatient.

“How long does it take?” the British people also wanted to know, “and why not release all the dirt on the British politicians and charlatans caught up in the international kleptomanic, feudalist conspiracy so we can start locking them up! Then take your time with Trump, but preferably before he starts WW3 to stop the bloody pee tape coming out.”

From Farage meeting with Assange, to Boris suddenly talking Bannon talk about deep state conspiracies, to robbed Victorian grave Jacob Rees-mogg wanting to actually suspend parliament to stop parliament being a parliament, the currents flowing between the Trump swamp and the Westminster swamp feel strong.

“Maybe the famous British bridge builder has actually built a bridge?” someone mused, thinking of Boris Johnson’s obsessions with bridge designs (well, not designs, just suggestions of designs), “Mueller would know by now. Let’s find out!”

As the people surrounding the cheeto skinned, narcissistic freak show in the White House go down one by one to Mueller, week by week, surely it’s time to have one of our own nailed?

“It’s time,” the responses kept rolling in, “to turn back the rising tide of human hating greed and crime that has risen around the crumbling walls at the Palace of Westminster. If our own government won’t do it, because the executive is addicted to the shredder, then we’ll be glad when Mueller does, even if it’s only a British sub-plot in an American crime drama.”

Little English diplomacy is set to ramp up to full throttle over the weekend as Theresa May returns to Brussels armed with a clincher to any argument involving de-contextualised nationalism, of the English variety.

”She’ll be power dressing and packing her fiercest extended stare,” aide to PM TM, Mr A B. Ottle-gin, told LCD Views, “oh, and her patented motorbike chain necklace.”

But what could she possibly say to Barnier now to have him suggest to the EU27 that the backstop is done away with, just to satisfy the DUP.

”Backstop means backstop, and I aim to put a stop to it,” she will open with, “and that will have the normally unrufflable Barnier disorientated. I expect he’ll have to sit down just to take it in.”

So that’s the one, what’s the two punch?

”It’s more of a sucker punch, he won’t see it coming. Although if he’s paying attention he’ll be clued in by her Saint George flag patterned power suit, I suppose.”

We promise not to print it, just tell us what the killer move is?

”Okay. She’s going to jab her index fingers into the air over her head one after the other while taunting Barnier with the staple of English diplomacy. Two world wars and a packet of crisps!”

You wot mate? That’s a TV show, isn’t it? And they were really likeable characters.

“Play the tape back. What did I say?”

(pause)

”Oh! Ha! Two world wars and one World Cup! Faced with that blast of British exceptionalism he’s going to fold and the backstop is dust.”

I doubt it. I see a score of 2-0 against May’s deal come Monday, if that’s all she’s holding.

All round loveable bear of the British countryside (he owns thousands of acres, but why?) and man who specialises in cleaning up on worker’s conditions and advantageous tax regimes, James Dyson, has spoken exclusively to someone tonight, who spoke to us.

“I can confirm I suck,” Mr Dyson, reportedly (we have no confirmation, other than his actions), told someone, “and my actions blow harder than my hand dryers.”

The reason for the bold statement is the way in which James Dyson, a hot air pusher for Brexit, has decided to act faced with the near fulfilment of a political exercise he has done so much to promote.

“Of course I’m getting out of dodge,” he said, apparently, “what sucker would be stuck in Brexit Britain? And besides, with the business friendly environment in Singapore, and the FTA between Singapore and the EU, I’ll do well to be positioned there to both use my massive wealth to seize opportunities in post Brexit fire sale Britain, and sell my totally hygienic, new fangled machines into the EU. That’s a market of a half a billion people. Not many people know that. But a canny businessman like me sure does.”

Other people have speculated that even though Dyson is getting his business out of soon to be broken Britain, not exactly an act of faith in the future, he has deeper personal motives for all his actions.

“These ego driven billionaires hate the EU because they can’t bully it,” Common Sense told us, “so they try and tear it down to satisfy their vainglorious view of their own omnipotence, while simultaneously, privately, using their wealth and connections to insure themselves against the calamity they’re trying to visit on the every day working man and woman.”

So we know who blows hot air about Brexit. We know who is getting out of town (all the Brexiters) and we damn sure to all hell know who the suckers are if Brexit actually happens…

“I’m just following orders,” Sajid Javid, Temporary Home Office Secretary, told reporters outside the departure lounge at Heathrow terminal 6 this morning, as he announced a bold new initiative from the Home Office.

”It’s Theresa May’s idea,” he added, “when she gave me the job of kicking out anyone she doesn’t like, on whatever spurious grounds we can imagine, she took me by the hand, you can see the scar still, and she looked me in the eyes and she said, Javid, my work is not yet done,

”Amber gave it some wellie, but you need to finish what I started. I actually had a vision in that moment that I was talking to Thanos, but like, a crazy and sadistic version who wants to get rid of not just half the population, but everyone,

”Anyway, I said sure thing, anything to get closer to 10 Downing Street. I’d sell my soul. Ha!”

It’s believed the total deportation policy also has the support of key cabinet ministers, such as the disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox.

”Each of the 65m plus people who are set for compassionate removal as fast as possible, will become a brand advocate for Global Britain. It will make my job of getting trade deals agreed by the end of March much easier.”

But what’s the vision for Britain once it is completely cleared of people? A wildlife park?

”Ha! Don’t be silly. We in government kill animals, when we can, it’s great fun,” Sajid smiled, “no, we’re going to assess everyone and let a select few back in one by one to man the giant post box that Global Britain will become.”

And how will the successful applicants be selected?

”All will be compared to a colour chart designed by Ms May and then anyone whose skin matches the desirable part will be let back in. But it won’t be everyone.”

A man whose wife of over forty years won’t agree to an ‘open’ relationship says she will come around to his way of thinking soon enough.

“She’s playing hardball at the moment,” Figel Narage told LCD Views International Matrimony correspondent, “I would say she’s even a bit bullying, since I gave her notice of my intent to open a Tinder account, while still living in the marital home, but that’s just her opening negotiating position.”

Mr Narage is sure just as soon as he’s packed his bags and moved out to his friend Donald’s place on the other side of the pond, that his wife will crack and tell him he can sleep with whoever he wants, just so long as he drops by whenever he wants to sleep with her.

“It’s going to be the easiest open marriage negotiation in history,” Nigel is sure, “and I suspect by the time I’m spending my first night dossing down on Donald’s settee that I’ll have at least forty tinder dates lined up to get cracking with the next morning.”

So far Mrs Narage is showing no signs of cracking though. She’s even gone so far as to explain repeatedly and patiently to Nigel that the moment he’s out of the door she’s changing the locks and he can forget about coming around to drop off his laundry.

“She needs me more than I need her,” Mr Narage shrugs, “it’s just she’s guilty for how she’s been treating me over the years. Like the time she told me I couldn’t go on a golf weekend as it was her mother’s funeral, but I went anyway. Or the time she told me not to get a mullet hair do as I’ll look silly for that job interview, but I did it anyway. She didn’t throw me out then, why would she kick me out of the bed now?”

Mr Narage says he’ll call their marriage, after he’s moved out, a Global Marriage, or Matrimony 2.0, and he’s sure to make a success of it.

Take that Brussels! Downing Street is heralding a new dawn for the British car industry today with the promise of a taxpayer cash injected, revitalised industry which will produce cars for every man, and some women, after Brexit.

“It’s to celebrate ARE independence from Brussels, Berlin and Tokyo,” underling to Greg ‘bright spark’ Clarke, Secretary of State for Something, told LCD Views,

“for too long the plucky British car manufacturer has been beholden to pay tribute to foreign overlords, but no more! Now we cry fetch that Merkel! Take that Macron, We’re quite able thank you very much Abe!”

The car will be designed and produced in the fully equipped car factories the global car industry intend to leave vacant and waiting in Sunderland and is to take its inspiration from British icons.

”It’s to really stamp Global Britain’s character on the car,” the underling explains,

“Greg has designed it himself, well, at least the outline, symbolically. Rover, because everyone loves a dog called Rover, the Log, because dog’s love leaving logs all over and a Union Jack as its emblem, because the Union will both survive, and thrive, after Brexit with centralised and sensible governance from Westminster.”

Production is expected to begin sometime this year after we’ve liberated the billions fleeced out of the overly generous British pocket from the ever grasping continental hand.

”There’s many ways to spend the Brexit dividend. We’re doing it all over. But one sure way to keep the British public on the move is to cry go fetch a Log! And it’s not just for post Brexit supper.”

A new craze is taking social media by storm. The 10 year challenge! For the challenge people who are worried about wrinkles keep worrying about wrinkles and attempt to ease their concerns by placing two photos of themselves side by side to see if people can guess which one was taken ten years ago, and which one was taken today and had a bucket load of filters applied.

And while this is harmless fun for individuals, whose friends will be too kind to tell them, it’s a bit bloody obvious which is which (not in all cases, some of you haven’t aged a day! and we don’t just mean in terms of emotional maturity!), it’s also a boon for trolls to be invited to comment on someone they don’t know physical appearance.

“It’s a land mine for political parties though,” our social media analyst, Mr Pamphlet Phace informs, “especially governing parties.”

The reason for the concern is?

“It’s essentially a massive exercise in self-harm for politicians in power,” our analyst continues, “I would advise the governing Conservative Party to under no circumstances complete the challenge.”

Well, they can’t, they weren’t in power in 2009.

“But they were all fresh faced, porcine loving and about to be. To anyone unable to deconstruct the message they were sending out, they looked a little inviting.”

What was the message?

“We will govern solely by a sense of entitlement gifted by high birth and an ideology that understands nothing of the holistic nature of a country.”

So you tell them to stop now?

“Well, they won’t be stopping while they’re ahead. Unless you’re talking about the weekly polls that pretty much always show them edging Corbyn ‘fencepost’ Labour. No, in terms of achievement and record, well, just putting an image from 2010 next to 2019 says it all.”

So you’re suggesting they do a nine year challenge?

“Why not? It’s been challenging enough already for the rest of us.”