Category: Global Britain

BREAKING : Rumours are coming through of a ferocious row breaking out between the executive diplomatic staff of Downing Street and the amateurs at the Élysée Palace, ahead of a planned visit to the Palace from a temporary British prime minister.

We asked our Paris correspondent to tell us what is behind the sudden furore.

“The latest source of contention appears to be focused on the Macrons’ intention to welcome Theresa May to Paris by singing the famous ABBA smash hit ‘Waterloo’, a link to the song is included below,” our correspondent reports.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FsVeMz1F5c

So what’s the problem? It’s a cracking tune and well loved in Blighty, being as it is a strong reference to British imperial might. It also shows a touching deference on the part of the French.

“It seems the Macrons have modified certain of the lyrics to personalise them for the woman who believes she’s still British prime minister, even though overnight reports say it is now Yvette Cooper, and that isn’t going down at all well.”

But Macron has a reputation for being suave diplomatically, how has he gotten this wrong? Clearly the French are all thumbs compared to the current British regime, but still?

“It’s not clear he has made a mistake, unless it’s to be too honest. The problem surprisingly appears to focus on Ms May’s unflinching position over how the Macrons have modified the following line:

‘And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way’,

to,

‘And YOU have met YOUR destiny in quite a similar way’,

This will not do at all. This is because it is Ms May’s destiny and she is determined that the possessive, first person pronoun be used. Because it is hers. And she wants it.”

Well that seems reasonable, the surrender after all, does belong to Ms May.

“Quite. Ms May is also adamant that the following line,

‘The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself’,

This is too personal an insult and she is insistent it is removed from the song completely or she will not listen to the performance at all. Additionally changing all instances of ‘Waterloo’ to ‘EU’ is just rubbing salt into the wound. Ms May has drawn several new red lines.”

So is there any hope of a breakthrough before Ms May arrives at the Palace this afternoon?

“Of course. Ms May will just rub out her red lines as if they never existed, as she is prone to do, and give the Macrons a standing ovation with the classic line ‘Waterloo means Waterloo and Waterloo means EU’.”

LCD Views can report this morning that provincial administrator of a cold prefecture off the coast of continental Europe, Theresa May, is to take the Brexit Delay Bill to ruler of Europe, Angela Merkel (in Germany) this morning for royal assent.

This should not come as a great surprise. Anyone who has used the Daily Fail, or the Torygraph, to educate themselves over how the EU works, will know that only Germany has a veto.

“She’ll be careful to remind Merkel of the important historical lesson to be found in TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CUP!,” our local government correspondent says, “the dog wags the tail and the dog is a British bulldog!!,,11??!,,,!”

Which should ensure the conversation gets off on the right foot.

While it is likely that Angela Merkel will grant her assent to the bill, now that it has passed through both meeting rooms in England and gained the symbolic tick of approval from local tourist attraction, Queen Elizabeth II, there is still a risk of it being returned without assent.

“Merkel may add amendments to the bill before giving her approval,” our correspondent suggests, “such as removing the ability of the provincial power using the new law to mess around the workings of the more powerful governments on the continent,

“Hopefully so long as May remembers to shout at Merkel ‘YOU NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED YOU!!!’, then only verbal assurances will be required. May’s word, a byword for good faith, should be enough.”

Merkel will be under further pressure to provide her assent to the delay bill swiftly, as after May’s visit, she has a fully booked schedule for the rest of the week of German automakers demanding she consents to whatever England wants.

“After Merkel has given her assent May will go and see Emperor Macron,” our correspondent says, “which should go well, even though the local press in May’s province has blasted Liam Fox’s misogynistic comments about Macron’s wife all over the front pages for the last few days, this won’t be a problem, as no one across the channel reads English,

“It’s a funny little thing Brexit. All the lies about sovereignty used by the Leavers to argue that our province should break off from the empire are now becoming truths, albeit temporary, because of the lies themselves. Global Britain Empire 2.0. Here we go. Here we go.”

The UK’s love-hate relationship with the Eurovision Song Contest has been of very long standing indeed. It’s now a decade since we last put in a respectable performance, and over two decades since we last won. So the UK is setting up its own answer, the Poundvision Song Contest.

The contest will be held permanently in the UK, and open to acts of all ages and abilities (or lack of same). Graham Norton has already signed on to present.

“It’s basically just the same thing as before,” he said at a press conference. “Just this time I’ll have to make regional stereotypes instead of national ones. You know, Essex chavs, Norfolk inbred, that sort of thing.”

We know exactly what sort of thing.
There will be one representative judge from each county, dishing out points in the same manner as Eurovision, with the usual proviso that they can’t vote for their own.

But to anyone thinking this is just xenophobia at work, foreign entries will be permitted.

Each foreign country will be permitted to submit one entrant, and the entry fee for foreigners is £350 million.

“Cheap at the price,” Nigel Farage said. Not that anyone had actually asked him for his opinion, he just felt the urge to give it. “Those damn foreigners coming over here, they should let us show them how it’s done. What great singers have ever come from Europe, eh?”

This was followed by a small earthquake, which was traced to the grave of Luciano Pavarotti, allegedly caused by the deceased tenor turning violently in it. Similar earthquakes were reported emanating from the graves of Mario Lanza, Montserrat Caballe and countless other European singing stars.

As for the reactions of the living, French singer Jean Sondamour had this to say:

“They expect us to pay a ridiculous sum to turn up to perform against a panel of biased British judges who wouldn’t give us a point if their lives depended on it? They are off their collective rocker. No country is going to pay that.”

Theresa May is reportedly demanding it as part of the Brexit negotiations. Donald Tusk has apparently described it as the biggest laugh he’s had all year.
The first Poundvision Song Contest has already been scheduled for June 23rd with an all-British lineup.

British prime minister Field (of wheat) Marshall Theresa May is expected to join a conference call later this morning with Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rupert Murdoch to discuss the EU’s latest offer of October 25th as the new Brexit date.

While accepting the new date would mean participating in the EP elections, it’s felt the U.K. can get around this unpalatable democratic experience by adopting leader of the opposition Jeremy Corbyn’s overall Brexit strategy of being present, but not involved, and then claiming to have forgotten the experience altogether later. Plausible deniability is of course expected to reap a whirlwind for Labour at any future election.

”The Russians will presumably be especially tickled over the October date,” our political strategist Field (of scorn) Marshall Titan Searchlight muses, “being the anniversary of the charge of the light brigade. Trump will of course say da to whatever his payday loan master agrees to and Murdoch will love an additional six months of printing traitors and betrayal in big font size to contribute to the mature public discussion in the U.K. over Brexit.”

The date suggests the EU will establish a new theme of picking anniversaries of British disasters for any further Brexit extensions.

”Sneaking through two weeks was very clever,” an anonymous cabinet minister acknowledged, “we were too busy working out what mix of blackmail and bribery to offer MPs to back May’s last charge of the Withdrawal Agreement. Now we’ve got a fortnight of biting our necks before retreating again.”

What Field (of wheat) Marshall May will think of the extension offer is not known as no one has bothered to find out.

The House of Commons, that mother of parliaments, is to become a truly global British institution later this summer as it moves in its entirety, so internal works can be carried out on the Palace of Westminster.

“The whole show is in meltdown anyway,” UK’s Deputy Prime Minister Anton Chekov told LCD Views, “it’s thought it’s best to move it to a location that actually has containment systems in place. For that reason Chernobyl and Fukushima are front runners. My preference is unsurprisingly Chernobyl, as it’ll be a shorter distance for MPs to travel to take ‘donations’ from figures closely associated with the Russian government.”

The reasons for the move are obvious, but not necessarily those already given in the press.

“It’s not because it’ll be faster and cheaper to refurbish the old palace with the MPs safely out of the way,” Mr Chekov says, “it’s because the commons is now so toxic it’s thought best to get it out of the UK itself before the contamination  spreads to the surrounding countryside, and the winds carrying it all over.”

But critics of the move say it’s too late anyway, as treating a split result in an opinion poll a few years back now as a mandate from God to shaft the entire country senseless will take more than a symbolic geographical shift to sort out.

“I’ve some sympathy with that view,” Mr Chekov said, “as healing the country will take serious political leadership from the two main political parties in England. And there’s sod all sign of that coming currently. The Tories are going into further meltdown and Labour are currently denying there’s any fallout at all from attempting to be all things to all people for cynical party political reasons, when what is needed is for actual alternative leadership offering a way out of the crisis. This they are not providing. Which is a shame. Very much a missed opportunity that the future will shortly damn them for.”

A final choice of location will shortly be made by the authorities.

“Chernobyl is best,” Mr Chekov nodded, “the EU helped organise a long life containment shelter, along with the Ukrainian government, to stop the reactor spreading toxicity about the continent. Having to sit inside it will make the Brexit MPs go red in the face faster than the leaking radioactivity.”

https://www.ebrd.com/what-we-do/sectors/nuclear-safety/chernobyl-shelter-fund.html

British politics biggest, bumbliest blonde joke, Boris Johnson, has declared his desire to lead the United Kingdom into wilderness for forty years today with a front page Freudian slip.

“I’m not even sure how this is legal?” our democratic health watcher asked, upon seeing the Times front splash, “you have an influential MP in the country’s parliament writing propaganda pieces for off shore, hard right media moguls and being paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a year, on top of his MP salary, to do it?”

Good question to ask. Maybe it should be illegal?

“And you have a prime minister whose husband works for a multi-billion dollar hedge fund, based in the USA? Her every public utterance, and policy decision, can have a massive impact on the exchange rates and other areas of the financial markets, and he has potentially (just asking the question, not alleging) advance knowledge of these and so can adjust his positions prior to it? Isn’t that some serious kind of inside knowledge, giving him (and her, as they’re married) a potentially unfair advantage?”

If it’s not viewed as corruption, maybe it should be?

But the bigger question of the day is of course how Boris Johnson, classically educated, can be so lacking in biblical knowledge.

“I guess he is only ever making word salads so the chain of meaning is secondary,” our watcher mused, “but to relate Brexit to Exodus and to suggest the UK should spend the next forty years wandering about the desert, suffering horribly and slowly dying off? Well, that’s alarmingly honest for Boris Johnson, as regards his intention.”

Of course the key difference is Moses was leading his people out of slavery, where as Boris wants to lead us into it, in service of the Pharaoh across the pond.

BRUSSELS – March 21, 2019

The Telegraph wrote that Theresa May would go to Brussels “on bended knees”. That seems to have been an understatement. LBC has learned that the EU27 has imposed utterly humiliating conditions on the PM before they would grant an extension to EU-membership to the UK. We can´t totally guarantee the veracity of the story, but it does explain why the European Council took much longer than expected. Here is an overview of the conditions of the EU27:

Mark Rutte, the Dutch PM, has allegedly asked May to dress up as a limbless knight begging Rutte for an extension of the duel.

The Belgian PM, Charles Michel, also a fan of British humour, then requested May re-enact the Silly Walks-sketch, which he renamed the “Prime Minister of Silly Requests”, befitting this occasion.

Macron, a staunch hardliner on the EU-side, seems to have asked May to step outside and take the Council by force sitting on a stick in lieu of a horse. Our sources tell us that once May failed at this endeavour, one of many in a row, Macron performed what our sources describe as “French taunting.” The performance allegedly involved une vache.

On behalf of Germany, Angela Merkel, has requested that the British PM stand in the middle of circle with the European leaders then pointing and laughing at Theresa May. The phenomenon is known as German Schadenfreude.

Eastern European taunting

The three Baltic states, adding insult to injury, have then proposed a next round of humiliation. It seems they amused themselves during dinner drawing a circle around the PM´s chair and requesting her to pay tariffs every time she left the circle to grab something on the dinner table.

The other Eastern European countries, led by Poland and the Czech Republic, allegedly (as we like to remind you), then requested May to sit alone in a locked room, like a political prisoner, and being forced to listed to the Soviet national anthem. This was, in all likelihood, a reference to Jeremy Hunt’s comparing the EU to the Soviet Union.

The Greek PM has proposed Theresa May to write a hundred times “EU bullies, going home [sic]” on the drawing board of the Council meeting room.

Matteo Salvini, the Italian PM, has reportedly told his British counterpart to drink a whole bottle of Italian prosecco before Italy would agree to the UK´s request of an extension. This is probably a retaliation for Boris Johnon´s insult involving this Italian beverage.

At this point, with the PM now reduced to tears, all eyes were now fixed on Ireland. Would Ireland spare her? The Irish negotiating team allegedly came up with a sophisticated game they dubbed the “Schrödinger border”. After she addressed the EU27 updating them on the political situation across the Channel, Theresa May was asked to withdraw so the EU27 could discuss her request in peace. She was made to exit through a locked door whilst Varadkar, the Irish PM, shouted at her: “You can do it! It is only an invisible border…”.

Let us know what you feel in the comment section where on Earth you believe we should take back control next.

The siege of Brussels looks to be drawing to a triumphant close with the breaking news that Theresa May has invited a delegation from the EU27 to Westminster.

“It’s all down to the strategic genius of the prime minister and her tight knit team,” a Westminster watcher observed, “bombarding Brussels daily with phone calls asking exactly the same question, being told no, immediately calling again, and with shock surprise visits, has finally broken their morale. They’ll do anything just to have peace for a few weeks.”

It’s thought the delegation will arrive just as soon as they’ve prepared themselves for what will be the gift of an extended and humiliating extension to Article 50.

”They need us more than we need them,” the watcher shrugged, “when she dog whistles they’ll come running. The Marchers for Leave I mean, well, if anyone of them survive the Farage-less trek to the south. The EU27 will probably use a plane.”

But why Westminster? Surely a victorious British delegation should parade through Brussels before forcing the EU27 to sign the new agreement in public?

”Ms May has been practising her curtsying furiously,” the watcher added, “and with the impressive firedrop backdrop of the Palace of Westminster, Big Ben sheathed like a giant’s cock beside it, the continentals will know what they’re up against alright. It’s the best visuals.”

Tickets to the ceremony will be available to purchase online, with priority given to people who can prove they’ve a Saint George tattooed anywhere on their person, but preferably about the face.

”If they play their cards right we may just leave after the extension. But if the EU27 screw it up they’ll be back to getting phone calls from May asking for another one day after day after day after day after…”

LCD Views has it on good authority (our own, we just made it up) that the European Union is to insist that the U.K. accepts a four year Article 50 extension when Theresa “all the cards” May goes cap in hand begging for a few weeks.

“It’s about time,” 19th century english nationalist JRM told us, “we’ve carried the celtic nations for long enough. I have found it personally quite uplifting the charity we have shown towards the ungrateful people of Ireland since we sent our first peacekeeping force over in the 12th century AD.  Et Latine lock carnes porcinas.”

But not everyone is pleased with the move.

The Mayor of London for one has blasted the EU’s attempt to resolve the intractable Brexit conundrum.

“London is out too sunshine,” Ray Winstone told us, in between filming the sequel to Gladiator (it’s being directed by Guy Ritchie and has Russell Crowe’s character revised as a Mockney currency speculator with a pink shirt and a pink tie, who’s a little bit handy with his fists), “you get old Barnier on the dog and bone and tell him I’ll be sending Danny Dyer around his gaff if he doesn’t wise up.”

Similar statements have been made by the majority of England’s cities.

“Not just the cities,” our secession watcher noted, “Cornwall is apparently building a wall across Bodmin Moor out of stone robbed by demolishing the second homes of wealthy south east englanders as we speak. They’re planning a federation with Wales and Gibraltar.”

Although already advanced in planning the moves for independence from England may not go as smoothly as the new nations expect as, after all, Theresa May holds all the cards.

“Chris Grayling hybridised with an ass,” Doctor Clarity, of the Institute for Clarity in Boston, Northamptonshire, explained to LCD Views today in a scoop, “that’s the UK’s spirit animal. It neatly explains why we’re currently so f*cked.”

But we thought it was Chris Grayling hybridised with a turtle and stuck on a fencepost? This is a shock. But thanks for the scoop.

“Now, that’s a natural mistake,” the doctor consoled (he’s got a great bedside manner), “but you’re thinking of the leader of the opposition. Although in time, when the history is written after the hysteria, how he got up that fencepost will be explained by the hands that put him on top of it.”

But can we change our national spirit animal? We can’t go on like this. Chris Grayling has gotten into everything.

“Well, the spirit animal is in part a reflection of inner character,” the doctor illuminated, “and people can, with sufficient willpower, change their inner character and thus their choices.”

And that will change the spirit animal?

“Yes of course. But we want to be quick about it. I don’t see much hope of the Tory Party changing its spirit animal from Medusa in a tax haven. And Labour? Well…it’s a shame. They’re likely to replace the turtle on the fencepost with a horse inspecting it’s own mouth forever. So it’s going to have to be a real push on a national level.”

How long have we got?

“Until the Article 50 notification period runs out. If we crash out of the EU then our spirit animal changes all of its own.”

What to?

“Nigel Farage as the backside of a rabbit going headfirst into a set of headlights on a semi-trailer being driven by Donald Trump. And nobody wants to become that.”