Category: Global Britain

BYE BYE BORISTANNIA : Scotland has this afternoon begun construction on a fifteen mile border wall from Berwick to Gretna Green, and the EU has agreed to pay for it.

Plans for the border wall were drawn up some weeks back.

”As soon as the Conservative Party in England announced its intention to hold a sham leadership election, just to give a barely plausible credibility to Boris Johnson entering Downing Street, we got out the drawing board,” Professor Bobby Bruise told LCD Views, “it was a pretty straightforward issue. If England is determined to sink under the weight of a Trump tribute act, that’s their choice. It’s not our choice now. Now it’s a declaration of universal independence. And a bloody great wall to prove it.”

Funding for the project has been provided by the EU’s regional development fund. This has been described by Michel Barnier as “well worth it” and “the German carmakers actually demanded it”.

It’s not entirely certain how the new Johnson administration will react to the construction of the wall. Mark Francois, widely tipped to take over as Secretary of Defence, will presumably decide to build a giant rabbit in the hope of getting through it.

”We’ve thought of that,” Professor Bruise said, “we’ve arranged to have giant speakers erected across the street from 10 Downing Street. Benny Hill music is going to be played 24/7 at eleven. Mr Boris will be too busy running around half naked. He has a Pavlov’s dog style reaction to the music.”

Completion of the wall is expected by the end of October 31st this year, just in time for English refugees from Boristannia to queue up on the English side and request access.

WE’RE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES : Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt has been on the blower to Brussels overnight to underscore the demand from German carmakers that the EU send a naval task force to the Strait of Hormuz to protect British ships.

“EU army bad, EU navy good,” a spokesman for Mr Hunt told LCD Views, “we’re very adaptable to circumstances. On the good days when we are high after drinking our own piss and believe we can conquer the world, again, the EU can go whistle. On the bad days? When we’re low and feeling really small, well it’s only right that they step up to the plate and help an old friend out. After all, they need us more than we need them.”

And the credible threat of lower prosecco imports into the UK is not the only reason the EU has responded rapidly to the latest British request.

“They’re simply a lot more mature than us. Consider that the Foreign Secretary asking them to help recently compared them to the Soviet tyranny?” the spokesman shrugged, “but we’re having more fun at Global Britain plc. We’re here for a good time, not a long time! Yay Brexit! It’s made us shameless.”

But while British registered shipping may breathe a little easier, once the multi-national union of naval assets appears to escort them through the Strait of Hormuz, the UK had better hope that the next time Donald Trump tricks us into doing something stupid the EU is still there to pick up the pieces.

“We have a special relationship with the EU,” the spokesman added, “we’re like an immature, ex-boyfriend who’s walked out to shag about, but always ends up on the phone at 5am, drunk, lost in the centre of town, no wallet and needing a lift home. It’s just a good thing the EU knows they needs us more than we need them.”

Whether or not the EU is actually feeling schadenfreude over the ships we don’t know, as they’re too mature to tell us publicly. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

LEAPING BEFORE BEING PUSHED : The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have resigned from government today, saying they won’t serve under Boris Johnson should he become PM, as widely expected.

The collective issued a joint statement, to no one’s surprise, asserting that they were already exhausted by three years of the May premiership, backed onto the years 2010 – 2016, and they simply couldn’t fathom serving under the bungling clown act that is to follow.

“Look, just look at the work I’ve done in the food bank sector already,” Famine stated, “it’s booming. I’ve worked my fingers to the bone. I think a change at the top is a good time to move on to greener pastures.”

And Famine wasn’t alone. Death said the DWP had exhausted it and it was going to take a sabbatical and pursue its hobby of people dying in showering accidents, although it is widely expected to be lobbied hard to return should Mr Johnson pursue a No Deal Brexit.

Plague was similarly unenthusiastic about the change in regime, saying “I’m already on everyone’s houses. What more can I do? Double down? Plague means plague and I’ve made a success of it.”

As to War, he is expected to stick about and continue to work for free as a Minister of Every Portfolio, once Mr Johnson needs a big enough distraction to avert attention away from the build up to revoking Article 50.

An aide to Mr Johnson was non-plussed, pointing to widely trailed media rumours that IDS, Rees-mogg, Raab and Patel were going to return to government, so the famous four horsemen would not be missed and continuity of their work assured.

UK EN-GULFED BY CRISIS : Futurologists working at the Institute of What’s Up Next Week, Totnes, have been asked to provide their best guess as to what the UK can expect after the first week of Boris Johnson as PM.

“Well, the UK can expect to be a lot smaller if Boris Johnson enters 10 Downing Street and doesn’t run right back out again after a blonde woman,” Professor Boffin advised, “especially England. We conservatively predict that half of mainland England, and many islands, will have been seized by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards by the end of week one. Which has a certain logic, seeing as it’s little England that will make him PM.”

The forecast is based on the inherent nature of Boris Johnson.

“He’s a Frank Spencer, with the difference that he doesn’t mean well. He’ll bumble about, faced with crisis, adding fuel to the fires. I wouldn’t send any UK naval assets after those tankers. The Boris touch will see them moored in Iranian ports half an hour after they arrive on scene.”

But surely the Professor is just exaggerating, because he’s a remainer?

“Look. Just look at Brexit? The project Boris has championed from early 2016. How’s that working out? International players are using it to take advantage of the United Kingdom and Boris is currently just making buses out of wine boxes. What’s it going to be like when he attempts to make an entire cabinet out of them? I’d leave now. While you still can. I predict by this time next week I’ll be in the Artic Circle. Just to sure.”

But critics of the forecast have also seized on one of the underlying principles used in the modelling.

“This forecast is based on Boris Johnson actually doing some work,” an armchair opined, “and there’s actually very little chance of that at all.”

But a defender of Mr Johnson’s record has poured scorn on the suggestion he’ll suffer as a result, after all, whatever happens it’ll just be Boris being Boris…

COMING UP TRUMPS : Global Britain is set to take centre stage on the Washington stage after a famous photo of Neville Chamberlain was chosen to be the next U.K. ambassador to Trump’s USA.

”It wasn’t difficult,” an aide close to Boris Johnson (widely believed to have been instrumental in the constructive dismissal of the last ambassador) told LCD Views, “as we needed someone who properly symbolises our response to the Trump regime tearing children away from their families. Oh, and holding thousands of people in inhuman conditions in cages.”

What the photo itself thinks isn’t clear, but it’s presumed it’ll see the opportunity for career advancement and take it.

”Peace in our time,” the insider explained, “that’s the message. Let Donald Trump appoint and fire our diplomatic staff via tantrums on social media and let there be peace between tyrants, in our time.”

The news may come as a blow to some though.

”Oswald Mosley was in the running, but he’s dead and we don’t know where he is. So a no show is a no go.”

But Nigel Farage was also picked as a likely replacement to Kim Darroch. A man with experience on the world stage who could strike the right tone in diplomatic cables back from Washington. And fast too, as he’d just shout praise for the thin skinned, tiny handed, orange tyrant from a mobile LBC studio.

”Sadly he couldn’t take the post,” the insider shrugged, “he’s far too busy with his work as an MEP.”

LEAKPROOF IS FOOLPROOF : The MIGHTY BRITISH Government has today announced a diplomatic PR drive in the wake of the Darroch scandal.

The drive, with the working title of ‘Believe In US’ will go on throughout the summer and is aimed at winning back lost reputational cache after the UK’s ambassador to the USA was rightly set up and felled on the world stage. All thought criminals will face the same justice.

”Just because we’re turning on our own doesn’t mean you can’t trust us,” mouthpiece for the campaign, Isabell Oldshaft, told LCD Views, “we’re rooting out our own traitors. We’re putting the fear of being labelled heretic for honestly doing your job into our own people. Not yours. You can trust US.”

As part of the PR drive, which can’t fail to reassure our grateful trading partners and colonies, fresh posters have been produced to be displayed at imperial outposts across the globe.

“This can only help with our outreach mission,” Oldshaft commented, “and the battalion of catchy phrases too. Such as ‘Brexit Britain – send us your cash, but keep your people at home’, such instructive, trendy messaging will hopefully save us from having to deport so many undesirables. Believe in Brexit. Believe in purity.”

The posters will also be available to purchase at home and it is recommended that every house buys one and displays it proudly in a street facing window.

”Get ahead of the game on that one,” Oldshaft suggested, “once the PR campaign has won back our reputation as a country sensiblely governed by mature, forward looking, pragmatic people, then we’ll be taking the purge from the civil service and into each and every home.”

Believe in US. Or face the consequences.

INTERNATIONAL BULLY CHAMPIONSHIPS : UK’s next entry into the International Bully Championships, Boris Johnson, has promised to stand up to tantrum throwing twitter twatter, Donald Trump, by hiding behind the Downing Street sofa.

”Oh golly, gosh, has he gone yet?” Boris Johnson said earlier today, from behind the sofa where he is currently staying. Wherever that is, “sssshhhhh. Keep it down. Just flick the lights on and off twice when he’s gone. Got it? Roger? Wilco? Foxtrot? I’m not here. Tell him I’m not here.”

The confirmation of the bold strategy of the man most likely to be the UK’s next prime minister has been welcomed by the civil service.

”It’s reassuring to know Mr Johnson will have our backs in a hostile and changeable international landscape,” a FCO source said, “even if he’s only got our backs so he can stick the knife in if he calculates it suits his short term interests.”

To help make a success of the hiding strategy it’s understood even now that Mr Johnson has asked his girlfriend, and the next First Lady of the United Kingdom, a certain Ms Symonds, to go shopping for,

”the biggliest, bally sofa you can find. Just make it huge. If you can’t find one big enough to hide my bulk behind then buy two big ones and we’ll put one on top of the other.”

Other measures are also planned to stand up to Donald Trump.

”Mr Johnson will be writing formally to the President to request he appoints Ivanka Trump as the next U.K. ambassador to the USA. That ought to do it. Who needs a diplomatic service anyway? What’s if ever done for us? Boris will be using the services of 55 Tufton Street for all that.”

THOROUGHBRED NO SENSE : The UK’s last prime minister, unless Tory rebels actually rebel, Boris Johnson, has said today that he will replace the serving U.K. ambassador to the US with a very small horse.

Speaking at a private function, so the rumour goes, he is said to have made the completely unverified promise.

”A Falabella,” Mr Johnson announced, “an animal fitting in stature to the change in U.K. standing that myself and that other untamed stallion, Brexit, have foisted upon the U.K.”

It’s believed under the scheme, details of which are still being fleshed out, that the tiny pony will be able to live comfortably on the lawn outside the White House. Conveniently positioned for touching photo shoots with Ivanka.

But critics of the wheeze have pointed out that while charming, a miniature pony won’t be able to accurately assess and relate the dynamics of Trumpistan’s administration.

”That’s entirely the point,” a spokesman for a US dark money funded ‘charity’ – Civil Society Pays for Itself by Magic – clarified, “all the real diplomatic work will be carried out via my US billionaire bankrolled colleagues at 55 Tufton Street. The ambassador will be a symbolic post. Although personally I would have chosen a poodle.”

Whether or not Mr Trump will attempt to ride the pony is open to speculation, although it’s believed it should be safe if they don’t pick one with a blonde mane.

”Trump can just open the window and shout at it,” the spokesman added, “which is how the U.K. will be governed post Brexit. Directly.”

Mr Johnson is thought to personally favour the ploy as it should sufficiently distract the people while their will is being directed for Mr Johnson from the White House, and instantaneously via outbursts on Twitter.

And for his part Jeremy Hunt has confirmed, in the unlikely event he becomes PM instead, he will replace the Ambassador with a moral vacancy, ie, he’ll do the job personally.

CALLS FOR HELP HEARD : The world famous team at International Rescue claim they have located an entire country down a giant rabbit hole.

Shortly before 6am this morning, it is reported, Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward was driving her six wheeled Rolls Royce to the only off licence open early in her neighbourhood that sells tea, when she heard the call for help.

She initially attempted to contact Brains, but discovered he is no longer in the United Kingdom, having left it upon the decision to Brexit.

“I next sent a text to John Tracy, but he also failed to answer. I believe he was orbiting over the Atlantic at the time. He was almost certainly stoned, with his headphones on listening to David Bowie,” Lady Penelope wrote in her regular blogpost, “happily I was able to contact Virgil, because he isn’t a waster.”

The pair located the source of the call for help together and are at this moment attempting to round up the rest of the International Rescue crew to agree on a plan of action.

“The country is down a rabbit hole,” Lady Penelope continues, “and it’s a deep one. I suspect it has actually progressed to being a sinkhole now, when you consider who the next leader is expected to be. The call for assistance is repetitive though, in spite of this, just hard to discern at times over the jingoistic bombast that is also being broadcast.”

It’s believed Jeff Tracy himself will have to coordinate any rescue attempt, but some complications are suspected, as he was recently seen at a Brexit Party rally.

“The country almost certainly has the capacity to rescue itself,” Lady Penelope added, “but in order to get out of the rabbit hole certain leading individuals will have to stop blinking at the headlights of oncoming disaster and act quickly.”

The country is thought to be the United Kingdom. Portions of it are expected to emerge intact whatever International Rescue do. But the rescue itself is apparently complicated by other individuals down the hole who believe digging deeper is the only way to get out.

“All they really need to do to get out is turn around and go back the way they came,” Lady Penelope shrugs, “oh and start holding public inquiries into the massive amount of corruption, lawbreaking, electoral crime and political bollocks that saw them go down the hole to begin with.”

THE WOMAN IN BLERGH : Reports of a ghost haunting the G20 summit have materialised in news reports overnight, with more than one world leader saying they felt a shiver crawl up their spine.

”There was discussion about sending for an exorcist, but once the vengeful spirit was identified as being the woman in Brexit, well, everyone just shrugged and carried on,” our G20 correspondent reports, “as the Brexit spirit is powerless internationally. It’s more of a domestic energy drain.”

What the spirit was seeking isn’t clear, as no one bothered to ask it.

”It was clearly trying to create a hostile environment,” our correspondent continues, “presumably drawn by the concentration of so many non-English people in one place. But this particular wrathful devil has no power beyond its usual haunted house in Blighty.”

And while European leaders found the ghost mildly dispiriting, before dismissing it, two world leaders in particular seemed to welcome it.

”Trump and Putin seemed to find the spirit fun,” our correspondent continues, “laughing about it and backslapping one another in its presence. This raised the spectre of who the Brexit spirit serves really? As it certainly can’t be the land it emanates from.”

What the Japanese hosts of the summit will do if it lingers isn’t yet clear.

Although there are credible suggestions that if they can draw it into the proximity of a vintage Mitsubishi aeroplane, the type used long ago in WW2 for kamikaze attacks, that the spirit will fly the plane home and seek to crash it into the U.K. to further create a legacy of its time haunting 10 Downing Street.