Category: Global Britain

CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE : The peoples of Spain and France are in a grateful mood today as they consider the tireless efforts of British tabloids to promote their best interests.

Particular praise is being levelled at The Express, one of Global Britain’s most enthusiastic heralds, and their new drive to get Brexiters to boycott Spain and France.

While some are concerned that without Brexiters the economies of the countries face almost instantaneous collapse, the laidback continentals seem sanguine over their looming implosions.

“We would like to express our intense gratitude to The Express and indeed the other British tabloids, The Telegraph and The Spectator, for their daily drip feed of factually incontinent trash into the minds of their readers. The latest effort from The Express evokes from us a surge of warm feelings words can not possibly hope to convey.”

It seems the letter is based not only on the present, but what appears to be a boundless optimism for the future.

“It has been especially trying to witness people voting to cut their nose off constantly believing they have won something, by reducing their own rights in our countries. Simultaneously trashing the rights of the children of our lands back in the UK. Furthermore the confusion and understandable frustration of UK citizens who know exactly the travesty that is occurring, having to politely converse with Brexiters in the Spanish, or French sun. Once the Express has successfully won the argument for a boycott of our grateful nations by idiots, we will all be much happier.”

It’s not entirely clear how the letter will be received in the offices of the trash tabloid. This is predominately because it will come as a complete shock to discover that people in France and Spain can not only understand, but write in English.

FAILED HUMAN STATE : HUMAN SEWER, NIGEL FARAGE, is rumoured to be looking for which beach to stand on to face off against thousands of unwanted immigrants expected to hit the shores of Blighty any day now.

It’s well known the UK is full and it can’t take anymore pressure on its health and social care systems, in spite of the sterling efforts of the Johnson government to lessen demand over the last year. Just one look at the estates of the landed gentry alone, and the mass of unoccupied properties in the country, confirms the fullness.

Foreign money doesn’t use London property to reputation wash itself just to have to rent it to whinging Poms coming back from Spain. Or anyone for that matter.

“Bog off we’re full!” someone claiming to be an aide to Mr Farage wrote to us in Cyrillic, although we have helpfully translated. “That’s the message Farage is going to send to these bloody immigrants, coming over here, expecting us to speak their language and sell their food. It’s not on. They’ll probably order beers in foreign too. Dos cervezas, por favor, or some other silly language. It’s not on. SPEAK ENGLISH.”

The immigrants raising Farage’s ire are of course the Brexit voters who now have to return from Spain, having failed to apply for residency in time.

“There are some English that Mr Farage is very keen to remain in the EU,” the aide added. “It’s the ones that are going to be bloody angry when they realise they can still get their daily fry-up, but forever now it’s going to be in the pissing English rain! They may even blame Farage and he’s not having it! Avoiding accountability for the disasters that result from their grifting is what populists do best”

FLAG STONED: Patriotic penny-pinching pub chain Wetherspoons has taken steps to ensure the quality of its clientele. In future, customers wishing to sample their bargain beers must carry The Flag.

This is a simple procedure, ‘Spoons bosses believe, that will weed out undesirables. Any potential customers failing to carry a Union Jack will be forbidden to enter, in case they start to destroy the atmosphere with undemocratic language. 

Instead, non-flag bearers will be told, in no uncertain terms, to bugger off and go to the nearest champagne socialist bar, since they obviously hate their country.

“Our customers like a nice quiet skinful in their comfortable little bubble,” explained the manager of the Permanently Outraged Gammon, Rhys Pectarcuntry. “Our punters do not wish their evening out to be spoilt by some four-eyed Guardian reader drinking low-alcohol single malt and bothering them with facts and intelligent discussion. They make our core customer base uncomfortable, making them turn aggressive. They lost, they need to get over it, and drink somewhere else until they do!”

Remoaners are also being discouraged by the installation of life-size cardboard cutouts of Boris Johnson. Unfortunately the usual clientele tend to nick them unless they are bolted to the floor.

“We are also experimenting with personalised condiment sets,” continued Pectarcuntry. “You know, like Nigel Farage salt cellars. But Nigel wanted to charge £175 each, and the boss wouldn’t put his hand in his pocket, the tight git.”

As a compromise, ‘Spoons branches will play the collected speeches of Winston Churchill over the PA, instead of the traditional muzak. Daily Spitfire fly-bys were mooted, but abandoned when they realised that the planes wouldn’t fit through the pub doorway. Instead, the big screens will show war footage whenever there is a break in the football.

Just in case, ‘Spoons will employ bouncers to be on the alert for Union Jacks. No flag? No entry!

THE WORLD CAN SEE : Fantastic news for flagshaggers today with the confirmation from 10 Downing Street that the old Union Flag is getting an update to reflect modern Britain.

“Many claim that the Union Flag is all shagged out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which given that it’s been in an orgy with the Tory Party, the fascists, the knuckledraggers and others who should know better for weeks is a reasonable presumption. But there’s life in the old cloth yet! It just needs a makeover.”

And a makeover is what the flag is getting as no less a star of modern British politics, and IT learning, than Jennifer Arcuri, has been added to the design.

“We feel the addition of the technological trainer really helps express the values expressed by the current United Kingdom government. And as you suckers elected us, they’re your values too!”

But a minority of voters elected the current government and its 80 seat majority.

“FPTP! Don’t you love it? You don’t need any definable policies with mass manipulation available via social media to the highest bidder. Just look what we’ve achieved!”

While many are happy to see one of Boris Johnson’s ex-mistresses now added to the Union Flag, some are worried about the international ramifications.

“Someone has to convince Australia and New Zealand and a few others they need to upgrade their flags too. But that’s tough. They’re saying we’ll just wait until Scotland leaves the Union thanks.”

Which under serial adulterer Boris Johnson looks certain, as the longer he is PM the deeper we’re screwed.

WHATEVER YOU NEED WHENEVER YOU DON’T NEED IT : UK PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has interrupted his alleged afternoon drinking session to save Global maritime trade.

“It’s a big move for the boss to stop boozing post PMQs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He usually spends the afternoon recovering from the only scrutiny he engages in. He’s a proper democrat. He should be building a bus out of empty wine crates later, but instead he’ll be patting himself on the back for solving this crisis. When he heard the words Suez and crisis he knew he was being called to act.”

The form the assistance will take will be largely symbolic, with the PM having authorised the sending on one Spitfire aircraft to be taken by cargo ship to the Suez Canal.

“Once there it will be assembled and flown over the stack freighter. The sheer uplift in morale alone should be enough to re-float the tanker and save global maritime trade.”

There were suggestions that he could organise for JCB to send some diggers, after photos circulated on social media of a digger attempting to push the stranded ship off the coast. But this was discarded after realisation that Mr Johnson may need them to drive through a wall of styrofoam boxes.

Additional assistance will be provided though in the form of the prime minister clapping at 8pm on Thursday evening. Potentially even while holding Dylin the prop dog.

When queried why the Spitfire though? Surely a more muscular and modern approach will be needed? The source just shrugged.

“A Spitfire flyover was good enough to thanks the NHS? It’s the template for all government gratitude now when what is needed is something substantially more than the symbolic.”

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS : Global Statesman and national powerhouse Boris Johnson has moved to soothe the troubled waters that is the strip of water separating mighty Global Britain from the others.

Fears have been growing over recent days of a full scale vacccccccine war between the free trading superpower of Global Britain and the fading, tyrannical Brussels.

“We have asked the MOD to draw up plans to carpet bomb Brussels with AZ phials,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “But the PM is insistent we do not initiate hostilities unilaterally. But should they mine the English Channel with say, polio shots, we will be ready with short range Small Pox bombs.”

Hopefully calmer heads will prevail and there will be no full scale outbreak of syringe war.

“We will continue to win the war of words with brinkmanship, bluster and bluff. The three B’s of Boris’s international strategy. Brussels will soon come to heel. Just like they did in the Brexit negotiations, which only cost us our entire fishing, farming and financial services to secure victory. In my personal estimation, we should promote Lord Frost to Field Marshall, just to be ready though. Just in case. His cunning alone would likely only result in minor losses, like at the Somme.”

But sharp eyed observers have suggested there maybe other reasons World King Johnson is less keen to flex the muscles of all conquering Britannia.

”I deny the quote is genuine,” the source said, in advance of the coming quote. “Some will say that it’s accurate. That Boris Johnson said he won’t engage in a vacccccccine tit for tat export ban with Europe, because we can’t, we don’t export any. But I couldn’t possibly confirm that.”

THE GRINNING REAPER : Drowning Street has responded to unpatriotic criticism of its handling of the cold pandemic today by pointing out an essential and pertinent fact.

“Were the warnings issued in English?” an official asked the vital question. “Or were they initially issued in a subservient language? I’ll repeat it again for any forrin correspondents present on this Zoom call. WERE. THE. WARNINGS. ISSUED. IN. INGLISH?”

The question is a timely one as the UK death toll nears 150,000, and someone has to be blamed. Anyone but 10 Downing Street.

“Clearly the blame is not the fault of the UK government,” the imaginary spokesman for Primed Sinister Boris Johnson continued. “You look at the way such diverse countries as New Zealand, Vietnam, South Korea, Japan, Australia and Thailand have handled the crisis? Very differently indeed without our exceptional, out of the box leadership. Just look at the paltry spend on their track and trace systems. You can’t be serious? Talking about looking a gift horse in the mouth!”

But what is in the box(es) are the bodies of the avoidable dead. Tens of thousands of boxes thanks to the genius strategies of Boris and Dom, a modern tour de force of anti-intellectualism and disregard of the bleedin’ obvious.

“We’re British,” the spokesman adds. “We can’t have been expected to understand the weird waffling of foreigners. They were all well advanced into the pandemic anyway and clearly in a panic. What could we learn from them? No. We choose to shake hands with the virus. We choose to take it on the chin. We choose to spend months having a public debate about transmission. Any idiot could have told you it was spreading asymptomatically, but we boldly discouraged asymptomatic testing. We debated face masks in a cold pandemic. Can you believe it? We did. We’re exceptional. We’ve recently realised school kids can spread it. Who would have thought? Did Johnny Foreigner say that? You can thank Boris Johnson for that. If you can find him. He’s pretty bored of all this now if I’m honest.”

British exceptionalism, more dangerous than any smart bomb. Let’s arm it, prime it and have Boris Johnson launch it at ourselves. Again and again and again.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT HERE GO AND LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE : The Royal Navy has been ordered today to work with Britain’s world beating fishing fleet and track down a treasonous fish.

The fish, believed to be a three year old cod called Todd, committed high treason when filling out the Census 2021. In the boxes regarding nationality it wrote “Citizen of the World” and in the ethnic group it wrote “European”, sparking a crisis within the Home Office.

“Priti Patel is liaising with both the MOD and Environmental Secretary Useless to launch a manhunt. It is hoped they capture the fish before it corrupts the entirety of British fish stock,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.

The nationality of fish has been a subject of heavy focus under the Johnson government, even while over 130,000 people have died during the pandemic.

“We need to interrogate Todd and discover who put him up to this,” the Home Office source continued. “The happiness of British fish is at stake and thus the entire nation.”

No action has been ruled out to track down Todd with LCD Views understanding that the government has not ruled out using Trident in a “carpark” strategy to destroy all life in the English Channel. If Todd can’t be captured and forced to recant than it is felt the next best step is to “sterilise the environment with nuclear energy”.

LCD Views appeals for anyone who may know Todd’s location to come forward and aid in a swift resolution of today’s national crisis.

“If you know the safe house Todd is staying at you can phone the police anonymously on a premium rate phone number which will shortly be released,” our source adds. “It is vital that Todd be stopped before another fish does something unrecoverable such as write French on the census.”

It is further believed that the Secretary of State for Fish Nationalism, John Redwood, has not been informed of the situation as no one wants to risk “him collapsing into a coma from the shock.”

CUTTING YOUR OWN BOWFINGERS OFF TO SPITE THEIR FACE : DOWNING STREET is having a great time this week manufacturing a vaccine war of words with the European Commission, and it shows no sign of backing off.

The necessity of having the EU as the national bogeyman has not lessened with getting Brexit done, it has only increased the need to do it, so no one looks at the damage Downing Street has caused by getting Brexit done.

“Vaccine wars will only last so long,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We need to make the most of them while we can. We need every credulous minor celebrity with a Twitter account to catch the nationalist bug and spread disinformation for us. To this end we’re going to give them something to really tweet about.”

The something appears to be re-enacting the famous of Battle of Agincourt in the early 15th century when famous English king, Welsh born Henry V, really stuck it to the French!

“For the re-enactment Boris Johnson will dress up as Henry V and Rishi Sunak has spared no expense kitting all the Tory MPs out as long bows and arrows. This has been done because they’re all absolute weapons!”

But who is going to play the French forces in the re-enactment?

“Pfizer vaccine phials. The English forces will bear the AZ insignia and it’s clear because of the British link to the vaccine that they will triumph. It’s basic historical understandings.”

Quite what the EC will make of the move isn’t clear. But if they don’t start paying proper attention to all our manufactured tantrums will move on from Agincourt to the time of Henry VI when we pretty much lost it all.