Category: Global Britain

BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES: The UK reigns. Ukraine. It’s in the name. Ukraine is part of England. And little tinpot dictators who pose shirtless on horses would be well advised to remember that.

Major Tory donor and sometime petty despot Vladimir Putin has threatened to stop funding Downing Street parties unless Boris Johnson backs him up. He wants Johnson to get onside with his plans to extend the influence of Global Russia. Ukraine must be rescued from the claws of possible EU membership. The unicorns of beneficial trade deals and free movement must be rejected, in order to align with the values of the Spartan East.

“Less is more!” Putin reminded wavering Ukrainians, while absently jingling a bag of gold coins. “Do you want to be soft Westerners, sucking on the teat of cheap French wine and siestas? Or align with your old masters in the East, and become strong through hardship and war? Let’s take back control!”

The argument thus won, Putin now wishes to put pressure on Johnson, his not-so-secret ally in the soft West. “Remember, Boris Stanovitch, that the flow of weapons-grade Russian vodka is dependent upon your agreement!” he is rumoured to have said.

Johnson is said to have leaped to attention faster than if six gorgeous naked blonde fillies had started to remove his trousers. Five minutes, and a couple of shots of Putin’s best later, the PM was ready to face the ordeal of recording a message straight to camera.

“Well, yes, no, er, well, yes, wiff waff, lorem ipsum, vaccines!” he declared in his best Churchillian manner. “It is my, erm, what’s the word, duty, yes, duty, is that the right word? what does it mean? OK, well, it is our solemn duty to support levelling up across the globe! And it’s only fair to lend Mr Putin a couple of our spare tanks to, erm, well, level up Ukraine.”

After all, Brokeback Mountain won’t level itself up.

GET THE HINT : A British man has been judged slowest ever to get the hint that the party is over.

The individual concerned is said to be “shabby in habits and character” and determined to outstay his welcome to a degree determined as “world beating”.

It is believed numerous individuals have attempted to drop increasingly unsubtle hints that the party is over. The failure to get through has even led to the police being called in the hope he’ll stop blathering on and bugger off.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” an eyewitness told LCD Views. “It could not be clearer he’s outstayed his welcome and he needs to leave, but he just pretends not to notice and keeps ordering more booze delivered.”

The party the “burning haystack of humanity” is understood to be at is located at a plush central London address recently redecorated at great expense without “any discernible taste”.

“We’re going to have to ramp up our efforts to get through to the self-centred sod that is idea of a good time is his alone,” the witness confirms. “It’s hard to see how much clearer we can be. We may have to hire a fat lady to sing as old hat references and sayings appear to be the only things he understands.”

When asked who is footing the bill for the festivities we were advised, “Everyone. The whole country. It’s becoming bloody tedious. I’ve never seen someone so unable to understand it’s time to fuck off in my whole life. The music stopped long ago but he’s just standing there with a traffic cone on his head talking about Shakespeare.”

BRITANNIA RULES THE AIRWAVES: To make sure that the BBC is truly patriotic and British, a new directive has been issued. From a date in the near future, BBC1 will broadcast the National Anthem 24 hours a day, every day, and doubly so on Sundays.

Tory MP Simba Lism has insisted that the UK is insufficiently indoctrinated. There is only one thing that can restore the greatness of Britain, and that is to make sure that every time UK citizens turn on the TV or radio, they are guaranteed to hear God Save The Queen. This alone will restore much pride, But Lism wants to go even further.

“It is of vital importance that our culture is not diluted by all the horrible foreigners swarming into the country,” Lism urged, fists thumping on to the table, disturbing the carefully arranged Union Jacks around his desk. “Don’t they understand that we are British? And Britishness must be emphasised by our national broadcaster. They have a duty to support our national identity, and protect our wonderful culture from the foreign whiff of garlic and curry!”

And it’s not just anthems and flags that Lism is talking about. The symbols of Global Britain must be everywhere.

“I want every British house, shop, and castle to be red, white and blue!” he thundered. “We must never forget our heritage! Statues must remain exactly where they stand, forever, like Ozymandias, to remind us that our history is sacrosanct! We must have our British pound of spuds! Our British eight bob tuppence ha’penny! The blessed crown on our beer glasses, so we cannot forget how British we are, even in our cups! And BBC1 shall play the National Anthem to ensure that loyal citizens salute with pure British rapture!”

Meanwhile ITV1 will play Land Of Hope And Glory, ITV3 will show Poirot, and Channel 4 will play the Sex Pistols favourite God Save The Queen.

WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE STATUES : 10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly to the shocking and unpatriotic decision this week to clear the Colston Four of criminal damage.

“Those judges are the enemies of the statues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Long dead white men cast in bronze are the bedrock of the UK’s cultural life and identity. What the decision this week says to the army of the woke is beyond calculation. Saboteurs and fifth columnists will say that the court merely upheld the law but we all know that the law doesn’t matter under Johnson’s government.”

Happily though for any red faced ageing men with high blood pressure the Prime Minister is rumoured to have taken personal control of the matter.

“Mr Johnson convened a cheese and wine tasting last night and came up with a bold course of action to stop these vile progressive forces in their tracks. And what’s more it twins neatly with the levelling up agenda he’s so proud of.”

The plan appears to be to invest heavily into Bristol.

“We’re going to drain Bristol Harbour. This way no one will be throwing any more statues into it. There will be a minor cost to shipping in the area, but that’s something we can live with because other people take care of the consequences of our poor thinking. You just wait until the next statue is dragged to the edge of the harbour wall by some scruffy yoghurt eating layabouts! The shock on their faces when they see just a dry and stony landscape where once was water will be priceless.”

Bristol Council is said to be fully behind the plan and will be pushing for the dry harbour to be consecrated as a shrine to Colston and all he stood for.

“It’s important that everyone gets the message loud and clear,” the source added. “Only Tory MPs are allowed to do criminal damage to the UK.”

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : Most people on the continent of Europe are shackled to domestic suppliers for their utilities, and often enough even for food. The people of Britain are different and can now seize the opportunities of a global marketplace “thanks to Brexit”.

Much has been written in the press over recent days about the soaring costs of living in the UK now that it has regained its sovereignty. Doomsayers, worrywarts, girly swots and the terror of modern dialogue, the woke, are wringing their hands over inflation headed towards 10%, but they miss the point of Brexit.

“If you are staring down the barrel of a gas bill that means you can’t afford food then you really need to try harder,” the Tory MP for Bassetdog-in-Baguette tells LCD Views. “Why would anyone choose to stay handcuffed to an old utility supplier when they can strike a deal with one in China or Brazil? Russia, India, Patagonia, all these markets are ready and open to trade with Brits. It’s hard to have much sympathy for a voter who can’t understand how a simple block of butter became so expensive when he hasn’t even tried to import one from Alaska.”

The advice is of course just a welcome extension to the logic of Brexit.

“We had to free ourselves from the largest trading bloc on Earth in order to send Liz Truss globetrotting striking new deals from a much weaker position,” the MP notes. “This was a stroke of genius. No one saw us coming. People will sign anything. They’re so surprised. So imagine what an individual Brit can now do with their sovereignty if they just get on the phone to the other side of the world? If 67m is greater than 500m in terms of deal making, what is the power of one?!”

FESTIVE SEASON SPECIAL : WORKING OUT WHAT VARIANT OF THE PLAGUE is in your home is one of the new must do past times for Global Britons. Whatever maybe said about the quality of leadership of the UK Government during the pandemic, no one can accuse them of being out of touch with viral fashions.

“It’s about synergy,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You can not keep justifying awarding mates of ministers multi-million pound PPE and testing contracts if we don’t have the latest variant in house, so to speak. We’re world leaders in the rapid import of each new strain, assuming we haven’t cooked it up at home. In that case we’re world leading exporters. This is what winning for Global Britons looks like. Import and export of CV-19 strains. No one can touch us and increasingly no one wants to.”

But it’s not just ministers that are keen to be seen with the latest pathogens, ordinary hardworking Brits are conscious of staying up to date with the latest developments in the pandemic too.

LCD Views has studied the literature available and put together the FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE THE OMICRON VARIANT.

It’s very straightforward.

1. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes that you are odds on to have OMICRON right now!

If you’re unsure than all you need to do is put together a list of your symptoms, which leads us onto…

2. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Anyone who doubted that a shambolic and emotionally retarded clown couldn’t manage the pandemic to ensure his voters have the MUST HAVE variant need look no further than the reading on their latest digital thermometer. If the temperature is rising you know who’s in Downing Street.

3. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes and you don’t have symptoms of today’s newest bit of rampant RNA than don’t worry, you’re probably asymptomatic and can ensure the non-availability of testing will help you keep your community current. Even if you can get a test if is just possible it’s with a company that has no prior experience in the field but had the right member of the PM’s government in their contact book.

4. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Look no further than your bedsheets. They’ll be damp, dirty and in need of changing in no time. But not because you’ve been busy between the sheets, if you know what we mean. A microbe is though, replicating like mad inside your cells. Nice.

And lastly, but certainly not least, we come to the fifth sign that almost guarantees you have the latest in viral loads.

5. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? You can’t keep a good man down and there is nothing your Prime Minister won’t do to ensure you’re a card carrying member of the platinum club. If platinum means years of attritional anxiety to the point where the most minor of physical comforts has you fearing it’s all over. Just pack those kids off to school and wait for them to come home talking about the class mate in the unfiltered air with the cough.

Take the day off from worry. Take ten days off consecutively. If you answered yes to one or all of our straightforward questions than you can be sure if you don’t have OMICRON today, you will tomorrow. World beating.

WHEAT FROM CHAFF : U.K. workers are to be urged by the government to go on a “great productivity drive“ to counter balance the mysterious headwinds affecting the economy.

While it’s not yet clear why Brexit and a lethally mismanaged, economically illiterate pandemic policy focused solely on looting the country to enrich political donors and chums has hurt growth, except in tax havens, the net result is an alarming debit on the national balance sheet.

The U.K. government is to respond by urging all patriots to “redouble their doubled efforts” and “discard leisure time as harmful to the country”. A public information campaign will be launched to shame people who sleep, eat, use the toilet and in other ways fail to “repair the damage the wizard did”.

“The gig economy is bursting with low paid, insecure work that we urge all Britons to seize before we have to offer greater employment protections. For some baffling reason the decision to drive millions of skilled people away has only caused wage inflation in Class 1 driving jobs. Brexiters and Lexiters are to hold a great conflab to decide which Labour leader to blame. This is preferable to acknowledging decades of sticking your head firmly in your arse and ignoring a changing world was a mistake,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

In the interim you are urged to “give up your Saturdays” and “bin Sunday” before anyone starts wondering if the government of the U.K. is comprised solely of “grifting, brain dead, entitled idiots puffed up by dark money funded think tanks into thinking personal enrichment is the sole aim of governance.”

“The recent outburst of envy over the PM’s Christmas parties while people died alone and scared in isolation, because he was too thick and disinterested to use a circuit breaker in September 2020, shows how serious the situation is,” the source added. “Britons must work harder so the Prime Minister can party without it becoming boring gossip in the media.”

COMING OVER HERE : There’s been a few questions for some time in the United Kingdom over how in hell the half arsed Test and Trace system cost the taxpayer a cool £37 billion pounds? Especially when comparable countries managed working systems for a lot less money.

Clearly giving the NHS the resources, on the basis that local health authorities already have to trace infectious diseases, was a non-starter, because who’d get obscenely wealthy overnight if that happened?

“A few well connected private companies were chosen because it was payday,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Would you have had us control the virus effectively like some sane, pragmatic and modern country? How many good chaps who donate to the Tories would have benefited from that? I mean once you determine that being poor is one of the greatest risk elevators in the pandemic it’s nothing to worry about.”

Still people are asking where the money went? Especially as for most the experience of the service is that it does not function properly, if at all, although that is the benchmark of Johnson’s Britain.

“It’s really quite easy to explain,” the source goes on, “once you perform a full frontal lobotomy on yourself. It’s the Channel migrants. France is sending them over in boats to steal the money and give it to the EU. Which of course faces bankruptcy every single day without British cash.”

That’s it. A few people in dinghies. They’re to blame for everything and not the scheming, inhuman con artists who decided to let it rip.

“I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad if they knew how to Conga dance and could pay homage to our glorious war dead in a public spectacle.”

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING HOME OFFICE is giving the stick to thousands of foreign scientists who have attempted to undermine Brexit.

Early this morning Home Office Secretary Priti Patel began personally signing deportation notices to all the foreign scientists and Nobel laureates who thumbed their nose at her offer to come and work in the UK via the special fast track visa scheme.

“They think they can do Great Britain down? Well they’ll have to think again now!” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “We extend the open palm of friendship and give them a way to leapfrog the queues at are boarders but they’re too good for us? We will see about that.”

The deportations will be actioned immediately with many of the Nobel prize winners finding themselves rapidly moved to a grimy, unheated, virus infected concrete blockhouse prior to being shipped back to where they haven’t come from.

“Clearly there’s a few technical difficulties involved in deporting people who aren’t in the country,” the source explains. “We’ve hired actors to play the roles of the Nobel prize winners and they have now been released into our communities to perform. Immigration enforcement officers will soon track them down and place them under lock and key. After that it will be a swift kick up the back side and over the Channel and into France with them!”

The deportations in absentia will act as a warning for any other category of foreign talent who try and undermine Brexit.

“We’re a successful country who welcomes anyone who wishes to contribute to our political culture of government via tabloid,” the source adds. “Once the world sees what happens to you if you don’t come here they’ll soon get the message to stay away. Which is just the way we like it.”

PRITI IS AS PRITI DOES : The UK’s world beating Home Secretary is said to be laughing like a drain today after she finally hit on a solution for what she perceives as the problem of humans in the English Channel.

It’s been well known for some time that Ms Patel is seeking a way to stop people coming to the UK by thinking “outside of the box”. Everything from dressing Border Force agents up as crocodiles to building a floating wall of inflatable Johnsons has been considered to stop people crossing the Channel. But now she’s nailed it.

“The arms industry is ecstatic,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “So too fossil fuel lobbyists. Not to mention whatever remains of the UK’s service sector which assists foreign investors with their hard won money. Those three drivers of migration from foreign places would prefer no one talks about why people choose to undertake often fatal journeys in search of a new life. Ms Patel is their greatest asset.”

The solution to the refugee crisis is definitely unexpected too.

“She’s going to let them all land at Dover,” the source advises. “Which may seem counterintuitive but the devil is in the detail.”

And the detail will show the French who is boss of that strip of water.

“All the asylum seekers will be given safe passage to our shores and immediately given passports,” the source explains. “But the passports will be French. It’s genius. Then France will have to take them all back. It’s a wonder no one thought of this before. We couldn’t have done this if we hadn’t have done Brexit.”

The new scheme will come into force just as soon as a French company has been contracted to produce the passports.

“The alternative is to treat the people who make it across the Channel like humans, properly screen them, determine their skill sets and assist them in integrating into society, working and paying taxes. But that’s far too German for Boris Johnson’s government.”