Category: Fact or Fiction

SOLID GOLD RUST : A man who purchased one of Elon Musk’s Cybertrucks, while high on hallucinogenic drugs, has spoken today of his relief at its reception in his neighbourhood.

”I was worried,” D Ouche told LCD Views, “not at first. When I was high as a kite, after confiscating some mushrooms off my teenage twins, I wasn’t worried. I thought it was all just my imagination. I could never believe I’d really go onto Tesla’s website and order one of those sci-fi fever dreams. But. I mean what the hell. They’re not even raccoon proof.”

Hallucinogenics and automobile purchase decisions are not normally good bedfellows.

”You can imagine my horror when I was doomscrolling and saw Elon Musk doing that weird cringing double fist pump thing next to Trump at Thanksgiving, and right at that moment I saw the so called truck arrive.”

D Ouche said he didn’t believe his eyes, at first.

”It couldn’t be. I had just imagined it. But. Surely I could return it? But apparently if you try and do that Musk will dox you to the 200m bots who follow him on his cryptoporn site.”

It seems the prospect of crypto and porn bots besieging his home was too much.

”Clearly I was still a bit high. And now I’m stuck with it.”

However a slim hope arrived shortly after.

”I was thinking we were going to be ostracised. You know, how Space Karen will be January next year when Trump and him argue over who is whose useful idiot?”

The danger passed once D Ouche saw another article comparing his strange vehicle to a series of dumpsters.

”Seeing those images of how closely a Cybertruck resembles a dumpster was my salvation,” D Ouche reveals. “I just opened all the doors and let nature take its course.”

WhatsApp helped too.

”Whenever anyone asks on our street WhatsApp if anyone has any space in their bin before bin collection I simply say yes, and put up a picture of the Cybertruck. It’s actual made us really popular locally.”

Does he have plans to actually drive the Cybertruck?

”Only if I confiscate the motherlode of narcotics. I’d have to be out of my mind to be seen behind the wheel. And I’d disturb the nesting raccoons.”

“A satire on the plight of the UK post the Brexit referendum, The Great British Potato War takes aim at the so-called benefits of Brexit and its cynical architects. It is an absurdist novel, full of broad wit and humour and while it exaggerates (wildly) the consequences of the referendum, the ridiculous false patriotism, the idea that faith will deliver, the three word sound bites, the refusal to admit that there is anything wrong are all recognisable as being rooted in actuality.” – Amazon customer.

“A cult classic!” – The Future.

THEY DARE NOT SPEAK HER NAME : NEWS FROM THE UNDERWORLD TODAY after the ghost of Margaret Thatcher reached out from beyond the grave to seek assistance. The surprising call for help is reported to have occurred during a local Conservative Party seance.

“We were having our usual Sunday church service,” Mr T. Gammon, head of the Scrupoor Conservative Association told LCD Views. “You know, we sacrifice some puppies stolen from a slum. We don’t even want to sacrifice puppies but the bleeding hearts stop us taking children. It’s not like the good old days when Britain was respected. Before the last Labour government ruined our reputation. Anyway. It was business as usual early Sunday morning. We smeared ourselves in the puppy blood, asked the Dark Lord to lower our taxes to the point where state schools are so underfunded by default they adopt the user pays class structure, and low and beyond the ouija board nearly lost its mind.”

Mr. Gammon reveals that the pointer on the board flew about the letters just repeatedly spelling “HELP ME!”.

“Of course our first instinct was to say no. If you can’t help yourself it’s no point being a layabout, work shy, woke drain on society. Honest, hardworking Britons tax money is needed for PPE fraud. Anyways, Mrs. Gammon let her curiosity get the better of her and asked who needed help? Just in case it was a US private health conglomerate looking for another chunk of the NHS. That’s when we discovered it was our Margaret, hallowed be her name, even though she burns in Hell.”

The help required was stated as an exorcism.

“Apparently she can’t get a moment’s rest. That in itself is not surprising as she’s constantly spinning in her grave, but it’s become increasingly difficult to do even that because she’s been possessed by Liz Truss.”

The Scrupoor Conservative Association is planning a cake sale to raise the funds required to hire an exorcist. Union Flag bunting for the service will be provided by local residents.

“It’s a bit of a stretch but we have to try. Liz is cosplaying Thatcher so hard now there’s a risk poor Margaret will have to go from the seventh to the eighth ring of Hell just to get some peace and quiet. But even then I doubt she’d be safe from Truss’s Instagram account. We’d ask Heaven to help us, but they don’t take our calls.”

WIN WIN WIN: Forget Brexit Dividends, now we have Covid Bonuses! To every downside, there is an equal and opposite upside. Except Brexit, of course, which only has upsides by definition, as we all know.

Workers up and down the land are dropping like flies. Although Boris Johnson and his sociopathic cronies Got Covid Done, the virus itself is immune to government propaganda and is making merry. 

The upshot of this is that the frail, elderly and unlucky are being removed from the population. Many more are being incapacitated. This means more work for the fit and healthy patriotic British people to do.

Many people are having to cover for covid-affected colleagues. This, claims Johnson, is a great op[portunity to claim lots of overtime.

Johnson made the claim at an event styled “The Man, The Myth, The Magic”. This has nothing to do with Vladimir Putin, or even Marcus Rashford. It is simply a vehicle to promote Boris Johnson in lieu of his having to do any actual work. In policy terms, it bears about as much resemblance to genuine progress as creative accounting does to financial accuracy.

Johnson took the stage amid a flurry of dry ice, to rousing music. He ruffled his already untidy hair, gave his trademark faux-bashful grin, and took the podium with the same lack of grace as Donald Trump.

“Friends, Russian countrymen, lend me your money!” he stuttered, to a standing ovation. “Yes, yes, yes, no, yes, we will show the EU how to buy influence and give backhanders to your mates! We will fight them on the beaches, we will overcome, we will we will rock you! More sick people means more overtime for those who are British enough to stay fit and well! Yes! Wiff waff!”

And it’s almost certain that Johnson will claim that this was the intended outcome all along.

IT’S ALL OVER BAR THE SHOUTING: The official investigation into alleged breaches of the ministerial code by Boris Johnson has been concluded. The man in charge of the investigation, Boris Johnson, has cleared Boris Johnson on all counts. 

This is welcome news. It means that our democracy is safe, thanks to the unceasing vigilance of Boris Johnson. There has never in all of history been a man such as he, who was as diligent at covering his own arse. 

The political Pinocchio has excused his own clearly non-existent crimes. He has wound his neck in, and done his very best to level up his world beating telescopic proboscis. He has taken back control of governmental justice. 

There will be those who would suggest, unpatriotically, that once again a member of the government has been permitted to mark their own homework. This is deeply unfair on Mr Johnson. After all, the one person who has a complete overview of everything Boris Johnson does, is Boris Johnson. We as a nation trust in the strength in the fundamental decency and integrity that Mr Johnson has demonstrated time and time again. 

“Prime Ministers are immune from criticism, and simply incapable of wrongdoing,” claimed the famous Downing Street anonymous source. “What this investigation proves is merely a confirmation of this basic tenet of public life. The ties that bind us all bind Mr Johnson most tightly of all. Put simply, he cannot tell a lie. His word is his bond, his face is his fortune, and his pants only caught fire by accident.”

Regardless of the permanent presence of the Fire Brigade at Number Ten, there is no reason to doubt the Source. Not even the unusual and permanent lengthening of Johnson’s nose is sufficient evidence to cast aspersions upon his character. 

He is more than capable of doing that himself. 

MILKING THE SITUATION: Anonymous Tory MP Sir Charles “Milkman” Walker has been arrested for protesting. He is expected to serve the maximum ten years in prison. 

Walker decided to carry a pint of milk at all times, in protest. The price of milk, he said, was too high, or possibly too low, he would decide later. But the important thing was the milk. It symbolised… well, something. He would decide later. 

Walker was defiant and unashamed after sentencing. “It is my right to carry a pint of milk on my person at all times!” said Walker. “I don’t even know if I like milk, I will decide later. Anyway it’s not about the milk, it’s about something else, I will decide what later. But I’m jolly cross about something!” 

The new law encapsulates this government’s unwritten law of inverse consequences. In other words, the lesser the offence, the more severe the punishment. 

The new rules are actually part of Priti Patel’s Punching Down Policy, clarified the ubiquitous anonymous source.”It’s the trickle up theory,” explained the source. “If you punish minor infringements harshly, it will discourage potential criminals and we all sleep more easily.” 

Especially the major criminals who are creaming off public money without any pushback. 

“We must set an example,” continued the source, ignoring the point. “In Sir Charles’s case, somebody complained about the smell of sour milk. The full force of the Act was mobilised. We are all in this together!” 

Won’t Sir Charles find a convenient loophole? Like the ban on foreign travel unless you happen to be a stinking rich Tory MP with second homes on the continent? 

Again the source ignored the question. “Transparency is the driving force,” said the source. “And I can see right through you, so this conversation is at an end.” 

Clear as milk. But the big question remains. Full fat, or semi-skimmed? 

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/covid-restrictions-milk-protest_uk_605cbdeec5b6531eed02d49c