Category: Entertainment special

There’s no business like show business and show business has its eye on the day to day business of a famous English, North London MP.

“The life of the fantabulous, absolute boy is to be filmed,” our entertainment correspondent reports, breathlessly, “with the working title ‘Rebel Without A Clue’ by Spleen Films.”

The filming is planned as a fly on the wall documentary and will be done by the aforementioned punk filming outfit. There will be no script, because the script never changes anyway, but it’s believed the dialogue will not be improv, as it is planned to appeal to Leavers in one sentence and Remainers the next.

“Basically we’ve given some smart phones to a bunch of Corbyn youth kids and told them to take a week off screaming the C word on the doorsteps of householders in Tory constituencies and got them to agree to follow their messiah about for free,” a spokesman for the production company, Spleen Films, told us,

“we would have liked to pay them peanuts, but all the money goes on those endless social media set pieces the old boy is endlessly making. It may actually turn out a bit post modern. Film crew films film crew. Quite avant grade I’d say.”

But it won’t all be life as lived day by day. There will be actual interviews.

“Yes. The subject will have a chance to explain how the Cuban revolution inspires him to this day,” our correspondent adds, “oh and he’ll also explain how he squares being a socialist, and not a communist, with supporting the hard right Tory political project of Brexit that will hurt the weakest hardest in any form, and was brought about by criminal activity in an opinion poll held years ago now.”

Bring your popcorn and book a seat.

“I wouldn’t bother booking a seat for the premiere.”

Why not?

“Because you’ll be in a re-education camp by then comrade.”

And now for something completely different. Thirty years after the death of Monty Python star Graham Chapman, his surviving comedy partners have announced a rumour of plans for a new feature film, directed by Terry Jones and scheduled for release in October.

Monty Python’s ‘Life Of Boris’ has a script almost certainly written by all five surviving members of the classic 70s comedy team in close collaboration. It tells the story of a boy born in New York to wealthy parents who grows up to become a politician and screws up an entire country.

“We’re probably working very closely together on this one,” Jones said in a joint press conference.

“This is a story that needs telling. We couldn’t decide whether to make it Boris or Nigel, and we actually wrote both versions simultaneously before deciding on Boris, because it is just that shade lighter in tone. And while even this has some dark moments, you need the contrast of both to show it off.”

The script stars Boris, a Norman Bates-like figure who goes around with a dead parrot in a cage, which he calls Brexit, and insists is alive, even going so far as to put his ear to it repeatedly to “listen” to it, and then saying out loud what he thinks it is saying.

Eric Idle is almost collaborating with singer Sting on adapting the latter’s hit “Englishman In New York” for the title character’s theme.

“I hadn’t planned it this way,” Idle explained, “but this song came on the radio one day and I thought, it’s the perfect starting point. I asked Sting if I could do this and he even offered to help.”

Fans need not worry though, the classic Python number “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” will probably be putting in an appearance at the end of the film, to be sung by the character Jeremiah Corbius, leader of the suicide cult Momentum.

Other characters include David Cameron as Pontius Pilate and Theresa May as Judith Iscariot.

John Cleese, who was Graham Chapman’s writing partner in the original series, added:

“We’ve always wanted to do one last hurrah in Graham’s memory but somehow it never quite seemed right, and we were getting rather worried that our metabolic processes would only be a matter of interest to historians before the right thing came along, but when Boris happened we all got this vibe, we knew this was the one.”

Monty Python’s Life Of Boris could be in cinemas on the 4th of October.

Great news for lovers of classic songs today with the announcement that a group of the sharpest tacks in an otherwise blunt Tory box have formed a musical troupe in order to cover Pink Floyd’s classic song ‘Comfortably Numb’.

The group, calling themselves ‘The Spoons’ may not be easily trusted with a knife and fork, but LCD Views’ musical correspondent is certain they can do justice to one of the stand out classics of British music.

“Especially as they’re going to re-title the song ‘Comfortably Dumb’,” our very own music man says, “but that’s not due to some burst of self-awareness, it’s because that’s what they think the song is called.”

The tune, once committed to vinyl, will be released free in boxes at food banks in the areas represented by the MPs.

“It’s thought that seeing their mugs on the jacket of the single will give people using the food banks a lift. Many of them may right then be seeking a new cover for a dart board, as well as a square meal.”

But the artistic foray isn’t without criticism, as some leading dims in the ranks of the government aren’t in the group.

“Chris Grayling was supposed to be there, but he was busy trying to pull open a door that has push written on it. It’s believed that will keep him tied up for weeks. And Jacob Rees-mogg agreed to take part, so long as he could sing his lines in pig latin, but then he had to pull out because his nanny is taking him to be weighed at the doctors that day.”

Nonetheless, we’re sure the group can make a success of the single and we fully expect not one penny of the post production sale profits to go to charity.

“The opening lines of the song are particularly pertinent to the group of MPs,

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home?

That’s exactly what anyone meeting Raab, Dorries, Bridgen, Davis and so on routinely ask when hearing them say anything at all and looking in their eyes.”

The production megalith Netflix is said to be in a “total panic” and “lockdown” today after a hacker, presumed to be from Leicester (pronounced ‘Ly-chester’), broke through their cyber security and made off with a copy of the sequel to their smash hit Bird Box.

“The film has been under guard both physical and digital since filming wrapped last week. No one was even supposed to know it exists,” our entertainment correspondent reports, “but somehow the hacker found out and got in and got it.”

The film, currently titled ‘Bird Box 2’ is not due for release until the summer. The delay in following up number one is over a debate at headquarters over what to call it.

”Bird Bath is the likely choice. Or Bird Cage. Avian Flu – the revenge, this time it’s personal. Or perhaps Feathered Alcatraz.”

So what will the streaming garaganton do about the theft?

”I expect we will see Bird Box 2 available for streaming a lot sooner than the summer,” our correspondent says, “as the digital Ahab tries to get back on the front foot. Before you know it you’ll be settling down to watch Sandra Bullock’s character make an unfeasible blindfolded trip through a wood she has never been to before, and you’ll want her to make it.”

Great! Bird Box one was a little ribbon and bows at the end, but otherwise a fun and thrilling film.

Is there anything else you can tell us about number two?

”Yes. They’ve taken the horror to an all new level.”

How’s that?

”This time the plot will feature characters driven mad by just looking at Nigel Farage.”

Famous British musician Plan B, aka Ben Drew, is rumoured to be in hiding today after learning of a Michael Gove plot to kidnap him.

”He’s rumoured to be in protective custody in a Met safe house,” our entertainment correspondent, She Said, speculated wildly, “while it is far from clear how advanced Gove’s kidnap plot is, given everything policy with this government is decided on a just in time basis, it’s felt the musician is best advised to play for safety.”

It’s not the first time an artist has gone into hiding at the mere risk of being physically close to Mr Gove.

”Famous medieval Italian writer Dante is said to have physically entered hell to escape from the clutches of the immortal spectre currently pretending to be Secretary of State for the Environment,” She Said adds unreliably, “although as that stint down below hiding from Gove resulted in the inspiration for his famous immortal work, Dante’s Inferno, hopes are of a similar impact on Mr Drew.”

Should the government succeed in getting its Brexit deal approved by parliament next week, say by perhaps making every sitting MP an Earl or a Duchess, than Plan B will be able to leave hiding, presumably.

”That’s not entirely certain at this point,” She Said clarifies as a point of order, “the use of the indefinite article ‘a’ leaves Ben at risk of being kidnapped not only by serving members of Theresa May’s cabinet, but also Jeremy Corbyn, who will likely wish to include ‘a’ Plan B in his own Brexit policy of negotiating ‘a’ fantasy new customs union with the EU.”

As to what Mr Drew should do in his safe house over the next week?

”He’s should be wary of staying too log,” She Said says, “something he has previously professed to making a habit of doing.”

We’ve all seen illiterate racists misspelling “Sharia Law” as “Shania Law” but now it could soon become an actual thing, as singer Shania Twain has announced her engagement to actor Jude Law.

The couple broke the news last night, which came as a surprise to everybody as nobody knew they were even dating – not even Twain’s husband. Ms Twain however was quick to reassure everyone that she has no plans of being unfaithful.

“We are not breaking up our marriage,” Ms Twain said categorically. “Frederic’s ex-wife cheated with my ex-husband, that’s why they’re both exes, and we came together through that shared bond. I have no plans to abandon Frederic. We’re getting a temporary divorce just to make it legal, and I’m going to remarry him as soon as this is over, but it’s important that I marry Jude even if only temporarily, and Frederic is 100% behind me on this.”

Her husband has confirmed this, calling it “a marriage of inconvenience”.

When asked why she was marrying Mr Law if it was only going to be divorcing him at a later date anyway and remarrying her current husband, she explained:
“There are so many idiots out there who use my name by mistake in their Islamophobic rants. So it’s time to press their buttons and see how they copewith the reality of Shania Law.”

Mr Law had the following to say on the matter:

“Racists always say Shania Law or Shakira Law so I thought let’s make one or other a reality. I decided on Shania because it’s closer to the word they mean, and used by the genuine idiots, while Shakira is used more by people who are taking the piss out of racists. I have no long-term family plans involving either of these women. But anyway I approached Shania and said shall we give it a go and she said OK, so we’re doing it.”

To ensure maximum outrage among racists, the wedding is set for next Eid. We predict that won’t impress them much. Rumours that Shakira has been asked to sing “Don’t Bother” at the ceremony are as yet unconfirmed.

We wish the happy couple success in their venture, which they have both confirmed is not a lifetime together, but showing up racists for the idiots that they are.

Lead Brexiter Theresa May and Brexiter-in-waiting Jeremy Corbyn have agreed to a televised love-in. Fans of the mysteriously popular Love Island are looking forward to the encounter.

It seems that Corbyn has always been willing, but May has previously turned down the opportunity. Now, with Brexit vanishing faster than UKIP’s credibility, May has succumbed in a valiant but ultimately futile attempt at relevance.

“It’s TV gold!” gushed Love Island producer Phil Mafufu. “One is a Leaver pretending to be a Remainer, and the other is a Remainer pretending to be a Leaver. Opposites attract, and I’m banking on fireworks! We’re doing a one-off rebrand as Leave Island to make it really stick in people’s craws too!”

It’s almost guaranteed. Judging by Prime Minister’s Questions, Corbyn gets hot and passionate once a week, and both leave the chamber fully satisfied.

There are some parameters to restrict their activity, as Mafufu explains. “Anything to do with the general public is off the table,” he said. “Both have indicated their unwillingness to be voted off the show. Corbyn wants a chance to be on top for a change. But May, whose U-turns were once legendary, now refuses to contemplate a change in her position.”

Normally an audience participation and elimination show has a limited shelf life, but this gambit changes everything.

“This show could run forever!” claims Mafufu. “Our viewers love the cut and thrust, the ins and outs, the constant striving for a climactic ending which never quite seems to happen. Well, they are both getting on a bit now.”

The only problem is the ratings. Who wants to watch a haggard old woman and a wrinkled old man going through the same old, tired, motions, week in, week out? Leave/Love Island is, as usual, promoting a series of big bangs and delivering a damp squib.

In her anxiety to get over the finishing line by any means possible, May has had to resort to extreme measures. Corbyn isn’t helping by keeping his mouth closed instead of putting her out of her misery.

Hopefully it will all end in an explosive anti-climax.

There have been many revisions over the years for reasons of political correctness, making Doctor Who a woman and James Bond’s sidekick Felix Leiter black are just two recent examples. But the latest concerns the world of music.

The Beatles’ celebrated White Album, being reissued for its fiftieth anniversary, has just been reissued as the Multicultural Album, to reflect the more enlightened times.

The move has approval from both surviving Beatles Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr, as well as John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono and both his sons Julian (by his first wife Cynthia) and Sean, and George Harrison’s widow Olivia and son Dhani.

At a joint press conference, Paul, Ringo, Yoko and Giles Martin, son of the the album’s original producer George Martin, made the announcement.

“We’ve done a lot of thinking about this,” Paul McCartney said, “and we decided this was important. This album has been the White Album for half a century, but the human race isn’t all white. Even back in the 60s in Liverpool we had a lot of different people of different skin colours, and they all matter. And Beatles music has always been from a very diverse range of styles. So we’re reflecting that with this relaunch of one of our best albums.”

Yoko Ono added, “this album’s reissue is dedicated to all the peoples of the world, black, white, yellow, red, everyone. If you are a person, then this album is dedicated to you, regardless of skin colour. John wrote a lot of songs about the desire for peace, and I know he would approve of this decision.”

The album, which features hits such as Revolution and Back In The USSR, comes complete with a redesigned cover representing all the major ethnic groups.

Many people have welcomed the move with open arms. Jeremy Corbyn has been particularly congratulatory about it:

“The Beatles were ahead of their time in singing songs about wanting love and peace, and this move proves it yet again.”

Not everyone has welcomed the move however. Nigel Farage in particular was very vocal in his disapproval:

“It’s the White Album,” he said emphatically. “It always has been the White Album and it always will be the White Album, not any of this politically correct nonsense. I for one refuse to buy any album with the world Multicultural in the name.”

The Beatles’ Multicultural Album is in the shops now.

Both Theresa May and Tommy Robinson have attracted a lot of criticism since stepping into the political limelight, but the latest name to speak out against them is from a most unexpected source and for a very unique reason.

Great Uncle Bulgaria has spoken out publicly against both of them for using his likeness in their mode of dress. His lawyer gave a press conference on his behalf, and issued the following statement:

“I can confirm that, acting on behalf of a Mr G. U. Bulgaria of Wimbledon Common, I have issued Cease And Desist notices to both Theresa May and Tommy Robinson individually regarding their mimicking his likeness with their choice of apparel.”

Mr Robinson was quick to respond:

“No way Jose! I’m British and I’ll wear what I like. That foreign **** can jolly well change his clothes, and if he doesn’t like it he should go home to Bulgaria!”

It was then explained to Mr Robinson that Bulgaria is his name, not his home country, and that Mr Bulgaria is a British citizen. Robinson quickly retorted:

“Well that’s just stupid!”

It was then pointed out that Dawn French isn’t French, and Irving Berlin didn’t come from Berlin at which point Mr Robinson went into a meltdown – his further comments are unprintable.

Mrs May has so far declined to comment on the matter.

Mr Bulgaria has been a British citizen since 1968 and has gained legendary status in the world of recycling. His ability to make constructive use of everyday objects other people have discarded is described as second to none by those who have met him.

We await further developments with baited breath.