Category: Global Britain

IF YOU LIKED IT SO MUCH YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A FLAG ON IT : Extra details today about the much loved revamp of Boris Johnson’s flying zoo, first announced in the week the government attempted not to feed hungry children over summer.

“It’s not just the new paint job that’s special,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’ve changed the engines too. The better to showcase Global Britain to the world, freed of the shackles of unelected officials, thanks to Brexit and Dom. Classic.”

It appears in addition to painting a signal of distress on the tail the engines have been replaced with a new design that burns wads of £50 notes.

The burning of pound sterling-engines was developed by an international consortium of hedge fund traders and kleptocrats and are believed to be incredibly efficient. It’s also thought the sheer cost of keeping the plane flying will counterbalance the lack of demand for Sterling on the international exchanges.

“The only snag is the sheer volume of money required to keep flying,” the source continued, “you need to throw in about £350m a week in fifties. Lesser denomination notes won’t do the job. It has to be fifties. Although if you get stuck mid-flight, running low on fuel, then you can have a group of Tory MPs stand on the wings and clap for the NHS. The intense concentration of hypocrisy creates a kind of magnetic field that continues to drive the engines. You can also throw in bundles of national self respect and international reputation, if you want to supercharge the plane. Or put a tiger in the tank, as we say.”

While the engines maybe of a new design the fuel delivery system is a classic.

“They operate like a traditional British steam engine from the Victorian era. You simply have a burly child stand in front of the furnace and shovel in the cash. And then keep shovelling!”

But there is one warning with the new system.

“It’s like diesel and unleaded with cars,” the source adds, “if you even attempt to put offshore tax haven money into the turbines the whole show will collapse. It has to be public cash from the Royal Mint. The more the merrier.”

SHEARING SHEEP : THE HOUSE OF COMMONS has been the scene of many a fierce exchange between equally able adversaries in its long and glorious history, and never less so than the current era.

Mr Johnson, currently pretending to be prime minister (so Mr Cummings can swing the wrecking ball behind the scenes), squared off against the fact obsessed Starmer yesterday and hit himself square between the lies.

Faced with an entirely unnecessary series of questions based in entirely unnecessary facts from Sir Starmer, Mr Johnson put his sizeable shoulder to the mental hamster wheel Cummings runs him on daily, and demanded an answer from the Leader of the Opposition.

Perhaps he mistakenly believes “PMQs” means it’s time for him to ask questions, and not answer them?

“I know the right honourable gentlemen is mired in the dogeared traditions of the past,” Mr Johnson wafted, looking anywhere but at Mr Starmer, “he seems to think that having a functioning government not led by an idiot is a benchmark of governance? And this in the age of public servants doing the work of hedge funds and billionaires? Really. Does he not realise the UK is now a billionairocracy? He is a man out of his time.”

Mr Starmer waited with the delightful air of coiled passive aggressiveness that is proving so effective against Mr Johnson. Perhaps an aura modelled on imagining what is Mr Johnson’s private nightmare? The close confidant or partner that once again has him bang to rights and is just waiting for him to trigger the trap?

“I challenge the right honourable gentleman to name one country that has a functioning prime minister?”

Mr Starmer inhaled and then exhaled the one word that is kryptonite to puffed up, pathetic, empire nostalgia freaks like Mr Johnson.

“Germany.”

Although the list that answers Mr Johnson’s ill considered question is of course, much longer. Just like the list of countries with functioning Covid-19 apps.

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE BLOWN : BORIS JOHNSON is seeking to capitalise today on the successful campaign to distract from the BLM campaign for racial equality.

“The furore over the statue of Winston Churchill in Westminster was a real triumph,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s completely muddied the waters, more so even than the Bristol Harbour when Colston was thrown in.”

To profit from this Mr Johnson is said to be planning to indulge one of his long running, monumental fantasies.

“We’re going to model the Churchill statue on the Colossus of Rhodes,” the source continues, “one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. This will be a modern wonder. It’ll really put Global Britain on the map. And what’s more, it’ll show the bloody French who they’re dealing with post Brexit! No chance of them dominating the trade land bridge between Dover and Calais with Winston towering over the Channel. Raab is beside himself over it. He wants to cut the ribbon.”

But controversy has already besieged the plan, with leaked designs showing the giant statue boxed, fridges if you like, but no door for him to get out. Permanently captured by Tory propaganda.

“Look. We’ve measured it in feet and not metres. What more do people want? And with permanent hoarding no statue protestor is going to be able to deface the statue. And think of the jobs that will be created? The small family firm which has been given the construction contract is over the moon. It’s a big step up for them from building garden sheds. There’s so much to be pleased about.”

The cost of the Colossus of Dover is also cheap, compared to Brexit.

“The project will run for years, with no end in sight, and cost £350m per week. Better spent in Dover than ferried over to Brussels! Take that Junker!”

COSTA DEL NO : British prime minister and world LEADER, Boris ‘Al to his chums’ Johnson is to send a sternly worded rebuke today to all of Spain.

LCD Views has been given a copy of the letter by a Downing Street source and can exclusively reveal some of the contents.

“It comes to a pretty, date I say petty, pass in the long friendship of our two nations when Brits are banned from the Costa del Sol, but Germans can just waltz right in, for no good reason at all. Other than a trifling discrepancy in CV-19 experiences, which are easily explained by the most cursory examination of varying use of statistics.”

And that’s not all. There are a lot of barely relevant classical references, which we have decided not to reprint so as not to spoil the surprise for Spain.

The banning of Brits is especially unfortunate given that “Her Majesty’s Government is set to relax social distancing further in the U.K., the better to allow Conservative MPs to resume their extramarital affairs.

“Can Junker just sail his yacht to Mallorca now with mistresses in tow, but Montgomery Filliby-Sax-Generouswaffle-Bunting-Pax-Romanica can not? This will not further Spanish interests in the looming unilateral, post Brexit, trade talks.”

It is certain that the great people of these islands will stand shoulder to shoulder with the robust stance of the prime minister. We will not be bullied! The people dying in their hundreds daily from CV-19 are in British hospitals, not Brits in Spanish hospitals. There is no good reason at all to ban Brits.

But it’s not all troubled waters. In a further boost to British morale Mr Johnson will threaten to hold the 2020 beach towel to sun lounger championships in Dover, with the competition broadcast across Europe. And we will say NO PADRE! NEIN GERMANIA! When desperate Europeans demand to compete.

And in a further example of the strategic genius of Downing Street, Swedes will be allowed fo compete, seeing as their government also followed the fearless “kill all the weak” public health policy with Covid-19.

Costa Del No? So what? Drink your own Corona! Brits are happiest at home this summer!

KEEP YOUR COVID IN A CASTLE : THE GREEK AUTHORITIES HAVE ISSUED A STATEMENT TODAY, IN ADVANCE OF THEIR BAN ON UK TRAVELLERS TO GREECE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

“The UK’s acting prime minister, Dominic Cummings, will be aprehended the moment he attempts to enter Greece,” a border force official said soberly, “we are aware that any law restraining his freedom of movement will be seen as a challenge. We are ready to take him into custody and send him back where he came from.”

The motivation appears to be the roaring success Mr Cummings has made of Covid-19 in the UK, which currently tops the world leagues in excess mortality.

But confusion has arisen over where Mr Cummings will come from? Will it be his London elite Islington address, Durham in general, Chillingdon Castle or Barnard Castle?

What is certain is that he will already have an excuse ready for why his travel was necessary, while 65m+ other UK citizens did as they were told, because they were stupid enough to hold the greater public good to heart.

“Remember, he will probably claim something ridiculous like he was only travelling to Greece because he was concerned that the beaches were running out of sand, or something similar,” the official added, “this assertion is not meant to be taken at face value. It’s purpose is to show you that he holds you in contempt and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

It is expected that numerous Tory Party MPs will also need to be swiftly apprehended and returned. In fact, probably the majority of the current cabinet, judging by the catalogue of unpunished breaches which occurred while the UK government pretended to lockdown.

It’s understood Mr Cummings’ wife is already writing the sequel to her famous Covid-19 fantasy. This is also set in London, while the real action will be happening far, far away.

IT’S THE INALIENABLE RIGHT OF BRITISH MEN WITH MISTRESSES TO HAVE A BEACH HOLIDAY : Downing Street is ramping up the pressure on the Greek government today to fulfil Downing Street’s breezy assurance of ‘air bridges’ for summer holidays.

This comes after no less than the Greek tourism minister poured cold water on the idea. Some quibble about UK Covid-19 levels. But that isn’t stopping the UK government. Listening to what foreign chaps say is something we haven’t done since the 16th century.

“The Greeks, they can have the Elgin Marbles back,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “the British Museum will just have to suck it up. It’s a question of priorities. And they can have the flipping Pantheon back too. And the Lighthouse of Pharos. Sod it. Throw in Alexander the Great’s marble cricket bat. The entire UK catalogue of Nana Mouskouri vinyl, if that’s what it takes. Basically, whatever they like. But. We. Must. Have. That. Air. Bridge. Mr. Johnson. Must. Holiday.”

But while the offers to the Greek administration are ramping up, it seems the scope of the British government ambition is distinctly ramping down. At least in terms of who gets a summer holiday.

“Look, we’re just asking for a beach holiday for Boris Johnson, plus one.”

This has led to speculation about who the plus one maybe?

“That’s flipping obvious,” the source informed, rather testily, “It won’t be Carrie or his estranged wife or any of the mothers of his numerous children. It’ll be Dom. Those two are inseparable. And for any wags tempted to say Boris has lost his marbles, you just look at his handling of Covid-19.”

As for who will pay for Mr Johnson+1 to go on holiday, the answer to that remains a mystery buried on the island of Mustique.

A PRITI AWFUL DAY : HOME SECRETARY AND FORMER DISGRACED MINISTER FOR INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT, PRITI “IMMIGRUNTS SUK!” PATEL, HAS RETURNED in triumph with her immigration bill.

The bill, which aims to show the dominance of the United Kingdom by stripping its citizens of rights to live, work, love, be educated and settle across an entire continent, passed at the second reading in the House of Commons. Three times will be a charm.

“It was a great day for evil,” a source inside the Ministry of Malignance told LCD Views, “to think, millions of people will suffer. The greatest abolition of rights for Brits in centuries. Decades of progress reversed at a stroke. It really is delicious.”

Exactly when the changes will come into force isn’t entirely clear. It will become clearer when confusion of the extent of the transition period is cleared up.

“Of course the Bank of England is seeing to it that the financial sector doesn’t exit the transition at the end of the year. As for the peasants, well, mwahahahahaha. Get rich quick folks! Ha!”

Of particular joy with the bill is the confirmation that the very same immigrant workers currently dying, treating Brits, will be charged for the privilege of accessing healthcare, while also paying NI.

“We’re particularly pleased with that. The sheer weight of rank hypocrisy is mindboggling. Priti will be out clapping on Thursday night for the NHS, don’t worry about that.”

But how many times will Priti Patel clap?

“Why 300,48,153,67 times of course,” the source beams, while torturing a puppy, “which is exactly the day in February when the changes to the bill will come into affect.”

WHO YOU GONNA CALL : LCD Views has the scoop today with a leaked transcript of the speech Prime Minister Boris Johnson will make to the country later today.

The speech, named “Plan R+B”, is thought to be a last ditch attempt to paint the bungled response to the Covid-19 pandemic as a roaring success of British ingenuity and pluck. We produce it in full below. Good luck.

“It’s with a heavy heart I, your sometime prime minister, inform you, the good and patriotic people of this blessed isle, that we are the last survivors of Covid-19 on Earth. Potentially even in the universe.

It maybe that in time we will discover other British people, blessed with Blitz spirit as an inalienable birth right, have survived the plague that wiped out the rest of mankind, in some dark corner of the globe. In fact I expect that is so, unless of course they married foreigners and had their pulse weakened by such a lack of forethought.

But the time to explore the globe for these extraordinary examples of British pluck and perseverance is not now. As such I am ordering all borders closed from this moment. No one is to even try and get across the Channel to France. There’s no point. There’s no one there anymore. It is a shame that our distant cousins had such poor leadership in this crisis, or they may have also survived.

We have before us now many tasks, not least the repopulation of the planet.

Domestically we firstly have to reintroduce the feudal class system. Thankfully the EU Withdrawal Bill gives myself the right to do so. Look forward with a heavy heart to this sunlit upland. You, the people of the Ark. Your field work will be valued not in devalued currency, but by the sweat on your brow and the satisfaction of a hard day’s graft.

As for myself I will continue to sire offspring and you can be reassured that in time I will truly be the nation’s father.

Britain needs your unbreakable spirit now more than ever and I trust you will all do your utmost, regardless of which Tory MP is chosen to be your lord and master.

And take comfort in the knowledge that never again will British fish be fished by anyone that isn’t British.

We have triumphed where others have fallen. And it was take it on the chin that gave us this most unhappy of victories.”

WHO COULD IT BE NOW : Downing Street has slammed the “amateurish comms” from the WHO today after discovering an email warning about CV-19 in the “junk” folder.

The group email, which was junked due to having EU addresses in the “To:” section carried potentially lifesaving information about Covid-19.

“If they’d bothered to send us a personalised email, as befits our status as a global buccaneering powerhouse, and not some group spam involving lesser countries, perhaps we would have stood a chance,” a Downing Street official told LCD Views, “they basically kept it secret until it was too late.”

Why the WHO decided to include other European country email addresses in the To: section isn’t yet clear.

“It’s a set up,” the aide went on, “I hear they even added Junker’s gmail address just to make sure our email account decided it was spam.”

The phone call from President Xi in January, before Britain legally exited the EU, was also dismissed.

“He rang up to warn us to dial back the China conspiracy rhetoric, not to offer advice on CV-19,” the aide corrected the record, “said we could build our own nuclear power stations if we went along with Trump on the ‘China Flu’ take.”

Why the WHO would choose to discriminate against the UK was obvious to all though.

“Jealousy,” the aide shrugged, “envy. Spite. Covetousness. They see the unbridled potential of Britain, freed of the shackles of EU PPE procurement programmes, and they want to stack the deck. Very transparent.”

But critics of the government have hit back and said “We’ve seen a leaked copy of the email and it was titled ‘Busty Blondes For Boris’. There is zero chance Downing Street junked the email.”

For its part the WHO promised to shout loudly in English next pandemic, and to additionally “Give the UK advice on how to spread the virus, so we can be confident they’ll do the opposite.”

Downing Street is believed not to have noticed that direct comment and tonight Boris Johnson himself will call for a new global body dedicated to disease control. Adding it’s “about time one was set up” and he is happy to lead it so long as “the position comes with a fridge in case things get dicey”.

CLUSTERFARK : THE UK GOVERNMENT has responded today to criticisms of its PPE procurement process after imaginative revelations that it accidentally shipped 400K British blue passports to Turkey, instead of returning the 400K substandard medical gowns it bought in a hurry.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/07/all-400000-gowns-flown-from-turkey-for-nhs-fail-uk-standards

“The outcome isn’t important,” the government’s power animal, Chris Grayling, told LCD Views, “what matters is the headline on the day and how much public money gets shifted into private pockets.”

It’s rumoured the purchase of both the gowns and the accidental shipment of passports were all part of a mad scheme cooked up by a complete and total genius.

“Do you know how much it costs at the moment ferrying huge shipments back and forth? Massive. Get yourself into transport. Boom sector right now. Put the house on it. We knew the gowns were actually kid’s nurses outfits when we ordered them. We never intended to do anything but send them back. It was the headline on the day that mattered. PPE TO THE RESCUE AS JOHNSON FLIES IN GOWNS FROM TURKISH DELIGHT WORD SALAD RELYING ON SHORT ATTENTION SPANS.”

But how the blue passports ended up in Ankara is a different matter, surely?

“Not at all. Do you want to talk about the 10’s of 1000’s of deaths that could have been avoided if you weren’t governed by light weight con men? I don’t! Let’s demand our passports back! They’re symbols of our sovereignty. Outrageous!”

And the genius wheeze has a further twist.

“That bloody Starmer will probably raise the issue of the passports next week at PMQs. But we’ve a plan for how Boris Johnson can play that inswinger.”

Which is?

“Faint.”