Category: Global Britain

HOT AIR IN SURPLUS : BRITAIN’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is under pressure to do more to combat the UK’s cost of living increases.

It’s believed the fact that he “just begs donors to pay for all of his stuff” has led him to see food banks and energy poverty as “hilarious”, but that maybe insufficient to combat a drop in his personal polling.

“Clearly all he needs to do now is prominently pretend to be teaching Zelensky how to beat Putin,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s beaten the pandemic by ignoring it. It took a while for that plan to come to fruition but it has. He’s solved Brexit by ignoring it, thanked massively by the UK media and official opposition who can’t even speak about its negative consequences for fear of erupting in flames. But what to do about the insane inflationary pressures affecting voters?”

Lie about it.

“He’s falling back on his classic political strategy,” the source confirms. “If you can’t ignore it then you lie about it. The voters will lap it up and ask for more.”

Whether or not just lying will be sufficient as voters try and decide if their cat is now a luxury item is anyone’s guess, but Britain can be grateful to have a PM willing to “give it a go”.

“The real danger is a temporary cessation of insanity in the global news cycle,” the insider adds. “At the moment old Bojo can latch onto any number of nutters to deflect from being a wrecking ball through the UK economy and living standards. But if things settle down for a bit and domestic news gets to grab the headlines with both hands, well, all his years of training will be put to the test.”

But Downing Street is not idle in the face of the coming storm.

“He’s set up a working party to decide if it’s feasible to blame Brussels for the food riots expected later in the summer,” the source says, “which of course it is. If they’d never forced us into Brexit we wouldn’t be having such a deep labour crisis twinned with massive increases in admin costs to import and export. Whatever an export is.”

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR : Not much is able to push passed the possibility of WW3 in the news cycle at the moment but a £2,200 pay rise for the UK’s members of parliament managed it and armed waved around for several hours.

Many UK voters may feel it’s a bit rum for MPs to be getting a boost in their pay just as the same voters look at taking out a second mortgage just to pay for petrol at the pump and their weekly grocery shop. The justification given is the increased workload caused by the pandemic.

“It’s been brutal,” one Tory backbencher told LCD Views. “You try maintaining an extramarital affair in that climate! Just look at what happened to Matt Hancock. All the money I had to shell out just to keep my bi-weekly meetings with Tricycle secret was exceptionally egregious. Not to mention having to make time to stand on my doorstep and clap for a few weeks. This pay rise doesn’t go far enough.”

Other MPs are also coming out to support the boost.

“Look at what we’ve achieved since 2010? We’ve created great food and energy insecurity in the UK just before a time of heightened food and energy insecurity and insane inflationary pressures. We’ve achieved the diplomatic isolation of the UK, and everyone thinking we’re total idiots, just before the biggest international crisis for generations. We reduced our military impressively too. Although we did produce one airplane free aircraft carrier which we immediately sent off to the Pacific. Genius. Now you get to our management of the pandemic. We wrote the rules to suit the lifestyles of ourselves and our donors. The avoidable death toll we achieved was truly world leading. I could go on, but you get the picture, you’ve been living through it.”

Essentially the pay rise is justified because “it’s hard work being this shit”.

RAMPED UP GENEROSITY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has responded to surprising criticism of her department’s inability to react effectively to the latest refugee crisis in Europe by getting “directly involved in a personal and touching way”.

The plan appears to be designed to lift the spirits of people attempting to find sanctuary in the UK, while they negotiate the perfectly reasonable demands of the UK’s refugee visa system, which has been designed to weed out people who “just want to come here for health tourism”.

The new initiative will see everyone waiting to have their fingerprints taken given a signed photo of Priti Patel who has had a new professional portrait taken for just that purpose. Although rumours suggest that the decision to involve photography has led to tension with the Foreign Secretary Liz Truss who is understood to demand “Instagram and other social media platforms remain her exclusive policy domain”.

But the Home Office has responded to reports of tension by saying that any criticism is completely unwarranted and once the images of cheerful refugees clasping images of Ms Patel are broadcast on TV the scheme will be expanded to cover any areas in Europe where people are gathering seeking assistance.

“If they want to come to the UK they need to know what life in the UK is like,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “They need to know who will be governing them and waiting for just the right moment to have the Daily Mail start running stories designed to shift the public mood to throwing them right back out again.”

The Prime Minister is thought to have endorsed the scheme, although was critical of the lack of choice of image.

“The PM is leading the world in the response to the crisis in Ukraine, but he’s taken time out of his afternoon wine and cheese schedule to pen a note to Ms Patel encouraging her to make the portraits available in both gloss and matt and for the recipients to decide which one they receive,” a Downing Street source said, on the way to the cheese shop.

“The UK is leading European leaders in the PR campaign to be seen to be doing something. The distribution of the portraits will have them green with envy,” the Home Office spokesman added. “This is ramped up UK generosity in action and the best you can expect from the current government.”

GET ON WITH IT : BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has revealed a world leading plan to assist with the dramatic refugee crisis ongoing as the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues.

“No one with a heart could fail to be moved by the images we are seeing,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “This explains the speed at which Downing Street and the Home Secretary are moving.”

The plan is said to be centred on “sound bites” and the “appearance of activity” while in actuality “dragging our heels like a mule”. It’s believed it is motivated by a deep concern that the racists in the PM’s base support will start to “lose their shit and go red in the face on QT” if too many vulnerable people receive British support.

“It’s easier clearly,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “These are white Christians so there’s not all that confusion like in more recent refugee crises. But they’re probably still commies and so…well…if your entire intellectual appetite is the Daily Mail or the Telegraph, it’s a journey to assist anyone.”

But to reinforce the perception that something is being done the actual six points have been stated.

1. Dither
2. Delay
3. Have Liz post pictures on Instagram
4. PM to pose with soldiers
5. Create a confusing and mind boggling system to access visas.
6. Explain how we’re leading the world ad nauseam until it all goes away.

There is also an unpublished seventh point which is understood to be “privately grin like a Cheshire Cat that Putin’s war has swept the Partygate scandals and the alleged pandemic mass fraud by Tory donors right off the front pages.“

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR OWN DESTINY: Until the rest of the world unites and forces us to take sides. Are we to follow the right course, and unite? Or follow the money? 

No. Global Britain leads, indeed it MUST lead, or Brexit was all for nothing. And that can never be true. 

One man who knows this less well than anyone else is the country’s figure-arse and Clown Prince, Boris Johnson. If ever there is a man who cannot see the connection between his actions and their consequences, it is he. 

“England must stand alone and get Ukraine done!” he declared. “When we all stand together, we are stronger, erm, yes, no, well, apart from England which is stronger alone, you see, quod facit memorandum, vaccines!, the wicked EU has been holding us back, and front, and a bit off the sides. Leave enough to mess up, you know, vaccines!, save my bacon, mmm, bacon sandwiches, mmm, wiff waff, no, no, no, no, yes!”

It’s almost as if Churchill himself were reincarnated, to speak gibberish while pissed as fuck on premium Russian vodka. 

“Yes, no, yes, possibly, who knows, I certainly don’t,” he continued reassuringly. “There’s a thing to be done, which we will do, eventually, there, I’ve said it, that means we are faster than the EU, and it’s a jolly good job we left, so we can tell them to stand up to Putin with us, so we work together, which we couldn’t do when we were in the EU, just because. So there!”

What Johnson can’t admit is that he only ripped the UK out of the EU so that he could continue to receive Russian bribes. So he can’t take serious action without losing face or losing money or losing power. As those are the only things that motivates him, apart from recreational drugs and rumpy-pumpy, his only course of action is to dither until it all blows over. Which could take years, of course. 

Meanwhile, the USA is bypassing the UK to deal with the EU direct, in order to counter the threats from the East. Super lightweight Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has also been bypassed, to such an extent that she has been spamming the world with photos from outside rooms where the real diplomacy is taking place. 

England stands alone. All alone. Sad and unfriended. Sovereignty! freedom! Hey… hello! hello!… anybody there?… hello? 

WHAT IS THE POINT: The UK has taken back control of its borders. Even the one across Ireland. They did this by copying and pasting a points based system developed by unelected bureaucrats on the opposite side of the globe. 

This means you can only get into the UK if certain conditions are met. It’s like collecting Nectar points in order to buy a Rolls-Royce. 

It’s the ultimate loyalty card scheme. You earn points by purchasing British goods, by waving British Union Jacks, by disseminating gushing support of Boris Johnson indiscriminately across all social media platforms. Once you have accumulated enough points (this can take several lifetimes), then you are entitled to join the Visa Lottery. If you win this – at the incredibly favourable odds of 14,000,000-1 against, then you may apply for a Blue British Passport. 

Of course, in practice it’s simpler just to bung the Prime Minister £3m and be done with it. 

But other circumstances may also qualify. Fleeing from Ukraine, as Russian bombs rain down and Russian tanks flatten your home, will also mean that you may accrue points. Points mean prizes, and one lucky refugee will be selected at random to be turned back at Calais instead of at Paris like everybody else. 

Otherwise, hard cheese, old thing. This is only fair, claims Go Home Secretary Priti Patel. Just because your homeland is being flattened by a hostile power which, coincidentally, also sponsors the Conservative Party, does not give you the right to jump the queue. “Let me be entirely clear with what I’m sayin’,” Patel said. “Fleein’ from war is, ultimately, your personal responsibility, and does not attract anythin’ near the fifteenty hundred and seventy twelve points needed to apply for a British visa. We basically don’t want none of you Baltic johnnies over here!” 

It’s little wonder that most refugees choose the small boats across the Channel option instead. 

SINKING SHITS : WORLD BEATING UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is said to have gotten his political affairs in order and to be focused on making the best of his time left in 10 Downing Street.

While press reports declare the UK’s worst Prime Minister since the last one, Theresa May, is in a bullish and confrontational mood, Downing Street insiders report a more mature appreciation of his political fate.

“All political careers end in failure,” a recently departed 10 Downing Street staffer told LCD Views. “And some failures are bigger than others. Take ‘the Boss’ as an example. He’s failed the entire country.”

But personal failure is no obstacle to Boris Johnson and he is incapable of recognising it. Which explains his hitherto success.

“He’s now going to focus on his legacy,” the staffer remarks. “What is he leaving behind? Clearly the gold wallpaper, but what of his works?”

What of his works indeed as the United Kingdom enters a period of splendid isolation not rivalled since the early 1900’s and living costs become unsustainable for all but the inheritance millionaires who appear to believe that looting the country is what governance is all about.

“Just how big a bin fire can one man leave behind?” the staffer wonders. “With Boris Johnson we’ve the right man at the right time to find out. I would expect it to be visible from space. Actually, it already is if you are orbiting over the Dover lorry queues.”

Some Prime Ministers attempt to govern in the public interest, but Mr Johnson has proven himself to be something entirely different to most.

“He’s going to adopt a scorched earth policy as his legacy,” the staffer says. “He will take the entire Conservative Party down with him if he gets it right. But that’s dependent on how long they let him drag out the longest political death in British history.”

But if he can get it right he’ll at least leave behind a legacy many will celebrate as they stand in the food and fuel ration lines.

“After all, leave means leave. It’s just that Mr Johnson is a little hard of hearing. Let’s hope he’s physically dragged out.”

BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES: The UK reigns. Ukraine. It’s in the name. Ukraine is part of England. And little tinpot dictators who pose shirtless on horses would be well advised to remember that.

Major Tory donor and sometime petty despot Vladimir Putin has threatened to stop funding Downing Street parties unless Boris Johnson backs him up. He wants Johnson to get onside with his plans to extend the influence of Global Russia. Ukraine must be rescued from the claws of possible EU membership. The unicorns of beneficial trade deals and free movement must be rejected, in order to align with the values of the Spartan East.

“Less is more!” Putin reminded wavering Ukrainians, while absently jingling a bag of gold coins. “Do you want to be soft Westerners, sucking on the teat of cheap French wine and siestas? Or align with your old masters in the East, and become strong through hardship and war? Let’s take back control!”

The argument thus won, Putin now wishes to put pressure on Johnson, his not-so-secret ally in the soft West. “Remember, Boris Stanovitch, that the flow of weapons-grade Russian vodka is dependent upon your agreement!” he is rumoured to have said.

Johnson is said to have leaped to attention faster than if six gorgeous naked blonde fillies had started to remove his trousers. Five minutes, and a couple of shots of Putin’s best later, the PM was ready to face the ordeal of recording a message straight to camera.

“Well, yes, no, er, well, yes, wiff waff, lorem ipsum, vaccines!” he declared in his best Churchillian manner. “It is my, erm, what’s the word, duty, yes, duty, is that the right word? what does it mean? OK, well, it is our solemn duty to support levelling up across the globe! And it’s only fair to lend Mr Putin a couple of our spare tanks to, erm, well, level up Ukraine.”

After all, Brokeback Mountain won’t level itself up.

GET THE HINT : A British man has been judged slowest ever to get the hint that the party is over.

The individual concerned is said to be “shabby in habits and character” and determined to outstay his welcome to a degree determined as “world beating”.

It is believed numerous individuals have attempted to drop increasingly unsubtle hints that the party is over. The failure to get through has even led to the police being called in the hope he’ll stop blathering on and bugger off.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” an eyewitness told LCD Views. “It could not be clearer he’s outstayed his welcome and he needs to leave, but he just pretends not to notice and keeps ordering more booze delivered.”

The party the “burning haystack of humanity” is understood to be at is located at a plush central London address recently redecorated at great expense without “any discernible taste”.

“We’re going to have to ramp up our efforts to get through to the self-centred sod that is idea of a good time is his alone,” the witness confirms. “It’s hard to see how much clearer we can be. We may have to hire a fat lady to sing as old hat references and sayings appear to be the only things he understands.”

When asked who is footing the bill for the festivities we were advised, “Everyone. The whole country. It’s becoming bloody tedious. I’ve never seen someone so unable to understand it’s time to fuck off in my whole life. The music stopped long ago but he’s just standing there with a traffic cone on his head talking about Shakespeare.”

BRITANNIA RULES THE AIRWAVES: To make sure that the BBC is truly patriotic and British, a new directive has been issued. From a date in the near future, BBC1 will broadcast the National Anthem 24 hours a day, every day, and doubly so on Sundays.

Tory MP Simba Lism has insisted that the UK is insufficiently indoctrinated. There is only one thing that can restore the greatness of Britain, and that is to make sure that every time UK citizens turn on the TV or radio, they are guaranteed to hear God Save The Queen. This alone will restore much pride, But Lism wants to go even further.

“It is of vital importance that our culture is not diluted by all the horrible foreigners swarming into the country,” Lism urged, fists thumping on to the table, disturbing the carefully arranged Union Jacks around his desk. “Don’t they understand that we are British? And Britishness must be emphasised by our national broadcaster. They have a duty to support our national identity, and protect our wonderful culture from the foreign whiff of garlic and curry!”

And it’s not just anthems and flags that Lism is talking about. The symbols of Global Britain must be everywhere.

“I want every British house, shop, and castle to be red, white and blue!” he thundered. “We must never forget our heritage! Statues must remain exactly where they stand, forever, like Ozymandias, to remind us that our history is sacrosanct! We must have our British pound of spuds! Our British eight bob tuppence ha’penny! The blessed crown on our beer glasses, so we cannot forget how British we are, even in our cups! And BBC1 shall play the National Anthem to ensure that loyal citizens salute with pure British rapture!”

Meanwhile ITV1 will play Land Of Hope And Glory, ITV3 will show Poirot, and Channel 4 will play the Sex Pistols favourite God Save The Queen.