Category: Global Britain

HISTORY HAS BEEN ERASED AGAIN, AGAIN: The UK is so fragile, so lacking in confidence, that replacing a historical figure on a banknote is enough to bring down the nation.

“This is disgusting” thundered Miles Away, chief satirist at one of the UK’s leading propaganda papers. “Where will it all end? When did England stop celebrating national pride? When did we all forget our rich, rainbow-coloured, and unique heritage? When did the Loony Left decide that actual, real, genuine, history didn’t happen? Why do they have to be so divisive, and use the periodic change in design of ARE British banknotes to REMOVE an old white man and replace him with democratically chosen animals? Why, oh why, oh why do we have to put up with this woke rubbish AGAIN?”

That’s a lot of words to say ‘I don’t like change’.

If we must indulge in a little gratuitous political point scoring, then, in the name of balance, we must point out that the Righteous Right insists on throwing a collective wobbly over the smallest, most insignificant matters, while ignoring actual, real, genuine, current affairs.

Indeed, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could literally ride into town, and the likes of Miles Away would be moaning because one of them is a woman.

Once again, Mr Away is as precisely wrong as it is possible to be. As with the Moral Panic About Toppling Are Statues (the last time that history was erased), all it has done is to draw attention to our history. Yeah, Churchill did a decent job in difficult times, but we have (mostly) moved on from a war that ended over 80 years ago. Why not celebrate our wildlife – and even Pingu?

Diversity and divisive are only similar in spelling. Their meanings are poles apart.

So to the South Pole, and the last word goes to Pingu: “Maak Maak!”

SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP, SPECIAL NEEDS: Every bully needs a victim, every victim needs help to grow a fucking backbone. At least this is true as regards the so-called special relationship between Trump and Starmer.

“I stand here before you, the British people, to reassure you that I put up a brief and token resistance before letting the bigger boys tell me what to do,” explained Starmer in full statesman mode. “In fact, it was a win for the UK because, in exchange, they didn’t steal my lunch money this time!”

A quip that Ed Davey himself would be proud of.

But this didn’t explain why Starmer folded so quickly and completely.

“They gave me a Chinese Burn,” explained Starmer weepily. “They threatened to put my head down the toilets at break time, and tell everyone that I snogged Rachel Reeves! It’s not fair.”

This is why the right-wing press, who are controlled by the same people who control Trump, forced Angela Rayner out of the picture. They know that Rayner would have told them to fuck off before she gave them a slap and a wedgie, with that strong Manchester accent and mane of ginger hair frightening the living shit out of them. Rayner would have grounded them for a week, and grounded the war planes for good.

It’s deja vu all over again. Iraq, Iran – what’s a letter between friends?

Meanwhile Nigel the frog-faced foghorn Farage gets to stand on the sidelines, and snarkily take the moral high ground as usual. “You can’t prove that I was egging Donald on, and putting pressure on Keir!” he remarked smugly. “It’s nothing to do with me. USA! USA!”

It’s good that our world leaders are so grown up now, and will be able to further their interests as soon as they reach secondary school. Peace in our time!

AN ISLAND GOVERNED BY LITTLE ENGLANDERS : EXCITING news today for Britain’s current English Minister, Keir Starmer, with the revelation that he has won the 2025 ‘Theresa May Award For Excellence In Government’.

The little heard of MAFEIG’S have been awarded annually since 2019 to a leading UK politician who best embodies Theresa May’s approach to power in 10 Downing Street.

“Some expected the May’s to fall out of favour with the change from Tory to Labour government last July,” our despondent Westminster correspondent reports, “but Starmer has come out of the traps charging and shown that while May’s time in power may have passed, it doesn’t mean her approach to running the country into the ground has to.”

To be in contention for the MAFEIG’S the contender has to actively hold a powerful position within the country and wield that power in an unexpected way.

“A maverick approach to government is what the judges are looking for,” our correspondent continues, “May first displayed her unique style with the Go Home Vans, before she was PM, but her Citizens of Nowhere speech showed us her inner qualities. Yesterday Starmer proved he was paying attention and ready to pick up where she left off. Just because 14 years of austerity, cruelty, racism and competing with Farage to shout at the sea saw the Tories heavily binned, it doesn’t mean Labour will experience the same fate. The Cons were just ahead of their time.”

But it’s not just being mean to those bloody foreigners that is required.

“Historical blindness. Economic incompetence. Double standards. Hypocrisy. Cruelty to vulnerable sections of the electorate. Alienating yourself from your natural supporters. Inability to recognise your advisors are absolutely shit. Feeding into right wing populism. All are vital characteristics needed to win. And did I mention being mean to foreigners? Essential. You’re not going to win back that wavering voter in a town full of boarded up shops and bookmakers by being honest, humane and even handed while also investing in meaningful change.”

While the recipient of the award may have been decided already, the award ceremony itself won’t be held until much later in the year.

“Officially the competition runs until parliament dissolves for Christmas. This means Keir has months yet to make his achievement truly hysterical. We can look forward to a summer of invigorating speeches delivered with all the panache of the award founder herself. Why, we may even see Starmer competing with Farage to cut the ribbon on the first machine gun nest facing into The Channel at Dover. If a Labour government can govern like the Tories, we can only wonder at what is to come.”

HIGHER AND HIGHER (YOUR FLAG KEEPS LIFTING ME) : FANTASTIC news for the people of Fuch-on-Woe today with the announcement that a newly elected Reform county councillor is expecting a baby with the town hall’s Union Flag.

While a baby boom in weird human/flag hybrids is expected with Reform’s commanding performance in the recent local elections, keen eyed observers are amazed at how fast the conception occurred.

“It’s miraculous,” 458 year old Reform supporter, Mr Whiter Thanwhite, enthused, “when I was dug up from my Tudor graveyard and carried down to the local primary to vote last week I was imagining what magic child may be born, but I never expected the shagging to be so fast and hard. There wasn’t even a comet in the sky. It just shows you, if you want to fill the country up with red, white and blue babies, you need to get a proper knucklehead on the case. I mean white, white and white babies clearly. Red, white and blue babies would be a sign of plague creeping across the land and I’ve already died of one once. Never again!”

Who exactly the human parent of the expected child is is being kept a closely guarded secret. But our reporter on the ground in Fuch-on-Woe, D Espair, has a rumour to spread about that.

“I’ve been watching the town hall closely since the results of last week’s ballots were announced and I am pretty sure I can say it’s Dick Phlagshag. He was up on a ladder as quick as you like once erected in Fuch taking down all the but the Union Flag and the Saint George cross. He did linger for a moment or two by the Union Flag and touch its fabric in a way I can only describe as openly sexual. It was no surprise when I returned from grabbing a full ENGLISH breakfast half an hour later to see the Union Flag was also missing. But Dick was erecting that ladder again soon after and re-hanging it. They were both a little red-faced, but not from embarrassment.”

We did ask Reform’s leader Nigel Farage for comment on the event but he was too busy explaining to a fake news reporter that it’s impossible to hold constituency surgeries in Clacton because the internet hasn’t been invented yet.

While it is not yet clear how long a pregnancy of this kind takes to come to term, it is possible to speculate on the name of the infant.

“Saint George Brexit Machine Gun Nests At Dover Labour Will Be Along Any Moment To Fuck A Flag Too Rather Than Govern In A Way That Actually Attracts Voters,” is the likeliest name, suggests D Espair.

ONE HAND DIRTYING THE OTHER HAND : Great news today for Great Britain’s great battalions of long term sick with the announcement of yet another grate government initiative to deal with them.

Later today the UK Government is set to announce a raft of changes to the way banks are regulated in the country to revive the golden era of casino banking, but the cherry on top will be a reset of expectations of the country’s unwell.

“It’s not just about the super wealthy doing their part to capitalise on the UK’s isolation and desperation post Brexit. It’s not just about pretending that billions aren’t lost every year in tax dodging, or that tech giants should actually pay to support the populations they harvest data for profit from, or that the one legged, single mother with shingles is the real drain on the country’s coffers. No. Sick people have a job to do too,” Barfby Barfing MP, Undersecretary of State for Being a Bastard, will tell the country’s woke unwell, “and that job is not just keeping the NHS busy.”

It has long been understood that for too long many unwell people have seen being too sick to work as a lifestyle choice.

“That ends today. Petty complaints like, no one will hire me because I’m sick, or I can’t make it through the day without vomiting are going in the bin. Our biggest services sector needs you!”

In particular the initiative appears aimed at capitalising on the new law and order regime being brought in globally by the Trump regime.

“Financial crime is back bigger than ever and we’re not going to miss out on it,” Barfby will declare. “You see these people supposedly too sick to work in our communities. They blame years of neglect of the NHS. A mismanaged pandemic. And other things. But are their clothes clean? Yes. Everyday. It follows logically they know how to launder. So they can get to work in the only sector not dependent on negotiating over fish with the bloody French.”

BOTH KNEES BENDING : Great news today for the Global Britain project with the revelation that 10 Downing Street will “stop at nothing to avoid having to take a principled stand” against the second coming of Trump.

While the wokerati of Blighty had vague hopes that new Prime Minister, and human rights lawyer, Keir Starmer would not stand for the casserole of nonsense cascading out of the White House, we have it on good authority that he will stand for it. Or, to be more precise, kneel for it.

No more so then because taking a stand would mean uniting with the 500m people across The English Channel that make up a bloc of major world democracies. And we can’t do that.

“To cement the special relationship in the modern era is no mean feat, especially given the complexities of doing that cementing when the USA has gone completely batshit insane, and increasingly lawless.”

“But we’re up to the job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Did you see our video yesterday of migrant removals? You can imagine that really thrilled Trump for validating his own cruelty. Our commander in chief has studied criminals his entire working life so he knows how Donald Trump ticks. He will make sure Blighty builds a wall to hide behind that will have no room for anyone else.”

How this metaphorical wall is to be built has been the focus of fevered speculation, but today we know exactly what its bricks and mortar will be made of.

“We’re throwing pound sterling into the dustbin of history,” the source reveals, “and replacing it with TrumpCoin. And for any traditionalists out there, there is nothing to worry about, the coin will still feature the head of our king. Our new one that is. D Trump.”

It is hoped such a pathetic act of fawning will encourage the roaming eye of Sauron to move on and punish the EU instead.

“Not only will replacing our currency with TrumpCoin secure our relationship with Mr Trump into his third term, it will mean a boost to our economy, as it won’t stay worthless forever. You just wait and see and while waiting, why not try bartering?”

FOLLOW THE LEADER : You can’t be too careful when weighing up how much avoidable harm to do to your country in the hope of small electoral advantages, and no one knows that better than the current UK Government.

”The UK is the greatest country on earth,” the current UK PM will tell a rapt audience in Brussels later today, and then pause for applause.

”We are also incredibly modest and don’t like to browbeat our neighbours, and I will say it, friends, with the long established truth that we’re simply better than they are. We understand this makes it hard for them to give in to all of our demands. It’s simply embarrassing to be so close to such an exceptional country, but yet so far away. Today, we shall find a way to make it look like you are giving us what we demand. At least, that’s how it will look when we agree to a form of words that signifies better for the focus groups.”

The rigorous adherence to the Brexit policy of the preceding five Conservative prime ministers is anticipated to reassure the EU officials that it’s “steady as she goes” in Blighty.

“We do not negotiate with a hidden trick up our sleeves,” he will add, “even if we do have a Trump card.”

There will be another pause for applause from the captivated audience, before Mr Starmer will get to the central message.

”The easy thing to do would be to extol the obvious benefits of immigration from highly educated countries just a few miles away. To explain that the problems you maybe facing getting a GP appointment, or renting an affordable flat, were caused by incompetence at the highest levels of British leadership, but that would risk alienating one potential Reform voter in Tamworth. And like David Cameron before me, that is a risk I will not take with my party’s fortunes.”

We did ask a Brussels insider for comment, and received it.

”The ninth year of Brexit now?” he said. “You’re still too shy to admit it was a mistake as visible as Dover’s white cliffs? Not so much perfidious Albion these days, as stupidious! [snigger]. We will be here when you grow up. Now, if you don’t mind there’s a war on, and everyone is invited.”

YOU AND WHOSE ARMY : The UK’s current inheritor of Churchill’s eternal power animal, Rishi Sunak, is set to reposition himself domestically to prove he’s the war leader Britain needs to be great in future conflicts.

It’s the best kept secret in the Westminster bubble that Mr Sunak is only respected to his face by people who hope to either fill or empty his bank accounts, but the umpteenth image refab will definitely provide the resurrection in polling the PM needs.

”We can’t have an election until Rishi is certain to win, so if you want an election you know what to do,” a spokesman for the little retrograde ruler told LCD Views, “you would have thought showing a bit of ankle, literally, to the public was enough, but the peasants are truly revolting.”

No one can say Mr Sunak isn’t a trier, so why not try the latest rebrand his team of well heeled freethinkers have hit on.

”Sun Tzunak has an appeal which we’re sure will resonaste with the voters,” the spokesman explained, “and see them returning to Rishi in droves.”

The catchy new handle was the result of a free association brainstorm session of the kind which has seen the PM make life as hard as possible for people less well off than the average voter.

”To be frank, punishing the vulnerable for a poll boost is getting a little tired, because we’ve created so many vulnerable people. So this is a reset to our reboot approach and a rebrand which will put a rocket under Rishi.”

Mr Sunak will record a hip and groovy series of short clips for social media to help spread the world that he’s now Sun Tzunak, a type of military superhero.

”Only Sun Tzunak can lead you to victory,” the spokesman adds, his life force draining away in real time, “and if you don’t believe us you’re a traitor who is undermining the country.”

Look out for the taxpayer funded videos on digital billboards in your area from tomorrow and see a giant sized Sun Tzunak pointing to the dangers of the future he’s helping to create, so he can be the one to save you.

And if this latest reset doesn’t shift the dial, what next?

”We’ll do something else,” the spokesman shrugged, “it’s not like we’ve anything pressing to do.”

TRANSIT INTRANSIGENCE: All out problems could be over, if only the EU would fall into line with England and the English Empire, claims Jacob Rees-Mogg. Their pettifogging insistence on imposing their silly little foreign rules is causing hold-ups to Great British Commerce. It is also costing huge amounts of money that could be more usefully diverted into the war chests of England’s feudal overlords.

The English Empire is vast and all-powerful. It consists of the Square Mile in London, selected smart London districts such as Park Lane and Mayfair. It incorporates the many pockets of English Acreage held by the Landed Gentry, whose ancestors stole it from the native Britons in 1066. Just over the Border, the Empire includes the Vassal States of Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Logic dictates that the remainder of Ireland is de facto part of the Empire. Beyond these fine green swathes lie the Sceptic Isles of Gibraltar, Malta, Atlantis, and the Falklands, all of which had the good sense to split from mainland Europe long ago.

It makes perfect sense that the EU should bow down and pay homage in the face of such might.

“The continued intransigence of the EU is costing them dear,” said Rees-Mogg in his familiar 19th century accent. “Their refusal to accept the superiority of England, our England, prevents them from basking in English Sovereignty. They cannot share our fish, our sparkling clean waters, our cheap food, or our low-price energy. Do they not know that Britannia rules the waves? Do they not speak in strange dialects, derived from the Mother Tongue, which they use to denigrate their superiors?”

Ultimately, there is only one solution: the Final Solution.

“We must make them bow down,” said Rees-Mogg. “There can be no dissent. We will fight them on the beaches, lay down our towels, and make sure every European town sells weak fizzy lager and fish & chips. There is no alternative!”

CLUCKING MAD : It’s not hard to trace the downfall of a once great empire, and no, we are not talking about our mad prodigal son The (so called) United States of America.

Sadly we are talking about a peoples whose mighty ancestors turned the map a joyous pink for centuries, and taught savage foreigners everything worth knowing. From the value of the well educated clerk in good governance, and the railway. Today foreginers still continue with these vital facets of rule but fail to give credit where it’s due. Just look at the European attitude to Barry and Barb from Southgate attempting to bring a little cheer to the dreariness of the Costa del Sol!

To pinpoint where it all started going wrong for Mighty Britannia one simply has to look at the first battle won by the Woke mob. If you think they started screeching their naive concept of “Just stop treating people you don’t know like pricks” in the last decade is to ignore how long the damp rot has been rising in our foundations.

The chicken. That great British bird the Romans once invaded our noble shores to secure, this was the first place the enemies of the people on the inside struck.

It’s a simple and logical assessment. When hens were kept in tiny cages and given total licence to do what they do naturally, produce pale yokes and thin shells by the masses, Britain was a powerhouse. But once our nation’s once sensible poulterers were tricked into letting them run wild in the pasture doing sod all but wait for handouts the downfall was certain. Soon childbirth rates were plummeting and coal, that great fuel that powered our homes, was scorned in favour of foreign renewables.

Suez. Leyland. The virtual extinction of the bowler hat. And so much else besides followed.

Only when we get those little feathered servants back in the chicken wire cages and build the modern factories Britain needs to be once again be a world leading exporter of whatever, only then will we be able to hold our heads high and cry “Who rules the waves?”.

A purely rhetorical question.