Category: Global Britain

HOOK LINE AND STINKER : Everyone knows that technology lessons can give you an advantage in the competitive modern workplace, and why should fishermen be any different?

As concern grows for the future of the United Kingdom’s remaining fishermen, post Brexit, the government is keen to offer them two pence of advice.

“I have to correct you there, it’s just two pence,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “but once the fishermen have stopped moaning about not being able to fish and enrolled at a Nightingale Tech School they’ll be rolling in both pounds and pence.”

And the new Nightingale Tech Schools are opening at inland locations across England.

“We all know what technology lessons did for the career of the prime minister,” the aide continues, “he was just a lowly mayor when he decided to hire an American girl with a pole to teach him how to turn himself off and on again. And look at him now! Most fishermen already have poles. They’re halfway there.”

But not everyone may want to retrain in cyber.

“That’s why we’ve opened Nightingale Ballerina Schools too. Given the French will let artists into France for 90 days visa free, I’d say the canny fishermen will be retraining as ballerinas and then sailing themselves into French waters without all the hassle and red tape faced by a continental attempting the trip in reverse.”

And while that fishermen turned cyber whizz is waiting for their first job as a ballerina in France they will have all the skills needed to sail the Hogg seas of cyber.

“The government employs thousands of catfish already to help promote its policy platform across social media. Retrain in cyber today and you won’t have to tell stories of the ones that got away, once you set yourself up with a few Union Jack flags and a love of veterans and animals on Twitter!”

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED QUARTERS: Or, let’s stick together. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has this message for the nation: Just because we have alienated at least half of the population, it’s no reason not to be friends.

“I want to build bridges between, erm, wiff waff, erm, reasonable people and, erm, caveat emptor, erm, lefty activist metropolitan elite scum!” said Johnson shiftily. “My record of building bridges is second to none!”

Johnson threw his considerable weight behind the Garden Bridge in London. The bridge was never built, but not before many millions had been spaffed up the wall on it.

“It was overpriced, and, in all probability, would have been under-engineered,” claimed disgruntled ex-aide Geri Bildt. “His considerable weight would have snapped it in two. It nearly snapped me in two on a number of occasions,” she reminisced, shuddering slightly.

Among Johnson’s other conquests is the sea bridge between Ireland and Scotland. This would cost around £20bn and cross a large munitions dump. Expensive and explosive? This sounds like another job for Dido Harding.

“Would you drive over a long bridge, exposed to the elements, and liable to blow up at a moment’s notice?” asked Bildt, rhetorically. “It’s an excellent Brexit metaphor, I’ll give it that.”

Then there is the English Channel crossing. That’s another Johnson idea which will never get off the ground.

“I have all the bridges, all the best bridges!” countered Johnson, in a passable imitation of his spiritual twin, Donald Trump. “I, er, we, er, Britain, er, yes, Britain has the capacity, yes, the capacity, to build the bestest and bigliest bridges! And I will do the same for the warring plebs! We may have been chained to a rock by the EU, but no more, I say! And like Prometheus, our liver will grow back, better than ever, in Global Britain!”

Johnson also intimated that he was interested in a project to dig a tunnel from a British beach all the way to Australia.

VIRAL GOLD STANDARD : FANTASTIC NEWS FOR MATT HANCOCK TODAY AS THE WORLD BEATING UK TIER SYSTEM HAS WON A GONG.

The success for the Tier system is a first, as previously it had seemed useless at anything much at all, except slowing the spread of CV-19 to politically sustainable levels.

“That’s because of how slow we react to the viral spread,” a source unreliably claiming to work with Hancock told LCD Views, “not to do with inherent flaws in the Tier system. It’s designed to give the public the impression that we have Covid-19 under control, when clearly we don’t. But most are buying it hook, like and sinker, so on PR terms, it’s definitely holding its own.”

The actual award has been given by the little known Guild of Viruses.

“The Guild of Viruses also include bacterial representatives. They’ve been awarding trophies for horrific responses to diseases since the 14th century. But this is the first time the Tier system has been up for a prize. We’re very proud.”

The most noticeable facet of the Tier system is the thing that catches the eye of critics, and the Guild’s eye too.

“It’s an incredibly aspirational system. Any area of England can start in Tier 1 but rapidly progress through all the levels to Tier 4. It’s exceptionally impressive. And it puts paid to the efforts of those excitable countries that just decided to eliminate Covid-19 early this year. Completely useless countries for PPE contracts. And full of old people! Just cluttering up the housing market. No. We will stick with Tiers until the entire country is in tears.”

GILL ME STRENGTH : DOWNING STREET HAS ISSUED A DIRECT COMMAND TO ALL PATRIOTS TODAY, AND THAT MEAN’S YOU.

“All Global Britons, of able body, and sane mind, are ordered to head to the British coast,” the edict reads, “and begin training individual British fish in hand to fin combat.”

The instruction is believed to have been issued in order to make British fish ready for the post Brexit reality slamming into the UK like a comet on Jan 1st 2021.

“This is the hour of need for British fish and everyone must step up to the plate.”

It’s not clear at this stage if chips and tartar sauce will be on the plate.

But what is clear is the threat faced by British fish, who are all at constant risk of being caught and eaten by someone who isn’t British. Even if most of the fish caught by British fishermen are not eaten by Brits. That is neither here nor there in the hour of need of British fish.

“In time, with dedication and commitment from the land based warrior race that is Britons, British fish will be able to fend for themselves. But for now they need you.”

What martial art each Briton should train its chosen fish in isn’t stipulated, but it’s heavily suggested that Ecky Thump is the go to art. This will be a significant boost for the British armament industry, in particular the black pudding manufacturers.

“Britain is a serious country for serious people and your leaders are serious.”

It is hoped in time specially adapted marine Spitfires will be produced and the fish can form squadrons of flying fish to take the fight to the forrins.

“Britain’s fish need you! Do your part! Don’t be sat there with an empty plate while a foreigner dines in your plaice.”

THE GREATEST SALESMAN ON EARTH : WORLD BEATING snake oil salesman, and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson has kicked off the traditional Boxing Day sales in central London.

While most global Britons were still sleeping off the turkey cocktails and rubbing bellies filled to bursting with roast champagne yesterday, ever restless Mr Johnson was hard at work.

“That’s because he hasn’t gone to bed yet,” an aide to the Clark Kent of international retail told LCD Views, “he had a whole crate of Chateaux Margaux 1996 to work through. There’s no going to bed until the job is done.”

And the job on Boxing Day is to open one of the newest, most vigorous political outlets.

“He brought the first English franchise of Four Seasons Total Landscaping off Donald Trump earlier this month and there’s no better place to situate the outlet than 10 Downing Street.”

What will be sold by the hucksters of international feudalism is eye catching indeed.

“He’s kicked off with some impressive giveaways. He’s given Gibraltar back to the Spanish and NI to Ireland. Norway is said to be interested in Yorkshire, out of a sentimental attachment that reaches back to the early Middle Ages and it’s likely he’ll give the entirety of Scotland away as soon as sales flag later next year.”

But the opening of the outlet at 10 Downing Street isn’t the only change coming to the famous postcode.

“There are plans to convert No 11 Downing Street into a crematorium for the country’s finances, or a dildo shop to reflect the flexibility of the creative economics that goes on inside there. It’s just a matter of deciding which.”

LESS USEFUL THAN A POSTCARD : GREAT NEWS TODAY THAT DOWNING STREET HAS FOUND A WAY TO MEND BRIDGES THAT MAY HAVE BEEN DAMAGED BY THE LORRY QUEUE IN KENT.

Later this evening Boris Johnson is to dress up as a lorry driver and visit the 1000’s of stranded EU27 truck drivers. Whether or not Carrie or Dylan will accompany him isn’t yet clear. But either way it promises to be a heartwarming occasion.

“But that’s not all,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “he’ll be bringing each one of them a gift. A token of our appreciation for their choice to stay in Kent this festive period.”

The token will be a replica British Blue Passport which they can take home to remember their working holiday this side of the Channel.

“It will certainly bring a smile to their faces to meet the actual Prime Minister of the United Kingdom,” the source continues, “essentially Churchill reborn. But to add to the charm offensive, the replica passports will find a home in every fireplace, no matter which EU27 country the driver eventually returns to.”

It was initially thought the best way to say thank you, you’re welcome, would have been to rapidly roll out mass testing to convince EU authorities that the drivers wouldn’t be bringing home the new mutant Covid we’ve bred especially in the UK.

“That idea was abandoned because most friends of serving cabinet ministers have already jetted off to the private islands they bought with the proceeds of PPE contracts. So who the hell would you gift the contract to? Hence the passports.”

The only potential snag in the plan is a little trouble getting the replica passports to Kent in time.

“They’re being manufactured in Poland by the same French company that makes the real passports. But the trucks that would bring them to the UK are currently stuck in Kent.”

BY BREXIT’S WORKS WILL WE BE KNOWN : THE STAR STUDDED PERFORMANCE OF THE UK since 2016 has really caught the attention of everyone on Earth.

But now as the lorry queues grow at British ports even the astronauts orbiting our spinning ball of hot rock are starting to pay attention.

During the standard call back to Earth last night, astronauts aboard the ISS reported that the UK had changed.

“The unicorn has been at the centre of England for a few years,” Astronaut Buck Rodgers told LCD Views exclusively, “and there’s been an even bigger elephant that’s normally to be found next to it. Although that was missing last night? We’re presuming somebody ate it. The whale is always off the coast somewhere. That’s because every night John Redwood sings to it. But there’s a new wonder to be seen from the heavens now.”

And the new wonder of modern Britannia is the ever growing queue of trucks backed up behind Dover.

“It’s impressive. We normally look out for the Great Wall of China, but I can tell you the Kent lorry queue is even bigger. I’m blown away. It takes some serious effort to take a JIT RORO based economy and completely shaft it like this. Amazing leadership.”

Speaking for the government, Dominic Raab, was having none of it.

“This just shows the importance of being a free and independent, sovereign country,” he told LCD Views, “the fact that an international terror group like ISS are targeting the UK from Space, shows the transition period can’t end soon enough.”

RAMPED UP BLAME GAMING : THE UK IS WAITING WITH BAITED BREATH TODAY TO SEE WHICH OF THE LEGENDARY PARLIAMENTARIANS WHO SERVE AS JOHNSON’S RUBBER STAMPS WILL STEP FORTH TO TAKE ON THE UNICEF FOOD CRISIS.

As MPs attended slap up Christmas dinners at their private clubs the global charity signalled Brexit Boris’s UK’s arrival as a global superpower in the ranks of the needy.

But while some unsupportive critics would blame the 10 years of Tory rule for the shameful state of affairs, more fluid thinkers know exactly who is the cause of the hungry bellies.

“It’s clearly the last Labour government,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “there’s a direct line between them and Unicef.”

And it’s fair to say that if Gordon Brown hand’t lost that GE all those centuries ago now there would most likely not be a hunger crisis in the United Kingdom today.

“And what’s more, you can see what the last Labour government will do next if you look forward,” the source points out.

“We’re rapidly regressing the country back to the 19th century in as many areas as we can,” the source explains, “so if you look forward you enter the late 1990’s, policy wise, and that’s the work of a Labour government. Then moving forward you enter the food crisis twenty or so years later.”

Now we have settled on who to blame, the major function of this government, we just need to wait and see which plucky little party loyalist will call Labour out for starving our kids!

ALL BY OURSELVES : THE UK GOVERNMENT has confirmed today it is not seeking to involve British school leavers in the European Erasmus exchange programme after the end of the Brexit transition period.

The move, described as “so far sighted it’s gone around the world and is looking into its own backside” by supporters has been taken over concerns about ideological impurity seeping into British thought from across the Channel.

The primary worry appears to be the fact that numerous European universities seek to teach university students that WW2 ended three quarters of a century ago, and having learned the horrible lessons of that terrible conflict, Europe now seeks to work together to avoid a repetition of past horror.

“That’s not Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we stand alone against Europe once again! The war isn’t over, it was just resting.”

The sensible decision will build on the history curriculum taught in state schools which is focused entirely on WW2 from an increasingly distilled English perspective, with the occasional break to learn about WW1.

“It’s not much point obsessing over the conflict for twelve years in school, to keep the Blitz spirit alive, and have the patriotic British young ready to live through it all over again, if you then go and ship them off to Europe. Worse still, they may even pick up some ghastly inferior European tongue.”

Of course travel to university to study will still be available for very wealthy British children, but most will have been to Eton and by then “the damage is already done.”