Category: Global Britain

The newest quarantine policy was announced so late on Saturday that the government had to bring in Charlie Lines, an aid frequently used during late night sittings, which explains more than a thing or two.

Subsequently, a spokesman issued a statement outside No 10 this morning.

“The government denies short-termism and insists the new measures, whatever they are, are fully in line with long term policy. The measures will also be extended to include the whole of Europe and run until December the 31st.”

The new measures have nothing to do with trade negotiations with the EU. Let us be clear.

Asked why the PM was not making the announcement, he offered a completely feasible explanation.

“The PM is an old friend of Charlie Lines and had spent most of the night talking in the upstairs flat. He will make a statement when he comes down later today. If you’re lucky he will have made a visual representation of the new policy out of empty wine crates.”

Asked why the year end date had been chosen, he was absolutely believable.

“After the Brexit extension period ends restrictions will not be needed, as there will be no air travel to Europe anyway. We really have thought of everything.”

He went on to say, “People need to realise how serious we are about anymore of British taxpayer’s money going to the EU. That money is needed at home. We have to look after ourselves first.”

Pressed on whether this was the end of European holidays for Brits he replied, “Of course not, we are planning massive extensions at Manchester and Belfast airports. Travellers will fly to Belfast, get the train to Dublin, from where they are able to fly to anywhere in the world. It’s all part of our Northern Powerhouse agenda and may also get the DUP back on side, in time for the next election”.

We contacted the transport secretary, Grant Shapps, who denied being affected by the measures, as he was in Spain to access childcare while taking an eye test.

He further explained, “I was contacted by the PM late on Friday and informed that Helen Whateley had been moved from Health to the Department of Transport. He also told me she had to accompany me on my annual visit to the Sotogrande Yacht Show. This is huge and lasts for six months, the measures will have eased by the time we get back. And if they haven’t, we will use the parliamentary instrument called ‘Dom’s Defence’.”

LCD View’s understands, that following a recent TV interview, the Prime Minister wanted to broaden Helen’s horizons by having her travel more and was pleased to be getting her out of the country so soon.

“He had to move her from Health,” a source added, “a 12-month stint investigating herd immunity on The Serengeti will benefit her, and the entire country. Any rumours that it will have to be cancelled as she can’t get her injections in time should be discounted. We are hiding the right ministers at the right time.”

Asked what Global Britons should say to Spanish people in particular at the moment, if they bring up the new quarantine measures in the context of relative CV-19 mortality rates, the spokesman advised,

“Say it’s not me, it’s you. Then leg it. Works for Boris every time.”

LASTPARLIAMENT.COM : TORY MPS in the UK parliament voted overwhelmingly last night not to have any say in the negotiation and ratification of all the super fantastic new trade deals trade supremoes Raab and Truss are currently cooking up.

“It’s why we took back control from the EU in the first place,” one told LCD Views, “sovereignty. We won’t have UK trade policy decided in Brussels, with our input and our veto, it’s undemocratic. It’s about protecting the national interest from the bullying EU and its 700 million citizens. You remember when the little Belgian district of Wallonia refused to ratify that monster trade deal? The UK won’t stand for it. Big international players being held to ransom by small representative parliaments? What would the billionaires say? We didn’t stand for that. Now we’re free we don’t stand for anything. We’re elected representatives. We stood for that. Job for life, potentially, if you play your cards right and don’t cheese off Cummings. You know Dom? He’s the unelected bureaucrat now running the UK.”

And while it’s clear that the sovereignty and power of the elected representatives of the UK populace are only enhanced by having less to do with the country’s governance, we are still a little curious as to their real motivations.

So we dug a little deeper.

Essentially we got a newly elected Tory MP (who will remain anonymous – as we’ve invented them for the purpose of this article) hammered and demanded to know why they voted to give the executive more power, and parliament less. More so when one of the main rallying cries of the Brexiteers was to enhance the sovereignty of the UK’s parliament.

“Is this about food standards? Well that’s pretty bloody obvious. If you don’t have any standards you don’t have to worry about them. See? Just logical. Just like having less power to make laws. Less laws to worry about. It’s actually highly productive. I’m far more productive as a legislator if I’ve less to legislate on. And besides, I was only selected because I’m thick as two short planks crossbred with a packet of mince, and unswervingly dedicated to Brexit. You don’t expect me to understand anything as complex as a trade deal? Ha! You libtards make me laugh.”

But that wasn’t all. The prime driver was revealed right at the end of the session.

“Beshides…hic…wen I a…a…greed [emphasis on the greed]…to stand in the Red Wall against the com…comm…commies…hic…I was told it’s a plum job. You GET ALL SUMMER OFF ON FULL PAY. Amazshin. Soooo me old chum, if I was to vote to have a shay over trade thingies, well, it wud get in the sways of my shummer holidays! Ha! And I did not shign up for tat!”

HOW DID THIS WAD GET INTO MY PADS : THE RULING POLITICAL PARTY OF ENGLAND, The Conservative and Increasingly Un-Unionist Party, are now attempting to get ahead of the findings of a long repressed report.

“The news that Russian businessmen and women, linked to the President (for life) of Russia, have been stuffing our pockets with currency is completely astounding,” one entirely fictional MP told LCD Views, off the record.

“I mean, I knew something was amiss. My bank account started showing Roubles in it in an account I have no recollection of setting up at all. I am seriously looking into how to take the money out of all those helicopter flights and return it. I’m sure that it’s been transferred to me in error in those brown paper bags that I mistakenly deposited in that tax haven bank account. Bloody sneaky. The cheek of them!”

What the Russians will do once the money is returned isn’t clear, given they’ve already lit the fuse on the demolition of the UK by virtue of Brexit.

“The American money is okay though? Isn’t it?” The anonymous (and fictional) MP was desperate to know.

“Stuffing our pockets by accident with US neocon money is a sensible precaution in case the Russians stop donating? It’s in our constitution. Isn’t it?”

A support group is to be established for the afflicted MPs and training given to not be so careless in the future.

“I mean it’s not really on. You turn your back during a friendly tennis match, just to get some water and a towel, and when you turn back there’s a packet of cash in your pockets. It really interrupts handling of the balls.”

Handling of the balls of Tory MPs, by certain people, may also be mentioned in the long repressed Intelligence report on foreign interference.

“Good thing we got Brexit done. Otherwise we’d be in a right pickle. People pay for things they expect them delivered. Not that anyone paid me for anything. They just helped with my re-election. Which is what you expect of good patriots. Comrade. Total recall, especially when it’s time for deflection.”

OUR THICKEST HOUR : Fresh cries of bullying laid at the door of the undemocratic, tyrannical, bureaucratic, red tape producing super state across the ENGLISH Channel today – by Brexiters, as the EU announced its reaction to the Kent lorry super park.

“This just shows how unwilling they are to renegotiate the renegotiated Withdrawal Agreement,” an ERG spokesman told LCD Views, in between bashes of his forehead into a wall. “Get me an ice pack will you. I’ve got a headache coming on. I’ve no idea why.”

And the ERG wasn’t alone.

Well known hand artist and Kent MP, Mr Green, was also riled up by the lorry park decision.

“They can’t install the world’s largest box of popcorn at Calais. It’s undemocratic. I didn’t switch from supporting remain to backing Brexit purely in the hope of preserving my career. I’m far from alone in that.”

But in spite of the protests from the departing member state, the EU seems intent on the installation.

“We aim to have the lasting monument to British exceptionalism completed by the end of the summer,” an engineer working at the site confirmed.

“The box will be self-replenishing with fresh popcorn. A fleet of drones will ferry servings out to all who come to watch events across the Chanel Anglaise. And we are paying for it from funds that used to go to the regions of the UK. It’s a win-win.”

Asked what they expected to see across the Channel, the engineer grinned.

“Truckers dogging in Kent. For one. And by the way, there will be a special stand erected for the Scottish, when they get here. Also the Welsh and Northern Irish. The Cornish too, if they like. You English, you are a funny bunch. Grab some popcorn, if you can get any next year, and enjoy your liberté!”

RAMPING UP : Ahead of the 2024 General Election in England and the Disputed Territory of Wales, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has promised he will achieve a “world beating” free trade deal with the Republic of Scotland.

“While no one doubts the sincerity of Mr Johnson’s assertion, well not anyone who has had a lobotomy doubts it, achieving the deal in the time available will be problematic [to say the least],” a Downing Street source admitted.

Not least is the difficulty the Johnson administration appears to be having accepting it isn’t just negotiating with Scotland, but all of the EU, which has recently admitted its newest member, Scotland.

“Nicola Sturgeon is rumoured to have requested Michel Barnier lead the trade negotiations with England and the Disputed Territory of Wales. This is clear provocation and a sign that she does not want the talks to succeed ahead of Mr Johnson’s re-election.”

The re-election is of course certain, due to recent constituency boundary changes in England, reducing the already reduced number of constituencies from 14 to 1. The one being Mr Johnson’s constituency.

“The additional decision to outlaw all parliamentary candidates from standing for election who aren’t already elected does of course give Mr Johnson an advantage.”

And it’s not just the EU, Sturgeon and that wily old foe Barnier that Johnson has to deal with.

“He has a host of problems. Daily Covid-19 deaths are still in triple figures in England,” our electoral analyst reports, “although you are herd pressed to find the data now that the Department for Health (social care having been abandoned long ago) is headquartered in Baronet Tim Martin’s Wetherspoons.”

Additionally, the alternative government (in exile) of Keir Starmer looks likely to undermine Mr Johnson by successfully requesting the EU negotiates with it too from its temporary parliament in Catalonia.

The decision by Mr Starmer to use the years in exile to become fluent in French, German, Arabic, Spanish and Mandarin does appear to be paying dividends.

“Look, in spite of the total reliance of England on Scotland for water supplies, due to the ongoing border war with the ‘Free Welsh Militia’, or the Rhys ap Gruffydd’s (as they’re commonly known) and the imposition of electricity tariffs by Downing Street on EU energy imports (meaning the lights are rarely on, no matter who is home) Mr Johnson is confident that his battle cry of ‘They Need Us More Than We Need Them!’ will see Sturgeon buckle.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Johnson luck in the negotiations. With belief he can succeed. We are certain the German automotive sector will apply pressure to Sturgeon to give England a great deal. And yes, David Davis is still certain too.

“It would have been helpful if the Russians hadn’t allowed Dominic Cummings’ to go into exile in Siberia, after he successfully hijacked AirFarce One and had that IT intern re-programme it to fly to Moscow last year (for an eye test),” the source added, “but then you can’t have everything.”

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

And we do not welcome our new brain eating amoeba overlords at all.

A LITTLE MP TO CALL HOME : Democracy in Global Britain has never looked more secure with the news today that a grassroots campaign called ‘PR Would Be A Good Start’ has taken a leaf out of the Tory donor handbook.

“It’s actually a kickstarter,” Mr Legit told LCD Views, “but the press is reporting it as a crowdfunder. That’s inaccurate. If we’re successful in purchasing a complete Tory MP we expect to make a significant profit on the initial investment, and to reinvest accordingly. My projections are for £108m, minus costs such as brown paper bags and expensive dinners, but that’s just for starters. Even partial ownership of an MP should see us making hay. Our ultimate aim is to change electoral laws and the voting system in England. Maybe even move Westminster to Manchester for six months each year, just for the fun of it.”

And the kickstarter move hasn’t yet caused the sort of kickback one would expect from Tory MPs, in spite of the loose accusation of alleged corruption that naturally goes with it, and them.

“I don’t care who feathers my nest,” Sir Fillme Boots-Swine, told LCD Views, “I’ll lobby for the devil or the angels. The accumulation of money and the sense of power that goes with it is all that matters. And the free bubbles! Ha! You want me to lobby to have environmental regulations strengthened to protect puffins? Fine. I’ll do that just as happily as I’ll lobby say to overturn Green Belt planning laws so you can build a mega-abattoir with US food industry cash. Just give me £20,000 and I’m all yours. Well, on a hourly rate, so about half a day’s work. I’ve got some free time in the diary in September. Let’s get you booked in.”

How the initiative to buy an MP will play out isn’t yet clear, given that the malign interests that already appear to allegedly heavily sponsor MPs have much deeper pockets, but as Mr Legit says, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Cash or cheque?”

SOME VICTORIES ARE GRATER THAN OTHERS : The UK’s Home Secretary, the disgraced former Secretary for International Development, Priti ‘smirk’ Patel, is reported to be in a highly agitated and confused state today.

The reason for the distress is said to be the result of her leading the charge to end Freedom of Movement in Europe.

“It’s the usually bullying from Brussels,” an aide working closely with Patel told LCD Views, “they are refusing to acknowledge the primacy of British law over the continent. It’s rather pathetic and won’t help them one jot in their mad scramble to get a deal.”

But critics have pointed out that Mrs Patel may feel less confused if she understood the basic reality of what the UK has just ‘achieved’.

“Balderdash. Understanding reality gets in the way of the will of the people,” the addled aide retorted, “Brexit, and thus Brexiters, are happy socially distanced from reality, and have been since the start of the pandemic [of idiocy]. We’ve no intention to change now.”

And they may not change their mindsets, even as they set about dismantling the UK’s place in the 21st century, and indeed the UK.

“Freedom of movement has ended. Europe will just have to accept that, except for the thirty odd other countries that still have it. They can’t just breeze into the UK anymore. They’ll have to satisfy themselves with everywhere else in Europe. See how they like that!”

Definitely a major moment in the Brexit process which will be fully understood by the overwhelmingly majority in the fullness of time. Well, assuming they’re allowed a break in their serfdom sufficiently expansive to allow it.

Global Britons. Staying home. Definitely not just wandering over to Europe. This is what the people wanted. Middle men gobbling up their spending power as they attempt to try and do things they used to do for free.

“It’s all a storm in a teacup anyway,” the aide added, “just wait until Europe sees what we intend to do about the human rights act. The near sexual buzz Brexit MPs now feel at revelling in their engorged power to lord it over poorer Britons. Jealousy won’t be the right word for it.”

THE BORIS BOOMERANG: Aussie rules are making a comeback. No matter how hard you try to throw them away, they always return. The old euphemism for No Deal is back on the table, slathered in Vegemite and garnished with Tim Tams.

“This is fantastic news, and when I say fantastic I mean really spaffing – no, spiffing,” gibbered Boris Johnson, who these days barely even pretends to be Prime Minister. “We have always been great friends with the Austrians – no, Ostriches – no, Australians – and Aussie rules brings us closer than ever before!”

How will you achieve that closeness?

“Errm, well, yes, now the thing is, it’s a simple solution,” burbled Johnson. “I will, erm, right ho, ah yes, build a bridge between England and Australia! Modern architecture is a wonderful thing, don’t you know. Or we could create a tunnel like with France. It’s straight down of course, so gravity will do all the work.”

What are the benefits of Aussie rules Brexit?

“Yes, well, wiff waff, there are many, many, good things here,” stalled Johnson. “Vegemite, of course. Yes. Those lovely Tim Tams, you can’t get them here, what a great deal! And Steve Smith. Yes! We’re all on the same side now! Steve Smith will have to play for England, and we will win the Ashes every year! Huzzah!”

What do the Australians think of this?

“Put it this way,” Johnson said, suddenly serious. “The Aussies are basically the English criminal class who were sent to the outback to teach them a good hard lesson. I think they have probably served their time, and should be jolly grateful that we only deported them and built them crude shacks to live in, instead of making them sleep on the beaches. It was a hostel environment!”

The country is being burned as we speak. England is being cremated, and the ashes will be sent to Australia.

DROWNING NOT WAVING : THE PRIDE OF A COUNTRY is often thought to exist intangibly in its national symbols, which explains why Great Britain has so very many symbols.

“But none are more symbolic than the flag,” our Flag Fetish expert reveals today, “and the Union Jack is recognised internationally as the most potent symbol that there is.”

And it seems the famous old flag is carrying more weight in the 21st century, as the UK, freed of the shackles of oompf to be found in membership of a multi-national group of democracies numbering over a half a billion people, makes its way once more alone on the world stage.

“Everyone knows what the Union Jack means,” our expert continues, “which is why we can be so proud of the new international consensus over its meaning.”

This new consensus appears to be a revolution in the way countries signal distress to the world.

“It was pretty old fashioned to have to physically turn a flag upside down to say you’re in trouble,” our expert explains, “when you consider the sheer number of flags in a country? Having teams of civil servants, or territorials, run about the place turning every flag upside down? It’s incredibly inefficient. Well, now Global Britons are freed of that tiresome chore.”

This is because it has been agreed overnight that the Union Jack is now the international symbol of distress, whether its upside down or back to front or balancing on a corner.

“The message is clear and made more crystal with each passing day that Dominic Cummings runs the country,” our expert finishes, “if you see a Union Jack, you know the person flying it needs help.”