Category: Global Britain

FILE UNDER ‘PISS UP IN BREWERY’ : ROMANIAN field workers being flown in to the UK to do the vital work of picking our crops are being set straight, right at the off, about who needs who more.

“Boris Johnson has recorded a video message just for them,” our Downing Street ‘source’ tells LCD Views, “he’s had to shout the words, obviously, otherwise these chaps won’t be able to make head nor tail of instructions. But he wants them to feel welcome and that everything is perfectly fine and sensible.”

Tough questions are not being asked, as is usual in Brexitannia.

Who is profiting from the special charter flights? In terms of who has the contract to supply the workers? Are they linked to the governing Tory Party? Such as a postal ballot firm might be? Would the flights have happened regardless of Covid-19? Much in the way that the NHS has been run down to make working for a private contractor more appealing? Would the same neo-con have happened here?

“We were a bit bloody shocked that the millions of pro-Brexit accounts, which amplify and push the pro-Brexit message on social media, didn’t turn up for work. It’s almost like they’re mostly bots, or if real people, just big mouthed, gullible gammon who can’t be arsed to do a real day’s work for twelve hours in a field on sod all money, so we can enjoy cheap food. I’m sure no one will look into this in due course.”

But to save the blushes of the Romanians, who are probably embarrassed to be coming here to do the work Brits can’t be bothered to do, or can’t financially survive if they do, there is a welcome, care package.

“Boris has made them all disguises out of empty wine crates,” the source adds, “there’s a choice of two. They can dress as either the prime minister or the UK’s modern Lord Haw-Haw, Nigel Farage. This is so locals don’t try and stone them. Boris has even painted little faces on the masks, which is nice.”

And to make doubly sure they know their place in Brexitannia Anne Widdecombe has been specially employed to ride bareback along the crop lines with a loud hailer giving them one direct, indisputable message.

“You need us more than we need you!”

GLOBAL BRITAIN EMPIRE 2.0 TO THE MAX : The decision by Germany and Turkey to send medical aide to the U.K. has been seized on tonight by Brexit backing Tories.

“It’s a little patronising,” a leading imaginary member of the ERG told LCD Views, “but it just shows how much they need us more than we need them.”

The ventilators from Germany, who apparently can spare them, and the PPE from Turkey, in spite of how Boris “take it on the chin” Johnson and chums misused them in the service of Brexit, is welcome though.

“It’s a status thing,” the ERG went on, “Germany is apologising for past misdeeds and Turkey is sending supplication in the hope of favours from us. It’s all just as we expected when we legally exited the tyrannical European Union earlier this year. It’s been relatively plain sailing ever since. As you can see for yourself.”

But there are rumours of deeper, Brexit related motivations, alongside the well publicised shortage of both ventilators and PPE equipment in the U.K.

“When Xi rang up Boris in January to warn of the shitstorm heading our way he should have been ringing to give us all the supplies we’d need a few months down the line. You can’t expect a G7 member like ourselves to be distracted from sending Lid Truss off on trade expeditions to prepare for a pandemic months in advance. It’s just not cricket. And besides, Cheltenham had to go ahead, just ask the betting industry.”

But surely trade is the hidden motivation in sending medical aide to the leading, global, economic powerhouse that is the U.K.? Freed of the shackles of negotiating deals alongside half a billion other people?

“That’s exactly it. They’re trying to butter us up for a post Brexit trade deal. Brexit, which is definitely happening when the transition ends later this year. You can bank on it. Much like a celebratory 50p that you probably don’t want to hold right now because you don’t know where it’s been.”

GEOGRAPHY IS NO BOUNDARY TO SOVEREIGNTY : THE GOVERNMENT has announced it is to spend an estimated £700m per week, backdated to the 23rd June 2016, to fully recover British sovereignty.

“It was a bloody shock I tell you,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “when we walked into the office of Prime Minister Johnson and found him missing, we knew he was on a mini-break. So then we had to find out where he was, that took the better part of the day, before finally we got into a taxi to the large country estate where he was sleeping it off. It was early evening before he got up for a patriotic breakfast. It was after that we were able to present our findings to him, and the obvious ramifications were clear.”

The shock appears to be the discovery that the British Isles are subject to an “unacceptable impingement on our God given sovereignty of geography” by being located on the tectonic plate of Eurasia.

“It was like an atom bomb had gone off. Once Mr Johnson and his handler Cummings, and his handler’s handler, a chap called Elliot, realised the full extent to which the devious, so called scientists in Brussels had taken control of our very physical geography and stuck us all smack bang in EU-r-ASIA. Jesus. People didn’t sign up to that when they voted to join the EEC! I don’t mind telling you we almost saw Trident in action. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed. Essentially, because the room is bugged, we got a phone call from Russia with a plan.”

The cooler heads know how to react to this unacceptable sacrifice of British sovereignty, at the hands of European geographers.

“We’re still using Trident to sort this out. Later in the week the old subs will be ordered to target their missiles in a line starting up in the North Sea and running all the way down the Channel, passed France and beyond. Then they’ll swing towards the Atlantic, taking the Channel Islands with us, underneath and out past Ireland (see how they like that!), before turning back up again and going east to complete the cut out. The explosions will free us once and for all from the shackles of the EU’s tyrannical, geographical rule. Once the waves have calmed down it will be a simple matter of attaching ropes to the edge of the new mini-continent and by use of tug boats we’ll be off into the Atlantic and free to trade with the world. Any earthquakes or tsunami’s will be the fault of Brussels. An expensive public information campaign will make that obvious.”

And what will the new continent be called?

“Why Little Englandia of course. What else?”

Trout means trout! Those EU John Dory foreigners have had their chips. British fish are being recruited and trained to protect Britain’s fishing territories.

Heading up this initiative is MP Marcus Fysh. There are good reasons for choosing Marcus. Firstly, he is sufficiently Brexity. Secondly, and more importantly, his name is Fysh.

This is one in the birds eye for Brussels. The new aquatic troops will be led by highly trained Navy seals. For Cod, Queen and country, and we will give Europe the middle fish finger.

Our former allies may carp all they like, (hali)but the truth is that they are floundering. They have been stitched up like a kipper.

Secrecy is paramount. Mackerel and minnows alike are being given blue passports and trained to use Eton rifles. It’s an undercover, indeed underwater operation. And if anyone asks? Don’t tell ’em, pike!

While we have a whale of a time, experts have noticed a few problems. Firstly, fish tend to drink like a fish and spend all their lives being completely legless. Then the firearms will get wet and won’t work. Also fish are not known for being a dab hand with a rifle. Believe in Britain, we are told. Experts, experts! Stop pouring cold water on our fishy schemes!

All fish spawned within the 200 mile exclusion zone are henceforth defined to be British. Does this include fish from the continent, which is after all less than 200 miles from the Great British coast? Or is this a Poisson d’Avril?

For some reason, the humble Scottish Sturgeon has been excluded from consideration.

There is a porpoise to all this, of course. British fish will batter the foreign ones into submission and yesterday’s newspaper. British fish never, never, never will be supper.

We will sit on our lofty perch, and sing a patriotic tuna or two. Just to make sure the crabby foreigners know their plaice.

Global Britain has a simple message for the EU: so long, and thanks for all the fish.

Quite honestly, it all sounds like a load of pollocks.

ARE YOU FEELING WARM OR FAINT : The NHS is set to save billions on dental care in the years to come as traditional British diseases are set for a patriotic comeback.

“It’s not just rickets,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “once we no longer have imports of citrus scurvy is back too. And once all the teeth fall out from the gammy gums of ageing patriots then we will save billions by not having to pay for dental care. Remember, you can eat mud with no teeth so long as the mud has a Union Jack sticker on it.”

But not to fear, scurvy isn’t alone, rickets is on the revised list of diseases newly classified as “Patriotic” by the genius brain-boxes now running the United Kingdom (on behalf of American and Russian kleptocrats).

“When Britons suffer, and suffer willingly, having decided at the ballot box to elect a bunch of entitled half-wits driven solely by self-aggrandisement, greed and a skewed understanding of Darwinism, that suffering shows the world how mighty an independent, sovereign country is. We do not need engagement with complex, cross border supply chains. Apparently now we don’t even need farms! How that squares with no needing complex, cross border supply chains? I’m sure a genius will be along to explain soon. Presumably we’ll 3D print food.”

The full list of diseases you can volunteer to suffer from to show Brussels who holds all the cards will be published shortly.

“Make mine a pick ‘n mix. I think that will be the slogan. A little bit of scurvy, some rickets and a few open sores, that’s how you’ll tell a patriot. Remember, some short term pain is necessary to make a success of Brexit. No one ever said it would be any different.”

BALL AND CHAIN : The UK’s government, known by itself as the sports car of administrations the world over, has announced its intention to withdraw from the European Arrest Warrant.

“We’re getting our sovereignty back,” a figment of the imagination. claiming to be a Downing Street source, said, “total and complete sovereignty. Much like North Korea, well, except for the bits where they let China push them about. So much like North Korea.”

The Warrant makes it much easier to remove foreign born criminals from the UK and ship them back where they came from.

“Why would we make it harder to send lawbreakers back home?” the source went on, “especially when we’re tough on crime and our prisons are overflowing? It’s about foreign born expertise. Our government sends a lot more of them back, prior to taking back control, then they send to us. So really, as with everything, the EU needs us more than we need them.”

But some have speculated, totally without justification, that it doesn’t make any sense. That once again Brexit is causing the UK to cut its nose off to spite its face. It will now be harder to extradite British criminals back to the UK to face justice.

“Now you’re getting it,” the source winked, “have you seen the reports on the scale of money laundering going on in London? Basically one of the pillars of Global Britain’s economy right there. You don’t want to kill the golden goose. Not that these issues are in any way related.”

Maybe the next time a sitting Tory MP faces trial for fraud or some egregious personal crime they can just bugger off to Spain?

“I wouldn’t have thought so. Not when they can be convicted and then be re-selected. It’s 2020 remember. Let’s just say we’re withdrawing out of professional courtesy and leave it at that. And for one other reason.”

Which is?

“If the bloody stuffed shirts in Brussels had agreed to rename it the British Arrest Warrant we would have stayed in it. Just like the European Court of Justice and the whole EU itself.”

JUST EAT IT : “BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SHALL BE AFRAID of any element on the periodic table, especially not chlorine, and shall show a stout and ready face to whatever qualifies as food from 2021. You put it in front of us and we will eat it. And not because we don’t have any other choice,” so said Environment Secretary, Georgian Cant MP, aiming to show just how fearless Britons will need to be.

The display of proper British bravado occurred during a press conference in a barn earlier today and definitely involved the eating of some chicken.

Well, not exactly chicken. But whatever it was, Gregorian Cant claimed it was food and it had an aftertaste of poultry. He then went on to enthuse further over the future of British food.

“Under strict new guidelines, to be drawn up in consultation with our friends in big Agriculture in the United States, all food products claiming to be chicken will have a minimum chicken component stipulated by law, before any trade deal is agreed, post the transition period that begins Brexit. Farmers in the UK need not fear, for we will organise buses for them to retrain as customs officers.”

He then ate whatever it was, after donning a face mask, gloves and protective clothing as standard for handling high concentrations of chlorine, or Covid.

“This Britons,” he panted, face reddening, what looked like bleeding occurring from his gums, “this is the taste of sovereignty!”

He is expected to make a full recovery and denies rumours of an instant conversion to veganism.

GOING GLOBAL : Great news for potatriots today with the announcement from Brexit Industries, aka 10 Downing Street, that the new British blue Brexit passports will be issued from March this year.

“These blue passports are all about taking back control,” a Downing Street source said, “they allow Britons to no longer freely travel in over thirty countries without visas, regaining our control of queueing on continental Europe. Except, sadly, for me because I’m rich enough to have bought a second citizenship. Suckers! Stay home and pick that fruit, I’ll be in Nice. Ha!”

The new passports have the additional superpowers of loss of reciprocal health care across Europe.

“This means you can now take back control of purchasing travel insurance. Win! Especially for Brexit backers with financial interests in insurance. It’ll help get Britons ready for the loss of the NHS.”

They also take back control of looking for work locally.

“A passport to fruit picking, if you will.”

Surely there’s no better way to celebrate regaining our sovereignty and control of our borders by outsourcing the passports to a French company manufacturing them in Poland.

“Yes. It’s fitting. Just like Brexit, the passports have been manufactured by foreign interests. How very Brexit indeed.”

Take back control of your ability to enrich corporate interests at the expense of patriotic British citizens.

“That’s Brexit Industries modus operandi.”

Down with this sort of thing! The Send ‘Em Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has ordered that all European opera will be replaced by the Last Night of the Proms after Brexit is finally done.

The ban extends to all music and arts in the UK. There will be a bhangra ban, a Hindi hoodoo, and any attempts by right-on hippy types to screen foreign language films will be subjected to police raids.

“We want a monocultural, monolingual country,” Patel announced to a standing ovation. “Restricting opera to repeated performances of Land of Hope and Glory will reinforce this!” she exclaimed, in the strident manner of Margaret Thatcher. Again rapturous applause. “To accept opera in a foreign language is to undermine the very essence of what it is to be British. There is no alternative!” Excited, deafening clamour.

At this point, Patel had became almost godlike in her audience’s eyes. She could have said anything and they would have cheered – take the first three rows out and shoot them, socialism is the way forward, The Birdie Song is the greatest song ever written – anything. So they missed the irony of her exiting the stage to Wagner.

Outside the arena, the one dissenting voice in the crowd (LCD Views’ Fat Lady correspondent) tried to bring individuals down to earth.

Here, listen to a bit of this, tell us what you really think.

“It sounds like some bird shrieking in pain,” remarked Boyle McGammon. “Why? What is it?”

We showed him the score.

“Oo’s it by? Oh, Wolf Gang Amadeus Mozzart. Oo’s ‘e when ‘e’s at ‘ome then?” he asked, not unreasonably..

Did you ever watch Amadeus?

“Oh, the foreign geezer ‘oo didn’t like the other foreign geezer,” he said. “Yeah, it was a heap of old crap if you ask me. What’s this tune called anyway?”

Again, we showed him the score.

“Die Zauberflöte? What the actual f#ck?” he exclaimed. “Who is Zorba-erm-thingy and why does he have to die? Why can’t they just write about a magic flute, or something? European crap! Priti is right. This is why we had to leave!”

Land of hope and glory! Mother of the free! Dum dum da-da-da daa daa, erm, something about, erm, God and being mighty. Erm… Land of hope and glory…

WITH IMMEDIATE AFFECT : Freedom of Movement can be a double edged sword. On one hand it can allow people to foster friendships across an entire continent that was once in almost perpetual, nationalist fuelled conflict, find their life partners, accept work or education opportunities across borders, maybe retire somewhere you find really lovely, but, on the other it can lead to you hearing foreign voices on trains.

It’s easy to see why ‘Take Back Control’ was such an emotional hook for a percentage of the electorate, finally freed to express their genuine concerns about immigration at the ballot box.

But it seems, no matter how steadfast, heroic and determined the leadership of the UK is from Downing Street, regarding ending freedom of movement for people (but not for money, clearly, and not for rich people either), the arrogant and unelected, elected heads of state of the EU27 have been slow to get the message that OUT MEANS OUT.

Until now.

We are pleased to announce that following last night’s broadcast of insightful, fact based discussion on BBCQT, that the EU is finally going to act.

With immediate effect all UK facing borders are to be sealed, welded shut, bricked up and barbed wired shut. The EU is taking back control now and it’s about time too.

“We are left with no choice,” said Mr Brussels in a funny sounding voice, “we have to immediately seal our borders with yourselves. Just in case that mad bigot shouting about the UK being full and the necessity of immediately closing UK borders gets out.”