Category: Global Britain

RUN RUN THE SKY IS FALLING IN : Julius Caesar famously chose the winter of 55 BC to invade ancient Britain after consulting an oracle who said, chicken guts at her feet, “when the sky white is the people painted know no delight in transportation or flight”.

We know what happened after that, as Caesar recorded his exploits on an ancient Etch A Sketch that he carried everywhere.

It has been easy for historians to decipher the pictograms of ancient Britons baffled to immobility by snow, their chariots piled together, their swords stuck in their sheaths, the druids scratching their heads and tasting snowflakes. While unnoticed Caesar’s legions surrounded the haplessly snowed in Celts.

And so it has been for the past two millennia.

The Angles, Jutes, Saxons and Vikings arrived in successive waves like blizzards, but only when the people of Great Britannia were immobilised by a dusting of powder.

1066 may have had a different result if it had not been snowing heavily on the paths and rough roads Harold One Eye had needed to traverse to face the Norman army of Norman Williamson.

So too the 19th century invasion of the Sax-Coburg empire who seized the thrones of England, Scotland and Wales, never to let go.

Even today their descendants like no better sport than waiting for it to snow before rushing out into the inevitable gridlocks so they can taunt stuck lorry drivers and small traders by asking “And what do you do?”

With all this being true no one expected today. The snow. And the aftermath. Because nothing is the aftermath. The snow falls but all that is happening is people breaking out forgotten sleds and children pelting one another with snowballs.

Neighbours emerging to stand socially distanced on the white pavements of the United Kingdom, blink at each other and enquire “And who are you again?”

And the traffic hasn’t halted in frustrated and vulnerable masses of metal doom, because the trade has already ceased.

And what power could it be that has rendered the snow god obsolete?

Why Brexit of course, and Covid-19 under the management of Boris Johnson and his cabinet of loyal halfwits.

The snow will have to try a little harder from now on to disrupt and cause to cease the life and commerce of old Britannia, because Boris Johnson is way, way ahead of it.

TAKE THAT BIDEN : UNITED KINGDOM PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has played it cool this week as the international incident regarding the bust of Winston Churchill has raged back and forth across The Atlantic.

What happens to the bust of the famous British prime minister is widely viewed around the world as a key indicator to the strength of the special relationship. And this week it has gone missing from the Oval Office.

While it’s likely that the bust has merely been removed to have it melted down and recast, the only way to ensure Trump’s grubby little, viral loaded fingerprints are cleaned off it, some suspect a more devious motive.

“They want to use the location of the bust as leverage in the US-UK trade talks,” a 10 Downing Street genius told LCD Views. “But we will not buckle. We’re working up a plan to hit back.”

And hit back Downing Street will, with both hands.

“Boris Johnson is said to be in favour of placing a bust of George Washington in 10 Downing Street. It’s taken some time to convince him. He misheard George as Georgina initially, and couldn’t stop giggling. But he’s on top of the detail now.”

Once the bust has been installed and widely photographed it will mysteriously vanish.

“Once the bust is gone we’ll be asking top US reporters to the Downing Street press briefings and just wait for them to ask about it. And not our world beating pandemic death rate. We’re focused on what’s important.”

That’s because we’re Global Britain and everyone needs to notice.

BUST OF BRITAIN : World famous diplomat, and part-time British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson has lobbed a sweetener across the pond to new US President Joe Biden.

It’s tradition for heads of state to send gifts to their contemporaries when new hands grip the tiller, and Global Britain is no laggard in this area.

“We were considering sending a representative of the royal family over, as a kind of prisoner. But Prince Andrew was the only one with time in his diary and he is curiously adverse to international travel. So we decided on something in brass.”

The something is a bust of the current British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“Of course it should have been Rupert Murdoch, for accuracy, but he wouldn’t allow it.”

And while the bronze has been cast in record time, it’s understood there were some heated debates over the design.

“In the end they settled on the standard bust, as popularised by bra-less Roman leaders in the distant past. But that is said to have caused quite the stink indoors, as Carrie Symonds is rumoured to be livid it wasn’t a double of her and Johnson.”

It’s also believed Dominic Cummings wanted the bust to be a triplicate design, with himself also featured. He apparently has a warehouse full of them at the ready.

“As the Biden administration is new and doesn’t have the depth of experience present in Downing Street, we thought it best not to confuse matters.”

And there’s a lot of brass involved too.

“The majority of the bust is comprised of butter and would ideally be refrigerated. Except for the neck. No messing with the alloy there. Boris Johnson’s brass neck is rendered faithfully. And if you look closely you can all the funny things he’s said about ethnic minorities etched in. A charming little extra.”

The bust of Boris is expected to be in the Oval Office before the close of business today, with a note instructing the new tenant on Pennsylvania Avenue to sit it right next to Winston Churchill.

AT FIRST IT WAS JUST BUNTING : TEMPORARY UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON will be MIA for a week after unconfirmed and fabricated rumours say he has booked himself into The Priory.

The Priory is a famous addiction treatment centre and is not unaccustomed to patronage from the high and mighty.

“Mr Johnson will be undergoing treatment for a spiralling addiction to national symbols,” someone claiming to work at the centre told LCD Views, “the compulsive use of the Union Jack is believed to be of particular concern. He is essentially unable to function now without a giant hit.”

It’s understood Mr Johnson has a long history of misuse of the Union Jack, but initially it was just bunting and small hand held flags. But now the use is habitual and he would be called colloquially a “junky”.

What form the treatment will take isn’t clear, but rather shrouded in secrecy.

Some suggest he will be locked into a small room on one of the upper floors with just a bucket for waste and a selection of tinned foods. The door being nailed shut from the outside.

“We expect Mr Johnson will make a full recovery, but there are no guarantees. An addiction as deep as his, while initially a cry for help, has moved now to a pathological deepness that would likely require a full frontal lobotomy to cure. And that has already been attempted.”

The team at LCD Views wish Mr Johnson a speedy recovery, as it’s hard to conceive of the UK’s current trajectory continuing without him. Additionally, it is obvious his poor example is now influencing the other children in his cabinet into compulsive use of Union Jacks, and that’s not good for anybody.

WE’RE NUMBER ONE AGAIN : THE UNITED KINGDOM is ready to set off the fireworks and party this evening as it regains a coveted number one spot in global rankings.

“We’re not talking about the pandemic death stats here,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “We don’t like to talk about that. We’re talking about governance.”

And governance, or the lack of it, is the criteria and we are the WINNERS!

“The Union Jack flags will be raised in the living rooms and toilets of all Conservative MPs just before 7pm, and which a mass Zoom salute will be held as we take back our crown.”

The reason for the leap back to the top is the reclaiming of the mantle of “World’s Leading Idiocracy”, first clenched by the UK when it decided to Brexit.

“We didn’t get to hold onto the title for long back in 2016, as the USA elected Donald Trump only a few months later and took an unassailable lead. But now with the inauguration of Biden/Harris there is no one to get in our way.”

Many countries can claim to be Idiocracies. Many are poorly governed.

“But none have the natural, geographical, historical, diplomatic, financial, cultural and inherited advantages that we have chosen to throw away in the hope of becoming the world’s greatest financial laundromat.”

A mass slap will be held at 8pm tonight to celebrate. Get ready to hit yourself across the face, and afterwards, just keep on hitting as we take the title back!

WAVE YOUR WILLY JACK PROUDLY : WHILE many areas of the British economy are suffering from the “teething problems” of Brexit, one area of traditional Chinese manufacturing for export into the UK market is only seeing an upturn.

“The fetish for British politicians to wave the Union Jack has become a full blown psychosis,” our patriotism correspondent reports proudly. “What better retreat is there mentally? We’re in a self-created, national crisis. Both main English political parties pushed it into being. Both voted for it as collectives. Flag waving will now fix it! Everyone is at it!”

To assist MPs in leading the way it believed the Prime Minister is considering placing an order with famous patriot Nigel Farage’s tailor for 650 Union Jack suits.

But while MPs have their flags (and often suits) gifted to them, or can claim them on expenses, not everyone is so instinctively patriotic.

“The Chancellor is being urged to slash VAT off Union Jack flags so that the whole country can get involved. And further measures, such as legislation to force everyone with a front garden to install a pole, are being considered.”

There is no problem a simple bit of flag shagging can’t fix. You have to appeal to people’s core strengths when you deliberately engineer a national crisis in the service of disaster capitalism.

And the move to slash VAT off Union Jacks will not leave a hole in the exchequer.

“The VAT on the flags the Scots and Welsh like to wave about will be going up by at least 10,000%. Oh, and the Cornish one. That too. Just to be on the safe side.”

A SHOT IN THE ARM: Vaccine tsar Nadhim Zahawi is planning to open a one stop shop for covid vaccinations. For the convenience of everyone, well everyone who matters, this will be handily located on Ascension Island.

For extra convenience, the ferries taking eager patients to the new centre will sail from Martin’s Haven, in deepest Pembrokeshire. Underling Tess Coexpress was sent out to explain the details of this imaginative scheme.

“I know Cornwall is closer to the South Atlantic than South Wales,” began Coexpress, fending off the obvious question. “But there is plenty of activity in the smugglers’ coves at present, and we did not wish to interfere with a little black market enterprise in the current climate.”

So why choose a location that is inconvenient even for the locals?

“It’s very isolation is key,” dissembled Coexpress. “We are only thinking of keeping everybody safe!”

Has there been much take-up for the scheme yet?

“The early signs are very encouraging,” said Coexpress. “Nobody has called us ‘a bunch of useless f@#*ing incompetent f@#*ing c&$ts’ on social media yet.”

LCD Views’ Distinct Aroma Of Rat correspondent decided to do a bit of digging. His research threw up three main points. First, Priti Patel has decreed that it will be a one-way trip for “quarantine reasons”. Secondly, the ferries have been organised by the FerryMaster himself, Chris Grayling. Finally, the trip (excluding the cost of the vaccine and VAT) will cost in the region of £25,845.

Those wealthy (and/or daft) enough to access the scheme will be formally deported by Patel, then thrown into the back of a wagon, called the Covid Express. On arrival at Martin’s Haven, many many hours and wrong turns later, the fortunate vaccinees will be taken off the wagon to wait for the ferry. It will be a long wait, since Grayling will not have booked a ferry, although he will have bought pizza for everyone. Stripped of citizenship and rights, nobody knows what will happen to the lucky winners.

But the money raised will go straight into Tory donors’ pockets.

HOOK LINE AND STINKER : Everyone knows that technology lessons can give you an advantage in the competitive modern workplace, and why should fishermen be any different?

As concern grows for the future of the United Kingdom’s remaining fishermen, post Brexit, the government is keen to offer them two pence of advice.

“I have to correct you there, it’s just two pence,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “but once the fishermen have stopped moaning about not being able to fish and enrolled at a Nightingale Tech School they’ll be rolling in both pounds and pence.”

And the new Nightingale Tech Schools are opening at inland locations across England.

“We all know what technology lessons did for the career of the prime minister,” the aide continues, “he was just a lowly mayor when he decided to hire an American girl with a pole to teach him how to turn himself off and on again. And look at him now! Most fishermen already have poles. They’re halfway there.”

But not everyone may want to retrain in cyber.

“That’s why we’ve opened Nightingale Ballerina Schools too. Given the French will let artists into France for 90 days visa free, I’d say the canny fishermen will be retraining as ballerinas and then sailing themselves into French waters without all the hassle and red tape faced by a continental attempting the trip in reverse.”

And while that fishermen turned cyber whizz is waiting for their first job as a ballerina in France they will have all the skills needed to sail the Hogg seas of cyber.

“The government employs thousands of catfish already to help promote its policy platform across social media. Retrain in cyber today and you won’t have to tell stories of the ones that got away, once you set yourself up with a few Union Jack flags and a love of veterans and animals on Twitter!”

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED QUARTERS: Or, let’s stick together. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has this message for the nation: Just because we have alienated at least half of the population, it’s no reason not to be friends.

“I want to build bridges between, erm, wiff waff, erm, reasonable people and, erm, caveat emptor, erm, lefty activist metropolitan elite scum!” said Johnson shiftily. “My record of building bridges is second to none!”

Johnson threw his considerable weight behind the Garden Bridge in London. The bridge was never built, but not before many millions had been spaffed up the wall on it.

“It was overpriced, and, in all probability, would have been under-engineered,” claimed disgruntled ex-aide Geri Bildt. “His considerable weight would have snapped it in two. It nearly snapped me in two on a number of occasions,” she reminisced, shuddering slightly.

Among Johnson’s other conquests is the sea bridge between Ireland and Scotland. This would cost around £20bn and cross a large munitions dump. Expensive and explosive? This sounds like another job for Dido Harding.

“Would you drive over a long bridge, exposed to the elements, and liable to blow up at a moment’s notice?” asked Bildt, rhetorically. “It’s an excellent Brexit metaphor, I’ll give it that.”

Then there is the English Channel crossing. That’s another Johnson idea which will never get off the ground.

“I have all the bridges, all the best bridges!” countered Johnson, in a passable imitation of his spiritual twin, Donald Trump. “I, er, we, er, Britain, er, yes, Britain has the capacity, yes, the capacity, to build the bestest and bigliest bridges! And I will do the same for the warring plebs! We may have been chained to a rock by the EU, but no more, I say! And like Prometheus, our liver will grow back, better than ever, in Global Britain!”

Johnson also intimated that he was interested in a project to dig a tunnel from a British beach all the way to Australia.