Category: Global Britain

INDEFENSIBLE: A touch of glamour is coming to the overly serious halls of the Ministry of Defence after Theresa May announced Daryl Hannah was replacing Steve Coogan, aka Alan Patridge, as Defence Secretary.

We spoke to Daryl’s agent to find out how the show biz star took the news.

”It’s nonsense,” Ms Hannah’s agent replied, “this is the first I’ve heard of it. How is it even possible? She’s not an MP or a peer? She doesn’t even live in the U.K. You’re just making this up. I advise you not to bother printing it. No one will believe you.”

What animal Ms Hannah will bring with her to the MOD is a cause of much speculation, given the departing Minister was famous for keeping a spider in a box on his desk.

”It’ll have to be a marine mammal of some kind?” our defence analyst suggests, “perhaps she could ask to borrow that Beluga the Norwegians caught? She’ll only be working days at the MOD Inbetween filming commitments anyway. The elevation of former fireplace salesman Patridge to defence secretary, and now an indivual most famous for appearing in Splash, shows how serious the prime minister views the role.”

But the decision to award one of the most serious jobs in the cabinet to an entertainment outsider has led to speculation there’s not many MPs left in the party of government who want to be associated with May’s cabinet.

So what for Patridge now he’s been sacked?

”Funnily enough he’s to pursue a career in entertainment now,” our analyst believes, “he’s to start filming a new series called Prat.”

What’s the premise?

”It’s about a fictional character called Gavin Williamson. A sacked fireplace salesman fighting to clear his name, after being fitted up for something he claims he didn’t do. He took on the firm’s chief financial officer and lost. But everyone is glad to see him go regardless.”

Why’s that?

”Because he’s a prat of course.”

https://youtu.be/2Ens-MNzQOE

GOING GLOBAL : Leaks from 10 Downing Street today indicate that the executive have become concerned that delays to Brexit are sending confusing signals to both the grass roots Conservative associations and the global community. It’s time to set this right. Or write even.

“We want everybody to know we’re still the party that believes f*ck business,” a Downing Street insider briefed the press today, although strictly off the record, “in line with the thinking of our next prime minister. We’re also the party that wants everyone to know we hate all immigrants, what have they ever done for us? Do you know how many votes there are in saying that? Even more subtly, as the official opposition do with their commitment to end FOM,

“It’s just like the BBC’s leading English historian, Andrew Marr, once asserted on Twitter, but the English have never been ruled by anybody. So we’re going to ensure that our closest neighbours understand where we stand in the increasingly interconnected 21st century world. We are definitely leaving, in spite of begging repeatedly to delay leaving. But don’t anyone print this, wait for our big PR move. We’re going to write it in the sky.”

The big PR move, which we are revealing today because off the record is a broken record at LCD Views (oh, and because f*ck Downing Street), is the hiring of a skywriter to spell out to the EU27 exactly what the UK’s current government is thinking regarding Brexit and the resurgence of the British Empire (2.0).

“It’s going to be quite something,” the insider smiled, “telling the EU where to go in one European language after another. I think this will show them we’re serious about re-opening negotiations concerning the backstop. If they won’t do that then we’re just out. Take that!”

And in an ironic twist the skywriter is an EU27 national, because none of the homegrown English ones can write in the required languages.

“We’re Global Britain. Just F OFF!”

MILITARY MADNESS : Armchair general Theresa May upset many other better qualified armchair generals last night with her decision to place the entire force of Dothraki cavalry out the front of her fortress, in the dark, in the snow, in order it seems to sacrifice them entirely when Jacob Rees-mogg and a force of ERG backbenchers attacked.

”It was the easiest way I could think of to deport the lot in one foul swoop,” Ms May is believed to have told a meeting of the government’s security council this morning, “it would have taken forever to use the Home Office to destroy them piecemeal. I should be commended for saving the British taxpayer money.”

And while certainly an efficient way to dispose of a force of shock cavalry that were not wanted, in spite of their clear value if welcomed, because they were from overseas, it does raise questions of how much harm the PM is willing to do in order to satisfy whatever screaming chasm of insecurity and despair drives her to gross acts of xenophobia.

”All this talk of the Dothraki’s inherent value is missing their motivation for coming to the United Kingdom in the first place,” a spokesman for Downing Street said, “they were clearly here for both benefit and healthcare tourism and the prime minister has taken steps to protect the public from people who don’t understand our way of life.”

A debatable point, but probably not one a BBC journalist would bother questioning nowadays.

”Chris Grayling is just shocked no one is blaming him for it,” an insider at the Department for Transport told us, “although the decision not to remove the dead Starks from the Winterfell crypt prior to placing the most vulnerable down there was his, and hopefully someone will point that out.”

Senior Tories have maximised the electoral possibilities of the youth driven climate change protests by telling terrified young people to never vote Tory, if they want to live as long as senior Tories.

”They can frack right off!” Any senior Tory it seems, told LCD Views, “what’s more important? The avarice and greed of my shadowy backers at home and abroad, or what bloody polar bears will be doing with their time in forty years? I’ll be dead by then anyway, unless the boffins work out how to hook my brain up to that gizmo that revives dead pigs.”

And the considered response of the politicians was backed up across social media by Tory mouthpieces who pretend to be commentators.

”It shows how flipping short sighted young people are and why the voting age must not be lowered,” A Prick Boy posted, “surely they should be worrying about the reduction in opportunity across all spectrums from education to health care? The rise in violent crime resulting from the attempt to privatise policing, or how the hell they’re going to afford a home in a housing market we’ve rigged to benefit the money laundering of our kleptocratic chums from abroad? Not if the seas will be boiling puddles of acidic piss by the time they reach middle age.”

LCD Views would like to commend the current crop in power for their robust response to the climate change protestors.

By displaying clearly that not only do you wish to bugger up the next generation’s opportunities by ruining their country in the service of a hard right, conflict seeking political project (backed by climate change deniers), but you are perfectly prepared to go even further than that, by resisting efforts to ensure a viable middle age for the young, you’ve really shown them what to do with their votes when they come of age. We would just advise that when you re-jig the Conservative Party tree logo for the next general election, you make sure to show that it’s now on fire. Job done.

LCD Views has started preparing for the London Marathon, to be run (by everyone) this year on Sunday April 28th (Crickey! That soon? We better get into serious training!). We’ve done this by speaking to a woman who says she’s trained for marathons, sprints, and for extended terrified bouts of doing sod all, and can tell us how it’s done.

“I’ve really been training for this all my life,” she told us, dressed in multi-coloured running shorts and shoulder padded business jacket, “right from the moment when I attended church services as a child and I thought, how best can I punish the poor people? And why do people look at me funny? How can I make everybody go away? Just like Jesus did.”

And is carrying around a container ship’s anchor chain on your neck part of the strengthening for long distance running?

“No. That’s to distract the eyes of observers so they don’t observe me too closely and learn my secrets. I’d probably improve my time if I swapped it for something lighter, like a frigate’s anchor.”

So tell us how you’ve prepared specifically for this year’s marathon event?

“I’ve been running back and forth constantly between 10 Downing Street and Brussels. I’m good to go. I’m getting faster each time.”

But you haven’t run to Brussels for a couple of weeks now? Are you worried about loss of form?

“What form?”

Good question. So the downtime is just recovery before the next marathon?

“Oh, I’m still training. A serious team captain never really stops working out. I’ve just spent a week running away from the other members of my team all over Wales.”

Theresa May, good luck for Sunday. Have you any words of inspiration for the other runners taking part?

“Marathon means marathon and we’re going to make a slog of it.”

BREAKING : LCD Views is receiving reports of a Turkish man arrested while attempting an illegal restoration of one of the more famous British monuments.

”We built this as thanks for a good harvest!” the mailed and chained man was heard shouting as he was bundled away by armed officers from the Ministry for Historical Purity, “and look at it now? Fallen into ruin!”

What really motivated the man is not yet clear, especially as he seems to have ruined celebrations planned entirely in his honour and due to be held tomorrow, in numerous countries.

”The hostile environment policies pioneered by the prime minister when she was ruining the Home Office will do for this so called George,” a spokesmen for the Ministry for Historical Purity told us, “if such a nest of government vipers, I mean policies, was in place six thousand years ago there wouldn’t be any ancient monuments to desecrate to begin with. Just a green and pleasant landscape. What man comes to steal a good traditional English name like a George anyway? Thought he’d get away with it!”

By why attempt to work on Stonehenge? There are many run down places that could have benefited from the work, and with no risk of arrest?

”It’s a blatant foreign attack on pure Britishness,” the spokesman informed, “everyone knows Stonehenge is an egg.”

Excuse me?

”It is the egg that God himself, an Englishman, caused to rise from the soil by magic and broke apart to birth the first pure born Englishman on Earth. It wasn’t the work of some illegal immigrants from the Mediterranean.”

This isn’t what they taught us at school.

”It will be now,” the spokesman said, “once we finish fetishing the Empire in the school curriculum we will move back in time fast.”

Saint George himself has been taken to a secure immigration detention facility awaiting reparation, hopefully before tomorrow and his party.

LCD Views can exclusively report this morning of an alarming new series of photographs of the United Kingdom, captured from space, released by scientists aboard the International Space Station.

“We were so taken aback we had to drop anchor,” Captain Penny Rocket said, calling on a secure landline from orbit, “we stayed over the United Kingdom for a full twenty four hours to observe the phenomenon. We were hoping it was a visual trick of the light spectrum, or perhaps a new type of cloud previously unrecorded. But that wasn’t so.”

What did you decide it was?

“Is. It’s still there and shows no sign of shifting.”

But what is it?

”Exhaustive analysis of our polaroids , taken in black and white and colour, reveal a giant carpet. It’s almost as if the entire country has been swept under it in order to conceal a massive network of interconnected political criminality.”

So basically you not telling us anything we don’t already know?

”You know Vote Leave broke the law? And that if the referendum wasn’t advisory it would have been squashed by the courts? And that the prime minister is aware of the criminality?”

Yes. Everyone does, just few in a position to do anything about it at the mother of parliaments seem to care.

”You know that prominent members of parliament are implicated by association?”

Yes. Just even the leadership of official opposition doesn’t seem overly concerned about it, even though it’s the sort of scandal you’d expect them to weaponise to bring down the government.

”That’s probably because the law breaking serves their political objectives? As with the party of government.”

Yes. So do you have anything to tell us that we don’t know?

”There’s a giant cigarette burn smouldering away in the centre of the carpet. It seems to be being caused by Channel 4, some Observer journalists and a few MPs. But it doesn’t involve the BBC.”

That’s mildly encouraging.

”Oh and in space no one can hear you scream.”

We know that one too, thanks to a series of documentaries on alien life.

”Then be grateful, because we’re about to take the same photographs of the UK’s special friends the United States of America.”

BREAKING : LCD Views has received a leaked communication from the Downing Street bunker that says Theresa May is to request another Article 50 extension now to save time in late October.

”I’m not surprised,” our Article 50 extension specialist reveals, “I’m surprised she’s waited this long, it’s nearly 48 hours since she requested the last one.”

That’s pushing her luck a little? Surely? Apparently Macron is well fed up with her already?

”Oh, don’t worry about him. That’s just his good cop bad cop routine with Merkel.”

But surely her party won’t stand for this? And as for Labour? We’ll they’ll just be confused. You can’t move too fast with Brexit or their conscious uncoupling with their voters may get out of control.

”Most of the idiots in May’s party are busy sharpening sticks and foaming at the mouth over the October 31st extension already. If she lets them get used to the idea they’re liable to settle into a cold rage and actually come after her. This will distract them nicely. Most will spend the next twenty four hours biting their own neck now.”

But what are the chances of the EU agreeing now?

”I think they don’t care, if I’m honest, it’s just how we live now. They’ll rubber stamp the extension. They won’t even bother having a meeting this time. They’ll do it over WhatsApp.”

But what date will they give this time?

”I would put my money on a short additional extension to November 5th. That’s a symbolic date and one everyone can remember.”

British mask makers are expressing their relief this morning at the news that No Deal Brexit is now scheduled to happen on October 31st 2019, and not Friday April 12th, as previously agreed in international talks between the UK and EU.

“I’m trying to keep a straight face,” one mask manufacturer told LCD Views, “this is why I’m wearing this Boris Johnson mask with voluntary mad wig, but I’m very pleased.”

The fate of mask designers and makers has been a key focus of the Brexit negotiations between the UK and EU, with many expecting them to only be allowed to produce Guy Fawkes masks forevermore.

“What sort of nonsense date was April 12th anyway? A nothing day. You try searching it online. April 14th, that’s a winner. Titanic and all that. Anyway, at least now we can get to finding terrifying images of May on Google and really get into production.”

The choosing of October 31st, or Halloween as it’s also known, shows the keen sense of humour the EU have developed during the process of experiencing a member state in a full blown psychological breakdown.

“It’s either laugh or cry, I suppose,” our mask maker shrugged, “hang on, just let me switch to this Jason mask. The EU27 should really be thanking us. It’s clear we’ve taught them all to have a sense of humour over the last few years. One of the tangible benefits of Brexit. And now they’re just winking and trolling us. I reckon if we have to ask for another extension in late October then they’ll offer us only November 5th.”

The May mask production will be in full flow shortly and mask makers expect them to be a burning success.

“Who else would you wear this Halloween? It’s really a way of saying thanks to the prime minister who’s done so much to help Britons to smile again.”

First images of Theresa May arriving in Brussels to request another Article 50 extension have been released by the Event Horizon team.

”We were a little shocked that the supermassive black hole was so local, to Earth,” lead scientist Professor General Relativity said, “and that it’s not fixed, but moves constantly back and forth between Westminster and Brussels in a fortnightly sequence. This is essentially proof of string theory though, the string the hole is travelling along being Brexit, which is attached to numerous fingers, attached to offshore, tax dodging billionaires.”

What’s exactly on the inside of the Black Hole isn’t clear, as in over the event horizon.

”We suspect it’s Global Britain, the credibility of the office of prime minister, Boris Johnson’s boxer shorts and Lexit, for good measure, but of course we can’t send anyone in to find out, as they’ll be unable to come back out. They’ll be crushed the moment they cross.”

To jazz it up the team have settled on a name for the event horizon.

”We’ve called it No Deal Brexit, or WE’LL BE PERFECTLY FINE TRADING ON WTO RULES!!! But No Deal Brexit is shorter, so let’s stick to that.”

But critics have been quick to accuse the team of releasing fake news.

”We all know the Black Hole is either Boris Johnson as PM or Nigel Farage laughing all the way to the bank. I don’t know why they wasted all the time and effort to take the photo, when just look at Monday’s Telegraph column tells you everything you needed to know about it.”

Whoever is correct probably doesn’t matter, because if the U.K. doesn’t find a reverse gear to move back from the event horizon than everyone will find out, all at once, as we tip over.

https://www.bloomberg.com/amp/news/articles/2019-04-10/merkel-says-extension-should-be-short-as-possible-brexit-update