Category: Global Britain

ALL TRUSSED UP AND GOOD TO GO : Liz Truss sometimes seems a lonely figure, endlessly travelling the world looking to make some friends, but the PM has made a move today to demonstrate she is not alone.

Prior to her trip to North Korea next week to open trade talks with a “likeminded, Pacific nation neighbour” Boris Johnson has had a bust of the North Korean leader made and placed on his desk.

“It was Dominic Raab’s idea,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He knows how to charm pretty much anyone. That’s what he thinks. As he pays zero attention to any but himself he’s further convinced he’s very good at it.”

The placing of the despot’s bust on the PM’s desk is also seen as a warning shot across the bows of the new US administration.

“Biden doesn’t want to play ball? Well, let’s see how he likes a bust of Kim Jong-un in the background of staged photos of Johnson hard at work in Downing Street. They have to be staged, because he never is.”

Some have suggested though that the bust won’t necessarily help curry favour with the North Korean leader and will be seen as a sign of weakness on the part of the PM.

“That’s nonsense. We’re well on the way to adopting their policies on public protest and free speech. Kim Jong-un will be flattered. Birds of a feather and all that.”

If Liz Truss is successful in her mission to secure a FTA with North Korea it will also silence critics at home over the Johnson regimes loose handling of the public finances.

“Everyone is just lazily assuming we’re buying our extra nukes from the Americans. Pretty ignorant. It’s hardly likely they’ll sell Britain’s Trump additional power of mass destruction! But thanks to Kim Jong-un once having lunch with Matt Hancock back in the early 2000’s, U.K. Gov received a WhatsApp from North Korea inviting us to buy additional thermonuclear PPE on the cheap!”

BIG BOYS TOYS : The UK’s loaded weapon, Boris Johnson, is in the mood to go shopping. Not for food banks obviously, but for an even greater deterrent to living in the new world he is creating.

The particular item on the shopping list has the potential to degrade life even faster than the policies he and his party have helped bring in since 2010. He’s shopping for more nukes.

“Clearly we don’t have enough of them,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Look at all the attention North Korea has been getting just on the fear of a rogue state maybe possessing one? Imagine the world’s newest rogue nation with hundreds? Everyone will want to talk to us. It’s genius.”

Not being ignored by the other kids in the playground does seem to be the driving motivation. We’ve left the world’s largest trading bloc, and all the promises of a glorious new future now relies on what we can do alone. So we better do something potentially explosive.

“It’s about preparing the U.K. for the maddest of futures. If you don’t like us and what we’re doing look at our nuclear arsenal. Now you’re going to have to talk to us.”

It is clearly a way to also fulfil what appears to be Johnson’s primary directive as prime minister. Spending every last penny of the public purse on things that give his empty, maggot infested inner life a moment of passing pleasure. Nukes aren’t cheap. Much more expensive than nurses.

But there must be a deeper logic? Why do we need hundreds of them when just one has as much destructive power as Brexit?

“Anyone who has been paying attention knows we need to increase our stockpile by 40%,” the source explains. “Last time we got involved in a nuclear war we didn’t have anywhere near enough of them. It makes perfect sense.”

We send £350m a week to the EU, let’s leave and buy nuclear weapons instead. The famous bus has had another update.

“He’s not forgotten the NHS in all this,” the source adds. “A cartoon drawing of a nurse will be painted on every warhead.”

Boris Johnson’s U.K. isn’t MAD, it’s crazy. Money well spent.

SLAVISH DEVOTION : The government has announced a raft of new measures to protect the necrotising vision of our past as set down in stone and brass.

The new, Statue Self Defence Bill, will allow £350m to be earmarked for the self defence training of British statues. The measure comes as a result of vague threats made to the various inanimate objects dotted about the country, and concern for the emotional wellbeing of the statues. There is no mention in the bill of anything credible to protect actual people.

“We can’t have more slavers thrown into rivers,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “We’re proud of our history, warts and all, which is why we prefer it is taught without the warts. Especially the really giant infected ones.”

The contract for the self defence training is believed to have already been gifted to a friend of a Tory minister, after a high level meeting in a distant hotel room.

Additional funds will also be set aside for the mass production of miniatures of all statues from our nation’s solely glorious past.

“Each home should have a Colston on its mantelpiece,” the source advises. “Get to know your imperial worthies so you instinctively feel protective of the larger ones found in public spaces.”

The first statue to undergo the training will be Winston Churchill.

“He’s been identified as most at risk by assault by women with flowers,” the source adds. “We aim to have him at black belt grade by the weekend. This way if police are too busy ripping the face masks off women after kettling them, solely to protect them from the plague, Winston will be able to chop, block and kick his way to safety from his immortal plinth.”

PATRIOTISM IS GROWING : The Tory MP for Bulb-phor-Brain Baron Filchpurse has hit back at unpatriotic reports that the great freedom enterprise of Brexit led to the waste of millions of daffodil flowers.

“Anyone blaming Brexit can safely be ignored as an enemy of the people,” he told a meeting of Patriotic Conservative Growers and Dealers. “We all know that to grow any flower successfully in the spectrum of British sunlight requires the colours of the Union Jack.”

He went on to explain that had the hapless floriculturists simply bothered to take the time “to plant red, white and blue daffodils, planted to mirror the Union Jack” the harvest would have been full of “Brexit triumph. And basically blessed by God. Who is still an Englishman. You can ignore reports he has taken German citizenship.”

What the farmers will make of his comments isn’t yet clear, but many are believed to erroneously blame Britain’s headlong crash out of the Brexit gate, during a global pandemic, is the cause.

“There’s plenty of unemployed laying about our towns and cities,” the Baron continued. “Children. Children need to find work young in Brexitannia and contribute to making a success of the project. Perhaps school one day a week for the poor and good, old fashioned, solid field graft for the rest? Make men of the boys. Get those flowers harvested!”

And the Tory MP isn’t alone in his criticism of farmers, no less than five village idiots have raised their voices in support.

“I’m a little disappointed in the British idiots if I’m honest,” he told LCD Views. “I expected every single one of them to come out in support.”

But all is not lost.

“Next year the farmers will have an opportunity to grow daffodils. I suggest the pick the packers with the Union Jacks on them. Those will be the best.”

BRITISH HOT AIR POWERED : News today of British wind filling the sails of Global Britain after a the latest diktat from 10 Downing Street seeks to harness an unstoppable supply of hot air. Thanks to Brexit.

“We have to fly the tricolour,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Otherwise how will everyone know where we are? The colours of the Russian and American flags must be seen in the skies over Blighty continually or the investments made to bring about Brexit may have been for nothing.”

Lucky for the blue sky dreamers at the heart of British government those colours are also the colours of the Union Jack, or someone may think something has gone awry.

“If it has we will not investigate. There is no need to panic our generous overseas benefactors.”

The diktat itself concerns hot air balloons.

“From midday tomorrow all hot air balloons in the skies over our green and pleasant land must be red, white and blue!” the source confirms. “This will ensure as British eyes raise upward to British skies they see their patriotism flying high any time of the day or night.”

Best of all the patriotism will be 100% hot air.

“This will cement our credentials as a greenhouse superpower ahead of the Climate Change Conference later this year,” the source adds. “And no one will be in any doubt that it’s the British Prime Minister himself supplying the hot air as every balloon will launch from the Rose Garden of 10 Downing Street.”

Fly high patriots! Getting high is about the only thing that will make Brexitannia bearable.

ALL TRUSSED UP : Downing Street is to go on the offensive after a completely baffling and unexpected fall in British exports. Something must be done.

“No less a trade supremo than Liz Truss is on the case,” a Department of International Trade source reassures LCD Views. “There is no export that she can’t get a handle on. What she does with it afterwards is anyone’s guess. But we know it must be magic. Especially if we’re talking about pork and cheese.”

Liz Truss will target the EU27 first and foremost, after having concluded ramped up, world beating trade deals with the rest of the known world.

“For some completely confusing reason British exports have suffered a serious decline following the New Year. While a completely arbitrary and manmade date should be so consequential is anyone’s guess. But we’re not going to explore that. We’re going to go on a charm offensive to Europe.”

And the offensive will see Liz styled out in Union Jacks and ready to beguile those staid Europeans.

“We are confident that with the right amount of boosterism and fetish level flag waving the EU27 importers will be tumbling over themselves for British products.”

Rest assured Global Britons. Buy British isn’t just the policy to deal with a catastrophic decline in the economy at home, even if we don’t make it anymore. Like good. Thanks to Liz and her boss Boris buy British will see those cashed up Europeans and their pathetic market of half a billion fighting each other for what we make.

If they don’t buy it, who will? That’s a question Liz Truss has the answer to. She just doesn’t know it yet.

PATRIOTIC HOT AIR : The U.K. is said to be in a “frenzy of self congratulation” today not seen since the conga lines of VE Day 2020 helped out the pandemic.

The cause of the flushed cheek joy is said to be the spotting of a patriotic wind blowing over the Home Counties. Right thinking citizens took a brief respite from the “war on woke” to step into their green and pleasant gardens and look to the heavens.

“This is certain to give Boris Johnson a poll boost not seen since everyone conveniently forgot 130,000+ people have died of that rather nasty cold on his watch. Or was it the flu? I can’t recall,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The wind, said to be red, white and blue began blowing as the sun rose and is said to be the best “example of hot air” since the last time the PM held a press conference.

Plans by the Conservative Party to bottle the wind are underway so that patriots can purchase it and open it in the comfort of their homes.

“If you’re worried about job security you won’t be anymore once you’ve inhaled the nationalist hot air,” the source added.

Downing Street have responded by ordering all Union Jacks in the U.K. flown at full mast, even the numerous ones held captive inside ministers’ living rooms.

Meteorological experts expect the wind to arrive at 10 Downing Street by lunch time at which point the Prime Minister will “stand in the Rose Garden and open his mouth wide” and the “blue, red and white hot air will come home”.

A Spitfire flypast is planned in the next thirty minutes and the BBC will carry the reassuring and stupefying footage on a continual loop until the time it is required to once again report on the devious machinations of the wily Europeans.

“This is a British wind,” the source adds. “A force of hot air the entire world can’t help but notice and recognise.”

NOTES FROM AN INCREASINGLY SMALL ISLAND : The EU knows it’s in the wrong in it’s fractious disputes with the fully independent, sovereign trading nation of the North Sea. But in case they forget Boris Johnson has appointed a total plank to remind them.

For years David Frost’s middling career seemed determined to stay very much mediocre in spite of his own recognition of his talents, even if the world disagreed.

“But then came Brexit. Then came Boris. Then came opportunity,” Doctor Fillboots Fugger of the Institute for Idiots comments. “If you’re prepared to believe in Brexit you can rise all the way up the greasy pole in Brexitannia. No matter how silly you are. No matter how insane your mission. A complete denial of reality is all that is needed to succeed.”

And succeed is what Lord Frost is doing, so far as swanning about consuming oxygen and covering himself in baubles.

“I note he has a new mission now. One that only a complete pot plant would take. It’s to explain to the EU that they are to fault for all that is wrong with Brexit. Pick a fight Frosty. Stop the inconvenient details of how much damage you and Boris Johnson have done. Go blame the EU for reality. If it wasn’t for reality Brexit would be a boom enterprise and the EU would be begging.”

The blame being laid on reality and the EU’s insistence on it will come as a surprise to many though.

“It will. Most think that everything is Megan Markle’s fault. But leave some blame for the EU. If it wasn’t for them Suez would have been a triumph.”

Which is what Frosty will be explaining to Brussels next week. Stay tuned for the adventures of Lord Frost. No one else could do what he’s doing, because no one else is craven and insecure enough to want to.

WRAP UP GOOD AND WARM IN IT : The UK’s prime minister is a famous humanitarian and with the latest budget from his government comes heartwarming measures for the world’s neediest.

While some commentators have been distracted by trifling concerns such as a halving of the aid budget to Yemen, while arms sales to Saudi Arabia go from strength to strength, so they can drop them on Yemen, sharp eyed reporters have noticed a benevolent step forwards.

“We can confirm that funding for Union Jack flag purchases has been increased to £350m per week,” a treasury source told LCD Views. “We’re a little miffed it didn’t get more coverage. People get bogged down in poverty wages for nurses and miss the important stuff.”

The funding is especially directed, as with the flag purchases, to benefit some of the world’s poorest and most troubled.

“It was actually a brainwave of Priti Patel’s. Which is not something that is often said. Ha!”

It seems the thinking is that one way to stop all these desperate people risking their lives to escape danger and make it to the sanctuary of a disused army barracks in Kent is to send them something British.

“If they have a British flag at home then they can wrap up nice and warm in it and they won’t need to come here and upset Nigel Farage. He’s busy enough as it is trying to save the fishing industry, which apparently he helped wreck. It’s really a stroke of genius by the Home Secretary. We should be thanked for it.”

NORTH SEA NORTH KOREA : BREAKING NEWS today that is certain to invoke outrage and condemnation from the UK’s English nationalist government with the announcement of joint US-EU economic sanctions on the United Kingdom.

The decision to impose sanctions comes after a turbulent year in which the UK’s so called government continued to wage war against international laws and rules, as if failing to notice that their fellow traveller Donald Trump lost (currently on bail awaiting trial).

“Biden has had enough,” a spokesman for the EU said via an interpreter. “He used his most recent round table with the EU27 heads to suggest the sanctions so he can finally have a day that is not interrupted by having to phone 10 Downing Street to remind them of their obligations to the GFA. The EU was happy to go along with it, for exactly the same reasons.”

It’s not clear if the imposition of sanctions usually reserved for the likes of Iran, North Korea and Russia will shift behaviour in 10 Downing Street though.

“Boris Johnson’s regime is like an unloved child on the world stage. One with a retarded development that hasn’t realised if it wants to be accepted by the other kids it’s needs to stop acting horribly, just to get attention, and think about how to get along, so people actually want to spend time with it. We are certain the sanctions will be used for domestic politics. Britain alone against the world and all that, but we’re just fed up.”

There are concerns the sanctions will just hurt ordinary Britons though, who have enough trouble dealing with a Home Secretary busily trying to incarcerate the lot.

“The sanctions will be targeted just to the regime leader and his allies. There maybe some disruption to day to day life from the restriction of exports of hi-vis vests and scientist costumes into the UK, but I’m afraid the people have a responsibility too to stop supporting this corrupt and out of control autocracy.”

More on this as it develops…