Category: Global Britain

DO WHAT YOU LOVE BEST : Alarming news from Cornwall this morning with unconfirmed reports that Priti Patel has gone even more rogue than she was already.

Shortly before dawn a fleet of Home Office immigration enforcement vans were seen driving at speed towards the Tregenna Castle Resort where the G7 leaders are staying. It appears English police just waved them through as the Home Secretary herself was leading the raid and “cackling like a mad woman in a horror film”.

“It’s understood the Home Secretary just couldn’t take the thought of an influx of foreigners from many countries all arriving at once and being housed in style and feed at THE GREAT BRITISH TAXPAYERS’ EXPENSE!”

It’s not sure how the seizure of some of the most powerful people in the world will play across the tabloids, but it’s likely Rupert Murdoch won’t mind.

“The undocumented, illegal migrants are now being held in secure accommodation in Kent,” a Home Office statement reads. “The accommodation is definitely fit for human habitation with the series of rotating blades and pits of adders designed by Ms Patel personally.”

It’s not entirely clear how the global community will take the hostile act by Ms Patel, but it is believed she will have the backing of the Tory Party.

“The Conservative Party had no plan B for if Donald Trump lost the US election. Most of them are so far gone they’ll think this is genius and Trump will now stage a comeback.”

The one leader who it seems escaped the raid was New York born Boris Johnson who is said to have climbed out of his bedroom window and climbed down some old ivy hours before the raid.

“They’re saying he spied a blonde woman a few hundreds metres away and ran off to try and start a family with her. Lucky escape.”

BORIS JOHNSON IS A FAMOUS LIBERAL : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister is leading the G7 this week with a display of the exciting possibilities of being elected to government.

While some daft people seem to expect elected governments not to break manifesto commitments unless circumstances prevent them being implemented, Mr Johnson isn’t having any of that boring nonsense. He’s showing the big boys that you can get elected and act like a tyrant and disregard all your prior promises.

“Breaking the manifesto commitment to maintain International Aid spending at a fraction of that committed to dodgy PPE deals with Tory donors is an example of democracy in action,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will show Biden what he’s up against too when he tries to grab Boris by the ear and twist it over Northern Ireland. Look buddy, we’ll break whatever commitments we choose and it doesn’t matter if it potentially means dull people in faraway places die.”

The decision to lower Global Britain’s aid spending will hit some of the world’s poorest people where it hurts. Namely food, water and medicine. But No 10 has some sound advice.

“For too long we’ve given to places like Yemen with one hand and taken away with the other,” the source admits. “We both sell the bombs that are dropped on their civilian populations to devastating effect and we pay for them to drink clean water at the ensuing funerals. This is a key plank of our international business deals with arms sales. And I’d like to thank the Royals for hosting all those events to help us sell the arms. It’s a team effort at team GB!”

But what are the world’s poorest people supposed to do once the aid cuts bite?

“Don’t come here! Ha! Imagine the look on Patel’s face? No. Stay home and get into international arms sales yourself. We make billions and billions every year from them. Given how many of the bombs fall on the heads of the poor you’d think they’d have worked out it was good business by now!”

EAR TO THE TRACKS : The United Kingdom’s parliament is to debate today what to do about thirsty and hungry foreigners.

Clearly Global Britons do not want foreign types turning up on their green and pleasant land. We go there to look at them as we please, but it’s not done for them to come here. It’s about place in the natural order of the world. Indeed, the cosmos.

“It’s a bit rum for anyone to think they can just turn up at your door and walk right into your home,” the Tory MP for Fhatfharce-on-Phlegm will say.

“In the days of the Empire foreign types only came to England when we invited them by slapping a pair of manacles on them and transporting them at Her Majesty’s leisure to be gawked at by the metropolitan elite. What for Brexit if not to keep people out?”

Good question.

“This is the problem with the foreign aid budget. It just fills up bellies and gives these cunning chaps enough energy to cross the Sahara, navigate the slave markets of Libya, book passage with a tour operator to cross the Mediterranean before waltzing through Europe and swimming the English Channel. You should see the size of their forearms by the time they arrive! Terrifying. And once they get here? Well, the same lack of ambition that drove them in the first place will soon see them lazing about a holiday camp in Kent. I will be voting to end foreign aid to stop people fleeing British made munitions once and for all!”

While these arguments for spending less overseas on the needy are obvious, what to replace the foreign aid with is more ticklish.

“It’s quite simple,” the Tory MP for Nostalgia and Property will explain, “we give the foreigners a recorded speech about the benefits of the British Empire. Once they are reminded of the industry of their ancestors who built all those railways, under the sensible direction of Englishmen, they will feel inspired to set to the rubble of their homes and rebuild. There really is no reason for anyone to risk offending patriotic British voters by turning up at our home.”

Global Britain – it’s only for Brits, and maybe not even them.

TANTRIC PANDEMIC : A cross party group of incensed MPs have called today for an inquiry into how much money CV-19 has donated to the governing Conservatives.

The call comes on the back of an anticipated sixteenth wave of the virus which has been shouting its intentions for weeks, and been largely ignored by Downing Street. Some are even saying not just ignored but actively encouraged, given what extending the plague means financially to people who have Matt’s WhatsApp.

“It’s well known figures linked to cabinet ministers have absolutely smashed it financially during the pandemic,” one of the MPs stated. “It would be nice to know where all the money is coming from. Given there is no money to educate or feed poor kids the cash for non-existent PPE contracts has to be coming from somewhere? It can’t all just be off the back of selling peerages. Maybe the viral strands of RNA are donating if? Not just donating. Throwing it at Tories by the truckload?”

Critics have pointed out though that the inquiry is unnecessary as like everything else the corrupt and useless Grim Reaper does off the back of his 80 seat majority is bleeding obvious.

Downing Street is expected to resist the calls to hold the inquiry as they are rumoured to be too busy trying to work out which donor paid for the golden calf which has been installed inside the PM’s office.

THROW ANOTHER INDUSTRY ON THE BARBIE : BREXIT SUPERSTAR Liz Truss is so annoyed at the nil points awarded to Global Britain at the recent Eurovision that she is going to do something radical.

“She’s not going to sing, don’t worry,” an aide claiming to work for the trade Tsar told LCD Views. “Although she says if the Eurovision contest ever opens up a category for spoken word poetry she’ll be right in there. She has an extensive back catalogue of verse written to celebrate Brexit.”

But the one thing Liz Truss can do is take a lead from her boss. She can agree deals, publicise and celebrate them before decrying them as basically a con on the British people.

“It was incredibly underhand of the Australian trade negotiators to behave as they did,” the aide informs. “Liz Truss will publicly call out their dirty deeds and say she is not going to stand for it. The UK-AUS FTA must now include a commitment from the Australians to vote for the UK Eurovision entry in all future competitions. Assuming we’re still invited. Furthermore they must recant how they voted last weekend and demand their points go to the UK.”

The move to ensure the UK never again receives nil points, no matter how many Italian au pairs they incarcerate at the border, will be a great boost to the British farming community.

“When we’ve paid off our farmers and replaced them with hormone stuffed beef imported from the other side of the world they’ll be able to retire knowing that when they watch Eurovision they’re not going to see the country they love embarrassed.”

The BBC has been ordered to support Ms Truss in her efforts by making a new documentary focused on Ms Truss’s efforts called “A Very British Sell Out”.

UNDERMINING BREXIT : It is now clear to all patriots that the EU will stop at nothing to prevent Brexit being the success it self-evidently is. This is in spite of the tireless efforts of the German automotive sector, the French cheese sector and the Italian prosecco industry to ensure Brexit succeeds.

The latest pathetic attempt to undermine the project of Great British renewal came last night during the Eurovision song contest. It seems even in this star studded song contest Brussels is trying to do us down.

“We should remind Eurovision that it needs us more than we need it,” one avid UK fan posted on social media. All the social media. “Without our entry each year the competition would have virtually no interest to anyone. We should leave Eurovision immediately.”

And while patriotic citizens are rightfully enraged over the zero points our fully sovereign, free trading, global powerhouse received, reports suggest there is just a general sense of bafflement within 10 Downing Street.

“That’s nothing unusual,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “There’s always something baffling the occupants. Mostly it’s the wallpaper. Sometimes it’s the pandemic. Today it’s Eurovision. Mr Johnson himself did everything he could to ensure British success.”

The everything appears to have been sending a Royal Navy aircraft carrier to sea to intimidate the EU.

“We’re going to have to start divebombing French fishermen before next year’s competition. Let Brussels see us roar! Assuming the Americans continue to loan us the planes.”

Without the borrowed planes the giant ship is just an admiral’s yacht.

“Maybe that’s the way to win next year? A bit of Gilbert and Sullivan reworked? We are the very model of a fully sovereign, free trading nation, I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral, I know the Kings of England and quote the fights historical…”

That might do it! Reading the lyrics Gilbert and Sullivan is now clear that is our contemporary time period. Let’s have Boris Johnson dress up as a 19th century admiral and sing at next year’s contest. Then he could truthfully say he did do all he could to ensure the UK’s success, for once.

CLOTHES MAKETH THE FASCIST : STRONG regimes provide stable leadership until they collapse under the weight of their own hate. Happily for Global Britons they are governed by a strong regime.

To signify the might the functionaries of the regime running Brexitannia like a bank transfer service are now sporting eye catching new uniforms. The Prime Minister turned heads yesterday while playing at being an RAF commander, building on the work of his Home Secretary earlier in the week when she took time out of her busy schedule bullying her staff to pose for cameras at an immigration raid. Whether or not the people arrested are found guilty is no reason for one of the most important ministers in the government not to make political hay out of it.

“We’re all very pleased with the uniforms,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It projects the right image to the voting populace. Don’t question the authority. Bow down before the ones you serve. Matt Hancock is getting fitted out for his paramilitary style jacket too, only his will say ‘CARE’ just to really rub the noses of the NHS in it.”

And reports suggest that Priti Patel is already thinking of an upgrade to her upgraded image.

“She’s having another jacket made as Home Secretary is maybe too weak an image. People might take positive associations from seeing home emblazoned on her. So she’s going to make her intentions clear. So it’s not just EU27 au pairs languishing in jail cells at the border who know what we’re about now, thanks to Brexit.”

The new jacket will have “Go Home Secretary” sewn onto it, so no one can be in any doubt about what Global Briton means.

“The voters will soon be given jackets too, but they’ll be a very rough weave and have ‘Serf’ sewn onto them,” the source adds. “This way when you are doing your national service in the soft fruit fields no one can mistake your place in the exciting world of modern feudalism.”

THROW ANOTHER BRITISH SECTOR ON THE BARBIE : THE PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is now completely insane and to prove it he has announced plans to build an actual bridge from Dover to Australia.

“We’re not sure exactly where in Australia the bridge will terminate,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “That’s because they haven’t agreed to it. But little details like that aren’t something to stop a man like Boris announcing a giant infrastructure project. You just have to believe.”

Belief is clearly not a problem for Britain’s most upbeat PM since the Napoleonic Wars. It is rumoured he has already allocated several billion to the feasibility studies.

“The bridge will ensure that any future blockages in the Suez Canal will not stop Brits barbecuing this summer,” the source adds. “Lesser countries may see their live sheep and cattle imports stuck in some environmental nightmare in a watery Egyptian ditch, but not Brexit Britain! Our imports will just walk right over the top with gleeful shepherds and happy working dogs laughing at the mess down below.”

The decision to agree to import meat from Oz, and thus ruining British businesses in the process, is seen as the next stage of the Brexit project.

“We’ve shafted the city of London. We’ve shafted the fishermen. Now it’s time to give the farmers a proper seeing to!”

But not everyone is pleased. Some have pointed out that forgoing imports a few miles away across the Channel in favour of lesser quality meat from the Antipodes doesn’t exactly bolster the PM’s environmental credentials.

“That’s where you’ve gone wrong,” the source corrects, “you’re assuming he gives a flying toss about having any. Muppet.”

The shade thrown down by the bridge was also initially thought to be an issue for the people it will pass over until a decision was made to paint the underbelly in Union Flag colours.

“Rain, hail or shine you can’t stop Brits barbecuing. And with billions going out the door in feasibility studies alone this is a giant boost to the only actual outcome that is important to modern Conservatives. That of emptying the public purse into their pockets.”

Throw another UK sector on the barbie? Yes please. And crack another can while you’re at it!

CUT THE BLUE OR THE RED WIRE : Nicola Sturgeon is on the receiving end of unsolicited and timely advice today as she celebrates romping home in Scotland.

Even as she warms her hands over Alex Salmond’s failure to win a seat she is being told how best to get permission for a second Independence Referendum from Westminster.

“Just tell Downing Street that IndyRef2 will be advisory only,” an anonymous note is reported to have said. “Worked a treat in the Brexit stitch up. We pulled off a minor win thanks to dark money, electoral law breaking and massive social media manipulation and then called it an overwhelming mandate. It was hilarious.”

Whether or not Ms Sturgeon either needs or will heed the unsolicited tidbit isn’t clear, as she seems to know what she’s about.

“She doesn’t really need to pull off a con like the Brexit referendum,” our Union Analyst comments. “She can rely on an industrial scale gaslighting campaign from Johnson and Gove. They’ll do the work for her.”

Clearly it would be possible to save the United Kingdom but the required tools are unlikely to be in Boris Johnson’s box.

“It will take treating the Scots with respect, furthering empowering Holyrood and a summit on how best to reorganise the power sharing arrangements of the entire country to enable the smaller regions to have an actual say in overall governance. So good luck with that.”

Downing Street is said to believe Johnson can pull it off but leaks suggest plans are also being drawn up for more “Inland Customs Facilities” once the UK’s newest customs border is established north of Newcastle.

THE LAST KING OF ENGLAND : Great news for high end painters and decorators today after a 10 Downing Street leak revealed the Prime Minister has offered to sell Scotland to the EU.

There was deep concern that CASH STRAPPED Boris Johnson may not have enough readies to retile the No 11 flat in actual elephant fur but a late night drinking session appears to have been a fortunate decision.

“It was while opening the third crate of Bollinger manfully himself that the PM paused,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “He stared with widening eyes and said, just a minute, just a minute, no hesitation, deviation or…before falling silent. Next he belched and fist pumped the air several times. Muttered something about so many kids and school fees before belching again.”

It was after the second round of belching that the genius wheeze was finally verbalised.

“Didn’t the Reds sell Kissinger Alaska?” the PM is reported to have demanded of his drinking companions. “Why in blazes can’t we just flog Scotland off to Brussels?”

Why not indeed.

“The jocks will go for it. Old Barnier gets to write a sequel after the sales negotiations and Carrie gets to buy whatever the bally hell carpet she likes for the WC.”

It’s not expected that Scotland will be consulted on the potential sale as that would just “give them ideas above their station”.

What Brussels will make of the offer isn’t entirely clear, nor what Scots Tories will think. The idea is said to have found immediate favour among the cabinet as they’re all nodding dogs.

“Gove can pitch it to the British public. Not that anyone is paying attention to what we do anyway. And it’ll nicely stitch up Sturgeon. Imagine being this close to her dreams and having them snatched away in a real estate transaction. Classic Boris.”

The plan also solves a recurring problem for backbench Tory MPs who won’t have to worry about hanging the Union Jack the wrong way up anymore, as it will just be a red cross.

If the sale is successful it will also open the doors to selling Wales next and potentially Northern Ireland to Joe Biden.

“Boris has overseen one of the worst pandemic mortality responses on the planet and gotten away with it. The skies the limit. Well, just north of Newcastle maybe the limit soon but who cares?”