Category: Global Britain

WHAT’S GOT INTO EU : 10 Downing Street is in lockdown mode today and not because serial screw-up Boris Johnson has been caught screwing around.

The reason for the tense and barricaded state is rumoured to be the receipt of an audio file of Joe Biden talking in private about Boris Johnson and Brexit, with Von Der Leyen and others.

“Someone says U.K. trade deal, we’re not sure who, they sounded French. Biden says pork products and chuckles. Then another voice, American we think, or perhaps a European who learnt English at an American school, says Global Britain and cheese. More laughter, louder this time. Next someone throws in ‘We’re gonna build a wall and Brussels is gonna pay for it’ and they’re off. The rest of the file is just people laughing and the file is an hour long. The only time they stop laughing is when Boris Johnson actually attempts to phone up. Biden says it’s the tenth time that day and they all sit in silence and listen to the phone, until it stops ringing.”

How Downing Street will respond isn’t yet clear, although ERG douche Andrew Bridgen has suggested he will hold his breath until he faints, as they’ll be so sorry then.

“Johnson is said to have set up a special unit to work up jokes about Biden and Barnier, but the problem appears to be that the jokes are all on Britain these days.”

We’re sure it will soon blow over, like Johnson’s combover. After all, just like the EU, the USA needs us more than we need them.

FORTRESS DOMINATRIX : The United Kingdom’s Home Secretary doesn’t like people having homes very much, especially not people who have fled war zones and other calamities.

“The only way we’re going to make Britain Great Again, now we have left the failing, protectionist, corporate interest club of the EU is to ensure we have the right people on our green and pleasant land,” an aide to the Home Secretary told LCD Views. “And as few of them as possible. This is why we had to take back control of our borders, except in pandemics, clearly.”

And the only way we will make sure we have as few people as possible in our country is if someone decides who gets to stay and who goes.

“Root and branch,” the aide clarifies. “Throw everyone out and then have someone judge who gets back in and who, after a suitable probation, gets their citizenship back. The hallowed Blue Passport!”

Priti Patel is the one for this job, clearly.

“It’s actually going to be a boom for our car industry. Just imagine how many security vans we will need to round up 68m people, minus one. That one being Priti Patel. The darling of the Tories. And well deserved too. Not many can come back from being fired for running your own foreign policy agenda! Thanks Boris! Gosh. In earlier times she would have been thrown out of politics for that.”

Clearly to gain re-admittance you’re going to need a crystal clear social media history.

“The next time you see a BoRiS bot festival on social media I advise you to jump right in at the deep end. But don’t forget to praise Priti too, as she’ll be watching you…”

LITTLE INGERLAND : The new Guvnor of the Bank of England isn’t going to take bullying by the EU laying down, he’s going to take it on like the full blooded John Bull that he is.

“The EU need to get it through their thick ‘eads that they can’t just come over to our borough and treat us like c” an aide working for the financial tough guy told LCD Views. Unfortunately the line dropped out.

It seems the EU is bullying the UK, after forcing us to leave the bloc and all it’s mutually beneficial arrangements, and we’re not going to take it. No one gets to treat the UK like a third country! Even if we demanded it.

We managed to re-establish the line and continue the call.

“I mean, have we got ‘screw me’ written across our foreheads? Yes? NO? I’m not sure. I haven’t looked in the mirror since England overwhelmingly voted to take the UK out of the EU. Can you have a look and tell me?”

It seems the decision to establish the UK as a direct competitor to the failing EU is having some consequences no one on Earth could possibly have foreseen.

“What have half a billion of the richest people on Earth got to bring to the party? Nuffink. Pricks. We’ve been insulting them for years from our highest offices of state. They should KNOW THERE PLAICE BY NOW! BUT NO. NO! NOW BAILEY IS GONNA HAV’ TO GO ROUND THERES AND GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEY’RE OWN MEDICINE.”

From there the interview contained something about sovirrentee, whatever that is, and a red faced scream at reality.

All well and good. We’ll show them.

“Andy is gonna change the name of the Bank of England to the Bank of Ingerland, then those clever dicks in Brussels will know exactly what their dealing with. Where gonna stick Union Flags on oar bank notes to. And im going too personanally tear up any filthy Euros I can get my hands on. Sea how they like that.”

That’ll do it. Global Britain. No one can stop us now. Especially not the people we’ve told to shove it.

“Little England sunshine. Get it right. Show some respect.”

TOUGH ON FISHING AND THE CAUSES OF FISHING : George Eustice is in the news a lot lately, mostly lying his arse off, as he tries to stave off the disaster his boss Boris Johnson has caused in the UK’s fishing industry. But he is not alone anymore.

No less a heavyweight than Home Secretary Priti “lock ’em up” Patel has weighed in to assist with the struggle to save the fishing fleets from the rocks of global trade.

“This is a welcome helping hand,” an aide to George “Useless” Eustice told LCD Views. “The Home Office is extending the British citizenship criteria to European fish stocks. This will help ensure only British fish are caught in British waters by British fishermen using British fishing nets cast from British fishing boats. It will mean there’s even more British fish for Britons to eat. And with that much British involved there is no reason why this isn’t an exceptional and world beating move.”

The joining forces of the Environmental Secretary and the Head of Incarcerating Desperate People Fleeing War Zones Using British Munitions Secretary will mean it is guaranteed now that the future of British fishing is secure.

“Any European fish that can’t answer basic questions about British life and culture such as ‘Who was the Archbishop of Cantebury in 1456?’ will no longer be allowed to be caught. They will be told to aboutface and swim back to France. Clearly British fish won’t be asked the same questions because bugger all will know the answer. But that’s not the point.”

MAKING A PIG’S EAR OF THINGS: We are opening up new pork markets in Global Britain, announced Trade Supremo Liz Truss today. British Farmers are producing British Pork, so therefore British People are bloody well going to eat it.

British Pork is going to waste, she reports, after normal shipments to the EU have been stymied by a plethora of paperwork. The solution is simple, declared Mastermind Liz. The UK shall go the whole hog and buy the lot.

“We happy Brits are going to pig out!” exclaimed Truss, wagging her curly tail happily. “We are bringing home the bacon! It is the patriotic duty of every loyal British Citizen to buy and eat British Pork! Get your snouts in the trough, and eat for Britain!”

The news was particularly well received by vegetarians, and other people who do not eat pork.

“This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!” spluttered vegetarian Meetal Ternative. “I’m not changing my ways just because that ridiculous old ham says so!”

Unfortunately, the porky Prime Ministerial pork sword pusher, Boris Johnson, thinks that compulsory pork consumption is an excellent idea.

“This is one in the eye for those pigheaded EU swine!” he quipped. “We are bringing home the bacon! – what what? Oh, you’ve already done that one? Ah. Erm. Splendid, splendid, good work, wiff waff, erm, yes, well, erm, excellent!”

The government will, grudgingly, pay almost market rate for the pork. Except if the farmer is a Tory donor, in which case it will spaff untold millions on a single joint of mass-produced gammon.

It will be made obligatory for every Brit to eat pork at every meal. They will gladly pay through the snout for the privilege. Bacon for breakfast, chops for lunch, gammon for dinner, pork scratchings with your evening pint once the pubs have reopened.

Have we been sold a pig in a poke? Or is this just another load of porkies?

THE FAR SIDE OF CREDIBILITY AND BEYOND : NO LESS A SUPERPOWER OF VISIONARY POSSIBILITIES than Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic “pulsating vein” Raab is rumoured to be pushing to establish a new British colony on Antarctica.

The completely fabricated rumours suggest that Raab is believed to see the possibilities of the United Kingdom becoming self-sufficient in “tropical produce like bananas, passionfruits and teas” just like “all the other countries of the Southern Hemisphere”.

It’s believed Raab got the idea for the project when looking at a FCO map of Antarctica from 1914 and finding the massive southern continent was entirely white.

“It’s a blank canvas,” Raab is rumoured to have declared. “It’s all white. There’s nothing there. We can build whatever we like. We can farm. Fish. Make skyscrapers. We need to get there before the French.”

Clearly also we can “draw whatever lines we like on that map. It will be like the 19th century, the 1920’s all over again. I’m just amazed no one has got there first. Sometimes it takes an Englishman.”

Liz Truss is also believed to support the project, with the suggestion being she sees the possibility of a fully taxpayer funded trade mission to Antarctica and a smashing series of photographs with Union Jacks and “Penguins. Polar Bears. Eskimos. Igloos. The lot!”

It’s further thought that once the garden city is up and running it will attract massive investment and create great demand for British products.

“Mr Johnson will announce a feasibility study shortly,” the source adds. “Just as soon as another corruption and lawbreaking scandal hits the cabinet.”

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE WATER : The U.K. government is adopting a tough stance against the fledgling US administration of Biden and Harris today after a world beating diplomatic snub.

A cross party foreign affairs committee has been tasked by 10 Downing Street with coming up with a suitable response after the U.K. was not allowed in to the bilateral US and EU talks conducted today.

“Dominic Raab was kept waiting on the Zoom link for hours. He even postponed his mid-morning mindfulness session for it. But he was never admitted. There’s a whiff of a set up about it all. That he was sent the link for just that purpose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s fuming. He had to have his personal physician tap some pressure out of his pulsating temple vein. There was serious risk of brain damage. And he’s suffering from more than enough of that as it is, just by virtue of being who he is.”

And while the EU maybe easy enough for Downing Street to punish, by way of the threat of a ban on mineral water, the US is a little harder to tackle.

“The cross party committee, or Atlantic Bridge as they’re known, are going to come up with several suggestions. But top of the list is a ban on MAGA hats from the US.”

Critics have been quick to point out that such a ban could quickly backfire, as the hats are only popular in the U.K. with fans of Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“That’s a risk we are prepared to accept. I’m sure once the PM explains his thinking to them in 80’s environmental cliches and pigeon Ancient Greek they’ll get behind him,” the source was confident. “After all, people in America can’t get rid of the hats fast enough now. This will really hurt Biden.”

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : The current British government is notoriously interested in the welfare of lesser nations, so known for it there are occasional murmurs of dissent from the backbenchers.

“Boris Johnson pays them no need. He was born to be world king. A benevolent autocratic ruling over a far flung and peaceful empire. And he will fulfil his destiny.”

And he has help. No less a brain of Great Britain than Liz Truss is by his side, and she is moving forward with the fulfilment of the promise of Brexit.

“Tomorrow morning Liz Truss will formally invite all Commonwealth countries to rejoin the British Empire. India is expected to be first in line with Canada and Australia jostling for second spot. All the other places no one can ever name will be in a wild scrum behind them.”

The plan to reform the Empire, based on the lines drawn on maps in the earlier part of the 20th century, is certain to be a boon for British industry.

“For far too long our colonial subjects have been denied British pork products and British cheese,” Ms Truss will say in an upbeat, but serious tone. “This is wrong. This injustice will end.”

In return for demanding our superior produce the colonies will once again be at liberty to do what they do best.

“They still offer up their sons for our imperial conflicts and give us all the minerals they possess. In return they will become civilised again. It is symbiotic in nature.”

The High Priests of Brexit will of course all be ready to help the countries come home from the wilderness.

“Hannan will be on hand to direct the children of empire where they stand in the colonial structure. Rees-mogg will supply missionaries just in case any have forgotten the wonders of transmutation and servitude to a higher tax avoidance structure. It will all be glorious.”

A spitfire fly passed is planned for midday tomorrow and a mass zoom sing-a-long of God Save the Queen at midday, which will be led by Dylin the prop dog. Get your bunting out and be ready to raise a mug of English tea.

And if you are from a distant land, just know that soon the redcoats will once again be in your towns and streets to offer you a reassuring sight of order, and the correct way to address your superiors.

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP : 10 Downing Street is the epicentre of global statecraft, this much is not a revelation, and neither is it surprising to hear the lengths the new US administration is going to go to to woo Boris Johnson.

“They’ll be stuffed without us. How will they deal with Brussels without the London link?” a 10 Downing Street source said to LCD Views this morning, in an exclusive that left Kuenssberg and Peston floundering.

And to help support the newborn government of Biden and Harris 10 Downing Street has released a photograph.

“This definitely Boris Johnson holding Joe Biden’s hand to help guide him through international statecraft. He’s new to his position. He needs a more experienced hand as he navigates a world of woke anti-intellectualism that threatens just more than statues. Although to be fair, just threatening statues is clearly enough.”

The White House itself is yet to comment on the photograph.

“They’re trying to work out how to praise the image without appearing overly subservient. They do have domestic politics to consider. We understand that.”

But sharp eyed critics on social media have suggested that the photograph looks doctored. A complaint that has been heard before regarding the work of the three taxpayer funded professional photographers employed by Boris Johnson.

“This is par for course. It’s just envy. If you check the timelines of the whiners you’ll see they claim the Moon Landings happened, the Earth is basically a ball, 9/11 wasn’t an inside job and Brexit is a disastrous foreign policy objective. I’d ignore them and the reality they claim to represent.”

The photo will be available to purchase shortly from the 10 Downing Street gift shop on t-shirts, plates, mugs and serviettes.

“This is a piece of history. British Prime Ministers have traditionally put the seal of approval onto new US presidents. There’s no reason for Johnson not to bestow the same validation on Biden. It’s not like it’s well known that he has only disdain for the current occupants of 10 Downing Street.”

THEY SEE HIM HERE THEY SEE HIM THERE : An in depth and broad ranging fabricated study on UK attitudes has revealed no one actually know who is the British Prime Minister.

While most erroneously believe Boris Johnson fulfils the role, the evidence is mounting that he does not. Not only because of the disastrous mismanagement of the Brexit process and the world beating pandemic death toll.

“Mr Johnson spends every day dressed up as a different fictional character,” the lead researcher told LCD Views, “butcher, baker, candlestick maker, he covers them all, but he’s never dressed as a prime minister. It’s clear he has no interest in that function, merely holds the title for someone else. And even when he appears in the uniform of a politician, it is evident from his hair that he has spent numerous hours in make-up beforehand. It’s just more role playing.”

The researchers did suggest though that it’s clear someone is directing operations, but it must be someone who is not exactly well disposed to the country.

“Rupert Murdoch is a likely candidate, he is unofficially the UK’s longest serving PM after all. Looking at the state of the country, perhaps Vladimir Putin?”

But when the public was asked most decided it was Dominic Cummings, still directing proceedings behind the scenes.

“We don’t believe that. We all know he is a genius and a superforecaster. For the country to be in such a rotten state and a genius behind it, directing events from the shadows while Johnson screws up a day’s work in a medical laboratory? It’s just too fanciful. There are currently too few three word slogans being produced daily, for a start.”