Category: Global Britain

SIT ON THIS UNTIL IT BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACES : Downing Street have succumbed to pressure over its handling of the intelligence services report into Russian interference in the UK’s democratic processes.

“We will release the report,” a Downing Street source said today, “as we have nothing to hide. Nothing at all. There’s nothing in the report which makes queasy reading for Conservative GE candidates. It doesn’t even mention donations of Russian cash into the pockets of Conservative Party MPs. At least I think it doesn’t. I can’t be sure though. As I haven’t read it. I haven’t read it because there is nothing important in it. I’m sure of it. Comrade. May I call you comrade?”

But in spite of the fulsome reassurance that there is nothing to hide some skeptics keep insisting, BIZARRELY, that Downing Street won’t release the report because it has something to hide.

“You are well aware of the character of outgoing Prime Minister Boris Alexander de Rouble Johnsonov? How could there possibly be anything in the report of interest? It’s not like the Russians would ever catch him in a honey trap!”

Still, even though it is perfectly normal and natural for a government to attempt to prevent publication of a report that exonerates them, and any political agenda they’ve lashed themselves to the mast of (Brexit), people are still pushing for publication.

“It’s incredibly unpatriotic,” the source continues, “insisting a report in foreign interference in UK elections and referendums in released right at the start of a general election campaign? Unnecessary distraction that serves no one’s interests but the voters. How is governance supposed to continue as it has been? How are people expected to continue to take millions from figures linked to the Kremlin? Who is going to fund the election? All good questions. Now is not the time.”

But what about concerns someone may just leak the report?

“Oh, we will do that ourselves,” the source smirked, “it’ll be left on a train leaving Saint Pancras station at 14:00 next Monday. Just as soon as the Kremlin has finished making the redactions.”

U SUK A : LCD VIEWS HAS CONDUCTED an imaginary interview with international trade negotiation tzar Liz Truss and can now reassure everyone that there is everything to gain, and nothing to lose, if you can just swallow the post Brexit FTA with the USA.

Liz Truss : Please, take a seat. But make sure you bring it back when you’re finished with it.

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss plays canned laughter. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Ms Truss, thank you for taking the time to see me today.

Liz Truss : That’s time I’ll take, but I won’t be giving back, even when I’m finished with it.

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss plays canned laughter. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Ms Truss, some people are expressing concern that a post-Brexit FTA with the USA would lead to the lowering of UK food standards. What do you have to say?

Liz Truss : People aren’t eating enough pork. It’s disgraceful!

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss goes to play canned laughter, but realises she hasn’t said anything funny. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Secretary of State, your position on pork is well known. But what do you have to say to concerned Britons about the threat from US food safety standards?

Liz Truss : Food regulations eat into profits! That’s why they need to be gobbled up. It’s almost Christmas. I’ll be a turnkey. You be a turkey! Don’t tell me you’re chicken?

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss attempts to play canned laughter. The recording malfunctions. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : In the US they have minimum regulations for the amount of maggots that can be included in fruit juice. Rat hairs in chocolate. Mammalian excretions in other foods. Aren’t we better off keeping to more stringent EU standards?

Liz Truss (thoughtfully crosses her legs, leans forward) : We have to wrap this up shortly. I am expecting a phone call from Nanoobia.

Rosie Searchlight : Thirty insect fragments in a jar of peanut butter?

Liz Truss : Rosie, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that people struggling to feed their families often worry about getting enough protein in their diets? And I am not talking about eating professional teenage athletes! Not those pro teens!

(Pause in the office of Truss for baffled stares. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Are you suggesting that inclusion of maggots in fruit juice will bring more protein to poorer Britons’ diets?

Liz Truss : Now you get it! Global Britain’s belly will be full. Just make sure you don’t stare too closely when you open the packet. We have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Rosie Searchlight : Gain weight you mean and lose no pounds? To worm, or not to worm? That is the question?

Liz Truss : Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer. The wings and torsos of outrageous regulations, Or to take up arms (and legs) against a smoothie of follicles, and by lowering standards ingest them?

Rosie Searchlight : That is the question.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE : Concerns about foreign interference into UK elections, and perhaps even referendums, are set to be pushed into the long grass after 10 Downing Street announced it was ready to release the intelligence report.

“It was all a question of getting the format right,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “oh, and the font. If the font isn’t right people will have trouble with comprehension. Times New Roman? Clarendon? Well, the choices are endless. Some of them are very distracting. Imagine the trouble if we used Storybook? We’d never hear the end of it!”

But it’s not just the font that Downing Street are concerning themselves with, but also the format of the release.

“A big, fat, daunting report? Like one of those boring reports you get after a judge led public inquiry? People will nod off before they’ve finished the intro! So we’re going to shred the report first. This will give everyone an enriching experience when they read the report. You can even involve your kids in piecing the individual strands together. That will keep them busy for weeks! More so once we mix in a shredded copy of ‘War and Peace’.”

Of course critics of the delay to releasing the report, some in government have suggested until after the coming general election, have been dismissed as “handwringing, girly swots”.

“Some people need to get out more,” the source shrugged, “they wrap themselves into knots over distractions like who played tennis with who, for a massive cash donation. Who had dinner with who, for a massive cash donation. Who is laundering money via high end London property purchases? Such events are normal fundraising, especially when you’re taking money from the Russians.”

Whether or not US interference in UK democracy will be mentioned isn’t yet clear.

“I think you’ll get a clear and transparent answer to that from any of the ‘think tanks’ who regularly have representatives all over BBC news programmes,” the source said, “once they finish telling you that the failing NHS is the worst model for healthcare in the world, they’ll be prepared to offer you a good price on your home, if you’re over 55, to pay for your health care.

“But that’s nothing to do with Brexit and the realisation by US corporate interests that the greatest asset concentration in private hands in the UK is in home ownership of the over 55’s.”

I thought the report was concerned with the Russians?

“Well, it all can seem rather wrapped up together, Brexit, Putin, Americans billionaires. Funny old world. And to think we used to be against each other in the Cold War? And now we work together. The report should really be read as a testament to global cooperation.”

If we ever get to read it.

THE BIG TENT : A cross party motion, put forward under a little known parliamentary instrument (that allows the sponsor anonymity), has been tabled for Monday that seeks to maintain the steady downward trajectory of British polity.

“The Bill has been called the Batshit-Crazy-SNAFU Bill and will be un-amendable,” our Westminster circus correspondent says, “it is expected to get broad cross party support.”

Under the terms of the legislation, if passed, the UK parliament will be unable to do anything sensible.

“It really is just ensuring the steady hand on the tiller since the country avoided chaos with Ed Milliband four years ago in 2015,” our boffin boffines, “Christ. Was it only four years ago? It seems like a century. I’m going to go and have a little lie down. Finish without me.”

Any legislation that in any way, however vague, attempts to restore sanity or break the Brexit impasse, will be instantly passed, then automatically repealed by action of statute. Then it will he set on fire in a bin while Liz Truss dances a Maypole and flings pig trotters in.

But the reach of the bill won’t stop with House of Commons fiddling over Brexit.

As Brexit is the beginning, middle and end of the problem plaguing British political and civil life, Brexit itself will be given protected status under the legislation. It will become the defining characteristic of this an increasingly broke, damp, isolated collection of islands until the Sun expands and turns our atmosphere into a replica of Venus.

But while the sponsor of the Bill is anonymous, Westminster watchers are pretty sure it’s none other than the Prime Minister.

A never ending state of Brexit impasse will allow for a never ending Boris Johnson government. At least that appears to be the rationale behind the Batshit-Crazy-SNAFU Bill.

Always stuck in one place. Never reaching anything sensible, like a conclusion, always watching Mr Johnson spaff up his hair and electioneer on Facepamphlet.

To do anything else, like have a referendum, would be far too sensible.

We all lost. Get over it.

TAKING EU FOR GRANTED : Sources inside the EU27 have confirmed today they will offer high functioning team player, the UK, another extension to the Article 50 process because they don’t know what they’ll do without us.

“Seriously, we’d have all this empty diary space to fill,” an aide, said to work closely with Angela Merkel, told LCD Views, “we’ve so little to be getting on with on the continent.

“If we didn’t have to dedicate day after day to the English nationalist psychodrama of Brexit what would we do with ourselves?

“The migrant crisis has pretty much solved itself, thanks to Trump taking care of the Middle East. Climate change is just a hoax. Russian meddling in EU elections has been ended with new elections in Austria. And so on. Really, it’s just Brexit. Without that, we’re pointless.

“Likewise the individual EU27 heads of state. So many evenings before the Brexit warm up period began, they’d just be at home in the evenings, twiddling their thumbs, flicking through TV channels to find repeats of Fawlty Towers. But now, they get to live it.

“I can’t tell you how excited they are to get the call now and then, just as they’re putting their slippers on and sighing, quick! Quick Emmanuel! There’s another emergency summit about the British.”

Clearly the failure to either end Brexit, or do it, is a great boon to home and office relocation services too. They’ll remain busy for years, just so long as Article 50 keeps getting extended and Brexit is never ended.

And the sentiments were echoed inside Downing Street.

A Downing Street ‘Source’ said, off the record, but somehow anonymously on it, that “Brexit warm up, endless pre-Brexit, is all Boris Johnson has. If it actually happens he’s completely stuffed. There’s no way him or any of the other pig ignorant cockwomblers currently in government could handle it. Similarly, if Article 50 is revoked and Brexit goes away, they’d actually have to try and run a government. What a nightmare scenario. They are not qualified for that. But playing off the prejudices of Daily Mail readers forever? They’re in their element.

“This latest extension suits us just fine. And the one that will come after it.”

Which is probably the only true thing the Downing Street ‘source’ has ever said.

UK GONNA NEED A NEW FLAG : Former British colonies, now independent countries, around the world are waiting for the result of events in the House of Commons tomorrow with bated breath.

“Australia, New Zealand and a bunch of other places no run of the mill Brexiter has even heard about maybe set to decide on what their flag looks like in the future,” our Unseen Ramifications correspondent says, “if the English MPs in Westminster vote to take the Union Jack and shred it. Does Australia keep the Jack in the top left corner? Does New Zealand? Only by doing Brexit can Brexit MPs find out.”

But it’s not just the flags of land masses that didn’t exist, before an Englishman unzipped his drawers against a weird tree, that are waiting to see how things play out.

“Clearly it’s a big vote for SNP star Nicola Sturgeon,” our correspondent continues, putting on their PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE CORRESPONDENT hat, “will she become the first President of the Republic of Scotland? Will Boris Johnson be that gift horse? You know she won’t look twice in his mouth. She probably won’t even look once if the arrogance of English exceptionalism says, on your way Scotland, wahey!”

She’s played a canny game alright. Politically placing the interests of the entire union first and foremost till now, in a display of maturity few have matched. But it’s a win win of course in that sense. No Brexit and Scotland’s economy and place in the EU is safeguarded. Brexit happens and Scotland as an independent country rapidly joining the EU seems guaranteed.

“At least we can feel fairly certain what the Scottish flag will look like if Brexit happens. So too the Welsh, and eventually the Cornish.”

Will the English run a competition to choose theirs or just go with the Saint George cross and argue about it with Georgia?

The decisions of MPs tomorrow in Westminster will give us all a clue as to what flies where in the years ahead.

If they vote for Boris Johnson’s “Deal”, with is actually just a Withdrawal Agreement worse than May’s, and a method of wealth transfer from working class to inherited wealth, we may soon find out what flag New Zealand chooses once the Union Jack is just a relic from an age when the sun didn’t know how to set.

IT’S NOT JUST ANY CUMMINGS IT’S SHORT CUMMINGS : The kingdoms of Cornwall and Londinium are said to be up in arms today after details of Boris Johnson’s desperate last ditch effort to get a Brexit deal began to leak.

“The only tiny road into Cornwall that Westminster has ever seen fit to build was clogged with protesting Cornish today as the people began a march on Westminster,” our SW Correspondent reports, “those black flags with the white crosses that baffle the people of Surrey visiting their second homes to check if the last AirBnb client left it in good order were seen waving in union as the advance got underway.”

The motivation for the march to the capital appears to be the fact that Mr Johnson has not offered Cornwall on a slab to the EU, while seeing fit to offer up three of the other four nations that used to comprise the United Kingdom.

But it’s not just the Cornish that are upset not to have been included in a hastily redesigned Irish backstop. London is also said to be turning out on the street in a number that even Priti Patel May struggle to contain.

“So too Bristol, Sunderland and Birmingham, York and Salisbury,” our roaming reporter adds, “it seems more than an overwhelming majority of the deteriorating UK are not best pleased to find they will be left behind ruled by the Eton Mess should Mr Johnson agree a deal. And should Parliament be daft enough to pass it.”

There are suggestions that the disparate regions should just declare independence and then offer to form a federation with the top infrequently mentioned people of Gibraltar and the Falklands.

“It’s touch and go if the additional land masses will be enough to get the so far stubborn EU to back down and accept even more UK treasure than already. The automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, fintech and fishing sectors have already been forced over by a determined British negotiating team, following the lead set by Brexit Allstar David Davis.

“Although the health and social care sectors have been reserved to flog off to the US post Brexit.”

Whether or not the EU will be weak enough to take everything the Tories force upon them to achieve the aim of making what’s left of the UK isolated, second class European citizens remains to be seen.

“It’s an amazing project Brexit,” our reporter adds, “years of toil, billions in treasure, civil harmony and international reputation all determinedly sacrificed just to be weaker, and with less rights, but to keep some biffers and old Etonians happy.”

It’s a wonder no one has ever tried it before now.

PATRIOTIC PROJECT MANAGEMENT : The UK’s favourite businessman, and all round potatriot, James Dyson has successfully cancelled his much lauded electric car project, after investing billions.

https://news.sky.com/story/james-dyson-cancels-electric-car-project-11832275

“No one should draw any correlation to Brexit,” an imagined James Dyson said, “just because I’ve moved pretty much my whole show to Singapore is not a sign of my lack of faith in the economic viability of Project Brexit either. The UK should continue to pour billions into that, clearly, the food bank sector for one will greatly benefit. Should millions of hungry mouths eventually lead to a more tax friendly corporate environment I’ll be more than happy to become more patriotic again. You will ultimately all see a benefit of this political stitch up. Especially if you like marching about in uniforms. I don’t have a grudge against the EU for purely personal reasons.”

Helpful reassurance.

Especially helpful is the assertion that no correlation should be drawn between Dyson cancelling a project, years in, that has proven to be economically illiterate, and Brexit. Which has also proven to be not only economically illiterate, but culturally, politically, diplomatically and politically.

Dyson went on to add,

“Brexit is not a political failure, or a failure of the Brexit and Lexit teams. If you’ve been paying attention you would have realised they are closely interconnected. Just have a look at the voting in the failed 2011 attempt to get an IN/OUT referendum and then tell me you’re not being played.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2011/oct/25/mp-voted-for-eu-referendum

“This news of my cancelled car project will be wilfully ignored by anyone pushing Brexit. So too any other evidence that they’re idiots who are doing wilful damage to the UK for ideological aims.

“We are working to quickly find alternative roles within Europe for as many once viable British industries as possible. We have sufficient bank accounts to absorb any of the loss of personal freedoms and opportunities Brexit will entail for poor people.

“For those who cannot, or do not wish to, live in a wonderland of creeping fascism, we will laugh at them when the toilet paper shortages hit.”

NOTHING TO SEE HERE : A Downing Street source has been spreading its ‘briefs’ like a cruise ship case of the runs across MSM today after Boris Johnson successfully bamboozled EU Empress Angela ‘Mutti’ Merkel earlier today in a phone call.

Speaking both on and off the record, beside it, over and under it, the source ‘leaked’ by not leaking, but actually texting directly, Downing Street’s narrative on where the UK is v EU with Brexit.

“We hold all the cards,” the source reassured, “they don’t know what’s hit them. Although the German carmakers, currently in panic lockdown know the score. So too the Czech Prosecco makers and the French cheddar specialists. Wait until we invade Finland and hold the snowmen hostage just prior to Christmas. They will bend the knee. Oh. Oh. Oh.”

And there was more.

“The EU completely fails to appreciate the relative power difference in these so called negotiations,” it continued, “which are really just discussing the terms of its surrender to the UK. Well, little England to be specific. A thousand year reign of the Express digesting shires is just in reach. One more push poor folk, while the psychotic, narcissistic inheritance millionaire of the right and the left (check out the personal wealth of high profile Lexiters…) hide safe, far behind the lines. Your sacrifice is welcome.”

And there was more.

“Tomorrow we take our shirts off and start fronting the EU from the White Cliffs of Dover. Just one look at my magma powered man nipples and the French fishing fleets will be motoring for a safe harbour. We are Global Britain. Our reign is just beginning!”

And if the EU don’t fold, even at the last minute?

“Then we turn not only rogue state, but cannibalism. The sight of people rioting and screaming as the Japanese carmakers relocate to Eastern Europe will scar the EU forever. It’s their fault for making us hold the IN/OUT Referendum in the beginning. Now they own what we’ll do to them.”

I feel better now.

Here I was thinking we were currently governed by a cabal of spoilt brats who you wouldn’t trust to govern an industrialised country intimately connected with its neighbours for fear they’d just make a scat hash of it out of delusions of grandeur and a complete inability to separate their pseudo-sexual machismo from ACTUAL FUCKING REALITY AND HISTORY.