Category: Global Britain

EYES DOWN AND TAKE IT : The UK is crowing today, even with its downcast gaze, after the overnight news it now tops the GLOBAL GROWTH index for feelings of humiliation.

“Donald Trump’s visit clinched it,” Head of Humiliation policy at the totally independent think tank, Make UK Small Again, Professor Noir Cash, told LCD Views, “prostituting ourselves out to the greatest self serving bigot on the face of the planet? Nice work. We really nailed it. Of course we’re only just edging the USA into second place, but we’re confident we can open up a lead as the Conservative leadership race drags on through the summer.”

And open up a substantial lead we look certain to do. Be proud.

“As long as Brexit remains the official policy of the UK’s government and alternative government, the laughingly named ‘official opposition’, it’s hard to see the yanks pegging us back. Well, unless they fail to impeach the orange twatzinger before the 2020 US presidential campaign kicks into gear.”

The news of the UK’s dominance in feelings of humiliation, and the swell of pride it is causing in the country, will only be bolstered by the knowledge that the majority of the remaining EU27 countries are so far down the league table as to be out of sight.

“Losers. The lot of them,” Professor Noir Cash shrugged, “we’re pulling away from them now we’ve taken back control. They want to focus on Brexit Britain and what a success we’re making of Empire 2.0. Take. Back. Control. It’s the only way to succeed in a 21st century increasingly defined by regional power blocs.”

Street parties are planned shortly to celebrate our success. Tory MPs suggestions that they involve madam’s in leather gear with whips and really demeaning lines in chat are being considered as we speak.

Take it Global Britain. You know you want it. The only safe word is ‘Revoke Article 50’ and neither the temporary leader of the Tories, the prospective leaders, or any shadow front bench MPs are mouthing that as they grimace in the shackles.

WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT : The flagging British tourism sector is said to be anticipating the potential impact today of a Boris Johnson premiership, by reviewing all the dog whistle racism he’s written in newspaper columns.

”It’s grim,” Mrs Howdiditcometothis, told LCD Views, “he can’t help himself. Partially he says these appalling things because he runs away with himself and partially because he’s a world class prat who has zero conscience. Actually, just the prat part. It’s frankly embarrassing, demeaning and we’re anticipating being wiped out if that pound store Trump gets the keys to number 10.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/brexit-uk-tourism-money-economy-visitor-numbers-deficit-travel-eu-tourists-a8929461.html%3famp

But it’s not all bad news. While people may feel less inclined to visit Global Britain, with its racism based governing philosophy, other destinations are certain to see a boost.

”EU27 countries can presumably pick up what we lose,” our insider context sighed, “which is probably what we deserve for allowing this shaming shambles to go on and on, and for not having a national politics that removes people who are happy to be racist at an early stage, like it used to do.”

The hit to the sector is a bit of a shock, as the fall in the value of the pound was supposed to boost inward tourism spending, not see it decline.

”The weaker pound is proving as much use as our weaker reputation on the global stage,” she added, “the only Brexit dividend is that enjoyed by other countries able to capitalise on our mass act of self harm.”

LCD Views thinks it’s unlikely that Boris will become PM, while possible, but if he does it will do to remember the old phrase,

You get the government you deserve.

So it is well passed time even more people began to raise their voice and say about the current state of affairs another old staple,

Not in my name. No ifs, no buts.

BLOWING IN THE WIND : The United Kingdom’s government has moved to reassure voters about the dual concerns of climate change and energy policy today with the confirmation that the U.K. will be entirely powered by renewable faith post Brexit.

”You just have to have faith,” disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox told a tepid press conference, “and hide friends behind curtains.”

The faith itself will be converted into a power source by belief.

”If we all get down on our knees and bow our heads before Brexit, and focus really hard on running our manufacturing entirely on the power of Brexit we can both meet our booming export demands and climate change targets,” the clueless DIT minister nodded, “and make sure to hide our friends behind curtains.”

The new policy is hoped will be even easier to achieve once a new Conservative leader is chosen, as that will be an act entirely done on faith too.

”Experts say we should use what lies about us, but I say we should look within ourselves and just really believe. Oh, and look behind curtains.”

Once the faith has been successfully harnessed to turn turbines and power the Satanic mills of Brexitannia, it will also be used to power our international relations and trade deals.

The announcement did receive cross-party support, as Labour is also currently operating a faith based Brexit policy, which is coupled to faith in the leader.

”We are all about faith these days,” a Labour source commented, “it really unites the believers. Just ask Campbell! Ha!”

It’s believed the first actual structure to be run entirely on faith power will be the chapel the Tories and Labour are planning to timeshare, given they’re both expelling and shedding members who lack belief in Brexit so fast, neither need a broad church anymore.

Believe. Believe in a proper Brexit and keep the fires burning in your hearts. 

EMPIRE 2.0 : Global Britain’s second coming to empire looks to have hit a small archipelago in the BRITISH (IT SAYS BRITISH) Indian Ocean today after a UN vote telling the UK to hand the Chagos Archipelago to Mauritius.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48371388

The dispute over the islands appears to have revealed that not everyone on Earth is especially pleased with the new United Kingdom, after we received less support than usual from so called allies.

“They’ll come around,” a part of Boris Johnson’s brain told LCD Views, “I’ll have a bally warship sent there and that’ll show them what what.”

The statement from the next prime minister of Global Britain was immediately seized upon, as the UK’s reluctance to cede control of the islands centres on its current use as a military outpost.

“We should send a warship to every country that voted against us,” Mark Francois weighed in (meatily, saltily, greasily, gammonily) on Mr Johnson’s behalf, “WE’VE SAVED THEM ALL FROM NAZI GERMANY AND NOW THEY’RE STABBING US IN THE BACK! WE’LL SHOW THEM WHO STABS WHO IN THE BACK! WE’RE GLOBAL BRITONS!”

Plans to send warships to the fifty six states that abstained were also launched, as that’s as good as treason too.

While it’s completely puzzling why the UK should recently be suffering setbacks in international tribunals that we’re accustomed to getting our way with, it’s definitely not connected to telling most of the world to just f off and take their painstakingly developed (after conflicts) rules based orders with them.

“We need to campaign for Unxit,” Francois added, “get 100% of our sovereignty back! That’ll show them!”

Global Britain. Empire 2.0 maybe just a little bit smaller than the first one, but not if we believe hard enough.

“No karates please, we’re British!” Liz Truss MP demands in the intro to a new Home Office film aimed at encouraging the teaching of indigenous, British marital arts instead of foreign nonsense.

“For too long now proper British children have been corrupted by sneaky, foreign cultures using physical exertion as a way to sneak into innocent minds,” she continues, “this stops now! Working with the Home Office I have made a home movie that shows the pure path for British kids is Ecky Thump.”

The film then goes on to show the various ways a black pudding can be used as both an offensive and defensive weapon in situations of physical peril.

But not everyone has greeted the new initiative with the acclaim it deserves.

“Is Ecky Thump an Olympic sport?” a traitor, who we have not named for their own protection, wanted to know, “British teams have a long history of excelling on the international stage in a wide range of foreign sports, not least the martial arts. This is a step backwards that epitomises the bollocks that is Brexit.”

These bad questions merely serve to underline Conservative Party leadership hopeful Truss’ point.

“I would go further,” she adds in an editorial printed in the Saturday Torygraph, to encourage take up of Ecky Thump in schools, “and ban foreign nonsense outright. It’s not enough that British pork and cheese exports under perform due to internal sabotage, must our children never learn to wield a sausage aggressively too?”

LCD Views commends Ms Truss, and the Home Office, in their efforts to reclaim the cultural battlefield as Britain looks forward to a brave future as a pioneering, seafaring, free trading, sausage wielding nation freed of the shackles of the EU.

We would go further too. We urge the government to immediately begin petitioning the Olympic Committee to make Ecky Thump an olympic sport that only proper British people are allowed to compete in. This will ensure a clean sweep of all the gold medals.

The popular 1970’s British culture group, The Goodies, known as advocates for the martial art, were not available for comment. Buggered if we can work out why.

OPEN BOOK : The Government has hit back today strongly against idiots who say using Huawei 5G hardware is a security risk.

“Everyone can see through Brexit Britain anyway?” Security Minister, Mr Leak, told LCD Views, because he left his phone turned on during a meeting with colleagues, “I don’t see what all the fuss is about? What are we hiding?”

Suspicions that the choice of Huawei for vital infrastructure is more aimed at the governing Conservative party currying favour with the Chinese government, after chopping down, chipping and setting fire to the magic money tree, were also rebutted.

“We already gave them a nuclear power plant job and shut down a renewable tidal scheme in Wales, to encourage the locals to get behind the next generation of nuclear? Why not our internet? Seriously. We aren’t going to get the best facial recognition software for social scoring our population, post Brexit, if we have to make it ourselves. Our xenophobic immigration policies are disincentivizing the next generation of nerds coming here and we can’t grow our own fast enough. Let’s just hope they treat us softly when they hack us. Glass half full time, what?”

But the refusal to change course is leading to confrontation with the USA.

“We can get them back on side by joining in whatever war Trump needs to start to shore up his base for the 2020 election game. Brush off the WMD playbook chaps! This is Global Britain.”

It’s not sure the kickback will be enough though to stop the complaints from so called experts, worried that using the Chinese firm will lead to less cooperation with allies on intelligence.

“What intelligence? Intelligence has nothing whatsoever with our decisions. And besides, given both major political parties are committed to Brexit, in spite of broad awareness that it’s an agenda riddled with foreign interference and illegality, no one is going to want to tell us secrets anyway.”

Global Britain Empire 2.0, we’ve nothing to hide, and everything to give away. Just maybe don’t talk about your dirty secrets when you are standing next to your smart fridge once we’ve gone 5G.

Boris Johnson, the world’s greatest statesman, according to Boris Johnson, has made his move. Typically understated, he intends to be the final leader of a once great country.

Past Her Prime Minister, Theresa May, has promised to step down at some nebulous point in the future. Boris hopes to step into her kitten heels as leader of the Conservative Unionist National Tory party.

“Successor means success!” exclaimed Johnson, dangling triumphantly in mid-air and waving flags. “Somebody told me Theresa would go down in history as the worst PM ever. I said, hold my beer!”

You also stated that you intend to be the last PM of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

“Well, flibber my gibbets!” chuckled Johnson. “So I did! Boris means Brexit, and I will deliver it. By courier if necessary!”

Meaning?

“Meaning that if – no, when – Brexit happens, my glory will be everlasting. The Empire will flock back to the mother country. It won’t be Great Britain, I will be the first Emperor of Global Britain!”

Boris the first does have a ring to it.

“Boris the Great!” corrected Johnson. “Boris the Mighty. Boris the Animal!”

Peeking under under the Emperor’s New clothes to see Boris’ naked ambition, is commentator Piers Closely.

“Boris Johnson sucks!” claims Closely, acronymically. “All that knob wants, apart from a steady supply of curvaceous blondes, is power. He wants to out-Trump Trump. That’s a lot of hot air!”

Will it happen, though?

“Not in a million years!” replied Closely. “If Boris realises his ambition, then Scotland will finally lose its patience and split away. Wales will surely follow, and Northern Ireland will grit its teeth and unite with Eire.”

And stay in the EU, no doubt.

“It will be the end of a union, just not the one Boris hoped for,” concluded Closely. “Then Wessex, Cornwall and Yorkshire will declare independence, and Boris will end up as Prince of Nowhere Very Much.”

King of Little Britain? Yeah. But no. But yeah. But no.

THIS OR THAT : A leaked memo from Conservative HQ today suggests the UK’s governing Tory Party has narrowed its choice of campaign literature for the upcoming EU elections down to two draft leaflets.

”It’s one or the other,” Mr Burn Burns, campaign chief, told LCD Views, “Labour have already gone down the blackmail route, if you don’t vote for them it’s your fault the U.K. is a fascist utopia, as opposed to a Stalinist fetish club, so we’ve got to find another way to differentiate ourselves. It’s a bit of a bugger, which is normally quite popular.”

The leak reveals the party has at least settled on a basic formula or stealing from classic literature.

”Lord of the Flies is my pick for how to best symbolise our vision for a post Brexit U.K., well, England, as that’s all there will be of course. But others want to go with Dante’s Inferno. That’s too superstitious to my mind. Also it’s foreign, which is just not British.”

The matter is expected to be settled later at a cabinet meeting, before Ms May does what she wants anyway.

”It’s going to be costly to distribute 10’s of millions of free copies of the classic novel about the country,” Mr Burns admits, “I’m not sure we can afford to. Heaven help us if people start mailing them back without a stamp.”

To get passed that hurdle Mr Burns at least has a work around.

”My suggestion is we only drop copies off to people likely to vote Conservative,” he says, “which should be about half a dozen.”

DIVINE INTERVENTION: LCD Views has been granted an interview today with a God, we’re not sure if it’s the God, because there’s too many of those, but given the status of any God relative to a globally British, print based, publishing superpower like ourselves and any God, we took it.

GOD : AVERT YOUR EYES!

Gary : Yes God. Why God?

GOD : You don’t question GOD!

Gary : But how can I interview you if I don’t?

GOD : Don’t be a smart ass or I’ll smite you. Now, I advise you to wear these sunglasses. Put them on and wait while I’ll set up this portable screen I carry about with me.

Gary : What is the screen for?

GOD : You don’t question GOD!

Gary : Sorry God.

GOD : It’s so you can look upon my general direction. I’ll sit behind this screen so my light doesn’t turn you to cinders while we talk.

Gary : That’s very considerate of you. What would you like to tell us?

GOD : It’s funny isn’t it?

Gary : What is?

GOD : You see the smoke rising behind the screen? That’s my smiting finger heating up! STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

Gary : I’m used to asking questions in interviews…

GOD : Kneel before me! Make your worship clear. I am sitting on my smiting finger, but I can’t keep it under my buttocks for long! I’m not wearing my flame retardant long johns!

Gary : Should I make an offering?

GOD : More questions! But yes, leave some cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey in the bowl that is about to magically appear in front of the screen.

Gary : Maybe you’d better just make your statement and leave?

GOD : Health and safety grounds?

Gary : Yes. I want to survive to write this up.

GOD : FINE! Good suggestion mortal. I just wanted you to let the gammon know that all the English teams playing the finals of the European soccer competitions being EU27 citizens, who came here with freedom of movement, is my way of trolling the Brexiters!

Gary : Very good God. Thank you God.

GOD : Say it again.

Gary : Thank you God.

GOD : All of it!

Gary : Very good God. Thank you God.

GOD : You’re getting the hang of it. In a second you will hear a loud ‘KAPOW’ sound. That will be me leaving.

KAPOW!

Gary : God! You forgot the bowl with the offerings! God!

He isn’t listening anymore. Sigh. I’ll guess he’ll be back.

CUNNING PLANS : The government has announced today the launch of the TOP SECRET initiative, ‘Operation : OVERTWEET’, developed by the genuises at the Department for International Trade.

“It’s to get better Brexit facts into the public domain,” a spokesman who does his best to avoid Liam Fox announced,

“this will ensure Global Britain is perceived as the biggest dog on the block when it comes time to renegotiate nearly 800 international agreements, most of which were signed up to as part of the failing trading bloc, aka EU.”

But critics were quick to point out that it’s hardly top secret if they are holding an announcement?

”We’re hiding in plain sight. It’s the art of camouflage,” the spokesman winked, “although an advisor to Liam said it would be better to hide the initiative behind a curtain, we’ve posted it on Facepamphlet instead. It’s very cunning. Once it has successfully gotten into remoaner groups on that platform and improved the facts available we will move onto other social media platforms.”

But you’ve called it Operation OVERTWEET?

”Yes. That’s because a special automated system will trawl Twitter to correct bad facts and make them good ones, while not overtly changing the appearance of the original tweet.”

But you’ve not launched it on that platform?

”Next question?”

The funding for the initiative, which is certain to succeed, was diverted from emergency services like A&E and ambulances, as they’d just waste it anyway.

”It’ll pay for itself once it comes time to negotiate access for chlorine carrying chickens with the USA into the British market,” the spokesman reassured, “we’ll see who sucks then.”

The public can also assist. If you see a post with bad facts that don’t support Brexit simply alert DIT and they’ll have that turd polished in a jiffy. Do your bit Global Britains [Britons] and we can’t help but impress.”