Category: Global Britain

The siege of Brussels looks to be drawing to a triumphant close with the breaking news that Theresa May has invited a delegation from the EU27 to Westminster.

“It’s all down to the strategic genius of the prime minister and her tight knit team,” a Westminster watcher observed, “bombarding Brussels daily with phone calls asking exactly the same question, being told no, immediately calling again, and with shock surprise visits, has finally broken their morale. They’ll do anything just to have peace for a few weeks.”

It’s thought the delegation will arrive just as soon as they’ve prepared themselves for what will be the gift of an extended and humiliating extension to Article 50.

”They need us more than we need them,” the watcher shrugged, “when she dog whistles they’ll come running. The Marchers for Leave I mean, well, if anyone of them survive the Farage-less trek to the south. The EU27 will probably use a plane.”

But why Westminster? Surely a victorious British delegation should parade through Brussels before forcing the EU27 to sign the new agreement in public?

”Ms May has been practising her curtsying furiously,” the watcher added, “and with the impressive firedrop backdrop of the Palace of Westminster, Big Ben sheathed like a giant’s cock beside it, the continentals will know what they’re up against alright. It’s the best visuals.”

Tickets to the ceremony will be available to purchase online, with priority given to people who can prove they’ve a Saint George tattooed anywhere on their person, but preferably about the face.

”If they play their cards right we may just leave after the extension. But if the EU27 screw it up they’ll be back to getting phone calls from May asking for another one day after day after day after day after…”

LCD Views has it on good authority (our own, we just made it up) that the European Union is to insist that the U.K. accepts a four year Article 50 extension when Theresa “all the cards” May goes cap in hand begging for a few weeks.

“It’s about time,” 19th century english nationalist JRM told us, “we’ve carried the celtic nations for long enough. I have found it personally quite uplifting the charity we have shown towards the ungrateful people of Ireland since we sent our first peacekeeping force over in the 12th century AD.  Et Latine lock carnes porcinas.”

But not everyone is pleased with the move.

The Mayor of London for one has blasted the EU’s attempt to resolve the intractable Brexit conundrum.

“London is out too sunshine,” Ray Winstone told us, in between filming the sequel to Gladiator (it’s being directed by Guy Ritchie and has Russell Crowe’s character revised as a Mockney currency speculator with a pink shirt and a pink tie, who’s a little bit handy with his fists), “you get old Barnier on the dog and bone and tell him I’ll be sending Danny Dyer around his gaff if he doesn’t wise up.”

Similar statements have been made by the majority of England’s cities.

“Not just the cities,” our secession watcher noted, “Cornwall is apparently building a wall across Bodmin Moor out of stone robbed by demolishing the second homes of wealthy south east englanders as we speak. They’re planning a federation with Wales and Gibraltar.”

Although already advanced in planning the moves for independence from England may not go as smoothly as the new nations expect as, after all, Theresa May holds all the cards.

“Chris Grayling hybridised with an ass,” Doctor Clarity, of the Institute for Clarity in Boston, Northamptonshire, explained to LCD Views today in a scoop, “that’s the UK’s spirit animal. It neatly explains why we’re currently so f*cked.”

But we thought it was Chris Grayling hybridised with a turtle and stuck on a fencepost? This is a shock. But thanks for the scoop.

“Now, that’s a natural mistake,” the doctor consoled (he’s got a great bedside manner), “but you’re thinking of the leader of the opposition. Although in time, when the history is written after the hysteria, how he got up that fencepost will be explained by the hands that put him on top of it.”

But can we change our national spirit animal? We can’t go on like this. Chris Grayling has gotten into everything.

“Well, the spirit animal is in part a reflection of inner character,” the doctor illuminated, “and people can, with sufficient willpower, change their inner character and thus their choices.”

And that will change the spirit animal?

“Yes of course. But we want to be quick about it. I don’t see much hope of the Tory Party changing its spirit animal from Medusa in a tax haven. And Labour? Well…it’s a shame. They’re likely to replace the turtle on the fencepost with a horse inspecting it’s own mouth forever. So it’s going to have to be a real push on a national level.”

How long have we got?

“Until the Article 50 notification period runs out. If we crash out of the EU then our spirit animal changes all of its own.”

What to?

“Nigel Farage as the backside of a rabbit going headfirst into a set of headlights on a semi-trailer being driven by Donald Trump. And nobody wants to become that.”

The government announced today that in its wisdom it’s found a solution to the Northern Ireland hard border problem, after consulting professional smugglers.

“The first thing to understand is no one saw any of these thorny issues coming,” a spokesman for Downing Street didn’t advise LCD Views,

“it would have been helpful if people in Ireland had raised potential problems earlier, rather than the President of Ireland, telling us the entire country was behind Brexit and go for it, only to now start raising concerns days before our exit from the EU.”

It’s believed a complete radio silence on the border issue from across the Irish Sea has led to this abrupt spanner in the Brexit works.

“Nonetheless, we’ve got every other No Deal Brexit related problem ironed flat so we can turn our full energies and brains onto the problem created by the Irish.”

Something for which the Irish are expected to be grateful, as with all gifts from England.

“Clearly it’s impossible to stay in the customs union for Northern Ireland, as the backstop doesn’t suit the ERG. We would advise the Republic comes out too, as that solves the problem right there. Failing that, we will be building a wall to support a new customs arrangement across the border. But it will be mirrored so no one can see it’s there, just their reflection as they cross the border,

“We don’t want people’s livelihoods to be interrupted, especially not tax dodgers. Brexit is about making a living easier and increasing rights and liberties of externally influenced, largely useful idiot MPs in Westminster, to more easily funnel taxpayer’s money into offshore accounts,

“So to achieve this, but keep the bloody Irish happy, we have consulted professional smugglers on the best way passed, under, over or around a customs border, whatever its hardness.”

Once the learning of this engagement has been distilled into a slogan it will be printed out and handed to every citizen either side of the border, on, before or after the 29th March 2019.

“In essence, in order to fulfil the mandate handed down on that stone tablet from almighty God every Irishman and woman and child is going to become a smuggler. That’s what the professional smugglers we consulted advised, purely altruistically. We can’t see any harm resulting from forcing these new opportunities on people stuck in the outdated ways of EU membership,

“Let’s all the Irish get behind this solution and make a success of Brexit. There’s good chaps.”

People living in both Northern Ireland and the Republic are asked to speak up sooner the next time they decide to generate problems when Ms May, the ERG and the Lexiters are only trying to improve their lives with no thought of the personal cost.

LCD Views can pass on the rumour we just invented that 10 Downing Street is celebrating today after the UK scored the maximum possible on a new UN backed government dumpster fire ratings chart.

”This is fantastic news,” A. Disaster Capitalist told us, “it just underscores my wisdom in following the lead of Putin cronies by investing in the Conservative Party during their time in government.”

And it isn’t just the offshore tax haven loving funders of the government that are impressed. The high score has sent a ripple and a tingle up the spines of the mastermind’s behind Labour’s revolutionary victory in the 2017 GE.

”To see all those burning dumpsters clustered under the current name of our country keeps me awake at night,” A. Disaster Socialist also enthused, “this just confirms the wisdom of our immortal leader’s backing for the hard right agenda of a jobs first Brexit. Once the middle classes are also eating out of the bins later this year, the people will rise and the red flag will fly over Buckingham Palace where it belongs. And naturally where our president for life will shepherd the flock from.”

But it’s not all plaudits for the new scoring system.

”It’s not exactly an exhaustive chart,” our professional nitpicker commented, “it only involves developed, industrialised countries not subject to physical proxy wars,

”And importantly, there doesn’t appear to be space to get more burning dumpsters under the U.K. and properly record what will clearly be a succession of new high scores as we move into the possibilities afforded by a post Brexit Britannia.”

But we poo poo the killjoys and demand the government arrange a festival of Brexit for the late evening of the 29th March. No transition. No Article 50 extension. Just complete and total country size dumpster fire. Only then can we deal with the EU as equals.

After all, they’ll give us what we demand, or we’ll set even more of ourselves on fire!

A little english public servant, first noted for her outreach work with immigrant communities in the UK, and now for her pivotal role in the Brexit negotiations, is to celebrate World Book Day by removing a foreign language book from her local library.

The removal will be done as part of a media exercise at a Maidenhead library and broadcast across the Channel.

“The broadcast is a way of showing the EU how serious she is about achieving her aims in the negotiations, whether or not the EU knows we are still negotiating,” an aide to the woman told LCD Views, “if they want famous French books to stay in the libraries we haven’t yet closed, then they bet start talking turkey.”

But scandal has already overwhelmed the ceremony, while it is still in the final stages of planning.

“Some are complaining that she was supposed to be removing ‘Crime and Punishment’ by Dostoyevsky as a way of showing the Russians they can’t meddle in our affairs,” the aide continued, “but some said that choosing that psychoanalytical study of how a man becomes a criminal as a target to thumb our nose eastwards is missing the point of the book entirely. I personally thought it was a good choice. Crime and punishment don’t go together under this Conservative government, especially if it’s politicians alleged to have engaged in electoral crime. But I was over ruled.”

We at LCD Views would like to commend the choice of a French book as it shows Brussels what we intend for the future of the country. A country that only needs to speak English because that’s all the world speaks.

Our only quibble is that it’s an English translation she is removing because removing one in the original French would have been more fitting, although admittedly more pointless, given only half of dozen of us possess the skills to read it.

The UK’s Defence Secretary, Gavin ‘blowback’ Williamson, has announced he is to put his privates on parade.

”I’m just so feckin’ desperate for someone to look at me!” someone claiming to be the former fireplace salesman phoned up to say,

“I’ve tried starting a naval war with China because I didn’t realise we got rid of all of our ships! I’ve tried having verbals with the Kremlin but then they started releasing all my former transgressions to the press! I’ve got to pause for breath! Hang on.”

(heavy breathing down the line and the sound of a paper bag being exhaled into)

”I’ve threatened to put tanks on the streets to stop knife crime. A bloody big tank shell into the backside of a hoodie will do it! Buy us dozens of votes in the shires! But people just laughed at me and looked away again. Hang on!”

(sound of sobbing down the line)

”Don’t people know I own a bloody spider that I keep in a tank? I got it an antique leopard tank for Christmas, but now I’m scared to go in there! Hang on.”

(sound of furious head scratching on the line)

”So now I’m going to put my privates on display down Pall Mall! That’ll get me a bloody headline!”

Quite what army chiefs will think about this is anybody’s guess.

”I just want to be taken seriously! I just want to push Boris out of the headlines. Look at me! Somebody take me seriously! I’m a lethal weapon! Write headlines about me! Here! Look at my privates! These privates you’re looking at qualify me to be prime minister as soon as May gets out of line!”

Well, he’s definitely a weapon of one kind. But perhaps not the kind he has in mind.

Downing Street continues in its perpetual state of terrified lockdown today after a first draft of Prime Minister Theresa May’s speech for March 29th was leaked online.

”Was it leaked on a fishing line? A washing line? A single tweet online? In a song line? Once we have the answer to that we’ll be able to find the leak,” a Downing Street insider told us, “then we just have to confirm if it was a homophone leek, a plumbing leak, a leaky roof leek or a toilet one. But we’ll find the traitor.”

But while some choose to mock our executive for the endless calamity in government, and unfairly point the finger at pinning their entire policy strategy on lies, we here at LCD Views commend their sense of historical moment.

“The U.K. is just going outside and maybe some time?” Our Office tub thumper commented, “it’s a stroke of genius. It will embolden the Brexit naysayers, the remoaners, to realise they also have to make sacrifices to deliver Brexit on time.”

And by referencing a famous historical disaster that led to the loss of all hands, people will know they are living in a moment where they fulfill a destiny they only half planned for.

”It shows the true grit and nobility of the British character hasn’t diminished over time,” Our tub thumper added, “and study of the gigantic and apparently unstoppable catastrofuck that is Brexit will allow the next country to exit the EU to succeed,

”Really everyone should be applauding the government, and their friends on the opposition benches, for ignoring all evidence to the contrary that we shouldn’t be stepping out on the ice alone, now or at any other time.”

The UK government has the begging bowl out well and truly this morning with the breaking, and broken, news that it has applied to the IMF for an emergency loan.

“This was completely foreseeable,” Chancellor Philip Hammond phoned up to tell us (from wherever he hides out waiting for life after Brexit),

“I just want my life back. I just want to be able to count money in peace, mine and everyone else’s. I don’t want to be dragged into politics. Right now I’m supposed to be working on a fantasy novel, called the “Spring Budget”, not running off to the IMF with my hat in my hands!”

But running off to the IMF today he is after some idiot left Chris Grayling unsupervised with the UK’s finances.

”It’s one of those modern office wheezes,” Hammond explained, “where you get everyone to do everyone else’s job for a day. They should have known letting Grayling open the treasury’s emails was going to end in disaster! Look what happened after they allowed that screaming fool pretend to be PM at No 10!”

But it seems allow Grayling to open the treasury’s emails they have.

”Why he opened only the emails marked ‘spam’ I can’t tell you,” Hammond fizzed, “and why after opening one claiming to be from a Nigerian prince he did what it instructed? Well, you tell me!”

Probably because he’s exceptionally gifted at losing taxpayer money via easily foreseeable and terrible decisions? And should have been sacked a long time ago?

”That’s on the money. But don’t ask me to say it publicly and don’t tell anyone where you found me!”

Mr Hammond, most invisible chancellor since the beginning of time, thank you for your time.

“And I’m still waiting for that fruits of the sea pizza to arrive that he promised to order for me!”

The entire machinery of government is now focused on preparing Britons for life outside of the European Union, and to celebrate the coming departure from common sense a series of informercials are shortly to be released.

“Can I milk a cat?” is to premiere over the weekend, with the BBC devoting the entirety of BBC 2’s weekend scheduling to this film and many others.

“It’s incredibly exciting,” a Downing Street aide told us, “we’ve been brainstorming up a storm for weeks. Clearly the supplies of some day to day items maybe impacted by the traitorous adherence to international rules by EU27 countries, but Britons are resourceful and we will overcome.”

As part of the series Britons will not only learn how to successfully restrain and milk felines, they will also learn how to make bread from items found on the street.

“The gutters and pavements are a resource long ignored by Britons too busy preparing the bunting for what’s to come,” the aide continued, “just imagine the pride you will feel in your children’s accomplishments when they successfully repair a window broken in rioting with empty soda cans?”

“Should I eat my neighbour’s pets first or my own?” will also be shown, as part of encouraging community cohesion as we take the great leap forward.

“Do I call on my elderly neighbours even if I know they may ask for help to put out the burning car that’s crashed in their front yard?” will be followed by “Medieval medicine revisited and how you can make a success of leeching”.

It’s an exciting time to be alive Global Britons. And yes, you can milk a cat, but only if you’re willing to endure the scratches.

“No pain, no gain,” the aide reassures, “and for predatory capitalists waiting to buy your home out from under you during the post Brexit crash, there’s a lot to gain from your pain.”