Category: Global Britain

RAAB GOES MAPMAKING : Canadians have expressed their relief today that they got a visit from FCO Dominic Raab and not the FCO who comes after Raab.

The relief is based on the prevailing UK trend of each prime minister being worse than the last, and of course all the accompanying ministers follow the same trend.

”Especially since the unanimous decision by the British people to vote overwhelmingly to commit economic and diplomatic suicide,” a spokesman for the Canadian foreign office told LCD Views.

”When we heard the pulsing vein of British diplomacy was coming to our neck of the woods on a cartographical adventure we were seriously nervous. We’ve almost exhausted our famous levels of politeness dealing with the Cheeto headed white supremacist to the south. Now we have to play host to the man who recently discovered Dover? It was a bit much. What would he discover about Canada?”

But after running the visit and its possibilities through a computer simulation usually reserved with forecasting the futures of the lumber industry (it was felt most appropriate to Raab, two short planks and all that), the Canadians discovered they’d scored a lucky break.

”Yes we were going to have to explain, slowly, patiently, repetitively, that 28 is a bigger number than 1, and post Brexit UK wasn’t getting CETA. At least we weren’t going to have to do over WW2 and Mark ‘D Day’ Francois’!”

That’s a win by anybody’s standards. No-one wants to have to deal with a packet of the very thickest mince with a chip on both shoulders, an inferiority complex as big as Boris Johnson’s ego, and a penchant for handing out white feathers.

One further man was delighted. “I’ve found out where Canadia is!” said Dominic Raab happily. “It’s next to the United St… Hang on, unions are bad, aren’t they? Err… Yes, that’s it! It’s next to Friendly Land, where Mr Donald lives with melons in a white pentagon! And they gave me some nice new crayons!”

On hearing the news, Mark Francois was hospitalised with small man syndrome. Meanwhile Raab is getting on with colouring in My First Atlas. He has got the colours inside the lines. Mostly.

New Trade Secretary and all-round foxy lady, Liz Truss, has revealed her first big success. Foxy’s successor says there is a small initial hit to take, before massive benefits flow into the UK.

“I have to send my Nigerian contact all the secret codes for the Bank of England,” Truss explains. “And an initial payment of £2.1bn. Then trade will flow, and the UK will be rich again! I asked Sajid Javid, and he says it’s ok!”

LCD Views’ WTF?! correspondent asked Truss if she was sure the deal was genuine.

“Ooo yes, of course!” wittered Truss. “I got the email on my very first day in the job! I asked Liam Fox to have a look at it, because he’s a doctor so he’s quite clever. He wasn’t sure, but I think he’s just upset after I got his old job!”

What convinced you that it really was from a Nigerian prince?

“It had one of those untraceable email addresses,” she exclaimed. “Just like our royal family! And there were some cute spelling mistakes too.  He’s Nigerian, after all, his English probably isn’t that good. Bless!”

Truss was also bursting to tell us another piece of great news.

“I’m absolutely bursting!” she gushed. “Like when you need a wee, but in a good way! I’ve struck a deal with Nambia to supply all our covfefe! Brilliant, yeah? This will commence as soon as we find out what the hell covfefe is and what it’s good for!”

And what about your idea to create ten free ports, with all the risks of tax avoidance and money laundering?

“Oh, that’s just a front,” she said. “We are planning to build a wall around the money, and make The People pay for it!”

Truss is already an extremely busy woman. So busy, in fact, that she has taken on a special advisor: none other than that walking success story, Chris Grayling.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/49198825?intlink_from_url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/politics&link_location=live-reporting-story

HOUSEKEEPING MONEY : Downing Street has refused to comment today on a leek from the Treasury which says it has ordered the Royal Mint to begin printing £1,000,000 notes.

“It’s just sensible forward planning,” a Treasury insider said, on the basis of confidentiality, “hyperinflation will make everyone richer, once No Deal Brexit has been successfully achieved. Imagine walking over to the off licence with a million pound note in your pocket? And coming back with change? By this time next year, we’ll all be millionaires I tells ya!”

The leek itself looked like the standard variety, green and white and stout. Although its presence in the office of a major international online and print powerhouse out of season signifies its importance. We should take what it had to say seriously.

As part of the preparation for the release of the new bank notes a competition will be held to choose who should be on it.

“This time it won’t be a famous British, historical figure of note for the quality in excess of their input to the country,” the leek advises, “it will be a rogue’s gallery of figures still alive to choose from. This will honour some of the people who are currently striving to make Britain great again.”

Boris Johnson. Nigel Farage. Steve Bannon. That little guy named after a Bank. All will be in the running to get their face on the first £1,000,000 bank note ever produced in the United Kingdom.

“I would personally give the honour to David Cameron,” the Treasury insider said, “as his contribution to the current state of affairs should never be forgotten.”

YAPPY AND IRRITATING : Great news today of the revolution continuing across England, and its regions like Scotland, with the confirmation that the British bulldog has been up cycled into an English Chihuahua.

“It was Boris leaving Bute House by the back door that finished the job,” a Downing Street spokesman said, “something of which we’re all immensely proud. He arrived all barrel chested and big teeth, but left with his tail between his legs after the Scots revealed his actual spirit animal is not a bulldog, but something much, much smaller.”

Of course back door Boris is a dead cat, as with everything Boris does. While we’re all laughing at how the Scots roared and he ran, the pound continues to plummet and the Brexit backers, with their hoarded foreign currency (presumably), continue to snap up UK assets at an artificially knocked down price.

“It’s still important though, no matter how successful the distraction,” the aide mused, “now that he’s the holder of executive power perception is vital. So if he’s perceived to be a yappy, spoiled little pedigree, overbred and undertrained, it isn’t great longer term. But we’re here for a good time, not a long time, so get purchasing those assets!”

We here at LCD Views have long mused that Boris is essentially a bully. We’re not going to win any prizes for that insight. But what do bullies do? They make a lot of noise, they cast a long shadow, but when confronted with actual risk, they run.

Back door Boris. Keep barking back and watch him go into hiding as fast as his little legs will carry him. No wonder he’s not going to meet the EU heads of state anytime soon. He maybe our prime minister, but he’s no British bulldog bruv.

A man intent on leaving the European Union, come what May, is adamant that the Union between England and Scotland must be maintained. Union means Union. Except when it doesn’t. Obviously there’s good and bad on both sides.

The man who, unbelievably, is Prime Minister, is having an argument with Nicola Sturgeon. How dare you threaten our precious Union, the debate begins.

“Och aye Jimmy, we are sick of ye Sassenachs telling us what to doo,” replied Sturgeon. “We want oot, and we want oot the noo! Bung us £10bn and we’ll gie it another goo.”

“No, no, no, no, there’s no magic money tree,” Johnson replied. “It comes to this: we are stronger together. Splitting up is such a fibble fabble. Besides, I spent all the dosh on a propaganda campaign telling the world how simply spaffingly spiffing I am!”

“Why are ye so intent on leaving the EU then?” asked Sturgeon. “I see a wee contradiction there. Ye are kicking us in the Trossachs!”

“The UK is a Good Union,” explained Johnson. “But the EU is a Bad Union. 4 nations good, 28 nations bad!”

“Ooo, boke boke!” mimed Sturgeon, pretending to stick two fingers down her throat. “Pass the sick bucket. Enough with the Orwellian bullshit. Man, ye make me want to greet!”

“My dear old thing!” replied Johnson in mock alarm. “Orwell? This is the land of Shakespeare, of comedy and tragedy, sometimes simultaneously. To Brexit, or not to Brexit, that is the question. Now is the summer of your discontent. Come to Holyrood, today, in yellow stockings, cross-gartered, and I will deliver complete satisfaction!”

The position is quite clear. England wants Scotland to Remain, so it can Leave. Scotland wants to Leave, so it can Remain. “Hoo can ye squaur thes circle?” demanded Sturgeon.

“Don’t worry, my pussycat, I’ve got my best man on the case,” burbled Johnson. “Dominic Raab will sort all of you Johnnie foreigners ‘oot’, as soon as he finds ‘oot’ where wee bonnie Scotland is!”

Meanwhile, Sturgeon is busy making no deal plans. In a final statement, she declared: “I’m going to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, and make England pay for it!”

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT : Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Voluntary Starvation, has spoken today to reassure the huddled, but patriotic, masses over reports of an ass brawl on the P&O cruise ship ‘Britannia’.

“This was a test run for day one of a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Gove told reporters gathered outside his home, “it went like clockwork. There is nothing to worry about. No one got eaten.”

The running of the trial aboard the Britannia was intended to present the United Kingdom in microcosm, brawling with itself, adrift off the coast of Europe.

“Reports that the appearance of a clown during a drunken, patriotic party is what triggered the riots are exaggerated,” Mr Gove further explained, “everyone involved was a clown. No, it was a debate over what shape a traditional British banana is that lit the fuse. This is similar to the lively discussions we can expect Global Britons to engage in once they’re standing in ration queues in November. It all went as expected.”

The confinement of the worst offenders to their quarters was also part of the trial.

“We needed to see how easy it is to confine people who do not believe in the curved shape of British tropical fruit,” Mr Gove said, “lest they dampen the morale of the other captives, I mean cheerful, willing patriots trapped on board Britannia with no avenue of escape.”

Further sea trials will be conducted in coming weeks.

“Next we will do walk the plank,” Mr Gove added, “and actors who best resemble serving cabinet ministers will take part. This is to prove prime minister Johnson’s administration will be able to rapidly deal with anyone who gets cold feet in the run up to Halloween 2019.”

No Deal Brexit. Do not fear it. It’s been the plan from the beginning.

HE DOESN’T LIKE IT UP HIM : ERG sack of something, Mark Francois (Tory MP for Uninformed-wyth-Belligerence) says he will refuse the Légion d’honneur when it is offered to him, for personally defeating the Nazis in WW2, because he doesn’t take awards from Germans.

Speaking to Peston, Newsnight and late night current affairs programme, Bummed Eye, little Mark was adamant that any awards “foreign powers try and bribe me with to make me into a TRAITOR who seeks to thwart the SWILL OF THE PEOPLE will be shoved back in their faces”.

RIGHT ON.

The diminutive little soldier of English toxic nationalism has of late been one of the primed spokestwats for the ERG/Tories after the media successfully elevated previous, more legible, versions to positions of power and influence.

Now they’ve taken on a serious challenge attempting to elevate the tiny power pack of idiocy.

“I want English medals because I’m English with an English surname,” Mark continued, “you have to call me Mark French from now on. Because French is how the English say Francois and I’m ENGLISH.”

Quite how Mark French came to think that the French government was going to award him with their highest honour is not yet clear.

“Herr Junker wants to influence me and make me into a traitor,” Mark spat and fizzed, “but I won’t take any awards from Germans. I didn’t imagine myself bayoneting Fritz all through my childhood reading Commando comics to turn into a traitor now, right when we’re about to declare war on them again!”

He will however be perfectly happy to accept a new award being devised by Boris Johnson’s government, The Order of the Gammon, and “where the salty slab of ham with pride.”

Global Britain, making friends is so yesterday.

PAPER OVER THE CRACKS : The much mentioned (on the UK side) special relationship between the USA and the UK is expected to deepen with the change in administration at 10 Downing Street.

“Mr Johnson is even going to create a new ministry specifically to manage the relationship between himself and Mr Trump,” an aide to the Johnson camp told LCD Views, “The Ministry for Giving Offence will be massive. Bright. Red. Visible from space massive.”

The thinking behind the creation of the new ministry is thought to be an attempt to find a way to better coordinate the use of racist dog whistling in politics between the Trump administration and the Johnson one.

“We don’t want it to appear too coordinated,” the aide explained, “if Trump is having an Islamophobic outburst, then Boris will need to be attacking the French, and vice versa. We have to be sure to get good coverage of all targets to make a success of the project.”

But in many ways the relationship will continue to function as it did under Ms May, only this time the British prime minister won’t be expected to give a pretence to difference, but rather the opposite.

“Boris will be sat squarely behind Trump’s inflamed rear eagerly cupping whatever it produces, before smearing it across the UK and Europe. It’s going to be great, so, so great. Not many people know this, but the UK is going to have an even deeper special relationship with the USA now. Just the biggest special relationship. So special it will need its own measures.”