Category: Global Britain

YAPPY AND IRRITATING : Great news today of the revolution continuing across England, and its regions like Scotland, with the confirmation that the British bulldog has been up cycled into an English Chihuahua.

“It was Boris leaving Bute House by the back door that finished the job,” a Downing Street spokesman said, “something of which we’re all immensely proud. He arrived all barrel chested and big teeth, but left with his tail between his legs after the Scots revealed his actual spirit animal is not a bulldog, but something much, much smaller.”

Of course back door Boris is a dead cat, as with everything Boris does. While we’re all laughing at how the Scots roared and he ran, the pound continues to plummet and the Brexit backers, with their hoarded foreign currency (presumably), continue to snap up UK assets at an artificially knocked down price.

“It’s still important though, no matter how successful the distraction,” the aide mused, “now that he’s the holder of executive power perception is vital. So if he’s perceived to be a yappy, spoiled little pedigree, overbred and undertrained, it isn’t great longer term. But we’re here for a good time, not a long time, so get purchasing those assets!”

We here at LCD Views have long mused that Boris is essentially a bully. We’re not going to win any prizes for that insight. But what do bullies do? They make a lot of noise, they cast a long shadow, but when confronted with actual risk, they run.

Back door Boris. Keep barking back and watch him go into hiding as fast as his little legs will carry him. No wonder he’s not going to meet the EU heads of state anytime soon. He maybe our prime minister, but he’s no British bulldog bruv.

A man intent on leaving the European Union, come what May, is adamant that the Union between England and Scotland must be maintained. Union means Union. Except when it doesn’t. Obviously there’s good and bad on both sides.

The man who, unbelievably, is Prime Minister, is having an argument with Nicola Sturgeon. How dare you threaten our precious Union, the debate begins.

“Och aye Jimmy, we are sick of ye Sassenachs telling us what to doo,” replied Sturgeon. “We want oot, and we want oot the noo! Bung us £10bn and we’ll gie it another goo.”

“No, no, no, no, there’s no magic money tree,” Johnson replied. “It comes to this: we are stronger together. Splitting up is such a fibble fabble. Besides, I spent all the dosh on a propaganda campaign telling the world how simply spaffingly spiffing I am!”

“Why are ye so intent on leaving the EU then?” asked Sturgeon. “I see a wee contradiction there. Ye are kicking us in the Trossachs!”

“The UK is a Good Union,” explained Johnson. “But the EU is a Bad Union. 4 nations good, 28 nations bad!”

“Ooo, boke boke!” mimed Sturgeon, pretending to stick two fingers down her throat. “Pass the sick bucket. Enough with the Orwellian bullshit. Man, ye make me want to greet!”

“My dear old thing!” replied Johnson in mock alarm. “Orwell? This is the land of Shakespeare, of comedy and tragedy, sometimes simultaneously. To Brexit, or not to Brexit, that is the question. Now is the summer of your discontent. Come to Holyrood, today, in yellow stockings, cross-gartered, and I will deliver complete satisfaction!”

The position is quite clear. England wants Scotland to Remain, so it can Leave. Scotland wants to Leave, so it can Remain. “Hoo can ye squaur thes circle?” demanded Sturgeon.

“Don’t worry, my pussycat, I’ve got my best man on the case,” burbled Johnson. “Dominic Raab will sort all of you Johnnie foreigners ‘oot’, as soon as he finds ‘oot’ where wee bonnie Scotland is!”

Meanwhile, Sturgeon is busy making no deal plans. In a final statement, she declared: “I’m going to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, and make England pay for it!”

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT : Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Voluntary Starvation, has spoken today to reassure the huddled, but patriotic, masses over reports of an ass brawl on the P&O cruise ship ‘Britannia’.

“This was a test run for day one of a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Gove told reporters gathered outside his home, “it went like clockwork. There is nothing to worry about. No one got eaten.”

The running of the trial aboard the Britannia was intended to present the United Kingdom in microcosm, brawling with itself, adrift off the coast of Europe.

“Reports that the appearance of a clown during a drunken, patriotic party is what triggered the riots are exaggerated,” Mr Gove further explained, “everyone involved was a clown. No, it was a debate over what shape a traditional British banana is that lit the fuse. This is similar to the lively discussions we can expect Global Britons to engage in once they’re standing in ration queues in November. It all went as expected.”

The confinement of the worst offenders to their quarters was also part of the trial.

“We needed to see how easy it is to confine people who do not believe in the curved shape of British tropical fruit,” Mr Gove said, “lest they dampen the morale of the other captives, I mean cheerful, willing patriots trapped on board Britannia with no avenue of escape.”

Further sea trials will be conducted in coming weeks.

“Next we will do walk the plank,” Mr Gove added, “and actors who best resemble serving cabinet ministers will take part. This is to prove prime minister Johnson’s administration will be able to rapidly deal with anyone who gets cold feet in the run up to Halloween 2019.”

No Deal Brexit. Do not fear it. It’s been the plan from the beginning.

HE DOESN’T LIKE IT UP HIM : ERG sack of something, Mark Francois (Tory MP for Uninformed-wyth-Belligerence) says he will refuse the Légion d’honneur when it is offered to him, for personally defeating the Nazis in WW2, because he doesn’t take awards from Germans.

Speaking to Peston, Newsnight and late night current affairs programme, Bummed Eye, little Mark was adamant that any awards “foreign powers try and bribe me with to make me into a TRAITOR who seeks to thwart the SWILL OF THE PEOPLE will be shoved back in their faces”.

RIGHT ON.

The diminutive little soldier of English toxic nationalism has of late been one of the primed spokestwats for the ERG/Tories after the media successfully elevated previous, more legible, versions to positions of power and influence.

Now they’ve taken on a serious challenge attempting to elevate the tiny power pack of idiocy.

“I want English medals because I’m English with an English surname,” Mark continued, “you have to call me Mark French from now on. Because French is how the English say Francois and I’m ENGLISH.”

Quite how Mark French came to think that the French government was going to award him with their highest honour is not yet clear.

“Herr Junker wants to influence me and make me into a traitor,” Mark spat and fizzed, “but I won’t take any awards from Germans. I didn’t imagine myself bayoneting Fritz all through my childhood reading Commando comics to turn into a traitor now, right when we’re about to declare war on them again!”

He will however be perfectly happy to accept a new award being devised by Boris Johnson’s government, The Order of the Gammon, and “where the salty slab of ham with pride.”

Global Britain, making friends is so yesterday.

PAPER OVER THE CRACKS : The much mentioned (on the UK side) special relationship between the USA and the UK is expected to deepen with the change in administration at 10 Downing Street.

“Mr Johnson is even going to create a new ministry specifically to manage the relationship between himself and Mr Trump,” an aide to the Johnson camp told LCD Views, “The Ministry for Giving Offence will be massive. Bright. Red. Visible from space massive.”

The thinking behind the creation of the new ministry is thought to be an attempt to find a way to better coordinate the use of racist dog whistling in politics between the Trump administration and the Johnson one.

“We don’t want it to appear too coordinated,” the aide explained, “if Trump is having an Islamophobic outburst, then Boris will need to be attacking the French, and vice versa. We have to be sure to get good coverage of all targets to make a success of the project.”

But in many ways the relationship will continue to function as it did under Ms May, only this time the British prime minister won’t be expected to give a pretence to difference, but rather the opposite.

“Boris will be sat squarely behind Trump’s inflamed rear eagerly cupping whatever it produces, before smearing it across the UK and Europe. It’s going to be great, so, so great. Not many people know this, but the UK is going to have an even deeper special relationship with the USA now. Just the biggest special relationship. So special it will need its own measures.”

BYE BYE BORISTANNIA : Scotland has this afternoon begun construction on a fifteen mile border wall from Berwick to Gretna Green, and the EU has agreed to pay for it.

Plans for the border wall were drawn up some weeks back.

”As soon as the Conservative Party in England announced its intention to hold a sham leadership election, just to give a barely plausible credibility to Boris Johnson entering Downing Street, we got out the drawing board,” Professor Bobby Bruise told LCD Views, “it was a pretty straightforward issue. If England is determined to sink under the weight of a Trump tribute act, that’s their choice. It’s not our choice now. Now it’s a declaration of universal independence. And a bloody great wall to prove it.”

Funding for the project has been provided by the EU’s regional development fund. This has been described by Michel Barnier as “well worth it” and “the German carmakers actually demanded it”.

It’s not entirely certain how the new Johnson administration will react to the construction of the wall. Mark Francois, widely tipped to take over as Secretary of Defence, will presumably decide to build a giant rabbit in the hope of getting through it.

”We’ve thought of that,” Professor Bruise said, “we’ve arranged to have giant speakers erected across the street from 10 Downing Street. Benny Hill music is going to be played 24/7 at eleven. Mr Boris will be too busy running around half naked. He has a Pavlov’s dog style reaction to the music.”

Completion of the wall is expected by the end of October 31st this year, just in time for English refugees from Boristannia to queue up on the English side and request access.

WE’RE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES : Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt has been on the blower to Brussels overnight to underscore the demand from German carmakers that the EU send a naval task force to the Strait of Hormuz to protect British ships.

“EU army bad, EU navy good,” a spokesman for Mr Hunt told LCD Views, “we’re very adaptable to circumstances. On the good days when we are high after drinking our own piss and believe we can conquer the world, again, the EU can go whistle. On the bad days? When we’re low and feeling really small, well it’s only right that they step up to the plate and help an old friend out. After all, they need us more than we need them.”

And the credible threat of lower prosecco imports into the UK is not the only reason the EU has responded rapidly to the latest British request.

“They’re simply a lot more mature than us. Consider that the Foreign Secretary asking them to help recently compared them to the Soviet tyranny?” the spokesman shrugged, “but we’re having more fun at Global Britain plc. We’re here for a good time, not a long time! Yay Brexit! It’s made us shameless.”

But while British registered shipping may breathe a little easier, once the multi-national union of naval assets appears to escort them through the Strait of Hormuz, the UK had better hope that the next time Donald Trump tricks us into doing something stupid the EU is still there to pick up the pieces.

“We have a special relationship with the EU,” the spokesman added, “we’re like an immature, ex-boyfriend who’s walked out to shag about, but always ends up on the phone at 5am, drunk, lost in the centre of town, no wallet and needing a lift home. It’s just a good thing the EU knows they needs us more than we need them.”

Whether or not the EU is actually feeling schadenfreude over the ships we don’t know, as they’re too mature to tell us publicly. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

LEAPING BEFORE BEING PUSHED : The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have resigned from government today, saying they won’t serve under Boris Johnson should he become PM, as widely expected.

The collective issued a joint statement, to no one’s surprise, asserting that they were already exhausted by three years of the May premiership, backed onto the years 2010 – 2016, and they simply couldn’t fathom serving under the bungling clown act that is to follow.

“Look, just look at the work I’ve done in the food bank sector already,” Famine stated, “it’s booming. I’ve worked my fingers to the bone. I think a change at the top is a good time to move on to greener pastures.”

And Famine wasn’t alone. Death said the DWP had exhausted it and it was going to take a sabbatical and pursue its hobby of people dying in showering accidents, although it is widely expected to be lobbied hard to return should Mr Johnson pursue a No Deal Brexit.

Plague was similarly unenthusiastic about the change in regime, saying “I’m already on everyone’s houses. What more can I do? Double down? Plague means plague and I’ve made a success of it.”

As to War, he is expected to stick about and continue to work for free as a Minister of Every Portfolio, once Mr Johnson needs a big enough distraction to avert attention away from the build up to revoking Article 50.

An aide to Mr Johnson was non-plussed, pointing to widely trailed media rumours that IDS, Rees-mogg, Raab and Patel were going to return to government, so the famous four horsemen would not be missed and continuity of their work assured.