Category: Global Britain

GAMMON REINCARNATE – Archaeologists working at the site of that most famous of ancient disasters, Pompeii, have begun to reconstruct lost faces, frozen in time the day the volcano blew its top.

“Each frozen body is an exact recording of the person and the moment they were encased in volcanic ash,” Professor Phake Knus, forensic archaeologist, told LCD Views, “right down to their facial expressions and whether or not they were left or right handed, or in some cases, impressively ambidextrous.”

And the faces emerging after nearly 2,000 years are surprisingly familiar.

“It’s led to a bit of a debate about reincarnation amongst the team,” the professor reveals, “as this isn’t the first time. Reconstruction of Anglo-Saxon faces, using excavated skulls, from the Battle of Hastings also showed the same individuals as those we’re finding in Pompeii. I would argue it’s just inherited traits, congenital idiot-logical defects being passed down, but others are convinced it’s proof of a constant cycle of death and rebirth.”

But who are the individuals who keep popping up?

“A good example is the most recent reconstruction. The individual we know was called ‘Markus Francoisius’ who died in the catastrophe of 79 AD.”

The professor shows us a side by side of their Pompeii reconstruction and a photo of the modern Brexit Party MP, Monsieur Mark Francois. It’s indisputable. Uncanny even.

“The ancient Markus Francoisius was a lobbyist for a commercial venture arguing for the construction of residential complexes on the flanks of Mount Vesuvius,” the professor adds, “even as the mountain was smoking and giving a clear signal that a disaster was coming. We know his occupation from artefacts recovered from the toilet in his villa, where his remains were found.”

Did you recover his writing tablets?

“No. There were ancient crayon drawings found next to his remains. Interestingly, his head was in the toilet bowl. We don’t know if he placed it in there in terror, moments before the disaster destroyed his world, or if he was simply trying to get his head into his backside to feel safer, as the lava begun to flow. People often seek a familiar surrounding in times of extreme stress.”

So you’re saying Mark Francois has existed before?

“Yes and his ilk. Reconstruction of the faces from Pompeii, and Hastings, has given us not only little Mark, but exact likenesses of Kate Hoey, Jacob Rees-mogg, David Davis, well it goes on, a whole catalogue of individuals recur time and time again. Whenever there’s a disaster that was clearly signposted, but warnings intentionally ignored for selfish reasons, we find them cheerleading.”

The results of the professor’s work will shortly be on display at the British Museum. The exhibition is called “Gammon Reincarnate – faces of fools from the dawn of time” and entry is only £350m, per week.

CHOPE AWARD FOR SERVICES TO SOCIETY : Mark Field MP has seized the headlines today much in the way he seized the neck of a woman last night, and he’ll be hoping he’s ejected from the news cycle with the brutality and speed with which he ejected the woman he took hold of.

“His behaviour was instinctive,” a defender of Mark Field told us today, “if you see a member from an opposing clan you do what you have to do to show your entitlement and superiority. It’s instinctive. She’s just lucky he wasn’t holding a sun bleached femur at the time.”

And the lack of a weapon is a central defence for the MP’s behaviour.

“Just imagine if she had been carrying a bone herself?” the early human ancestor asked, “she may have smuggled it in passed all the machine gun toting security at the entrance and through the bag searchers. It’s likely the security services present in the room were asleep too. So some enraged monkey just had to act.”

The ‘instinctive’ defence is also useful for raising more questions.

What would he have instinctively done faced with a female individual who had made him furious and there weren’t scores of witnesses and cameras present?

Or was he just furious that his pomp and circumstance was interrupted by an opposing view?

You really have to ask yourself what’s more important.

Young people terrified that politicians in league with fossil fuel money are going to burn their future and world to the ground, or Mark Field’s need to feel important in a room full of the same people?

It’s just as well he was there, otherwise the woman may have used more words to signal her opposition to his opinions and there’s nothing that makes an alpha male at dinner angrier than that.

CAN YOU RAISE ATLANTIS : The United Kingdom has apparently been removed from the ‘Hall of Democracies – Blue Planet” exhibition, if reports on inter-galatic social media site, MilkyWayWay, are correct.

“Shortly before 4am, GMT, Professor Bugeyed Furrball of the University of Stars, Sirius 9 campus, posted on his timeline that after careful re-evaluation of the exhibits relating to planets civilised by intelligent life forms, he had decided to remove the United Kingdom from the sub-section relating to democracy,” our inter-galatic correspondent reports this morning, from a garden shed on Earth.

The removal of the UK from the exhibition has long been anticipated after the country decided to do its utmost to turn itself into a banana republic.

“The fraudulent advisory referendum of 2016 was the start of the slide of the UK’s universal reputation as a well managed democracy,” our correspondent continues, “although there had been concerns for some time that persisting with the anachronistic FPTP electoral system may have been sufficient in itself to see the UK removed,” our correspondent continues, “also the thinly veiled decision to turn London into one big money laundering racket, for the profit of certain political figures and their kleptocratic chums from various overseas places, was also shining a bright light onto the UK.”

But what will happen to the UK’s exhibit now that it has been removed by the alien anthropologist?

“It will still be displayed,” our correspondent advises, “anyone, or anything, can view it at the museum. It’s just been removed to the hall named ‘Countries governed by different types of fruit’. In our case we’re now represented by a banana. But at least it’s a straight one.”

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RED, WHITE AND BLUE BREXIT : So called President of the United States, Donald Trump, has made a late entry into the Tory leadership contest today with a single tweet.

At a little after 5am this morning, as POTUS began his ritual ‘executive time’ on the White House toilet, he fired off the tweet that sent shockwaves through the governing Conservative Party.

“Before the tweet an empty chair was the most popular to takeover when Theresa May’s cold hands are prized off the keys to Downing Street,” our transatlantic correspondent corresponded, “then Boris Johnson, then Jeremy Who Rhymes and after that just fcuk knows. But with his actions on the famous social media site Donald Trump is now the clear favourite.”

Queries about the legality of Trump entering the race to be the UK’s next PM have been brushed aside because the law doesn’t matter anymore in the UK or the USA.

“It’s a smart play,” our analyst continues, “he waited for some of the obvious losers to eliminate themselves before throwing his hat into the ring. There’s little that stands in his way now from entering Downing Street except common sense. So nothing really, as the UK abandoned any pretence to being sensible when the Tories were re-elected to govern on their own in 2015.”

Trump’s ascendancy to the top job in British politics offers continuity in government too, as one of the primary drivers of the executive since 2015 has been to make US billionaires happy.

“It really just cuts out the middle man too,” our analyst observed, “if any Brexit does occur the UK will be run entirely from the White House anyway.”

At last, a real Brexit dividend. Manufacturers of popcorn are backing Boris ‘Fuck Business’ Johnson, seeking a boost in sales.

The probable next PM, Boris Johnson is likely to allow this country to fall into dereliction. However, observers will enjoy watching the spectacle while tucking into a tasty snack. Great theatre, dreadful politics.

You can picture the scene. Boris turns up to an important summit, 15 minutes late and completely unprepared. Half an hour of good-natured waffle (including a hilarious anecdote about Theresa May and a sausage roll) later, and nothing will have been achieved, but everyone will be in his power. Global Britain reduced to an admittedly well honed comedy act.

It is our duty to watch the compelling spectacle unfold with equal measures of laughter, horror and popcorn.

“It’s a golden opportunity,” remarks SuperPop! CEO, Carrie-Mel Flava. “We are taking on staff and opening premises across the country in anticipation. We have taken £350m in orders in one week for the new Westminster branch alone.”

Flava has put a complete range of Brexit popcorns on the market. For example, Strong And SuperPop!, which disintegrates under the slightest pressure. Then there’s Sunlit Uplands, which contains a few sad grains of corn to pop yourself. Finally, there is the Brexit Dividend, which is an enormous bag containing an IOU.

Hollywood is already in London, filming location shots for The Brexit Movie. We are anticipating a spectacular high budget disaster film, starring Tom Hanks as Boris Johnson.

“We are aiming British themed popcorn at the American market,” says Flava. “There won’t be any cinemas left in the UK after we crash out, but the Americans love the 51st State and its people. We are already trialling some cool new varieties. Nice Cup Of Tea flavour popcorn, Sweet Nostalgia flavour, and Bitter Disappointment.”

Boris will be bad for Britain, but great for sales of popcorn. And we have a ringside seat!

MANNERS MAKETH THE COUNTRY: Pick me! Pick me! The contest to replace Theresa May as Tory Party leader, and very possibly prime minister, is heating up, with a clear front and rear runner.

”Rory Stewart has no chance at all,” our leadership analyst muses (we’re not so sure), “he’s prepared to smoke opium just to keep foreigners happy. The Tory Party, being composed predominantly of well heeled, well salted gammon, will take a very dim view of that. What else will he do if prime minister? He might attempt to make friends. Can he be guaranteed to swan about the world, Trumpesque, laying the diplomatic equivalent of number two’s? Reminding everyone he encounters that the SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE!”

We can see why he’s the rear runner.

”Sajid Javid? He’s striving to show he can upset foreigners. In fact as Home Office minister he’s going to great strides to follow in Theresa May’s foul footsteps. But he’s got Buckley’s. Most of the Conservative membership probably think he is a foreigner and are puzzled why he’s in government.”

What about Dominic Raab?

”Who?”

Dominic Raab. He was Brexit Secretary until he realised he was Brexit Secretary.

”Oh. Well he’s a good middle of the pack runner. He knows how to upset the French. That was on display when he discovered Calais. But he’s not carrying enough tools for the job. He needs to go and get stuck into people further away. We need global reach.”

Michael Gove?

”No way! He’s done more to boost Latin American exports than anyone else in the contest. He’s supposed to be making Britain great again. We’re a global trading powerhouse who only exports, never imports. As such he can go away.”

What about the number two after this week’s ballot, Jeremy Hunt?

”Now he has some form. I’ll give you that. He can’t tell if his wife is Chinese or Japanese, for reasons no one knows except himself. He compared the EU to the Soviet Union. He thought Slovenia was a Soviet vassal state too. Clearly his Cold War knowledge is as sketchy as his Far East facial recognition system. That’s why he polled second highest.”

And the front runner, Boris Johnson?

”Surely this needs no explanation. In a contest revolving around xenophobia as a pre-condition, Mr Johnson is far away in the lead. If you can name a people on the face of the Earth he hasn’t insulted then we’ll let him know so he can get right on it.”

BORIS THE BUILDER : Great news today with the promise by everyone’s favourite cartoon politician, Boris Johnson, that he is going to build a wall in the English Channel, and better yet…

“Brussels is going to pay for it!” Boris told a packed press hall of Tory media sycophants and sweaty, middle aged male MPs.

“How Brussels will pay for it, you may ask?” Boris continued, “it will be as easy as um, as easy as ah, picking up a blonde bit on the side and hiding her from your wife! Ha!”

Additional to the infidelity will be the £39bn owing to Brussels under the terms of the Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated by outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May, and her team. You know, that little bit about meeting our agreed international obligations? Yeah, we don’t do that now.

“I will bang on and bang on about the £39bn because I expect common, hard working, tabloid reading English folk to see a large number and go waaaaaaaa!” Boris illuminated, “much like the false £350m claim on my bus! It’s a big number isn’t it? You plebs! Waaaahaaaa!”

Just don’t ever put it in the context of national budgets. And defiantly don’t mention what you get back for it.

As to when the building of the wall in the English Channel will begin? Boris was ready for that.

“The moment after I become Prime Minister I will be off to Brussels to tell Junker to go whistle!” Boris continued, “well, that will be after I visit Rupert Murdoch in his dark tower in New York to get the traditional blessing for a new premiership. Actually, that will be second after I go and see Arlene Foster and promise to pay her whatever she needs to continue the hilariously named confidence and supply agreement. As easy as one, two, three!”

Materials needed for the wall are already to hand, as England is just heaving with untapped mines of lego blocks.

“It’ll be done in a jiffy! Just like all my building plans!”

People will get their pockets filled with public money and the outcome isn’t important because filling private pockets with public money is the only modern Conservative policy!

“No island is a man, but with a wall all around it the UK can be Donald Trump’s personal island colony! Paaaaazaaaaaa!”

If Boris builds it, no one will come, which is just the way his Brexit backing supporters seem to want it…

HIGH IMPORTS : With the weekend revelations that the majority of Tory candidates to replace Theresa May are smacked out of their brains most  of the time, Global Britain can look forward to a solid trading future with Latin America.

“The very first day after I become prime minister I’ll be on a plane to Colombia,” almost anyone of them can say, “a light aircraft clearly that will fly low enough to avoid radar and return home with hold all’s heaving with class A drugs.”

The plan to import mountains of narcotics from countries famous for the export is a sure sign that whoever takes over will be up to the challenge.

“You’re going to need to be wasted all the time just to cope with the pressure,” our political analyst says, “I mean May has left behind her a complete and utter shitshow. You’d have to be high to think you can clean up the mess and make a success of Brexit. Thankfully most of the candidates to be prime minister are just that.”

It’s believed that securing a trade deal with cocaine producing countries will allow the UK to remain the gateway to the EU27 for third countries.

“Clearly we have to replace what’s left of our traditional manufacturing base with something. Why not the import and export of mountainous quantities of powders? And traditional herbal remedies? It’s a no brainer.”

Suppliers of accessories are thought to be anticipating a boom too. With small plastic bags and lottery slips certain to be in high demand as the UK moves to being entirely pharmaceutical based economy.

“Global Britain, you don’t need to be high to live here, but it helps.”

THREE STOOGES ALRIGHT : Leaked documents from Downing Street today reveals the three men who masterfully negotiated with the EU are all set to take on the US in any future trade deal negotiations.

”Negotiating the Brexit deal has battle hardened them,” a trade expert employed by the government comments, “Davis already had a reputation for knowing when to cut and run and his time wrangling with Barnier was a tour de force in getting out of dodge. He’ll go in first to soften the yanks up.”

Once Davis has thrown up his hands, certain to be bloodied, and gone back to propping up a bar, then Raab will go in next, whether or not he’s prime minister at the time.”

“Dominic Raab is hard as nails. Especially in the forehead. We call him the ram behind closed doors. He can but his head against anything and walk away, dazed, but completely none the wiser. We expect he’ll really confuse the over confident Americans. Once he’s dealt some body blows it’ll be time to send in number three for the coup de grace.”

And this is where Stephen Barclay comes in. A man described as both “just happy to be there” and also as “virtually invisible.”

“Once Barclay strolls in whistling a happy tune the Americans will know it’s all over. The NHS, our pharma industry and financial services, tagged and bagged and ready for delivery. The yanks have seen how we handled the EU, they know what’s coming for them. Global Britain Empire 2.0, that’s who.”