Category: Global Britain

OUR THICKEST HOUR : Fresh cries of bullying laid at the door of the undemocratic, tyrannical, bureaucratic, red tape producing super state across the ENGLISH Channel today – by Brexiters, as the EU announced its reaction to the Kent lorry super park.

“This just shows how unwilling they are to renegotiate the renegotiated Withdrawal Agreement,” an ERG spokesman told LCD Views, in between bashes of his forehead into a wall. “Get me an ice pack will you. I’ve got a headache coming on. I’ve no idea why.”

And the ERG wasn’t alone.

Well known hand artist and Kent MP, Mr Green, was also riled up by the lorry park decision.

“They can’t install the world’s largest box of popcorn at Calais. It’s undemocratic. I didn’t switch from supporting remain to backing Brexit purely in the hope of preserving my career. I’m far from alone in that.”

But in spite of the protests from the departing member state, the EU seems intent on the installation.

“We aim to have the lasting monument to British exceptionalism completed by the end of the summer,” an engineer working at the site confirmed.

“The box will be self-replenishing with fresh popcorn. A fleet of drones will ferry servings out to all who come to watch events across the Chanel Anglaise. And we are paying for it from funds that used to go to the regions of the UK. It’s a win-win.”

Asked what they expected to see across the Channel, the engineer grinned.

“Truckers dogging in Kent. For one. And by the way, there will be a special stand erected for the Scottish, when they get here. Also the Welsh and Northern Irish. The Cornish too, if they like. You English, you are a funny bunch. Grab some popcorn, if you can get any next year, and enjoy your liberté!”

RAMPING UP : Ahead of the 2024 General Election in England and the Disputed Territory of Wales, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has promised he will achieve a “world beating” free trade deal with the Republic of Scotland.

“While no one doubts the sincerity of Mr Johnson’s assertion, well not anyone who has had a lobotomy doubts it, achieving the deal in the time available will be problematic [to say the least],” a Downing Street source admitted.

Not least is the difficulty the Johnson administration appears to be having accepting it isn’t just negotiating with Scotland, but all of the EU, which has recently admitted its newest member, Scotland.

“Nicola Sturgeon is rumoured to have requested Michel Barnier lead the trade negotiations with England and the Disputed Territory of Wales. This is clear provocation and a sign that she does not want the talks to succeed ahead of Mr Johnson’s re-election.”

The re-election is of course certain, due to recent constituency boundary changes in England, reducing the already reduced number of constituencies from 14 to 1. The one being Mr Johnson’s constituency.

“The additional decision to outlaw all parliamentary candidates from standing for election who aren’t already elected does of course give Mr Johnson an advantage.”

And it’s not just the EU, Sturgeon and that wily old foe Barnier that Johnson has to deal with.

“He has a host of problems. Daily Covid-19 deaths are still in triple figures in England,” our electoral analyst reports, “although you are herd pressed to find the data now that the Department for Health (social care having been abandoned long ago) is headquartered in Baronet Tim Martin’s Wetherspoons.”

Additionally, the alternative government (in exile) of Keir Starmer looks likely to undermine Mr Johnson by successfully requesting the EU negotiates with it too from its temporary parliament in Catalonia.

The decision by Mr Starmer to use the years in exile to become fluent in French, German, Arabic, Spanish and Mandarin does appear to be paying dividends.

“Look, in spite of the total reliance of England on Scotland for water supplies, due to the ongoing border war with the ‘Free Welsh Militia’, or the Rhys ap Gruffydd’s (as they’re commonly known) and the imposition of electricity tariffs by Downing Street on EU energy imports (meaning the lights are rarely on, no matter who is home) Mr Johnson is confident that his battle cry of ‘They Need Us More Than We Need Them!’ will see Sturgeon buckle.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Johnson luck in the negotiations. With belief he can succeed. We are certain the German automotive sector will apply pressure to Sturgeon to give England a great deal. And yes, David Davis is still certain too.

“It would have been helpful if the Russians hadn’t allowed Dominic Cummings’ to go into exile in Siberia, after he successfully hijacked AirFarce One and had that IT intern re-programme it to fly to Moscow last year (for an eye test),” the source added, “but then you can’t have everything.”

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

And we do not welcome our new brain eating amoeba overlords at all.

A LITTLE MP TO CALL HOME : Democracy in Global Britain has never looked more secure with the news today that a grassroots campaign called ‘PR Would Be A Good Start’ has taken a leaf out of the Tory donor handbook.

“It’s actually a kickstarter,” Mr Legit told LCD Views, “but the press is reporting it as a crowdfunder. That’s inaccurate. If we’re successful in purchasing a complete Tory MP we expect to make a significant profit on the initial investment, and to reinvest accordingly. My projections are for £108m, minus costs such as brown paper bags and expensive dinners, but that’s just for starters. Even partial ownership of an MP should see us making hay. Our ultimate aim is to change electoral laws and the voting system in England. Maybe even move Westminster to Manchester for six months each year, just for the fun of it.”

And the kickstarter move hasn’t yet caused the sort of kickback one would expect from Tory MPs, in spite of the loose accusation of alleged corruption that naturally goes with it, and them.

“I don’t care who feathers my nest,” Sir Fillme Boots-Swine, told LCD Views, “I’ll lobby for the devil or the angels. The accumulation of money and the sense of power that goes with it is all that matters. And the free bubbles! Ha! You want me to lobby to have environmental regulations strengthened to protect puffins? Fine. I’ll do that just as happily as I’ll lobby say to overturn Green Belt planning laws so you can build a mega-abattoir with US food industry cash. Just give me £20,000 and I’m all yours. Well, on a hourly rate, so about half a day’s work. I’ve got some free time in the diary in September. Let’s get you booked in.”

How the initiative to buy an MP will play out isn’t yet clear, given that the malign interests that already appear to allegedly heavily sponsor MPs have much deeper pockets, but as Mr Legit says, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Cash or cheque?”

SOME VICTORIES ARE GRATER THAN OTHERS : The UK’s Home Secretary, the disgraced former Secretary for International Development, Priti ‘smirk’ Patel, is reported to be in a highly agitated and confused state today.

The reason for the distress is said to be the result of her leading the charge to end Freedom of Movement in Europe.

“It’s the usually bullying from Brussels,” an aide working closely with Patel told LCD Views, “they are refusing to acknowledge the primacy of British law over the continent. It’s rather pathetic and won’t help them one jot in their mad scramble to get a deal.”

But critics have pointed out that Mrs Patel may feel less confused if she understood the basic reality of what the UK has just ‘achieved’.

“Balderdash. Understanding reality gets in the way of the will of the people,” the addled aide retorted, “Brexit, and thus Brexiters, are happy socially distanced from reality, and have been since the start of the pandemic [of idiocy]. We’ve no intention to change now.”

And they may not change their mindsets, even as they set about dismantling the UK’s place in the 21st century, and indeed the UK.

“Freedom of movement has ended. Europe will just have to accept that, except for the thirty odd other countries that still have it. They can’t just breeze into the UK anymore. They’ll have to satisfy themselves with everywhere else in Europe. See how they like that!”

Definitely a major moment in the Brexit process which will be fully understood by the overwhelmingly majority in the fullness of time. Well, assuming they’re allowed a break in their serfdom sufficiently expansive to allow it.

Global Britons. Staying home. Definitely not just wandering over to Europe. This is what the people wanted. Middle men gobbling up their spending power as they attempt to try and do things they used to do for free.

“It’s all a storm in a teacup anyway,” the aide added, “just wait until Europe sees what we intend to do about the human rights act. The near sexual buzz Brexit MPs now feel at revelling in their engorged power to lord it over poorer Britons. Jealousy won’t be the right word for it.”

THE BORIS BOOMERANG: Aussie rules are making a comeback. No matter how hard you try to throw them away, they always return. The old euphemism for No Deal is back on the table, slathered in Vegemite and garnished with Tim Tams.

“This is fantastic news, and when I say fantastic I mean really spaffing – no, spiffing,” gibbered Boris Johnson, who these days barely even pretends to be Prime Minister. “We have always been great friends with the Austrians – no, Ostriches – no, Australians – and Aussie rules brings us closer than ever before!”

How will you achieve that closeness?

“Errm, well, yes, now the thing is, it’s a simple solution,” burbled Johnson. “I will, erm, right ho, ah yes, build a bridge between England and Australia! Modern architecture is a wonderful thing, don’t you know. Or we could create a tunnel like with France. It’s straight down of course, so gravity will do all the work.”

What are the benefits of Aussie rules Brexit?

“Yes, well, wiff waff, there are many, many, good things here,” stalled Johnson. “Vegemite, of course. Yes. Those lovely Tim Tams, you can’t get them here, what a great deal! And Steve Smith. Yes! We’re all on the same side now! Steve Smith will have to play for England, and we will win the Ashes every year! Huzzah!”

What do the Australians think of this?

“Put it this way,” Johnson said, suddenly serious. “The Aussies are basically the English criminal class who were sent to the outback to teach them a good hard lesson. I think they have probably served their time, and should be jolly grateful that we only deported them and built them crude shacks to live in, instead of making them sleep on the beaches. It was a hostel environment!”

The country is being burned as we speak. England is being cremated, and the ashes will be sent to Australia.

DROWNING NOT WAVING : THE PRIDE OF A COUNTRY is often thought to exist intangibly in its national symbols, which explains why Great Britain has so very many symbols.

“But none are more symbolic than the flag,” our Flag Fetish expert reveals today, “and the Union Jack is recognised internationally as the most potent symbol that there is.”

And it seems the famous old flag is carrying more weight in the 21st century, as the UK, freed of the shackles of oompf to be found in membership of a multi-national group of democracies numbering over a half a billion people, makes its way once more alone on the world stage.

“Everyone knows what the Union Jack means,” our expert continues, “which is why we can be so proud of the new international consensus over its meaning.”

This new consensus appears to be a revolution in the way countries signal distress to the world.

“It was pretty old fashioned to have to physically turn a flag upside down to say you’re in trouble,” our expert explains, “when you consider the sheer number of flags in a country? Having teams of civil servants, or territorials, run about the place turning every flag upside down? It’s incredibly inefficient. Well, now Global Britons are freed of that tiresome chore.”

This is because it has been agreed overnight that the Union Jack is now the international symbol of distress, whether its upside down or back to front or balancing on a corner.

“The message is clear and made more crystal with each passing day that Dominic Cummings runs the country,” our expert finishes, “if you see a Union Jack, you know the person flying it needs help.”

IF YOU LIKED IT SO MUCH YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A FLAG ON IT : Extra details today about the much loved revamp of Boris Johnson’s flying zoo, first announced in the week the government attempted not to feed hungry children over summer.

“It’s not just the new paint job that’s special,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’ve changed the engines too. The better to showcase Global Britain to the world, freed of the shackles of unelected officials, thanks to Brexit and Dom. Classic.”

It appears in addition to painting a signal of distress on the tail the engines have been replaced with a new design that burns wads of £50 notes.

The burning of pound sterling-engines was developed by an international consortium of hedge fund traders and kleptocrats and are believed to be incredibly efficient. It’s also thought the sheer cost of keeping the plane flying will counterbalance the lack of demand for Sterling on the international exchanges.

“The only snag is the sheer volume of money required to keep flying,” the source continued, “you need to throw in about £350m a week in fifties. Lesser denomination notes won’t do the job. It has to be fifties. Although if you get stuck mid-flight, running low on fuel, then you can have a group of Tory MPs stand on the wings and clap for the NHS. The intense concentration of hypocrisy creates a kind of magnetic field that continues to drive the engines. You can also throw in bundles of national self respect and international reputation, if you want to supercharge the plane. Or put a tiger in the tank, as we say.”

While the engines maybe of a new design the fuel delivery system is a classic.

“They operate like a traditional British steam engine from the Victorian era. You simply have a burly child stand in front of the furnace and shovel in the cash. And then keep shovelling!”

But there is one warning with the new system.

“It’s like diesel and unleaded with cars,” the source adds, “if you even attempt to put offshore tax haven money into the turbines the whole show will collapse. It has to be public cash from the Royal Mint. The more the merrier.”

SHEARING SHEEP : THE HOUSE OF COMMONS has been the scene of many a fierce exchange between equally able adversaries in its long and glorious history, and never less so than the current era.

Mr Johnson, currently pretending to be prime minister (so Mr Cummings can swing the wrecking ball behind the scenes), squared off against the fact obsessed Starmer yesterday and hit himself square between the lies.

Faced with an entirely unnecessary series of questions based in entirely unnecessary facts from Sir Starmer, Mr Johnson put his sizeable shoulder to the mental hamster wheel Cummings runs him on daily, and demanded an answer from the Leader of the Opposition.

Perhaps he mistakenly believes “PMQs” means it’s time for him to ask questions, and not answer them?

“I know the right honourable gentlemen is mired in the dogeared traditions of the past,” Mr Johnson wafted, looking anywhere but at Mr Starmer, “he seems to think that having a functioning government not led by an idiot is a benchmark of governance? And this in the age of public servants doing the work of hedge funds and billionaires? Really. Does he not realise the UK is now a billionairocracy? He is a man out of his time.”

Mr Starmer waited with the delightful air of coiled passive aggressiveness that is proving so effective against Mr Johnson. Perhaps an aura modelled on imagining what is Mr Johnson’s private nightmare? The close confidant or partner that once again has him bang to rights and is just waiting for him to trigger the trap?

“I challenge the right honourable gentleman to name one country that has a functioning prime minister?”

Mr Starmer inhaled and then exhaled the one word that is kryptonite to puffed up, pathetic, empire nostalgia freaks like Mr Johnson.

“Germany.”

Although the list that answers Mr Johnson’s ill considered question is of course, much longer. Just like the list of countries with functioning Covid-19 apps.

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE BLOWN : BORIS JOHNSON is seeking to capitalise today on the successful campaign to distract from the BLM campaign for racial equality.

“The furore over the statue of Winston Churchill in Westminster was a real triumph,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s completely muddied the waters, more so even than the Bristol Harbour when Colston was thrown in.”

To profit from this Mr Johnson is said to be planning to indulge one of his long running, monumental fantasies.

“We’re going to model the Churchill statue on the Colossus of Rhodes,” the source continues, “one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. This will be a modern wonder. It’ll really put Global Britain on the map. And what’s more, it’ll show the bloody French who they’re dealing with post Brexit! No chance of them dominating the trade land bridge between Dover and Calais with Winston towering over the Channel. Raab is beside himself over it. He wants to cut the ribbon.”

But controversy has already besieged the plan, with leaked designs showing the giant statue boxed, fridges if you like, but no door for him to get out. Permanently captured by Tory propaganda.

“Look. We’ve measured it in feet and not metres. What more do people want? And with permanent hoarding no statue protestor is going to be able to deface the statue. And think of the jobs that will be created? The small family firm which has been given the construction contract is over the moon. It’s a big step up for them from building garden sheds. There’s so much to be pleased about.”

The cost of the Colossus of Dover is also cheap, compared to Brexit.

“The project will run for years, with no end in sight, and cost £350m per week. Better spent in Dover than ferried over to Brussels! Take that Junker!”