Category: Global Britain

FREEDOM OF NO SENSE : “If Brexit is to succeed everyone needs to get behind Brexit,” so began the speech this morning by a Michael Gove impersonator, dressed as a piece of used dental floss washed up on a river bank, “and that means our friends and our neighbours too. No matter how bad we treat them.”

So much so standard for Brexit fare. But what seemed like just tired repetition of a limp Brexit word salad was an opening to a new door. Whether it will be an open or shut door is not entirely clear.

“And part of making a success of Brexit will rest on the shoulders of those EU27 visitors who will continue to flock to the shores of Britannia even after we’ve told them all to get stuffed.”

Clearly.

“And this is where EU27 citizens of nowhere will really be put to the test. Just how bad do you want to come to Brexit Britain? How green with envy are you? Green enough to take the oath?”

The what now?

“Under plans being drawn up by my department, the PM’s SPADs and Priti Patel, there will be a simple way to prove that you’re worthy of entry to our promised land of sunlit uplands, unicorn hamburgers and children fighting over coats made of cats.”

Oh, that’s alright then. What is it?

“All anyone will need to do is take an oath of allegiance to Brexit and they will be granted a visa, after we gene type them and charge them £1,000 for the privilege.”

This sounds better than FOM. But what about UK citizens travelling to the EU27 after Brexit? Once the oath of allegiance becomes a thing?

“We do not anticipate the remaining EU countries will impose anything similar on our citizens. After all, we’re British.”

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A GENIUS TO STAY HERE : Brexit Britain will be certain of strong and stable governance from a consistently dim and consistent executive if Boris Johnson wins a majority at the National IQ test on December 12th.

Go Home Secretary Priti Patel announced sweeping changes to be brought into the immigration and border control systems should the party of sociopaths prevail.

“I will enjoy myself immensely,” Ms Patel told a hall packed with half baked scones and Conservative brand crackers, which all contain nuts, “just imagining a country which I rule where every home is fitted with a state of the art security and surveillance system is keeping me awake at night. Let’s just say house prices won’t be a problem for graduates anymore.”

Under the proposed changes each dwelling will be kept locked when the occupants aren’t at field work on a Tory MP estate. A control centre at the Home Office will monitor Britons and allow them out to work and see them safely back indoors and under lock and key.

“But what’s more, working in conjunction with our partners in US private health, Little Matt Hancock will send your genome across the pond for analysis. Anyone failing a perfectly designed points based system of genetic profiling will be expelled from the UK. Not everyone can enjoy the benefits of Brexit Britain.”

Not everyone will want to.

“And there’s more. To ensure everyone is happy with the wholesale destruction of their rights and civil liberties, Brexit Britain will start by clearing house with a national IQ test.”

The test is aimed to determine anyone with an IQ greater than Boris Johnson. These people will be deported to the EU27 to make a new life unassisted by the UK Gov.

“Clearly the entire serving cabinet will pass the test. So too anyone standing to be a Tory MP. No one smarter than Boris would be seen dead with us these days. A new world beckons Britons, but only if you’re dumb enough to allow it.”

IQ over and you’re out!

A NEW DAY HAS DAWNED : Debate is raging within the newly formed republic of Exasperania-Remainia today over whether or not to continue as a multi-mini state federation or revert to constitutional monarchy? And whether or not to ditch one of the names or keep both?

A source inside the Google hangout room, being used temporarily as the seat of government until a permanent capital can be built, had this to say,

“Some households are urging the use of an advisory referendum to decide the new republic’s government structure, but they have been rapidly identified as Russian bots and ejected. The feeling is that the Republic may become a constitutional monarchy on the condition of reverting back to a fully elected republic, after Queen Elizabeth II has finished her time on the throne. Until then it is seen as sensible to offer her a sane, evidenced based harbour.”

But minor matters regarding constitutional arrangements aside, the newly formed Republic of Remainia-Exasperania has already been admitted to the EU’s membership accession programme and looks set to become full members by the 13th December 2019.

We spoke to head of the diplomatic corp, Mr Evidence, to hear how it’s going?

“Fantastic. We’ve agreed to adopt the Euro, Schengen (it’ll operate entirely by airplane) and to pay the full membership fee as part of a fully signed up, multi-mini state federation belonging to the EU. I expect to become a millionaire in whatever currency you like trading in toilet paper to UK residents on my border after the UK crashes out of the EU.”

But will you still vote in the GE?

“Clearly we cant. We’re fine with that. We’ll just watch now and laugh and cry simultaneously.”

There are rumours that Boris Johnson is urging the MOD to take Remainia back into the UK by force, but that the MOD is unable to comply, due to Conservative government defence cuts.

And the Labour leadership is said to be sanguine.

“We can Just campaign fully for Lexit now. No more pretending we give a shit about Remainers, just because we need their votes. It’s great. We couldn’t be happier.”

LCD Views would like to wish the new republic good luck, but urge them to remain vigilant, as we’ve already heard reports of Michael Gove and Boris Johnson attempting to smuggle themselves over one of the many millions of new borders created today, hoping to escape from the giant mess they accidentally created.

Take back control of your borders Remainia-Exasperania and keep control.

JUST TAKE YOUR MEDICINE : Downing Street has moved to scotch suggestions that it plans to sell the NHS to outgoing President Donald Trump, in spite of details uncovered on Reddit.

“We would never do it,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “it’s not on the table. We don’t even have a table. That’s what we’re hoping to gain with a substantial majority in the upcoming GE. But when we get the table, we certainly won’t put the NHS on it. It’s simply too big.”

But in spite of the denials the fact that the Conservatives intend to rename the National Health Service “Trump Health” have people just a little bit suspicious.

“How could anyone be suspicious of hard right Tories bankrolled by US private health businesses?” the source went on, “just because most of them have written books saying how the government should sell the NHS? Did any of them say it should be sold to Donald Trump? This is just scaremongering.”

But in spite of all the rebuttals the suspicions are mounting. Fuelled by the sight of Jacob Rees-mogg walking around Somerset hospitals affixing price tags to patients.

“Jacob is just being a good public servant and letting people know how much they’re worth. It’s very conservative. I mean considerate. Those people should be grateful. Personally I’d find him sticking a value on my gammy limb quite uplifting.”

And there maybe something to the push back from the dirty canal currently installed in Downing Street. For a start there’s no guarantee that Donald Trump will still be President by the time the Tories do complete the sale of the NHS. By then it maybe someone else.

One of Brexit’s old slogans has been repurposed for the post-reality age. The arguments, lies and uncertainty on an unprecedented scale have led the Remain Alliance to declare, we want our country back.

Misty eyed nostalgics hark back to a mythical golden age, when the UK charmed and delighted the world. When all Brits were proud to be Brits, when this was an open, liberal and welcoming country. To be specific, 2012.

This, don’t forget, was also the year King Richard III was found lurking under a car park. The eyes of the world were on the UK once again.

Experts commonly agree that this golden age climaxed with Leicester City’s surprise Premier League victory in 2016, and ended shortly after when the notorious referendum on EU membership was held.

In truth, the end was already in sight, as the referendum campaigns gathered momentum. Or rather, one of the campaigns did. The Remain campaign fizzled out like a speech by Theresa May.

The magic of the football season over, the poison of Brexit properly entered the bloodstream of the body politic. We all know what happened next: the narrow majority for Leave was willfully misinterpreted, and hijacked by extremists intent on achieving their fraudulent ends. The UK stalled, paralysed by uncertainty and riven by tribal feuding.

In one sense, Prime Minister In Name Only Boris Johnson is correct when he says we must get Brexit done. But not in the way he projects. Brexit must be put away, confined to the past, abandoned, because it has torn the country apart and will continue to do so unless it is stopped. Perhaps he is hoping to lose the election he demanded, and insisted that he didn’t want, so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for destroying the UK or revoking Article 50.

Brexiters and Remainers alike want to turn the clock back. The difference is that Brexiters want to turn it back to 1812, and Remainers to 2012. Or 2016 if you support Leicester City.

RETURN FROM PLACE OF PURCHASE : A 10 Downing Street source said the mood inside the bunker is livid, crimson and other shades from the reddish spectrum today after The Opposition Party announced plans to re-nationalise the Prime Minister and cancel Brexit, in the national interest.

“I don’t know how they expect to pay for such extravagant plans,” the source seethed, “raise taxes on the wealthiest I suppose? Punish the people who create jobs creating letter boxes on tropical islands? Is that it? It’s not very British. It’s definitely not patriotic.

“The office of the prime minister has been sold allegedly to the Russians and to hard right American billionaires in good faith! And there’s nothing in the contracts about buy back rights.

“This half baked, ready meal of a manifesto could cause international money laundering to flood out of London. It will cripple the country’s finances. How will we pay for the consultants needed to sell off the NHS then? Tell me that for nothing.”

But a representative of TOP dismissed the furore from the so called government.

“If we’re wrong in our manifesto commitment to buy back the office of Prime Minister than release the Intelligence Report on Russian interference in British elections and referendums. Conduct the public inquiry into how a pole dancer was deserving of six figure sums from the taxpayer just to host speaking engagements for friends of Steve Bannon.

“Explain how a proven criminally corrupted opinion poll has come to decide all policy, regardless of the overwhelming evidence of its toxicity in our democracy.

“Our manifesto is fully costed by transparency, decency, respect for rule of law and equality of all before the law, regardless of office or status. Once the British people own the office of Prime Minister again I think you’ll find they’ll get a taste for owning other things that they are disenfranchised by. Such as the FPTP electoral system. We will sell that for scrap and invest in PR.”

TOP is clearly crazy.

PUTIN MOVES ON AND ROUBLING HIS PALMS TOGETHER OVER THE BIN FIRE OF BRITISH DEMOCRACY : Downing Street isn’t taking anything lying down today, least not accusations about its sources of funding. It’s decided to come clean before everything is leaked to the press anyway, from the repressed intelligence report into Russian interference into British elections.

But to build on the transparency, it has passed a new electoral law, under emergency powers, banning any candidate from standing who can’t show they’re Kremlin funded. This happened while you were asleep.

This is expected to be an uncontroversial act.

Especially as the official opposition really doesn’t appear to give two shits about the EUref electoral lawbreaking or the repressed intelligence report. Both of these appear to link so deeply into the corridors of power, anyone would think you could bring a government down with it. If you wanted to. If you started pulling at the threads. But, that would mean giving up on Lexit?

“Clearly London is going to remain one big farking laundromat once we regain power. We’ll have an even greater majority of allegedly Kremlin bought stooges in power,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views,

“we’ll stay huge in financial services and high end real estate too. We’ll service anyone you know. Just lay back and think of the percentage you get. Don’t worry about where the cash came from. If there’s a village screwed out of its cash falling apart somewhere. Too far away to see or care about.

“It’s a damn sight better than doing any actual work. You know, production. Actual capitalism. As this is modern Blighty it’s time our politicians came as clean as the pounds and dollars in their pockets and declared how much they get in roubles.

“It’s got to be a level playing field. How can you ask that ex-wife of that former diplomat over dinner to arrange the same level of donations to you if you don’t know what your colleagues are receiving? It’s blatantly unfair, as things stand. Let’s level the playing field.”

The new regulations, which will come into effect immediately, are expected to thin the field of parliamentary candidates for the December 12th GE. This will lead to a less distracting election and give stability and certainty to the population. Whoever wins, you know who’s bought them.

“There’s a bit of unhappiness of course from those that are US billionaire funded,” the source added, “but I don’t see what all the fuss is about? Just shift the cash into roubles before donation to your chosen candidate? There are plenty of apps to do that. And they can shift it into pounds sterling. It’s not rocket science. Although, I don’t know how it’s actually done of course. Maybe people can be paid in fancy cars?”

SIT ON THIS UNTIL IT BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACES : Downing Street have succumbed to pressure over its handling of the intelligence services report into Russian interference in the UK’s democratic processes.

“We will release the report,” a Downing Street source said today, “as we have nothing to hide. Nothing at all. There’s nothing in the report which makes queasy reading for Conservative GE candidates. It doesn’t even mention donations of Russian cash into the pockets of Conservative Party MPs. At least I think it doesn’t. I can’t be sure though. As I haven’t read it. I haven’t read it because there is nothing important in it. I’m sure of it. Comrade. May I call you comrade?”

But in spite of the fulsome reassurance that there is nothing to hide some skeptics keep insisting, BIZARRELY, that Downing Street won’t release the report because it has something to hide.

“You are well aware of the character of outgoing Prime Minister Boris Alexander de Rouble Johnsonov? How could there possibly be anything in the report of interest? It’s not like the Russians would ever catch him in a honey trap!”

Still, even though it is perfectly normal and natural for a government to attempt to prevent publication of a report that exonerates them, and any political agenda they’ve lashed themselves to the mast of (Brexit), people are still pushing for publication.

“It’s incredibly unpatriotic,” the source continues, “insisting a report in foreign interference in UK elections and referendums in released right at the start of a general election campaign? Unnecessary distraction that serves no one’s interests but the voters. How is governance supposed to continue as it has been? How are people expected to continue to take millions from figures linked to the Kremlin? Who is going to fund the election? All good questions. Now is not the time.”

But what about concerns someone may just leak the report?

“Oh, we will do that ourselves,” the source smirked, “it’ll be left on a train leaving Saint Pancras station at 14:00 next Monday. Just as soon as the Kremlin has finished making the redactions.”

U SUK A : LCD VIEWS HAS CONDUCTED an imaginary interview with international trade negotiation tzar Liz Truss and can now reassure everyone that there is everything to gain, and nothing to lose, if you can just swallow the post Brexit FTA with the USA.

Liz Truss : Please, take a seat. But make sure you bring it back when you’re finished with it.

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss plays canned laughter. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Ms Truss, thank you for taking the time to see me today.

Liz Truss : That’s time I’ll take, but I won’t be giving back, even when I’m finished with it.

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss plays canned laughter. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Ms Truss, some people are expressing concern that a post-Brexit FTA with the USA would lead to the lowering of UK food standards. What do you have to say?

Liz Truss : People aren’t eating enough pork. It’s disgraceful!

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss goes to play canned laughter, but realises she hasn’t said anything funny. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Secretary of State, your position on pork is well known. But what do you have to say to concerned Britons about the threat from US food safety standards?

Liz Truss : Food regulations eat into profits! That’s why they need to be gobbled up. It’s almost Christmas. I’ll be a turnkey. You be a turkey! Don’t tell me you’re chicken?

(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss attempts to play canned laughter. The recording malfunctions. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : In the US they have minimum regulations for the amount of maggots that can be included in fruit juice. Rat hairs in chocolate. Mammalian excretions in other foods. Aren’t we better off keeping to more stringent EU standards?

Liz Truss (thoughtfully crosses her legs, leans forward) : We have to wrap this up shortly. I am expecting a phone call from Nanoobia.

Rosie Searchlight : Thirty insect fragments in a jar of peanut butter?

Liz Truss : Rosie, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that people struggling to feed their families often worry about getting enough protein in their diets? And I am not talking about eating professional teenage athletes! Not those pro teens!

(Pause in the office of Truss for baffled stares. Interview continues.)

Rosie Searchlight : Are you suggesting that inclusion of maggots in fruit juice will bring more protein to poorer Britons’ diets?

Liz Truss : Now you get it! Global Britain’s belly will be full. Just make sure you don’t stare too closely when you open the packet. We have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Rosie Searchlight : Gain weight you mean and lose no pounds? To worm, or not to worm? That is the question?

Liz Truss : Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer. The wings and torsos of outrageous regulations, Or to take up arms (and legs) against a smoothie of follicles, and by lowering standards ingest them?

Rosie Searchlight : That is the question.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE : Concerns about foreign interference into UK elections, and perhaps even referendums, are set to be pushed into the long grass after 10 Downing Street announced it was ready to release the intelligence report.

“It was all a question of getting the format right,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “oh, and the font. If the font isn’t right people will have trouble with comprehension. Times New Roman? Clarendon? Well, the choices are endless. Some of them are very distracting. Imagine the trouble if we used Storybook? We’d never hear the end of it!”

But it’s not just the font that Downing Street are concerning themselves with, but also the format of the release.

“A big, fat, daunting report? Like one of those boring reports you get after a judge led public inquiry? People will nod off before they’ve finished the intro! So we’re going to shred the report first. This will give everyone an enriching experience when they read the report. You can even involve your kids in piecing the individual strands together. That will keep them busy for weeks! More so once we mix in a shredded copy of ‘War and Peace’.”

Of course critics of the delay to releasing the report, some in government have suggested until after the coming general election, have been dismissed as “handwringing, girly swots”.

“Some people need to get out more,” the source shrugged, “they wrap themselves into knots over distractions like who played tennis with who, for a massive cash donation. Who had dinner with who, for a massive cash donation. Who is laundering money via high end London property purchases? Such events are normal fundraising, especially when you’re taking money from the Russians.”

Whether or not US interference in UK democracy will be mentioned isn’t yet clear.

“I think you’ll get a clear and transparent answer to that from any of the ‘think tanks’ who regularly have representatives all over BBC news programmes,” the source said, “once they finish telling you that the failing NHS is the worst model for healthcare in the world, they’ll be prepared to offer you a good price on your home, if you’re over 55, to pay for your health care.

“But that’s nothing to do with Brexit and the realisation by US corporate interests that the greatest asset concentration in private hands in the UK is in home ownership of the over 55’s.”

I thought the report was concerned with the Russians?

“Well, it all can seem rather wrapped up together, Brexit, Putin, Americans billionaires. Funny old world. And to think we used to be against each other in the Cold War? And now we work together. The report should really be read as a testament to global cooperation.”

If we ever get to read it.